Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Natural Causes Restaurant

Elaine Melcher…..Gilda Radner
Shelly Melcher…..Elliot Gould
Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Sunset…..Laraine Newman

[ open on interior, Natural Causes Restaurant, as Shelly and Elaine Melcher walk up and enter the empty restaurant ]

Elaine Melcher: Shelly, this is it. Oh, isn’t it lovely?

Shelly Melcher: It doesn’t look very busy.

Elaine Melcher: Well… I know, I know, but maybe people — it’s not closed, is it?

Shelly Melcher: Uh, I don’t know…

Elaine Melcher: Well, why don’t we sit here?

Shelly Melcher: Why don’t we sit down, yeah. [ they sit ] It doesn’t look like anyone’s here.

Elaine Melcher: Look! [ she holds up a pair of chopsticks ] Chopsticks! Chopsticks!

[ Jason and Sunset emerge from the kitchen ]

Jason: Welcome to the Natural Causes Restaurant! I’m Jason, and this is my old lady, Sunset. She’s really far out!

Sunset: Welcome to our space! It’s NO accident that you’ve stumbled upon our door.

Elaine Melcher: Hi! Uh — uh, we’re Shelly and Elaine Melcher. Uh, we read about the Natural Causes Restaurant in New West magazine. You know, that article, uh — “Beyond Vegetarianism”?

Jason: That was a far out article. It’s really brought us a lot of business. That was really a good thing…

Shelly Melcher: Is it okay that we sit here?

Sunset: Oh. What are your signs?

Elaine Melcher: Uh — Gemini and Pisces.

Jason: You’re at the right table, it’s perfect — perfect for your energy.

Sunset: Okay… [ points from Shelly to Elaine ] Gemini… Pisces.

Shelly Melcher: No, no, it’s the other way around.

Sunset: Oh! I KNEW it! Oh, wo-ow!

Jason: Far out!

Sunset: Like, here at the Natural Causes Restaurant, we are really, like, beyond vegetarianism. Like, we serve meat, but we don’t believe in killing it.

Jason: Dig it! Like, we feel that, like, slaughtered animals are full of fear, you know? And eating fear produces bad karma, you know? So, like, we serve animals that only died from natural causes! [ hands them a pair of menus ] Here are your menus.

Shelly Melcher: [ looking at the menu ] Well, this menu doesn’t describe what you have in the dishes. What’s, uh, the Kahutek Special?

Sunset: Oh, well, see — it changes all the time. Like, you never know what’s gonna die at any given moment.

Jason: Like, today, the Kahutek Special might be leg of lamb, because we have a sheep back in the kitcehn that’s dying of anthrax. [ to Sunset ] Do you wanna go see if it’s dead yet, Sunset?

Sunset: Sure.

[ they take a peek into the kitchen ]

Shelly Melcher: I don’t know if I can go through with this…

Elaine Melcher: Shelly!

[ Jason and Sunset return ]

Sunset: Ooh, bad news! Uh, the sheep’s still wheezing.

Elaine Melcher: [ reading her menu ] Um — well, uh — what’s this? What’s the Mare Baba?

Jason: Okay, the Mare Baba is, like, frogs legs on a bed of brown rice.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly! You LOVE frogs legs!

Shelly Melcher: [ considering it ] Where did you get them from?

Jason: I pick them up from Fairbanks High’s biology lab. You know? They’re just missing their mouth parts, you know?

Shelly Melcher: I think I’ll pass. What else do you have?

Jason: Well, how about seagull?

The Melchers: Seagull?!

Jason: Yeah, a seagull that was drowned in the Santa Barbara oil slick. Completely, you know…

Shelly Melcher: What’s the Easy Winner?

Jason: Uh… race horse struck by lightning. On stone-ground pita bread with hummis.

Sunset: Right, and prepared with love!

Jason: Really!

Sunset: Lots of love!

Elaine Melcher: Horse? Horse. Shelly, do you feel like horse?

Shelly Melcher: No, I don’t think I could eat a horse.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly… [ turns to Jason and Sunset ] You see, we’re a little new to this. Maybe you could recommend something?

Jason: Well, the fresh cat is very nice.

Shelly Melcher: Fresh cat?

Jason: Yeah. It was just run over an hour-and-a-half ago on Highway 1.

Shelly Melcher: [ aghast ] You mean, you use animals that were killed in traffic accidents?

Sunset: Hey! There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Well, Pasadena on the cat! Would you mind checking on that sheep again?

Sunset: Sure. [ she exits to the kitchen ]

Jason: Like, we garnish it with insects that I scrape off the windshield of my van. You know?

[ Sunset returns ]

Sunset: Ooh, wow, uh — bad news again. The sheep seems to have perked up.

Jason: Oh, wow… that’s a drag. [ a beat ] Well, what’ll it be? Frog, seagull, horse, or cat?

Shelly Melcher: [ holding up his menu ] Well, what is this, uh — Ohm Surprise?

Jason: Oh! The Ohm Surprise. Well, that’s just steak, man. You know…

Shelly Melcher: Steak? [ sarcastically ] What happened, did the cow have a heart attack?

Jason: No, man. What happened, was… one day, I was standing outside of the restaurant. Okay? And, like, this cow dropped out of the sky! You know? And, later, I found out it was this flying Mexican meat smuggler’s airplane, you know? He was being chased by the U.S. Border Patrol, he got caught on radar, and he had to jettison his cattle!

Shelly Melcher: [ incredulous ] Are you trying to tell me that you hve steak on the menu, because some flying Mexican meat smuggler, who was being chased by American feds, dropped the cow over your restaurant, accidentally?!

[ Jason shakes his head ]

Sunset: There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Hmm.

[ an airplane can suddenly be heard buzzing overhead, as a crash sounds, and a cow drops through the ceiling and hits the floor ]

Jason: So, man, how would you like your steak: rare, medium, or well-done?

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Teenage Retirement Villages Fro Dropouts” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Elliot Gould
…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Elliot Gould: Well, hello, hello, hello! Here I am back in New York, and this is where I’m from, right?

You know, when I was a littler kid, I was told I was supposed to be a song-and-dance man on Broadway. So I did that. And whenever I come on the show, I knew the first time I’d love to sing old songs. I sang “Crazy Rhythm” and “Let Yourself Go”. And then last time, I sang “Anything Goes”, by Cole Porter. And tonight, I had planned to sing a verse of “All The Things You Are”, “Don’t Fence Me In” and “You’ve Gotta Have Heart”.

But we’ve got a better idea. I’d like to reintroduce a dance song that was the rage a long time ago and is almost forgotten now. It was written by Mr. Tommy Malone and Moe Silverfarb. Both of them gone now – God bless them. And it’s from a show called “The Gypsy Priest”, which opened in the Wintergarden Theater in the Spring of 1927, and it sent all Amercia dancing. So tonight, folks, fifty years later, I’d like to show it to you.

[ cut to graphic of exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And now, live from Studio 8H, high atop Manhatten’s famed Rockefeller Plaza, NBC proudly presents the dance craze you’ve all been waiting for – “The Castration Walk”!

[ dissolve to John Belushi, Elliot Gould and Bill Murray in tuxedo coat and tails ]

Together:
“Put your hand on your crotch
and your other one, too.
Then you give a little squeeze
and they both turn blue.
And it hurts so much you can barely talk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then you hop on your foot
and you roll on the floor.
And you knock things over
and you bang on the door.
And you scream, ‘Ow! Ow!’
And you shout, ‘Awk! Awk!'”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then your voice goes up
and you sound like this.
And you don’t want to hug
and you don’t want to kiss.
And you throw a little fit
and you start to squawk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk

[ John, Elliot and Bill do the Castration Dance ]

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It’s a brand new sensation.”

Bill Murray:
Well, I went to the Rabbi
and he sent me to the moil.
But the moil was clumsy
and he made me a goil!

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It will soon sweep the nation.”

John Belushi:
I was sliding down the banister
and didn’t see the ouch.
Now I feel like a kangaroo
who lost his pouch.

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
it’s no cause for a nation.”

Elliot Gould: Officer, I’d like to report a jewel heist!

Together: “Now you’re doing the Castration Waaaaaaaallllkkk!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Goodnights

…..Elliot Gould

Elliot Gould: [ unaware of camera as he paces Home Base ] I’m — I’m on? Weive got sixty seconds to fill, right? Well, I know we’ve got Earl the Pearl sitting up there — [ he gestures to balcony ]

[ Belushi taps Elliot on the shoulder, then removes his shades to reveal fake eyeballs attached to his face as he looks around blindly ]

John Belushi: He’s up there?

[ Aykroyd makes his way to the front of the stage ]

Dan Aykroyd: Hey, I’d like to make an appeal — I need a pair of, uh, tanks for a Harley Davidson, a ’71 Electra Glide Police Special. I need Fat Bob tanks. I’ve only got, like, the 3.2 gallon tanks — I need the big tanks. Please write me a letter if you’ve got them. I’ll pay you good money. This is for a 1971 Electra Glide Harley Davidson Police Special — I need the tanks, the Fat Bob tanks. Thank you!

John Belushi: Also… Gail Sears — Gail Sears, uh, I hope your knee gets better, and Dick Butkus, also. [ to Elliot ] My two idols. That’s it.

Gilda Radner: That’s all, say good night!

John Belushi: Gilda, you want to say anything?

Gilda Radner: Nothing!

John Belushi: Say good night to Johnny Carson, Ed MacMahon, and, uh…

Laraine Newman: Doc Severinsen!

John Belushi: Doc Severinsen, uh — we don’t watch your show, but we respect it very much. Elliot Gould! The BEST host we’ve ever had! [ Elliot laughs ] You’re the BEST host we’ve ever had — honest!

[ the audience cheers, as Elliot shakes Belushi’s hand and the credits finally begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Eric Idle, with musical guest Neil Innes and Alan Price. Your announcer is Don Pardo. I wonder: should I leave my make-up on ’til I get home? Why not? I look so handsome with make-up! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

United Face Bank

Joan Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Eldo Johnson…..Garrett Morris

[ open on close-up of a weird, faceless human being ]

Joan Crawford: Meet Kenny Rowland. Like most of Americans every year, little Kenny was born without a face. It’s not too late to save Kenny, but we need your help.

[ actress Joan Crawford enters the frame ]

Joan Crawford: Hi, I’m Joan Crawford, speaking for the United Face Bank. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have a face? Sort of like this, I suppose:

[ screen goes black, before returning to Crawford ]

Joan Crawford: Not very much fun, is it? Little things we take for granted — things like eating, seeing, hearing, smelling, talking, singing, laughing, breathing. These are all things the faceless never know. All they know is the world of tube — lots and lots of tube. Here’s someone who can tell us about that world, someone whose face transplant allowed him to become a top, professional football star: Eldo Johnson, of the Miami Dolphins.

[ Eldo steps forward. He’s a black man with a little white face sewn onto the front of his head ]

Eldo Johnson: [ obviously reading from cue cards for the first time ] Thank you, Joan. I used to… think… that I would never have a face… but United Face Bank gave me a new lease… on life… when… uh… I was fortunate enough to receive one from an eleven-year old white girl… Scarlett… killed in a rock fall. Admittedly, I might have preferred the face of a black, adult male… but they did the best… uh… they could with what they had.

Joan Crawford: Yes, Eldo, but soometimes, as in your case, their best JUST wasn’t good enough!

Eldo Johnson: [ whispering ] Hey, Joan, uh, you think they might have a black one, now? I mean, could I — you mind if I poke around in the fridge a little bit?

Joan Crawford: [ she smiles ] Go right ahead!

[ Eldo opens a refrigerator, filled with blank, staring faces in formeldehyde jars ]

Joan Crawford: [ chuckles ] Yes, only YOU can make a difference between despair and hope. Only YOU can provide the chance for a better life. Of course, funds are urgently needed, but, more importantly, I’m asking you to give of yourself. Help little Kenny put on a happy face! [ she smiles off into space, before finally turning towards Eldo ] Did you find anything?

Eldo Johnson: [ holding a jar ] Well, the closest I could come up with is, uh, uh, a Phillipino schoolteacher. [ he puts it back in the fridge ] I don’t know what I want…

[ slow zoom onto the contents of the fridge, as the accompanying SUPER appears: ]

Announcer: Support the United Face Bank. People without faces never have a nice day.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

The Coneheads At Home

Phone Company Technician…..Elliot Gould
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Merkon…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]

[ doorbell rings twice, before Phone Company Technician shows himself in ]

Phone Company Technician: Hello? Phone Company – anybody home?

[ Conehead Family poke their heads out from the hall ]

Coneheads: Greetings!!

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]

Phone Company Technician: Is this the Con-Ed residence?

Connie Conehead: Conehead, man! The name is Conehead! I am Connie. These are my parental units, Belda and Prymaat.

Phone Company Technician: Yeah.. right.. well, okay. You wanted a phone installed on the premises?

Correct. In fact, we need several of the devices.

Phone Company Technician: Well, how many did you have in mind?

35!

Phone Company Technician: 35? You want 35 separate extensions?

Correct! Are you capable of supplying this number?

Phone Company Technician: Well, I don’t know, Mr. Conehead. I’ll have to check to see how many sets I have in my truck. Why do you need so many?

We need them! We’re from France!

Phone Company Technician: Oh.. yeah.. Well, I’ll be right back..

[ Phone Company Technician exits house to truck ]

Beldar Conehead: It is most unfortunate that the human arrived as we were receiving vital communication impulses from our home planet Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, Daddy. You must return to the Monotron, and continue to absorb the message impulses.

Beldar Conehead: Young One – at times you are wise. Although, I cannot dig your whole.. bag.

Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Return to the Monotron crystal! Connie and I will assume household maintenance activities.

[ Beldar exits room ]

[ Prymaat and Connie begin to vacuum the floor, making a lot of noise but getting few results ]

Connie Conehead: This particle collector is most inefficient.

Prymaat Conehead: [ turns vacuum off ] Correct. It is another example of human technology. If you want to do something right, use your own cone!

[ Prymaat unhooks the vacuum hose, sticks it in her mouth, then proceeds to suck up the dirt with a high-speed force ]

[ Phone Company Technician re-enters house, armed with phones ]

Phone Company Technician: Okay. Where do you want them?

Connie Conehead: Mommy. Tell the human where you want yours.

Prymaat Conehead: I need all 14 wall units in the food preparation chamber, and 11 here in the central reception area!

Connie Conehead: And, also, please, install 10 pink Princess phones in the sleep chamber, modeled to accomodate a pubescent human female. Okay, man?

Phone Company Technician: Yeah, well.. I think I can get that together.

Connie Conehead: I reallly think you’re cute!

[ Beldar rushes into the room ]

Beldar Conehead: Vital communication from Remulak!! Vital communication from Remulak!!

[ Beldar picks up the signal ]

Beldar Conehead: It seems that Merkon, the messenger of the High Master, is coming here. The Monotron indicates that a star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s atmosphere!

Phone Company Technician: [ confused ] Merkon? Remulak?

Prymaat Conehead: [ quickly ] Remulak! A small town in France!

Connie Conehead: [ panicking ] Yes, um.. Merkon.. uh.. uh.. our Uncle Merkon from France!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes!

Phone Company Technician: Well.. I guess I’ll just hop along upstairs and start to install these phones. [ exits upstairs ]

Beldar Conehead: Human.

[ doorbell rings ]

Beldar Conehead: It is Merkon. [ opens door ]

Merkon: Greetings! I am Merkon! I’ve got the crystal of the High Ruler!

[ Conehead family touch cones ]

Beldar Conehead: Please sit. Our young one will prepare mass quantities of food and drink for you to consume.

[ Merkon sits ]

Beldar Conehead: How are things back home on Remulak?

Merkon: Oh,

Beldar Conehead: High quality?

Merkon: Mmm.. the best. Nice, real color.

Beldar Conehead: Did the Blackfarbs win the Protoid Bowl?

Merkon: No. The Baltonians kicked their cones! [ laughs ]

Beldar Conehead: I trust you will be able to stay with us for at least a decade?

Merkon: Oh, no time. I must leave immediately – this year!

Beldar Conehead: And, how is the High Master?

Merkon: The High Master demands an explanation, Beldar! When you left Remulak, you were instructed to seize all major radio and television! And warn the people of Earth that we would be taking over their world!

Beldar Conehead: Correct. I was to inform them that we would be the timekeepers from the planet Remulak, we would remain here for seven centuries, that Earth weapons were useless against us, we would destroy them if they did not comply.

Merkon: Well, I ask you, what happened?

Beldar Conehead: [ hesitant ] I lost the speech I was supposed to make.

Prymaat Conehead: We had a speech prepared: “People of Earth, we are the timekeepers of the planet Remulak. Your weapons are useless against us.” He lost the rest of it – the part with the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N.

Merkon: Enough! Enough! The plans for the conquest of Earth has been nullified by your actions, so you are to remain here for another 125 Earth years! Then you will be transferred to the Moons of Meepzor.

Beldar Conehead: Meepzor?

Prymaat Conehead: 125 Earth years? We’ll have to start packing soon.

Merkon: Yes.

[ Connie re-enters with cart of food ]

Connie Conehead: Merkon, we invite you to consume mass quantities.

Beldar Conehead: Pizza.

Merkon: Pizza?

Connie Conehead: Pizza. Yes. Starch disks with vegetable matter and lactate extract of hooved mammals, sprinkled with fish flesh.

Merkon: Mmm, fish flesh?

Beldar Conehead: Anchovies.

Merkon: Oh! Well, I’ll have the starched disks with no anchovies.

[ they begin to eat, as Phone Company Technician comes down the stairs ]

Phone Company Technician: Uh, Mr. Conehead, I’m sorry to bother you.. but I’ve installed eight of those Princess phones in your daughter’s bedroom.

Merkon: Princess phone?

Connie Conehead: Princess phone. A glamourized, electronic telecommunicatiom device. Humans often use labels of royalty, in a mas product appeals technique. Examples: King Burger, Queen Sized, and the Princess Phone.

Prymaat Conehead: The devices are useless to us, except that the bonding polymers in the paint are a nutritional delicacy.

Merkon: [ holds up senso-rings ] Oh, uh, by the way.. I found these under the luminescant waterbed while I was installing the phones in your daughter’s room..

Beldar Conehead: [angst-ridden ] Aggghhhhh!!! Connie! Connie! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! Where did you find the senso-rings!

Connie Conehead: Uh.. I found them in your sleep chamber..

Prymaat Conehead: Your cone is too young to know the senso-ring! Go to your sleep chamber without consuming mass quantities! Go!

Beldar Conehead: Go!

[ Connie retreats from the room, but stops to coax the Phone Company Technician to toss the rings upon her cone ]

Merkon: [ continuing to eat ] Mmm.. do you want me to tell you about the Protoid Bowl?

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Merkon: It was a big, big, big upset, my friend.

[ Phone Company Technician begins tossing the sensor rings onto Connie’s cone ]

Connie Conehead: Ohhhh.. ohhhh.. baby, oh baby, oh baby..

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

You’ve Come A Long Way, Buddy

Craig…..Elliot Gould
Ted Meyers…..Dan Aykroyd
Bob Lewis…..Garrett Morris
Roy Matthews…..Bill Murray
Sam Montgomery…..John Belushi

[ Music Open: Beetoven ]

Craig: Good afternoon, and welcome to “You’ve Come A Long WAy, Buddy”, the show for men, by men. We have an all-male staff; our researchers are men, our writers, the producer, even the cameramen are men. Today we have with us.. [ show Roy Matthews ] ..Roy Matthews, of the National Organization of Men.. [ show Bob Lewis ] ..Bob Lewis, of the Black Young Men’s Recreational Center.. [ show Sam Montgomery ] ..Sam Montgomery, who has started a rape hotline.. [ show Ted Meyers ] ..and Ted Meyers, who’s brought with him some paintings, painted by men artists, which are currently on exhibit at the Brothers’ Art Collective Gallery, and we’ve decorated our set with some of these paintings by men.

Ted Meyers: That’s right, Craig. Many men are discouraged as boys from engaging in the arts. They’re called sissies, or other names, and they’re not told about the contribution made by men artists. And at the Brothers’ Collective Art Gallery, we display only art that was made by men.

Craig: Perhaps you could tell us about some of the paintings, Ted.

Ted Meyers: Sure thing, Craig. [ points to van Gogh’s self-portrait ] This is a painting by Vincent van Gogh, a Dutch painter of the nineteenth century, who used colors in a unique way, and influenced many artists. And he was a man.

Craig: Very nice.

Ted Meyers: [ points to “The Last Supper ] This one os by Leonardo Di Vinci. He lived in Italy, and he was very talented in other areas as well, Craig. And he was a man.

Craig: Well, he certainly was a good painter.

Ted Meyers: [ points to Picasso’s “Guernica” ] And this is byPablo Picasso, a modern artist from Spain, who was very original, as you can see. And he was a man.

Craig: Well, thank you, Ted, for bringing these terrific paintings. I think that men in New York should be sure to go down to the Brothers’ Art Collective Gallery. Women, too!

Ted Meyers: That’s right, Craig. Women can enjoy men’s art as well. Also, by the way, Craig, at the gallery, we pipe in music that has been composed by men. And you can enjoy men’s music while enjoying the men’s art.

Craig: Yes, the music we played at the top of the show was from your gallery.

Ted Meyers: hat’s right, that was by Ludwig von Beetoven, an eighteenth century male composer.

Craig: Very nice music, Ted. Thank you.

Ted Meyers: You know, the best chefs in the world are men.

Craig: That’s right, Ted, we had several on the show last week. Now, Bob Lewis, you work up in Harlem wih Black men and boys and deal with their special problems.

Bob Lewis: That’s right, Criag. The Black man has kind of a double negative working against him. He’s Black, and he’s a man. Thee Black man very often is isolated. In Harlem, a Black man leaves his woman and kids for two years, maybe even only one, and very often the family will have moved and be gone when he comes back. The loss of family is a big problem.

Craig: What kind of work do you do with Black young men?

Bob Lewis: Well, the Black young man has kind of a triple negative working against him. He’s Black, he’s young..

Craig: ..and he’s a man.

Bob Lewis: Exactly. Now, the unemployment rate is very high for young Black men, and they have nothing to do, very often, but get in trouble. Now, what we’re doing up in Harlem with the Black Young Man’s Recreational Center is try to give them something to keep their minds and bodies active.

Craig: And what is that, Bob?

Bob Lewis: We’ve started an all male, all-Black basketball league.

Craig: Remember, you heard it first on this show.

Bob Lewis: But we are in need of money, Craig. We have no building, and we have to wait our turn on public courts and play pick-up games.

Craig: Well, good luck to you, Bob.

Bob Lewis: Thanks, CRaig.

Craig: Seated on your right is Roy Matthews from the National Organization of Men (N.O.O.M.), and they’ve opened a bar in New York. Now, is this a bar just for men, Roy?

Roy Matthews: [ amused ] Ah, no, Craig. This is a bar for men and women who are tired of the singles bar scene in New York. You see, the average guy can’t go into a bar and strike up a conversation with an intelligent-looking woman without the woman thinking that the guy is trying to pick her up. This makes it hard for a guy to meet a girl who doesn’t just want to go to bed with him.

Craig: But you’ve created a different atmosphere in your Not Just a.. what is the name of it?

Roy Matthews: Not Just A Meat Rack Bar. It’s a place where men and women can just get together and talk with each other.

Craig: That’s a great idea. How’s it working?

Roy Matthews: Well, unfortunately, we’re having trouble getting women to come in. Evidently, they don’t believe us. So, to attract women, we’re giving them free drinks at happy hour.

Craig: Sounds like a good deal. Good luck to you, Bob.

Roy Matthews: Thanks, Craig.

Craig: Our last guest is Sam Montgomery, who, I understand, has started a twenty-four hour rape hotline.

Sam Montgomery: That’s right, Craig. Almost invariably, a man is very upset after he’s committed a rape, and we give the rapist an opportunity to talk to someone who understands what he’s gone through.

Craig: Do you encourage the rapist to go to the police?

Sam Montgomery: Yes, of course. A big reason why there are so many rapes is that rapists very often do not go to the police.

Craig: Why not?

Sam Montgomery: Well, the police treat the rapist with disrespect; they arrest him; the police psychiatrists, who are often women, ask him embarrassing questions. It’s a humiliating experience.

Craig: I think it’s marvelous what you’re doing. And I believe we have a number the rapist can call twenty-four hours a day..

[ SUPER: “Rape-Rap” ]

There it is. Rape-Rap. 5555-3355.

Sam Montgomery: We’d like to thank the phone company for cooperating by giving us that phone number.

Craig: [ to camera ] So, if you’ve raped someone in the last few days, why don’t you give that number a call?

Sam Montgomery: It’s completely anonymous. And we see that the name is not printed in the paper. Very often, to be known as a rapist is a social stigma, and it can ruin a man’s life.

Craig: And good luck to you, Sam.

Sam Montgomery: Thank you, Craig.

Craig: We’ve run out of time. Thanks, men. Tune in tomorrow, when Mayor Beame talks about micing marriage and a career.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Brezhnev’s NBC Deal

Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Colonel…..Dan Aykroyd
Female Aide…..Gilda Radner
Phil…..Bill Murray
Aide…..Neil Levy
Leonid Brezhnev…..John Belushi

[ open on Herb Goodman at a black-tie conference to meet Leonid Brezhnev ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel? We just ran right in from the affiliate’s dinner, so perhaps we’re not up-to-date on the latest details. What is this about Marshal Brezhnev wanting to back out? I thought we had a deal! The National Broadcasting Company has agreed to pay, in exchange for all videotape rights — visual and sound — to the 1980 Moscow-held Olympics to the Soviet People’s Sports Tribunal, the sum of eighty-million American dollars. Is that right?

Colonel: Good. Plus — I have a plus — plus, the Army of the Soviets gets all videotape recording equipemtn and locations — cameras, lights, trucks, screens.

Phil: [ whispering ] Herb, I’m not sure that’s within the parameters which the NBC Board outlined to us…

Herb Goodman: Phil, this is the greatest deal in the history of television. I’m not gonna blow it over a few lousy minicams.

Female Aide: Gentlemen! Please agree! Marshall Brezhnev will be returning shortly!

Herb Goodman: Okay, Colonel, you’ve got your equipment.

Colonel: Good! Good!

[ an Aide enters ]

Aide: Excuse me. Excuse me. Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the bathroom.

[ Brezhnev enters the room wiping off his pants leg ]

[ everyone takes a seat at a large table ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel, I guess you can tell Marshall Brezhnev that we have a deal?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet!

Colonel: No! He says no deal! He has additional demands.

Phil: [ nervously ] Additional demands? Herb, I thought we covered everything…?

Herb Goodman: Colonel, please correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we already agreed to all of your terms?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

[ Brezhnev uses his finger as a rocket and mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Female Aide: He is saying he will go home and push the —

Herb Goodman: Yes, yes, I think I know what he means. What else can we do for him?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says he would like to see more detailed operation of your network, inside.

Phil: I’ll set up a studio tour for him.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet! Nyet!

Colonel: He wants to be on television.

Herb Goodman: I have no problem with that, Phil.

Phil: When?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: The night before the SALT talks.

Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure Programming would JUMP at that!

Phil: Yeah, but I can foresee some very heavy resistance from Legal on this…

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

[ Brezhnev again mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure we can arrange something. Phil, give Network News a call, maybe he can do an hour with Chancellor.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: No, no, no — no Chancellor!

Female Aide: He says he wants to go to Coast!

Brezhnev: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Colonel: He wants to be on Johnny!

Herb Goodman: Phil, call Freddy in L.A. — tell him to book Soviet Party Leader Brezhnev on Carson.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Female Aide: Wait! Wait! He says he doesn’t want to be on last fifteen minutes of program!

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says… he wants to be on with Johnny! No guest hosts! No David Brenner! No McLean Stevenson!

Female Aide: Is also, he says, he wants special guest: Clint Eastwood!

[ Brezhnev mimes shooting pistols ]

Phil: Herb… you know he could guest host.

Herb Goodman: That’s a GREAT idea, Phil! [ quietly ] Look, we’re in a position here to save the world. [ tp Brezhnev ] YOU on Johnny! Johnny! And heeeeeeeeeeere’s… Leonid!!”

[ Brezhnev hums the “Tonight Show Theme” and mimes swinging Johnny’s invisible golf club ]

Colonel: Good!

Herb Goodman: Well? Well? Well? Do we have a deal?! Do we have a deal?!

Colonel: Good! We’ve got a deal!

[ Brezhnev leans in to translate to his Female Aide ]

Female Aide: Oh! Also… he would very much like to say:

Brezhnev: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

ATM Security Tests

Written by: Alan Zweibel & Dan Aykroyd

Black Man…..Garrett Morris
White Man…..Bill Murray

[ open on art card: “SATNITE: Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Watching Lloyd Dobyns Right Now?” ]

[ dissolve to a huge ATM machine along a bank wall, as two men amble forward ]

Black Man: You jivin’ me now, sucka! There’s no way I’m gonna see any money from you now! This is Saturday night, and all the banks are closed!

White Man: Hey, now, I’m good for it. Don’t press me! I got a 24-hour bank card right here, it’s good for cash any time!

Black Man: Yeah, well, it better work, ’cause if I DON’T collect from you tonight, it’s gonna be bad news for you, SUCKER!!

White Man: Lighten up, man. You’ll get your bread. Now, I use the system all the time. I’ll show ya’. I put the card right in here. [ he pushes his card into the slot ] Now I push the amount of money I owe you. Two-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ]

Black Man: Plus a week’s interest!

White Man: [ he nods ] Four-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And I punch my code number. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And then, uh, the money comes right out here, this little slot. [ he holds his hand out and waits ] Well, usually, it comes right out here. [ nothing ] Well, I don’t know, man. There must be a problem —

[ the screen flashes “Further Info Needed” ]

Black Man: Hey, hey, hey! What’s this, man? What’s this? [ reads ] “Further Info Needed”.

White Man: [ defensive ] I don’t know what’s going on, man, I swear to you I’m not lying! I know it sounds like a ripoff, but it never pulled this before!

[ the screen flashes: “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test” ]

Black Man: Hey! Look! [ reads ] “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test”. What’s..?

White Man: I don’t know, man, this is a bank. You know? They’re so weird, they’re taking over the whole country —

[ the screen flashes: “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c” ]

Black Man: [ points to the screen ] “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c”. What?

[ the screen flashes: “HISTORY: Where is the cradle of civilization? a. WYOMING b. SATURN c. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

[ they read the question together ]

Black Man: Uh, punch C! Mesopotamia!

White Man: Are you sure, man..?

Black Man: Punch C!

White Man: Alright. [ he presses C ]

Black Man: Look, man, Mesopotamia’s in the valley of the Tigris and the Euphrates River in Africa! Yeah!

White Man: Alright, alright, alright…

[ the answer blinks correct ]

Black Man: Look at that, see!

White Man: Alright!

[ the screen flashes: “GEOMETRY: A triangle with equal sides is called: a. ISOCELES b. EQUILATERAL c. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! Come on! More? More?

Black Man: [ reads ] “A triangle with equal sides is called…”

White Man: I used to know this one.

Black Man: Uh… EQUILATERAL!! Punch B! Punch B!

White Man: [ he punches B, as the answer flashes correctly ] Okay! Alright! We’re hot!

[ the screen flashes: “SPORTS: Basketball star Julius Irving is: a. DR. J b. DR. WELBY c. DR. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Oh! Sports! Dr. J! Dr. J! [ he puches A, as the answer flashes correctly ]

Black Man: Okay, now where’s my cash?

White Man: Okay, where’s the cash?

Black Man: Where’s my cash!

White Man: Cash is coming…

[ screen flashes: “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” ]

White Man: [ reading ] “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” Great! Great!

[ screen flashes: “DRIVING TEST” ]

White Man: Driving Test?!

Black Man: You gotta play it their way, man!

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not prepared for a driving test!

Black Man: You GOT to play it, man!

[ the screen turns blue, as a little white dot circles a simulated racetrack ]

White Man: Hold it! There’s no wheel! [ he crashes the white dot into a wall ]

Black Man: AGGGHHHH!!!

White Man: I’m trying! I’m trying! Hey!

[ screen flashes: “DRUNK DRIVER” in scattered letters ]

White Man: Well, that hurts a little bit, man. I’m sorry.

[ screen flashes: “TESTS COMPLETED WITHDRAW MONEY FROM DISPENSER” ]

[ they read the screen together ]

White Man: Okay! Alright! Let’s go! [ he whistles ]

Black Man: [ reading the screen ] “Data source… currency exchange… bulletin…”

White Man: “Urgent bulletin…”

Black Man: “As of April 1977… U.S. Treasury acknowledged legal tender… changed from existing federal reserve… paper currency to headcheese.” Headcheese?

White Man: Headcheese?

[ full screen bulletin appears, as they read it together ]

Black Man: “Effective immediately…”

White Man: “Headcheese to replace the federal reserve notes!”

[ screen reads: “HEADCHEESE STANDARD NOW EFFECTIVE” ]

Black Man: Man! I can’t STAND headcheese!! You know what’s in that stuff, man? You NEVER know what’s in that stuff sometimes!

White Man: “Headcheese Standard Now Effective”?

Black Man: Oh, come on!

[ head cheese begins to dispense from the ATM ]

White Man: Well, here it comes…

Black Man: Ohhhhh, no!!

White Man: I’m sorry, man. Now, don’t get down on ME!! It’s the government, it’s not MY fault!

Black Man: Four-hundred dollars, man! Four-hndred dollars! [ he collects his headcheese with great disappointment ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Will Cherish This Moment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 16th, 1977

Elliot Gould

Kate & Anna McGarrigle

Roslyn Kind

None

None

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore
Brezhnev’s NBC DealSummary: Leonid Brezhnev (John Belushi) finagles NBC President Herb Goodman (Elliot Gould) for a guest appearance on “The Tonight Show.”

Recurring Characters: Herb Goodman.

Transcript

Montage

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliot Gould, John Belushi and Bill Murray sing and perform the old dance craze, “The Castration Walk.”

Transcript

The Coneheads At HomeSummary: A telephone technician (Elliot Gould) installs 35 phone lines in the Conehead home and makes out with Connie (Laraine Newman), as Merkon (Garrett Morris) arrives from Remulak to check in on the family.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Merkon.

Transcript

Kate & Anna McGarrigle perform “Kiss & Say Goodbye”

You’ve Come A Long Way, BuddySummary: A group of men discuss the issues affecting men today.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Bill Murray speaks in sexual metaphors while delivering a commentary on an anti-porn rally. Laraine Newman interviews Howdy Doody’s widow, Debbie Doody (Gilda Radner). John Belushi illustrates different types of weather as a service to shut-ins.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Doody.

Transcript

Nick “Summers”Summary: Nick the Lounge Singer (Bill Murray) works the crowd at a vacation resort.

Recurring Characters: Nick, Jimmy Joe Red Sky, Shelley.

Transcript

United Face BankSummary: Joan Crawford (Jane Curtin) solicits donations for faceless folks like football star Eldo Johnson (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Joan Crawford.

Transcript

Sports FightSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, patriotic music plays over footage of a sports fight.

Kate & Anna McGarrigle perform “Heart Like a Wheel”

ATM Security TestsSummary: White man (Bill Murray) tries to pay Black Man (Garrett Morris) through his bank’s ATM machine, but must first endure a series of security tests.

Transcript

Natural Causes RestaurantSummary: Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe’s (Laraine Newman) restaurant only serves animals that died of natural causes.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Sunset.

Transcript

Roslyn Kind performs “I’m Not Anyone”

Puppet AffairSummary: A viewer film features a man’s wife having an affair with a toy clown.

Pilson’s Feedbag DinnersSummary: Chevy Chase endorses the dinners for people who are always on the go.

Note: Repeat from 11/27/76.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 18

76r: Julian Bond / Tom Waits, Brick

Alabama Improvements

George Wallace…..John Belushi

[ open on George Wallace seated in his wheelchair before a Confederate flag which hangs on his office wall ]

George Wallace: Hi. I’m George Wallace. Here to talk to you about the New South. You know, we here at Alabama have… been called a lot of names. Rubes… hicks… hayseeds… rednecks… crackers… yahoos… clodhoppers… mudkickers… hogwits… dogbrains… donkeyheads… manureminds… All based on some out-of-date stereotype image of the South. Now, that ended some… ten or fifteen years ago. Take this sign, for instance:

[ he holds up a sign which reads: “For Coloreds Only” ]

A symbol of white racism and oppression. I always get a big bang… out of all them Northern tourists who come to Birmingham and expect to see these here signs hanging fro mevery drinking fountain. Of course, we took these signs down in 1966… and replaced them with this sign: [ he holds up a sign of a black person in silhoette with a red line across it ] Now… now, you can see the difference for yourself. It’s clean, it’s modern… it’s to the point.

Or, consider this bumper sticker, so popular with the younger folks: [ he holds up the bumper ticker ] “Warning! I Brake for Negroes” Just another example of the increased respect Black-Americans are getting here, in the heart of Dixie.

You know, the election of Jimmy Carter heralds a new era, an era of increasing awareness of the South as a vital, important part of America’s future. Alabama welcomes this era… and it’s high time the rest of the nation stopped thinking of us as some jerkwater state where Negroes are forced to ride in the backs of buses. We’re making progress. Now… Negroes are forced to ride in the back of everything from jet planes to monorails, and, someday, God willing, even rockets to the moon.

Thank y’all.

[ dissolve to wide audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Takes Showers In The Dark” ]

SNL Transcripts