Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

An Editorial Reply

Marilyn Monroe…..Mary Gross

Announcer: [ over slide ] Here now: Am Editorial Reply.

[ dissolve to October 1981 issue of Life Magazine with Marilyn Monroe on the cover ]

[ dissolve to Marilyn Monroe ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ]
“The press is glad to… use my name
Take delight in exploit… ation
That ups their sales and to-ta-ly
Destroyed… my rep… u… tation.”

[ dancing men surround her ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ]
“If Life Magazine needs my face to sell issues
Than downers are a girl’s best friend
And guys dressed like me with their… chest stuffed with tissues
Don’t seem very nice
I hear some nights they go on twice!

Well-bred men pick up their pants
Intellects who dissect my fat end
If the future of the presses rest on me in low-cut dresses
Downers are a girl’s best friend.

[ one dancer holds up a copy of Truman Capote’s “Music For Chameleons” ]

Capote!

[ another dancer holds up Arthur Miller’s “After The Fall” ]

Miller!

[ another dancer holds up Garson Kanin’s “Moviola” ]

“Gar… son… Ka… nen
Talk to me, Norman Mailer!
Tell me all about me!

If made-for-TV films don’t mean much, be written
Downers are a girl’s best friend.
And writers who write on the… men I was smitten
with… make so much dough
and write as though they really know.

Dunaway would run away
to play me, though she’d need my rear end!
This is inventive
to me, it’s offensive
Downers are a girl’s best friend.”

[ one dancer holds up a copy of Truman Capote’s “Music For Chameleons” ]

Capote!

[ another dancer holds up Arthur Miller’s “After The Fall” ]

Miller!

[ another dancer holds up an issue of Playboy Magazine ]

Playboy!

[ she pulls on another dancer, who holds up an issue of Time Magazine ]

Time!

“Good! Bye! Norma Jean!
Talk to me, Norman Mailer!
Tell me all about me!

Downers!
These writers are downers.
They make my life rotten.
Downers… are a girl’s best… best friend!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writer:


October 17th, 1981

George Kennedy

Miles Davis

Harry Anderson

Ron Howard

Regis Philbin

John Candy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Control Room ’81Summary: When cameras start cutting out during a “To Tell The Truth” sketch, George Kennedy puts himself in Joe Patroni-mode to take over the control room and keep the broadcast on air.

Transcript

Montage

George Kennedy’s MonologueSummary: George Kennedy is ready to redline tonight’s broadcast.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson (Eddie Murphy) receives an eviction notice from Mr. Landlord (Tim Kazurisnky), then travels to the Magical Land of Make-Believe to ask President Ronald Reagan where his money went.

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.

Transcript

53 at Studio 54Summary: After discovering he’s not on Studio 54’s guest list, old-timer George Kennedy sings that it’s no fun to be “53 at Studio 54”.

Transcript

A Few Minutes With Andy RooneySummary Jones: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) grouses about chocolates and his nagging wife (Christine Ebersole), who registers a few grumpisms of her own.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Velvet Jones School of TechnologySummary: Entrepreneur Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) pimps his new book: “I Wanna Be A Ho”.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Harry AndersonSummary: Comic-magician Harry Anderson tears and repairs an audience member’s $5 bill, then reveals the varied mechanisms that helped him pull off the illusion.

Mr. Bill Goes to L.A.Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill’s sojourn in Los Angeles is interrupted by a cocaine bust that costs him his mansion, as well as an earthquake that swallows him whole.

Spray-On LaetrilSummary: Gwen (Christine Ebersole) shows Peggy (Mary Gross) how to clear up her unsightly lung cancer with a few easy sprays from the pump.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Eddie Murphy declares that no person is too ugly to have sex with. Juan Gavino (John Candy) gives the Mexican weather report.

La Cage Aux Folles ’81

Up & At ‘Em

Rubik’s Teeth

Miles Davis performs “Jean Pierre”

Jake the Hired Hand

An Editorial ReplySummary: Marilyn Monroe (Mary Gross) sings “Downers Are A Girl’s Best Friend.”

Recurring Characters: Marilyn Monroe.

Transcript

Tuna Melts & TypingSummary: Janitor (George Kennedy) and secretary (Christine Ebersole) discuss her engagement and chat about nostalgic music while eating late night tuna fish sandwiches.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Honeymoon Virgin

Billy…..Tony Rosato
Sharon…..Susan Saint James

[ open on interior, darkened honeymoon suite, as newly-married couple cross the threshold while humming “The Wedding March” ]

Billy: Well, here we are, honey! The Honeymoon capitof of America — Daytona Beach! Get the light, will ‘ya? [ she flips the light switch with her foot as he pushes the door closed with his back ] Oh, I gotta put you down, honey. Oh, boy… you’re putting on a little bit of weight there, I think. Huh?

Sharon: No, I think it has to do with the suitcases.

Billy: Oh. I thought you left those in the car. [ he looks around the suite ] Hey, look at this! Look at this, huh! Lawn chairs and everything.

Sharon: Billy, look! Champagne! THe motel people must have left it for us.

Billy: That’s nice. Oh, that’ssupposed to be excellent stuff, and it’s a good vintage, too — February’s a good month. Okay, now stand back, Sharon, because I’m gonna pop this thing. [ he holds the bottle out ]

Sharon: Billy?

Billy: Look out, baby, this thing goes off like a cannon.

Sharon: Billy.

Billy: Look out, Sharon!

Sharon: Honey. honey, it’s a twist-off, I think you just screw it off like that. [ she untwists the cork ]

Billy: Oh, yeah, yeah… I knew that. I knew that. [ she holds up two glasses ] Let’s have a little bit of the bubbly, huh?

Sharon: Uh-huh!

[ Billy pours the champagne into the glasses, not realizing they’re covered in plastic wrap, prompting the champagne to splash onto Sharon’s clothes ]

Billy: There’s plastic on those! Let me get a towel, let me get a towel…

Sharon: No, no, I got it…

Billy: I’m sorry, Sharon.

Sharon: I’m sure it’ll dry right off.

Billy: Yeah? You sure? I didn’t even see those. [ he removes the plasti wrap from the glasses ] Why the hell is there plastic on these things?

Sharon: I know. Well, it’s sanitary that way.

Billy: Okay, here. [ he hands her a glass ] you want to make a toast?

Sharon: Oh, yeah!

Billy: Let’s make a little toast.

Sharon: Okay, alright!

Billy: [ he pours the champagne ] A little bit for you… a little bit for me… Good, it looks like Bromo. [ she laughs ] Alright! To the most wonderful girl in the world. Thanks so much for coming into my life. To you.

Sharon: [ she smiles ] Billy. Such a jerk! [ she laughs, then chugs her champagne ]

Billy: [ he shrugs, then chugs ] Oh, that’s got a kick to it, huh? Oh, I don’t know about you, but I feel a little crazy now! [ she laughs nervously ] I think it’s time, Sharon!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: I think it’s TIME, honey! [ he removes his jacket, dances seductively, then howls like a wolf and stands on a chair over the bed ] Come on, I’ve been practicing all week — it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: Come on, lie down! I’ll just come gliding in there. Come on, I’ll do a double flip and it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: [ finally ] I’VE NEVER MADE LOVE TO ANYBODY BEFORE!!

Billy: Huh?

Sharon: [ quietly ] I’ve never made love to anybody before.

Billy: Are y-y-y-y-you serious? you never made love to anybody? [ he climbs down ]

Sharon: I’ve never even simulated it.

Billy: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute… Sharon… weren’t you th one who said we were gonna wait until today? I mean, “Doing it with the one you love was gonna be beautiful.” You said that, didn’t you?

Sharon: Oh, yes.

Billy: Well… I assumed you were talking from experience!

Sharon: Ohhh. Noooo.

Billy: But you’re 31 years old. That’s a long time to hold on! How did you manage that?

Sharon: I don’t know, I just kept putting it off. The first tiem the situation arose, I aid “No.” The second time the situation arose, I said “No.” And the third time, I said “Yes,” but he said “No.”

Billy: W-w-w-whoa, wait a minute… Sharon. I don’t understand. I mean, why was I a “No”? I mean, I look like a “Maybe” at the most! I don’t understand!

Sharon: Billy… because I love you. I didn’t know that sex was the most important thing in your life.

Billy: Well… not the most important thing… But once every 31 years starts to take on some significance! You know what I mean? Sharon, it’s like buying a brand new car! I mean, if you put it in the garage for 31 years… it might not start up the next morning!

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly. Don’t you remember that poem that you wrote me? The first one, where you said: “Love is like the whirling of the universe in two people’s eyes.” You meant that, didn’t you?

Billy: Yeah, yeah! Of course, I meant that. Of course. But this is a different situation, Sharon…

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly! As long as we love each other.

Billy: No, but you don’t seem to know what the problem is, Sharon. I don’t think you understand, Sharon.

Sharon: I think you’re making it too important.

Billy: You don’t see the position that I’m in now. I mean, the onus, honey — the onus is now on me to be INCREDIBLE! I’ve got to be INCREDIBLE now! I’m not incredible, honey!

Sharon: I don’t care!

Billy: I know, Sharon, but it’s your first time. Your first time should be good.

Sharon: I won’t know the difference!

Billy: [ the light bulb flicks on ] That’s true… that’s true. What the hell are you gonna compare it to! [ he takes her hands ] Hey, and you know something, honey? I have to be incredible sometimes! [ she laughs with him ] Oh, you’re right… maybe you’re right.

Sharon: You know, I always wondered how people got from standing up with their clothes on to lying down naked.

Billy: [ thinking ] Oh… we got a long night ahead of us, don’t we? I got an idea that’ll make it easier. Why don’t I start taking something off first, and then you can start to take something off, and then we’ll work our way down. Four hours will go. Let’s go. Come on, come and sit here on my lap. Come on, Sharon. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.

Sharon: Okay. [ she sits on his lap ]

Billy: Okay, now don’t be freaked out by these rolls on my sides — they’re called love handles, okay? [ she stands ] Sharon, come on, it’ll be okay…

Sharon: No, Billy, I can’t…

Billy: No, come on, it’s okay!

Sharon: Ican’t, I can’t… [ she climbs on the chair ]

Billy: What are you doing?

Sharon: LAY DOWN, I’m gonna JUMP ON YOU!!

Billy: [ he lays down flat ] ALRIGHT!!

[ she dives off the chair and lands on top of him victoriously ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

She’s A Pig

Peter…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ellen…..Mary Gross
Paulette Clooney…..Robin Duke
Peter’s Mother…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. Peter sits alone at a booth as Ellen passes by. ]

Ellen: Peter?

Peter: [ surprised ] Ellen.

Ellen: I don’t believe this! Of all people — well, fancy this!

Peter: It’s good to see you. [ she sits in his booth ] Um… why don’t you join me, for a few moments?

Ellen: Well, I can only stay a few moments — I’m off to meet a client. I suppose you, too, are meeting someone?

Peter: Yes, uh… my fiancee.

Ellen: Oh. Well… how lovely. I’m very happy for you.

Peter: So, how are you?

Ellen: Oh… [ she laughs nervously ]

Peter: What’s so funny?

Ellen: Oh, nothing. It’s just that I’ve really dreaded this moment.

Peter: Well, so have I.

Ellen: It seems so strange to see someone that you’ve been intimate with. It makes you feel as if you’ve never known the person at all. But you have! But you act like you don’t! It just seems so strange… so different… so formal. [ she smiles ] So, how have you been? [ she laughs ]

Peter: Fine. I’ve changed! I golf!

Ellen: Oh, you do? How interesting.

Peter: Yeah, I suppose. [ they laugh ] And yourself?

Ellen: Oh, nothing much. I slashed my wrist. [ she holds up her wrist, as Peter looks concerned ] Oh, don’t worry, it was nothing — just a Lady Gillette. I went straight to the hospital, and they put a Band-aid on it.

Peter: Oh.

Ellen: Oh, Peter! Don’t be so dramatic! It’s something I’vealways wanted to say I’ve done! [ she laughs ]

Peter: Well, I-I don’t want you to think it was easy for me. I was pretty devastated, too. It took someone very special to help me get over that rough time. And I-I-I’ve found someone. She’s… she’s quite a woman. She’s a real woman. Her name’s Paulette. We’re so different, now. We’re worlds apart. It shouldn’t work, but it does.

Ellen: Well, congratulations! I suppose I would have preferred to have found you down and out, lying in a gutter. Well, maybe not a gutter… but sitting on a curb looking sad.

Peter: Well, Paulette is truly a remarkable woman.

Ellen: Nice segueway.

Peter: She’s so full of life, uh…

[ suddenly, Paulette appears behind them, annoyed by Ellen’s presence ]

Paulette: Who the HELL are you?!

Peter: [ surprised ] Paulette! Uh… uh, this is Ellen.

Paulette: Don’t try to worm your way out of it! Where the HELL were you?! [ she crashes into the booth ] Jeez! I was sitting down at the Cafe Ole for tow hours waiting for you, like some kind of a NUT! Where the HELL where you?! I’ll tell you THIS much — on top of that, I got all these GREASEBALLS hitting on me! [ she points to Ellen ] I’ll tell you — a single broad CANNOT enjoy a drink alone these days! Am I right? [ Ellen nods sheepishly ]

Paulette: [ to Peter ] So, anyway, listen to this — [ she removes her fur coat, revealing a strapless bra hanging on for dear life ] This one moose comes up to me — right? — tells me he’ll give me twenty bucks to pull my top out like this: [ she pulls her bra out, as Peter looks away ] So I SMASHED him in the FACE! [ she laughs ] Oh, geez, look at that! I broke a nail! [ she dips her nail in Peter’s drink, wipes it with a napkin, then rubs the napkin under her arm ]

Peter: I left a message at your hotel.

Paulette: Well, I didn’t GO to my hotel! Okay? I thought it was on for the Cafe Ole! Geez, you’re lucky I seen you through the window of this joint, I was headin’ home! [ she looks at Ellen ] Who’s the dame?

Peter: This is Ellen. I introduced her already.

Paulette: Oh, cut me a break, would you, Petey? Why’d I ask “Who’s the dame?” if you told me already?

Peter: [ exasperated ] Paulette, this is Ellen; Ellen, Paulette.

Ellen: Charmed.

Paulette: Yeah, I’m sure. [to Peter ] Where’s the can?

Peter: [ pointing ] Across the lobby and down the stairs.

Paulette: Yeah, well, order me a couple of drafts, babe. Black, if they got ’em. Okay? I’m going to the toilet to turn myself up a bit. [ to Ellen ] Hey — no offense, toots!

[ Paulette exits to the bathroom ]

Ellen: She’s a pig! [ Peter gives her a dirty look ] But not in the bad sense, though. It’s just that she’s so… so bovine.

Peter: [ annoyed ] You’re being sarcastic!

Ellen: Right! Why bother to wait? It’s only sarcasm. She’s a pig!

Peter: You know, first impressions are —

Ellen: First impressions are usually right on the money, Petey — she’s a pig!

Peter: Well, why don’t you just knock it off, huh? You’re jealous, that’s all!

Ellen: Cut me a break, will ‘ya? We’re talking USDA! We’re talking pork on the hoof!

Peter: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!

Ellen: Again? Yeah, well, I better make room for the sty.

Peter: Wait a minute! You just wait! She’s WONDERFUL! She’s full of life! She can drink ANY guy under the table!

Ellen: Such a rare quality these days. Peter, I’m sorry. Listen, uh, can I buy you a drink? No hard feelings, okay? [ Peter nods ] Okay! Uh, Waiter? A dry martini for the gentleman, and could you pour a keg of beer in a trough for the lady?

Peter: [ aggravated ] You just don’t understand! She — she can take me places I’ve never been before!

Ellen: Yeah? Well, I hope they have penicillin there!

Peter: That’s ENOUGH, alright?!

Ellen: Peter, I just don’t understand. You’re educated, you’re sophisticated — we never missed a Bergman flick or a gallery opening. We hit all the major exhibits and all the —

Peter’s Mom: Petey, baby!

Peter: [ caught off-guard ] Mom!

[ Mom is dressed like an older Paulette ]

Peter’s Mom: Petey, look at you — you’re still dressed like a SISSY! [ she looks at Ellen ] This the dame you wanted me to meet?

Peter: No, no, no… this is Ellen. An old friend. She was just leaving.

Ellen: Goodbye, Peter. [ she oinks before leaving ]

Peter’s Mom: Hey, Petey — where’s the can?

Peter: It’s, uh… it’s across the lobby and down the stairs, Mom.

Peter’s Mom: okay. Listen — order me a couple of drafts, alright…?

[ camera zooms out, then fades ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Susan St. James’ Monologue

…Susan Saint James
Douglas MacArthur…Tim Kazurinsky
Macbeth…Tony Rosato
Ronald McDonald…Joe Piscopo

Mel Brand: Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Saint James!

[Applause. Susan Saint James walks to the main stage dressed in a red #18 T-shirt.]

Susan Saint James: Well, you guessed it. That’s right, I am Susan Saint James. Listen, I’ve been in show business for about 15 years, and I am here tonight to clear up some of the misconceptions that you may have about me. For instance, a big one: I’m not Jill St. John, and I’m not even built like Jill St. John! My name is Saint James. S-A-I-N-T, you know how they get it wrong in the National Enquirer all the time? S-A-I-N-T, that’s me. Okay, I was not named after an infirmary, and I was not named after a Bible. Another common misconception: Is there anybody here old enough to remember the Name of the Game series? [applause and whistles] All right, we’re getting the adults in here now! Okay! Well, listen, everybody used to always think my character, Peggy Maxwell, was sleeping with all three of her bosses. I mean, one right after another: Gene Barry, Tony Franciosa, Bob Stack, bang-bang-bang! Another big misconception! Okay, next, the misconception: Did you and Rock Hudson really get along? I mean, we did. We got along great. Rock is a wonderful guy, and we worked together for five years on McMillan & Wife. [applause] I wore this in case you forgot, you know what I mean? Gene Washington, number 18. Listen, all of this is leading up to the obligatory Saturday Night Live host sketch. I had to do it. They’re paying me to do it. Okay, Broderick Crawford was on here, he did a Highway Patrol sketch. We had Margot Kidder, she came on and she did a Lois Lane sketch. We had Tony Perkins, and he did a Psycho sketch. But tonight, I said I’m not gonna do it the regular way. I wanna do it a little different. Let’s let the audience participate a little bit. You know, you guys came here tonight. We’re gonna let you decide what kind of a sketch we are gonna do. Okay, you ready? You got three choices. Your first choice is: We could do it as MacArthur & Wife! Let’s hear it! Wha’d’ya think? We’re taking a vote!

[Tim Kazurinsky walks on stage dressed as Douglas MacArthur as audience applauds. Tim tries to encourage more applause, but Susan pushes him aside]

Susan Saint James: Okay, we got another choice: We got Macbeth & Wife!

[applause as Tony Rosato walks on stage as Macbeth]

Susan Saint James: We’ve got one more choice, and my favorite: Let’s hear it for McDonald & Wife!

[applause as Joe Piscopo walks on stage as Ronald McDonald. Joe and Susan hug]

Susan Saint James: Okay, guys. Remember, you asked for it!

[Joe and Susan exit to prepare for the McDonald & Wife sketch, leaving a disappointed Tim and Tony on the main stage]

[dissolve to “McDonald & Wife” sketch]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

McDonald & Wife

Ronald McDonald…Joe Piscopo
Sally…Susan Saint James

[“McDONALD & WIFE” title shown over theme music. Dissolve to Ronald McDonald in bed with Sally, whose head is bobbing up and down under the covers]

Sally: I can’t find it! I can’t find it! I can’t find it! [Comes out from under the covers]

Ronald McDonald: Aw, come on, honey!

Sally: The gun, honey. If we could just find the gun, then we’d know [begins kissing Ronald] who the killer is.

Ronald McDonald: Oh, Sally, don’t worry about it! [Rolls over while embracing Sally] In fact, don’t worry about a thing! [They kiss passionately] Bigger breasts!

Sally: Oh, Mac!

Ronald McDonald: No no, not yours, Sally, McMarilyn’s breasts. [Rolls over and lays on his back in bed] Did you notice them at the party tonight?

Sally: I wasn’t looking at McMarilyn’s breasts.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, they were huge. They were like a pair of McMelons, I’m telling you. You know, I bet you she’s hiding something in there.

Sally: Oh, Mac, you’re so smart! [Moves in to kiss him] You always come up with the clues! [Both chuckle] It fell. [Ronald becomes sad] Oh, I mean McMildred’s souffle fell. [They kiss] Have you ever known one of McMildred’s souffles to fall? [kiss] That means that when the murderer [kiss] went upstairs [kiss] and shot your mother [kiss] that the s–when the body hit the ground [kiss] the souffle fell [kiss] and McMildred didn’t serve it! [kiss] That means the gun is in the souffle! [kiss]

Ronald McDonald: And the murderer is [kiss]

Both: McMildred!

Sally: [Starts to get out of bed] Oh, I’m going to go tell McEnright.

Ronald McDonald: [Stops her] Uh, McLater.

[She climbs back into bed and begins making out with Ronald]

Sally: All right!

[Fade to “McNeil/Lehrer & Wife” graphic]

Announcer: Join us next week for “McNeil/Lehrer & Wife”!

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Cheap Laffs

…Tim Kazurinsky
…Robin Duke
…Christine Ebersole
…Tony Rosato
…Joe Piscopo

[Open on “CHEAP LAFFS” title over a close-up of a bulletin board covered with rubber chickens, fake bunny ears and other joke objects. A Spike Jones song plays in the background. Camera tilts down to show Tim Kazurinsky typing. Tim becomes frustrated, rips the paper out of the typewriter, crumples it up, and throws it into the trash can.]

Tim Kazurinsky: Hi. I’m Tim Kazurinsky. You know, every week we come up with ideas for the show we think are funny . Trouble is, a lot of these ideas are incredibly cheap. For instance, we wanted to do a take-off on The Love Boat called The Lez-Boat. They didn’t let us do it. You know why? ‘Cause it was cheap, much too cheap for a high class show like this. Well, that’s another story. [Tim digs through the trash can, picks out a crumpled piece of paper and picks off a gum wrapper stuck to it.] All right! Here’s this week’s Cheap Laff–gum wrapper. It seems that these two women were having a drink at a bar, and then this guy walks in…[Dissolve to bar scene. Christine Ebersole brings her drink to the table where Robin Duke is sitting]

Christine Ebersole: Hey, Robin, where did Tony go?

Robin Duke: Oh, he, ah, just went to the bathroom.

[Tony walks up to the table]

Tony Rosato: Hi, Chris. Hi, Robin. How’s it going?

Christine Ebersole: Hi, Tony.

[Christine and Robin stare at Tony’s crotch for a moment]

Christine Ebersole: [leaning over to Robin and speaking softly] Robin, do you see what I see?

[Tony covers his crotch in embarassment and turns to the camera]

Tony Rosato: Oh, no! Those embarassing spots! I could’ve died!

[Cut to wide shot of bar as Joe Piscopo enters, playing a cheesy commercial announcer. He smiles and addresses the camera]

Joe Piscopo: How many times has this happened to you? I’m talking trouser tracks! Well, that’s a thing of the past thanks to new Sta-free Peenie Pads! They’re super-absorbent! Watch. [Steps up to table with two mannequin torsos wearing underwear] Here’s a pair of regular underwear. [Pours a pitcher of water into the underwear] Notice how that water just seeps right through. Now another pair of underwear with a Sta-free Peenie Pad. [Pretends to pour water] Peenie Pads stop the moisture on contact, give you all-day confidence. Watch!

[Dissolve to original shot of Christine and Robin at the table]

Christine Ebersole: Where’s Tony?

[Tony walks up]

Tony Rosato: Here I am. [Spreads his jacket to show off his dry crotch]

Joe Piscopo: Sta-free Peenie Pads. Good for the last drop!

[Dissolve back to Tim Kazurinsky holding up a page of the Sta-free script. He crumples it and throws it into the trash]

Tim Kazurinsky: Now that was cheap! This is Tim Kazurinsky saying so long until next time for “Cheap Laffs.”

[Camera pans up to the bulletin board. The “CHEAP LAFFS” title reappears]

[fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Goodnights

…..Susan St. James

Susan St. James: Saturday Night is BACK!! Goodnight, everybody!

Announcer: Be sure to be with us again next week, as Oscar Award-winning George Kennedy hosts with musical guest Miles Davis. For all of us at “Saturday Night Live”, this is Mel Brandt, saying: “Good night!”

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  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Push Button To Explode Building

by: Andy Aaron & Tom Davis

Woman…..Emily Prager
Man…..Tom Davis

[ open on close-up of street sign: “Push Button To Cross Street” ]

[ pan upward to reveal close-up of second street sign: “Push Button To Explode Building” ]

[ a Woman walks up to the corner and pushes the button to cross the street, looks both ways, then crosses ]

[ cut to full shot, which now reveals building across the street, as a man approaches, reads both signs, then pushes the button to cross the street ]

[ second Man runs forward, not even looking at the signs, as his hand reaches out and pushes the button to explode the building behind him ]

[ sirens sound ]

[ the Man jumps, then realizes he’s pushed the wrong button and wuickly pushes the button to cross the street in order to accomodate for his mistake ]

[ the building suddenly explodes and crumbles to the ground, as the Man tries to casually sprint away from the scene without making eye contact across the street behind him ]

[ smoke and an eerie silence fills the air ]

[ cut to SUPER:
“A FILM BY
ANDY AARON

CONCEIVED BY
ANDY AARON
TOM DAVIS” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Buh-Weet Sings

Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy

[ a montage of “Little Rascals” stills are displayed ]
[ dissolve to grown-up Buckwheat smiling at the camera ]
Buckwheat: Boy, id bin a nong time since dem days. Hi, I’m Buh-weet,amembuh me? And I have compiled for you and your nistening pleasure, dumub my mavorite tongs. Id’s all ite here in dis uhn pectacular opper:”Buh-weet Sings”. Take a wisten:

[ SUPER: “Fee Tines A Mady” ]

[ singing ]

“Munce. Tice. Fee Tines A Mady.”
Announcer: Yes, they’re all here..

[ SUPER: “Wookin’ Pa Nub” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing ]

“Wookin’ Pa Nub in all da wong paces. Wookin ‘ Pa Nub.”

Announcer: Once Buh-weet sings a song, it’s eternally his.

[ SUPER: “?????” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing unintelligably ]

“..Menny Dabid Ibe..”

Yes.. Buh-weet. The man who sold more records that Elvis or the Beatles – in Kenya.

[ SUPER: “Una Panoonah Banka” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing ]

“Una Panoonah Banka-a-a-a-a!!”

And if you order now, you’ll get Buh-weet’s tribute to Alfalfa.

[ SUPER: “Barbah Ob Dabil” ]

Buckwheat: [ singing ]

“I’m da Barbah ob Dabil. Bigaro! Bigaro!” [ smiles ]

Order today. Send $49.95 for the full volume to:
Buh-Weet
Bah Firty Fee
New Nork, New Nork

Buckwheat: Take it fum “Ow Gang”: yo gang will nub it. Buy mywecord! O-tay!

SNL Transcripts