Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 20th, 1982 Robert Urich Mink De Ville Buhweet and De Dupreems None He’s No Burt Reynolds
Montage
Buhweet And De DupreemsSummary: Burt Reynolds (Robert Urich) introduces Buhweet (Eddie Murphy) and Da Dupreems, who perform a medley of unintelligible Motown hits for the audience. Recurring Characters: Buckwheat.
Reach Out And Touch SomeoneNote: Repeat from: 02/06/82.
Paul Harvey Radio NewsRecurring Characters: Paul Harvey.
Focus on FilmRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Buy a Bullet for a Hungry Kid
Reagan & Dr. StrangeloveRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese
Mink De Ville performs “Maybe Tomorrow”
Fur: You Deserve It!
Golden Age School of ObedienceSummary: Obedience trainer (Eddie Murphy) keeps elderly family members (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) in line like dogs. Transcript
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Koala Embryo
Headline Challenge
Low Class Italian Theater
Mink De Ville performs “Love & Emotion”
The Thing That Destroyed Tokyo
John Belushi TributeSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray pays tribute to the recent death of John Belushi. Transcript
[ Pleasant music plays. A picture of a white house is shown. ]
Eddie Murphy V/O: We all know that years of wind and weather can turn a beautiful home like yours into an ugly eyesore.
[ Fade to a picture of the same house, all cracked and dry. ]
Eddie Murphy V/O: But what if you could protect your home? What if you could keep it beautiful forever, with a giant see-through plastic bubble?
[ Fade to a picture of the same house, pristine, with a big plastic bubble over it. Eddie then appears in a square in the top right corner. ]
Eddie Murphy: Well, you can’t! They don’t make no damn plastic bubble, you stupid idiot! And even if they did, how you gon’ find one big enough to fit over your house, right? What you gon’ do, how you gon’ get it home? Tie it on top of your damn station wagon? All right?
[ Eddie now takes up the whole screen ]
Eddie Murphy: But let’s say you could get one, right, if you sittin’ around in this big stupid plastic bubble over your house, right? Now you got it made, right? You didn’t stop to think, right, what happens when you get hungry, right? How you gon’ bring food inside there? They can’t deliver sandwiches with a big plastic bubble over your house, right? What they gon’ do then, right? The best part about that, I was thinkin’, right, what happens when you run out of air, right? You inside a space for about five days, you run out of air. Don’t you feel stupid now, sittin’ in that bubble, dead, huh? You feel real dumb, right? Let me tell you somethin’, man. If you feel that you’ve got to have this plastic bubble, and you got to spend your money on it, here’s Mel, he’ll tell you how to do it. Plastic bubble, y’all some stupid people out there …
[ Fade to a picture of the house with the plastic bubble over it. An address appears over this still. ]
Mel Brandt V/O: Thanks, Eddie! Send check or money order to Big Damn Plastic Bubble, Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. Do it today!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 27th, 1982 Elizabeth Ashley Hall & Oates Harry Anderson Joseph Papp CBS Evening NewsRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Montage
Elizabeth Ashley’s Monologue
Big Damn Plastic BubbleSummary: Eddie Murphy touts the revolutionary device that consumers would have to be stupid to buy, due to its impractical nature. Transcript
Speaking As A WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Shelley Winters.
The Pope’s African TourRecurring Characters: Pope John Paul II.
Hall & Oates performs “You Make My Dreams”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
Joseph Papp Auditions
Hall & Oates performs “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)”
Harry Anderson
Women’s Party Conversation
Loewenbrau
Hall & Oates performs “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”
Announcer: Tonight: President Ronald Reagan celebrates his 71stbirthday. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, the Honorory EntertainmentDirector of the White House – Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra!
Frank Sinatra: [ walks onstage to a smattering of applause ] “My kind of Chief.. Executive We’re talkin’ Chief.. Executive. Shoots down Kadaffi, Ron Reagan does Takes naps when he wants to, Ron Reagan does. That Chief Executive Why, he’s my kind of guy! Ron Reagan! Ron Reagan! My kind of gu-u-u-u-uyy!! Ron Reagan!
It’s an honor to be here tonight. Before we talk about the main man,I’d like to do something for our First Chick!
“When she gets hungry, the Third World can wait She buys her china, at one-grand a plate Threads by Adolfo, oh that chick, she looks great. The First Lady.. champ!”
Speaking of champs, how about that Secretary-of-State of ours, huh?
“He’s bad, bad, bad Al Haig tougher than the Red Brigade. Badder than old King Kong meaner than a neutron bomb!”
Here’s a little something that you very well might have heard throughthe years..
“When I was 17.. Ron, you were 63!”
[ laughs ] Seriously, Mr. President. Not only are you the leader of thisgreat country of ours, you are a devoted father to your son, the dancer.
“Fairy tales can true Ron, it happened to you. Da da da da-a-a-a..”
Ron, I’m sure you feel the same way about Ron, Jr. that I do aboutFrank, Jr. But let’s give our young people something to look forward to -a free Poland. Solidarity. Hey, how many Polish people does it take toscrew in a light bulb, huh? Well, I’m sure one could do it.. but, first,we gotta hand them the light bulb of freedom. It’s up to 200 milionAmericans to help them screw it in. And we should all stand behind thatmarvelous human being, Lech Walesa. Lechy, you are one groovy cat! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, back to the festivities at hand!
“Happy birthday to you! Birthday, you! Happy, happy, Ronnie.. Happy birthday.. happy birthday.. A birthday, you!“
Announcer: And now, another episode in the continuing daytime drama: “I Married A Monkey”.
[ open on half-dressed Suitor in bed with Madge the Monkey wearing nightgown ]
Suitor: Boy, you are something else! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before.. You know, I know we haven’t known each other for too long now.. but.. you sure are pretty, and I.. [ Husband, dressed in Disneyworld attire, enters the room ] What do you mean, barging in here like that?!!
Husband: [ angry ] I’m her husband!
Suitor: Oh..! [ dramatic pause ] Now, see here, pal.. we’re not gonna have any kind of a scene, are we?
Husband: Oh, stop your sniveling. i’m not a violent man.
Suitor: Oh. Good.
Husband: [ solemn ] It’s funny, you know.. we came down here to Disneyworld to try and save our marriage.. but my wife was too sick to go on the rides today!
Suitor: She told me her husband was in Europe!
Husband: [ sits on bed next to Madge ] I’m sorry to have to disturb your little pete-a-tete, Madge. You want to share the bed with your husband for a change? Here, Madge. [ hands over teddy bear ] I want this playing Toss The Hoops. [ to Suitor ] That’s Madge’s favorite game.
Suitor: Madge? Why, she told me her name was..
Together: Loretta!
[ dramatic sting ]
Husband: Did she also tell you she was married to a Korean Root Canal Specialist, and that he was.. [ Madge touches Suitor ] Madge, don’t touch him in my presence.. Madge, if you love me.. Did she tell you she worked for the Peace Corps?
Suitor: Yes, she did.
Husband: Sure. She’s a real humanitarian, this one.
Suitor: Well.. I’m sorry..
Husband: Sorry?
Suitor: Yes! Well, put yourself in my position.. she’s something else.
Husband: I don’t blame you. I know where the blame lies. [ to Madge ] You can’t control yourself, can you?
Suitor: [ standing ] Well, I guess I’d better get back to the gas station..
Husband: Yeah..
Suitor: Oh, uh, listen, pal.. on your way out of town, just stop by and, uh, you can have a free tank of gas. [ exits ]
Husband: [ hands pills to Madge ] Here’s your lithium. Take two. There. Oh, honey, don’t spit it out! Take your medicine, if you care. Oh, why can’t I trust you, Madge? Everytime I turn my back.. God knows what happens when I’m away at work! Do you sit around waiting for some encyclopedia salesman to pop in? Madge, don’t turn your back on me. [ Madge bounces on the bed [ Madge! Madge! [ reaches for bottle ] Here, Madge. Have a drink, honey. [ Madge swigs from the bottle ] What does that gas station attendant.. what about me?! You’re shacking up with some pump jockey! you’re a wife.. with a child! Oh, honey, what’s happened to us?
[ sound of a baby crying can be heard ]
Oh, that’s the baby, I left him in the hall. We were gonna take you to a French restaurant, but you can forget it now! [ brings baby monkey in the room ] We had a good time, didn’t we? We had a good time? Kiss for Mommy? Give Mommy a kiss.. [ to Madge ] ..or is he gonna catch something from you? Oh, Madge, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to find you like this? Oh, Madge.. you’re too much woman for me! Or maybe I’m not man enough for you. [ baby monkey bounces on suitcase, knocking it to the floor and causing himself to roll across the bed ] Madge.. there’s a fire buring inside of you, and I can’t seem to put out that flame.. It’s too much. You’re no good. You’re no damn good. But I love you. What am I gonna do? [ Madge swigs from bottle ] Don’t you think you should take a shower, Madge?
Announcer: Tune in again tomorrow, for another look at tormented love, on “I Married A Monkey”.
[ open on Christine Ebersole and Mary Gross sitting at a table in a bar ]
Christine Ebersole: Gosh, I’m so excited.. he’ll be here any second!
Mary Gross: Who?
Christine Ebersole: Our host, James Coburn.
Mary Gross: Well, this is a strange time to be working on a scene.
Christine Ebersole: Well, we’re not going to be working on a scene. Hopefully, we’ll be making a scene.
Mary Gross: [ shocked ] Chris!
Christine Ebersole: Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, Mary.. but I’m kind of stuck on the guy.
Mary Gross: Well, don’t judge a book by its cover.
Christine Ebersole: What do you mean?
Mary Gross: I mean, that James Coburn is a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just trying to keep you from wasting your time.
Christine Ebersole: What, are you crazy?
Mary Gross: That macho act of his is simply a disguise.
Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] Mary, just because he didn’t hit on you doesn’t mean he’s gay.
Mary Gross: Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you. [ Christine leaves her chair to meet James at the bar ] I know all you folks in the audience probably agree with Christine. You think I’m way off base. Well, it so happens that I’ve been studying homosexuals all my life. I can spot one a mile away! And you can, too, if you know what to look for.
[ cut to Christine and James standing at bar sharing a drink ]
Christine Ebersole: I’m really excited about working with you, Jim!
James Coburn: Realy, Chris? Well, I’m really excited about working with you. [ they laugh ] Well, here’s to an exciting relationship. [ holding his glass with his pinky finger extended, he clinks his glass with Christine’s ]
[ The scene pauses, as Mary’s heads appears in the middle of the screen ]
Mary Gross: Notice how the little finger is extended. A clinically accepted indication that someone is already halfway out of the closet! Wise up, Chris!
[ the scene starts up again ]
James Coburn: [ noticing Christine’s dress ] That’s a lovely dress you’re.. almost wearing.
Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] It’s silk.
James Coburn: Is it?
Christine Ebersole: Just like my sheets.
James Coburn: [ laughing, grabs her shoulder ] Well, I bet if I twist this right off the shoulder, the whole thing would fall right down around your.. lovely ankles.
[ another pause in the action, as Mary appears on the side of the screen ]
Mary Gross: Sure, Chris. He’d love to take off your dress. So he can put in on himself.
[ the scene starts up again ]
Christine Ebersole: It’s getting late, Jim.. I’ve got to go..
James Coburn: Oh, no.. come on, have another glass of champagne. [ he reaches for the basket of pretzels on the counter, but grabs the bartender’s hand instead ]
[ a final pause, as Mary’s head appears at the bottom of the questionable scene ]
Mary Gross: A picture is worth a thousand words. Bon appetit, Jim!
[ the scene wraps itself up ]
James Coburn: Well, Chris.. if you want to come over to my dressing room, and change over there.. and, afterwards, champagne in the fridge..
Christine Ebersole: I’d love to!
Eddie Murphy: [ approaches James, angry ] James, you bitch!
James Coburn: Eddie, we’re not going to have one of your.. jealous scenes, now are we?
Eddie Murphy: You know, James, what you need is a very thorough spanking!
James Coburn: [ wraps his arms around Eddie ] Promises, promises.. come on. [ they walk off ]
Mary Gross: [ walks up to Christine ] Told you so! Can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? Guess I was right all along, wasn’t I? [ Christine mopes ] Oh, come on, Miss Irresistable. Stop moping. We’ve got a show to do! [ wraps her arm around Christine as they walk off ]
[ the scene pauses, as James appears on the side of the screen ]
James Coburn: As it’s been said: “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Jerry Falwell: Parents, are you troubled by moral decay, rampantamong today’s teenagers? Hello, I’m Reverand Jerry Falwell. Have you everwondered what your young people are listening to on those tiny headphonesof theirs? I can assure you it’s not our Master’s voice. No, sir,it’s the secret stereophonic whisperings of Satan. How many times have weseen a youngster listen to a rock and roll recording, and then talk back tohis parents and fornicate? Never forget that it’s only a short skip fromthe phonographic needle to the hypodermic needle. Rock and roll music isthe Devil’s music – until now. Because for just $9.98, you can use thissame music to deliver your children from evil. It’s all here in my newborn-again rock and roll collection: Jesus in Blue Jeans. Youget 24 great rock hits, but no sex and no drugs – just good rockin’ lovesongs to God. Here’s just some of what you get.
[ SUPER: “Help Me, Jesus ] Jingle: “Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus! Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus!”
Jerry Falwell: These are great rock and roll classics.
Jingle: “It’s my party, and I’ll pray if I want to pray if I want to pray if I want to. You would pray, too, if it happened to you!”
Jerry Falwell: “The Messiah’s Back”.
Jingle: “The Messiah’s back, and there’s gonna be trouble. (Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!) Satan’s here, you’d better cut out on the double. (Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!)”
Jerry Falwell: And how about my personal favorite..
Jingle: “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got God in my tummy..”
Jerry Falwell: You even get this great Christmas classic:
Jingle: “Baby Lord, my Baby Lord I need you, oh how I need you.”
Jerry Falwell: Ah, my Lord, that’s righteous music! If youlove your children, just send me that $9.98. But remember the Lord worksin mysterious ways, so allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. And, if you ordernow, we’ll send you, absolutely free, a one-year subscription to AllAlong the Watchtower magazine. Send for my record today, or burnin hellfire eternal.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 6th, 1982 James Coburn Lindsay Buckingham Marc Weiner None The President’s BirthdaySummary: Frank sinatra (Joe Piscopo) sings a medley in celebration of President Ronald Reagan’s birthday. Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra. Transcript
I Married A MonkeySummary: During a family vacation to Disneyland, Tim (Tim Kazurinsky) discovers that Madge is having an affair with a gas station jockey (James Coburn). Recurring Characters: Tim. Transcript
Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.
Jesus in Blue JeansSummary: Jerry Falwell (Brian Doyle-Murray) pitches a new rock album with Christian-friendly lyrics. Recurring Characters: Jerry Falwell. Transcript
Lindsay Buckingham performs “Bwana”
Signs of HomosexualitySummary: Christine Ebersole is smitten with James Conurn until close friend Mary Gross points out her tell-tale signs that their host for the evening is a homosexual. Transcript
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.
Victims of 60 MinutesRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Reagan’s BirthdayRecurring Characters: Ed Reese.
Lindsay Buckingham performs “Trouble”
Unique Perspectives
Those Crazy Taboosters
Don’t Let it Show
Marc WeinerSummary: Marc Weiner performs a stand-up routine that employs a nautical theme and plenty of spray for tthe audience.
]]>
Air Date:
He’s No Burt Reynolds
Summary: Burt Reynolds (Robert Urich) introduces Buhweet (Eddie Murphy) and Da Dupreems, who perform a medley of unintelligible Motown hits for the audience.
Summary: Obedience trainer (Eddie Murphy) keeps elderly family members (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) in line like dogs.
Summary: Brian Doyle-Murray pays tribute to the recent death of John Belushi.
Summary: Marc Weiner performs a stand-up routine that employs a nautical theme and plenty of spray for tthe audience.