Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

2012 Psychic Awards

Dan Fernando…..Andy Samberg
The Lovely Lucy…..Lindsay Lohan
Paolo di Avolo…..Taran Killam
Sheldrake The Inpenetrable…..Fred Armisen
Ali Baboom…..Kenan Thompson
Ayergen Ghost…..Bill Hader
Ayergen Ghost’s Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Mysterio…..Jay Pharoah
The Beautiful Angela…..Kristen Wiig
Lead Magician…..Jason Sudeikis
The Delightful Donna…..Abby Elliott
Terrific Vince…..Bobby Moynihan
The Stunning Amanda…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on stock footage of Las Vegas at night, with graphics ]

Female Announcer: We now return to the “2012 Psychic Awards”, live from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Male Announcer: Now… welcome back to the stage, your hosts for the evening — winner of 2002’s Best Psychic, Cruise Ship or Resort: Dan Fernando And… 2007’s Best Female Assistant: The Lovely Lucy!

[ the two co-hosts walk onstage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]

Dan Fernando: I hope everyone is having a great time tonight. Wait! [ he holds his finger to his head ] I KNOW everyone is having a great time tonight! [ he chuckles smugly ] THE POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]

The Lovely Lisa: And now — the award for Best Foreign Psychic.

Dan Fernando: The nominees are: Paolo di Avolo.

[ in the audience, Paolo di Avolo holds his finger to his head and shrugs frustratedly ]

The Lovely Lisa: Sheldrake The Inpenetrable.

[ in the audience, Sheldrake The Inpenetrable holds his finger to his head and shakes it dejectedly ]

Dan Fernando: Ali Baboom.

[ in the audience, Ali Baboom holds his finger to his turban and frowns ]

The Lovely Lisa: And… Ayergen Ghost.

[ in the audience, Ayergen Ghost holds his finger to his head before clenching his fist triumphantly and jumping out of his seat ]

[ cut to AS and Lisa, with the four nominees in squares surrounding them ]

Dan Fernando: And the Psychie goes to… Ayergen Ghost!

[ Ayergen Ghost appears suddenly on stage ]

Ayergen Ghost: Alright! Alright! Thank you! This comes as no surprise to me. There’s someone here very important I want to thank — [ he holds his finger to his head ] You know who you are.

[ in the audience, his wife holds her finger to her head, then smiles affectionately ]

Ayergen Ghost: Her grandmother wants to channel her spirits into my body… [ he sucks in his breath and lets the trance take over ] Walter…? Walter, is that you? [ he smiles ] I’m kidding, I’m kidding! You CAN’T do that! You can’t! Alright, thank you!

[ Ayergen Ghost takes his award and clumsily looks for a way to exit the stage ]

Dan Fernando: You’d think he’d know what way to go! [ he laughs smugly, then clears his throat ] It’s been a great year for psychics, but next year is going to be even better. I…. [ he holds his finger to his head ] KNOW it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]

The Lovely Lisa: But, while we celebrate triumph tonight, we also mourn loss. So please join us now, as we pay tribute to the psychics and magicians we’re going to lose in the coming year.

[ soft music plays, as we dissolve to stock footage: ]

[ 1. MYSTERIO holds up the Ace of Hearts, with SUPER: “Hit and Run Accident” ]

[ in the audience, Mysterio is stunned by this information ]

[ 2. THE BEAUTIFUL ANGELA with her head sticking out of box, with SUPER: “Sawed in Half” (by her lead magician) ]

[ in the audience, Angela gives her lead magician a sour look as he purses his lips innocently ]

[ 3. THE DELIGHTFUL DONNA performs trick with pigeon, with SUPER: “Bird Flu” as she kisses the pigeon on the beak ]

[ in the audience, Donna stares agape at the pigeon sitting on her shoulder ]

[ 4. TERRIFIC VINCE performs a ring trick, with SUPER: “Diabetes” ]

[ in the audience, Vince digests this information, then happily downs a box of Sno-Caps in light of the inevitable ]

[ 5. THE STUNNING AMANDA performs a straitjacket escape, with SUPER: “Hit BY Blimp” ]

[ in the audience, Amanda begins to weep ]

[ 6. RUFUS THE PSYCHIC DOG stands on hind legs, with SUPER: “Cats” ]

[ in the audience, wags his tongue and looks away ]

[ 7. 2012 PSYCHIC AWARD SHOW ATTENDEES watch the broadcast, with SUPER: “The Psychic Award Fire of 2012” ]

[ return to Dan Fernando and Lisa, as the crowd grows restless with fear and anxiety ]

Dan Fernando: Wha… remain calm! You can’t change the future, you can only PREDICT it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground, igniting the fire ] Oh, no!! I just lit the curtain on fire!! It’s happening!! By mine own hands!!

[ audience members scream, as the screen cuts to Las Vegas at night ]

Female Announcer: Stay tuned for more of the “2012 Psychic Awards”, after this short film.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Jon Hamm

Announcer Ladies and gentlemen — Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much! Thank you! I’m Lindsay Lohan, and I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I know, right? I feel lucky and grateful to be here tonight, and that’s why I really want to thank all of my friends at “SNL”, who trusted me enough to have me back. You know… this studio feels like a home to me —

[ she takes one step down from the stage, which sets off an alarm; she hops back up to the stage ]

Lindsay Lohan: Wait — so the alarm goes off if I leave the stage?! I thought it was only if I left the studio? I thought you guys trusted me!

[ Kenan Thompson enters, chuckling ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, how’s it going?

Lindsay Lohan: Hey, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! It’s so good to see you again. You know… I forgot how beautiful your eyes are.

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thanks, Kenan!

Kenan Thompson: Can I see them?

Lindsay Lohan: Uh… okay…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Can I see your eyes, please?

[ he holds a penlight to her eyes and examines her pupils ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, she’s good!

Lindsay Lohan: Kenan, I should be checking your eyes.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I’ll save you the trouble. I’ve been stoned since “Good Burger”!

[ Kenan steps away, as Kristen Wiig enters ]

Lindsay Lohan: Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Lindsay, you’re doing a GREAT job at hosting!

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thank you! You know, I do get the feeling that everybody thinks I’m gonna screw something up.

Kristen Wiig: No! No! Hey, look at me — everyone here believes in you! EVERYONE! They wouldn’t have you back, otherwise.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks, Kristen.

[ they hug, as the audience applauds wildly, and soon Kristen lowers her hands along Lohan and begins to frisk her ]

Lindsay Lohan: [ stunned ] Uh… Kristen, are you searching me?!

Kristen Wiig: No! No! I’m… I’m a lesbian now!

Lindsay Lohan: Been there, done that.

Kristen Wiig: She’s clean. She’s clean.

[ Kristen exits, as a hysterical, unbalanced woman in the audience shrieks, “WHOOO!! KRISTEN WIIG!!” ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know… maybe it was too soon to come back.

[ suddenly, Jimmy Fallon enters ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?! Wait, no, Lindsay — this is the RETURN of Lindsay Lohan! The NEW old Lindsay Lohan is BACK! [ he rouses the audience into a round of applause ]

Lindsay Lohan: Are you sure?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Listen to me — you’re the SAME little girl who stole our hearts in “The Parent Trap”! I mean, you’re the TEENAGER who dazzled us in “Mean Girls”! You’re the lady who absolutely BLEW us away in “The Help”!

Lindsay Lohan: I wasn’t… I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t in “The Help”.

Jimmy Fallon: That wasn’t you?

Lindsay Lohan: No.

Jimmy Fallon: That should have been you.

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you!

Jimmy Fallon: Anyway, the point is: Everybody makes mistakes! But that doesn’t mean you can’t shake them off. I mean, you can DO this! And, if for any reason, you can’t… Jon Hamm’s on standby as back-up host.

[ reveal Jon Hamm seated in the audience ]

Jon Hamm: No… no… Lindsay… no, I’m sure you’re gonna be great, just GREAT!

[ Hamm indicates to Jimmy that he’s ready, as Jimmy returns the signal ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ to Lohan ] I think you can do it… I think you can do it.

Lindsay Lohan: Alright. We’ve got a great show. Jack White is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks to Jack White, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Lorne Michaels, everybody — the crew at SNL! Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg… Jimmy Fallon — just everyone who’s been here, thank you so much! Thank you. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

The Real Housewives of Disney

Belle…..Abby Elliott
Snow White…..Vanessa Bayer
Jasmine…..Nasim Pedrad
Rapunzel…..Lindsay Lohan
Cinderella…..Kristen Wiig
Prince Charming…..Taran Killam

Announcer: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.

[ show Belle ]

Belle: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play!

[ show Snow White ]

Snow White: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!

[ show Jasmine ]

Jasmine: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want!

[ show Rapunzel ]

Rapunzel: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight!

[ show Cinderella ]

Cinderella: And I’m a huge fucking mess!

