Julia Child: Welcome. I’m Julia Child. Today, we’re going to make aholiday feast, and we’re going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fatroasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets – and you really shouldsave the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you cansave the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if youhave a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a deliciousliverwurst which you can spread on a cracker – a Ritz cracker, a Saltine..or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you’re celebrating the Jewishholidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend..if someone’s getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cator a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don’t throw itaway! I hope I’ve made my point. Don’t throw the liver away.
Now, where was I? [ looks around the kitchen ] Oh, yes. Anyway, it’s timeto bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can’tdo nothing without a sharp knife! [ holds chicken and cuts ] Now,you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pugnose like so.. [ drops knife ] crap! Oh! Oh, now I’ve done it -I’ve cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I’m glad, in a way, this hashappened.. [ blood squirts onto the chicken ] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [ holds her apron over her hand ] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so.. [ blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen ] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn’t pump all the way up. [ blood continues to squirt ] Well, the apron doesn’t seem to be working, so Irecommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chickenliver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! [ blood squirts over thechicken liver ] Oh, God, it’s throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made,using a chicken bone.. [ wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand ] Finda pressure point between the heart and the wound – in this case, the wrist -and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because youcould lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [ blood keepssquirting ] If you’re too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might callEmergency Help – there’s not much time left.. [ hobbles towards the phone onback wall and picks it up ] Now, every kitchen phone should have theEmergency number written on it somewhere.. [ looks at phone ] Uh-oh! Thisone doesn’t! 9-1-1! [ tries to dial the number, but can’t ] Oh, this phoneis a prop, it doesn’t work! [ drops the phone, becoming woozy ]That’s a shame, because I’m remembering a time when I was a little girl andI.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver.. and my mother gaveme a doll.. [ starts tipping from side to side ] Why are you all spinning..?Uh.. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.. bon appetit.. [ falls headfirstonto the counter, then jumps up one last time ] Save the liver! [ falls backonto the counter and twitches before dying ]
[ open on black-and-white footage throughout London ]
Announcer V/O: In London today, anxious crowds filled the streets, waiting for some word from Buckingham Palace regarding the whereabouts of Prince Charles. The city is alive with the rumor that a royal marriage is in the offing, and that the heir to the throne is currently living with a 13-year old white trash girl in the deep South of the United States. As yet, there has been no comment from the Palace. This is David Fielding with the BBC in London.
[ dissolve to title card: “THE WOMAN HE LOVED” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, traielr park ]
[ dissolve to interior, trailer, as Prince Charles composes a letter ]
Prince Charles: “Dear Mum, Regards Your Majesty: I regret that I shall be unable to attend the opening of Parliament this year, as I am unfortunately detained…” [ he turns to look at the white trash seated across the trailer ] “…on business. Yours Faithfully, Charles, Prince of Wales.”
Vonda Walker: Charles? How come you never take me anywhere?
Prince Charles: Now, you know that’s not true, Vonda. Last week, I took you to the stockcar races in Greenfield.
Vonda Walker: I don’t mean ,i>that. I want to go with you when you launch a battleship over in Europe!
Prince Charles: Oh, you’d just be BORED silly, Vonda! Besides, we’ve gone over this: I am the heir to the throne of England, and you are a thirteen-year old American commoner with a fourth grade education.
Vonda Walker: You think I’m STUPID, don’t you?!
Prince Charles: [ on bended knee ] Now, you know I don’t think that for a moment, my treasure.
Vonda Walker: Well… your mother doesn’t like me. I know that.
Prince Charles: [ taken aback ] Well… no, she doesn’t. But she’ll come ’round. You wait and see!
Vonda Walker: Well, in the meantime, I have to sit home all day, eating Super Pops and watching TV while you’re out on manuevers with the Royal Navy!
Prince Charles: Vonda, have you any idea what it’s like to be Commander-in-Chief of the Welsh guards?
Vonda Walker: [ thinking ] Well… no.
Prince Charles: Well, it’s a difficult and a touchy job, I’ll have you know.
[ a series of sharp knocks sound at the door ]
Vonda Walker: [ calling out ] It’s open!
