Month: October 2018

SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 13


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>







Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 9th, 2013

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber

None

Whoopi Goldberg

Micahel Patrick O’Brien

Super Bowl XLVIISummary: Super Bowl commentators James Brown (Kenan Thompson), Dan Marino (Jason Sudeikis), Bill Cowher (Tim Robinson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah) try to fill the awkward silence when the power suddenly goes out at the Superdome.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Bieber’s MonologueSummary: Justin Bieber attempts to woo girls in the audience with his inadequate knowledge of Black History Month trivia.

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) dates Devin’s (Bill Hader) estranged wife (Cecily Strong), showcases canyon paintings, and counsels a runaway teen (Justin Bieber) among overexaggerated valley accents and driving directions within every conservation.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Rosa, Trey.

Bieber DoublesSummary: Snot-nosed Justin Bieber isn’t impressed with the team of body doubles assembled by his head of security (Jason Sudeikis).

BravoSummary: An unnecessary preview of some of the many other “Real” series coming soon to Bravo.

Justin Bieber performs “As Long As You Love Me”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: After his bones were recently discovered, King Richard III’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) defend his tyrannical nature while quietly airing his dirty laundry. Corey, the one Black guy in every commercial (Kenan Thompson), comments on how thrilling it is to lead that cliched lifestyle.

50’s RomanceSummary: Billy Zuccarelli (Justin Bieber) woos Angie (Cecily Strong) in the style of the world’s worst “Grease” spoof.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Now an adult, Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) attempts a more mature style to her talk show as she gabs with Justin Bieber fan Pete DeFalco (Justin Bieber).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Bill Ray Cyrus.

Protective BrotherSummary: When Heather (Nasim Pedrad) brings her new boyfriend Michael (Justin Bieber) home to meet the family, her older brother Eddie (Taran Killam) acts overprotective of her, especially after the hapless lad accidentally combines the words “glad” and “nice” into an awkward “Glice” greeting.

A Sexy Valentine’s Day MessageSummary: Justin Bieber arrogantly offers a video guide to how he treats the ladies on Valentine’s, with a little over-the-top crudemess from a guy known as Taco (Bobby Moynihan).

Justin Bieber performs “Nothing Like Us”

Valentine’s DanceSummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) and others make announcements at the Valentine’s Abstinence Dance organized by Social Committee Head Bryce Dunham (Justin Bieber).

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Inauguration Night



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12










12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Inauguration Night

Aide…..Taran Killam
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, White House, Inauguration Night ]

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama relaxing in front of the fireplace, as Aide hands him a tall flask of beer ]

Aide: Can I get you anything else, Mr. President?

President Barack Obama: Uh, no, I’m fine. Thank you for everything.

Aide: Well, good night, Mr. President, and congratulations again. That was very moving, having your Inauguration fall on Martin Luther King Day.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yes, uh… that was, uh, that was pretty special.

[ Aide exits, as Obama sips his beer ]

President Barack Obama: [ toasting himself ] To four more years!

[ the clock chimes, as a huge puff of smoke appears ]

Voice: Barack! Barack Obama!

[ the Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. steps forward ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: It is I, the Reverand Martin Luther King, Jr.! And I have come to visit with you, on the night of this historic Inauguration!

President Barack Obama: This is incredible! Dr. King, there’s so much I want to discuss with you!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: And I with you, Barack! Please, have a seat.

[ they lean back in their chairs ]

President Barack Obama: So, uh… tell me, Dr. King, uh — Have I lived up to the promise in your legacy? Are we on the right track for our nation?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, we’ll get to all that, Barack. We’ll get to that. But, uh, first things first — Did you, uh… did you see that girl Beyonce?

President Barack Obama: Uh, excuse me?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: That girl Beyonce! Did you see her out there? ‘Cause I was like, [ high-pitched ] “Whaaaaaattt?!”

President Barack Obama: Well, Beyonce… well, yes, Sir, she’s a very beautiful woman.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Beautiful?! [ he chuckles ] Raquel Welch was “beautiful”. Beyonce is like, “Daaaaaamnnn!!” I had to keep pinching myself — I thought I was having another one of my “famous” dreams!

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, she was there to sing our National Anthem.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Was she, though? “Access Hollywood” would beg to differ.

President Barack Obama: “Access Hollywood”?

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Yeahhhhh, they said she was lip-synching! And I was like, “And I care, why? #JayZis1LuckyMan!””

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, uhhhh… can we please discuss MORE important issues? Uhhhhh… there are very real changes facing this nation!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, speaking of change — What’s up with Michelle’s bangs?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Her baaaaaaaangs!! What, is she guest-starring on “The New Girl”? [ he chuckles to himself ] When she finally gets those bangs cut, she’s gonna be like, “I can see at last! THank God Almighty, I can see at last!!”

President Barack Obama: [ outraged ] Dr. King!!

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Ohhhhh, really?! Come on! Relax! I’m joking around! Can’t we just be two guys talking real for a second? Why do I have to be serious and stately for all of eternity? And, besides — Today is my day off! [ he laughs ] You get it? Martin Luther King Day!

[ Aide knocks and re-enters the room ]

Aide: Uh, Mr. President? Is everything okay in here? I heard voices.

President Barack Obama: [ nervously ] Uh, uh, uh, yeah. I was just thinking out loud. I’m good.

[ Aide exits ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: [ annoyed ] Man, WHY you making rxcuses to him?! Just be like, “I’m the first Black president! Shut the Hell up and go to sleep!”

President Barack Obama: Dr. King, do you have any serious advice for me?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do! You’re doing a good job, Barack. I’m proud of you. But, there’s still work to do. You’re he first Black president, but we’re STILL waiting for our first Black magician… There hasn’t been a Black King of England… and, uh, it is 2013 and there’s still not a single Black child in the band One Direction.

President Barack Obama: I mean, do you think there are any that want to be?

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Probably not. Probably not, no. But, tonight, enjoy yourself! You have EARNED it.

President Barack Obama: Thank you, Dr. King. [ he extends his hand ]

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You’re welcome. [ he stands ] And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit Cornel West and tell him to TAKE IT DOWN about 30 notches. So, uh…

President Barack Obama: Here we go.

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You want to do this together?

President Barack Obama: Uh…

Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: I mean, it’s not every day they let a Black GHOST open the show!

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh… well, let’s do it!

Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Adam Levine’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12














12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Adam Levine’s Monologue

…..Adam Levine
…..Andy Samberg
…..Cameron Diaz
…..Jerry Seinfeld

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Adam Levine!

Adam Levine: Thank you very much! WOW! What a tremendous honor — [ a woman in the audience Whoos ] Thank you! Wow! What a tremendous honor to be here hosting “Satuday Night Live”. I’ve been here with my band Maroon 5 before, but this time it is JUST me! And because, like all successful singers, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would overreach and try acting. Also, I’ve been a coch on “The Voice” for the last two years. So, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] So, tonight, I just hope you don’t judge me too harshly.

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Andy Samberg in a smoking jacket and pipe ]

Andy Samberg: Fat chance, loser!

Adam Levine: Samberg! What are you doing here?

Andy Samberg: I could ask myself the same question.

Adam Levine: What?

Andy Samberg: That was, as they say, a joke. And it’s literally one of TENS of jokes I could teach you — if you join my team.

Adam Levine: Wait a second… Andy, you want to coach me?

Andy Samberg: That’s right. Yuo need my wisdom. After all, I was in over a hundred Digital Shorts, as well as three live sketches. And I’ve dealt with my fair share of singers-turned-actors — Timberlake, whatever…

Adam Levine: Yeah, we get it, we get it… whatever.

Andy Samberg: The point is: Let me coach you. We have so much in common: We’ve both slept with between two and and five-hundred women… and we both have angelic singing voices. [ singing ” ” ] “This! Voice! Is as good as yours! Oh, yeah!” [ the audience applauds ] I rest my case.

Adam Levine: Don’t clap for that; that was terrible singing. Well, I — you know, I guess, Andy, if you think you can help —

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Cameron Diaz in vintage wear ]

Cameron Diaz: Not… so… fast.

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Adam Levine: Cameron! Cameron!

Cameron Diaz: [ whooping it up ] Yayyyyyyy!! Oh, yeah! I’m the Aguilera of the group, I’m high-energy, I love everything, and I never put my hands down!

Adam Levine: Wait… so… Cameron, you want to coach me?

Cameron Diaz: That’s right, Adam. And if you want to succeed in comedy, you have to check your pride at the door. You have to be willing to fall down, you have to be willing to shake your butt. You have to be willing to take a handful of Ben Stiller’s spooch, and put it right in your hair, and spike it up like a mohawk!

Adam Levine: R-really?

Andy Samberg: Hey, we’ve all done it, so…

Cameron Diaz: Wait, when did you do it?

Andy Samberg: [ smiling nervously ] Ah, I was just saying stuff!

Cameron Diaz: Adam, listen — I have hosted before. So, trust me, the first thing that you should do as a host… is take off your shirt.

Adam Levine: Whaaaatt?!

Cameron Diaz: Your shirt! Just take it off!

Adam Levine: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. When you hosted, did you take your shirt off?

Cameron Diaz: Listen… what happens off-camera is not important. The important thing is: Lose the shirt.

Andy Samberg: I would… Yes. I would also suggest losing the shirt — from a “comedy” standpoint. [ he pulls up a bottle of lotion and squirts his left hand ]

Adam Levine: Guys… guys… Everyone, calm down — epecially Samberg. Calm down. I’m NOT taking my shirt off.

[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Jerry Seinfeld ]

Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right! He’s NOT taking his shirt off!

Adam Levine: Jerry Seinfeld! Wow!

Jerry Seinfeld: [ with bite ] Hellooooo, Adam.

Adam Levine: Wait… wait a minute. You… want to help me… host?

Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right, Adam! I should be your coach! I get you — Appealing, not as Jewish as your name… I know that tacket inside and out! I spent NINE years on THIS netowrk threading that needle. And I had to work HARD at it. I didn’t have an “interesting” look — like some people! [ he glares at Samberg and Diaz ]

Cameron Diaz: Wait… “Interesting”?

Andy Samberg: That’s fair for me. That’s fair.

Jerry Seinfeld: So, please, Adam… When it comes to your coemdy, be smart, be clever, be one step ahead of the audience! THAT’S where you use your Jewishness. You never rub their nose about how you’re one step ahead of them — and that goes for ALL Jews, by the way. So, please, whatever you do, DON’T take your shirt off!

[ by now, Levine has done just that, and the women in the audience are beside themselves ]

Adam Levine: Thank you! Thank you! That’s GREAT advice! Great advice, Jerry, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! Kendrick Lamar is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Firehouse Incident



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12




















12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Firehouse Incident

Mario…..Kenan Thompson
Clem…..Taran Killam
Jerry…..Adam Levine
Rula…..Nasim Pedrad
Brice…..Bill Hader
Doug…..Bobby Moynihan
Girl…..Cecily Strong

[ open on firehouse exterior ][ dissolve to interior social gathering ]

Mario: Well… it looks like our little department fndraiser is a BIG success!

Clem: Yeah, if we can just get a couple of new hoses out of it, that would be HUGE for us.

Mario: [ glancing off-camera ] Uh-oh.

Clem: What?

Mario: Looks like Jerry’s talking to Brice’s ex-girlfriend, and he is NOT gonna like that.

[ reveal Jerry talking to Rula ]

Clem: Really? Brice seems like such a mellow guy.

[ suddenly, Brice appears, and he’s steamed ]

Brice: [ high-pitched voice ] Hey, fellas! [ his shoulders huff and puff ]

Clem: Hey, Brice. Yuo having a good time?

Brice: Do I LOOK like I’m having a good time, CLEM?! Does ANYNE want to tell me why JERRY’S talking to RULA?!!!

Mario: Brice, is it… is it really that big of a deal?

Brice: Uhhh — YEAH!! Actually, it IS, Mario!! She’s only my EX-GIRLFRIEND!!

Clem: Sorry, I-I’m not following, Brice. Didn’t it end badly between you guys?

Brice: Noooo, it ended awesome — [ outraged ] WHAT DO YOU THINK?!!! And now, he’s over there talking to her, for like FIFTY THOUSAND MINUTES!!!

Mario: Okay, calm down.

[ Jerry steps forward ]

Jerry: Hi, Brice! Hey, guys!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh, hello, JUDAS!!! You having fun with RULA?!!

Jerry: Hey, come on, Brice. You guys dated a decade ago.

Brice: Ohhhhh! Is nine years a decade?! Did they change it to that?! [ outraged ] YOU MAKE ME SIIIIICKKK!!! Is this how our firefighters TREAT EACH OTHER?!!! Did you see “Backdraft”?!! You should be SHUNNED!! [ pointing accusingly ] SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!!…

[ suddenly, Doug sidles into the scene and joins Brice in yelling “SHUN HIM!!!” ]

Clem: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on, get out of here, Doug!

[ Doug exits, as Rula steps forward ]

Rula: Hey, guys! Hey, Brice!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh! Hello, RU-LA!

