For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 12
11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey
Goodnights
…..Daniel Radcliffe
Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very much to Lana Del Rey! And everybody who puts this show on every week, thank you so much! Good night! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 12
11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey
You Can Do Anything!
Kristina Nichols…..Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight…..Bill Hader
Liam Terry…..Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn…..Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis…..Daniel Radcliffe
Kristina Nichols: Hi, Im Kristina Nichols. Im a photo blogger.
Roger Knight: Im Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.
Kristina Nichols: And welcome to You Can Do Anything!, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.
Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesnt matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.
Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!
Roger Knight: So lets welcome our first guest: Liam Terry!
[ Liam Terry enters ]
Liam Terry: Hi everyone, Im Liam Terry from liamterry.com.
Kristina Nichols: Youre so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!
Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?
Liam Terry: Ill be juggling ten bowling pins!
Roger Knight: So youre a juggler?
Liam Terry: No.
Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?
Liam Terry: Never.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!
[ he throws the ten pins in the air, and they come crashing down on him ]
Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!
Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if youre a juggler, you can say yes!
Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.
Kristina Nichols: Okay, lets meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever youd like.
Liam Terry: Ill stay, because Im full of unearned confidence.
Roger Knight: Thats great. Lets welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.
Taylor Dawn: Well, Im what you would call Twitter famous.
Roger Knight: Meaning?
Taylor Dawn: Not famous.
Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?
Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.
Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?
Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.
Kristina Nichols: And thats accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?
Taylor Dawn: Ill be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.
Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!
Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] A blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color. Ive never been punched!
Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?
Taylor Dawn: Oh its great, theyre my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me Im great I am at everything.
Kristina Nichols: Is that why you’re so sucky and you dont realize it?
Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah…
Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… [ they laugh ] Lets welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.
[ Brad Lewis enters ]
Brad Lewis: Thanks.
Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didnt know who you were?
Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.
Kristina Nichols: Its almost as though you consider yourself a star even though youre shockingly unfamous.
Brad Lewis: And untalented.
Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you’re talented, then you are.
Brad Lewis: Well, it’s like Albert Einstein said: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!”
Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?
Brad Lewis: Ill be combining my two lifes passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.
Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?
Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400… uh, about $45,000 a year.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!
Brad Lewis: Hit it!
[ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]
Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!
Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.
Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.
Roger Knight: Lets take a break.
Kristina Nichols: When we return, Ill give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on…
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: You Can Do Anything!
Submitted by: Jacques
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 12
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 14th, 2012
Daniel Radcliffe
Lana Del Rey
None
None
None Romney: Believe in America
Summary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) brings his campaign to the people of South Carolina, and tries to relate in a normal manner to some of them while dining at Jim Bob’s Kitchen.
Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.
Transcript
Montage
Daniel Radcliffe’s Monologue
Summary: Daniel Radcliffe admits to the audience that he’d rather not do the expected “Harry Potter” sketch, considering the many parodies “SNL” has already done over the years.
Transcript
Ricky Gervais Promos
Summary: After his controversial hosting of last year’s Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis) is back to host again, and will also be pushing the envelope as host of Nick’s Kids Choice Awards, the BET Awards, and many others.
Recurring Characters: Ricky Gervais.
Target Lady
Summary: Despite being harassed by the manager (Bill Hader), stock boy (Daniel Radcliffe) tries to buff himself up so the Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) will take notice of his romantic intentions.
Recurring Characters: Target Lady.
You Can Do Anything!Summary: No-talent hacks who have posted their videos online are invited to perform their half-assed schtick on television.
Transcript
Spin The Bottle
Summary: Dave’s (Daniel Radcliffe) trepidations about playing Spin The Bottle are confirmed when his spins keep landing on a series of homeless hoboes (Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Jay Pharoah).
Delaware Fellas
Summary: The new musical may be a lame, low-cost rip-off of “Jersey Boys”, but it has the full approval of Vice-President Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.
Hogwarts Academy
Summary: Ten years after graduating, boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) remains at Hogwart’s as a hanger-on still reliving his past glories.
Recurring Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger.
Transcript
Lana Del Rey performs “Video Games”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Kim Jong Un’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) gush about him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. Casey Anthony’s newly-adopted Yorkshire Terrior (Daniel Radcliffe) comments on his misfortune to now be living with the murderous mom.
X27B Theater
Summary: In 2112, a theater group performs a play about how life was lived one hundred years earlier, aptly demonstrating how comically life has changed during that time.
Glenda Okones for Mayor
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) runs an attack ad on herself.
Transcript
Glenda Okones for Mayor II
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists further flaws in a personalized attack ad on herself.
Transcript
The Jay Pharoah Show
Summary: Jay Pharoah interviews Daniel Radcliffe, despite being ignorant about the “Harry Potter” films and only able to perform his usual celebrity impressions.
Transcript
Glenda Okones for Mayor III
Summary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists yet another character flaw during a flagrant attack ad on herself.
Transcript
Lana Del Rey performs “Blue Jeans”
Exit Polling
Summary: In New Hampshire, an overeager pollster (Kristen Wiig) propositions primary voter (Daniel Radcliffe) after he casts his ballot.
Transcript
Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
Note: This ad parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals throughout the season.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Maternity WardSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) visits the maternity ward after Beyonce gives birth to their child.
Verizon
CruiseSummary: While on their anniversary cruise, a married couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) focus only on one another, despite attempts by their kids (Danielle Radcliffe, Vanessa Bayer) to alert them about Grandma’s (Nasim Pedrad) failing health.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
White People Problems
…..Charles Barkley
Dylan…..Fred Armisen
Casey…..Vanessa Bayer
Rashad Evory…..Kenan Thompson
Ashley…..Abby Elliott
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington…..Jay Pharoah
Kayla Vandercronk…..Kristen Wiig
Trevor Vandercronk…..Taran Killam
[ open on channel logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching Investigation Discovery.
[ dissolve to Dramatic Re-enactment of couple arguing with clerk at airport counter ]
Charles Barkley V/O: Dylan and Casey were flying to a weekend getaway in Key West. When they got to the airport, they discovered their seats were not together.
[ dissolve to Charles Barkley ]
Charles Barkley: Unfortunate situations like this one happen to millions of people every day, and we’ll explore them on “White People Problems” ]
[ dissolve to opening graphics ]
[ dissolve back to Charles Barkley ]
Charles Barkley: Let’s start with Dylan and Casey. Even though they bought their tickets separately, they assumed the airline would know “they ALWAYS sit together.”
[ on the re-enactment footage, the clerk gives the couple a dirty look ]
[ return to Barkley, now standing next to clerk Rashad Evory ]
Charles Barkley: I’m joined by Rashad Evory, who is the Delta clerk on the scene. Rashad, were Dylan and Casey married, or is he just hittin’ that.
Rashad Evory: Neither, man. They was just friends!
Charles Barkley: He’s friends with a woman he’s not having sex with?
Rashad Evory: [ chuckling ] Hey… some white guys do that — I don’t know, man! So she started screaming about how she gets nervous flying, and needs him to sit next to her.
Charles Barkley: They should just DRIVE!
Rashad Evory: That’s what I said! But he was, like, [ exaggerated ] “You expect me to drive all the way to Key West?!” You know how white dudes talk! [ they both laugh ] And I’m like, “Why not?!”
Charles Barkley: You know, I had to drive to a family reunion in Puerto Rico one time.
Rashad Evory: My cousin drive to Australia in a Cadillac Fleetwood!
Charles Barkley: That’s right! Now, walk me through happened next.
Rashad Evory: Oh, I don’t know — I went on break!
Charles Barkley: There you go!
[ they smack hands, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again ]
Charles Barkley: [ catching his breath ] Next up on “White People Problems”, Ashley was just some ordinary mom taking her kids to Arby’s. But when she started to ask questions, she found herself staring down the barrel of a Caucasian crisis.
[ dissolve to re-enactment footage of Ashley at an Arby’s counter ]
Ashley: Now… does this chicken come from green organic farms?
[ the Black cashier stares at the camera ]
[ return to Barkley, now standing with the cashier ]
Charles Barkley: Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington was on the scene. Now, “Dice” — what was going on with this lady?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: [ shrugging ] She wanted to know about the chicken.
Charles Barkley: Like was it delicious?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: No. She was like, “Is the chicken free-range?” Like, “Was it cooped up with other chickens, or did it have the freedom to come and go as it pleased?”
Charles Barkley: Are you serious?! She was worrying about that?! Has this woman ever heard of slavery?!
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I don’t think so.
Charles Barkley: Well, then, what did she say?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: She said, uhhh… uhhhh…
Charles Barkley: Oh, you weren’t listening?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I wasn’t listening.
Charles Barkley: I know. Hey, that’s what they call — they call that White Noise.
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: Oh, right, right!
[ they smack hands and laugh, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again, with “BREAKING CRISIS” graphics ]
Charles Barkley: Hey — we just received word from the crisis center that there’s a white emergency in progress. Let’s talk live with Trevor and Cayla Vandercronk.
[ reveal Trevor and Cayla live via satellite ]
Cayla Vandercronk: Hello? Is someone there?
Charles Barkley: Yes! Thank you for joining us with some very important problems. What’s the situation?
Trevor Vandercronk: Well… this whole thing is a bit awkward.
Charles Barkley: For those of you at home, “awkward” is a white people word that can be applied to every situation.” Trevor, what’s happening?
Trevor Vandercronk: Well, we told our friends they could stay at our summer house this weekend, but… now our plans have changed and… we want to stay there.
Cayla Vandercronk: [ smiling ] It’s the worst!
Charles Barkley: Yes, that is the worst. Why don’t you just stay there with them — you stay in your room, and they sleep in the bath tub?
Cayla Vandercronk: Well, it’s not a problem of room — we have five spare bedrooms.
Charles Barkley: [ outraged ] Why do you have FIVE spare bedrooms?! Do you have FIVE grandmas?!
Trevor Vandercronk: No. Look — the whole thing is really delicate, because this is a couple we used to do the holidays with, and we don’t any more, and there’s hurt feelings all around… so…
Charles Barkley: Man, that problem is so WHITE it should go SNOWBOARDING!
Cayla Vandercronk: Can you help us?
Charles Barkley: No, I’m on break!
[ Barkley leaves ]
Trevor Vandercronk: [ confused ] Hello?
Cayla Vandercronk: He was just talking to us…
Trevor Vandercronk: Is it…? Did we…?
[ cut to Barkley approaching Michael and Rashad with a black girl backstage ]
Charles Barkley: What up, darling?
[ cut to title graphics ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
A Message from Rick Santorum
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: A message from Rick Santorum.
[ dissolve to Rick Santorum ]
Rick Santorum: Hello. I’m Rick Santorum, Republican candidate for President of the United States. A few nights ago, the people of Iowa sent the rest of country a message, when they came within a few votes of making me the winner of their first-in-the-nation presidential caucus. In fact, had it not been for my opponents enormous financial advantage — and the usual Mormon trickery — we would surely have won outright.
Over the last two years, as the only candidate to visit ALL of the state’s 99 counties, I’ve gotten to know the people of Iowa well. And the experiences we’ve shared have been unforgettable. In Polk County, I met with a group of fifty newly sworn-in citizens. In Cass County, I spoke at an event with only one person in the audience. In Humboldt County, I accidentally wandered into a cornfield seven feet high, became lost for more than eighteen hours, sobbing uncontrollably and crying for help. I screamed until my voice gave out, and was finally able to light a fire to signal the police helicopter search crews as they passed overhead. At the Tama County Fair, I sampled a local dessert speciality: a 3-pound stick of butter coated with Crisco, then deep-fried, dipped into a mixture of olive oil and Ranch dressing and covered with butterscotch frosting. Only later did I learn that this was not an Iowa delicacy, and that I had been the victim of a prank by a local branch of the College Democrats. Still, even as I lay on a cot in a first aid tent, vomiting convulsively, I had to say to myself: “I wouldn’t trade this for the world.”
And now the campaign moves on — New Hampshire, South Carolina, and the rest of the nation. And what is this campaign about? Two things really: 1. Making the family once again the center of our nations public policy; and 2. Starting a war with Iran… as a favor to Israel. Whether Israel asks us to or not. Of course, I don’t have my opponent’s money. But what I lack in fat-cat contributors, I’ll make up in hard work. Just as I did in Iowa, I’m going to skip the slick TV ads and take my case directly to the people. This is a big country, with 50 states and 3,141 counties. But tonight, I make this pledge: Between now and the Republican Convention in August, I intend to campaign in every one of those counties. I know this won’t be easy. Some of those counties are quite dangerous.
Alaska’s Denali County, for example, has the nations largest stock of grizzly bears, and only five year-round residents. But I’ll be there, going door-to-door.
Monroe County, Tennesee is an islated backwoods region, with a heavily-armed population and a long tradition of hostility to outsiders. It was the inspiration for the film “Deliverance”. Ill be there, too.
New Mexico’s Otero County is an active testing site for nuclear missles. Count me in.
And San Francisco County, California is home to literally THOUSANDS of angry pillow biters and donut buffers. Enough said.
Frankly, in this campaign, money is going to be tight. I will often ask voters to open their homes to me. and transportation will be by trailways, bus, borrowed car, or hitchhiking. If there is no budget for food, I may sometimes have to live off the land, shooting or trapping small game in the woods, sifting through dumpsters, and occasionally swiping a mincemeat pie that has been set to cool on some unsuspecting housewife’s kitchen windowsill. And some nights — many nights, perhaps — I may even go to bed hungry.
Will I make mistakes? Sure. I may, from time to time, run afoul of local loitering statutes. And it’s probably inevitable that, at some point, I will cross the U.S. border by mistake, spemding precious days pointlessly campaigning in southern Quebec or Mexico. In fact, it’s possible I won’t even live to see the end of this campaign. If the lesbians dont get me, the Mormon death squads probably will.
But in the end, what happens to me isnt important. This is about the country. A country that has given so much to me, and to which I want to give something in return. So that maybe one day, long after Im gone, my grandchildren can look me up on Google and find there something… you know — different from whats there now.
Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
Inside the NBA
Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Shaquille O’Neal…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Kenny Smith…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on commentators seated at broadcast desk ]
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the NBA”! I’m Ernie Johnson. With me, as always, is Kenny “The Jet” Smith…
Kenny Smith: Ha ha! Hey da!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Mr. Charles Barkley…
Charles Barkley: Hey, great to be here, E.J.!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Tonight, we welcome the newest member of the TNT family — Superman himself, Shaquille O’Neal!
Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] It’s me. Shaq. I’m here now. I’m on TV. I’m Shaq.
Charles Barkley: Man! Shaq, you gotta ENUNCIATE! You make me sound like Sidney Porti-errrr!
Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Ooh, Shaq! You got burned!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys, settle down. You promised me that this year you would cool it with the hijinks and the pranks and focus on BASKETBALL, okay? [ something whizzes past his face ] Hey, what was that?
Charles Barkley: Oh. Kenny just dared me to throw a piece of baloney at Shaq’s head.
Shaquille O’Neal: [ not seeing the baloney on his forehead ] Ha ha — too bad you missed!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ shaking his head ] We’re off to a great start. Let’s look at some scores. [ show scoreboard ] Tuesday, the Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Minnesota Timberwolves, 90 to 86 — a combined 20 points for Tony Allen. Charles, what are your thoughts on Memphis?
Charles Barkley: Oh, Memphis? I LOVE Memphis! One time I was there with Karl Malone, and we got so drunk we hijacked a riverboat and made them turn it into a casino! And then we dared Akima Hakeem Olajuwon to fight an alligator to the death, and I lost fifty grand betting on the alligator!
Shaquille O’Neal: Yeah. Memphis is a good one. One time I was there… I had ribs.
Charles Barkley: [ throws his hands in the air ] That’s it?! Shaw, that story was turr-bull! The only thing worse than that story is your neck beard! I mean, it looks like your big fat head is casting a shadow! And why is it so low?! Is it running away from the rest of your face?
Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Yeah, Shaq! You look like an Amish Mr. Clean!
[ Barkley laughs ]
Shaquille O’Neal: [ fuming ] Yeah? Well, you’re BALD!!
Charles Barkley: You bald, TOO, dummy! We’re ALL bald!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys…
Kenny Smith: Okay, I know how to solve this! Golf cart racing!
Charles Barkley: Yeah! Golf cart racing! Golf cart racing!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No! This is a professional television show, guys! [ they all boo ] Yeah, boo me! Boo me! I love it! [ continuing ] In an earlier game tonight, the Sacramento Kings beat ‘Waukee Bucks, 103 to 100, amid rumors that DeMarcus Cousins demand that his coach be fired! Interesting.
Charles Barkley: Okay, Ernie, you want some basketball analysis? Well, I think DeMarcus Cousins… [ he reaches down for a prop ]
Kenny Smith: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, here we go!
Charles Barkley: [ putting on baby bonnet ] is a little baby!
Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Baby hat! He got a baby hat! Baby hat in the house!
Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] I had to wear a baby bonnet once — when I was a baby.
[ everyone stares at him ]
Charles Barkley: Oh, my God, Shaq! What is going on with your stories? You are the most BORING person I’ve ever met — and I know ERNIE!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Heyyy! What!
Kenny Smith: Hey, well, at least Shaq got FOUR championship rings!
Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, he got four rings — and it sounds like they all stuck in his throat!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: If you’re just joining us — if you’re just tuning in — this show is about basketball. So let’s look at the week’s scoring leaders. [ Golf Cart Races graphic appears ] Wait, what’s this?
Kenny Smith: It’s the times of last night’s gold cart races! I beat Shaq by EIGHT seconds!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, why is there an asterisk next to your time, Charles?
Charles Barkley: Uh, because I got arrested. Luckily, I’m Charles Barkley… so I told a couple of stories, took a couple photos, and they let me go.
Shaquille O’Neal: That’s because people love you, Charles Barkley. [ he winks ]
Charles Barkley: That’s right. That is true.
Kenny Smith: Okay, here’s an idea: Let’s see who can stand on one foot the longest. Let’s do that.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No, no, let’s not. Come on, now why do you guys hate to talk about basketball so much?
Charles Barkley: ‘Cause we PLAY basketball! We don’t want to TALK about it! It would be like you talking about shopping for ugly ties!
Kenny Smith: Exactly!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can I at least get your predictions for the late game?
Shaquille O’Neal: [ rubbing crystal ball ] I have a prediction… [ lightining flashes ] for I am the Great Shaqradamus.
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Who’s giving him all these props?
Shaquille O’Neal: I will predict that Charles Barkley gonna be FAT again. He’ll be so fat, he’ll star in “Fat” — [ correcting himself ] “Free Willy 2”.
Charles Barkley: First of all, Dummy — there was already a “Free Willy 2”! But I’d rather be in “Free Willy 2” than “Kazaam 1”! Shaq, I wouldn’t see your movies if they were playing in my eyelids!
Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Your movies! On his eyelids! Plus a baby hat! Oh, no!
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ chuckling ] We’re all black friends! [ silence ] Alright, let’s take a break. When we return, I’ll try to show some highlights, while Charles tries to eat a hundred Saltines in one minute.
Charles Barkley: Oh, Ernie, Ernie! Shaq is asleep.
[ Shaq is snoring ]
Kenny Smith: Oh, man — quick! We need a glass of warm water, whipped cream…
Charles Barkley: A ping-pong ball…
Kenny Smith: Some lipstick…
Charles Barkley: A tennis racquet…
Kenny Smith: A string…
Charles Barkley: Syrup…
Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Okay, guys, guys…
Kenny Smith: Three eggs…
Charles Barkley: Some sawdust…
Kenny Smith: A live monkey…
Charles Barkley: Let’s get some eggs…
[ cut to program graphics ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
Charles Barkley’s Monologue
…..Charles Barkley
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!
Charles Barkley: Thank you! Thank you! THank you very much! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. This is my third trip hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I bet none of you thought I’d do it three times. But that’s okay — I did. I bet Scottie Pippen, and now he owes me $75,000! I’m so happy the NBA strike is over. The strike was a comp — it was complicated. It had so many sides to it. But, in a nutshell, the problem is: Ever since I left, the NBA’s been crap, and everybody’s broke. The end!
[ the audience cheers ]
Thank you. Some of you mgiht be looking up and saying, “Sir Charles looks less… less gigantic.” Thank you very much! As you might have heard, I teamed up with Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 38 pounds. [ the audience cheers ] Yep! 38 pounds! Or, as I like to think of it — one Muggsy Bogues. Now, why did I lose the weight? Well, when I was playing for the Sixers in the 80’s, reporters called me the Round Mound of Rebound. It made me think. And 25 years later, I decided to do something about it. Some of you might be saying, “Charles, isn’t Weight Watchers for ladies?” But I tell them, “Shut up, Michael Jordan!” Oh, and congrats on your engagement — that’s gonna go great, Mike! [ he laughs ] Seriously, though — I have no problem endorsing a feminine product. That reminds me: I have a new line of clothes at Ann Taylor.
[ reveal ad slide: “Ann Taylor, Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights” ]
Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights, a line of casual, contempo pantsuits for the working woman. The point is: Weight Watchers worked for me. I feel great, except for one thing: I am so hungry! I am starving! So please forgive me if I might eat one of you tonight. Y’all all look like turkey legs to me. [ he points into the audience ] Especially you.
But we have a great show for you tonight. A turkey leg named Kelly Clarkson is here. I’m gonna cover her in butter and gobble her up. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
Mayan Calendar
Chief #1…..Fred Armisen
Chief #2…..Bll Hader
Teklameck…..Charles Barkley
Chief #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Chief #4…..Andy Samberg
Kukuya…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Mayan Calendar…..Paul Brittain
[ open on stock photo of Mayan temples ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the fifth century BC, the ancient people of Mesoamerica created the most accurate and sophisticated system for measuring time that the world had ever seen.”
“This is the story of the Mayan calendar.”
[ dissolve to ancient Mayans at the Council of the Chiefs ]
Chief #1: Thank you, everyone, for having us at the Council of the Chiefs.
Chief #2: We believe our new invention will change lives for ALL Mayans.
Chief #1: We call it… the Mayan Calendar. [ he unveils the round chiseled rock ]
Teklameck: What the hell is a “calendar”?!
Chief #1: Good question. A calendar is a way to measure time. It marks years… it marks months… it marks days.
Teklameck: When’s my birthday?!
Chief #1: Your birthday? I don’t know, uh… what time of year were you born?
Teklameck: At the end of the rainy season!
Chief #1: Okay, then… it’s somewhere… [ he moves his hand around the rock and stops ] here.
Teklameck: Where’s today?
Chief #1: [ pointing toward the bottom of the rock ] We’re right here.
Teklameck: Well… y’all missed my birthday. Y’all owe me a bunch of presents.
Chief #3: [ laughing ] Yeah! We do owe you some presents!
Teklameck: You know what I want?
Chief #1: What?
Teklameck: A little loincloth. [ BOM laughs ] This one rises up in the front.
Chief #4: [ laughing ] Yeah! We noticed!
Chief #1: Hey, come on, guys! Can we get back to the calendar? I want to describe it.
Chief #3: Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I have a question, too.
Chief #4: Yeah, me, too! Me, too!
Chief #1: Guys, we can’t do everybody’s birthdays! We HAVE to move on! [ BOM and ANS lower their hands ] Okay, thank you. Now, uh, with this system, uh, we can assure that people will NEVER be late anywhere. They will always be on time.
Chief #3: [ pointing to CB ] I got a feeling some people still might be late! [ he laughs ]
Teklameck: Hey, watch it! Actually… he’s right. I’ll still be late!
Chief #3: Yeah!
[ they all laugh ]
Chief #1: Come on! Guys! Please! Focus, okay? Let me show you how it works. It’s very simple. [ he puts on reading glasses ] There are, uh, 20-day weeks rotating through 8 solar sequences, with very easy-to-remember names like Muluk… Ajaw… Chuwen!
Teklameck: No offense — this is confusing.
Chief #1: I’m sorry. Do you think you could do better?
Teklameck: How about this? What if we just did it like this: 12 months in a year… 7 days in a week, that we call things like “Monday”, “Tuesday”, “Wednesday”. Mayve slap a couple of rest days at the week’s end.
Chief #1: Okay, rest days at the week’s end — what would we even call that?
Teklameck: Man, I don’t know! How about… “The weekend”?! This is YOUR job!
[ Chief #3 and Chief #4 express their satisfaction with the weekend concept ]
Chief #2: That’s a lot of changes…
Chief #1: Yeah, we put a lot of work into this, Teklameck!
Teklameck: Yeah, but we can still improve it. It’s not like it’s set in STONE!
Chief #1: Nooo… it is. It is set in stone. We carved it in!
Kukuya: [ enters, clearing his throat and holding up carving tools ] Uh — we?
Chief #1: I’m sorry! Kukuya carved it! You get what I meant!
Kukuya: Oh, I get it alright! [ he steps away ]
Chief #1: He’s mad.
Chief #2: He is mad.
Teklameck: [ sighs ] Alright, how about this: We need a calendar that teaches you a new word for every day. It would be educational, and it would be FUN!
Chief #2: We’re not changing it.
Chief #3: Yeah! I-I-I certainly wouldn’t say no to seeing a different little cat every day.
Chief #4: Oh! You know what calendar is really cool? The Aztec calendar!
Chief #1: Oh, come on, man! We’re right here!
Chief #2: Not cool!
Teklameck: Let me ask you a question: Does this thing go on forever?
Chief #1: No, no. The, uh, Maya calendar ends in 2012.
Chief #3: [ confused ] But… then you make a new one?
Chief #1: No. Because the… world will end in 2012.
Chief #2: Streets will run with BLOOD. Land will be swallowed by the SEA!
Teklameck: Man, you just ran out of space and STOPPED, didn’t you?!
Chief #1: NO! That is NOT the case!
Teklameck: That’s a LIE!!
Chief #1: Okay, yes… you got us. We ran out of space…
Chief #2: It’s not our fault. This guy didn’t carve a big enough circle…
Kukuya: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! I went off of YOUR drawing! Y-y-you know what?! [ he throws his tools down ] I’M OUT!! CARVE YOUR OWN ROCKS!!
Chief #2: He’s mad… he’s really mad…
Chief #3: Wait! Aren’t you worried that people in the future are actually gonna be afraid that the world will end?
Chief #1: I can’t worry about people in the future! Okay? I have my girlfriend, I have my job…
Chief #4: Oh, look — the sun’s going down.
Chief #3: Oh! We gotta go sacrifice a virgin!
Teklameck: Who’s up today?
Chief #4: Metzel.
Teklameck: Metzel? Well, they can go and sacrifice Metzel… but Metzel ain’t no virgin!
[ they all high-five one another and laugh ]
Chief #1: Alright, we gotta see that. Meeting’s over, let’s get out there!
[ they all run off, as the camera zooms in on the face at the center of the Mayan calendar ]
Mayan Calendar: [ sighs ] Oh, well… there they go. I get that I’m a complicated calendar, but you know what? We all are. I mean, think about it, right? Anyway… Happy Birthday, everybody. Now get out of here!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
Goodnights
…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley: Hey, I want to thank Kelly clarkson — she was fantastic. Hey, it’s been my honor and pleasure. I want to thank everybody here at “Saturday Night Live” for working their butt off. But I want to give a shout-out to these guys, ’cause you guys have no idea how hard they work. And to do this every week, they must be crazy! Thank God — [ Clarkson laughs ] Hey — give them a shout-out, please! Happy New Year!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson
Chantix
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Bill Hader
[ open on couple sitting together on a couch ]
Announcer: Chantix. Real People. Real Stories.
Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]
Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.
Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.
Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.
[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]
Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.
[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]
Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.
[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]
Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.
[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]
Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning!
[ Husband cowers back ]
Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”
[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ]
[ cut to Wife smoking a cigarette ]
Announcer: Chantix. Just keep smoking.
[ fade ]