Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


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12p: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

Several anti-American leaders, including Raul Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on Friday attended the funeral of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. A funeral that was held, I’m guessing, on an island shaped like a skull.

A man in Italy who was dressed like a bishop, Monday, tried to sneak into a meeting of cardinals in the Vatican as they tried to choose a new Pope. [ image: Dennis Rodman dressed like a bishop ] Dude, just mind your own business for a while! You don’t have to be everywhere! We’re good! We’re great without your help.

Mexico’s Carlos Slim tops this year’s list of the richest people in the world, with an estimated wealth of $73 billion — which, in pesos, works out to infinity. Infinity pesos.

Both Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have confirmed that they will reprise their roles of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” sequels. Said another former “Star Wars” actor: [ image: Jar Jar Binks ] “Meesa waitin’ by da phone!”

Hopefully, Hamill and Fisher have aged better than Chewbacca. [ image: Chewbacca with receding hairline ]

The TSA, this week, announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.

Playboy, this week, launched a Hebrew language version of their magazine. Although, as far as I know, it could have always been in Hebrew.

And, remember: With the Hebrew edition of Playboy, you look at the models’ breasts from right to left. If you get that — Mazel Tov!

A man in Maine was surprised when he found a knife inside his 2 year-old son’s Elmo birthday cake. And a man in jail was disappointed to get a cake that was just Elmo.

In an effort to stop declining sales, Hooters is now trying to attract women to their restaurants by remodeling their stores and adding salads to the menu. Which is like trying to attract women to your sex dungeon by playing Adele in the background.

This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don’t forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.

Seth Meyers: After a long winter, Spring hits New York in a couple of weeks, and with it will come MILLIONS of springtime tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hiii.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Stefon! It’s been a while

Stefon: I know. This job writing for “Smash” is killing me.

Seth Meyers: Oh. That makes a lot of sense. So, Stefon — a lot of people are anxious to enjoy the city once the weather gets warm. What are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Spring outing?

Stefon: If it’s warm and you want to be outed… I know just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is [ high-pitched squeal ] Maaaaaaary! Opened in 1997 by missing Folida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down Westside Highway. This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in “Les Misérables”, you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: This place sounds fancy.

Stefon: It is. There’s even a password — The last words of murdered blues legend Sweet Willie Walker.

Seth Meyers: Oh? what were his last words?

Stefon: [ in loud ghetto accent ] “My wallet?! Yeahhhhhhh, right!” [ he folds his arms tightly, then covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know? A place for the holidays.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Your Mother And I Are Separating. [ he covers his face with his hands ] Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club IS a burned-out Red Lobster. And it has EVERYTHING: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear… And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.

Seth Meyers: What does that sound like?

[ Stefon makes wheezy sleping sounds, then jolts into loud, wheezy, hyperventilating sounds ]

Seth Meyers: You dance the night away to that?

Stefon: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Well, Stefon — Spring Break is coming up. Any tips for college kids coming to have a safe and fun Spring Break?

Stefon: [ smiling sadistically ] Yesss!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Safe and fun. If you’re looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I know JUST the place for you! New York’s hottest club is [ squeezing his hand into a fist and pursing his lips at it ] So-phieeee! Based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire… [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ] Club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break, this place has EVERYTHING: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial… [ he cracks himself up ] If that’s not enouh for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.

Seth Meyers: Now… for those of us who don’t know, what is a human fanny pack?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist… and holds your passport in his mouth! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this is what we’re looking for…

Stefon: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! I have two questions: Will you spend Spring Break with me… and Why not?

Seth Meyers: I can’t. I’m taking my serious girlfriend to Mexico.

Stefon: To kill her? [ he crosses his fingers ]

Seth Meyers: No!!

Stefon: [ he pouts ] Well… if you go with me, you can join my Five-Timers Club!

Seth Meyers: [ smiling; curious ] What do I have to do five times?

[ Stefon keeps his lips pursed ]

Stefon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m the future Mrs. Stefon Meyers! Good night!

Seth Meyers: Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16

12p: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

….Justin Timberlake
Doorman…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy Chase
…..Martin Short
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Hanks
…..Taran Killam
…..Bboby Moynihan
…..Candice Bergen

Announcer: Ladies and gebtlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] Ah! Very nice! Thank you! Thank you! Yes — Your check is in the mail! It is GREAT to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the… [ counting on his fingers ] FIFTH time! [ the audience cheers ] There are so many exciting things about hosting five times. You get to see… old friends; you get to try new things; you get to inevitably let everyone down, thanks to overly high expectations — Thanks, Internet! But the BEST part is… they give you one of these: [ he holds up a card ] That’s right, membership into the Five-Timers Club. [ the audience applauds wildly ] In case you don’t know, this is the most exclusive club in New York. Come on — let’s check it out.

[ he runs off Home Base ]

[ dissolve to close-up of door to the Five-Timers Club, as Timberlake approaches and knocks ]

Doorman: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ taking it all in ] Wow…

Doorman: Smoking jacket?

Justin Timberlake: Please. Thanks. [ after his jacket is put on him ] This is fantastic! [ he looks up as he hears guitar music ] What? Oh, my God… is that…? [ Paul Simon appears ] Paul Simon!

Paul Simon: [ shaking hands ] Welcome to the club.

Justin Timberlake: Mr. Simon, the honor is mine.

Paul Simon: [ nodding ] I think it is. Hey, uh — would you like to meet some of the other members?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… sure.

Paul Simon: Do you know Steve Martin?

[ Steve Martin stands to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Wellllll, Justin Timberlake. Welcome to the club, ol’ boy. I always thought if an ‘N Sync member made the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone.

Paul Simon: No, no, no. Believe me… this is a great addition to the club. He’s a multi-talented guy, he can do everything.

Steve Martin: Sooooo… you play banjo?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… no, no, no, not really…

Steve Martin: Ohhhh. So, not… everything? [ he bites his pipe ] Come on, Justin. Let’s get a drink.

[ they approach the bar, where Dan Aykroyd stands at duty ]

Justin Timberlake: Dan Aykroyd?! You’re a Five-Timer?

Steve Martin: No, no, no. No, Danny here is a bartender. It’s the best he can do, having only hosted once.

Justin Timberlake: But he is original cast — surely, that means something, right?

Steve Martin: [ chuckling heartily ] You’re adorable! [ to Aykroyd ] Cocktail menus?

Dan Aykroyd: Here you are, Mr. Martin.

Steve Martin: Uhhh — let’s keep the chitchat to a minimum, Danny.

[ Aykroyd bows humbly, as Timberlake glances at the menu ]

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh — I’ll have the Kristen Wiig.

Steve Martin: Oh, and, by the way — it’s customary to tip here at the Five-Timers Club. Lucky for Danny.

[ Aykroyd hands Timberlake a wigged cocktail ]

Dan Aykroyd: Your Gilly.

Steve Martin: [ opening his wallet ] Ah — lucky for Danny, I always carry hundreds. Ohh, what luck! I found a One! [ he hands the small bill to Aykroyd ] Come with me, Justin.

Justin Timberlake: [ glancing ] What is this?

Steve Martin: This is the Hall of Portraits. Drew Barrymore: Inducted in 2007; John Goodman: Hosted eleven straight years; and, of course, Chevy.

[ reveal Chevy Chase on the telephone ]

Chevy Chase: Yes, yes… I would like to order one Rolls-Royce… and just send the bill to me, Mr., uh, Steve Martin. Steve! Thank you! [ he tries in vain to hang up the phone, finally succeeding when he actually looks at the handle ]

Steve Martin: Chevy! What a surprise!

Chevy Chase: Steve! I never see you any more!

Steve Martin: I know! It’s a shame!

Chevy Chase: No, it’s on purpose.

Justin Timberlake: [ confused ] Wait… are you guys friends, or not?

Steve Martin: Exactly! [ a beat ] You know, I’m famished. Waiter!

[ Martin Short rushes forward with a tray of hors d’oeuvres ]

Martin Short: Yes! Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: What?

Chevy Chase: I said… Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: I believe it’s pronounced… Hoars devoares.

Chevy Chase: Of course, Sir… [ suddenly, he sneezes on the tray, wipes it at Steve’s face with a napkin and recoils at the sight of Chevy’s face ]

Justin Timberlake: Oh, my God…! I just realied I’m standing next to “The Three Amigos”!

Steve Martin: [ humbly ] Well, I guess you’re right.

Justin Timberlake: Is there any chance I could get you guys to do the salute?

Steve Martin & Chevy Chase: No, no… I don’t do that any more…

Chevy Chase: The THREE Amigos! [ he does the salute, much to the audience’s delight ] Sorry.

[ Short rushes off ]

Steve Martin: If there was anywhere else he could go…

[ Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks enter from the opposite side of the room ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey, you guys! Stop your yammering, and let’s enjoy tonight’s episode!

Justin Timberlake: Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks!

[ they all shake hands ]

Tom Hanks: Come, Young Justin! You won’t want to miss this!

[ the two men sit on the couch ]

Justin Timberlake: What are we looking at here?

Alec Baldwin: You know, one of the joys, J.T. of being a Fiver is making the cast members FIGHT for your entertainment.

[ Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan begin to fight mano-a-mano for the men ]

Alec Baldwin: Cover your FACE, Bobby!

Tom Hanks: Yes. You see, unlike us, young cast have to scrap and claw for the chance to be on the show… Gouge his eyes, Taran!!

Justin Timberlake: It seems a little brutal.

Alec Baldwin: No, it’s all in good fun… Finish him, Bobby!!

[ Bobby jumps up and punches an off-camera Taran ]

Tom Hanks: Well done! Well done! Go get yourself a BEER, young man!

Bobby Moynihan: [ weeping ] I killed my friend!

Tom Hanks: And I LOVE Drunk Uncle!

Bobby Moynihan: [ smiling ] Thank you! [ he walks off ]

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] So, J.T., a Five-Timer. I remember when I put on the jacket so long ago. I was a different man then: No sudden fits of rage…

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] THat’s a good one, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: [ sternly ] It wasn’t a joke, J.T. I’ll let you know when I’m joking.

[ Candice Bergen enters ]

Candice Bergen: Relax, Alec!

Justin Timberlake: Oh! Candice Bergen? The first female member of the Five-Timers Club!

Candice Bergen: And I would like to say something: I, too, wish we had a second bathroom, but… while we’re all sharing, could you please try to remember to leave the toilet seat down?

Tom Hanks: Don’t look at me!

Alec Baldwin: I didn’t do it!

AMartin Short: [ proudly ] I go in the sink!

Justin Timberlake: This place is the BEST! I love being a Five-Timer!

Candice Bergen: Well, then… why don’t you just take advantage of it?

Justin Timberlake: Make it official?

Candice Bergen: That’s right.

Justin Timberlake: We got a great show. EVERYBODY is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16

12p: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

……Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Uh — Thank you to Jay-Z, Dan Aykroyd, Alec Baldwin, Candace Bergen, Chevy Chase, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Andy Samberg, Martin Short and Paul Simon! What a showwwww!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16

12p: Justin Timberlake

It’s a Date

Dirk Ellington…..Bill Hader
Judy Peterman…..Vanessa Bayer
Bachelor #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Singer #1…..Andy Samberg
Singer #2…..Justin Timberlake
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “It’s a Date”! The ONLY dating game show still on TV! Now, here’s your host — Dirk Ellington!

Dirk Ellington: [ running out ] Hello, everybody! And welcome to “It’s a Date”! I’m Dirk Ellington, and I feel AWFUL! But enough about me. Let’s meet our lovely bchelorette! She’s a nurse from Bayport, with a penchant for making muffins — please welcome Judy Peterman!

[ reveal Judy ]

Judy Peterman: Hey, Dirk! I’m happy to be here!

Dirk Ellington: Alright, let’s meet tonight’s bachelors! And, remember: Our audience can see them, but none of our contestants can see each other. First up: He’s an architect looking to build a lasting relationship; Please welcome Bachelor #1!

[ reveal Bachelor #1 ]

Bachelor #1: Hi, Judy! Uh — I can’t see you, but your voice sounds lovely.

Judy Peterman: Ohhh! That’s sweet!

Dirk Ellington: [ chuckling facetiously ] Uh, next up, we actually have a duo. They’re best friends with pipes as smooth as baby butt lotion; Please welcome Bachelors #2!

[ reveal the “Dick in a Box” singers, in their first live setting ]

Singer #1: [ smoothly ] Hey, girl! [ smooth R&B music plays ] You sound like a real Tenderoni!”

Singer #2: “Tenderoni!”

Singer #1: “So come and take a ride with us…”

Judy Peterman: Wow! TWO bachelors for the price of ONE! How unexpected!

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it sure is! Now, let’s meet our final contestant… Oh, that’s weird — it’s also a duo! They’re brothers originally from Czechoslavakia; Please welcome Bachelors #3!

[ reveal the Festrunk Brothers swinging and dancing ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hellooooo, female American fox! I am Yortuk Festrunk, and now you will meet my brother Georg!

Georg Festrunk: Yo! Your swinging dream dates have finally arrived for YOU!

Yortuk Festrunk: So get ready to take a hike! Because we are…

Together: Two wild and crazy guys!

Bachelor #1: [ concerned ] I’m sorry… should I have brought a buddy?

Dirk Ellington: No, you’re good! You’re good! Let’s begin. Judy, the floor is yours.

Judy Peterman: Okay! Bachelor #1: Describe your perfect date.

Bachelor #1: Uhhh — well, I guess we would start out with cocktails at the peninsula, and then we would get naughty and skip right to dessert… [ he chuckles nervously ] And then, after that, we would just take a stroll in the moonlight.

Judy Peterman: [ unenthused ] That sounds okay. Bachelors #2: Same question.

Singer #1: Our day would go down like this. Listen: [ sexy music plays ]”First thing we’d do, is take you shopping.”

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, down at the mall.”

Singer #1: “Then lay you down slow and do you right.”

Singer #2: “Both of us railin’ on your BUTT!”

Singer #1: “Romance!”

Dirk Ellington: Sooooo, to recap: They would take you to the mall… and rail… on your BUTT! How does that sound, Judy?

Judy Peterman: [ laughing ] I don’t hate it!

Bachelor #1: [ stunned ] Seriously?

Judy Peterman: Okay, Bachelors #3: Your perfect date?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay, Chief! Time to shoot the breeze!

Georg Festrunk: First on the date, we will have many bottles of sparkly wine… from Long Island!

Yortuk Festrunk: Then! Hold your horses, buddy! Because it’s time for a personal ride in our own stretch limousine!

Georg Festrunk: Which we own… for work.

Yortuk Festrunk: Next thing you are knowing… you will want NO CLOTHES with us!

Georg Festrunk: And we’ll all night — we’ll spend the night next to your BIG American breasts!

Dirk Ellington: Judy? Thoughts?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re very direct! And, these days, that’s refreshing!

Dirk Ellington: Well, I find that answer refreshing!

Bachelor #1: [ matter-of-factly ] Oh, I’m going to lose.

Dirk Ellington: Next question!

Judy Peterman: Bachelor #1: What’s your favorite place on Earth?

Bachelor #1: Well, I love the ice skating rink in Akron, whrre I grew up —

Judy Peterman: No. I don’t like that. [she clears her throat ] Bachelors #2: It’s raining out, and we have to stay in. Describe a night at home with me.

Singer #1: Hit it! [ sexy music plays ] “It’s raining out…”

Bachelor #1: [ flummoxed ] Were you guys given the questions beforehand?

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, soaking WET!”

Singer #1: “We dry you off with an old rug.”

Singer #2: “It’s softerthan it sounds!”

Singer #1: “We’ll get into bed, and watch, our favorite cartoon.
I’m talkin’ ’bout:”

Singer #2: “Hewey..”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Dewey…”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Louie!”

Singer #1: “Duck Tales!”

Singer #2: “Whoo-ooh!”

Judy Peterman: Wow! That sounds fun and not creepy! Okay! Third bachelors: What’s your best attribute?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Do you know, Judy, what a package is? Ours is so big, you will ENJOY to SEE THEM!!

Georg Festrunk: Don’t worry, Hoss! You can’t miss…

Together: OUR BUL-GES!!

Dirk Ellington: Judy! Care to comment?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re a little crass… but they are from another country, and I’m sure theu mean well.

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it could be. Guys, how long have you lived in America?

Together: Thirty-seven years!

Dirk Ellington: Still got those accents, huh?

Georg Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

[ they crack up laughing ]

Dirk Ellington: Alright, Judy, it’s, uh, back to you.

Judy Peterman: Okay. Bachelors #2: What’s your favorite season, and why?

Singer #1: We thought you’d never ask.

[ sexy music plays ]

Singer #2: “Girls can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “It’s a known fact!”

Singer #2: “Yeah!”

Singer #1: “And that’s that!”

Singer #2: “Ohhhhh, ladies can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “So throw away that Jimmy hat, girl!”

[ they pull a roll of condoms from their pockets and drop them to the floor ]

Together: “Science!!”

Judy Peterman: [ excited ] That was great! Um — do another!

Singer #1: If you insist. [ fast up-tempo music plays ] “There’s a brand new fad that’s sweeping the nation!”

Singer #2: “It’s called Smoke & Crack!”

Singer #1: “Guaranteed to get the party started!”

Singer #2: “No, no side effects!”

Singer #1: “Stay in achool!”

Dirk Ellington: Wait, wait, guys… I’m just gonna stop you right there, guys. I know for a fact there IS a side effect from smoking crack. [ a beat ] It’s called FUN!!

Bachelor #1: I’m sorry… but I think you skipped me?

Dirk Ellington: Shut up! No time. Judy, uh, who’s your final pick? Will it be Bachelor Number…?

Judy Peterman: [ quickly ] I choose 2 and 3 and NOT 1!

Dirk Ellington: Yeahhhhh, that tracks! Let’s have our winners come out and MEET JUDY!!

[ both sets of bachelors swagger down upon the stage ]

Singer #1: Hit it!

Singer #2: “Hoo-wee!”

Singer #1: “You know, we had a great time on this dumb-ass show!”

Singer #2: “‘Cuz we formed a tremendous alliance.”

Yortuk Festrunk: Now we will swing with this American fox!

Georg Festrunk: I can’t believe you guys are not BLACK!

Singer #1: That happens a lot…

Singer #2: Yeah, we get that all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: And what’s with that singing?

Singer #2: “We’ve had two-ways, three-ways…”

Together: “About to have FIVE!”

Altogether: ‘Cuz we are four wild and crazy guyyyyyyyssss!!!”

Judy Peterman: And Judy!

[ title card appears, as Dirk struts across the stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:

Guest Writers:


March 2nd, 2013

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Paul Simon

Steve Martin

Dan Aykroyd

Chevy Chase

Martin Short

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

Candace Bergen

Andy Samberg

Jay-Z

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Michael Che

Edi Patterson

Andy Samberg

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone


Memorial Service for Hugo ChavezSummary: Elton John (Justin Timberlake) is offered money to eulogize Hugo Chavez with his latest rewrite of “Candle in the Wind”.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake joins the ranks of the Five-Timer’s Club, where he gets to hang out with legends like Paul Simon and Steve Martin and force the cast members to fight for his amusement.

Transcript

It’s a DateSummary: Bachelor #1 (Bobby Moynihan) realizes he won’t win a date with Judy (Vanessa Bayer) when his competition is the “Dick in a Box” singers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) and the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Yortuk Festrunk, Georg Festrunk.

Transcript

VeganvilleSummary: Sausage shop’s Italian butcher mascot (Bobby Moynihan) faces competition from Veganville’s dancing tofu mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Nuva BlingSummary: The semi-effective diamond-encrusted birth control device that doubles up as glamorous jewelry.

Justin Timberlake with Jay-Z performs “Suit & Tie”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Stefon (Bill Hader) kists inappropriate places for tourists to celebrate Spring in New York.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Tales of Sober CaligulaSummary: After working to clean up his image, a newly-sober Caligula (Justin Timberlake) declares there will no longer be wild orgies within his empire and instead initiates Game Night activities.

Maine JusticeSummary: Implanted Judge Marshall T. Boudreaux (Jason Sudeikis) dishes another heapin’ helping of Maine Justice in the case of a college boy (Andy Samberg) who ran a southern belle (Kate McKinnon) off the road).

Recurring Characters: Marshall T. Boudreaux.

Justin Timberlake performs “Mirrors”

She’s Got a D!%kSummary: A trailer for a new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and an Adorable Brunette (Nasim Pedrad) who happens to have male genitalia.

Recurring Characters: Eugene Levy.

Moet & ChandonSummary: Former porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer), a fellow model (Cecily Strong) and V.I. Penis (Justrin Timberlake) promote the luxury of Moet & Chandon champagne.

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Model.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:

SNL Transcripts