Rula: [ innocently ] What are you guys talking about?

Brice: What do you think, Nancy Drew?! [ furious ] How could you DO THIS TO ME?!!! We went out for TWO weeks!!!

Rula: Yeah. And then I tried to kiss you, and you threw hot tea in my face.

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh!!! And so you come to OUR fundraiser, and you shake your little APPLE butt?! You skanky little PROSTITUTE!!!

[ the guys react negatively to this unneccesary allegation ]

Brice: SHUT UUUUUUPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!!! You set this whole party up, because you LOOOOOOOOOOOVE drama!!

Doug: [ sidling up ] Yeah, Clem — you’re a drama queen!

Clem: DOUG!!

[ Doug shirks away ]

Jerry: Hey, Brice? You’re the one being a drama queen. Nothing’s going on here.

Brice: Yeah! You’re right, Jerry! Because this party is… OVER!!! [ he yanks the cord from the humidifier ]

Jerry: You — you just unplugged the humidifier. You clearly just want the attention.

Brice: [ outraged ] That is a LIE, JERRY!!! Now, I’m gonna DANCE!! And NO ONE is invited!! Put on my iPod!!

[ Brice’s soundtrack comes on, and he begins to dance by himself to “All Eyes On Me” ]

Jerry: He may be a great firefighter, you guys, but he’s a handful.

Clem: I mean, I’ve never heard him say two words before. He usually just hangs out and he’s pretty quiet.

Mario: Yeah, until you talk to his woman.

Brice: I’m having… A MELTDOWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP!!! I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!!! OKAYYYYYY???!!!!

[ a Girl walks past, glancing at her iPhone ]

Girl: Hey, you guys see they just cancelled that show “Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23”?

Brice: [ devastated ] WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! NOT THE B!!!!! THAT’S BONKERRRRRRRRSSSSSS!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING MEEEEEEE!!! Where’s that stupid dog?! [ he looks down ] Oh! There he is! [ he grabs the dalmatian ] Open the window! Open the window!!

[ Doug is slow to open the window, and in the meantime the dalamatian wrestles Brice to the ground ]

Clem: Are you okay, man?!

Brice: [ stands and catches his breath ] I’m out of here! Goodbye, Ru-la! JERRY!! [ to Doug ] Where’s my coat?! GIVE ME MY COAT!! [ Doug helps Brice into his fur coat, leopard-spotted hat, and scarf ] In the words of my hero, Ms. Mary J. Blige: “I’m leaving this fire house… and I ain’t NEVER COMING BACK!!!”

Jerry: Brice. You can’t leave, you’re on duty.

Brice: WATCH ME!!!

[ Brice jumps on the fire pole, then slowly inches his way down until he disappears from the scene ]

Jerry: Man… that was totally uncalled for.

Rula: You know what? [ smiling ] I got the reaction I wanted.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 26th, 2013

Adam Levine

Kendrick Lamar

None

Andy Samberg

Cameron Diaz

Jerry Seinfeld

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone

Danny McBride

Mickey Madden

Inauguration NightSummary: In the hours following his re-election Inauguration, President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) is ivisted by the Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Transcript

Montage

Adam Levine’s MonologueSummary: Because he comes from a musical background and hasn’t really acted, Adam Levine receives “Voice”-style coaching from Andy Samberg, Cameron Diaz, and Jerry Seinfeld.

Transcript

Rosetta StoneSummary: The online language-learning course for creepy middle-aged men (Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam) who desire to travel to Thailand in search of loose Oriental women.

Circle WorkSummary: Tracy Allstar (Kenan Thompson) and Todd Anthony (Adam Levine) offer gay solutions to the problems offered by their heterosexual guests.

The Sopranos DiariesSummary: Taking a cue from the new “Sex in the City” prequel series, Tony Soprano (Bobby Moynihan) and his fellow goombahs rule the halls of their high school in the 1980’s.

Firehouse IncidentSummary: Brice (Bill Hader) goes berserk when he spots fellow firefighter Jerry (Adam Levine) chatting with his ex-girlfriend Rula (Nasim Pedrad) at a firehouse fundraiser.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Adam Levine and The Lonely Island sing “YOLO”, as demonstration of the strange things they’re willing to do in order to prove that “You Only Live Once”.

Kendrick Lamar performs “Swimming Pools”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments on Hillary Clinton and other women in politics. Ready-to-retire Ray Lewis (Kenan Thompson) rambles about his final game in this year’s Super Bowl.

Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Ray Lewis.

RumbleSummary: Adam Levine organizes a bar rumble against fellow mellow musicians Train (Taran Killam), Jason Mraz (Jason Sudeikis) and John Mayer (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Darius Rucker.

Catfish: The TV ShowSummary: Yaniv “Nev” Schulman (Adam Levine) helps Jaz (Aidy Bryant) determine whether or not her online boyfriend (Jay Pharoah) is the real deal.

Kendrick Lamar performs “Poetic Justice”

Adam and JanetSummary: Janet Peckinpaugh (Bobby Moynihan) is ready for a night of sweet romance with Adam Levine in her Murphy bed.

Recurring Characters: Janet Peckinpaugh.

Biden BashSummary: Forget the boring pageantry of Barack Obama’s inauguration — the real party is taking place in Delaware with Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis), a Neil Diamond impersonator contestant (Adam Levine), and a bouncy castle.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Biden.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Johnny Two Tones



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11
















12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Johnny Two Tones

Girlfriend…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Bobby Moynihan
Tammy…..Nasim Pedrad
Dee Dee…..Aidy Bryant
Brenda…..Jennifer Lawrence
Other Couple…..Taran Killam, Cecily Strong
Donnie…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, Johnny Two Tones ]

Girlfriend: I can’t beleive I’ve never eaten here!

Boyfriend: Yeah! It’s the BEST! It’s like taking a time machine back to Mel’s Diner. And the best part is — all the waitresses are rude to you, ON PURPOSE! Watch!

[ Waitress Tammy appears ]

Tammy: Hey, welcome to Johnny Two Tones! Oh! Where’d you get that shirt, hon? — Abercrombie & YICK?! Oof! [ the couple laughs ] Okay. Someone will be back to take your order — Don’t hold your breath! [ she throws menus on the table ] Ah, on second though — DO hold it! Pee-yoo! [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] That was a RIOT! She was SO darn sassy!

Boyfriend: Yeah, maximum sass! Look — here comes another one!

[ Waitress Dee Dee appears ]

Dee Dee: Oh, great — Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dump! What can I getcha?

Girlfriend: Okay — I’ll have the Patty Melt and a Coke.

Dee Dee: A terrible choice.

Boyfriend: Yeah — and I’ll have a root beer float and the meat loaf.

Dee Dee: Oh! One loaf for the big oaf. [ she collects their menus and exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] This is a delight!

Boyfriend: I know! I told you, right?

Girlfriend: [ looking up, as Waitress Brenda appears ] Here we go!

Boyfriend: Uh-oh!

[ Brenda pours water in their glasses without a word ]

Boyfriend: Thank you!

Girlfriend: Great!

Boyfriend: Hey, aren’t you gonna… hurl insults at us?

Brenda: [ glaring at him ] You’re stupid. [ she turns to glare at Vanessa ] And I HATE you. [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ shrugging ] Well… she was not as fun.

Boyfriend: Yeahhhh… sge mught be new. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her here before.

[ Dee Dee returns with their drinks ]

Dee Dee: Okay — we’ve got a Coke and a root beer, and speaking of roots — Honey, I could see yours coming from a mile away!

Boyfriend: [ laughing ] She got you! [ to Dee Dee ] Hey, can I get a straw?

Dee Dee: Ugh! Hey, Brenda — could you get these turkeys some straws?

[ Brenda re-enters sullenly with the straws ]

Brenda: You’re trash! You’re BOTH trash! And the saddest part… is that you know… that all you are… is garbage.

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Okay… yeah… cool, that was a good one…

[ she crumbles a straw wrapper in her hand and tosses it into Boyfriend’s Coke ]

Brenda: That water is from the toilet. [ she circles Bobby and glares at him ]

Girlfriend: You know what? I’m sure she’s just kidding.

Boyfriend: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Totally! Totally!

[ Tammy re-appears ]

Tammy: Okay, numbskulls — you ready for your grub?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Tammy: Good! Brenda’s got it right here!

Boyfriend: Okay… alright.

[ Brenda re-appears, coughing into their plates of food ]

Girlfriend: Um — this looks great.

Brenda: You peaked in high school, and now you’ll sleep with anyone who’ll ask.

Girlfriend: Okay.

Brenda: [ to Boyfriend ] And you’re gonna DIE! In your BATHROOM!

Boyfriend: Wait — like Elvis?

Brenda: Yeah! Except NO ONE will miss you! [ she flings his food in his face ] Enjoy your lunch. [ she exits ]

Boyfriend: Come on, with the mashed potatoes! [ he tastes it ] Okay, these are NOT mashed potatoes.

[ Dee Dee re-appears ]

Dee Dee: Okay, ding-a-lings, how’s your food? Not like I care!

Boyfriend: Actually, you know what? I think we’re gonna leave.

Dee Dee: Oh? Why?

Girlfriend: Well, Brenda kinda tore us a new one.

Dee Dee: What? Brenda’s our most popular waitress.

[ reveal Brenda yukking it up with another couple, then she holds up a sharp knife at Bobby ]

Boyfriend: Oh, that does not make me feel better.

Girlfriend: Yeah. We’d like to talk to the manager — right now.

Dee Dee: Okay. Have it your way. [ calling ] Donnie!

[ Donnie saunters forward ]

Donnie: Heeeeeyyyy, I’m Donnie! Da manager! Is there a problem?

Boyfriend: Well… we’re kind of unhappy with our service, Donnie.

Donnie: I’m sorry. You know what? How about if we give you guys some free desserts?

Girlfriend: Oh! That’s something!

Boyfriend: That’s actually very nice of you. Thank you, we appreciate that.

Donnie: Okay. [ calling ] BRENDA!! Come back here!

Boyfriend: [ to Vanessa ] You see? It’s a good place, it’s a good place.

[ Brenda returns with sundaes ]

Boyfriend: Oh, nice! A little sundae…

Girlfriend: Cool!

[ Brenda squirts whipped cream into Bobby’s hair, as Donnie follows suit with Vanessa’s hair ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Jennifer Lawrence’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11










12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Jennifer Lawrence’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Lawrence
Tommy Lee Jones…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lawrence!

Jennifer Lawrence: Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so GREAT to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I have had an AMAZING week! On Sunday, I was in Los Angeles, where I was honored to win a Golden Globe for “Silver Linings Playbook”. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It was really exciting, because I have two older brothers, and my whole life they have tormented me, beaten me up, and taken my things. So when I won, I just couldn’t wait to rub it in their faces — and, as soon as I did, they beat me up and took my Golden Globe. So that’s gone.

But the best part about awards show isn’t the awards. It’s all the people you get to meet. And there was one person who was SO much fun at The Globes, that I asked him to come here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the most FUN person I’ve ever met — Tommy Lee Jones!

[ reveal Tommy Lee Jones staring stoicly in the front row with a frown on his face ]

Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy! Do you remember at dinner, when you took that piece of baby corn and ate it like it was regular corn? [ she laughs ] How funny was that!

[ Jones’ expression remains unchanged ]

Jennifer Lawrence: And remember, when we were dancing? What did you call your little dance — the, uh… The Tommy Shuffle? Do The Tommy Shuffle for everyone! Come on, do it!

[ Jones relunctantly bobs his head back and forth ]

Jennifer Lawrence: He’s the BEST! Such a great energy!

Now, one thing happened at The Globes that I need to clarify: During my acceptance speech, I said “I beat Meryl”, which is a quote from “The First Wives Club”. But which some people took as me trash-talking Meryl Styreep, which is crazy. I would NEVER trash-talk any of my fellow nominees at The Golden Globes. But the Oscars are another story. Ladies, I love you all… but you’re about to get served!

[ image appears ] Well, well, well — Look who it is! Jessica Chastain. More like “Jessica Chast-ain’t Winning No Oscar On MY Watch!” In “Zero Dark Thirty”, you caught bin Laden. So what? In “Qinter’s Bone”, I caught a squirrel — and then I ATE IT! BOOM!! Deal with THAT! Also… [ she turns serious ] Every time I see you act, I learn something new.

Who’s next? [ image appears ] If it isn’t my friend — Naomi Watts. You were in “The Impossible”. You know what else is impossible? You beating me on Oscar Night! “Naomi Watts Her Problem? She gonna lose!” Oh, and, Naomi — [ she turns serious ] You are AMAZING in everything you do.

Alright, who’s next? [ image appears ] Oh, it’s 9-year old Quvenzhané Wallis You think you can beat me?! “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Wallis?” Also: The Alphabet called; they want their letters back. Ka-bam! [ she turns serious ] Quvenzhané, I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, and you are a revelation.

[ image appears ] Emmanuelle Riva, from “Amour”. [ laughing ] An 85-year old French lady! Um… yeah! I think I can take you! You know what I say to your Oscar chances, Emmanuelle Riva? “Emmanuelle Riva-derci!”

[ Tommy Lee Jones laughs ]

Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy likes it! Tommy loves it. [ to Jones ] You coming to the after party? [ he he reverts to his stoic stare ] Hot and cold with that guy. We’ve got a great show for you tonight! The Lumineers are here. Stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Love Letters



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11












12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Love Letters

Madeline Cook…..Jennifer Lawrence
Greg Dorfman…..Tim Robinson
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over black-and-white footage ] The Civil War rages into its fourth summer, as two lovers exchange a series of letters. Here, now, is the correspondence between Madeline Cook of Birmingham and her fiancee, Private Greg Dorfman of the 11th Vermont Infantry.

[ dissolve to Madeline writing her letter ]

Madeline Cook: “My Dearest Gregory… I long for your touch, your tender embrace. And I pray for the Good Lord to end this cursed war and return you safely to my arms. Your Love, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory writing his response in an outdoor tent ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline… Hey, what’s up! I miss your body so much. Oh, my God, you’re so hot! What else can I tell you? Oh! We took a picture of our unit yesterday, with a real camera and everything! We had to stand still for like five minutes. I had my BALLS out the entire time!”

[ dissolve to group photo of soldiers, with Greg pointing at his exposed pixellated balls ]

Gregory Dorfman: “The General said I ruined the picture, but… whatever! He hates me. Hey! You should send a tit pic, or something. I’m getting SUPER horny. Later!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “My Darling Gregory… my heart leapt when your letter arrived. But, I must confess: I would like you to make an effort and more eloquently share your feelings with me. For my love for you could fill the deepest ocean. Yours Forever, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: I’m not gonna lie. I was little disappointed when I opened your letter and didn’t see a tit pic. I told a lot of people it was coming. I looked like a real horse’s ass. Oh! I forgot to tell you! Yesterday, I saw this guy get his HEAD blown off! [ he laughs to himself ] In conclusion… the TIT PIC! Make it happen! PEACE!!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Dearest Gregory… as I look upon the leaves and the oak tree outside my window –” [ she scratches this out and starts over ] “You know, I feel I must address this “tit pic” issue. It’s NOT gonna happen! Let it go! I’m starting to think we may just be two different people, going in two different directions.”

[ cut to Gregory sitting in a hospital bed ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline. Um… are you breaking up with me? Well, you’re gonna feel like an ASS! Because I was SHOT! For treason! It’s a long story… I showed some guy a map or something, then everybody got PISSED and they shot me. Please don’t break up with me. And, more importantly — please reconsider the T.P.!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Gregory… we are through. Harold Thompson has returned honorably from battle. I have accepted his proposal of marriage and BURNED the photograph you sent me of your genitals with the inscription: “Now, you.””

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: Okay, I get it! Clear as day! You don’t want any part of me — fine! Juat need to ask you a favor: Please go to my mother’s house in Bakersfield. Tell her I love her. Then go in the basement. There’s a camera down there. Set it up… take your shirt off… take a picture… send that picture to ME! It’s the least you could do. Well, this is MY last breath!”

[ Gregory’s body jolts as he lays dead across his bed ]

[ suddenly, Abraham Lincoln enters the frame, feels Gregory’s pulse, then turns to the camera and cries ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Gregory, with CAPTION: “Private Gregory Dorfman: 1836-1864” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Post Hunger Games News Conference



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11


















12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Post Hunger Games News Conference

Seneca Crane…..Bill Hader
Peeta Mellark…..Taran Killam
Katniss Everdeen…..Jennifer Lawrence
Reporter #1…..Kenan Thompson
Reporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Reporter #3…..Tim Robinson
Reporter #4…..Cecily Strong
Reporter #5…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over stock film footage ] Congratulations to the winners of The Hunger Games! — Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!

[ dissolve to title card: “10 Minutes Later” ]

[ open to Katniss and Peeta seated with Seneca Crane at a news conference ]

Seneca Crane: Thank you for coming to the Post Hunger Games press conference. Catniss and Petta — our winners — will be happy to answer your few brief questions.

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #1: Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, um… What the hell kind of name is “Katniss Everdeen”?

Katniss Everdeen: Well… Everdeen is an old District 12 name, and… “Katniss”, my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment, and we never really knew if that was what she had in mind. [ she looks over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yeah, Katniss — I really enjoyed your performance out there today.

Katniss Everdeen: Thank you.

Reporter #2: I found it helped take my mind off the constant, crippling hunger I feel every day. I’m just absolutely starving all the time.

Katniss Everdeen: [ chuckling ] Been there!

Reporter #2: Yeah. So, my question is — and maybe you’re not the best person to ask: Is there going to be a buffet or a boxed lunch after this press event?

Seneca Crane: I think we made it very clear… that there would be no refreshments today.

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #3: Uhhh — first of all, Congratulations.

Katniss Everdeen: Thanks.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Thank you.

Reporter #3: Uh… I was talking to Katniss.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Sorry.

Reporter #3: Did you have a chance to speak with any of the other competitors after the game? If so, What was their mood?

[ Katniss and Peeta stare at one another ]

Katniss Everdeen: They’re all dead…

Reporter #3: [ stunned ] Really? All of them?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes.

Reporter #3: [ confused ] Is that… unusual?

Katniss Everdeen: No. That’s how The Hunger Games work.

Reporter #3: Uhhh… my apologies. I usually cover the GOLF beat! [ he laughs nervously ] Our HUnger Games guy is on vacation, so…

Katniss Everdeen: [ glancing over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yes. Is it possible to get some branches or roots to gnaw on? Because I am SOOO hungry.

Seneca Crane: There will be no food. Not even branches.

Reporter #4: Uh… question for Katniss. Obviously, one of the key moments is when you killed that girl from Distrct 1, with genetically-engineered wasps. Uh — can you take us through that?

Katniss Everdeen: Well, it was pretty basic — I was high up in a tree, directly above her… the wasps’ nest was on a branch; I sawed it off, and the nest landed right on her. Just like we drew it up in practice.

Reporter #4: Perfect execution.

Katniss Everdeen: Well, you gotta give a lot of credit to the wasps — they were great.

Seneca Crane: Guys… can we try to get a couple of questions for Peeta here? [ Peeta meekly raises his hand ] Just one question for, uh, for Peeta?

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here. Uh, Peeta — You got a leg injury on the second day, and then you decided to disgusuie yourself with paint, to look like a rock.

Peeta Mellark: That’s right.

Reporter #1: Now… when you did that, were you thinking: “This is cool. People at home or gonna be really into this.” Or, were you thinking: “This stinks! I stink at this!”

Peeta Mellark: What? Well, I mean, there’s more to the games than manly aggression or testosterone. Sometimes you have to use your guile and cunning.

Reporter #1: By painting yourself like a rock?!

Seneca Crane: [ sternly ] I think he answered that question! Let’s keep this moving. [ he looks among the reporters ] Yes?

Reporter #5: Uh, uh, uh, yeah — There’s been a lot of talk recently about PEDs. Uh, Katniss, uh — Have you been using performance-enhancing drugs?

Katniss Everdeen: Absolutely not.

Reporter #5: Okay, uh — follow-up for Peeta: Have you been using performance-reducing drugs? [ Reporter #1 guffaws loudly ] I’m just playing! I’m just playing!

Seneca Crane: Does anybody else have a question?

Reporter #3: Uhhhh — I have one. Uh… what’s with your BEARD?!

Seneca Crane: [ scrunching his eyes ] My beard?

Reporter #3: No — the other guy with an insane beard. Yeah, YOU!!

Seneca Crane: I’m not here to talk about my beard.

Reporter #1: Oh, yeah — I bet you HATE it when people talk about your beard!

Seneca Crane: We just had the first Hunger Games in history with two winners. NO ONE wants to ask about that?

Reporter #1: Oh, well, I will! Uh — There are allegations that you pretended to be in love so that you both could win. Uh, how do you address that?

Katniss Everdeen: Ugh! You gotta ignore rumors like that. We are TOTALLY in love.

Reporter #1: [ skeptical ] Really?

Katniss Everdeen: Why is that so hard to believe?

Reporter #1: Well, for one — you’re so much taller than him.

Katniss Everdeen: I’m not that much taller than him.

Reporter #1: Well, then, stand up!

Katniss Everdeen: Fine. [ she stands ]

Peeta Mellark: [ not moving ] And I’ve been standing this whole time.

Seneca Crane: That’s it! No more questions!

Reporter #2: [ quickly ] When you shave, can I eat the beard?!

Seneca Crane: This press conference is OVER!

[ the short Peeta hobbles away from the table, as Katniss and Seneca follow suit ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts