Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16

81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

Career Corner

Burt Wedermeyer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tooth Fairy…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on NBC promo slide ]

Announcer: Coming Thursday night at 9:00: “The Buckwheat Story” — a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. O-tay!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Burt Wedermeyer: Good evening. Welcome to “Career Corner”. I’m your host, Burt Wedermeyer. My guest tonight is a man who has touched all our lives. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Tooth Fairy!

[ pan out to reveal the Tooth Fairy seated next to Bert ]

You’ve been around, uh, as long as I can remember, Mr. Fairy. How long have you held your present job?

Tooth Fairy: Uhhh — forever, I’ve been doing it. Basically, forever.

Burt Wedermeyer: And, now you’re about to change careers. Why?

Tooth Fairy: Uh, well — see, for every tooth I pick up, right? — I got to leave a dime under the pillow. Okay? Now, then I got to take the tooth up to God, he gives me twelve cents. Okay? Now, when you subtract the dime I done put out my pocket already, that leaves me to clearing two cents. Now, I don’t know where you come from, but two cents ain’t a lot of money in MY neighborhood, you know?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, no, no, it’s not.

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, but sometimes, too, I be getting ripped off by little kids putting, like, Tic-Tacs udnerneath their pillow, right? And in the dark, you can’t tell the difference — I think they’re teeth, right? So I take it up to God, right? You know how it feels to give God a bag full of Tic-Tacs? I almost got fired once, ’cause he thought I was trying to tell him his breath stinks!

Burt Wedermeyer: Well, actually, that’s a revelation. I never thought of your job as being dangerous.

Tooth Fairy: Dangerous? Hey, most people — normal people — panic when they walk in their kid’s room and see a big Black guy standing there in a tutu, alright? With a big bag of dimes over their shoulder. I have been shot 6 times, I got bit by 37 doberman pinschers, and I had my behind kicked so many times I don’t even want to TALK about it!

Burt Wedermeyer: Aw, now come on, Mr. Fairy! You must get some sort of gratification from your work?

Tooth Fairy: No.

Burt Wedermeyer: Well… come on! Everybody loves the Tooth Fairy!

Tooth Fairy: No, they DON’T, man! I don’t get no letters, no Thank You, no NOTHING, alright? And I’m a FAIRY, dammit! I have feelings, too!

Burt Wedermeyer: Okay — well, what if you had your own special day?

Tooth Fairy: What you mean?

Burt Wedermeyer: Oh, you know — a day set aside just for you. You know, your own holiday.

Tooth Fairy: Oh, you mean like TOOTH Day?

Burt Wedermeyer: Yeah!

Tooth Fairy: Wow! Tooth Day! Everybody could wrap uo their teeth in little cellophane paper, you know, an put it under a tree! Right? And I could come down the chimney, and they leave me milk and cookies —

Burt Wedermeyer: Hold on — that sounds an awful lot like Christmas!

Tooth Fairy: Yeah, we could have TWO Christmases, then!

Burt Wedermeyer: No, I don’t think so.

Tooth Fairy: Why not? One for me, and one for him.

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no — I-I’m sorry —

Tooth Fairy: I do a better job than Santa Claus, man —

Burt Wedermeyer: No, no, I’m sorry, I — [ to the camera ] I’m afraid our time is up.

Tooth Fairy: It’s because he’s WHITE, right? That’s what it is.

Burt Wedermeyer: Good night, everybody! [ to the Tooth Fairy ] Ity’s not because he’s White.

Tooth Fairy: In fact, I could get some reindeer, too. How much some reindeer costs?

Burt Wedermeyer: Forget the reindeer, okay?

Tooth Fairy: Hey, listen — y’all better do something quick, ’cause Santa Claus is old and fat! He’ll probably have a heart attack soon.

Burt Wedermeyer: That’s terrible!

Tooth Fairy: It’s not terrible.

Burt Wedermeyer: Stop that!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 10th, 1982

Daniel J. Travanti

John Cougar

None

Neil Levy

Andy Murphy

Susan St. James

Dave Wilson

Akira Yoshimura

Bruce Weitz
Cooking With Marcello

Montage

Daniel J. Travanti’s Monologue

Whiners AnniversaryRecurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Everybody Does MermanRecurring Characters: Rod Serling.

Larry the Lobster: Voting So Far

John Cougar performs “Hurts So Good”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Hill Street Blues

Larry the Lobster: Larry’s Story

Bavarian Butterfly DanceSummary: In a film by Josef Sedelmaier, a dance troupe performs the Bavarian Butterfly Dance.

Career CornerSummary: Burt Wedermeyer (Tim Kazurinsky) interviews the Tooth Fairy (Eddie Murphy), who’s fed up with his career and is ready for a change.

Transcript

Larry the Lobster: If Larry Lives

Reagan Brand EconomicsSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) sells a poor couple (Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole) on his economics program that’s served with no human compassion whatsoever.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

John Cougar performs “Ain’t Even Done With The Night”

Larry the Lobster: The Final Vote

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Pirates” (So Long Lonely Avenue)

…..Blythe Danner
…..Rickie Lee Jones

Blythe Danner: And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce tonight’s musical guest – Rickie Lee Jones!

Rickie Lee Jones:
“Hey!
Come on, Joey, get out of school
We got places to go
A ’57 Lincoln, it’s got a radio, it hurts
And the girls like to touch it
Just to find out if it works
But don’t look at me
It wasn’t me.

Joey, lives on the edge of the corner
Of living on the run
I like to ride in the middle
I’m just trying to have some fun
Until the pirates come
And take me!

I won’t need no pilot
Got a pirate who might sail
Somewhere I heard far away
He answers me
So I’m holding on
To your rainbow sleeves.

Well, goodbye, boys
Oh, my buddy boys
Oh my sad-eyed Sinatras.
It’s a cold globe around the sea
You keep the shirt that I bought ya
And I know you’ll get the chance to make it, yeah
And nothing’s gonna stop you
You just reach right out and take it
You say, “So long, lonely avenue
Well, so long lonely avenue.”

I’ll see you there
Wait and see
Be looking for me
Just like you
Just like me.”

For you, Chuck E.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Help Blythe Danner

…..Blythe Danner
Costume Designer…..Robin Duke

[ open on interior, Blythe Danner’s dressing room. She looks up to notice the camera on her ]

Blythe Danner: Oh, hello! I’m Blythe Danner, and I’m here to speak to you for a moment about a problem that affects thousands of serious actors and actresses like myself. Every year, as government funding for the arts is cut back, hundreds of legitimate actors are forced to appear on comedy programs like this one. Oh, there are those of us who go willingly, but most of us are subjected to this agony and humiliation against our will. Sure, I-I appear to be enjoying myself, but that’s because I’m an actress. [ dramatically ] And a dedicated one. An actress who’s known the truth and joy of doing Shakespeare, and Chekov, and Ibsen —

[ costume designer bursts in smoking a cigarette and carrying an oversized tuna fish costume ]

Costume Designer: Miss Danner. Time to get in your tuna fish costume.

Blythe Danner: Won’t you help, please, before it’s too late? Who’s next?

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Goodnights

…..Eddie Murphy
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Blythe Danner

[ the cast surrounds Blythe Danner on the stage. She is now dressed in the tuna fish costume, and smiles meekly ]

Eddie Murphy: How about a round of applause for Blythe Danner! How about that!

[ audience applauds wildly ]

Eddie Murphy: This woman — this woman, huh! This woman looks great in this fish outfit. [ Blythe laughs ] But the star of this program has to be Joe Piscopo’s dog, All-Star!

[ Joe Piscopo bwnds down to pull his dog closer to the stage ]

Eddie Murphy: Come on, All-Star! Do your thing!

[ All-Star doesn’t feign biting joe again, so hep icks up the dog’s paws and waves to the cameras as the credits begin to roll ]

Joe Piscopo: Good night!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

Lorne Greene For Alpo

Lorne Greene…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Lorne Greene sitting on the floor petting his dog ]

Lorne Greene: Hi. I’m Lorne Greene. And this is my pal, All-Star. You know, All-Star’s 17 years old – that’s 114 to you and me. You know why she looks so young and healthy? Bwcause All-Star is an Alpo dog. Alpo is 100% meat and meat by-products, and not a speck of cereal. Alpo keeps your dog happy, healthy and frisky. Isn’t that right, All-Star, huh?

[ Lorne Greene pets All-Star again, but the dog begins to growl and attack him ]

Lorne Greene: Help! Whoa!