[ cut to title card ]

[ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]

Announcer: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!

Rapunzel: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.

[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]

Cinderella: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.

[ Snow White shakes her head ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc!

[ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ]

[ cut to dinner table sequence ]

Belle: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it!

[ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]

Rapunzel: Ugh! What is wrong with her?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ]

[ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Rapunzel: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey!

[ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]

Announcer: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA!

[ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]

Jasmine: I had sex with Iago!

Snow White: The parrot?

Jasmine: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice!

[ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]

Announcer: And not all their princes are charming.

Prince Charming: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.

[ return to the dinner table ]

Prince Charming: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]

Rapunzel: Excuse me?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ]

[ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ]

[ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]

Belle: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first!

[ zoom in on Jasmine ]

Jasmine: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.

Belle: [ singing ]
“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Cavier, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the fighting!

Belle: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?

Snow White: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!

Belle: His name is Kelsey Grammer!

[ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]

Cinderella: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!

Rapunzel: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ]

[ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “The Real Housewives of Disney”!

[ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]

Cinderella: [ laughing ] Whatever!

Announcer: Only on Bravo!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Rude Buddha!

Buddha…..Andy Samberg
Scribe…..Fred Armisen
Karen…..Nasim Pedrad
First Disciple…..Bill Hader
Second Disciple…..Vanessa Bayer
Third Disciple…..Bobby Moynihan
Fourth Disciple…..Lindsay Lohan

Annuncer: [ over SCROLL ] “Over two-thousand years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. He became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side, a side seen only by his closest disciples. These are the tales of… Rude Buddha.”

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ dissolve to Buddha sitting peacefully on a rock, with Karen and a Scribe by his side ]

Buddha: Who seeks the consel of the Buddha?

First Disciple: Great Buddha… my mind is always racing. How can I find enlightenment, if I cannot find a moment’s peace?

Buddha: “A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it.”

First Disciple: So I should accept things as they are?

Buddha: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

First Disciple: Thank you, Buddha. [ he exits ]

Buddha: Annnnnd… that guy’s single steps should be off a CLIFF! ] his Scribe laughs ] “Um, Buddha, should I accept things as they are?” [ he laughs ] “Uh, no… you should accept that you’re never getting LAID!” [ he laughs ] Oh! Here comes another one. Be cool… be cool.

[ Second Disciple comes forward ]

Second Disciple: Buddha… my husband’s mother makes me so tense. I’m unable to live in the moment.

Buddha: “There is no one path to enlightenment; a jug fills drop by drop.”

Second Disciple: Thank you, Buddha! [ she exits ]

Buddha: Uh… yeah, speaking of jugs! [ he laughs ] Did you guys see the RACK on her! [ his Scribe laughs along] I think my little Buddha just obtained FULL conciousness! Yeah! Buddha like-a the boob-a! [ his Scribe laughs ] Yeah, this guy knows what I’m talking about! Oh, here comes another guy, I’m totally gonna mess with him!

[ Third Disciple comes forward ]

Third Disciple: Buddha, my work consumes me. Even when I am with my family, I think about my crops.

Buddha: “You take the good… you take the bad… you take them both… and then you have… The Facts of Life.”

Third Disciple: [ nodding ] The facts of life. [ he exits ]

Buddha: [ he laughs] I just completely ripped that! Uh, P.S.: Did you guys get a whiff of his breath? He could use an enlighten-mint! [ he laughs ] Did you write that down?

Scribe: Yeah, I got it. [ he laughs ]

Buddha: Man! These people are MORONS! Right, Karen? [ Karen remains mute ] Oh, yeah! She is… just… totally checked out! [ he looks up ] Oh! Hottie alert! Act wise!

[ Fourth Disciple comes forward ]

Fourth Disciple: Great Buddha… I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana?

Buddha: [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Yes, my child. I can show you then Zen way. Come back tonight, say… elevenish, and we will… “meditate”.

Fourth Disciple: And we will reach enlightenment together?

Buddha: Uh — well, I’m definitely gonna get there! [ he laughs ] You might have to work a little overtime!

Fourth Disciple: Thank you, Buddha… I guess. [ she exits ]

Buddha: Oh, I’ll show her the Zen way. First, I take her home; Zen, I take her clothes off. [ he laughs ] I hope she’s not Jewish, ’cause she’s as good as PORKED! [ he laughs ] Yeah! If my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are gonna hear it! Right, Karen? [ he laughs ]

[ the last two disciples re-appear ]

Fourth Disciple: Buddha! We’ve been hearing everything you’ve been saying! How can you treat your disciples this way?!