[ a Police Officer enters the trailer ]
Police Officer: Hi! Yeah, sorry to disturb you folks, but we got a call about a domestic disturbance here in the trailer park. Mr. Stancil Kaywood got a bowl o’ hot grits dumped on him by his wife. Uh — you know anything about that?
Vonda Walker: Hell, they carry on all the TIME like that!
Police Officer: Yeah, well, I guess I’d better take your names, in case you have to come to court and give a statement. Your names?
Prince Charles: Uh, certainly. This is Vonda Walker — [ she waves ]
Police Officer: Uh-huh?
Prince Charles: And I am Prince Charles.
Police Officer: Okay. Say — you know, there’s an L.C. Charles, runs the tractor-trailer show every month up there in Future City, Illinois? You have any relation to him?
Prince Charles: Probably not — no. My actual name is Charles Windsor.
Police Officer: [ he starts whistling and chuckling ] I used to know a Jule Windsor! His daddy and my daddy used to run a Diamond truck out of Meridian! He’s out in Oklahoma now, he works for the gas company. Hell, he’s making $17.50, $18.50 an hour, or something like that! Heh!
Prince Charles: That’s really quite a marvelous wage!
Police Officer: Oh, yeah!
Prince Charles: That’s really good for him. Well, I doubt we’re closely related, but I could write the Genealogical Society in London, and ask them to check it for you.
Police Officer: Oh, hell! If you’d find Jule’s address, I’d apppreciate it! Last I heard, he was in Prairie or Collinsville… near Tulsa, anyway.
Prince Charles: Well, I-I can’t promise anything, but I will give it a go.
Police Officer: Well, how you like there, Prince! Ma’am, we’ll see you later.
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Oh, by the way, Prince — I noticed on the way in, you got friction straps on your pick-up truck. Well, I’ll tell you something now, we got an ordinace here in Webster County — they’re illegal! I don’t know why, but it’s the law! You better take ’em off. I’ll give you a warning this time, but you all take them off, alright?
Prince Charles: Thank you, Officer. I’ll take care of it personally.
Police Officer: Okay!
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Bye!
[ the Police Officer exits the trailer ]
Vonda Walker: Baby? I’m sorry that I yelled at you, Charles. It’s just that, sometimes, I think it might be better if we just… parted.
Prince Charles: [ he hugs her ] Vonda! Don’t think such a thing, darling. Ever since I first set eyes on you, in your white vinyl boots and your orange halter top, I knew that you meant MORE to me than all the well-born, sophisticated, better-educated, over 21-yeear old women in the world.
Vonda Walker: Oh, Charles! [ she kisses him and pulls over to the other side of the trailer ]
[ suddenly, their neighbor lloyd enters the trailer ]
Lloyd: Hey, uh — either of you seen that, uh, tramp of a wife of mine? Where is she?! Where is that little SLUT?! I’ll KILL her!
Prince Charles: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Uh — hi there, Charlie. Hell, you know I work 60 hours a week… you know, I come home… you know, she’s out with a different man every night. You know? I KNOW she’s out with Bobby Tucker!
Prince Charles: Yes — I’m afraid I did see your wife with Mr. Tucker earleir this evening, when I was taking the trash to the dump.
Vonda Walker: I saw him, too!
Lloyd: Where do you think he went, Charlie?
Prince Charles: Wellll… I did borrow a cigarette from bobby, and he did mention something about Bobo Johnson’s Tick-Tock Lounge, uh, Route 52.
Lloyd: Alright, thanks a lot, CHarlie! I’m gonna go down there and blow their heads off. You got any, uh, rifle slugs for a Remington Brushmaster?
Prince Charles: Uhhh — I don’t think so.
Lloyd: I just need two.
Prince Charles: I’ll just check. [ he opens a cigar box ] No, sorry. Right out. Can’t help you, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, thanks anyway, Charlie.
Prince Charles: Yeah. Hope things work out for the best.
Lloyd: Okay.
Vonda Walker: Bye, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Bye!
[ Lloyd exits the trailer ]
Prince Charles: [ holding up a pack of birth control pills ] Vonda?
Vonda Walker: Mmm-hmm?
Prince Charles: Perhaps you can explain these?
Vonda Walker: [ surprised ] Oh, uh… my birth control pills! [ she laughs nervously ] THERE they are! I lost them last Thursday!
Prince Charles: Last Thursday? You and I have a very specific agreement on this!
Vonda Walker: [ crying ] But I want your baby! I want to be QUEEN of England! And I want to bear you a KING! His name’s gonna be KING DARRELL!!
Prince Charles: Darling, the ramifications are ENORMOUS! The entire British Commonwealth is involved.
Vonda Walker: But all that matters is you and me! You said so yourself!
Prince Charles: Very well. The only honorable thing to do… is to go to England… and speak to my mother, the Queen.
[ Charles exits the trailer to make the journey ]
[ cut to stock footage of a bus traveling down the highway and a plane flying through the air, over bouncy music ]
[ cut to exterior, Buckingham Palace, as “Hail Brittania” plays ]
[ cut back to stock footage of a plane flying through the air and a bus traveling down the highway, over bouncy music ]
[ return to the trailer, as Charles re-enters ]
Prince Charles: Darling? My mother says “No!” I’m afraid I can’t see you any more. Sorry.
[ Charles exits the trailer, as Vonda stands with her mouth agape ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ SCROLL: “We gratefully acknowledge the cooperation of the Royal Family of Great Britain, in particular H.R.H. Charles Prince of Wales and Department of Parks and Recreation, Webster County, Mississippi.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 9th, 1978 Eric Idle Kate Bush Don Novello Dave Wilson Tom Schiller Brian Doyle-Murray Paul Shaffer Howard Shore Telepsychic RaySummary: Telepsychic Ray (Dan Aykroyd) predicts the futures of his callers. Recurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray. Transcript
Montage
Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Eric Idle searches for the writers when he finds no monologue waiting for him when he arrives at Home Base. Transcript
The French ChefSummary: A frantic Julia Child (Dan Aykroyd) quickly bleeds to death after cutting her finger. Note: Originally written for Walter Matthau one week earlier. Transcript
Madrigal
The Woman He LovedSummary: Prince Charles (Eric Idle) lives in a trailer in Webster County, Mississippi and carries on an illicit affair with a thirteen-year old white trash girl (Laraine Newman). Recurring Characters: Prince Charles. Transcript
Kate Bush performs “The Man With The Child In His Eyes”
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi Barbara…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Fred Silverman standing exasperated before a chart featuring NBC’s and ABC’s programming schedule ]
Barbara: [ entering with a bowl of food ] Come on now, Mr. Silverman — you haven’t eaten anything for days. Now, eatyour apple sauce. [ she holds up the spoon ] Come on, Freddy! [ he resists ] Freddyyyy. Open your — come on, Freddy! [ he takes a bite ] There you go, that’s good! There you go.
Fred Silverman: NINE shows, Barbara! I can’t believe that I had to cancel NINE shows! And they were TERRIBLE shows! I don’t understand how they failed. They were TERRIBLE! Shows JUST as bad as these, which were BIG hits as ABC! [ he points to his board ] “Grandpa Goes to Washington”.”Muttonchop”. I don’t understnad it! People didn’t like it.
Barbara: Well, “Lifeline” was a good show.
Fred Silverman: Sure, I expected that to fail, though. What about… “David Cassidy: Man Undercover”? Now, THAT was a stupid show! It was badly written… I don’t know why it didn’t make it. Now, maybe we had someone even worse than David Cassidy… I got it! [ he snaps his fingers ] What do you think of this? “Donny Osmond: Man Undercover”.
Barbara: Oh, I don’t like it at all!
Fred Silverman: You don’t?
Barbara: No! In fact, I HATE it!
Fred Silverman: So do I! Make out a card.
Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it up on the board ]
Fred Silverman: Now, I’m just wondering what to do on Tuesdy night here, where “Eddie Capra Mysteries” were. Let’s see, at 8 o’clock I got, uh… “B.J. and the Bear”.
Barbara: Right.
Fred Silverman: At ten, I’ve got “Mrs. Columbo”… “Runaway Truck Driver”… a cop show. What can we put in between…?
Barbara: Uh… how about a show called “Road Block”?
Fred Silverman: [ thinking ] That’s TERRIBLE! Make out a card.
Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it on the board ] You know… I don’t mean to say anything, Mr. Silverman, but, looking ovr the board here, I mean… maybe we’re underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
Fred Silverman: You’re… fired!
Barbara: Fired?
Fred Silverman: Yes. You’ll never work at this network again.
Barbara: Alright, Mr. Silverman… Mr. Programming Genius. [ she grabs him by the tie ] There’s just ONE thing I’d like to say to you before I leave! [ she turns to face the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi George … Dan Aykroyd Nico … Bill Murray Sandy … Laraine Newman 1st Female Customer … Jane Curtin Male Customer … Garrett Morris John Pittman … Walter Matthau Lambrose “Larry” Petropopolis … Brian Doyle-Murray 2nd Female Customer … Gilda Radner Linda … Rosie Shuster Larry’s Assistant … Alan Zweibel Mike … Don Novello
[Burger patties sizzling on a grill in the OlympiaCafe. The owner, Pete Dionasopolis is taking an orderon the phone.]
Pete: [yells to George the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Pete: [into phone] No fries. Chip. [yells to Nico thecounterman] Chip! Chip!
Nico: Chip! Chip!
Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No. No Coke. Pepsi.[yells to Nico] Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: Pepsi! Pepsi!
Pete: [into phone] All right, ten minutes.
[Pete hangs up. (Pete’s brother Mike, who never saysanything, can be seen working in the back.) Sandy, thewaitress, approaches Pete.]
Sandy: Hey, Pete, that toilet is stuffed up again.
Pete: Aaaahhh!
[Grabbing a plunger and cursing under his breath inGreek, Pete heads off for the bathroom, followed bySandy. At the counter, a female customer talks to Nicowho barely understands English. She shows him hercheeseburger.]
1st Female Customer: Excuse me, I wanted this medium,uh, and it’s almost raw. Could I have it cooked some more?
Nico: More?
1st Female Customer: Yes, please.
Nico: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger!
1st Female Customer: No! No! No, no! I don’t wantanother cheeseburger! I just want this one cooked somemore.
Nico: More?
1st Female Customer: No, no. [points to George] Gethim, get him, get him. [Nico gets George who bringsthe customer another cheeseburger] He ordered meanother cheeseburger and I didn’t–!
George: [gives her the second cheeseburger] Here, here.
1st Female Customer: No, no, no! I just want this onecooked some more! It’s almost raw! [But George hasalready retreated to his grill.]
Male Customer: Uh, I hate to break up such an excitingdiscussion but I just saw a roach about the size of acat walk behind this napkin holder right here.
George: Roach?
Male Customer: Yeah.
George: Roach?
Male Customer: That’s right. Right– oh! [The roachhas apparently emerged onto the countertop] Look out!
1st Female Customer: Oh!
[Nico and George grab two cans of bug spray and startspraying the countertop around the napkin holder. Thetwo customers make faces, cough, and hold their handsup to block the bug spray. George spots the roach andflattens it with a quick blow of his spatula. Hescrapes the roach off the spatula and goes back towork at the grill, much to the horror of the customers.]
Male Customer: Uh huh, I think I’m gonna … I’m gonnapay my check and leave. I don’t want to wait for theautopsy report. [pays his check to Nico and hastily exits]
1st Female Customer: [to Nico] I’m gonna pass onhaving this cooked some more. I think, uh, for somereason, I’ve lost my appetite. [George moves to thecash register and rings up the customer’s check]
Sandy: [returns and grabs a second plunger] George,Pete needs the other plunger. [George nods and Sandyexits again.]
1st Female Customer: [to George] Uh, I think you made a mistake.
George: Two cheeseburger, one chip, one Pepsi. Three-eighty-two.
1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order two cheeseburgers! Only one!
George: Look. Two. One, two. [holds up her second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: Well, I didn’t order the othercheeseburger. I just asked him if I could have minecooked some more and he thought I wanted another one.You owe me a dollar fifty.
George: Wait for Pete.
1st Female Customer: No–! [But George is already onhis way back to the grill.]
Sandy: [yells to George and Nico] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
[Two men enter the restaurant together. The first isJohn Pittman, who smokes a huge cigar and wearsthick-framed eyeglasses and a business suit. Thesecond is Larry, a small, mustachioed man in aCoca-Cola uniform. They approach Nico.]
John Pittman: Excuse me, sir, are you the proprietorof this restaurant? I’m John Pittman from theCoca-Cola Company. [Pittman shakes Nico’s hand. Nicodoesn’t understand but nods anyway.] Coca-ColaCompany.
Nico: Oh, uh, no Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: Yes, I know, yes. That’s why I’m here. Iwant to talk to you. This is Larry Petropopolis. He’sour new area distributor.
[Larry and Nico shake hands and exchange greetings in Greek.]
John Pittman: We call him Larry but his real name isLambrose. Sometimes, we kid around, we call him “lambroast.” Ha! Ha! Right, Larry? You know I might as wellget right to the point. We’re pretty concerned aroundhere that a lot of Greek restaurants in this areaaren’t our customers. Now, well, to be perfectlyfrank, we want to rectify the situation. I know thatour competitor has a good distributor, what’s hisname, Zanatos? [Nico recognizes the name and nods. Hecontinues to nod even though he has no clue what isbeing said to him.] Well, we plan to give you a betterdeal than Zanatos can give. Let’s not beat around thebush. Talk drachmas, right? You buy a five gallon jugof syrup from Zanatos for sixteen dollars and we’regonna give it to you for fifteen fifty. We’ll put up anew sign for you, too. Huh? We just want to doanything we can to win you over to Coke.
Nico: No Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. I’ll go downto fifteen and a quarter. Now, you don’t think I cangive you a better deal than that, do ya? [Nico keepsnodding, cluelessly.] Huh? You do? Okay. I’ll make itfifteen even. And I’ll see if I can’t dig up a fewdozen glasses for ya, right?
Larry: Uh, I think I got some out in the truck.
John Pittman: [to Larry] You got some in the truck?[to Nico] He’s got some in the truck. We’ll bring themin now. What do you say? We have a deal? Huh? [Niconods] Okay, terrific! [turns to Larry] Larry, Larry,will ya set up the dispensers and everything rightnow? [Larry exits, Pittman turns to Nico, shakes hishand] Listen, I gotta get going, kid. You’re a veryshrewd businessman. I like your style. You know that,too, don’t ya? Ha! [pats Nico on the cheek] You’re all right!
[Pittman exits. Nico grins and nods, having no ideawhat that was all about. Pete returns with the plungerslung over his shoulder.]
Pete: Ahhhh.
1st Female Customer: [still waiting by the register,to Pete] I was charged for two cheeseburgers. I onlyordered one. You owe me a dollar fifty. I’ve beenwaiting here for ten minutes. I would appreciate it ifyou would give me my money.
Pete: George? [George joins Pete at the register, Petewants an explanation] Come on, come on.
George: Two cheeseburgers. One, two. [holds up the second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order it! [points toNico] He ordered it! Have him pay for it!
Pete: [to 1st female customer] Wait, wait. [turns to2nd female customer, a regular patron, who stands nearthe register with a friend] Okay, honey.
2nd Female Customer: Oh, oh, um, Pete, uh, can I alsohave a cheeseburger and a Pepsi to go?
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: One cheeseburger! [George bags up theuntouched second cheeseburger and hands it to Pete whohands it to the 2nd female customer]
Nico: Pepsi!
2nd Female Customer: Oh, um, Pete, I want you to meet Linda, um…
Linda: Hi.
2nd Female Customer: She’s gonna be taking over for meat work, uh, ah, I’m not gonna be there. You wanna know why?
Pete: Why?
2nd Female Customer: I’m gettin’ married.
Pete: You’re–? Married?
2nd Female Customer: Yeah. [laughs]
Pete: Awwwww! [kisses her on cheek]
2nd Female Customer: Yeah, next week, I’m goin’ on the honeymoon.
Pete: Ohhhh! [claps his hands happily] Wait! Wait!Ahhhhhh! [presents her with a wedding present — a bag of chips]
2nd Female Customer: [underwhelmed by the gift] Oh,thanks a lot. You don’t mind if I don’t eat ’em here?I’ll open ’em when I open the other gifts.
Pete: [graciously] Ahhhh, all right, all right.
2nd Female Customer: Thanks, Pete. [She and her friend exit.]
Pete: Married, married. That’s nice, that’s nice. [tothe 1st female customer] What do you want? What?
[Larry’s assistant enters with a Coca-Cola dispenser,followed by Larry who carries a box of glasses.]
Larry: [to Pete] Where do you want the glasses?
Pete: [completely confused] What? What? What?
Larry: Glasses. Free Coke glasses. Look. [shows Petean invoice] Four dozen free glasses, one ten footsign, and an agreement for us to sell you five gallonjugs for fifteen dollars apiece.
Pete: Fifteen?
Larry: Right.
Pete: Five gallons?
Larry: Yeah, it’ll only take us a minute to set it up.
Pete: [Knowing a good deal when he hears it, anotherwise mystified Pete waves Larry on] Sure, sure,sure. [Larry and his helper set things up and then exit.]
1st Female Customer: [to Pete] Okay, how about mydollar fifty that you owe me or do I have to call the police?
Pete: [upset] I’ll give you your money in food! All right?!
1st Female Customer: You mean you won’t give me adollar fifty in cash?
Pete: [gestures toward the grill] Cheeseburger. Come on.
1st Female Customer: I don’t want a cheeseburger![resigned] What else do you have?
Pete: Chip!
1st Female Customer: Okay, give me four bags of chips.How much do I have left?
Pete: [does the math] Uhhhh … twenty-eight.
1st Female Customer: Okay, I’ll have a Pepsi.
Pete: Ah, no Pepsi. Coke.
1st Female Customer: [rolls her eyes] Okay! I’ll have a Coke!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Coke!
[But Nico, uncomprehending, just stands still, wiping down a counter. Pete starts violently whacking Nico with a menu.]
Pete: Coke! Coke! Coke! Coke!
[Dissolve to a wider shot of the set behind camerasand microphones.]
Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(The curtain rises but nobody’s on the set. we then cut to Mr. Bill’s dressing room where Mr. Hands is molding Mr. Bill.)
Mr. Hands: Whoops! Hey kids. Gee you’re a little early today. Well Mr. Bill’s not here yet. But he’s on his way. (Cut back to the set with Sluggo and Spot) So while we’re waiting. His dog Spot will do some tricks for us. You ready Spot?
Spot: Ruff Ruff!
Mr. Hands: Now first, Animal Trainer Sluggo says you’re going to roll over so roll over. Roll over Spot! (Rolls over Spot right over the glitter on the stage and back.) Now come on back. That’s a good dog Spot! Now Sluggo says you’re going to jump through the ring of fire. So jump high and be careful (Carries Spot but drops him right in the middle of the ring.) Ow! Now fetch the newspaper (A newspaper drops right over Spot.) Oh look here comes Mr. Bill!
Mr. Bill: Oh Kiddies. I’m so sorry I was late today and. Hey was that spot I heard?
Mr. Hands: Sure he brought your morning newspaper (Reveals Spot who is burnt to a crisp.)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! (Angry) Oh you know Mr. Hands. I’m beginning to think you’re not such a good friend. You always let that bully Sluggo pick on me and I think I’m going to punch him in the face huh?
Mr. Hands: Well we’ll have to talk about that later Mr. Bill because we’re all out of time.
(As he says this last line, Mr. Hands nails Mr. Bill in the head knocking his head off.)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Curtain falls)
(dissolveto audience pan, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Incorrect Time Fro The Habitually Late” )
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Eric Idle, with musical guest Kate Bush. This is Don Pardo, and I’ve waited ninety minutes just to say: “Good night.”
[ open on family sitting around during an outdoor picnic, as Yncle Ned tells a joke ]
Uncle Ned: ..The bartender takes one look at this thing, and says, “Where does a 500 lb. gorilla sleep?” [ laughs ] “Anywhere he –“
[ suddenly, Uncle Ned’s false teeth slip out, and bounce across the picnic table ]
Niece: Uncle Ned! That’s disgusting!
Spokesman: Attention denture wearers – no longer do you have to suffer from embarrassing denture slippage. Now there’s Epoxy-Dent, the strongest denture cream permitted by law.
Simply apply Epoxy-Dent like any other denture adhesive, and you’ll never have to worry about denture slippage again.
And to prove it, we’re here in Bolmer, Long Island to ask denture wearer Ned Morris to take the Epoxy-Dent Chopper Test!
[ helicopter flies over, as Uncle Ned chomps on a wood bar attached to the uncarriage of the helicopter ]
[ show Uncle Ned flying through the air, hanging from underneath the helicopter ]
Kurt: Boy, I’m sure glad you’re pitching tomorrow – it’s gonna be a rough game. Ah, no problem. By the time camp’s over, once again our twam will be champs!
[ the team cheers ]
Kurt: [ whistles ] Hey, Alan – heads up!
Alan: Hey, cut it out, you guys!
Raymond: Hey, hey. What’s that you’re reading, Alan?
Alan: Nothing!
Kurt: Whaddaya mean, nothing?! Hey, Charlie, look at this! A Playbee magazine!
[ everyone oohs and ahhs over the contents of Alan’s dirty magazine ]
Artie: Boy, I’d sure like to get into her honey sac!
Alan: Yeah, me too!
Kurt: Oh, whadda you knew about that, Alan!
Alan: As much as you do!
Kurt: Oh, yeah? I bet you never even did it!
Alan: I.. did.. too..
Kurt: Oh, yeah? Well, then tell me how you did it!
Alan: [ stung ] Okay.. so I never did it..
[ everyone laughs at Alan ]
Artie: I knew he was lying!
Kurt: I bet you never did it!
Artie: [ hesitant ] ..Sure, I did.
Raymond: With who?!
Artie: Laura Finch.
Kurt: Really?
Artie: Yeah! One day a whole swarm of us gang stang her behind the bowling alley.
[ suddenly, the Coach enters the cabin ]
Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?!
Alan: Ah, nothing, Coach.. we’re just talking.
Coach: Come on! Lights out, guys! We’ve got a big game tomorrow, I want you guys to get a lot of sleep, see? Come on!
[ everyone moans and groans ]
Coach: Come on! [ spies magazine ] What is this? [ grabs magazine and leafs through it ] What is this stuff? What are you guys doing with this thing, huh?! Aren’t you a little young to be looking at this?
Kurt: Aren’t you a little bit old!
Coach: Listen, Hansen! When you’re my age, you should stick it to the queen as often as I do! Now, get some sleep!
Team: Goodnight, Coach!
Coach: Goodnight, guys.
[ Coach exits cabin ]
Artie: Boy.. too bad he took that magazine – those pictures were great!
Raymond: You’re not kidding, man..
Alan: Come on, guys! The Coach is right – let’s get some sleep!
[ the team agrees, and quickly got to sleep ]
[ with everyone asleep, the sound of Alan’s cot squeaking can be heard ]
Kurt: Hey, Alan, would you pull your stinger somewhere else!
[ everyone humiliates Alan ]
Alan: Dammit, you guys! Dammit! I was not!
Kurt: You were, too!
Alan: I was not!
[ Coach re-enters, angrier than before ]
Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?! What’s all the racket about?! I thought I told you to go to sleep!!
Artie: We were trying to, Coach, but Alan made too much noise because he was.. buzzing off!
Team: Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off!!
Alan: I swear, I wasn’t!
Kurt: Oh, yeah? Then why is there honey all over your sheets!
Coach: Come on, you guys.. cut it out! Come over here, Alan.. come over here..
[ Coach and Alan sit down ]
Alan: Yeah, Coach?
Coach: Nothing wrong in what you were doing, Alan. It’s perfectly normal for someone your age to bend his barb once in a while. Everyone does it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s the matter with you, guys? Artie, can you say that you’ve never done it?
Artie: No..
Coach: You, Raymond?
Raymond: Well, uh.. no, Coach..
Coach: How about you, Kurt? Youve polished your bayonet, haven’t you?
Kurt: [ hesitant ] ..Yeah.. once.
Coach: You see? It’s a natural function – everyone does it.
Raymond: Even you, Coach?
Coach: Yes. Twice.
Team: The Coach buzzes off!!
Alan: Shut up!!
Coach: Even females do it.
Artie: [ suddenly interested ] Really?! How?!
Coach: Well.. I’m not sure, exactly, but, uh.. let me tell you a story about a ballplayer I knew, who, uh.. used to buzz off five, six, seven times a day. And his teammates, they made fun of him, they razzed him all the time. And he was ashamed, and it was affecting all aspects of his game. He had trouble throwing, fielding, hitting with power, running to the bases.. And then, one day, he just accepted the fact that he was a chronic buzz off. And once he accepted that fact, he became a great ballplayer, and he went on to hit three home runs in the last game of the 1977 World Series!
[ the team is amazed by the identity of the buzz off ]
Team: Reggie Jackson!!
Coach: Reggie Jackson. That’s right, Alan, you’re in good company.
[ the team quickly apologizes for making fun of Alan earlier ]
Alan: Ah, that’s okay, guys..
Coach: Now, you get back to bed, guys.
Team: Goodnight, Coach!!
Coach: Goodnight!
[ Coach exits the cabin ]
[ suddenly, all the cots in the cabin begin squeaking ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 2nd, 1978 Walter Matthau None None Tom Davis George Coe Don Novello Brian Doyle-Murray Rosie Shuster Alan Zweibel Programming IdeasSummary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) wonders how his poorly-developed programming ideas have failed on NBC’s programming schedule. Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman. Transcript
Montage
Walter Matthau’s MonologueSummary: A humble Walter Matthau tells the audience about his week with the cast.
Super Epoxy-DentSummary: The dental adhesive strong enough to pull you on a helicopter by your teeth. Transcript
The Bad News BeesSummary: Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) gives the bees on his team a pep talk after Alan (John Belushi) buzzes off. Recurring Characters: Bees. Transcript
Olympia CafeSummary: A Coca-Cola salesman (Walter Matthau) talks dim-witted Nico (Bill Murray) into switching the Olympia cafe over from Pepsi. Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis. Transcript
Daughter’s Old Bed
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Laraine Newman reports on the death of a slain gay leader in Chinatown. John Belushi rants about holiday depression.
Nixon’s ComebackSummary: Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) seeks the help of a conspirator (Walter Matthau) in an attempt to make a political return. Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.
Woman to WomanSummary: Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) interviews teen model Vanessa Lake (Laraine Newman). Recurring Characters: Connie Carson.
Garrett Morris performs “Dalla Sua Pace”Summary: At Walter Matthau’s insistence, Garrett performs “Dalla Sua Pace” from Don Giovanni.
Government Surplus StoreSummary: The owner of a government surplus store (Walter Matthau) tries to comfort a young customer (Larane Newman) after she returns some unneeded canteens. Recurring Characters: Vesna Shegula.
Network Battle of the T’s & A’sNote: Repeat from 10/07/78.
Mr. Bill is LateSummary: Spot is burnt to a crisp before Mr. Bill is ready to do the show. Transcript
Air Date:
Summary: Telepsychic Ray (Dan Aykroyd) predicts the futures of his callers.
Summary: Eric Idle searches for the writers when he finds no monologue waiting for him when he arrives at Home Base.
Recurring Characters: Valerie Harper, Chico Escuela, Father Guido Sarducci.
Recurring Characters: Jerry Aldini, Candy Slice.
Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.
Summary: Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) interviews teen model Vanessa Lake (Laraine Newman).
Summary: At Walter Matthau’s insistence, Garrett performs “Dalla Sua Pace” from Don Giovanni.
Summary: The owner of a government surplus store (Walter Matthau) tries to comfort a young customer (Larane Newman) after she returns some unneeded canteens.
Note: Repeat from