[ the dog ocntinues to corner Lorne Green against the wall ]

[ SUPER: “Lorne Greene. The meat dogs love.” ]

Announcer: Lorne Greene. The meat dogs love.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15

81o: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

20/20

Geraldo Rivera…..Joe Piscopo
Obstetrician…..Tony Rosato
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Woman in Labor…..Blythe Danner
Father…..Tim Kazurinsky
Intern…..Neil Levy

[ open on “20/20” logo ]

Announcer: And now, a “20/20” exclusive: “Horror in Our Hospitals.”

[ dissolve to an outer hospital hall, as Geraldo Rivera enters weilding a microphone ]

Geraldo Rivera: I’m the cold, sterile corridors of Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan. A place of healing, or a place of cruel, inhuman torture? Hello, I’m Geraldo Rivera. Something is going on here in Mount Sinai, but nobody is talking. [ orderlies push a woman past Geraldo on a stretcher ] Excuse me, miss. Geraldo Rivera. Could I ask you a few questions? [ the orderlies continue to push the stretcher off-screen ] Excuse me, miss! [ unpleased ] Obviously, she’s been instructed not to talk to us.

[ a woman’s scream pierces from behind the door at Geraldo’s back ]

Geraldo Rivera: A cry of human anguish behind an anonymous green door. Who knows what suffering waits within. This is too much, let’s go inside.

[ Geraldo bursts into the room, as doctors crowd over a woman giving birth ]

Geraldo Rivera: Alright, what’s going on in here, what’s going on?

Obstetrician: [ outraged by the interruption ] This woman’s in labor! Who is this guy?!

Geraldo Rivera: I’m Geraldo Rivera!

Obstetrician: Get this guy out of here!

Geraldo Rivera: Who are you, and what you trying to hide?

Obstetrician: [ stands and approaches Geraldo ] I’m not trying to hide anything! I’m an obstretrician! I’m trying to help this woman deliver a baby, for god’s sake!

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, you’re not trying to hide anything? Then why the mask, Doctor? [ pulls the obstretrician’s mask off his face ]

Obstetrician: Hey, what the heck’s going on?

Geraldo Rivera: And what about these rubber gloves? [ tugs at the obstretrician’s right glove ] Afraid of fingerprints, huh? Is that the story?

Obstetrician: What are you doing?!

[ the obstetrician frees himself loose, as Geraldo corners an approaching nurse ]

Geraldo Rivera: Geraldo Rivera! What do you call this, huh? What do you call this?

Nurse: I-it’s just something to relieve the pain.

Geraldo Rivera: Uh-huh. In other words, hard drugs. A vicious pattern at Mount Sinai. Keep the patient stoned, so they don’t ask any questions. [ picks up a pair of clamps ] And what about this? Oh, God knows what these are for?

[ Geraldo stands over the woman in labor ]

Geraldo Rivera: They say you’re having a baby? Is that true? Is that true, are you having a baby? [ she pants rapidly ] You can talk to me, I’m Geraldo Rivera! [ she can’t form her words, panting and gasping more rapidly ] If you’re afraid of these people — look, if you’re having a baby, who’s the father?! Who’s the father?!

[ the father moves closer with a camera ]

Geraldo Rivera: Hey, what’s with the camera, pal, huh?

Father: Well.. I’m taking pictures of my baby being born.

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, what is this, child pornography, huh? You know, last year over 50,000 young girls were sexually molested because of smut like this! [ throws the camera to the floor ]

Father: I’ll kill you, that was a Nikon! [ strangles Geraldo ]

Geraldo Rivera: Oh, you see! Another unprovoked attack on a journalist just trying to do his job!

[ security officers crash into the room and pull Geraldo into the hall ]

Geraldo Rivera: Go ahead, rough me up! This is police brutality! This is Geraldo Rivera, at a snakepit called Mount Sinai, reporting. [ to the officers ] Go ahead! Rough me up, rough me up —

[ dissolve to “20/20” logo ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 27th, 1982

Blythe Danner

Rickie Lee Jones

Michael Davis

None

Neil Levy
Lorne Greene For AlpoSummary: Lorne Greene’s (Joe Piscopo) canine pal attacks him because he’s the meat dogs love.

Recurring Characters: Lorne Greene.

Transcript

Montage

Blythe Danner’s MonologueSummary: After confusing Blythe Danner for an actress who recently portrayed Elenour Roosevelt, Mary Gross forces Danner to perform a series of classic female celebrity impressions.

Bio: Most recognized for her stage work by the time she hosted SNL, Blythe Danner (1943-) was married to TV producer Bruce Paltrow, and is the mother of actors Gwyneth and Jake Paltrow.

America Is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Accidental CelibacySummary: While explaining their sex-free hobbies to dinner guests Andy (Brian Doyle-Murray) and Barbara (Christine Ebersole), Steve (Tim Kazurinsky) and Doreen (Robin Duke) hit upon the realization that neither one wanted to be celibate in the first place. Now charged with pent-up energy, they quickly rush their guests through dinner so they can get rid of them.

20/20Summary: Geraldo Rivera (Joe Piscopo) looks for conspiracies and cover-ups in a Mount Sinai Hospital delivery room as a woman (Blythe Danner) prepares to give birth.

Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera.

Transcript

The Khaddaffi LookSummary: Jordache spoof gives the Libyan dictator his own clothing line.

Note: Repeat from 81a.

Reclusive PoetSummary: Reclusive poet Ariel Feeley (Mary Gross) lives a strange life making up games with lint in an isolated room and plucking hairs off her sister’s (Robin Duke) chin. The inertia is broken when ex-prisoner/poet Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) enters through the window looking for valuables. There are none, but Tyrone and Ariel are fans of one another’s work, and make a date for the evening.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Pirates (So Long Lonely Avenue)”Lyrics

The Fifties Are BackSummary: At an 80’s dance, a couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Blythe Danner) explains that the 50’s mentality are alive once again in the 80’s.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Christine EbersoleSummary: Christine Ebersole fills in for Mary Gross, who appears on-assignment at Vince Edwards house to await the shittle landing. Yvonne “Spike” DeMouchier (Robin Duke) comments on the fashion disasters of the Best Actress nominees. Joe Piscopo declares Georgetown the NCAA champion over North Carolina because of its attractive co-eds. Brian Doyle-Murray announced that he’s the proud new uncle of Bill Murray’s son Homer Banks Murray.

Note: Bloopers abound as Christine Ebersole fumbles with her microphone, and Brian Doyle-Murray delivers his first story without his microphone.

Michael DavisSummary: Entertainer Michael Davis juggles a bowing ball, a tomato and an egg, with the added bonus of eating the tomato as he juggles it.

The Uncle Tom ShowSummary: Now relegated to hosting a kiddie’s show while dressed in a hige, floppy bow tie, Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) interviews brash-mouthed Gumby (Eddie Murphy) about the scandals that exist among cartoon characters.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Gumby.

Meet The PeopleSummary: Purportedly famous newsman Brian Doyle-Murray moderates as Princess Di (Christine Ebersole) answers off-topic questions from normal, everyday people (Robin Duke, Blythe Danner, Tony Rosato).

Recurring Characters: Princess Di.

Help Blythe DannerSummary: As a costume designer (Robin Duke) brings in a tuna fish costume for the next sketch, Blythe Danner makes a plea to the audience to provide funding to prevent stage stars like herself from having to appear on SNL.

Transcript

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Lush Life”

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Woody & Dutch On The Slow Train To Peking”Note: Rickie Lee Jones performs this extra song after announcing there’s seven minutes and twenty seconds left in the show.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14

81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

Golden Age School of Obedience

Nana….Robin Duke
Husband…..Robert Urich
Wife….Mary Gross
Pop…..Tim Kazurinsky
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo
Trainer…..Eddie Murphy

[ Open on a family. Senile Nana and Pop sit next to each other at the dinner table. Husband sits at the end, reading the paper, as Wife hands him a dessert from the dessert plate. ]

Nana: What time is it?

Husband: It’s 8:15, Nana. How did you sleep last night, Nana?

Nana: Well I was cold. It’s always cold. Why don’t you turn up the heat?

Husband: I told you, Nana, we have to set the thermostat so everybody’s comfortable.

Wife: Here, Pop. Have some danish.

Pop: HAVE YOU GOT A JELLY DONUT?

Wife: No jelly donuts. I have apple danish, though.

Nana: What time is it? Does anybody know?

Wife: It’s 8:15.

Pop: WHERE’S THE JELLY DONUTS?!? THERE’S NOT ANY??

Wife: No, there’s not any, I told you, just apple danish.

Pop: [ touches the dessert plate ] COULD YOU WARM IT UP?

Nana: [ leans over to Pop ] Everything’s cold here. [ faces Husband ] … What time is it?

[ Husband rubs his face in aggravation as Wife sits down and does the same. The Spokesman appears in a circle at the top of the screen as 50’s stock music plays. ]

Spokesman: Aren’t Mom and Dad annoying?

[ laughter ]

Spokesman: Sure, they’ve given you the best years of their life, but why should you have to put up with ’em now? We’re the Golden Age School of Obedience.

[ The logo appears at the bottom of the screen. As the Spokesman talks, Nana keeps asking “What time is it?” as Husband and Wife sit there, aggravated. ]

Spokesman: And we believe that old people should be seen, and not heard. Our Golden Age professionals come to your home to teach your old folks some new tricks. Watch.

[ The Spokesman fades away, and the doorbell rings. Wife answers, finds Trainer at the door holding a rolled-up newspaper. ]

Trainer: Hi, I’m the man from Golden Age.

Wife: Oh, come right in!

[ She shuts the door and leads him to the table ]

Wife: Nana? Pop? This is the man we told you about.

Trainer: Hi, Nana and Pop. I’ve heard so much about you. [ to Wife ] You can leave us now. We’ll be all right.

Wife: [ nods ] All right. [ she and Husband exit the kitchen ]

Trainer: OK, that’s all I’ll be needing. Take it easy.

Nana: What time is it?

Trainer: [ switches to drill sergeant mode ] SHUT UP!! [ whacks her with the newspaper ] SHUT UP!! Just for askin’ that stupid question, you know what you do?!? [ carries her over to the fridge ] Stay in this corner, till you know enough to stop askin’ stupid questions!! Close the refrigerator!! [ raises the newspaper, mumbles ] Break yo’ head …

[ Pop taps the plate on the table ]

Pop: I WANT A JELLY DONUT!

Trainer: Oh yeah? Well tell me some’m, Pop! [ whacks him with the newspaper ] How the hell you gon’ eat that jelly donut — [ yanks out Pop’s dentures ] — with no damn TEETH in y’mouth, huh?!? [ throws the dentures through the closed kitchen window. Wild applause. ]

Nana: [ hobbles over to Trainer ] What time is it?

Trainer: What ti- that’s it. That’s the last straw. [ carries her back to the fridge and forces her down on the ground ] Gimme ten! GIMME TEN! DOWN! On the double! Gimme ten! [ grabs Pop and forces him down on the ground next to her ] You too! This ain’t funny! DOWN! Come on, together, UP! DOWN! UP! [ whacks them with the newspaper as they feebly attempt to do push-ups ] DOWN! UP! DOWN! UP!

[ Fade to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: At the Golden Age School of Obedience, we’ll teach them to stop nagging, stop whining, and stop demanding to be treated like adults.

[ Fade back to the kitchen, one day later. Wife hands Husband a danish from the dessert plate, then walks over to Pop. ]

Husband: Have some danish, Nana? [ Nana flinches in fear, like a dog ]

Wife: Pop?

[ She holds a danish up to his mouth, and he reluctantly chews on it ]

Wife: [ grins, facing the camera ] Now that’s how old people ought to act. Thanks, Golden Age!

[ Applause. The logo appears again, and we fade out on Nana and Pop being fed danishes as Husband and Wife grin and nod at each other. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14

81n: Robert Urich / Mink De Ville

John Belushi Tribute

…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ Home Base. Brian Doyle-Murray stands alone facing the camera. ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: As you all know, since our last live show, we lost our friend and colleague, John Belushi. John was an original cast member of Saturday Night Live, and someone I worked with, uh, for many years, both here and in Chicago. John put me up when I first came to New York, and took care of me. Once, he and I were, uh, running down Bleecker Street in the Village, uh, during a snowstorm, and, uh, we were running around with our heads down and our hats pulled over our eyes — couldn’t see where we were going — we came to a corner, and uh, John yelled at me, uh, “Look out!” and shoved me aside. And uh, I turned just in time to see him get hit by a 10-ton truck. The right bumper caught him, he flew up into the air and uh, landed on the curb, and got up and dusted himself off, and uh, seemed perfectly all right. An ambulance came, he didn’t want to get in it, and uh, so we went to St. Vincent’s Hospital anyway, and they x-rayed him, and he was, perf, perfectly all right. Nothing wrong with him at all.

So uh, so he saved my life, and uh, I always thought he was indestructible. So uh, speaking for the current cast, the, the band, the staff backstage, and the crew here in the studio, hundreds of people who knew and worked with John, we mourn his death and we miss him very much.

[ A moment of silence. Fade to a wider shot of Brian on stage, followed by a bumper with Belushi. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts