Elliott Gould: Yeah, well… this is a gas, and, uh, I want to thank all of you and especially these people here. And I’m beginning to worry what happens when the Not Ready for Primetime Players are ready — they’ve been ready for a long time. These are the most talented people I’ve met. [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! Yeah!
[ Gould shakes Jhon Belushi’s hand ]
John Belushi: Hey!
Announcer: Next week: A “Saturday Night” encore presentation, with host Miskel Spillman and musical guest Elvis Costello. This is don Pardo! Happy Holidays to ALL of you, from all of me. Good night.
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Announcer: [ over title card ] The 28th Annual U.S.-Taiwan Table Tennis match will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following special event from the White House lawn.
[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter waving on the White House lawn ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is my fourth time on television this week. On Wednesday, I lit the White House Christmas tree… on Thursday, I was with Barbara Walters… last night, I recognized China… now here I am again. I’m beginning to feel like Merv!
But, seriously. Tonight, I want to talk about one of my favorite subjects: Energy. You know, most experts believe that we have enough fuel to last through the Winter, assuming we have an uninterrupted flow of oil from our foreign sources, including Iran. Fat chance! Now, I’m not saying that my good friend The Shah is definitely going to be overthrown… but if he is, I doubt that my good friends the Enemies of the Shah will send us the oil we need. And the oil from our new good friends in China won’t be coming ’til the Spring. Therefore, I’m calling a Yuletide Energy Alert — or Y.E.A. — Yea! And I’m asking that ALL Americans conserve energy this holiday season by turning off your Christmas lights. And to kick it off, my daughter Amy… [ Amy steps forward ] My daughter Amy will officially unlight the White House Christmas tree that we lit on Wednesday. Now, whether you’re a child of 6 or 60, everybody gets a rush out of seeing all the lights go out at the same time! Isn’t that right, Sweetheart?
Amy Carter: That’s right, Daddy!
President Jimmy Carter: And what do we say when the lights go out?
Amy Carter: We say “Yea!”
President Jimmy Carter: That’s right, Amy! Okay, here’s the switch. Let ‘er rip!
[ cut to reverse footage of the lights turning off ]
President Jimmy Carter: Yea!
Amy Carter: Yea! Did I do good, Daddy?
President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm. Wasn’t that pretty?
Amy Carter: Yeah!
President Jimmy Carter: Yea!
Amy Carter: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Interviewer … Bob Elliott Garth … Ray Goulding … Elliott Gould
Elliott Gould: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob and Ray.
[Dissolve to classic radio comedians Bob and Ray whosit together in a sort of festive holiday talk showsetting. The big guy, Ray — in character as ParnellW. Garth — holds a small, sickly, dried-up fir tree.His smaller partner, Bob — father of future SNL castmember Chris Elliott — addresses the camera.]
Interviewer: Every year as the holiday season rollsaround, we have our scouts search the train stations,the bus depots, trying to find people who have, uh,well, hard luck stories to tell, and we try to maketheir Christmas season a little bit happier. We have,uh, an unfortunate gentleman here. [to Garth] Ibelieve our scouts found you over at the PortAuthority bus station, wasn’t that right, sir?
Garth: Yes, it was in the bus terminal there I wassittin’ and, uh, I guess I looked depressed.
Interviewer: Probably did. Tell us your story rightfrom the start, will you, so we’ll–?
Garth: Well, it was back on Labor Day and, uh, a bunchof fellas, my friends and myself, are sitting on theback porch havin’ a couple of drinks.
Interviewer: You’re from out Seattle way, I believe.
Garth: Tacoma.
Interviewer: Tacoma.
Garth: And, uh, we get thinking — it was Labor Day –about Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I said…
Interviewer: Sure.
Garth: … you know, that big tree they have there inNew York every year, they never bring it from theGreat Northwest. Now, we’re proud of our fir trees outthere and seems like they always get a tree fromPennsylvania…
Interviewer: Up in New England someplace.
Garth: Massachusetts, somewhere like that. So I’measily led. And we had a few drinks.
Interviewer: Sure.
Garth: So the, uh, the fellas said, well, uh, whydon’t you cut down a tree and take it to New York, uh,Parnell?
Interviewer: Sell it to Radio City, huh?
Garth: Yeah.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: So, it sounded, at the time, like a good idea,I would say.
Interviewer: Right, right.
Garth: So I go out and I get a saw and I go out andcut one down in my back yard. So I didn’t have themoney to fly, so I got a bus ticket and, uh–
Interviewer: You were going to bring this tree…
Garth: Right.
Interviewer: … all the way by bus to, uh…
Garth: Right.
Interviewer: … sell–
Garth: I brought it all the way from Tacoma,Washington.
Interviewer: I understand. Now, what did you do, tieit up and lash it to the top of the bus or what?
Garth: No, they wouldn’t let me do that. The drivermade me hold it on my lap clear across the country.So, uh…
Interviewer: Kind of uncomfortable.
Garth: It was uncomfortable. Made the trip alittle longer. Well, I made a lot of side trips, youknow? I didn’t see the country, so I saw YellowstonePark and Dodge City and those places.
Interviewer: You had to carry this with you, all over?
Garth: Sure. I wouldn’t let it out of my sight. I wasgonna sell it for a fortune, I thought, here in NewYork.
Interviewer: Okay.
Garth: And, you know, there’s a right way and a wrongway to go through a bus door with this thing.
Interviewer: Well, sure. You put it through that endfirst, right?
Garth: This is the wrong way. [demonstrates]
Interviewer: That’s wrong.
Garth: That’s the way I – That’s the way I did it.
Interviewer: It looks as if it has been through, uh,quite a great deal. What happened when you got to NewYork?
Garth: Well, when I got to New York, there at the busterminal was a fella dozing.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: He was a very distinguished looking gentleman,uh, and I said, uh, who do I go to, uh, here in NewYork to sell this tree?
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: He says you go up to Rockefeller Center.
Interviewer: Right.
Garth: So I walked up there–
Interviewer: Did you notice they’d already bought one?It was already up.
Garth: I hadn’t noticed.
Interviewer: Ah.
Garth: So, uh, I get up there and I go in and–
Interviewer: Who did you see first?
Garth: Starter at the elevator.
Interviewer: Ah.
Garth: He gave me a fishy look like I was some kind ofa nut, you know.
Interviewer: Oh, I’m sure.
Garth: I’m no fool.
Interviewer: No.
Garth: And, uh, so I said, “Who do I sell this tree tofor the Christmas season here?” And he said, “Well,gee, I don’t know. He said, I think the man you wantto see is John Chancellor.”
Interviewer: Might be, I suppose. Did you get to see him?
Garth: He wouldn’t let me up the elevator.
Interviewer: Oh, he wouldn’t?
Garth: No. So I stayed down there and, uh–
Interviewer: Did you notice him when he came out?
Garth: No, I was gonna say. What does John Chancellorlook like, you know?
Interviewer: Well, I can’t describe it right now.
Garth: Well, he must’ve slipped by me ’cause I didn’tknow him. So here I am — I’m out, well, I figure thebus fare was sixty dollars.
Interviewer: Yeah.
Garth: This tree is, you know, worth–
Interviewer: It’s not much now. It’s a fire hazard right now.
Garth: Aw, gee, a match, that thing’d go up like this.
Interviewer: Right. Your story has touched all of us,as I said, and we want to make your Christmas a littlebit happier, if we can Mister– What was the name again?
Garth: Parnell W. Garth.
Interviewer: Parnell Garth. Of Tacoma, Washington.
Garth: Yes.
Interviewer: I remembered that. We would like to make…
Garth: Wait!
Interviewer: … your Christmas happier.
Garth: Listen, I don’t want any tears or anything. Ididn’t put all my eggs in one basket.
Interviewer: Ah! You’ve got an ace in the hole?
Garth: You bet. Do you have a few moments?
Interviewer: Yes.
Garth: Like to show you how I’m gonna bail out. No, if this was…
Interviewer: All right.
Garth: … my thing, I’d lose everything.
Interviewer: Oh, you may have a happy Christmas after all, huh?
Garth: I’ll be right back. [rises, exits]
Interviewer: [to the camera] Well, what looked like,uh, it was going to be a completely sad story may turnout a little bit better after all. [loud crash ofshattered glass from off screen] Mr. Garth?
Garth: [returns with a box full of broken coloredglass] This … this is my ace in the hole here.
Interviewer: Sit down. [Garth sits] What do you mean? What–?
Garth: Well, I mean… See, I’m a glass blower by trade.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: And these are all, uh, handmade…
Interviewer: You made …
Garth: … Christmas decorations that I – I sell toTiffany’s and Saks Fifth Avenue.
Interviewer: Oh, expensive ones, huh?
Garth: Twelve hundred dollars a piece.
Interviewer: You must have fifteen, twenty thousanddollars worth of ornaments in there.
Garth: This is my year’s output. This is all hand-painted.
Interviewer: Well, I’m afraid we–
Garth: This is twenty-four carat gold.
Interviewer: I understand. I’m afraid we do have arather sad story here after all, Mr., uh, Garth. Butwe want to make your Christmas a little bit happierand go back to Seattle with this carpenter’s extensionrule. [pulls a carpenter’s extension rule out of hisjacket pocket and hands it to Garth] I think you’llfind a great deal of use for it. Thank you very muchfor being with us. Happy Christmas.
[Applause. Pull back. Garth, upset, throws thecarpenter’s extension rule down in disgust. Fade.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 16th, 1978 Elliott Gould Peter Tosh Bob & Ray Dave Wilson Mick Jagger Paul Shaffer Yvonne Hudson Brian Doyle-Murray Jim Downey Tom Schiller Andy Murphy Al Franken White House Lawn Special EventSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) and his daughter Amy (Laraine Newman) ceremoniously unlight the White House Christmas tree in order to conserve energy. Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter. Transcript
Montage
Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliott Gould tap dances and sings “Christmastime in Harlem”.
Rovco All-Flammable Christmas Tree
The WidettesSummary: The big-butt Widette Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner) celebrate Christmas with Uncle Jerry (Elliott Gould). Recurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette. Transcript
Peter Tosh & Mick Jagger perform “Don’t Look Back”
Mommie DearestRecurring Characters: Joan Crawford, Colleen Fernman, Katharine Hepburn, Clark Gable, Cary Grant.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
St. Mickey’s Knights of ColumbusRecurring Characters: Frank Leary, Jack Neehauser, Francis Jacko Leary, Jr., Sister Serena.
Peter Tosh performs “Bush Doctor”
Christmas Tree SalesmanSummary: While the Christmas tree salesman (Elliott Gould) is lured across across the street by a prostitute (Laraine Newman), homeless Honker (Bill Murray) manages to make a sale for a mother (Gilda Radner) and her little girl (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Honker. Transcript
Host … Eric Idle
Lord Elpus … Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit … Gilda Radner
[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has abull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous gameshow music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveala game show set with a host and two cheerfulcontestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaidsuit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spielpunctuated by appropriate sound effects.]
Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, andwelcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?”– a new game show loosely based on all the old gameshows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shallask a team of two personalities — Lord Elpus…
Lord Elpus: Hello.
Host: … and the Deaconess of Detroit…
Deaconess: Hello.
Host: … a series of questions in either[bell] category, [buzzer] category, or specialcategory [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wronganswer, they get a [raspberry] from the studioaudience.
At the end of the contest, they will hear this –[prizefight bell] — and they must stop immediately. At any point in the proceedings they may be given a[deep buzzer] which means they can ask for anotherquestion. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s thefire alarm.
When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells]question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot]question, they must press their special buttons. Lord Elpus, will you press yours?
[Lord Elpus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune#1]
And, Deaconess, yours.
[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear GoofyTune #2]
If they get it right, they get fifteen points on thescoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard foreach correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.
[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through theair and making a springboard sound, the host watchesan actual arrow fired into the bull’s-eye of thegame’s sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow stickingout of the sign.]
Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start theclock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so.[stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for thefirst of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the[Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the GoldenWord “Birmingham” from his four letters.
And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means thathe’s this week’s winner.
Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’llbe back again same time next week. Till then, good-byefrom Lord Elpus.
Lord Elpus: Goodbye!
Host: And from the Deaconess ofDetroit.
Deaconess: Goodbye!
Host: And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plusGoofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shotin the belly with an arrow and falls backward in hischair, dead].
[Zoom in on the show’s sign, then dissolve to a widershot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: did you know …. The Computer InventedItself]
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray Valerie Harper … Gilda Radner Chico Escuela … Garrett Morris Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
[TEASER:]
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of bikini babes washing an automobile]Auto-eroticism for horny cars … This story and moreon Weekend Update next.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Brought to you byReincarnation — The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows!… Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudlypointed out that, over the years, the Reverend JimJones had supported a number of political figures fromthe Democratic party but never any from theRepublican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into thepast histories of some recent mass murderers and foundsome surprising information. Richard Speck, who killedeight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman inChicago … and was once vice-president of Wisconsin’sRepublican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the Californiamachete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater… and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was,and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? …
Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have beenshaken in recent weeks and, as a result of theincreasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer TonyBennett today had his heart picked up and moved to asafer place. …
Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs,dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and oneof them, I’m sorry to say, is “Rhoda.” Which brings usto this week’s Celebrity Corner because my guesttonight is the star of “Rhoda,” Valerie Harper. [Billturns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressedas her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on theChroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Welcome to CelebrityCorner.
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Kitten, let’s get to the uglystuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel aboutit, Val?
Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I’mfine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old”Mary Tyler Moore Show,” they gave me my own showwhich ran for five and a half years, and now I’m off.That’s life.
Bill Murray: That’s all well and good, honey,but how do you really feel about it?
Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don’t wanna tawkabout it.
Bill Murray: Valerie!
Valerie Harper: I really don’t wanna tawk aboutit.
Bill Murray: Valerie-a!
Valerie Harper: I’m ticked off!
Bill Murray: You’re ticked off. Okay, nowthat’s the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much.Now, why do you think you were canceled?
Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me,Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. …CBS hates Jews. That’s why I was canceled.
Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are sowrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to knowthat Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And,furthermore, you’re not Jewish.
Valerie Harper: [long pause] … I’m not?!…
Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, butValerie Harper is not. …
Valerie Harper: I’m dyin’ … Are you sure I’mnot Jewish? …
Bill Murray: [sighs] I’m sure I’m sure.
Valerie Harper: I’m a shiksa? … A bland,humorless, “makes a lousy mother because she caresmore about whiskey and spam than she does her ownchildren” shiksa? …
Bill Murray: Well, yes, I’m afraid so.
Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this?…
Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks forbeing with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harperdisappears as Bill turns back to the camera] ValerieHarper, a very confused star of “Rhoda.” [applause]Jane?
Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Officehas issued a special Christmas season reminder formembers of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, getyour snakes in the mail early. …
Well, it looks like we’re going to set the clocks backagain tonight for something the people in Washingtonare calling “Christmas Savings Time.” Tonight atmidnight, we all set back the clock seven hours,making it five o’clock, then those stores that stayopen till nine will re-open, making Christmas shoppinga snap. …
Now, we’d like to welcome a new member to our Updateteam, the former All-Star second baseman for the NewYork Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chicoclears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela inbaseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will becovering the sports scene for Weekend Update.[applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sitsopposite Jane – he has a thick Dominican accent andspeaks very little English]
Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry,berry much. … Base-ball … been berry, berry goodto me. … Thank you, Hane. … [Photo of major leagueballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose … Base-ball beenberry, berry good to Pete Rose. … Three – point -two – million – dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle,you bet. … Thank you very, very much. [NationalFootball League schedule is shown] In – foot-ball …I don’t know – football. … In Dominican Republic,foot-ball is — how you say, Hane? Um – Oh! — soccer!Your football– [pause] I don’t know. … [Hockeygraphic] In National Hockey League … [shakes hishead] I don’t know hockey … [applause, photo ofsmiling Chico again] In base-ball– Base-ball beenberry, berry good to me! … Thank you very much.Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thankyou, Hane.
Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Greatjob, Chico. I’m glad that we haven’t hired justanother stupid ex-jock sportscaster. …
Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of theNobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he’ll give theprize money — his share of the one hundred thirtythousand dollars — to the state of Israel. AnwarSadat says he’ll use the money to build a monument topeace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will becalled “The $65,000 Pyramid.” … Bill?
Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C.Westmoreland stated this week that the advances madein medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have savedmore lives than those lost in that conflict.Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that theUnited States immediately begin World War III in thehope of wiping out all disease. … Jane?
Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congressextended the period for ratification of the EqualRights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additionalstate legislature has ratified this most basicaffirmation of human rights. It is time we women tookaction. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I amtherefore calling on the women of America to place amoratorium on the act of performing oral sex on anymale … until the ERA is the law. … Now, this mayseem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel itis the only alternative that we have. … I don’tknow–
Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous]Wait – just a minute, here. … [applause] Jane, I amfor ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don’t seewhy I should suffer … as a result– becausesome state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it!I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. Imean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?
Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this methodwill make men like you put a little pressure on thesestate legislators.
Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, somepeople react negatively to too much pressure. Thiscould hurt ERA. … We’d hate to hurt ERA now.
Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I thinkyou’re just reacting out of self-interest. …
Bill Murray: [taking a different approach]Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is asword that cuts both ways. No oral sex — you knowwhat I’m saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] … I’mtalking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sexon girls.
Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybeyou’re right, Bill, uh– … Forget what I said….
Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That’s better,Jane. … [extended applause as Bill winks at Janeand, very pleased with himself, the audience, too – hethrows himself into the next news item with greatgusto, to the amusement of the crowd]
Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtownAlbany yesterday … and demanded to be taken to thecity zoo, fed, washed, and presented with littlewoolen jackets like dogs wear. … Fortunately, manyof the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheesefair and were able to placate the rats with horsd’oeuvres and light conversation. …
Well, it’s been almost a year that Mayor Koch has hada chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York.The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-SecondStreet. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn’tgotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decidedto investigate the scene firsthand and, in order tomaintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend,the gossip columnist for L’Osservatore Romano, FatherGuido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thankyou. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-SecondStreet area has definitely gotten worse. I was therefor the first time ’bout five years ago and I wentback again and it’s worse than it was before, that’s-afor sure. I went to this one place, new place downthere. It’s-a called “Nude Wrestling.” … I thought,you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front fora massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a saysit is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl inthere, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, youknow, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is,it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for onehalf hour, thirty minutes.
Well, personally, y’know, I never like to fight much.Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-athe seminary. This is true — Father Chingotti is hisname — I name him by name. … He pulled my T-shirtdown and everything, you know what I mean? Who needsit? … But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, Ihaven’t got any exercise all the time I’m livin’ inNew York, you know? So I says, you know–
She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind thecurtain — they have like four little rooms — says,you take off your clothes and come out fightin’ whenyou hear the bell ring. … Well, I go in there. I’mwaitin’, you know, it’s-a five minutes. Ten minutes.Fifteen minutes, you know, I’m cold. … I – Ithought, you know, maybe she was like doin’ somecalisthenics, y’know, gettin’ loosened up, somethin’like that. … That wasn’t the case. You know whatthey do there at that nude wrestling place? They makeyou wait till another customer comes in … That guy,you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when–… when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean?Should-a seen the look on his face, I’m tellin’ you…. Anyway– I won two out of three, though. … Hey,I mean, twenty dollars investment — you just can’twaste it, right? …
I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirsin the Forty-Second Street district. I bought thisthing here. [holds up what looks like a large,plastic, red apple] It’s like a lighter, “Big Apple”they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stemout of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarettelighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Costtwelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Wastwelve twenty-five in another store. And inanother store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So,Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things.Maybe it’s not good for other things. And my advice isthat you have to use your own judgment. … Itwas more than wonderful talkin’-a to you. Arrivederci,America! Gracias. [applause]
[Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci andwinks to Jane.]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.
Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D. This is “Telepsychic”. My name is Ray, and I’ll be taking your calls today.Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Our lines are open, ask me about anything today – about life, jobs, money, love.. anything at all, I’ll predict for you. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #1: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.. I lost my job, and I need some money. Uh.. am I gonna get some money soon, and get a job?
Telepsychic Ray: Okay, uh.. yes.. in a week.. somebody will give you some money.. and you’ll get a new job in.. oh.. about a month. Okay?
Caller #1: Okay, thank you, Ray!
Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #2: Uh, yeah.. my girlfriend won’t go out with me any more.. but, uh.. I don’t care, because we’ve been going out for a long time, anyway.. and I’d like to find somebody new, anyway.. but, uh.. do you think she might come back to me, anyway?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. no. Uh.. yes.. yes. I predict you’ll go out with someone new for awhile.
Caller #2: Oh, for how long you think?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. oh, about a month.. or so.. and then your old girlfriend will come back to you, and you’ll be together again.. for about a month, okay?
Caller #2: Uh.. okay. Thank you very much.
Telepsychic Ray: Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #3: Am I on?
Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, you’re on the air. Go ahead.
Caller #3: My seester wants to take some butter..
Telepsychic Ray: [ hangs up quickly ] Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #4: Hi I have a sick friend, and I want to know if she’ll get better, and when.
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay.. uh.. yes. She’s gonna get better.. and I feel that she should get better.. in.. oh.. about a couple of months.. okay?
Caller #4: Yeah? Well, I don’t got no sick friend, I just made that up! I said, I don’t got no sick friend! What do you think of that?
Telepsychic Ray: I think you’re sick.
Caller #4: What?!
Telepsychic Ray: ..I predict you’re the one who’s gonna get sick!
Caller #4: I’m gonna get sick?!
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. yes.. I feel you have a lump.. a clot in your back, and it’s moving, growing, and moving, moving up into your neck.
Caller #4: Well, will it go away? Am I gonna get better?
Telepsychic Ray: No. no. Definitely not.
Caller #4: No, come on!
Telepsychic Ray: No, no.. it’s gonna move into your neck and choke you, okay?
Caller #4: Okay.
Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #5: Hello. Listen, my favorite show is “Saturday Night”, and I was wondering if you could tell me how they’re gonna start the show this week?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Phil Malone … John Belushi Justin … Eric Idle Backup Singer #1 … Laraine Newman Backup Singer #2 … Jane Curtin Jerry Eldini … Bill Murray Candy Slice … Gilda Radner
[Recording studio. Out on the floor, punk singer CandySlice’s manager Justin, an Englishman in suit and tie,chats with the musicians in the studio band. ProducerPhil Malone enters from the control room to confronthim.]
Phil Malone: Now, look. Where is she? It’s beensix and a half hours. We’ve been waiting for six and ahalf hours. Who the hell does she think sheis?
Justin: Look, she’s an artist. She’s a genius.She’s a rock messiah. She’s the future! She’llbe here. Relax.
Phil Malone: Look, I’ve worked with a lot of”rock messiahs” before. They never kept me waiting.Not me — not Phil Malone! Naw, I worked with – Iworked with Hendrix! Hendrix never kept mewaiting. Jim Morrison never kept me waiting.
Backup Singer #1: What about Jim Croce?
Phil Malone: Once. But it wasn’t hisfault.
Backup Singer #1: I think it’s an honor to bekept waiting by Candy Slice. I mean, she’s a poet.What’s the matter with all of you?
[Oily music company rep and drug supplier JerryEldini, wearing a garish yellow POLYSUTRA jacket,enters and starts schmoozing with everyone.]
Jerry Eldini: Ohhh! Hi, Phil. Good! The band’shere. Hi, Justin, decent jacket. How are you?You must be the back-up singers. Jerry Eldini,Polysutra A & R, how ya doin’, kids? Phil! [kisses theproducer on the head] Beautiful to work with you, man.How are you?
Phil Malone: Eldini, we’ve been waiting six anda half hours. You’re supposed to keep an eye on her.Where is she? Who the hell does she think she isanyway?
Jerry Eldini: I am sorry. Five more minutes,Phil, please?
Phil Malone: No!
Jerry Eldini: Can we talk for a second?
[Eldini turns his back on the others (and the camera)to hide the fact that Phil is being invited to leanover and take a fast snort of Eldini’s cocaine – Philleans in, his head briefly hidden from view, thenquickly straightens up, wiping his nose.]
Phil Malone: Okay, five minutes.
Justin: Jerry, uh, could we talk for asecond?
Jerry Eldini: Certainly.
Justin: Thank you.
[Justin, too, leans in for a quick toot of the devil’sdandruff, then straightens and confers with producerPhil.]
Justin: Uh, anyway, Phil. I think you’re -you’re really gonna get off on her raw energy, man,you know?
Phil Malone: Okay. Where is she?
Justin: Well, ah, let me check thehall.
[Justin goes to the hall door and opens it. Slumped inthe doorway is a barely conscious, completely wastedCandy Slice, wearing a sleeveless pink top. She fallsforward and Jerry catches her before she lands facefirst on the floor.]
Justin: Candy!
[Justin hauls her into the room and offers her limphand to the producer.]
Justin: Candy, where have you been? We’ve beenwaiting for ya. Phil Malone, Candy Slice.
Phil Malone: Hi.
Justin: Say hello.
Phil Malone: [shakes hands, inspects her armfor needle marks] What’s she taking?
Justin: She’s clean, man. She just spent sixmonths in the Bahamas, detox-ing.
Jerry Eldini: Candy, how’d you slip away, youbright little, elusive butterfly of love?
[Candy, zombie-like and propped up by Justin, fails torecognize Eldini.]
Jerry Eldini: Come on, Jerry Eldini, A & R,Polysutra Records? Last night? Polysutra’s PowerfulPunk Promotion Party? Huh?
[Candy responds with a belch.]
Jerry Eldini: Party-party!Party-party-party-party! Huh? Remember? Tavern on theGreen? Tootski? Tootski, remember?
Phil Malone: Hey, you sure she’s allright?
Justin: Yeaaaaaaah, she’s fine. She’s a pro.She’ll get it in one take. Relax.
[Justin drags Candy to the microphone and tries toprop her up in front of it as Phil angrily confrontsEldini.]
Phil Malone: Eldini, I hold you personallyresponsible. You were in charge of her. It’s obviousshe’s been partying all night long. Who knows whatshe’s taken and– Oh, God! [hand to head, indespair]
Jerry Eldini: [tries to be reasonable] Phil.Phil. Let me give you a little bit of input,okay?
Phil Malone: What?
[Eldini turns his back – offers more coke.]
Jerry Eldini: Go.
[Phil leans in, takes a toot, snaps back to attentionand hurries into the control room. Justin joinsEldini.]
Justin: Jerry? Could I have a little bit ofinput … ?
Jerry Eldini: Sure.
Justin: … Uh, about the album cover.
[But Justin instead wants a little input from Eldini’sstash. He puts an arm around Eldini’s shoulder andleans in for a snort. Meanwhile, Candy, left alone atthe microphone, slowly collapses to the floor, takingthe mike down with her.]
Jerry Eldini: [reassuring Justin] The album isa monster. It’s guaranteed platinum. It’smonster-monster. I mean it. No problem.
Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, we’reready to go, uh–
Justin: Yeah, she’s ready! [hauls Candy off thefloor]
Phil Malone: Where is she?
Justin: She’s ready. She’s ready. She’s here.
Candy Slice: [nearly incomprehensible] Wait aminute. Wait a minute. [Candy approaches the twonearby backup singers, one of whom has been mindlesslyusing a hair brush on her shiny locks] Hey! Can I haveyour brush?
Backup Singer #2: Sure.
[Backup singer hands over the brush. The singers watchas Candy uses it to brush her hair and then one of herhairy armpits.]
Backup Singer #1: Listen, uh, Candy. I’m sureyou hear this all the time, you know, uh, but – you’remy idol. I mean, when I heard your album “Making thePig Sick,” I stopped brushing my hair. You’reincredible, really.
Candy Slice: [points to the singer’s nose] Yergetting a zit! [offers the brush back] Here.
Backup Singer #2: Uh, no, you can keepit.
[Candy staggers back to Justin at themicrophone.]
Justin: Candy, you ready?
Candy Slice: Smoke! Smoke!
Justin: Oh. Give it up.
Phil Malone: Okay, are we all together now?Come on, let’s do a rundown.
Justin: [to Candy, as he backs away, taking thehair brush with him] Okay?
Phil Malone: Okay. “If You Look Close.” Takeone. Come on.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] Okay. One,two, three, let’s go!
[The band crashes in with a thrashing punk rhythm butCandy just stands there, wobbling at the mike, andmisses her cue. Justin waves off the band who stopplaying and confers with Candy.]
Justin: All right, all right, all right. Whatis it, love? What do you want?
Candy Slice: Booze!
[Justin brings her a bottle a booze and chats with heras she drinks. Most of the liquor does not stay in hermouth but spills on the floor.]
Justin: Hey, you know, uh, Mick, Keith andWoody were thinking of dropping by later–
Phil Malone: [emerges from control room, upset,to Candy] Look! I got an album to do here! Do youunderstand? [calms down, tries down to reason withher] Now, Candy, Candy–
[Candy spits a mouthful of liquor in Phil’sface.]
Candy Slice: Sorry.
[Phil relieves Candy of the bottle. She sloppily andrepeatedly kisses Phil on the face.]
Phil Malone: Candy? Candy? Is – is thereanything that you need, Candy? I mean, are you happy,Candy? I mean, I want you to be happy, you know? Weall want you to be happy. Right? Doesn’t everybodywant her to be happy?
Various: Yeah! We want her to be happy. We alldo.
Phil Malone: So, are you ready to singnow, Candy?
Candy Slice: Gum!
Phil Malone: Gum! She wants a stick of gum!Okay.
[Fed up, Justin removes a wad of gum from his ownmouth and sticks it in Candy’s.]
Phil Malone: Good. Okay. Good. All right.Ready, everybody?
Justin: Yeah, yeah.
Phil Malone: [rushes into control room] Okay,all right. All right. [over intercom] “If You LookClose.” Take two.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!
[Band plays. Candy staggers away from the mike andcollapses against Justin, whispering in his ear. Bandstops playing.]
Justin: [placating Candy] I’ll take care of it.I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’lltake care of it.
Phil Malone: [emerges from control room] Nowwhat?
Justin: [points to the hair-brushing backupsinger] She wants her to cut her hair.
Phil Malone: What?
Justin: It’s shiny. It distracts her.
Phil Malone: Fine. Fine. All right, okay.[grabs scissors] Hair cut! The hair gets cut! Okay?There we go! Cut the hair. [lops off some hair, handsit to the backup singer] Here. That’s for you, honey.All right, wow. [exits into control room]
Backup Singer #1: [stares at Singer #2’s newhaircut] I liked it a lot better before.
Backup Singer #2: [to Singer #1] Does it reallylook bad?
Backup Singer #1: [to Singer #2] It’s not goodbut I guess it’ll grow out in ’bout a year ortwo.
Jerry Eldini: [sympathetic, to Singer #2]Relax. I know a dynamite hair cutter. How ’bout alittle tootski?
Backup Singer #2: [delighted] Tootski!
Jerry Eldini: [back to camera] All right. Go![Singer #2 leans in for a toot] Okay. Go! [Singer #1leans in for a toot]
[Justin lifts Candy in the air and carries her back tothe microphone, puts her hands on the mike stand,steadies her, then retreats to the controlroom.]
Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, let’stry it again. “If You Look Close.” Take three. Let’sgo.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!
[Band plays. Candy abruptly hits her cue and singswith energy and passion.]
Candy Slice: [sings] I’m sexless – I sing loud Know that always gets a crowd I talk dirty – and I’m proud No dry cleanin’ is allowed I am funky – I don’t bathe I am rock and roll’s new slave I am punky – to the grave I can’t sing but I can raaaaaaaaave
Watch my blouse!
I got the rhythm High heeled feet Pants to go with ’em
Candy and Backup Singers: I am hot Don’t need no bra Got what it takes To make a starrrr!
[Candy dances jerkily and robotically as the bandgrooves behind her.]
Keyboardist: One, two, three, four!
[The music cools down for a moment and Candy staggersback to the mike.]
Candy Slice: [sings] If you look close You can see my tips ‘Cause I want ya to But don’t want ya to know that I do!
[Candy hops around the studio frantically.]
Backup Singers: [sing] If you look close – you can see my tits, ‘Cause i want you to, but don’t want you to know I do If you look close – you can see my tits, ‘Cause I want you to, but don’t want you to know thatI dooooooo
Candy Slice: [sings] I am bitter – I don’t care I have never washed my hair I’m immoral – and a pig [snort]
Candy and Backup Singers: And I’m makin’ it real biiiig!
Candy Slice: [sings] Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I– ? Do you know what I– ? Do you know– ? Do you know– ? Do you know– ? Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya- Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody -Doody Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do Uhhhhh….!
[Candy collapses to the floor as the band finishes upand the crowd cheers and applauds. Phil, Justin andEldini emerge from the control room happily andcongratulate the band and backup singers over Candy’sunconscious, prostrate body as we hear a playback ofCandy’s song.]
Jerry Eldini: [holds up some coke] Tootski! Whowants one?
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set, the cameras andthe Studio 8H audience – then pull back. Before fadingout, we see a SUPER: coming up next… Charlie’s AngelDust]
Eric Idle: Um… good evening. It’s nice to be back. [ he folds his arms, looks around nervously and starts whistling to himself ] Sorry about this! [ he smiles sheelpishly ] It won’t be a minute now, you know, it’s just, uh… [ he laughs ] just waiting for the opening monologue! They do a lot of things at the last minute on this show, you know, and, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] sometimes a little bit ,i.later than the last minute. and, uh, the thing is, the writers are just, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] just working on this monologue that they’re gonna give me to do, to open the show with. [ he laughs ] It’s very important, you know, when you’re doing a live show to, uh, to have something really funny to come on with, and get the whole show off to a good start! Otherwise, you know, it can go right into the dumper, you know, right from the start. [ he looks around ] You know how it can go right to the dumper at the start. [ he sighs deeply ] Actually, the writers are working on it at the moment, uh, just right now. [ he step closer to the audience ] I think the thing is, they take too many drugs. [ he steps back ] Shhh. Don’t — don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. [ he looks around nervously and sighs heavily ] Well, look, uh — I think I’d better go and find out… [he laughs ] what’s going on, because, uh, I don’t — you know, I would really like to get the show really going! You know, lots of big laughs — they said it’s a very funny monologue, and, uh, uh… I’ll just go and find out where it is.
[ Idle steps over to bandleader Howard Shore ]
Eric Idle: Howard? Do you think you could just play a bit of, you know, music, uh, ehilst I just go and find Lorne? Okay?
Howard Shore: He’s, uh — [ he points off-camera ]
Eric Idle: Yeah. Could you play something — Why don’t you play something like, uh — play — play “My Love”. Yeah. “My love does it good.” Okay? Just bust it, you know? [ to the audience ] Howard Shore plays “My Love”! Okay? Hang in!
[ Howard Shore and the band begin to play, as Idle runs offstage and into the audience past the “What Do You?” set ]
Eric Idle: [ to an audience member ] Have you seen Lorne? No.
[ Idle continues through the audience, past a cameraman ]
Eric Idle: Excuse me. Uh, do you know where Lorne is?
Cameraman: [ pointing ] He’s in the Control Room.
Eric Idle: He’s in the Control Room. Right.
[ Idle continues through the studio toward the Control Room, passing a Page ]
Eric Idle: Hi!
[ Idle enters the Control Room, where director Dave Wilson is telling a joke to the crew ]
Dave Wilson: …So he says, “I already had my breakfast!”
[ the Control Room laughs ]
Eric Idle: Uh — sorry, Davey. Do you know where Lorne is?
Dave Wilson: Oh, he’s in the back. Supposed to do an interview.
Eric Idle: Oh. Oh, I’ve gotta go see him.
Dave Wilson: Oh! Oh, Eric! I have a note for you. [ he opens up the script ] Um — you know that scene where you play the professor?
Eric Idle: Yeah.
Dave Wilson: Do you think you could be funnier?
Eric Idle: Yeah. I-I-I’ll be funny…
Dave Wilson: Funni-er.
Eric Idle: Funnier. Okay, I’ll be funnier.
Dave Wilson: Just a little.
Eric Idle: Okay. alright, Davey.
[ Idle exits through the Control Room to where Lorne Michael is conducting an interview ]
Lorne Michaels: I think of all the things, I guess the most important thing really is, is, uh, timing.
Eric Idle: Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Uh — not now, Eric. [ to the interviewer ] Oh! Timing.
Eric Idle: I’m sorry, I have to interrupt because, uh… do you know where the writers are?
Lorne Michaels: Uhh — they’re probably in the writer’s lounge. It’s just down the hall to the left.
Eric Idle: Yeah. The thing is, I never got the opening monologue.
Lorne Michaels: Oh. [ he checks his watch ] Well, uh — I’m just in the middle of this. I — I — uh — Well, it’s just to the left. They’re down in the lounge.
Eric Idle: Okay.
Lorne Michaels: If you’d just mentioned it to me earlier…
Eric Idle: I’m sorry, It just occurred to me.
[ Idle exits ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to the interviewer ] That was Eric Idle. He’s our host.
[ cut to Idle entering the hall, where a woman rides a pony ]
Eric Idle: Hi! I thought this sketch was cut?
Woman: Really?
Eric Idle: Yeah. Yeah, this is out.
[ Garrett Morris approaches ]
Garrett Morris: Hey, man, what’s happening?
Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?
Garrett Morris: Um…
[ Idle continues down the hall and enters John Belushi’s dressing room, where Belushi is talking on the phone as he’s given a back massage ]
John Belushi: I’m telling you, the record’s gonna be —
Eric Idle: Hi, John?
John Belushi: Eric! how are you doing?!
Eric Idle: I’m doing fine, thanks.
John Belushi: [ into the phone ] Okay, I’ll talk to you later. [ he hangs up ] How are you doing, Eric?
[ the Masseuse yanks Belushi’s head up ]
Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?
John Belushi: Are you hosting the show this week?
Eric Idle: Yeah, I’m supposedto be hosting it right now. I’m supposedto be doing the monologue.
John Belushi: Oh.
Eric Idle: I’m a bit late.
John Belushi: Oh, the writers? They don’t talk to me.
Eric Idle: No?
John Belushi: They don’t write me into anything! They’re JEALOUS! JEALOUS! They’re next door…
Eric Idle: Next door. Right.
[ Belushi’s name is called on an intercom, as Idle exits down the hall and opens the door to the writer’s lounge to reveal everyone smoking joints to the beat of Indian sitar music ]
Eric Idle: Hello? [ he checks one writer’s pulse ] Does anybody have the opening monologue?
[ Idle exits the room and rushes through the hals ]
Intercom: Please be advised that Fred Silverman’s Disco Barbecue, at the home of Fred Silverman, has been cancelled.
[ Idle rounds a corner and runs into Gilda Radner chatting with an actor dressed as Abraham Lincoln ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, hi, Eric!
Eric Idle: Hi, Gilda.
Gilda Radner: Look — I heard the monologue went GREAT!
Eric Idle: Uh… I haven’t done it yet. I mean, I never got the script.
Gilda Radner: You didn’t?
Eric Idle: No!
Gilda Radner: Well, why don’t you go out there and ad-lib it or something? I mean, they must be waiting.
Eric Idle: I don’t do that.
Gilda Radner: Well — come on! You’re a real funny guy! You can ad-lib it! Go on! I mean, why do you think we’ve had you on the show, hosting so many times?
Eric Idle: Because I’m a friend of Lorne’s.
Gilda Radner: [ stunned ] I never thought of that…
Eric Idle: Yeah.
Gilda Radner: Well, hurry up! Go on!
[ Gilda rushes Idle down the hall, where he runs into Bill Murray ]
Bill Murray: Eric? Why aren’t you on stage?
Eric Idle: I’m supposed to be on.
Bill Murray: Well, why aren’t you out there just doing something?
Eric Idle: I don’t have the monologue.
Bill Murray: You nut! [ he smacks Idle’s head ] You’re funny! Now GO OUT THERE and be funny!
[ Bill puts Idle in a headlock and drags him to behind the Cochise at Oxford set ]
Bill Murray: Listen here! You’re a funny man! God gave you an INCREDIBLE gift! You can be funny with ANYTHING you say! This is a New York audience — even if it’s not funny, they know it’s SUPPOSED to be funny, and they’re gonna LAUGH! You can do it! You’re the best, you’re the funniest! Tell a story! Something must have happened in Tunisia, right?
Eric Idle: Yeah… the jar…
Bill Murray: Tell THAT! The jar!
Eric Idle: [ to Joe Dicso ] Can you get the jar for me? The Roman jar out of my dressing room. Can you just bring it?
Joe Dicso: Right.
[ he rushes off ]
Bill Murray: Now, you’re gonna go up there, and you’re gonna be the FUNNIEST man in America! Now, right now! [ he drags Idle up to Home Base ] ERIC IDLE! GIVE IT UP!! GIVE IT UP!!
[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill exits the stage ]
Eric Idle: Thank you. [ he laughs ] This isn’t really a funny story, but it, uh, it’s a true story. Um — uh — hmm! I-I’ve, uh, I’ve just got back from Tunisia, where I spent tow months filming with Monty Python. And, uh, we were filming in Carthage, where there are some ancient 2,000-year old ruins — [ his jar is brought to him ] Thank you. And… just by the side there was a dig, and I went to sort of have a go, and I spent about an hour and I found this. And I dug it out, and I, uh, and I had it looked at, and it’s over 2,000 years old. And it’s a very delicately worked Roman pot, and it’s about 2,300 years old. Isn’t it beautiful?
[ he admires it for a moment longer, then tosses it over his shoulder and lets crash to the floor ]
Eric Idle: Another thing that I liked about Tunisia… uh, was the music. It’s very strange music. Uh — it’s something like this: [ he begins to chant comically ] It’s, uh… [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It’s music from the Stone Deaf Age. And, uh — this is a little story, it’s about two people: He is a jasmine czar, and she isn’t. [ he chants comically some more ] She wears a sheet, and he asks her for her hand in marriage — ’cause that’s the only thing he can see. [ he chants comically some more ] Uh, she says she cannot marry him… as she has boils. [ he chants comically some more ] He stabs himself to death, giving her a little jasmine flower at the last minute. [ he chants comically some more ] She is allergic to jasmine flowers, and dies from the allergy. The story ends unhappily, but, unhappily, not for another twenty minutes. We’ll be right back.
[ he chants comically some more, as the scene fades ]
Professor … Eric Idle Student #1 … Dan Aykroyd Student #2 … Laraine Newman Student #3 … John Belushi Student #4 … Gilda Radner Student #5 … Garrett Morris Cochise … Bill Murray Student #6 … Jane Curtin
[Title graphic: a photo of the Oxford Universitycampus in Great Britain with a text that reads:COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Time now for Cochise at Oxford. This week,Episode One: Tea and Tomahawks. We join Cochise’s newrhetoric professor as he asks the last question on anexam.
[Dissolve to a classroom where a white-hairedprofessor paces back and forth leading his studentsthrough an oral exam. Everyone wears black robes.]
Professor: And one final question. Would you prefer tospend a fortnight in an onion cellar searching for,uh, um, man’s inhumanity to man — or … have all ofThomas Hardy’s furniture start swelling up, say, two,three, four times its normal size? You in the onioncellar or Mr. Hardy’s furniture? No doubt frighteningthe dear old man half out of his wits into thebargain. Couches and tables bulging up this way andthat — and there dear Mr. Hardy staggering back indisbelief searching his poetic soul for someexplanation for this horrid vision. Your insignificantselves in an onion cellar or the incomparable ThomasHardy, perhaps even struck down by a milk lorry in hisattempt to flee the horrors of inflated chairs andottomans, outsized highboys, engorged love seats,goliath Queen Anne tables, bulbous end tables and allthe other villainy that makes this abhorrent visionworthy of rejection. All done? Very well. Put yourpens down. Quick! What weighs more: a pound of fleshnearest the heart or a pound on the head?
Students: A pound on the head!
Professor: Who had hemorrhoids?
Students: Napoleon!
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, how do you get down from anelephant?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Student #2: I know, sir!
Professor: What’s your name?
Student #2: Names aren’t important, sir.
Professor: Quite right! How do you get down from anelephant?
Student #2: Well, you wait until they get into yourpajamas and then you shoot them down.
Professor: Hm hm hm? The hand that rocks the cradle,pulls the pajama cord — is that it?
Student #3: Pulls the trigger more than likely, sir.
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, what have you to say tothat?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Professor: Where the devil is Mayberry-Sims?
Student #4: He was hit, sir!
Professor: Was he shot?
Student #1: In his pajamas.
Professor: What was he doing in his pajamas?
Students: Sleeping!
Professor: Very good. Now, all of you, an exercise. Iwant you all to empty the left-hand side of yourbrains. Empty all the thoughts out of the left-handside and leave the right as it is. [students flop overand moan as if lobotomized] Mm hm. Mm hm. Now, you areexperiencing a form of abject clarity. Now, tell me,which came first — the chicken or the egg? [studentsmoan incomprehensibly] Doesn’t anybody know? Somebodymust know. Who came first — the chicken or the egg?[Cochise, in full Apache regalia, enters dramatically,accompanied by a stereotypical Indian musical theme]Ah! You must be the new fellow. How do you do? [theyshake hands, students moan] All of you! All of you,fill up the left side of your brains again, please![students slowly return to normal] Now, then, this isCochise, a full-blooded Apache Indian.
Students: A woo-woo Indian or a India Indian?
Professor: Uhhhh… [looks at Cochise] A woo-wooIndian, I would say. [to Cochise] Do you have a book?[Cochise solemnly touches a book he carries under hisarm] Good. Go sit down there with the Catholics.
Students: There’s no room!
Professor: Well, make some room. Come on, now.[Cochise takes a seat at the end of the second row andwatches in astonished silence as the Professor and hisstudents run through their nonsensical exchanges] Now,then, class … What’s your favorite law?
Students: The Natural Law!
Professor: Whyyyyy?
Students: Because it’s all-natural!
Professor: Who enforces the Natural Law?
Student #5: The police, usually.
Professor: Name something that isn’t covered under theNatural Law.
Student #6: Artificial flowers and unlicensedphysicians.
Professor: Good! Anyone else?
Student #1: Everything that isn’t … natural.
Professor: Perfect! What isn’t natural?
Student #2: Oh! For an animal to act in a most unusualway.
Professor: Really? Does the Natural Law permit acreature to befoul itself?
Students: Never!
Professor: What about ducks?
Students: Ducks?!
Professor: Consider ducks. If a duck were to wet,would it not soil its own large, webbed feet?
Student #3: Ducks are wet in the water — they’d swimaway from it.
Professor: What about the ones that walk around on theshore? Surely they’re not running into the seawhenever the pressing need to take a leak is withthem!
Student #6: Well, they lift their leg.
Professor: What?! And then they put their foot rightdown in the big orange puddle?
Students: How unnatural!
Student #5: Well, they ARE ducks.
Student #4: Are you suggesting that their feet are toobig?
Student #2: I know! They urinate and run at the sametime!
Student #1: [to the other students] I think Elizabethwas on to something there, uh, with this lifting theleg business. Perhaps they lift their leg and insteadof putting it down again, they – they simply … hopaway.
Professor: Like this, you mean?
[The Professor, standing at the chalkboard at thefront of the room, starts hopping up and down on onefoot. Apparently fed up with this insanity, Cochiserises from his seat, a tomahawk in his hand. He takesaim and throws it at the Professor. Then we pan overto the Professor whose deadpan face is only inchesaway from the tomahawk which is embedded in thechalkboard beside him. The Professor turns to theclass, annoyed.]
Professor: Who threw that? Come on. [Cochise standsstone-faced] Who was it?
[The Professor looks around the room indignantly as wedissolve back to the title graphic: COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Don’t miss Episode Two: Drums Along theThames — next time on Cochise at Oxford.
Air Date:
Summary: The big-butt Widette Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner) celebrate Christmas with Uncle Jerry (Elliott Gould).
Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Summary: While the Christmas tree salesman (Elliott Gould) is lured across across the street by a prostitute (Laraine Newman), homeless Honker (Bill Murray) manages to make a sale for a mother (Gilda Radner) and her little girl (Gilda Radner).
