Price & Waterhouse
Voice on Intercom…..Mary Gross
Waterhouse…..Jim Belushi
Price…..Tim Kazurinsky
Man…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ open on interior, Price & Waterhouse’s private office; Waterhouse sits behind the desk, Price leans in from the front ]
[ intercom buzzes ]
Waterhouse: [ presses button ] Yes?
Intercom: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? They’re here.
Waterhouse: Thank you.
[ Waterhouse walks over to the vaulted door, works an upper combination lock, a lower combination lock, spins the handle and opens the vault door ]
[ a dark-suited, shaded, man handcuffed to a steel briefcase enters, followed by a security guard ]
Man: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse?
Waterhouse: Yes?
Man: The final Academy Award tallies, gentlemen.
[ Waterhouse proceeds to release the handcuffs from the briefcase, as Price holds a Bible to the man’s right hand ]
Price: Do you solemnly swear that you have not seen the contents of this briefcase?
Man: I have not, sir.
Price: That’ll be all.
Man: Thank you.
[ man and security guard exit the office, as Waterhouse quickly locks it shut ]
Price: You got your half of the combination?
Waterhouse: Yes, I do.
Price: Okay, here’s mine.
[ they take out their respective halves of the combination – Waterhouse collects both and reads them off ]
Waterhouse: Okay. 6 left.. 9 right.. 4 left.
[ Price removes a pile of sheets, as Waterhouse collects a stack of envelopes ]
Price: Okay. I’ll read the winners, and you pick up the winning envelope, okay?
Waterhouse: Okay. Alright, what do we have for Best Movie?
Price: Best Movie? [ looks on the sheets ] “The Dresser.”
Waterhouse: [ with a look of distaste ] I hated that movie. I mean, really – I really hated that movie.
Price: So did I.
Waterhouse: You did?
Price: Yeah. All that, “Can I help with Sir’s bedpan?”
Waterhouse: Ugh, that was horrible! Well, I guess, Mr. Price, it’s up to us again this year to pick the final tally. [ looks through the sheets ] Alright, let’s see.. “The Right Stuff”? [ Price shakes his head ] Too long. “The Big Chill”? Nice soundtrack..
Price: But, uh, far too pretentious.
Waterhouse: Yes. “Tender Mercies”? That was good.
Price: Yes.
Waterhouse: I liked that one. That was a very, very nice film.. [ shuffles envelopes ] Whoop! “Terms of Endearment”!
Price: “Terms of Endearment.”
Waterhouse: That’s the winner, made me cry!
Price: Made me cry, too.
Waterhouse: Yep, love that Brooks. He did a very good job.
Price: Okay.
Waterhouse: Alright. What’s next, Mr. Price?
Price: Let’s see, uh.. how about Best Supporting Actor?
Waterhouse: Best Supporting Actor – who do they have?
Price: Sam Shephard.
Waterhouse: [ crinkles his nose ] He sucked.
Price: Are you crazy? Sam Shephard was the only cool thing in that movie. The guy is good!
Waterhouse: That’s right, that’s right. He’s good.. he’s good-looking, he’s a good actor, he’s a great playwright, and he’s sleeping with Jessica Lange.
Price: [ now miffed as well, rips Shephard’s envelope ] Show-off! Screw it, let’s go with uh, Nicholson!
Waterhouse: Nicholson, let’s go with Nicholson, definitely. He’s balding, he’s got a pot-belly – he’s a real man! That’s a real man!
Price: Yeah.
Waterhouse: Alright, what do we have next? Who do you like for Best Supporting Actress?
Price: Uh.. I don’t like none of them.
Waterhouse: Me, either. Pick one.
Price: [ throws stack in the air, and grabs one at random ] And the winner is.. Cher. So, Cher gets the Oscar.
Waterhouse: Wow.
Price: It’ll be the shortest guy she’s gone out with since Sonny!
Waterhouse: [ chuckles ] Alright, who gets the big one here – Best Actress?
Price: [ reads ] Meryl Streep.
Waterhouse: No!
Price: No?
Waterhouse: No, I’m not going to let this happen again. She won last year, and she didn’t even do a foreign accent this year. Forget it!
Price: Besides, she’s got no boobs.
Waterhouse: Yeah.
Price: Let’s see who’s got the biggest set of headlights!
Waterhouse: Alright, let’s see. [ reads ] Meryl Streep..
Together: No.
Waterhouse: Shirley MacLaine? Yeah.. but she’s old, but..
Price: It’s still a good performance..
Waterhouse: Julie Walters..
Price: No.
Waterhouse: No. Jane Alexander?
Price: No.
Together: Debra Winger!!
Waterhouse: Hey!
[ they each kiss Debra Winger’s envelope ]
Price: Alright, what’s next?
Waterhouse: What’s next, is Best Actor.
Price: [ holds up the Academy tallies ] Hey, this thing’s useless.
Waterhouse: We don’t need it. [ tosses the Academy tallies ]
Price: Okay.
Waterhouse: Alright, who do we got? We got Michael Caine..
Price: Michael Caine..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Tom Conti..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Tom Courtney..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Albert Finney..
Waterhouse: Alright.
Price: Robert Duvall.
Waterhouse: Wait. That’s four Englishmen and one American.
Price: Those limeys think we’re going to give them an Oscar every year?
Waterhouse: Uh-uh. Uh-uh, that’s it – Duvall gets it.
Price: Alright. But, wait, wait, hold it – Duvall didn’t say nothing in that movie!
Waterhouse: Yes. I know, Mr. Price. But it’s how he said nothing that counts.
Price: Well.. I mean, if that’s the case, who says nothing better than anybody else?
Together: [ as it comes to them ] Clint Eastwood!
Waterhouse: Yeah.
Price: Absolutely.
Waterhouse: Let’s give it to him. Wait! He’s not even nominated.
Together: [ as it comes to them ] Write-in!
[ the intercom buzzes ]
Waterhouse: Yes?
Intercom: Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse.. they’re here.
Waterhouse: Right with you. [ opens the door to let in a woman carrying a briefcase ]
Woman: Mr. Price, Mr. Wasterhouse – the final tallies for the New York Primary are now officially in your hands. [ hands them the briefcase, and exits ]
Price: I like Mondale.
Waterhouse: I like Hart.
Price: Well.. I like Mondale.
Waterhouse: Hart!
Price: Let’s flip for it.
Waterhouse: Alright, heads for Hart.
[ Waterhouse flips the coin, as Price catches it and looks at it without affording Waterhouse a glance ]
Price: Mondale!
Waterhouse: Hey! You cheat! Give it to me!
Price: I did not cheat!
[ they scuffle after the coin, as they tumble off the set and into the audience ]
[ zoom out, fade ]
Air Date:
