Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

74th Annual Hunger Games

Caesar Flickerman…..Bill Hader
Claudius Templesmith…..Fred Armisen
Maria Gutierrez…..Sofia Vergara
Thresh…..Jay Pharoah
Male Tribute…..Taran Killam
Female Tribute…..Nasim Pedrad
Peeta…..Andy Samberg
Katniss Everdeen…..Abby Elliott

[a golden seal reading “74th Annual Hunger Games” appears over a forest landscape]

Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!

[Caesar Flickerman appears with blue hair, next to Claudius Templesmith with Beethoven hair and crazy eyebrows]

Caesar Flickerman: Welcome back to the 74th Hunger Games, this is Caesar Flickerman here with Claudius Templesmith–

Claudius Templesmith: Hiii.

Caesar Flickerman: Intense first day of competetion; already ten tributes have lost their young lives! [he grins wickedly]

Claudius Templesmith: Sad.

Caesar Flickerman: Now for a closer look at the carnage on the field, we turn to the newest member of our team, Miss Maria Gutierrez. Maria!

[cut to Maria with bright pink Effie Trinket hair and suit smiling in the forest]

Maria Gutierrez: Hi, you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Maria, tell us what it’s like down there on the field.

Maria Gutierrez: It is a total blast! They should call it the Fun-ger Games, because everyone is having so much fun! [Thresh nervously leans into the shot wielding a knife]

Caesar Flickerman: Yeah. Maria, have you got to speak to any of the competitors?

Maria Gutierrez: Not yet, but I think that I see someone over there. [she sneaks over to a clump of bushes and smacks another male tribute on the shoulder; he startles, terrified] Hi! [she laughs] Ay, don’t be shy, come out from behind that bush. [she drags him in front of the camera] Let the people see you! So tell me, what’s been the most surprising thing about the Hunger Games?

Male Tribute: Well, that’s a good question. You know what’s been funny? I haven’t been that hungry–

[a female tribute leaps out of nowhere and attacks him with a knife]

Female Tribute: DIE!! [they fall to the ground]

Maria Gutierrez: Ay! Well, you know what that means! Wait for it! [she pauses excitedly and a cannon fires, signaling that a tribute has been killed] BOOM! HUNGER GAAAAAAMES! Back to you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Please keep us posted. As a reminder, the Hunger Games are brought to you by Tylenol. [a Tylenol logo appears] Got a spear in your head? Tylenol!

Maria Gutierrez: Hey, you guys! I found another one. Look what this crazy kid did! He’s pretending to be moss! [she crouches down next to Peeta, who has unconvincingly disguised himself in leaf-printed clothing and is lying on a rock] Oh, and it looks like he’s got a huge cut in his leg, it’s really bad! [she laughs and pokes his leg and the tribute groans in pain]

Peeta: It hurts! I don’t wanna die!

Maria Gutierrez: Well, you’re in luck, ’cause it looks like you got a gift from a sponsor! [a silver container floats down on a parachute and the tribute grabs it]

Peeta: Oh, God! Is it medicine for my leg?

Maria Gutierrez: Let’s see! [he opens it and she gasps excitedly and pulls out a sandwich packet] Even better! It’s Uncrustables! From the good people at Smucker’s, all the fun of peanut butter and jelly without the crust! [looks back at the tribute, who has stopped moving] Ay, he died. [she cackles and stands up, shimmying her chest] HUNGER GAAAAAMES! YAAAAY! [the cannon fires]

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria. That’s twelve tributes now brutally killed in just a few hours! [he grins]

Maria Gutierrez: You guys! Look at this! [cut back to Maria standing beside Katniss with a bow and arrow and a brown plait] It’s the woman of the hour — Katniss! Katniss, I love when you came out of that chariot, you were surrounded by the flames, but then you ruffled the dress and also flames!

Katniss Everdeen: [looking around anxiously and whispering] You need to shut your mouth!

Maria Gutierrez: [happily] Ay, Katniss, does Peeta know that you have a boyfriend back home? Ooooh…

Katniss Everdeen: Here, these berries are good, try these. [she puts poisonous berries into Maria’s hand and walks away]

Maria Gutierrez: She’s so sweet, she gave me berries! [she eats a handful] Very sour, but they’re good! [eats a few more] OK, I’m dying now. But I’m still hungry. [eats the rest] Hungry…for more HUNGER GAAAAAAAMES!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Coming up next, stay tuned for the Hunger Games Puppy Bowl! [a graphic appears of two puppies attacking each other with knives] Once more, we’re here at the Hunger Games!

Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Hunger Games!

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Goodnights

…..Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara: Thank you SO much! One Direction — Thanks! Thank you, “SNL”, for having me, I had the BEST time! [ she blows a kiss ] Buenos noches, Columbia!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Just Friends Booty Shorts

Barista…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Guy #2…..Andy Samberg
Clerk…..Nasim Pedrad
Gay Guy…..Taran Killam

[ open on two guys standing in line at coffee counter ]

Barista: Your Mint lattes. By the way — you guys are a really cute couple.

Guy #2: Uhhh…

Guy #1: Couple? No… [ he laughs ] No, no, no… uh… mmm-mmm.

[ cut to two guys at antique shop ]

Guy #1: Hey, check this out. It’s pretty cool. [ he opens a jewelry box ]

Clerk: It’s so nice to see couples antiquing.

Guy #1: [ exasperated ] We’re not a GAY couple!

Announcer: Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?

[ the two guys shake their heads ]

[ cut to the two guys jogging down the street, playfully swatting at one another as they run ]

Announcer: Set the record STRAIGHT… with Just Friends Booty Shorts.

[ reveal rear shot of the two guys jogging, with “Just” and “Friends” printed across both of their shorts ]

Announcer: The tight-fitting blend of lycra and spandex will make sure the message gets out LOUD AND CLEAR!

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Jingle:
“Do me a favor
Don’t love me so much.”

Announcer: For the look that SCREAMS: “We’re available, ladies.”

[ the two guys run piggyback down the street, showing off for a trio of passing ladies ]

Jingle:
“You keep going in and out now
Messing with my mind.”

[ cut to the two guys hoppig on the back of a motorcycle, as the Barista watches. The motorcycle struggles to pull away, making it look like Guy #1 is giving it to Guy #2 in the rear. ]

[ cut to coffee shop, as Gay Guy approaches the two guys ]

Gay Guy: Well, hel-lo! [ he glances down and sees the “Just Friends” shorts ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I — [ he runs off, embarrassed ]

[ the two guys tip their cups triumphantly ]

Announcer: Available in both small… and tight.

[ cut to Guy #1 playfully shoving an extra-long hot dog into Guy #2’s mouth ]

Announcer: And if you really want to get the point across… try one of our “Not Gay” tanktops.

[ cut to the two guys in a bar, with “Not” and “Gay” written across their tanktops ]

Guy #1: [ as his cell phone rings ] I gotta take this. [ he answers ] Hello!

[ Guy #1 walks away, leaving Guy #2 alone at the bar in his “Gay” tanktop, which immediately attracts a couple of bears ]

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Announcer: Just Friends Booty Shorts.

Guy #1: Because we’re TOTALLY straight! Well… usually!

Guy #2: [ laughing ] Oh, you!

[ they laugh and playfully punch one another ]

Guy #1: Come here, you!

[ Guy #1 pulls Guy #2 backwards and kisses him on the lips ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 7th, 2012

Sofia Vergara

One Direction

None

Manolo Gonzalez

None

Road to the White HouseSummary: Campaigning around the country, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) appeases each group he speaks with, in a vain attempt to fit in with their cultural ideals.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Ann Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Sofia Vergara’s MonologueSummary: Sofia Vergara talks about her roots in Columbia, introduces her son Manolo Gonzalez in the audience, and rolls words off her tongue that sound sexy with a Spanish accent.

Transcript

Just Friends Booty ShortsSummary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) want to make it clear that they are just friends, not gay lovers, so they wear the booty shorts that will set everyone straight.

Transcript

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Drew Barrymore (Kristen Wiig), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Fran Drescher (Sofia Vergara).

Recurring Characters: Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, Drew Barrymore, Fran Drescher, Mayim Bialik, Joey Lawrence.

Almost PizzaSummary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.

Transcript

News PromoSummary: During a news promo shoot, traffic reporter Hope Hines (Fred Armisen) just can’t seem to grasp the concept of turning to face the camera.

GillySummary: After disrupting Mrs. Roberts’ (Sofia Vergara) Sex Ed class, Gilly (Kristen Wiig) is told to imagine the consequences of her actions during her life’s final moments.

Recurring Characters: Gilly, Sam Jeffers, Liam, Paula.

One Direction performs “What Makes You Beautiful”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is not looking forward to spending the Easter holiday with his family.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a woman (Sofia Vergara) is reunited with her birth mother (Kristen Wiig), who is also seeing her husband (Bill Hader) behind her back.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Note: Repeat from 11b.

Watch What Happens: LiveSummary: Andy Cohen (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Desmond Tutu.

One Direction performs “One Thing”

Pantene CommercialSummary: While taping a commercial for Pantene, Sofia Vergara is given the easy words to pronounce, while co-star Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon) is given the tougher, multi-syllabic words to stumble through.

Transcript

74th Annual Hunger GamesSummary: While covering the Hunger Games, field reporter Maria Gutierrez (Sofia Vergara) loudly gives away the hiding places of the competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Frozen PlanetSummary: Narrator (Sofia Vergara) documents the animals who live in the Arctic.

FloridaSummary: A pair of explorers (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg) discover the state of Florida.

The HorseSummary: A cowboy (Jason Sudeikis) encounters difficulty in getting off his high horse.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Su-Shin…..Fred Armisen
Debbie Wasserstein…..Vanessa Bayer
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Benihana ]

[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit opposite Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman. ]

Adam Grossman: Good evening, ladies! Are these seats free?

Woman 1: Yes, they are.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. Like Heidi Klum, my father is recently divorced; unlike Heidi Klum: EVERYTHING ELSE!

[ the two women smile enthusiastically ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Woman #1: What a cute little boy!

Adam Grossman: Cool your jets, sweetheart — it’ll never work between us! You’re a mature woman, and I’m this many: [ he holds out a full hand and one extra thumb ]

Evan Grossman: Don’t bother these nice ladies!

Su-Shin: [ starting his routine ] Good evening!

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Su-Shin! I love your showmanship, but please be careful with those knives! You’re giving me flashbacks to my BRIS! I don’t know if I should clap, or cover my SCHMECKEL! I’m KIDDING, Su-Shin! Mazel Tov and Arregato to you!

Su-Shin: [ smiling ] How are you, Adam-son?

Adam Grossman: I’m hanging in there by a thread, Su-Shin! My father’s new girlfriend is joining us tonight! They me on-line! Based on what I read on my father’s J-Date profile, his hobbies include [ making quotation marks ] “stretching the truth”! He described himself as “outdoorsy”! [ he busts a gut laughing ] Hilarious! This is the man who has to pop a CLARITIN before he goes into the GARAGE! I’m kidding! Lighten up!

[ Debbie arrives ]

Debbie Wasserstein: Hello, Evan! [ she kisses him on the cheek ]

Evan Grossman: Hello, Debbie. That’s a very smart sweater.

Adam Grossman: Oooh-whoaaaaaa!! Did a hurricane of sexuality just burst in here, or did Debbie Wasserstein just enter the buildinggggg!

Evan Grossman: Adam.

Adam Grossman: You look LOVELY, Debbie! And that — ugh! — perfume! Let me guess: FROWN, by Calvin Klein!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: Rimshot! But don’t laugh too hard, Su-Shin — I’ve seen your WIFE! [ to the ladies ] Su-Shin’s wife is so UGLY, their towels say “His” and “Its“!

Evan Grossman: Adam!

Adam Grossman: WHAT?! Su-Shin LOVES it, look at his face!

[ Su-Shin is cracking up ]

Adam Grossman: Say! I am THIRSTY! Who does a kid have to give a BLOW POP to, to get a DRINK around here?!

[ Waiter walks up ]

Waiter: Uh, good evening. Welcome to Benihana.

Adam Grossman: How are you, my man? Real talk: When I was 3, I cried every time I saw a black fella! I wasn’t racist, I just didn’t know how to PROCESS things! But now I’m 6… [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] and I’m hip to your plate! You are my BROTHER! [ in a Sammy Davis, Jr. voice ] “And I think this whole coo-coo thing you’re doing is fabulous!” Who knows who that was! It was Sammy Davis, Jr.! Anybody?! They don’t know! I don’t know! Who knows? I’m SIX!!

Waiter: Well, can I take your drink order?

Adam Grossman: Let’s do a round of sake bombs, my man! I’m JOKING! I’m SIX! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] But I do want to celebrate the fact that I swam the length of the pool without my floaties today! I just put my head down, remembered to breathe, and pretended Debbie was chasing me! [ Debbie frowns ] Here’s that million-dollar smi-illlle!

Evan Grossman: It is RUDE to talk about Debbie like that!

Adam Grossman: Alright! Alright! Then, let’s talk about what I found in your medicine cabinet: [ to the women ] VIAGRA! [ presumably, the woman frown from outside the camera angle ] Don’t look at me like that! I’m gonna snoop! I’m 6! [ finally reveal the women frowning ] I was just looking for a Flintstones Chewable to get me through a tough Wednesday, and I took a SCHWARTZ pill by accident! Let’s just say it made for an interesting day at Hebrew School. My DESK was a FOOT higher than everyone else’s! The torque kept sliding off of my lap! Everything was not kosher!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: I’m SIX!! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] Su-Shin! Any chance, maybe I can eat before I’m SEVEN?!

Su-Shin: Pepper steak?

Adam Grossman: Thank you, Su-Shin, sweetheart!

Su-Shin: [ to Debbie ] Pepper steak?

Debbie Wasserstein: No, thank you.

Adam Grossman: Just because you put it in Debbie’s face doesn’t mean she’ll put it in her mouth! Dad knows!

Evan Grossman: [ outraged ] Adam!

Adam Grossman: Oh! All I’m saying is: I hope this bar has an elevator, ’cause that’s the only thing Debbie goes DOWN on! [ to the women ] If you think that joke is immature, it IS! So am I! I’m SIX!! [ he pushes his fingers and extra thumb towards the women ]

Evan Grossman: She makes me happy, Adam…

Adam Grossman: And that makes me happy! You’re my Dad! I love you more than anything! And, Debbie, she’s a mensch, and I love her, too!

Debbie Wasserstein: And I love you, Adam.

Adam Grossman: Your voice is so sexy, I can’t beleive my Dad has to take a pill! [ he rolls his eyes ] Well, I’ve had so many Shirley Temples… [ he cracks up ] I feel like she’s dancing on my bladder! Dad! Care to escort me to the bathroom?

Evan Grossman: You’re old enough to go on your own, Adam.

Adam Grossman: [ flabbergasted ] Do you not watch the NEWS?! There are strangers out there who want to grab my TOOKIS!

Evan Grossman: Okay, okay…

Adam Grossman: Besides, you’re my BEST FRIEND, and you can’t blame me for wanting to spend time with you! Hold my little boy hands!

[ Adam raises his arms, as Evan grabs his sons hands and exits with him to the bathroom ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

The Rush Limbaugh Show

Rush Limbaugh…..Taran Killam

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: He’s America’s most listened to talk show host!

Jingle: “Ruuuuush Limbaugh!”

[ dissolve to Rush Limbaugh broadcasting from his studio ]

Rush Limbaugh: Greetings, folks! You’re listening to Rush Limbaugh! Let’s get right to it! The left-wing femi-nazi liberal propaganda machine has been thrown into an absolute conniption fit… over some comments I made recently. I called a Georgetown law student a “slut” and a “prostitute”… and even though I apologized for my terminology… many of my sponsors have withdrawn their support! Including… the COWARDS over at AOL… the SLUTS at Turbo Tax… and the PROSTITUTES at the American Heart Association! But despite losing those and 89 other sponsors… I am NOT worried! Because I have new, BETTER sponsors! Great American companies, like:

[ reading ] “Sherman’s Imitation Mayonnaise. It might not be mayonnaise… but it IS a bargain.”

“The Syria Tourism Board. Ah! No! There’s nowhere to hide! Syria!”

And… “Barney’s Butt Crack Balm. For when your crack gets chapped!”

Many thanks to our new sponsors. See, folks? El Rushbo’s doing just fine — [ he looks off-camera ] What’s that? Okay, I’ve just been told that the SLUTS at Barney’s Butt Crack Balm have pulled their sponsorship. Don’t need ya’, Barney! ‘Cause I still got plenty of high-end sponsors! Like:

[ reading ] “Moist Books! Hey! Who left these books out in the rain? WE did! Moist Books.”

“The Mosquito Breeders of America. Ring-ring! More mosquitoes, please!”

And… “Depends for Racists! If you pee a little every time you see a MEXICAN… you need… Depends for Racists!”

Once again, we’re very grateful to all our new sponsors. Coming up in the next hour: More details on the Vince Foster murder — but! First! I’d like to thank my good friends AT:

[ reading ] “Loose Marshmallows! Hey! Want to grab a handful of loose marshmallows? Okay! Loose Marshmallows.”

And the patriots at… “Lee’s Pencil Dullers! ‘Ow! This pencil is TOO sharp!’ ‘Here — try this pencil duller!’ ‘What is it? A pencil duller!’ ‘What does it do?’ ‘What do you think? It dulls pencils!’ Fine, sure, give me one!'” [ he glances hopelessly off-camera ] “Lee’s Pencil Dullers!”

Also: “The healthy new snack: Misaki Dolphin Poppers! All the nutrients we need, ’cause dolphins are SO much like us! So start your day off right! With bits of dolphin in your mouth!”

And, finally: The great, great, great people at “Schroeder’s Fake Rape Whistles. Help is NOT on the way!”

So there you have it. Rush Limbaugh, STRONG as ever, NOT going anywhere! There could be a nuclear APOCALYPSE! And I would STILL be right here… calling the cockroaches SLUTS… and… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

Jonah Hill’s Monologue

…..Jonah Hill
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Tom Hanks

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!

Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Um — my name is Jonah Hill, and I am SO excited to be here! Uhhh… a lot of hosts say, “Hey! It’s been a great year for me!” [ he pauses ] But, really — it’s been a GREAT year for me! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! I was in a film I’m extremely proud of, called “Moneyball”. [ the audience whoops ] Thank you. And, yes, even though “The Artist” won Best Picture, I still think “Moneyball” was one of this year’s best TALKIES. I… can’t believe we’re back to using that term. But “C’est la vie!” as Jean Dujardin doesn’t say. Uh… now — [ he laughs ] honestly, one thing about my role in “Moneyball” was that I, myself, was nominated for the Academy Award. [ the audience whoos ] Uh… thank you very much. Christopher Plummer, uh, won for his amazing performance, but just being at the ceremony was an incredible honor. Plus: It was extra special, because my grandfather, Billy Crystal, was hosting.

Um… now that all the awards are over, though, I’m just happy to be back to my regular self. That’s why being here with all my best friends at “SNL” is so great. In fact, I had a camea crew follow me this week. Let’s take a look.

[ film begins with an exterior of “30 Rock, Monday Morning” ]

[ cut to interior, Andy Samberg walking through the “SNL” offices as Hill enters ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Jonah! How are you?

Jonah Hill: Hey! [ he shakes Andy’s hand ] How you doing?

Andy Samberg: Good!

Jonah Hill: Uh… maybe you could get, like, a Diet Coke or something?

Andy Samberg: [ confused ] What?

Jonah Hill: I’m just a little parched from all the, uh, Red Carpet banter and Oscar nom stuff!

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: People are… really excited I’m back.

[ return to Hill with Andy ]

Jonah Hill: Get that Diet coke, and we’ll see if there’s a tip in in for ya’!

Andy Samberg: [ fuming ] Okay… cool.

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: I think after the Oscar nomination, some people were worried I would, maybe, take myself too seriously, uhhhh, but… [ backstage footage reveals Hill practicing martial arts moves ] I’m not fancy to let loose and have fun.

[ cut to “Wardrobe Department, Tuesday”, as Hill approaches Jay Pharaoh during a measurement ]

Jonah Hill: Yay? Yah?

Jay Pharoah: Um… Jay.

Jonah Hill: Jay.

Jay Pharoah: Yeah?

Jonah Hill: Uh… I’m having soem trouble… understanding my character. In your sketch? “Black Captain Jack Sparrow”?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah. You’re, like, in my entourage.

Jonah Hill: Okay. What does Captain Black Jack Sparrow sound like?

Jay Pharoah: [ in an exaggerated voice ] I mean, you know… sort of like this, right? Sort of like, ‘Mr. Gibbs, where are the ribs?'”

Jonah Hill: Why is he black?

Jay Pharoah: Uh… because I’m black?

Jonah Hill: [ as he walks away ] You’re good… you’re good.

Jay Pharoah: Thanks.

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: “SNL”. I think it’s almost… modern-day kabuki! Uh… it’s wearing different masks.

[ cut to “Writer’s Offices, Wednesday”, as Bobby Moynihan chats with Nasim Pedrad ]

Bobby Moynihan: Am I crazy, or do his glasses keep getting smaller… and his scarves keep getting bigger?

[ reveal footage of Hill in smaller and smaller glasses with bigger and bigger scarves ]

[ cut to “Hair & Makeup, Thursday”, Hill sitting next to Kristen Wiig in make-up chairs ]

Jonah Hill: I feel so weird. [ Kristen gives him a funny look ] You know that feeling, like you were just nominated for an Oscar? [ she smiles knowingly ] What am I talking about? [ he laughs ] Of COURSE you don’t know that feeling!

Kristen Wiig: Actually, I was nominated. Remember? For Writing for Best Original Screenplay?

Jonah Hill: That is so cute! Was that before or after Visual Effects won?

Kristen Wiig: [ steamed ] Oh, yeah?! Well, congrats on losing to Christopher Plummer!

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Am I… am I… am I jealous of Christopher Plummer? [ he takes a moment ] No… no! I’m happy for him!

[ return to Hill arguing with Kristen ]

Jonah Hill: Whatever!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah!

Jonah Hill: Where’s your typewriter?!

Kristen Wiig: I don’t use a typewriter!

Jonah Hill: [ mocking ] You don’t?

Kristen Wiig: Noooo…

Jonah Hill: What do you use, a quill…?

Kristen Wiig: I use a computerrrrr…

Jonah Hill: Did you go to the Mac Store?”

Kristen Wiig: Yeah.

Jonah Hill: Were you, like, “Hi! Is there a Mac genius around? I need a screenwriting program, because I need to write this new screenplay… called…”

[ Kristen gives him the evil eye while waiting for him to finish ]

Jonah Hill: “I’m Dumb!”

[ cut to overhead shot of Hill walking across a set as Marika Sawyer reviews her notes ]

[ cut to Bobby Moynihan tolerating Hill in his office ]

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: Um… as I’ve grown up and matured into, um… one of our finest actors, I think… I think… I’m going to have to move on from things like this.”

[ cut to Andy Samberg handing Hill a cup of Diet Coke, then running. Hill sips, then spits and tosses the cup of piss to the floor ]

[ cut to Hill testimonial ]

Jonah Hill: Oh, my gosh… what should I do tonight? [ he checks his watch ] Why don’t I call my buddy Brad Pitt up? I’ve go his phone number here, so… [ he dials on his cell phone ] I’m gonna put him on Speaker, give you guys a little thrill! [ Operator’s recorded voice announces the number cannot be connected ] Uh… uh… I’m not getting any… service in here…

[ footage ends; return to Home Base ]

Jonah Hill: Yeah. I, uh… should have watched that before we aired it. Look — I’m sorry if I got a little carried away with all this Oscar stuff. You know… I realize now that awards come and go, but… my friends are what’s most important.

[ Tom Hanks runs up on stage ]

Tom Hanks: BRAVO!! BRAVO!! That is a GREAT thing to hear, Jonah!

Jonah Hill: Tom Hanks!

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Tom Hanks: I, uh, I just dropped by to see if anybody wants to talk about the Space program. Does… anybody?

Jonah Hill: Okay! [ he laughs ] Yeah! Okay!

Tom Hanks: No, no, no! I heard what you were just saying about the awards going to your head, and I can totally… relate. Now… after I won my second Academy Award in ’94 — Thank You! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Uh — I asked my wife to sleep on the couch, so that there would be enough room in my bed for my Oscars to spread out. I used to carry both of them around, you know. I’d asked people, “Hey! Do you want to meet the Kick-Ass Twins, huh? It’s Philadelphia! It’s Forrest Gump! Philadelphia! Forrest! Philly! Senor Forrest! Philly-Forrest!” But, anyway — uh, I stopped doing that a few days ago, and I really learned my lesson. And so have YOU! You have mastered… the role of a mature and caring man… and I would like you… to have this. [ he holds out one of his Oscars ]

Jonah Hill: One of your Oscars? Do you mean it?

Tom Hanks: Sure! Yeah, go ahead. [ Hill reaches for it, as Hanks pulls it away ] NO!! I’m just kidding! Jeez! Are you kidding? You LOST, man! You don’t get no Oscar! [ comforting his Oscar ] I’m sorry… I’m sorry I almost let that boy touch you. It’s okay… it’s okay… You’re back with Poppa now. It’s alright. [ he kisses his Oscar ]

Jonah Hill: Fair enough! Alright. Well, uh… Tom? Uh, you’re a legend, and I’m honored to be up here with you. Would you say it with me?

Tom Hanks: Absolutely!

Jonah Hill: We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Tom Hanks: THE SHINS are here!

Jonah Hill: so stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Hanks continues to hold his Oscar out of Hill’s reach ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

Goodnights

…..Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill: I would like to thank The Shins! I would like to thank Mr. Tom Hanks! I would like to thank “SNL”, Lorne Michaels, the cast, the writers, the crew! I would like to thank my parents, my friends up there, and I would like to thank Steven ?? We love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 11th, 2012

Jonah Hill

The Shins

None

Tom Hanks

John McEnroe

None

The Rush Limbaugh ShowSummary: Following the controversy of referring to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke as a “whore” and a prostitute”, Rush Limbaugh (Taran Killam) is short a few of his sponsors, but relunctantly announces a collection of new, if less-improved, sponsors that have taken their places.

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh.

Transcript

Montage

Jonah Hill’s MonologueSummary: Jonah Hill introduces backstage footage which reveals that he’s let his recent Oscar nomination go to his bed. Fortunately, he realizes the error of his ways, and two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks salutes him thusly.

Transcript

Six Year OldSummary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) continues to embarrass his divorced dad (Bill Hader) and his Internet girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.

Recurring Characters: Adam Grossman, Evan Grossman, Su-Shin.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In an installment of “Science Finders”, Darius Rucker Jr. (Andy Samberg) tests stress levels on the human heart by shooting tennis balls at Dean’s (Jonah Hill) crotch.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: apan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with would-be ninja Martin Blackfield (Jonah Hill).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.

The Shins perform “Simple Song”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paula Deen (Kristen Wiig). Andy Samberg. Stefon (Bill Hader)

Recurring Characters: Paula Deen, Stefon.

Primate Research CenterSummary: Professor (Jonah Hill) has successfully trained a monkey named Brutus (Fred Armisen) to talk, but doesn’t expect Brutus to spill the beans about sharing exercises in beastiality with one another.

Liza Minnelli Tries To Turn Off A LampSummary: Liza Minnelli (Kristen Wiig) prances around the room in her attempt to turn off a tricky lamp prior to going out on the town with her guest (Jonah Hill).

The Shins perform “It’s Only Life”

Anniversary SongSummary: Harold (Jonah Hill) surprises Lauren (Kristen Wiig) on their anniversary by performing a Coolio song with a full orchestra at his disposal.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ESPN SportsCenterSummary: A discussion of the NFL Bounty scandal.

HannitySummary: Sean Hannity (Taran Killam) talks with pollster Frank Luntz (Jonah Hill), who analyzes voter reaction to Republican candidate speeches.

Recurring Characters: Sean Hannity.

Let’s Have a Wonderful TimeSummary: “Glee”‘s Lea Michele (Abby Elliott) chats up the house band on her new talk show.

Forensic InvestigationSummary: The lead actor (Jonan Hill) in a TV show doesn’t speak English.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Fox Report

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney…..Kristen Wiig
Taggert Romney…..Taran Killam
Tanner Romney…..Seth Meyers
Tiggett Romney…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Targalack Romney…..Fred Armisen
Tic Tac Romney…..Bobby Moynihan
Kid Rock…..Andy Samberg

[ open on show graphics ]

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: Welcome to “Fox Report”. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a shy little possum! Things are heating up for the GOP. The Michigan, Arizona primaries were this week, and we’re only days away from Super Tuesday. Joining me now are the big winners from last week — please welcome Mitt and Ann Romney.

[ the Romneys appear from their living room ]

Mitt Romney: Hello there, Shepard!

Ann Romney: Thanks for having us!

Shepard Smith: How do you feel about the Michigan win?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well — we feel GREAT! Michigan was just another ase of voters taking a look at Mitt Romney and saying, Ehhhh… I guess.”

Shepard Smith: Despite your success, you keep making gaffes that paint you as a wealthy businessman who’s out of touch with the middle class voters.

Mitt Romney: Uh, I’m not focusing on that, Shepard! I’m focusing on the VICTORIES! And, as we say in the Romney house: “I’m happier than a poor man eating a can of beans from a dumpster! Yum yum yum yum yum!”

Shepard Smith: [ excited ] Wowwwww! Your shoes must be made out of chocolate, because you keep putting your FOOT in your mouth!

Mitt Romney: Oh, no. My shoes aren’t made of chocolate, Shepard. No, no, they’re made of a fine Italian leather, and, uh, they are $1,200 a piece. Yeah — they cost more than most Americans make in a month! Uh-oh! I’m doing it again! [ he chuckles heartily ]

Shepard Smith: Ann Romney, many are saying that you’re the irresistable spark plug in this campaign.

Ann Romney: [ happily ] I am!

Shepard Smith: You keep the energy up.

Ann Romney: I do!

Shepard Smith: Any funny stories about Mitt on the campaign trail?

Ann Romney: [ laughing to herself ] No.

Shepard Smith: THank you, Ann and Mitt Romney. Okay, uh — [ he looks off-stage ] What’s that, Mother? [ reveal stuffed “Mother” skeleton from “Psycho” ] I know we’ve got more guests, Mother. Mother… don’t give me that look. I ate all of my lima beans! [ he looks at the camera and crosses his fingers ] Fib! The Romney campaign has been a family campaign, and joining us now is a reminder of his human side — the Romneys’ adult sons.

[ reveal a quintet of younger Mitt Romney look-a-likes ]

Romney Sons: [ robotic ] Hel-lo, Shep-hard!

Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] I like creepy things, and I looooove these guys. I could book you a three-night stay in my nightmares! You look like one of those living paintings at Hogwart’s! Tell us a little bit about yourselves.

Taggert Romney: Well… I’m Taggert, I’m the logical one.

Tanner Romney: I’m Tanner, I’m the practical one.

Tiggett Romney: I’m Tiggett, I’m the sensible one.

Targalock Romney: I’m Targalack, I’m the reasonable one.

Tic Tac Romney: And I’m Tic Tac, I’m the rebel — [whispering ] ‘Cause I eat sugar…

Shepard Smith: I love sugar! I keep a handful of sweets in my pockets! [ he glances off-screen ] What’s that, Mother? I know it rots my teeth! That’s why I always brush before bedtime. [ he looks at the camera and winks ] Wink! So, Mitt Romney’s five adult sons: Why should people get excited — not terrified — about your presence on the campaign trail?

Taggert Romney: Well… we connect with the younger voter. Our average age is 36, while our median age is 35. And we like the same things as young people, such as sport… cinema… and doo-wop! See?

All: We’re just like YOU, America!! [ they point robotically at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Alright! My thanks to Stephen King, for creating those boys! Our next guest needs no introduction, but he does need a bath, because he’s a FILTHY little skunk! Please welcome Mitt Romney supporter… Kid Rock.

[ Kid Rock appears via remote ]

Kid Rock: Yea-ahhhh!!

Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, people think you’re a strange choice to be the voice of the Romney campaign. Why endorse Mitt Romney?

Kid Rock: Well, Mitt and I actually have a lot in common! We’re both from Detriot, we both got Hep-C, and we both got a license to rock!

Shepard Smith: Mitt, is this true?

Mitt Romney: Oh, I’m — I’m hep to the “C”, alright! I assume “C” stands for “calcium” — mmm, milk! And, uh, as for a license to rock, well, I am a dealer in rocks and precious minerals, so, in a sense — yes! Let us rock! [ he holds up a Satanic hand gesture, as Ann lowers his hand ]

Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, you’ve written a new song for Mitt’s campaign?

Kid Rock: That’s right. It’s called “Mitt Romney — Get the F Out of His Way!” HIT IT!!

[ bikini babes surround him as hard rock music plays ]

Kid Rock: [ singing ]
“He’s a white trash BITCH with a license to kill!
shut your mouth, with a thousand-dollar bill!
He’s a cocaine killer!
A gangsta, too!
So hard up your doors, ’cause he’s ready to screw!”

[ Mitt shakes his head to the beat, but his wife and sons are terrified ]

Shepard Smith: You’re okay with this song, Mitt?

Mitt Romney: Well, I just won my home state by less than 3 percentage points, Shepard. You know, I’m not turning away ANYONE! Okay? I’m good with Donald Trump, I’m good with Kid Rock. I mean, if Casey Anthony would help, I’d slap her on the ticket tomorrow!

Shepard Smith: [ shaking his head ] Like they say, “Politics makes strange bedfellows.” Speaking of bedfellows… [ he glances off-camera ] You KICKED me last night, Mother! [ Mother is silent ] Yes, you did! You kicked me with your little Jimmy Legs! [ he returns to the camera ] Let’s take a quick break. When we come back, I’ll tell you two truths, one lie, and a million secrets. I’m Shepard Smith, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts