Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 2nd, 2013

Kevin Hart

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

None

Wanz

Ray Dalton

None

A Message FRom the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Kevin Hart’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for “SNL” by performing impressions that didn’t meet the grade.

Steve HarveySummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

The Situation RoomSummary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.

Starbucks VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Note: Repeat from 12k.

Barnes & Noble FiringSummary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs “Thrift Shop”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.

The Walking DeadSummary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.

Shark TankSummary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.

Z ShirtsSummary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.

Transcript

Recording SessionSummary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs “Can’t Hold Us”

FuneralSummary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.

Transcript

360 NewsSummary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Foam NightSummary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.

Coal MinerSummary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.

The GSummary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Papal Securities

Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on serene settings ]

Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?

[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]

Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?

[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?

[ dissolve to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.

[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]

Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.

[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]

Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.

[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]

Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.

[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]

Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright!

[ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]

Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.

[ Spokesman kisses the Pope’s ring, then wipes his mouth ]

[ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ]

[ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ]

[ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]

Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Secret Admirer Letter

Jennifer…..Cecily Strong
Ben…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Bill Hader
Todd…..Jason Sudeikis
Jackie…..Vanessa Bayer
Dimitri…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on interior, office ]

Jennifer: [ holding letter at her desk ] What is this? Did anybody see this letter dropped on my desk?

Ben: No idea.

Mark: I don’t know.

Todd: Hey, you got me.

Jackie: No clue.

[ Dimitri the security guard enters ]

Dimitri: Perhaps it’s a… valentine from a secret admirer?

Jackie: [ piqued ] Ohhh! Read it! Ooh!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “To my sweet Jennifer doll, who I will own if in God’s plans. I take you to woods and we sleep there a hundred years…”

Dimitri: [ innocently ] Oh, that’s real sweet! Sounds like a real charmer!

Jennifer: Um…?

Jackie: Listen — I think it’s kind of creepy.

Jennifer: Listen to this: [ reading ] “I am a person who is closer than you think. I hope to grow closer by days, and… watching… waiting.”

Jackie: [ disgusted ] Okay, you know, it sounds like a threat.

Dimitri: [ nervously ] Uh… even I see that was not the best choice of words — [ quickly ] for whoever wrote it!

Jennifer: [ frightened ] “Closer than you think.” Okay, this is someone who WORKS here! Okay, NO ONE leaves until we figure out WHO this is! Dimitri! You should be questioning people, while I read this psycho’s manifesto!

Dimitri: “Manifesto” is, perhaps, a strong word…

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want you and it makes me mad.There is something that I can’t say, but we eat dish of milk and bananas together…”? Dimitri! ASK them!

Dimitri: Uh… Mark, did you write this?

Mark: Uh, let me think — Did I write a broken English, crazy, foreign guy note? NO!!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “You are perfect, I am your mother. Ha ha ha! No.”

Dimitri: Ben, I’m looking at you on this one…

Ben: And I’m looking right back at you, buddy!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want to screw with you. I take a long time. We will never be apart in the woods…”?

Dimitri: Yeah, that sounds more and more like Todd!

Todd: [ chuckling to himself ] Not your finest hour, my man!

Jennifer: Oh, my God! He must be stalking you, too, Dimitri! He included this SICK picture of you! Dimitri, show this to everyone!

[ Dimitri holds up the photo and winces ]

Dimitri: Oh, no… so many mistakes…

Jennifer: Yeah! It’s really weird! He must have Photoshopped your head onto a DISGUSTING man’s body wearing a tanktop and leaning on a car!

Dimitri: Jackie, did — do you Photoshop this?

Jackie: No, Dimitri, that actually doesn’t look Photoshopped. It kind of looks like something that really happened.

Jennifer: Oh, yeah, right! So Dimitri rented a LAMBORGHINI, which would cost HUNDREDS —

Dimitri: Four hundred.

Jennifer: Just to take this photo?! I mean, that would be CRAZY!

Dimitri: [ meekly ] Y-yes… I see that now.

Jennifer: Ugh! Okay, everybody, listen to this part: [ reading ] “Do not forget to remind me I have a peanut for you.” Is this a penis? Is he talking about his penis?

Dimitri: [ defesively ] No, no… this one is not creepy at all! There, there is a country — I know — where a common joke is that you take out a ring box, and you say: “[ he opens a ring box with a peanut inside ] “I am proposing to you. No — it is just a peanut!” You see? [ he laughs buffoonishly ] It is actually quite… quite a funny, sweet joke!

Jennifer: No. No. No, Dimitri, that sucks.

Mark: Yeah, that really SUCKS, Dimitri!

Dimitri: [ stung ] Yes. I see now tht it does suck.

Jennifer: [ furious ] Someone is LYING!! Dimitri, ASK them!!

Dimitri: Yes. Mark, did you do this?!

Mark: Buddy… [ he raises his hands and shrugs ]

Dimitri: Jackie, was this your own handiwork?

Jackie: Oh, Dimitri…. [ she shakes her head ]

Dimitri: Ben, you’re awfully quiet!

Ben: [ laughing ] Come on, man!

Dimitri: Todd!

Todd: You gotta ask me the full question, Dimitri!

Dimitri: Yeah. Todd, did you reference a popular tradition from my village, in which you offer a peanut as a kind of fake proposal/traditious joke?

Todd: [ shaking his head ] NO, Dimitri!

Jennifer: Well, I guess we’ll NEVER know who sent this! But, Dinitri, I’d feel safer if you came to lunch with me.

Dimitri: Yes, I hope to close… to grow close by… that… day’s…. end…

Jennifer: Okay, let me just grab my things… [ she lifts hr purse to reveal another letter ] Wait a minute, what is this letter? [ she opens it to reveal a photo ] Oh, this is just a picture of some black guy’s penis!

Ben: [ nervously ] What?! Who did this?! Who did that?! Mark, I’m looking at YOU, my man! Jackie, was it you?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Djesus Uncrossed

Jesus…..Christoph Waltz
Roman Soldier…..Fred Armisen
St. Peter…..Taran Killam
Pontius Pilate…..Kenan Thompson
Judas Iscariot…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]

Announcer: This Summer! If you liked “Inglourious Basterds”… and “Django Unchained”…

[ reveal clips from both movies ]

Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy…

[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]

Jesus: Guess who’s back!

[ title appears ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Romans fighting ]

Announcer: He’s risen from the dead!

Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?

Roman Soldier: Kill him!!

[ Jesus joins the fight ]

Announcer: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.

[ cut to more fighting scenes ]

Announcer: He may be wearing sandals… but he can STILL kick ass!

[ reveal carnage ]

Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!

Announcer: The “H” is silent!

[ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier’s head in half ]

Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.

St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me… eleven ay-postles! We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!

Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.

Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight! I’m gonna get Old Testement on his ass!

Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.

Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!

Jesus: When you get to Heaven… say “Hi” to my Dad.

[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ]

[ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]

Announcer: Critics are calling it: “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” [ A.O. Scott ]

“I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” [ Peter Travers ]

[ title card ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Jesus cocking his rifle ]

Jesus: No more Mr. Nice Jesus!

[ tag: “SUMMER 2013” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Goodnights

…..Christoph Waltz

Christoph Waltz: Thanks to Alabama Shakes! Thanks to my friends from “SNL”! And thanks to YOU! You’re fabulous!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Triumph Cruise

Dean…..Jason Sudeikis
Diana…..Cecily Strong
Reggie Davis…..Jay Pharoah
Victor LaStrange…..Bill Hader
Mike…..Tim Robinson
Dan the Animal Man…..Bobby Moynihan
The Captain……Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph — Tuesday ]

[ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ]

Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh — folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I’m your Cruise Director — Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director — Diana.

Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days — you guys look great!

Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys — Just because we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets… it doesn’t mean we can’t have some FUN! Alright?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Ah, but first — a tiny update.

Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore — which is GREAT news!

Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke.

Diana: Waaa-waaaaah!

Dean: Yeah… yeah… okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next — you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch — please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out!

[ Reggie Davis steps forward ]

Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know — If Chris Rock were here, I’d bet he’d say: [ as Chris Rock ] “Don’t anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You’re all gonna DIE on this boat!” What else, what else, what else, what else…? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I’m sorry. Okay? I can’t tell no more jokes. There’s DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!!

[ Diana pishes Reggie aside ]

Dean: Okay! Alright! Okay! Uh, that’s Reggie Davis, everyone! He’s a funny guy, right?

Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone.

Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines — One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we’d catch you up on what you missed this week, alright?

Voice: There is no God!

Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let’s see what’s in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh — the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord!

Diana: Oh, wait — okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here’s soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a… mmm-mmm! Nope!

Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey — You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades?

Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting!

Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that… [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no…

Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad… but do you have it worse than [ reading ] “4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise”… That is about US!

Dean: That’s us, yeah. Okay, that’s enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you!

Diana: Victorrrrrr!!

[ victor LaStrange steps out ]

Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What’s your name, Sir?

Mike: Mike.

Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike?

Mike: Real bad.

Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you’re MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Mike: Oh… [ he groans ] Oh, no! I’m back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!!

[ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ]

Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh — whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird!

Voice: Turn us all into chickens!!

Diana: Okay, no! Guys… guys… It is not better to be a chicken than a person!

Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it’s bad here, but it’s not that bad! Okay?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar… is now officially a toilet, okay?

Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet.

Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is… well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you’ll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet!

Diana: Hey, Dean!

Dean: Uh-huh?

Diana: You know what I think?

Dean: Uh-oh!

Diana: I think it’s about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit!

Dean: That’s a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He’s been delighting you all week — Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco!

[ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ]

Dan the Animal Man: WHO ATE COCO?!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?!!

Dean: Okay… alright… Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man!

Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!!

[ Diana walks Dan aside ]

Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys!

Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better.

Dean: That’s very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny — it was funny — to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US” for the news helicopter? That’s not funny.

Diana: No, not funny at all.

Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don’t like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay?

[ Diana is handed a note ]

Diana: Dean?

Dean: Yeah?

Diana: I just got some good news.

Dean: It’s about time!

Diana: I’ve been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson!

Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here!

[ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ]

Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don’t need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane.

Diana: Okay, guys — that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach…. [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa!

Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh — well, now here’s some good news. alright?

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

JaMarcus Brothers

Woman…..Cecily Strong
Man……Taran Kllam
Marcus JaMarcus……Kenan Thompson
Darnell JaMarcus……Jay Pharoah
Englebert JaMarcus…..Christoph Waltz

Woman: It’s Friday night and me and my man are about to get all up and down sexy.

Man: Noice.

Woman: But I need something to get me in the mood, to make my body groove.

Marcus JaMarcus: I think we can help you there. Hello girl, we’re the JaMarcus Brothers.

Darnell JaMarcus: I’m Darnell JaMarcus.

Marcus JaMarcus: And I’m Marcus JaMarcus. I was named in a big ol’ hurry.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah! And we’re here to make your body tingle-tangle with our new CD full of songs like this:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, let’s get down tonight.

Darnell JaMarcus: Hey girl!

Marcus JaMarcus: Baby, turn off all the lights.

Darnell JaMarcus: Turn off!

Marcus JaMarcus: We’re gonna treat your booty right.

Darnell JaMarcus: So right girl!

Engelbert JaMarcus: Let’s have sex like crazy!

Man: Hey! Who is that other guy?

Woman: That’s the third JaMarcus brother, Engelbert.

Man: I’m confused.

Woman: What’s confusing? Some people have three children. And their songs are sexy, like this next track:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, you better lock the door.

Darnell JaMarcus: Yeah girl.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do it on the sink and flow.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I like that!

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, we’re gonna get it on.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah!

Marcus JaMarcus: Making love till the break of dawn.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I’m going to listen inside your butt!

Woman: Mmh, yeah! If you close your eyes, you can hardly tell which JaMarcus brother is an adopted white virgin.

Man: I’m pretty sure I can tell.

Woman: It’s not who you think.

Man: Is it Engelbert?

Woman: Okay, it is who you think. But you definitely can’t tell who wrote which song. Songs like:

Female voice: “Booty So Fine”, “Beggin’ for Dat Booty”, “Please Explain What We Do Now That We’re Naked”, “Backside Nasty”, “Chocolate Lovin’”, “Where Does My Penis Go? Point to Where”, “Freak in da Sheets”, “Let’s Take a Shower, I’ll Go First and Then You Can Go”, “Up Underneaf Dat” and “I Bet You Did Not Expect That Birthmark, I Apologize, But It Is Beyond My Control! I Was Born with It, I’m Engelbert”.

Man: Yeah, here’s a question: are there songs with just two of the JaMarcus brothers?

Woman: I know what you’re looking for. Here’s a song with just Marcus and Engelbert.

Man: No, that’s not what I was looking for.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get naked?

Engelbert JaMarcus: Ho, ha, yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get dirty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: I said yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get nasty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: And yes again!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna make love?

Engelbert JaMarcus: With our privates!

Female voice: So order now the JaMarcus Brothers’ CD “Now Is the Time for a Tickle Fight, He He!”.

Woman: And guess who named that CD?

Man: Engelbert did.

Woman: No, actually Darnell did.

Man: Oh weird?

Woman: Thanks JaMarcus Brothers, I’m ‘onna put on your CD right now and make love to my man.

Man: Actually no, I couldn’t get a boner right now if I tried.

Male voice: The JaMarcus Brothers. Order today.

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

What Have You Become?

Mack Montgomery…..Christoph Waltz
Donald Latimer…..Kenan Thompson
Patrick Vance…..Bill Hader
Meredith Fine…..Aidy Bryant
Donald’s Grandfather…..Jay Pharoah
Great-Grandma Ernestine…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on GSN graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching… The Game Show Network.

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Mack Montgomery: Hello! and welcome to America’s… newest game show. I’m your host — Mack Montgomery — and I just LOVE this game! Before we get started, let’s meet our thre contestants! First, it’s Donald Latimer.

Donald Latimer: Hey, Mack!

Mack Montgomery: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Donald Latimer: Oh, sure thing! I’m a self-employed entrepreneur… and when I was little, I loved space… and now I have the highest score on Space Invaders in all of Alabama!

Mack Montgomery: Wow-how! That’s impressive! Next up is Patrick Vance. Patrick, tell us about yourself.

Patrick Vance: Well, I’m 38 years young! I was Valedictorian in high school and college, and — this is kind of embarrassing — I love Katy Perry! [ he laughs ] Last year, I saw her concert, like, a hundred times.

Mack Montgomery: Wow! That’s committment! Finally, we have Meredith Fine. Meredith, what’s going on with you?

Meredith Fine: Well, I live in Ontario, California! I have one beautiful daughter, who’s seventeen! And I like to knit, but I’m not very good! [ she laughs ]

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing along ] Okay! What a crew! Donald has the highest score on a video game, Patrick is Katy Perry’s superfan, and Meredith is decent at knitting. It’s time to play:

Audience: [ as graphic appears ] “What Have You Become?”

Mack Montgomery: Donald! You’re up first. Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Donald Latimer: Well, I, uh… [ he pauses and reflects with great horror ] Oh, my God…! I love space…! I could have been an astronaut! A self-employed entrepreneur — that’s not even REAL! I don’t DO anything!! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Ohhh, sorry, Donald! Patrick, it’s your turn. You’ve paid for parking at a HUNDRED Katy Perry concerts —

Patrick Vance: [ proudly ] At least!

Mack Montgomery: Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Patrick Vance: [ he suddenly drops his smile ] Oh, God! My God! I follow Katy Perry on tour. I go alone. I tell everyone my daughter’s in the bathroom, but… I don’t have a daughter… What have I become?

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Sorry, Patrick! We can’t accept that — and, Patrick.. Patrick… neither should you.

Patrick Vance: [ he nods ] I know…

Mack Montgomery: Alright, Meredith — you had a chance earlier to say ANYTHING about yourself, and you chose that you were bad at KNITTING! So your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Meredith Fine: [ smiling ] Okay! I see what you’re trying to do, Mack, but it’s not gonna work, so stop the music, okay? I always wanted to be a mom, and now I have a beautiful daughter and I’ve become exactly what I want!

[ ding ]

Mack Montgomery: Ah-ha! Good for you! Quick follow-up: Are you happy?

Meredith Fine: NO!! My daughter’s a BITCH!! [ she breaks into tears ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Thought so! Okay, time for Round Two!

Donald Latimer: Uh, I don’t want to play if you’re gonna keep asking the same question!

Mack Montgomery: Of course not — that would be cruel! So, instead, to ask the questions — let’s bring out each of your oldest living relatives! First up, it’s Donald’s GRANDFATHER!

[ Donald does a double-take at his grandfather towering over him ]

Donald’s Grandfather: Donald! What have you become?

[ piano music swells ]

Donald Latimer: [ near crying ] Oh, God…! Grampy! You fought in TWO wars! Yesteray, I fought a parking ticket — and I LOST! [ crying ] What have I become?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Aw, rough day for Donald! Patrick, your question is a two-parter, and it comes from your Great-Grandma Ernestine!

Great-Grandma Ernestine: Patrick… What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: And the second part?

Great-Grandma Ernestine: [ holding up Patrick’s graduation photo ] What happened to this bright, young boy?

[ piano music swells ]

Patrick Vance: Uh… you knew Elenour Roosevelt… All I know is the name of Katy Perry’s cat. It’s “Kitty Purry“. [ he breaks into a pathetic cry ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Awww, sorry, Patrick! Meredith, onto you.

Meredith Fine: You know what, Mack? How about I ask you a question?

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing nervously ] That’s not how the game works!

Meredith Fine: [ sternly ] What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: Well, uh… a GAME SHOW HOST…! [ his face turns serious, as piano music swells ] But I wanted to dance… “Mama! Let me dance!” “No, boy! You’ve got to go to Game Show School!” “But, Mama! My feet want to move!” “They belong behind a podium, boy!” “Mama! No!” [ buzzer sounds ] Oh, God…! What have I become?!! [ ] I want to dance! Let me fly!

Announcer: That’s all the time we have! Join us next week, for an all new “What Have You Become?”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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February 16th, 2013

Christoph Waltz

Alabama Shakes

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Triumph CruiseSummary: Triumph Cruise directors (Jason Sudeikis, Cecily Strong) try to keep passengers calm with onboard entertainment as the situation deteriorates around them.

Transcript

Montage

Christoph Waltz’s MonologueSummary: Despite being from Austria, Christoph Waltz endures German stereotype gags, then sings the Austrian favorite “Smile, Damn You, Smile!”

What Have You Become?Summary: Game show format examines the empty lives of its host (Christoph Waltz) and contestants (Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Aidy Bryant).

Transcript

Papal SecuritiesSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) gives retiring Pope Benedict XVI (Christoph Waltz) the kind of financial advice he needs to survive on a fixed income.

Transcript

TiffySummary: At a party, Tiffy (Nasim Pedrad) always comes in late to the conversations of her social peers.

Djesus UncrossedSummary: In a new movie by Quentin Tarantino, Jesus (Christoph Waltz) rises from the dead and conquers his enemies with a deadly sword.

Transcript

JaMarcus BrothersSummary: Couple (Cecily Strong, Taran Killam) enjoys the romantic soul stylings of the JaMarcus Brothers Marcus (Kenan Thompson) and Darnell (Jay Pharoah), but cringe at the inexperienced stylings of their adopted white brother Englebert (Christoph Waltz).

Transcript

Alabama Shakes performs “Hold On”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. Marco Rubio (Taran Killam) explains his awkward water grab while rebutting President Obama’s State of the Union Address. Russian native Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) comments on the meteorite that exploded over Russia this week. ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) screams his comments about the turbulent season for the L.A. Lakers.

Recurring Characters: Stephen A. Smith.

Regine at the ClubSummary: While at a trendy club, Louis (Christoph Waltz) introduces his friends to his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Regine.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer), and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) discuss President Obama’s State of the Union Address with Ted Ngugent (Bill Hader), then question U.K. Food Standard agent (Fred Armisen) about England’s horsemeat scandal.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Ted Nugent.

Alabama Shakes performs “Always Alright”

Secret Admirer LetterSummary: Jennifer (Cecily Strong) is creeped out by a poorly-written secret admirer letter, unaware that it was sent by Dimitri (Christoph Waltz) the shy foreign security guard in her office.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts