Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Garrett Takes the Fall

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Chevy Chase
…..Garrett Morris

[FADE IN on Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin sitting at a restaurant table onstage. Dan wears sunglasses while Jane smiles sweetly at him.]

Dan Aykroyd: [in heavy European accent] And so that is why I feel so STRONGLY about you. [raises a long matchstick toward stage right] Waiter?

[ENTER Garrett Morris from the left and Chevy Chase from the right. Both are carrying trays of plastic food and dressed as waiters with white shirts and black bow ties.]

Chevy Chase: Hold it. Garrett, what are you doing?

Garrett Morris: Look, man, look. Richard Pryor said–

Chevy Chase: Garrett, we’re on the air now.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I know, man, but listen–

Chevy Chase: It’s the opening.

Garrett Morris: I know. Richard Pryor’s here tonight, and I thought that I would open the show, I mean, do the fall.

Chevy Chase: [stares at Garrett] I ALWAYS open the show. Is it understood?

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, hey, look–

Chevy Chase: I do the fall, and I say, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” It’s my trademark.

Garrett Morris: Look, Chevy, Richard TOLD me to open the SHOW–

Chevy Chase: It’s not Richard’s show. Richard’s just the guest host.

Garrett Morris: Wait.

[Garrett leans toward Chevy’s ear and says something unintelligible. Chevy puts a hand on his hip and chuckles.]

Chevy Chase: Richard and what army, fella?

Garrett Morris: Hey, man…

[Garrett leans toward Chevy’s again and speaks softly]

Chevy Chase: THAT army. All right, all right, do the fall, you do the fall, all right?

Garrett Morris: Dig, dig the fall, man.

[Garrett neatly drops his tray on the floor and stretches out gracefully behind it.]

Garrett Morris: Something like that, you know… LIVE!!

Chevy Chase: Garrett–

Garrett Morris: From New–

Chevy Chase: Garrett! Stand up a minute. Stand up.

[Garrett gets back to his feet.]

Chevy Chase: The whole point of the fall is to look like you hurt yourself, so when you say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night,” it looks like you just killed yourself, and they say, “Geez, what a great fall, the guy’s really hurt, and then he’s all right!” That’s the point, okay?

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay.

[Garrett picks his tray back up while Chevy steps aside.]

Chevy Chase: I’ll do one for you, all right?

Garrett Morris: All right, you do one, you do one.

Chevy Chase: I’ll do the line.

Garrett Morris: We don’t have much time, man. Hurry up.

Chevy Chase: Once, all right?

Garrett Morris: Hurry up, man.

[Chevy walks off to the right while Garrett stands behind the table.]

Chevy Chase: I want you to understand how this is done. Uh, Danny, you wanna start it?

Dan Aykroyd: [in heavy European accent] And that is why I feel so STRONGLY about you. [raises matchstick] Waiter?

[Chevy comes in, pretends to trip, and falls straight over the table. He knocks it down, tossing everything onto the floor, and sprawls flat on his back. Garrett runs to Chevy, bends over him, and shakes him gently as if trying to revive him. Chevy lies motionless as Garrett looks up into the camera and grins.]

Garrett Morris: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Exorcist II

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Father Merrin…..Thalmus Rusalala
Father Karras…..Richard Pryor
Regan…..Laraine Newman

[ Father Merrin and Father Karras enter Regan’s room and find her lying on her bed, possessed with evil spirits ]

Father Merrin: We have nothing to worry about.

Father Karras: [ trying to convince himself ] Nothing to worry about.

Father Merrin: Let’s talk to the child.

Father Karras: Yes, let’s talk to the child.

[ Father Merrin leans against Regan, who breathes heavily onto him, sending both priests reeling back ]

Father Merrin: You mustn’t listen to anything she has to say.

Father Karras: [ scared ] I’m not listening!

Regan: [ menacing ] You’re a liar, and a cheater, and a child molester! You french-kiss your dog in the mouth![ the bed starts to rise ]

Father Merrin: Stop the bed!

Father Karras: [ repeating ] Stop the bed!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Karras: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Karras: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

[ bed lands on top of Father Karras’ foor ]

Father Karras: [ screaming in agony ] The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot..! Oh, Father, the bed.. is on.. my foot!

Father Merrin: [ getting weak, stops exorcising ] You must continue, Father. I must rest.. [ exits bedroom ]

Father Karras: [ on floor in pain ] You must rest?! The bed.. is on.. my foot!

Regan: [ parting from trance ] Oh, Father Karras, I’m ever so hungry. Couldn’t you give me some pea soup? It’s right over there.

Father Karras: [ still in pain ] The bed.. is on.. my foot!

Regan: Oh, jeepers, I’m sorry.. [ makes bed lift off of Father Karras’ foot ]

Father Karras: Oh, thank you, little girl.. [ relieved ] You’re such a nice little girl, I knew it all the time. Here’s your pea soup. [ hands her the soup ] Maybe now we can be friends? What do you say? [ Regan tosses the soup in his face ]

Regan: [ menacing ] Suck-er!

Father Karras: [ stunned ]

Regan: Oh, Father Karras, I’m ever so sorry. Let’s make up. [ reaches for vase on the nightstand ] Here, have a flower. [ holds flower to him ]

Father Karras: Oh, what a sweet gesture. You’re a sweet little girl. [ Regan smashes the vase over his head ]

Regan: [ meanacing ] Jive tur-key!

Father Karras: [ to himself ] I have faith. I have faith. [ turns to Regan ] You’re such a little girl..

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mother eats kitty litter!

Father Karras: [ not sure he heard what he heard ] Say what?

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama eats kitty litter!

Father Karras: [ lunges for Regan’s throat ] Hey, nobody talks about my Mama! [ chokes Regan ]

Father Merrin: [ rushing in ] Father! What are you doing? She’s just an innocent little girl!

Father Karras: She’s talking about my Mama!

Regan: [ waking up ] Oh, Father! Thank goodness you’re here! He was hurting me!

Father Merrin: [ comforting ] Yes.

Father Karras: [ upset ] I’m gonna kill you, if you say anything about my Mama!

Father Merrin: She’s just an innocent child.

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama sews socks that smell!

Father Merrin: Uh, what did you say, little girl?

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama sews socks.. that smell!

[ Father Merrin immediate chokes Regan’s throat ]

Father Karras: [ grabbing Father Merrin’s shoulders ] Father, Father, Father, please! Let me help you!

[ Father Merrin and Father Karras both choke Regan as the scene ends ]

[ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Loungewear For The Dead” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Albert Brooks Film

…..Albert Brooks

[Albert Brooks’ bedroom. An unshaven Brooks, wearing ablue bathrobe, turns on the camera, backs away fromthe lens and crawls into bed, under the covers. On thewall behind him are a calendar, a novelty newspaperwith the headline LIZ AND DICK DINE WITH AL BROOKS,career memorabilia, etc. He lies there and addressesthe camera.]

Albert Brooks: Hello. I’m sick this week. And, uh, Iapologize because I know that most people like actionmovies but, uh, I – I can give you some action. [holdsup remote control and pushes buttons that causes thecamera to slowly zoom in and out] I have this remotecontrol zoom device that can bring the lens back andforth. I can’t move the camera, this time, from sideto side because I don’t have a crew here. I wouldn’tinfect twelve people for any movie. [zooms all the wayinto his forehead] Yeah, but the zoom is effective’cuz a lot of times, uh, without raising your voiceyou can make your voice seem to grow louder when youwant to make a point – when you bring it in tight.[zooms out to a wide shot of the room] And then, onceyou’re in, after you’ve made your point, you can comeback out. So, I’ll use this at my discretion. [picksup a speaker phone] I also have, uh, on the speakerphone a guest with me this evening. This is DoctorJoseph Shuster. Dr. Shuster, can you hear me?

Doctor: Yes.

Albert Brooks: All right. This is my physician. Wouldyou tell them now what you told me two days ago?

Doctor: All right, I’ll – I’ll try to put it inlayman’s language as much as I can, Mr. Brooks.

Albert Brooks: [holds up a black and white photo of adistinguished man in a suit and tie] Dr. Shuster.[zooms in on the photo as the doctor speaks]

Doctor: Basically, you’re overworked. Uh, I don’t knowmuch about the motion picture business but it seems tome that, er, you’re doing the work of about thirtypeople. Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been able to dowhat you’ve done so far.

Albert Brooks: [turns the photo and speaks to it] Uh,thirty people?

Doctor: Yes.

Albert Brooks: [puts photo down, zooms out] All right,uh, have you been able to see any of my other films?

Doctor: Yes, I have and, uh, it’s a miracle you’restill alive.

Albert Brooks: [smiles] That’s very nice. Thank you,Dr. Shuster. Let me ask you one more question.

Doctor: Mm hmm.

Albert Brooks: Uh, I have one film left in thispresent contract. When do you think that–?

Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.

Albert Brooks: You what?

Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.

Albert Brooks: Well, it’s not a matter of would orwouldn’t. I have to do it because it’s a contract.

Doctor: I wouldn’t do it.

Albert Brooks: Well, all right, now. That’s Dr.Shuster saying that. [holds up photo again] Youwouldn’t do it under any circumstances?

Doctor: No, sir, I would not.

Albert Brooks: All right, well, apparently, uh –[doorbell buzzes, calls out] Yes?! [to the speakerphone] Wait. [calls out] What?!

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!

Doctor: Hello?

Albert Brooks: [to the speaker phone] No, it’s thedoor. [calls out] What?!

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Broasted chicken!

Albert Brooks: [puts photo down] Can you let yourselfin?! I’m sick! [to the speaker phone] It’s broastedchicken, Dr. Shuster.

Doctor: Oh, fine.

Albert Brooks: Uh, I thank you very much for joiningme this evening.

Doctor: All right, you’re welcome.

Albert Brooks: And, uh, I’ll be in … [Shuster hangsup abruptly, dial tone] … a little bit later.[disconnects phone]

Delivery Boy: [off screen, hands package to Brooks]Here’s your chicken.

Albert Brooks: Thanks. [turns to put package on nearby table]

Delivery Boy: [leans into view, peers into camera]Whatcha makin’?

Albert Brooks: Makin’ a movie.

Delivery Boy: Oh, yeah? Where’s the girl?

Albert Brooks: [upset] Get away from there, would ya?Get away. [pushes boy out of view, covers lens withhand] It’s all right, the girl’ll be here later. Juststay out of the camera, okay? [backs away from lens,crawls back into bed] ‘Cause, I have to pay you a lotof money if not. How much do I owe you for thechicken?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Three ninety-nine.

Albert Brooks: Okay. [coughs, pulls crumpled billsfrom a coffee mug, hands it to boy] Here’s fourdollars. Let’s see, this’ll be “props” — broastedchicken. [holds package up to the camera] Let me havethe receipt. Okay. [puts receipt and package away] Whydo they call this stuff “broasted,” do you know?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don’t know.

Albert Brooks: A lady at the place told me they’resupposed to use less fat when they fry broasted thanregular. [holds up a piece of chicken] But here’sbroasted I got this morning and here’s regular I hadlast night. [holds up another piece of chicken] Itlooks like the same amount of fat, doesn’t it?

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I don’t know.

Albert Brooks: I mean, why do – why should I even eatthis? If I put it right over my heart, it’ll get therefaster, won’t it? [puts this morning’s chicken on hishairy chest]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] You’re Albert Brooks,aren’tcha?!

Albert Brooks: [looks at boy, pleased to berecognized] Yes. Yes, I am. [puts the chicken away]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Man, I really like your newrecord — it’s great.

Albert Brooks: Ohh, well, that’s very, very nice.[zooms out wide] Uh, what record are you talkin’about?

[The boy’s arm comes into view – in his hand is a copyof Brooks’ Grammy-nominated comedy album “A Star isBought” – the boy mentions the title and the recordcompany but the names are bleeped out:]

Delivery Boy: A [bleep] on [bleep] Records and Tapes.[withdraws the album]

Albert Brooks: Oh, yes. Thank you, that’s very, verynice. [zoom in a little]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why don’t more people knowabout it?

Albert Brooks: I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Why doesn’t your recordcompany take out ads?

Albert Brooks: I don’t know. I don’t know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] I mean, what do they do,spend all their money promotin’ the Eagles?

Albert Brooks: I don’t know.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Well, that’s too bad.[sneezes] It’s sure a great album.

Albert Brooks: That’s all right. Thank you. That’svery, very nice. That makes me feel better. Say – sayhello, will ya? [zooms out] You can say hello, goahead.

Delivery Boy: [sticks his head in and smiles intocamera] Hello!

Albert Brooks: Okay. [points] Let yourself out. [boyleaves] Thank you. [zooms in]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Sure.

Albert Brooks: [to the camera] Well, that makes mefeel a little better. I have a minute left and, uh–

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Oh, a friend of mine wantedme to ask …!

Albert Brooks: Yeah?! [leans over and out of view asthe camera zooms in tight on the wall behind the bed]

Delivery Boy: [off screen] What’s the catalogue numberon that?

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Oh, tell your friend hedoesn’t need the catalogue number. Just ask for[bleep] on [bleep] Records. Tell him it makes a greatHanukkah gift.

Delivery Boy: [off screen] Right on!

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Okay! [leans back intoview, zooms out, addresses the camera] I’m just aboutthrough here tonight. Before I go, I’d like to say onething. You know, making film is a cooperative effort.It takes a lot of people who are willing to put outgood work. There’s been one gentleman who works at avery large film processing house here in Los Angeles.I asked him to watch tonight. He’s never put out goodwork. I’m not gonna mention his name. Oh, yes, I will.Jack Stanton is his name. Now, from the very beginningof these films, he’s the man who says, “They’ll neversee it. They’ll never see it.” You say to him, “Jack,it’s too red.” “They’ll never see it.” “It’s toogreen.” “They’ll never see it.” [zooms out wide] Well,you know something? Maybe you’re right, Jack. Maybethey’ll never see it. But if they’ll never see it, I’msure they’ll never see this either, Jack. [holds up alarge white posterboard with barely visible textwritten in red magic marker that reads: “YOU ARE THEUGLIEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED YOU STUPID JERK” – after apause, he puts the poster down] I’ll see you again inthree weeks. [zooms in slightly] I hope to be betterby that time. I for– [coughs] I– [coughs harder] Ican’t talk. [crawls out of bed toward camera, coughinghorrifically] Oh, no! [coughing into the lens, hisface fills the screen as he shuts off the camera, thusending the film]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:







A Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:











Guest Writer:

December 13th, 1975

Richard Pryor

Gil Scott-Heron

Annazette Chase

The Muppets

Thalmus Rasalula

Shelley Pryor

Albert Brooks

None

Neil Levy

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Kathy McKee

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Paul Mooney
Garrett Takes The FallSummary: Due to a special request by Richard Pryor, Garrett Morris does the fall in a restaurant scene instead of Chevy Chase.

Transcript

Montage

Richard Pryor’s MonologueSummary: Richard Pryor performs a stand-up routine about being drunk in a bar.

Bio: Known for his profanity-laced comedy routines, Richard Pryor (1940-2005) also wrote material for TV series like “The Flip Wilson Show” and “Sanford and Son” and films like “Blazing Saddles.” In 1977, NBC gave him his own short-lived variety series, “The Richard Pryor Show.”

Note: Because of Pryor’s use of obscenities in his performances, censors put the show on a 7-second delay.

Note: In order to get Pryor to host SNL, Lorne Michaels had to agree to let Gil-Scott Heron, Thalmus Rasulala and Pryor’s ex-wife Shelley also perform on the show. Said Michaels later about these stipulations, “He better be funny.”

Transcript

Samurai HotelSummary: All a traveler(Chevy Chase) wants is a room for the night, so desk clerk Futaba (John Belushi) engages in a swordfight with his bellboy (Richard Pryor) to get the job done.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Note: At the end of the sketch, Futaba speaks the only line of English he’ll ever utter throughout the Samurai’s run.

Transcript

Gil Scott-Heron performs “Johannesburg”Bio: The jazz-based R&B stylings of Gil Scott-Heron (1949-) helped to influence rap music.

Looks At BooksSummary: Junior Griffin (Richard Pryor) tells Jane Curtin all about his experience disguised as a white man.

Transcript

New DadSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Police Line Up ISummary: A rigged police line-up points to a handcuffed black man (Richard Pryor) as the definite offender.

Transcript

Racist Word Association InterviewSummary: A black man (Richard Pryor) being interviewed for a janitor’s position endures a word association quiz with the Human Resources officer (Chevy Chase), and it quickly turns ugly.

Transcript

PongSummary: Al Franken talks about a rough hockey outing during a game of Pong with Tom Davis.

Transcript

Black TakeoverSummary: Paranoid that the blacks are taking over, a suburban dad (Dan Aykroyd) fails to realize his family’s transformation at the dinner table.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) gives an editorial response against “busting” schoolchildren. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Transcript

Spud BeerSummary: The perfect brew following your electroshock therapy.

Note: Repeat from 11/22/75.

Police Line Up IISummary: A rigged police line-up that includes a nun (Jane Curtin), a duck, and an icebox points to a black man (Richard Pryor) as the definite offender.

Transcript

Suicide PillSummary: While being told about its destructive power, a Major (Richard Pryor) accidentally swallows the suicide pill.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Ploobis & Scred visit The Mighty Favog while drunk.

Transcript

Police Line Up IIISummary: A rigged police line-up that includes a line of policemen points to a black man (Richard Pryor) as the definite offender.

Transcript

Exorcist IISummary: Father Merrin (Thalmus Rasulala) and Father Karras (Richard Pryor) don’t react favorably when possessed Regan (Laraine Newman) badmouths their mamas.

Bio: Thalmus Rasulala (1939-91) appeared in various blaxplotation films of the 70’s. Richard Pryor requested his appearance on SNL, as one of the conditions for getting him to host.

Transcript

Albert Brooks FilmSummary: Albert Brooks lays out his agenda from his sickbed.

Transcript

Kennedy AssassinationSummary: An audience member (Tom Schiller) is shot when he alleges his own Kennedy assassination conspiracy.

Transcript

Richard Pryor Stand-UpSummary: Richard Pryor performs stand-up about a heroin addict being mentored by a wino.

Transcript

Shelley PryorSummary: Shelly Pryor tells a story about carousel horses.

Bio: Shelley Pryor was married to Richard Pryor between 1967-69.

Transcript

Gil Scott-Heron performs “A Lovely Day”Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…Chevy Chase
…Garrett Morris

[SFX Teletype. Chevy picks up the phone during Don Pardo’s introduction]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.

[Chevy dials the rotary phone, waits a few seconds for an answer, then hangs up]

Chevy Chase: Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, “Boy, I’m sure glad I’m not foreign.”

[Chroma-key screen shows a picture of a pair of hands, one stabbing the other with a fork. The stabbed hand is circled, and the word “SIMULATION” appears underneath]

Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

Former Governor of California Ronald Reagan formally announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination Wednesday. Reagan stated, quote, “I haven’t lost my looks yet, and I’m still as knowledgeable on foreign affairs as I was when I was narrating Death Valley Days.”

Meanwhile in Miami, a man tried to attack Reagan with a fake pistol a few short hours after the announcement. Reagan said he was not shaken, but later, he about-faced on an issue that he strongly opposed for years, calling for strenuous toy gun control legislation.

Well, after a long illness, Generalissimo Francisco Franco died Wednesday. Reactions from world leaders were varied. Held in contempt as the last of the fascist dictators in the West by some, he was also eulogized by others, among them Richard Nixon, who said, quote “General Franco was a loyal friend and ally of the United States. He earned worldwide respect for Spain through firmness and fairness.” Despite Franco’s death and an expected burial tomorrow, doctors say the dictator’s health has taken a turn for the worse.

[Screen shows photo of a man loading a mortar round into a cannon]

Ex-heavyweight champion Joe Louis, the Brown Bomber, proved he still has the fastest hands in the business by catching a live mortar round in mid-air.

The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of Ironsides. [Mixed laughter and groans from the audience]

After seven years in exile, author and black leader Eldridge Cleaver returned to the United States Thursday to face federal charges. Cleaver stated to the surprise of many that he wants to celebrate the bicentennial of his country. Calling his book Soul On Ice merely a practical joke, the author says that the future of America’s black movement is in the Kiwanis and Rotary clubs now.

[Screen shows “Still to come” graphic with pictures of people on fire jumping into water]

Still to come: Jerry Ford has a barbecue, after this filmed message.

[Applause. Dissolve to “Spud Beer” commercial.]

[dissolve back on close-up of Spud Beer can on Weekend Update desk. Camera pans back to show Chevy holding the can]

Chevy Chase: Spud Beer. I drink it, and it’s very unusual [opens can] for a newsman to make an issue out of a good beer. But I drink it, and I pour it on my suit. [He pours a bit on his suit] Strange, isn’t it? [Sets can aside]

A final humorous note: Cartoonist Charles Schulz announced today that he plans to create another character for his popular comic strick, comic st — toy boat, toy boat — comic strip Peanuts, famous for such personalities as Snoopy and Woodstock. [Screen shows picture of Peanuts’ yellow bird Woodstock wearing Nazi uniform] According to Schulz, he will replace Woodstock with a bird named Altamont, who will beat the other birds to death with a pool cue.

And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris.

[Garrett appears in a “circle wipe” in the upper-left corner of the screen. He shouts the top story seconds after Chevy reads the words.]

Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris: Our top story tonight: The Senate confirms that the CIA has been involved in several assassination plots on foreign leaders.

Garrett Morris: …SEVERAL ASSASSINATION PLOTS AGAINST FOREIGN LEADERS! AND THAT’S THE NEWS!

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant…tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!

[applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin & Howard Shore’s All-Nurse SNL Band perform “St. James Infirmary”

…..Lily Tomlin
…..Howard Shore
…..SNL Band

[ Lily Tomlin sits atop Paul Shaffer’s piano. The SNL band, all dressed in white like nurses, surround the stage ]

Lily Tomlin: It gives me great pleasure to introduce, for the first time anywhere, never seen on television, the “Saturday Night” orchestra, Howard Shore and his All-Nurse Band. This is head nurse Howard Shore.

[ Howard Shore enters scene ]

Howard Shore: “St. James Infirmary”?

Lily Tomlin: What did you say?

Howard Shore: “St. James Infirmary”?

Lily Tomlin: Suits me.

[ band begins to play ]

Lily Tomlin: [ singing ]
“When will I ever stop moaning
When will I ever smile?
My baby went and left me
He’ll be gone a long, long while.

I felt so blue and heartbroken
What am I living for?
My baby went and left me
Never to come back no more.”

Band Members:
“Heart, heart, heart!
Got you, Pappy
Heart, heart, heart!
Mammy, too.
Heart, heart, heart!
Got your baby
Heart, heart, heart!
Gonna get you.”

Lily Tomlin:
“I went down to St. James Infirmary
I heard my baby groan.
I felt so broken-hearted
He used to be my own.”

Howard Shore:
“Let him go, let him go, God bless him
Whatever he may do.
He can look this wide world over
And he won’t ever find a sweet gal like you.”

Band Members:
“Heart, heart, heart!
Got you, Pappy
Heart, heart, heart!
Mammy, too.
Heart, heart, heart!
Got your baby
Heart, heart, heart!
Gonna get you.”

Lily Tomlin:
“I tried to keep from crying
My heart felt just like lead.
He was all I had to live for
I wish that it was me instead.”

All Together:
“St. James Infirmary!
St. James Infirmary!”

[ SUPER: “Coming up Next… Juan Corona Remembers” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Spud Beer

[Open on interior of hospital room. A patient is led into the room by nurses]

Announcer: You’ve just had a heavy session of electroshock therapy, and you’re more relaxed than you’ve been in weeks. [Patient climbs into bed] All those childhood traumas magically wiped away, along with most of your personality. Now is the time, time for Spud. [Nurse wheels in bucket with cans of Spud Beer]

Singers: Ohhhhh, Spud!

Announcer: Filled with the full, rich flavor of potatoes. [Patients begin smiling] Spud, the beer brewed for people who can’t taste the difference.

[Patients and nurses open cans of Spud]

Singers:
“When you say Spud, just put your mind on hold.
Do what you’re told, and open a cold,
Refreshing Spud. Just watch your life go by.
No need to try. When you’ve got Spud.”Ohhhhh Spud!”

Announcer: Spud, the beer that made Boise famous.

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Speed

Housewife…..Anne Beatts

Announcer: Meet Ellen Sherman, Cleveland housewife and mother.

Housewife: Hi! I’m a nuclear physicist and commissioner of consumer affairs. In my spare time I do needlepoint, read, sculpt, take riding lessons and brush up on my knowledge of current events. Thursday is my day at the day care center and then there’s my work with the deaf but I still have time left over to do all my own baking and practice my backhand even though I’m on call 24 hours a day as a legal aide (fades out)

Announcer: How does Ellen Sherman do it all? She’s smart. She takes Speed! The tiny blue diet pill you don’t have to be overweight to need.

Housewife: And then I collect these paper bags and I have them right here, all folded and everything, in case anyone needs a paper bag I have one (fades out)

Announcer: Yes, Speed.

Housewife: (fades in) ‘cause I fold them neatly you know, I don’t fold them just any old way (fades out)

Announcer: Why not ask your family doctor for a prescription today? And when that runs out, you can ask your neighbor’s doctor. And your mother’s doctor. And your college roommate’s doctor. And your best friend from high school’s doctor. And your babysitter’s doctor . . . (fades out)

Submitted by: Lisa Kemper

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

The Muppets

Announcer: Come with us now, from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland. From the rotting forest to the stagnant mudflaps. To the Land of Gorch!

[ King Ploobis is slurping out of a bowl. ]

King Ploobis: Mmmm. Scred? Where’s Scred? There’s glitches in my milk. I had to milk the damn gorkon myself. Where’s Scred?

[ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet. ]

Peuta: I don’t know where he is! I’ve been looking for him all morning. He was supposed to give me an impermanent, you know. You know, dear, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he had left.

King Ploobis: Left? What do you mean by that?

Peuta: Well, he’s been going around all week with this faraway look in his eyes… and he keeps singing the most sappy, ridiculous songs to himself! I think he’s in love.

King Ploobis: Scred? In love?

Peuta: Mmm hmmm.

King Ploobis: But the last time he fell in love was when he went head over heels for Fran Allison. Remember that? He formed the Gorch chapter of the Kukla, Fran and Ollie club.

Peuta: Hah hah. Yes, that’s right — he was gone for a week when he went to New York to try and get on her show!

King Ploobis: Wait a minute. You don’t suppose… Grrrurrrhhh. Come with me. We’ll check out his place.

Peuta: That’s a good idea.

King Ploobis: Yes, it’s right over here. Yeah. See this, this crater right here — that’s where he lives. Now, you get down there, see, you’re small enough… [ Ploobis pushes Peuta down into Scred’s crater. ] Whoops! I’ll push… Get down there… You down there?

Peuta: [ down there: ] Yeah, I’m down here — but what a mess! I’ve never seen such a thing! [ She clatters around. ] I’m trying to see what I can find — Ah HAH! What’s this, hanging over his bed?

King Ploobis: What’s that? Grrrurrrhh! [ Peuta passes a framed photo up to Ploobis. ] It’s a picture of Lily Tomlin!

Peuta: I’ll see what else I can find… uh oh! And what’s this in his waste basket? [ She passes another photo up. ]

King Ploobis: What’s that? Why — it’s his old picture of Fran Allison!

Peuta: Ah hah! I’ll see if I can find any more clues in this rubble. Let me see, let me see… ah hah, Ploobis, I think I’ve found it! Look what was lying on his writing desk! [ She tosses up a crumpled piece of paper. ]

King Ploobis: Well, it’s, uh… looks like the first draft of a letter to Lily Tomlin!

[ Peuta pops up from the crater and reads the letter over Ploobis’ shoulder. ]

King Ploobis: It says: “Dear Lily Tomlin: I have watched with enchantment your beautiful image, when I can sneak away from my loathsome, degrading, filthy job.”

[ Peuta gasps. ]

Peuta: Read on, read on.

King Ploobis: Yes. It says: “mi amore enchante, je t’aime, je t’aime.” Hunnhh. It says: “PS, Be mine tonight, your slave in love, Scred.” And then down at the bottom, it says, “PS, X X X X.”

Peuta: Oh! He’s in love with Lily Tomlin!

King Ploobis: Grrrunnhh. She has my sympathies.

[ Cut to: Scred cuddling up with Lily Tomlin, onstage in front of a black background. Lily is sitting on a stool, with Scred next to her. Scred puts his arm around her. ]

Scred: Lily?

Lily Tomlin: Yes?

Scred: I’ve tried in so many little ways all week to tell you what a gas it’s been to hang out with you.

Lily Tomlin: Oh, yes you have, and I’ve enjoyed it myself, Scred. Um. It’s just that… it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…

Scred: Oh?

Lily Tomlin: Uh… well, it’s…

Scred: Spit it out! Spit it out!

Lily Tomlin: Okay.

Scred: No secrets, Lily.

Lily Tomlin: No, no secrets. Um — I hope… I want you to understand… that it’s, uh… well, it’s difficult… not that I don’t like you a lot… but it’s difficult for a woman in my position…

Scred: Yes, yes?

Lily Tomlin: To, um, well, to have my name linked romantically with a puppet.

Scred: Ohhhhh! Hey, that’s no problem! Yeah, I feel the same way.

Lily Tomlin: Well, thanks.

[ Music starts… ]

Scred: Yeah! We should keep it light! Easy.

Lily Tomlin: Well, thank you, Scred.

[ Lily starts to sing. ]

Lily Tomlin:
“They say we’re young, and we don’t know
We won’t find out until we grow.”

Scred:
“Yeah, but I don’t know if all that’s true,
Cause you’ve got me, and baby, I got you!”

Lily & Scred:
“Babe — I got you, babe!
I got you, babe!”

Lily Tomlin: “I got flowers in the spring.”

Scred: “Yeah! And I got you to wear my ring.”

Lily Tomlin: “And when I’m sad, you’re a clown!”

Scred:
“And if I get scared…
You’re always around!”

Lily Tomlin:
“So let them say your hair’s too long
I don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong.”

Scred:
“Oh, Lily — Put your little hand in mine
There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb!”

Lily & Scred:
“Babe — I got you, babe!
I got you, babe!”

Lily Tomlin: [ hugs Scred close and whispers ] “I got you, babe!”

Scred: [ whispers in Lily’s ear ] “I got you, babe!”

[ Scred produces a single red rose, which he hands to Lily. She’s delighted. ]

Lily Tomlin: Ohh! Scred, thank you.

Scred: Oh, Lily…

Lily Tomlin: Thank you…

[ They snuggle as the music ends. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

…Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin: [ screams ] Well, thank you all a lot! And welome to the show. We’re excited tonight to show this pageant to you. It’s something that’s inside our bodies, and it just wants to get out! I’m especially excited to be back here in New York, because when you’re here, you know, there’s just so many impressions and so many impulses that greet you and meet you. In fact, so many, that, very often I just feel bound to write them down in my notebook, which I have concealed here very cleverly in my armpit! [ reaches in blouse and pulls out notebook ] And, um.. I thought I’d read them to you:

“I wonder what it would be like if we all became what we wanted to be when we grew up? I mean, imagine a world filled with nothing but firemen, cowboys, nurses and ballerinas.”

“I’ve decided that New York is always knowing where your purse is.”

“And I’ll tell you something else – I resent losing the Ozone Layer just so we cna have Pam.”

“Have you ever actually seen someone laughing all the way to the bank?”

“Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?” [ audience applauds wildly ] Why, this audience is filled with a bunch of little freaks!

“Being a New Yorker is never having to say you’re sorry.”

“How come when you’re last in a line that isn’t moving, and someone comes and stands behind you, you fell a lot better?”

And, most important of all: “Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who roam the streets of New York, talking to themselves, were paired off so that they could walk around in couples and look like they’re having a conversation?”

I’ll tell you – I wanted to do a cheer for New York, while I’m here. [ snapping fingers ] And.. this is the composition that comes to mind:

“Cheer up, New York, ’cause you’re okay
Though the President says you won’t last another day.
I’m here to say you’re here to stay
And mention, by the way, if I may
You got the greatest culture, symphonies and plays
Also shopping, eating, meeting places and subways
Take pride in yourself, you could be Philadelphia.”

SNL Transcripts