Third Disciple: Yeah, what’s with you?!

Buddha: My apologies to both of you. Come closer. [ Third Disciple kneels before Buddha ] What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Third Disciple: I… I don’t know. What is the sound of one–?

[ Buddha bitch-slaps him across the face ]

[ cut to opening graphics ]

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album II

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Guy sitting by the fire, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

Guy: Oh, hey! I’m glad you’re back. Remember that thing I was saying about 70’s music, about putting it on a bunch of CDs? That gave me this great idea! What if you put all that music… [ suddenly, as he pokes at the fire, the flames erupt into a huge fireball ] Oooooooohhhh! [ he pulls his burnt hand back and curses ] OHHH!! GOD!! [ he sucks on his burnt hand ] I just put my hand in a freakin’ fire! [ he stands and walsk away from the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been that same guy burning his hand.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on close-up of crackling fireplace, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

[ dissolve to Guy sitting before the fire ]

Guy: Don’t you love the music from the 70’s? The kind of music with a soft, easy beat, that you could listen to over and over again? Wouldn’t it be ,i>great to get all those special songs on one amazing 8-disc set? [ he pokes at the fire with his ?? for a minute, then finally turns back around ] That’s be great, right? [ he returns his focus to the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a weird guy by a fire.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


March 4th, 2012

Lindsay Lohan

Jack White

None

Jimmy Fallon

Jon Hamm

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Jorma Taccone

Fox ReportSummary: Creepy Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) wards off “Mother” while conducting separate interviews with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) and his five sons.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Kid Rock.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Although the cast and crew purports to trust Lindsay Lohan after her recent troubles, they still double-check for possible infractions and have John Hamm on stand-by as a replacement host, just in case.

Transcript

The Real Housewives of DisneySummary: Disney princesses Rapunzel (Lindsay Lohan), Snow White (Vanessa Bayer), Belle (Abby Elliott), Jasmine (Nasim Pedrad), and Cinderella (Kristen Wiig) act like bitchy diva housewives on their new reality show.

Transcript

2012 Psychic AwardsSummary: Among the evening’s highlights: the Best Foreign Psychic nominees know the results before it’s announced, and a memorial reel of participants who will die in the coming year.

Transcript

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Lindsay Lohan try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Jack White performs “Love Interruption”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Political correspondent James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Rush Limbaugh’s most recent controversial comments, as well as other recent Republical gaffes. Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) comments on whether or not she’s pregnant, and reveals Jon Hamm as the father.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Snooki.

Deliquent Girl Teen GangSummary: After being released from jail, a group of teen girls carelessly dance around the street, except for Babette (Fred Armisen), who dances in the middle of the street and is repeatedly hit by passing cars.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Dee (Andy Samberg) and Paula (Kristen Wiig) sing about their united “Afro” in a video invitation to their upcoming wedding.

B108 FMSummary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and Illiterate Lisa (Lindsay Lohan) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

ChantixSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.

Note: Repeat from 11k.

House SittingSummary: Chevelyn (Kristen Wiig) hires Megan (Lindsay Lohan) to housesit for her while she’s on vacation, but will she ever get out the door knowing that a supposed crazy stalker won’t stop dialing her phone?

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: Repeat from 11n

Jack White performs “Sixteen Saltines”

Rude Buddha!Summary: Buddha (Andy Samberg) makes disparaging comments about his disciples behind their backs after dispensing his wisdom upon them.

Transcript

70’s AlbumSummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

70’s Album IISummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sneaking OutSummary: Teenagers (Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Bayer) keep trying to sneak out of their house without being caught by their parents (Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis).

RestaurantSummary: Diner (Lindsay Lohan) has trouble ordering fish at a restaurant.

Victoria’s SecretSummary: Sales clerk keeps trying to assist women who are shopping for lingerie.

Santorum/JFKSummary: The ghost of John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) keeps interrupting Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) as he delivers a speech.

Recurring Characters: Rick Santorum, John F. Kennedy.

Stephen HawkingSummary: Stephen Hawking (Fred Armisen) visits a nightclub.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


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11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating has risen in recent weeks, and now stands at 50%. Said the president: [ image: Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney ] “Keep talking, fellas!”

A Congressional hearing held Thursday to debate President Obama’s birth control mandate was criticized for not including any women. Though that makes sense once you learn that the hearing was held in the Congressional tree house.

CBS said, this week, they expect high profits this year, due in part to increased ad revenue from Republican presidential candidates. Because if you can find this lady believable as a cop… [ image: Emilt Procter, “CSI: Miami”] you might find this guy believable as a president. [ image: Rick Santorum ]

The commander of the International Space Station, on Wednesday, shook hands with Robonaut, which NASA officials are calling the first ever handshake between a human and a robot in space — and which robots are ominously calling “Phase 1”.

A Pekingese named Malachy was named Best in Show at this year’s Westminster Dog Show. Oh, man… that dog is gonna get so much leg! And as always at Westminster, Worst in Show went to Ralph. Why do you keep trying, Ralph?

Seth Meyers: This week, the birth control debate came to the forefront again, after Congressman Daniel Eissmann called a hearing on President Obama’s healthcare mandate, but failed to invite any women to join the panel. That brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy”.

[ Amy Poehler appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Ready to do this? [ Amy nods ] Let’s do it!

Amy Poehler: Really? Really, Congress? You held a congressional committee on reproductive rights, and you did not invite any women? Really! That would be like not inviting any men to a congressional committee debating the Maxim Top 100! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, really — men HAVE to be smarter when they talk about birth control. This week, Foster Frees, the billionaire backer of Rick Santorum, joked that when he was young, women held an aspirin between their knees for birth control. Good one! But do you really want to start a discussion of health care with “When I was young…”? when you were young, people died of polio! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Now, later in the week, Frees apologized for his comments. Well, we’d love to accept your apology, Foster, but you made a mistake… and now you’re going to have to live with that mistake for the rest of your life! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And you know why we need birth control? There are TOO MANY PEOPLE!! Do you guys remember the opening ceremony at the Chinese Olympics?! They built PYRAMIDS out of PEOPLE!! Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: Pyramids!

Amy Poehler: Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: There are PEOPLE pyramids!

Amy Poehler: PEOPLE pyramids! THAT should be an adverisement for condoms! [ she throws up her hands in disgust ]

Seth Meyers: Meanwhile, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum used the Rhythm Method, and, with five and eight kids respectively, it seems like they might have even less rhythm than we thought! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! The Virginia House of Representatives, this week, passed a bill that require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before having an abortion. Really! Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Transvaginal — it’s my favorite airline! I got so many miles on Transvaginal that I alaways get upgraded to Lady Business!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Seth Meyers: Oh! But Virginia wasn’t done. They also passed a bill saying “Life begins at conception.” What’s next, “Life begins at last call?” “Life begins when you click Send on your Match.com profile?” I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Mike Huckabee joined the fight against President Obama’s mandate, saying, “We’re ALL Catholic now!” Really? You know who is NOT All-Catholic now? All Cstholics now! 98% of Catholic women say they’ve used birth control, and the other 2% are always the ones trying to get a church to start a softball team! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Don’t tell me what to do!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy”.

[ return to news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Amy, uh… it would be my honor…

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, I’ll stick around and tell some jokes!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Amy Poehler: A new study shows that a record high 1 in 12 marriages in the U.S. are interracial. The study went on to say: “But, hey, it’s none of my business…”

It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true, because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.

Seth Meyers: Hips don’t lie. They don’t lie. Her hips don’t lie! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: That’s what I said.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I get it!

New research suggests that men who are “too nice” on Valentine’s Day and buy their women too many gifts make the women suspect that the men are cheating. So your instincts were right: You CAN’T win!

New York’s MTA, which is replacing wooden benches in the subway stations with new metal ones, will be selling the old wooden benches for $600, to… [ confused ] The Center for Disease Control? And, if you act now, they’ll even throw in an exhausted rabbi.

Amy Poehler: Police in New York broke up a drug ring that sold marijuana in Sour Patch candy wrappers. Forcing many New Yorkers to shrug and call their other guy.

Some linguistics experts have noted that the hit British series “Downton Abbey”, which is set in the 1920s, has incorrectly used phrases that would not have been popular until much later, including: “Step on it,” “Push comes to shove,” and the most glaring of all: “You should totally tweet that.”

Seth Meyers: The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue was released this week with model Kate Upton on the cover. It’s just a shame they didn’t have a swimsuit in her size.

Insiders are saying that a new cola war may break out between Coke and Pepsi, with Pepsi planning $600 million in the next year on marketing. Pepsi is even rolling out a new slogan: “We Don’t Have Coke. Is Pepsi Okay?”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

New York Sports Now

Dan Mardell…..Bill Hader
Sportscaster #1…..Kenan Thompson
Sportscaster #2…..Jay Pharoah
Joe Dickson…..Taran Killam

[ open on graphics ]

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Welcome to “New York Sports Now”. I’m Dan Mardell… with our special report on Knicks point guard — #17, Jeremy Lin, and the Lin-sanity surrounding him. Now, uh, despite the Knicks’ loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellows — do you have Lin-sanity?

Sportscaster #2: Hey — you better lock me up! I mean, I am criminally Lin-sane!

Joe Dickson: [ laughing ] Oh, yeah! My feelings are… Lin-tense!

Sportscaster #1: It’s Lin-describable! I mean, I am Lin-erally… Lin love… with this Jeremy Lin!

Dan Mardell: I think we can all agree that we’ll never get tired of Lin puns!

Sportscaster #1: Well… as Charlie Sheen would say: “Lin-ninnnnnggg!”

[ they all laugh ]

Dan Mardell: That’s another thing we never got tired of! [ he laughs ] Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. We’ve seen derogatory statements from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock and ESPN.com. The bottom line is — the kid’s a great basketball player, and race has nothing to do with it. As the New York Post said… [ he holds up front page ] “He’s Amasian!”

[ they all laugh ]

Sportscaster #1: Hilarious! Hilarious! I mean, he’s unstoppable! He’s like that sign said at Wednesday’s game: [ he holds up sign ] “Lin is the Knicks good for-tune!”

Sportscaster #2: He’s sweet not sour.

Sportscaster #1: He turned Kobe into kobe beef!

Joe Dickson: And Kobe’s like, “Hey! I ordered fried chicken!”

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #2: You said chicken! You said chicken!

Dan Mardell: Come on, Joe! Leave race out of this! Fellows, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. What were some of your favorite Lin-cidences?

Sportscaster #1: Well, I’d say it was in the Fourth Quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner and… Me love you LONG time… sends a three!

Sportscaster #2: I gotta say, Knicks wrapped up last Tuesday. Five seconds left, Lin goes to the top of the key and — Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi! — game winning shot!

Joe Dickson: Actually, I picked the Knicks kings when Lin passed it to Amare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Maury Povich just told him: “You are NOT the father!” [ he laughs ]

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #1: He was NOT dancing!

Joe Dickson: [ nervously ] I’m just finding the line…

Dan Mardell: If he was, I bet he was saying, “No more arigato, Mr. Lin-bato!”

Sportscaster #1: Ha ha! Now, THAT’S funny! That’s funny!

Dan Mardell: [ bowing gratefully ] Switching gears for a moment, it’s Black History Month. Let’s take a moment to honor a great African-American athlete.

[ cut to black-and-footage of Jackie Robinson ]

Voiceover: Jackie Robinson. An amazing who broke down barriers. Robinson endured name-calling and racial taunts, but he persevered. And that’s why, today, the sports world is… [ over SUPER ] Tolerant.

[ cut back to the sports desk, as Sportscaster #2 bangs a gong ]

Dan Mardell: The Lin Dynasty! “New York Sports Now” caught up with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to interview footage with Jeremy Lin ]

Dan Mardell V/O: “Ha ha! It was a great honor to throw the ball today! Better than throwing stones! Ha! Soon, we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique! Go!”

[ cut back to Dan Mardell laughing at the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Oops! Whoever switched the audio, that person will be reprimanded!

Sportscaster #1: You know, I think there is something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what’s gonna happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back?

Dan Mardell: I hope he likes Chinese in his MSG! See what I did there?

Sportscaster #1: [ laughing ] Yeah, I saw that! I saw that!

Sportscaster #2: Hey! Carmelo’s gonna see Lin in the locker room and be like, “Excuse me, are we playing Ping-Pong here?”

[ the guys all laugh ]

Joe Dickson: Well, they may not see him at all, because my homie Carmelo rolls in late!

Sportscaster #1: Hey! Hey! I’ll tell you one more time! One more time!

Sportscaster #2: That’s extremely offensive!

Sportscaster #1: Yeah! The notion that an African-Anerican male is late for work is an outdated and IGNORANT stereotype!

Joe Dickson: [ bewildered ] I’m sorry… I thought we were having that kind of fun! Dan back me up!

Dan Mardell: [ to the camera, serious ] We apologize to the viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. They were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. He has been fired!

[ wide shot reveals Dickson’s sudden absence from the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: When we return. we’ll talk to Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War II veteran. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts