Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Boston Teens

Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Teacher…..Bboby Moynihan
Patrice Donovan…..Amy Poehler
Male Student…..Taran Killam
Female Student…..Abby Elliott

[ open on VHS static that clears to reveal girls’ legs standing in line ]

Sully V/O: Hey, Tommy! Tommy! you’re on? Over here! Over here, you creep-ah!

[ camera pans up to reveal Pat “Sully” Sullivan standing in front of a line of students ]

Sully: Hey! How ya’ doin’? This is Pat Sullivan, coming at you on VHS from the Shawshene Vo-Tech Winter Formal. As always, I am joined by my life partner — Denise.

Denise: [ poking in ] Call me Za-zoo! Wicked psyched for holiday cheer! And, for me, NOTHING says CHristmas like two fake school IDs and a Franzia bladder — sans box! [ she holds up these objects ]

Sully: Although we are no longer enrolled, we are hoping to talk our way into the festivities to recapture the magic of our second date.

Denise: Yeah! We woulda recreated our first date, but that patch of woods is now a PetSmart! And if I wanted a bunch of ferrets to watch us do it, I woulda stayed home. Oh, God, Sully… it feels wee-id being back at our old stomping grounds! Do you seriously think we could still pass as high school students?

Sully: Denise, you are forever 14 to me!

Denise: [ touched ] Awww…

Sully: I am, of course, referring to your jean size!

Denise: Ugh! You’re a moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Next! Next! [ Sully and Denise run forward ] Hey! Hey, let me see your school IDs!

Sully: Sure. [ he tosses the IDs down ]

Teacher: So… you are ninth-grader Avi Punjabi?

Sully: We grow big in… Bangalore.

Teacher: [ to Denise ] And you are supposed to be Assistant Principal Evelyn Chang?

Denise: Yeah! Ours is a forbidden love, in the style of Mary Kay LeTourneau and that little Samoan boy they named the Girl Scout cookies after.

Sully: Billy ??, you are my hero!

Denise: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Wait a minute, waut a minute… I remember you two dopes! Weren’t you in my home Economics class in 2004?

Denise: Busted! That hamburger pillow now graces our marital bed!

Teacher: [ he chuckles condescendingly ] Alright — now GET OUT OF HERE, before I unbuckle my peppah spray!

Denise: [ eyeballing his pepper spray canister ] Whoa! Whoa! No conflict! No conflict!

[ they back away form the line ]

Sully: My girl’s already been pepper-sprayed TWICE this holiday season! Once, at K-Mart on Black Friday… and once, when she flashed her boobs at Occupy Boston!

Denise: We ahh the 99 per cent! [ she flashes her jacket ] WHOO!!

Sully: Alright, alright, alright! [ he approaches some students ] Hey there, pallies! Who here wants to be a hero and open the side door for soem alumni?

Female Student: Oh, my God… how old ahh you two?

Sully: We may never know for sure. My mother lost my birth certificate in a sex-fire.

Denise: Word to the wise: Do NOT make love next to a space heater if your lingerie is mostly rayon.

Sully: Rayon! Nawt flame-re-tawd-ent!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously again ]

[ Patrice Donovan enters ]

Patrice Donovan: Oh, my God! Sully! Denise! My God, it’s you!

Sully: Patrice Donovan!

Denise: Oh, my God…

Sully: I haven’t seen you since you left 8th Grade with mononucleosis.

Patrice Donovan: Yeah, well… that “mononucleosis” just turned fifteen, and her name’s Linda.

Denise: Linda! Gaw-geous name! Gaw-geous. Hat’s off to ya’. Linda.

Sully: You here to party?

Denise: Oh, God, I wish. I gotta pick up Linda, ’cause apparently she just bawffed> all over the dance floor.

Denise: Hmm… alcohol poisoning, pregnancy, or bulimia?

Patrice Donovan: [ thinking ] I’m guessing two out of the three. What have you two been up to for the last fourteen years?

Sully: Just building a paradise, brick by brick. [ he wraps his arm around Denise ] Five beautiful children: Weezer, Chubbsie, Squeezebox, Hags, and Baby Richard.

Denise: I wouldn’t quit until I got a boy.

Sully: She’s the Mom of the Year, this one! She never loses her temper, really maintained her looks, works tirelessly to keep the babies in fully-licensed… [ he reveal his jersey ] Nomar jerseys! NOMARR!!

Denise & Patrice: NOMARR!!!

Sully: Don’t forget!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!!

[ they begin to make out ferociously once more, Sully even stealing a squeeze of ??’s breast ]

Patrice Donovan: Alright! Alright! [ she removes Sully’s hand from her breast ] Okay, good for you, both of you! Take care, God bless. Alright.

[ she walks away ]

Male Student: Hey! You gonna stand out here all night, Gramps? Be careful you don’t catch hypothermia!

Sully: You wanna go, Pee Wee? I fight Southsie style — that means no black guys and weiner pulling’s fair game!

Denise: Sully! Sully, calm down! Calm down! Look into these crystal blue persuadahs! [ she points to her eyes ] Calm down.

Sully: You’re right. We didn’t coem here to be treated like a couple of lowlifes! We can do that ANYWHERE! Merry Christmas, suckers! You don’t have Pat Sullivan to kick around any more!

Male Student: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! You’re the great Pat Sullivan? [ suddenly impressed ] I heard you once set fire to Mr. Church’s hair with a Bunson burner!

Sully: [ he shrugs ] Hearsay.

Female Student: I heard you hocked a loogie on Mr. Banes from the fourth floor window!

Sully: Pure conjuncture.

Male Student: I heard you got kicked off the class ski trip for flashing the chaperone!

Sully: Not entirely true. Mrs. Gillepsie just happened to enter the room at the exact moment I was hanging brain.

Male Student: Man! You’re a legend!

Denise: You ahhh!

Male Student: Oh, my gosh, Mr. Sullivan… will you pahty with us? It would be honor to let you in the back door!

Sully: Tommy! PLEASE tell me you got that on tape! ‘Cause “LIVE from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Ode to Joy

Ludwig van Beethoven…..Jimmy Fallon
Gregor Lindt…..Taran Killam
Herman Frump…..Jason Sudeikis
Gayhard Munch…..Bill Hader
Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler…..Paul Brittain
Franz Liebsch…..Andy Samberg
Casper Niles…..Fred Armisen
Voldemort Robin…..Bobby Moynihan
Victor Heinz…..Horatio Sanz
Octo Olrich…..Chris Kattan
Triangle Sally…..Kristen Wiig
Choirboys…..Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
B.B. King…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on postcard photo, SUPER: “Vienna, May 7th 1824” ]

[ dissolve to stage interior, Ludwig van Beetoven finishing a piece with a full orchestra ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: [ turning to face his applauding audience ] Danke! Danke! On behalf of myself — Ludwig van Beethoven — I thank you for attending the premiere of my Night’s Symphony. This momentous piece of music would not be possible without the exceptional musicians behind me, and so I’d like to introduce the band. Let’s do this!

[ the orchestra breaks into a jazzy version of “Tighten Up”, as Beetoven grabs a microphone ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Let’s meet the fellows! Let’s start over here! He’s first on the bassoon, and last to pick up the check! Let’s hear it for my friend Gregor Lindt!

[ Gregor Lindt stands and plays a medley on his bassoon ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Movin’ on, an INCH to the left! Right under the candles! Oh vo, he didn’t — oh vo, he did! First on oboe — a whirlwind of woodwind! This guy blows — in a good way! Herman Frump, everybody!

[ Herman Frump stands and plays a medley on his oboe, then smiles ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: God, I am GOOD at classical music! Let’s keep moving! We got a lot of guys to get through! This next guy plays flute — both regular and skin — Who said that? — Not me! [ he laughs ] He’s our principle flautist — and yes, he “flauts” it! Give it up for — and this is his REAL name — Gayhard Munch! What?!

[ Gayhard Munch stands and plays a medley on his flute ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: On first clarinet — Hitler’s his name… and music’s his game. He was born in Austria, but dreams of moving to Germany. He’s alays angry about something. Let’s hope he never has kids! Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler right there!

[ Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler stands and plays a medley on his clarinet and waves at the crowd ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to strings, where it PAYS to be high-strung! On first viola, the unvi-o-lent — this guy showed up today with a slight fever, which means… he’s probably gonna die! Let’s all say goodbye to Franz Liebsch!

[ Franz Liebsch remains to play a strained medley on his viola ]

Franz Liebsch: I’m so cold…

Ludwig van Beethoven: Get well soon, buddy. [ he puts his hand over his microphone ] He won’t! Hey! “Ode to Joy”. Next up — either this guy’s playing the cello, or a dwarf got a hold of a violin! Funny story — his mother was killed by an ox. He’s from Gras… and he loves to smoke it! [ he mimes puffing a joint ] Say hello to my little friend — Casper Niles, everybody!

[ Casper Niles struggles to play a medley on his oversized violin ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: You alright, buddy? Alright, there’s fifteen more string players to get through. Luckily, they’re all named “Olaf”. Give it up for OLAF right there, everybody!

[ the Olafs play a medley on their string instruments ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Sounds beautiful! Hey, on a side note — for those of you who like the quieter stuff — my “Moonlight Sonata” is dropping next week. I wanted to call it “Panty Raid”, but the suits said “Nein!” Which is a shame, because I think that title is a “ten”! [ a rim shot is heard ] I signed that joke up for Kindergarten, because it’s five years old. Moving on over to the brass section! I call these guys “The Brass Holes”! First up, on the French horn — this guy went to Berlin on our off-day, and he was nice enough to bring back syphillis! His key is B-flat, and his wife be ugly! Wearing the CHEAPEST wig I’ve ever seen — Voldemort Robin!

[ Voldemort Robin plays a medley on his French horn, with his lips barely touching the stem, then shrugs playfully ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: One of my favorite jokes is that a French horn is like a woman — it’s beautiful, it’s curvaceous, and it’s filled with tubes I don’t understand! [ he laughs ] Let’s move over to the tuba — music’s answer to the fart. This guy and I do not get along. He put the “dick” in “tuba”. [ Victor Heinz frowns ] I’d like to hit this guy on the head… with a tuba-four! Tuba-four! [ he laughs ] I’m gonna assume you’re all laughing. I don’t need to tell you folks I can’t hear a gosh-darn thing — I’m deaf! Famously! Famously deaf! Give it up for Victor Heinz, everybody!

[ Victor Heinz plays a medley on his tuba ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: That’s Mozart, you son of a bitch!

[ Victor Heinz points a finger and laughs at Beetoven ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: What a dick! Just behind him — he used to be a harpist, then he got kicked in the head by a horse, and now he plays the jug. Make some noise for Octo Olrich!

[ bandaged Octo Olrich blows into a jug and looks up in great confusion ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Sad. I still don’t know what he was doing behind that horse. Moving on. We’re sorry she doesn’t get to do her thing tonight, but it’s a man’s world. So give it up for Triangle Sally!

[ dressed in a jumpsuit, Triangle Sally shimmies then raises her leg and hits her triangle one time ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to the choir — let’s meet the fellows behind those angelic voices. [ reveal three choirboys ] These guys have a thousand harmonies and zero testicles among them. Give it up for Castrataaaa!!

[ the choirboys harmonize a medley ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: And, finally — last but not least — his axe could cut down every tree in the Black Forest! He’s icing on my streudal! The power of my wing! He’s the Master of Disaster! The Minister of Blues! You’ll WISH you could be like him, but you CAN’T! On lead guitar — Bertram Bertram King! But you know him as B.B. King!

B.B. King: [ he plucks out a blues tune on his guitar ] “The thrill is gone!”

Ludwig van Beethoven: We are Beetoven’s Orchestra, and this has been our “Ode to Joy”! Good night, Vienna!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 17th, 2011

Jimmy Fallon

Michael Bublé

None

Rachel Dratch

Amy Poehler

Horatio Sanz

Lorne Michaels

Tracy Morgan

Chris Kattan

Jude Law

Tina Fey

None

Tina Fey

Boston TeensSummary: Now married adults, Pat Sullivan (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise McDenna (Rachel Dratch) try to sneak into their high school’s Winter Formal so they can recreate their second date.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sullivan, Denise McDenna.

Transcript

Montage

Jimmy Fallon’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon dances through the halls of Studio 8H singing “Christmastime (Coming Home Again)”.

Transcript

TodaySummary: Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) mocks the idea that co-host Hoda Kotb (Nasim Pedrad) has a new boyfriend. Regis Philbin (Jimmy Fallon) makes a surprise visit and announces that he’d like to get back on the air now that his retirement plans have fallen through.

Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Regis Philbin.

Michael Bublé Christmas DuetsSummary: Michael Bublé performs Christmas duets with Justin Bieber (Jimmy Fallon) and other unlikely performers.

Recurring Characters: Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Kanye West.

Transcript

Dressing RoomSummary: Jimmy Fallon ponders his hosting performance with his reflection (Andy Samberg) in his dressing room mirror.

Transcript

Holiday PartySummary: In 1928 New York City, Lilia (Kristen Wiig) and Fredgie (Jimmy Fallon) try to hold themselves back from respectively singing and dancing at a Christmas party.

Recurring Characters: Lilia.

Half Jewish Half Italian Completely NeuroticSummary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”Summary: Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan bring out their silly Christmas ditty once more.

Transcript

Michael Bublé performs “Holly Jolly Christmas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: While “In The Cage” with Jude Law, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks why he isn’t in “Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows”. After performing a joke about a strip club accepting toy donations for Christmas, Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler are pitted in a “Weekend Update Joke-Off” against Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage.

Transcript

Ode To JoySummary: Following a performance orchestra, Ludwig van Beethoven (Jimmy Fallon) introduces the members of his back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Ludwig van Beethoven, Triangle Sally.

Transcript

War HorseSummary: Audience members (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) react to a cheap stage production of “War Horse”.

Transcript

Michael Bublé performs “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

Locker RoomSummary: Jesus (Jason Sudeikis) explains to Tim Tebow (Taran Killam) and the Denver Broncos that he can’t be there to help them win every game every week.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Price is RightSummary: Drew Carey (Jimmy Fallon) oversees pricing game with an overenthusiastic female contestant (Jay Pharoah).

Kindle AdSummary: A couple (Jason Sudeikis, Abby Elliott) can’t stop gushing about how wonderful their new Kindle is.

Christmas with The KingsSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) hosts a Christmas party for his family and friends Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) and Kathy Griffin (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Piers Morgan, Kathy Griffin.

Merryville Trolley RideSummary: When the trolley ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Andy Samberg) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Jimmy Fallon, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer).

Recurring Characters: Robot.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


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11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Rebecca Larue…..Kristen Wiig
Captain Steve Rogers…..Alec Baldwin
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Rick Perry, on Thursday, announced that he would not be taking part in the Donald Trump-moderated GOP debate later this month. I don’t blame Perry — He’ll get all the Trump he can handle when he’s on next season’s “The Apprentice”. He’ll fit right in.

The Obama administration, on Wednesday, surprised women’s health advocates by rejecting a request to make the Plan B morning after pill available over the counter. Which means that a lot of people will just go with Plan C. [ image: “16 and Pregnant” card ]

People in Rhode Island, on Tuesday, protested the Governor’s decision to refer to the statehouse Christmas tree as a “holiday tree”. And they really don’t like his decision to refer to Jesus as “December Man”.

According to a new report, because of austerity measures, England’s Queen Elizabeth will face a pay freeze until 2015. And, sadly, the effects of the pay freeze are already showing. [ image: The Queen wearing a Burger King crown ]

Seth Meyers: The holidays are upon us, but they can be less than festive for single people. Here to tell us how you can meet a siginificant other by New Year’s — flirting expert Rebecca Larue.

[ Rebecca Larue slides in, tossing her hair back and forth playfully ]

Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] Hi, Seth! Thank for having me!

Seth Meyers: Well, hi, Rebecca. Um, I bet a lot of people are — [ she shakes her hair back and forth ] uh — excited to hear what you have to say. [ she tosses her hair back and holds her mouth in an open gape ] I mean, I think everyone’s intimdated by — [ she touches his hand ] Wow! It looks like you’ve strted flirting already!

Rebecca Larue: [ teasing ] No, I’m not! I’m just listening to you. [ she giggles ] I’m just really hearing you. [ she cups her hand to her chin and leans closer to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, uh — [ she inches even closer ] Alright. I see what you’re doing — uh, flattering me by listening, to show that you’re interested. [ she holds her arms up high and bounces her head back and forth ] That is, uh — that’s a great tip.

Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] I don’t know — maybe! [ she blows him a kiss ]

Seth Meyers: So, Rebecca — being single during the holidays… [ she blows another kiss ] must be especially difficult… [ she stretches her arms out and bounces her head back and forth ] especially when – okay! Rebecca, do you want to explain what you’re doing right now?

Rebecca Larue: Just like… body language stuff, you know, that people can do! [ she laughs, turns her head and covers her hair over her eyes shyly ] Like… flirt!

Seth Meyers: Okay, so — oh! Oh! You’re using, like, verbal cues to entice me?

Rebecca Larue: Seeeeth! Entice? I’m sure! [ she turns her head away, shakes it, then holds her arms up ]

Seth Meyers: Why — why do you keep putting your arms in the air? Is that, like, a flirting technique?

Rebecca Larue: [ she covers her eyes and giggles ] What are you looking at? [ she lays her head on the desk, the crawls under and sticks her butt in the air ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca… Rebecca. I’m sure that everything you’re doing —

Rebecca Larue: [ she lifts her head ] I’m shy…

Seth Meyers: Works for you… but, like, what if someone’s more shy than you are? You know?

Rebecca Larue: [ she returns to her seat ] Well, if you’re too shy, you just do whatever you’re comfortable with. Just, like, little small things like: [ she throws her arms in the air again and bounces her head and pulls her hair, then extends her arms to touch Seth’s face ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca! Rebecca… you are making me very uncomfortable.

Rebecca Larue: [ she slinks back ] No, I’m not!

Seth Meyers: You kinda are.

[ suddenly, without warning, she lifts her legs in the air and spreads them ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca…

[ she clutches her legs with her hands and tries to spread them further apart ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca, what are you doing?! What are you doing? Rebecca!

[ she scootches her chair forward until she has her legs wrapped around Seth ]

Rebecca Larue: [ innocently ] What?

Seth Meyers: What are you doing?

Rebecca Larue: [ sobbing ] I’m a slut!

Seth Meyers: Alright! Oh, good, I thought so! But, you know, Rebecca — I think deep down you’re still a good person.

Rebecca Larue: [ seductively ] Seth! Take your shirt off for one second…

Seth Meyers: NO!! Flirting expert Rebecca Larue, everybody!

[ she backs her chair away and waves her fingers at Seth as she disappears ]

A new fat-rich diet that has become extremely popular in Norway is being blamed for depleting the country’s stocks of butter. Thanks in no small part to Norway’s celebrity chef — Paula Deenflurgen.

An experiment for the Discovery show “MythBusters” went awry, Tuesday, when a cannonball missed its target and caused damage in a nearby neighborhood. Still, they did bust that old myth about the suburbs being safe from cannon fire.

Because of a new cost-cutting measure, schoolchildren in a town in Spain have been told to limit their use of toilet paper to 82 feet a month. That is outrageous! Or totally acceptable. I have no idea how much toilet paper that is.

A new website has launched called “Toygaroo”, which is a Netflix-style system that allows parents to rent toys for their children and send them back for new ones. It’s all part of an effort to make the movie “Contagion” come true.

Seth Meyers: On Wednesday of this week, actor Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight after he refused to turn off his phone and stop playing “Words with Friends.” Now here to comment, the pilot of that flight — Captain Steve Rogers. [ the Captain, obviously Alec Baldwin in disguise, rolls in ] Thanks so much for coming, Captain.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, thanks for having me, Seth.

Seth Meyers: So… Captain Rogers, uh — what’s your take on the events of last Wednesday?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, it was awful, Seth, which is why it was very important for me to come here tonight, and on behalf of everyone at American Airlines, issue an apology to Mr. Alec Baldwin.

Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Alec, are you sure this is the right way to handle this?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ whispering ] Yeah, yeah — keep going, keep going.

Seth Meyers: So, let me get this straight: You, Captain Rogers, want to apologize to Alec Baldwin?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Yes. Mr. Baldwin is an American treasure, and I am ashamed at the way he was treated. I mean, what harm would it do to let him keep playing his game — not any game, mind you — but a word game for smart people?

Seth Meyers: But, Captain Rogers, don’t phones interfere with the plane’s communication system?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Oh, you don’t believe that, do you, Seth? Would you really get on an airplane that flew 30,000 feet in the air if you thought one Kindle switch could take it down? COME ON!! It’s just a cruel joke perpetrated by the airline industry. And we would have gotten away with it, but Alec Baldwin was just too smart for us. He really is something, Seth.

Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Seriously, Alec, I just don’t think…

“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ sternly ] Keep going, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Okay. But didn’t Alec Baldwin getting kicked off the plane delay takeoff?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: It did. And it was the first time in the history of American Airlines that one of our flights was delayed. COME ON, SETH!! We’re bankrupt! How DARE we speak ill of the great Alec Baldwin, and we can’t even take off on time!

Seth Meyers: It was also reported that Alec Baldwin slammed the bathroom door so loudly that you could hear it in the cockpit.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Now, Seth, “Words with Friends” can be frustrating in a game. I just started playing the game myself. But when you think you’re about to play “JAILERS” off of someone’s “QUICHE”, and then you realize you don’t have the “I”, let me tell you — that’ll make you slam the bathroom door, too. Besides, when I go to the bathroom on a plane, I always want that door slammed nice and tight! Doesn’t everyone? Gee willikers!

Seth Meyers: Okay, Alec, this is too much. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Seth, I’m not Alec! Do you hear me? But I wish I was! That man’s a hero! A SMART hero!

Seth Meyers: Captain Steve Rogers!

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Y’all drive safe now!

Seth Meyers: We’ll drive safe!New research suggests that humans have reached the limit of their mental evolution, and are not likely to ever develop a “supermind”. “Yayyy!” said everyone who works at the E! network.

According to a new list, the least happy city in America is St. Petersburg, Florida. But that’s only because Reno, Nevada finally killed itself.

A man in Alaska, whose truck became stranded in a snowdrift for three days, survived by eating frozen beer in his truck. The man said it worked so well he never even had to unwrap his sandwich.

Seth Meyers: It’s Christmastime in New York, which means millions of tourists will be coming to see what holiday magic the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on where you and your children should go, is our city correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hi.

Seth Meyers: Hi. Hi, Stefon. Uh — it’s an exciting time, isn’t it?

Stefon: I know, right? So many Republican candidates… who to pick?

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon, a lot of families are making their way to Manhattan to have some holiday fun. Are there any places you can recommend?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re looking to get festive with your family, I’ve got the perfect place for you to take them. New York’s hottest club is Heyyyyyy! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place gas EVERYTHING: Tweekers, Skivvies, Spud Webb, a child… and a Russian guy who runs on a treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend. The bouncer’s a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley, and the password is: [ in a Brimley voice ] “Die-uh-beat-us!” [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon, that sounds like a very cool place, and I’m sure that —

Stefon: Right!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I’m sure people exist who would enjoy hanging out at a place like that —

Stefon: I knowwww!

Seth Meyers: But, since New York has no many holiday —

Stefon: Holiday.

Seth Meyers: Holiday sights to see. Maybe you can think of something more traditional for ordinary salt-of-the-earth people to check out.

Stefon: Yes! Loud and clear. If you’re ordinary and love salt… I’ve got just the spot for you: New York’s hottest holiday club is: [ he baas like a sheep and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Could you, uh — could you use that in a sentence for me?

Stefon: Um — in a sentence?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Stefon: Um — “Let’s go to [ he baas ] because the line is too long at Spicy!” [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: That was a sentence. Thank you.

Stefon: Opening condemned in 1904,this seasoned psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer. [ he grins and covers his face ] And this place has everything: Kiwis… Spud Webb… [ he cracks up and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Spud Webb’s doing double duty?

Stefon: Yeah! [ continuing ] The Cleo Awards… someone’s mom… plus a special showing of the African holiday classic: “A Fish Called Kwaanza”. [ he covers his face ] Look who just walked in — it’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her becaus she is on break. [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this place captures the holiday spirit.

Stefon: And all the proceeds go to charity.

Seth Meyers: Oh? Which charity?

Stefon: Flaccid outreach group — Doctors Without Boners! [ he laughs and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I would never disparage a charity, and I’m sure Doctors Without Boners does amazing work —

Stefon: Not really! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Okay! But this is not what I was looking for.

Stefon: I’m trying my best.

Seth Meyers: You’re right. I shouldn’t get mad at you. [ soft Christmas music plays ] I just get emotional around the holidays, you know, Stefon? My family is all back in New Hampshire, and I don’t… get to spend the holidays with them any more. I guess I just… miss them this time of year.

Stefon: Sorry. I never knew you had a family. I just thought you were built by gay scientists! You know what? This year, i’m gonna get you a Christmas present.

Seth Meyers: [ excited ] Oh! Stefon! Well, what are you gonna get me?

Stefon: A human boombox!

Seth Meyers: what’s a human boombox?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when you carry a midget over your shoulder… while he sings gangsta rap.

Seth Meyers: That’s just what I’ve always wanted!

Stefon: Happy Holidays, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Soulmates

Pianist…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Katy Perry
Bartender…..Abby Elliott
Guys in Crowd…..Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Jay Pharoah
Mike…..Bobby Moynihan
Priest…..Bill Hader

[ open in elegant nightclub, as Pianist sings ]

Pianist:
“I’ve got a ring made of gold
A handsome face, so I’ve been told
Well, I’ve got enough money to last ’til I’m old
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky enters the nightclub and steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: What do you need?

Becky: What do I need? A soulmate. But I’ll settle for a Scotch.

Bartender: Coming right up. As for the other thing… just look around. Maybe he’s here tonight.

[ she glances around the room, spotting a trio of men who try to get her attention but fail to impress her. She sighs at these results. ]

Bartender: Can I get you something to eat?

Becky & Mike: How about a Colby beef burger, a Diet Sprite, and two bowls of clam chowder…?

[ they express surprise at their dual response ]

[ the Bartender steps away to give them a moment ]

Mike: What’s your name?

Becky: Rebeckie.

Mike: That’s my mother’s name.

Becky: What’s yours?

Mike: Mike.

Becky: That’s my mother’s name.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I got a big Cadillac
Got a fur coat on my back
I got a house so big you’ll have a heart attack
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Mike: First thing you need to know about me: I’m bad news. Trouble follows me everywhere.

Becky: I’ll take my chances. Favorite drink? Go!

Together: Scotch on the Rocks!

Mike: Nickname in high school?

Together: “Stupid Idiot”.

Becky: Favorite Ghostbuster?

Together: WINSTON!

Mike: Who’s the Boss?

Together: MONA!

Mike: You cagy little prairie dog.

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I got big alligator shoes
I get ripped off of top-shelf booze
I got a backyard full of kangaroos
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike ]

Becky: What do you do?

Mike: I’m an English professor, specializing in the poetry of Jewel. You remember that singer? Jewel?

Becky: I-I think so. Does she look like this: [ she tugs her dress down to reveal Jewel tattooed over her right breast ]

Mike: And you?

Becky: I’m a psychiatrist, specializing in Ostroconophobia. The fear of shrimp.

Mike: I think I know it. Is it spelled like this: [ he pulls his shirt apart to reveal a tattoo of the word “Ostroconophobia” and a shrimp with a red line over it across his belly ]

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
“I eat filet mignon
I played Hoops and beat Lebron
Well, instead of a pillow, you know I sleep on a swan
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ dissolve back to Becky and Mike, arms wrapped around one another while dancing ]

Mike: I told you — I’m bad news.

Becky: And I told you, I don’t care.

Mike: Well, then, I’ve got a question for you.

Becky: And I’ve got an answer for you.

Mike: You want to know my question? Just look in your glass.

[ she reaches into your glass and pulls out oan engagement ring ]

Becky: You want to know my answer? Look in your mouth!

[ he unfurls a note in his mouth that reads: “YES!” ]

Becky: How long before we get married?

Mike: Well, how long will it take you to turn around?

[ a Priest rises from behind the bar ]

Priest: Dearly beloved… we are gathered here today…

[ pan back to the Pianist singing ]

Pianist:
I got a flatscreen TV
A lot of models falling for me
I even got to sit down when I pee!
But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t got love.”

[ Becky and Mike stroll past ]

Becky: This was… the BEST night of my life!

Mike: It doesn’t have to end yet. As a matter of fact, I think we can make it last forever.

[ they kiss, as the elevator dings ]

[ the doors open to reveal an empty shaft, and Becky steps right into it without looking and screams ]

Mike: REBECCAAAAAAA!!!!

[ she lands with a splat ]

[ the music picks up, so Mike shakes it off and ambles over to the piano ]

Pianist: Well, you told her you were bad news.

Mike: I did. But I never told her that I loved her. Also, someone should take a look at that elevator.

Pianist: “But I ain’t got nothing if I ain’t! Got! Looooooove!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Katy Perry
Drug Addict…..Matt Damon
Brilliant Lunatic…..Val Kilmer
Abraham Lincoln…..John Solomon
Amelia Earhart…..Vanessa Bayer
Marilyn Monroe…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Katy Perry sitting outside by a holiday display, as Andy Samberg rushes in ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holiday?

Katy Perry: [ excited ] What!

Andy Samberg: The best gift there is — FRIENDSHIP!

Katy Perry: [ touched ] Aw, Andy!

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy decorating a Christmas tree ]

Andy & Katy: “…with holiday cheer.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wrapping lots of presents…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy caroling ]

Andy & Katy: “…and going caroling!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dressed for New Year’s Eve ]

Andy & Katy: “…at the end of the year.”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wearing funny hats ]

Andy & Katy: “We’re wearing funny hats…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy lying on a bed eating pocorn ]

Andy & Katy: “…and watching “Lion King”!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy dancing forward down the street ]

Andy & Katy: “Two best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish hens.”

[ cut to Andy pointing ]

Andy Samberg: Look! It’s a handsome drug addict!

Drug Addict: How’s it going?

Katy Perry: Do you want to be best friends with us, too?

[ the music shuts off, as the drug addict growls ]

Drug Addict: …Okay.

[ cut to Andy, Katy and the drug addict dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “Three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy wrapping presents ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…with holiday cheer!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy smelling flowers as the drug addict swats them ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re smelling all the flowers…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy eating pizza, as the drug addict swipes Andy’s slice ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “…and munching on pizza!”

[ cut to drug addict stealing socks from a railing ]

Drug Addict: “We’re stealing socks…”

[ cut to drug addict digging through trash ]

Drug Addict: “…and digging through trash.”

[ cut to Andy holding his nose as he drops below frame in front of a businessman ]

Drug Addict: “And paying for our meth with sexual favors.”

[ the drug addict gives two thumbs up ]

Andy, Katy & Drug Addict: “We’re three best friends…”

[ cut to Andy and Katy holding up a dish of cornish hens ]

Andy & Katy: “…eating cornish –“

[ the drug addict jumps in front with a box of Depends ]

Drug Addict: “Wearing Depends!”

[ a brilliant lunatic walks up ]

Brilliant Lunatic: Hey — I’m a brilliant lunatic. I want to be friends, too!

Andy Samberg: Uh, no — we’re good.

Brilliant Lunatic: Then, it’s settled.

Katy Perry: No!

[ cut to Andy, Katy, the drug addict, and the brilliant lunatic dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “Four best friends…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic holding up meth baggies ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And we all love meth!”

[ cut to Andy and Katy with worried looks on their faces ]

Andy & Katy: “…who love holiday cheer…”

[ cut to the drug addict and the brilliant lunatic leaning against a car ]

Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic: “And huffing on gas fumes!”

[ cut to the brilliant lunatic’s science lab ]

Brilliant Lunatic:
“Then, I’ll force you over to my science lab
and make you watch me feed my failed bird-man experiment!

[ reveal Bird-Man ]

Bird-Man: Kill meeee!

[ cut to the quartet ]

Andy, Katy, Drug Addict & Brilliant Lunatic:
“We’re four best friends
Fun never ends!”

Brilliant Lunatic: Speaking of fun — let’s play Russian Roulette.

Drug Addict: Great! I’ll go first!

[ the drug addict sticks a revolver in his mouth and pulls the trigger ]

[ blood splashes behind Any and Katy ]

Katy Perry: Okay, fuck this, I’m out of here!

Andy Samberg: [ worried ] What…?

Brilliant Lunatic: Bye.

[ Katy exits ]

Andy Samberg: [ nervously ] Looks like it’s back to two… [ he chuckles ]

[ the Bird-Man clears his throat ]

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Bird-Man dancing forward down the street ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Bird-Man: “Two-and-a-half friends!”

Bird-Man:
“I’m finally free!
I’m going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!”

[ the music stops ]

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Bird-Man: So, uh…

Brilliant Lunatic: Yeah. See ya’.

Bird-Man: [ holding a roll of condoms ] Don’t wait up! [ he exits ]

[ cut to Andy and the brilliant lunatic looking bored ]

Andy & Brilliant Lunatic: “Two guys left!”

Brilliant Lunatic:
“I built a time machine.
Let’s turn it on and meet Abraham Lincoln.”

[ a switch is pulled, and Abraham Lincoln appears ]

Abraham Lincoln: What’s up?

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, and Abraham Lincoln ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic & Abraham Lincoln: “Three best friends!”

Abraham Lincoln: Slavery sucks!

Andy Samberg: “This button is jammed…”

Brilliant Lunatic: “I’m sure it’s no problem.”

[ Amelia Earhart appears ]

Amelia Earhart: I’m the first woman —

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, and Ameia Earhart ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln & Amrlia Earhart: “Four best friends!”

[ Marilyn Monroe appears ]

[ cut to Andy, the brilliant lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, and Marilyn Monroe ]

Andy, Brilliant Lunatic, Abraham Lincoln, Amrlia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: “Five best friends!”

[ others are zapped into the lab in wild succession ]

Andy & Crowd:
“We’re all best friends, with holiday cheer!
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

[ SUPER: “Happy Holidays” ]

[ Bird-Man pops up ]

Bird-Man: “To meeeeee!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Kalle

Kalle…..Kristen Wiig
…..Katy Perry

[ open on station graphics ]

Announcer: you’re watching Finland 6, Finland’s fifth biggest television network. And now it’s time for “Kalle”!

[ dissolve to opening credits ]

[ dissolve to Kalle on-set ]

Kalle: Hello! I’m Kalle Jakkolla Welcome to “Kalle”. Today, our guest is a pop star of great renown. Please welcome Katy Perry!

[ Perry enters ]

Katy Perry: Hello, Kalle!

Kalle: Hi!

Katy Perry: Thanks for having me!

Kalle: Oh. Thanks for coming. You are a pop star of great renown!

Katy Perry: Uh — if you say so!

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos is.

Katy Perry: Well, there’s one called “Last Friday Night”… and that was inspired by my love of 80’s movies.

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from the music video ]

Kalle: That was it, yes?

Katy Perry: Yeah, that was it. It was a really fun video to make.

Kalle: Very good. Now, Katy — tell us about your personal life.

Katy Perry: Uh — okay. Well, uh — I’m married to Russell Brand…

Kalle: Ooh! We have clip!

[ cut to clip of Brand from “Arthur” ]

Kalle: That was him, yes?

Katy Perry: That’s him, alright…

Kalle: Yes! We have an EXCELLENT research team! Now… has has your trip to Finland been?

Katy Perry: It’s been a blast, um — although, sad story, I lost my luggage at the airport. So I don’t really —

Kalle: [ excited ] We have a clip!

[ cut to black-and-white security camera footage of Perry at the Lost and Found desk ]

Katy Perry: … It’s this big… and this tall… I’ve got my initials on a backpack: K.P.

[ return to talk show set ]

Katy Perry: [ unsteady ] How — how did you get that tape?

Kalle: I told you — we have an EXCELLENT research team!

Katy Perry: You know what? Uh — I don’t want to talk any more.

Kalle: Yes, but why not?

Katy Perry: Because I’m afraid of… whatever I say, you’ll have a clip.

Kalle: What is wrong with that? Having a clip is a common talk show device.

Katy Perry: I understand that, but when I came on your show today, I didn’t —

Kalle: Ooh! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip from earlier in the talk show ]

Kalle: I do! And I have!

Katy Perry: Okay.

Kalle: So tell us what’s one of your favorite music videos —

[ return to live interview ]

Kalle: [ laughing ] I remember that! Now… tell us some things!

Katy Perry: Uh — no, thank you!

Kalle: Yes! NOW, please!

Katy Perry: I don’t… want to… [ she shakes her head ]

Kalle: Pleeeeeease, Katy? Ooh, please!

Katy Perry: Fine. Um — but promise me you won’t do any more clips, okay?

Kalle: Very good! Now… tell us more things!

Katy Perry: Okay. I, uh —

Kalle: We have a clip!

[ cut to close-up on an eye looking about ]

Katy Perry: What is it with you? Talk show hosts are supposed to have charisma — you’re like… a robot. Now, what happens at the end of this show? Let me guess — [ intended sarcastically ] you go back to a cold, dark apartment and drink tea while your cats watch, or something?

Kalle: [ sullen ] We have clip.

[ cut to Kalle drinking tea in a cold, dark apartment surrounded by cats ]

[ return to Perry, stunned by this reality ]

Katy Perry: I’m so sorry, I-I did not know…

Kalle: Yes. It’s not your fault.

Katy Perry: Look — it’s just, i’ve been on tour and I’m tired, I’m really stressing… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.

Kalle: [ perking up ] You snapped! We have a clip!

[ cut to clip of Perry snapping her fingers at one of her concerts ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] Wow… you really do have a great research team.

Kalle: [ pleased ] Do you mean it?

Katy Perry: Yeah!

Kalle: Did you have fun on “Kalle”?

Katy Perry: I did. I think you’re great.

Kalle: [ touched ] You do?

Katy Perry: I do! I can even see us being friends one day.

Kalle: [ ecstatic ] We have a clip!

[ cut to Kalle and Perry laughing over glasses of wine at a restaurant, clinking their glasses and wrapping them around each other’s arms before taking a sip ]

Katy Perry: [ stunned ] When did that happen?

Kalle: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Katy Perry: [ suddenly very afraid ] Okay… I’m going to leave now. [ she stands and leaves ]

Kalle: They all do. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have on “Kalle”! Good night!

[ she stands to dance like a robot as the credits roll ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Goodnights

…..Katy Perry

Katy Perry: Thanks to Robyn! Darrell Hammond and Alec Baldwin tonight! And thank you so much to the cast, my friends — I love you, I don’t want it to end! [ she mimics crying, then points to the audience ] Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 10th, 2011

Katy Perry

Robyn

None

Darrell Hammond

Matt Damon

Val Kilmer

Alec Baldwin

None

Jorma Taccone

On The Record with Greta Van SusterenSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) speaks with Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond), who’s disappointed that only Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) and Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) are interested in participating in a Republican debate to be moderated by him.

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump.

Montage

Katy Perry’s MonologueSummary: Katy Perry admits that her weird wardrobe choices are based on people she knew growing up, like hair salon/bakery owner Janet Frankel (Kristen Wiig), ugly model Kathy-Beth Kerry (Andy Samberg), and fireworks victim Tom (Bill Hader), and they all want to kiss her.

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-obsessed Jonathan Cavanaugh-san (Taran Killam) and Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san (Vanessa Bayer) chat with Hello Kitty-obsessed Kirstie Davenport (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Jonathan Cavanaugh-san, Rebecca Stern-Marcowitz-san, Mark Kaufman, Jonathan’s Girlfriend.

The ApocalypseSummary: In a spoof of “Valentine’s Day” and “New Year’s Eve”, thousands of celebrities participate in a romantic-comedy set during the Apocalypse.

Recurring Characters: Christina Aguilera, Penny Marshall, Osama bin Laden, Alan Alda, Ashton Kutcher, Cuba Gooding Jr., Philip Seymour Hoffman, Al Roker, Drew Barrymore, Kim Cattrall.

KalleSummary: Finland talk show host Kalle Jakkolla (Kristen Wiig) interviews Katy Perry, but flusters the pop singer with an extensive use of clips provided by her show’s crack research team.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about being “Best Friends” with Katy Perry, a drug addict (Matt Damon), a brilliant lunatic (Val Kilmer), and a host of famous people from the past.

Recurring Characters: Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, Amelia Earhart.

Transcript

Doggie DutySummary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Doggie Duty”.

Recurring Characters: Randy Newman, Gwen Stefani, Meat Loaf, Clint Eastwood.

Robyn performs “Call Your Girlfriend”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Flirting expert Rebecca Larue (Kristen Wiig) sluts herself out to land a piece of Seth Meyers. Captain Steve Rogers (Alec Baldwin) makes a clumsy apology for having actor Alec Baldwin kicked off an American Airlines flight for playing a game of his cell phone earlier in the week. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines the hottest nightclubs for families seeking the ultimate New York experience at Christmastime.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Royal PregnancySummary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) beleaguer Kate Middleton (Abby Elliott) for not yet being pregnant with Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) child, but take a liking to the hooligan nature of her sister Pippa Middleton (Katy Perry).

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince William, Kate Middleton.

Politics Nation with Al SharptonSummary: Amateur television personality Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) misses all his cues while talking politics with Kelly O’Donnell (Katy Perry) and Jim VandeHei (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.

Robyn performs “Dancing On My Own”

SoulmatesSummary: Becky (Katy Perry) enters a piano bar in search of a soulmate and finds Mike (Bobby Moynihan), with whom she has absolutely everything in common with, and decides to marry him immediately.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Katy Perry), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.

Dr. WeekendSummary: Dr. Weekend (Jason Sudeikis) discovers that he’s getting too old to do the wild things he used to do when he was younger.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

VerizonSummary: Verizon accepts trade-ins on extremely old, outdated cell phones.

Half Jewish Half Italian Completely NeuroticSummary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jimmy Fallon.

Googie Rene’s Partially Damaged Christmas DecorationsSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Christmas decorations at a discount because his inventory is damaged.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 8

11h: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

An SNL Digital Short

Jim Gordon…..Steve Buscemi
Batman…..Andy Samberg
Aquaman…..Paul Brittain
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Gotham City — night ]

[ standing on a rooftop, Commissioner Jim Gordon turns on the Bat Signal and waits ]

Batman: Looking for someone?

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] Geez, Batman — you snuck up on me.

Batman: I think there’s something fishy going on in Arkham!

Jim Gordon: The Joker?

Batman: Only one way to find out!

Jim Gordon: Great. I’ll send out an APB. [ he turns his head for a split-second ] Yuo let me know what you find — [ he realizes Batman is gone ] He likes to do that…

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s kitchen, as he opens the fridge and digs into a Haagan-Daaz container ]

[ suddenly, Batman pushes the fridge door closed ]

Batman: You really ought to get a BOWL!

Jim Gordon: [ startled ] What the hell are you doing here?!

Batman: I think the Scarecrow’s up to something!

Jim Gordon: Okay, I’ll look into it… but can you let me know you’re coming next time?

Batman: No one in Gotham will be SAFE if we don’t stop him!

Jim Gordon: Fine! I’ll put in a call and have them do a sweep down in — [ he looks up, but Batman is gone ] What a weirdo!

[ transition from daytime city sweep to Jim Gordon scrubbing in the shower ]

[ he turns and is startled by Batman’s presence in his shower ]

Jim Gordon: GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!!

Batman: Aquaman, too!

Aquaman: [ meekly ] The water’s off in my building.

Jim Gordon: Get out, NOW! And put some pants on!

[ wide shot reveals all three men are bottomless, as Aquaman slowly looks down at Jim Gordon’s penis ]

[ cut to Jim Gordon at his doctor’s office ]

Doctor: Well… Jim, you’re in great health. All we gotta do is check the ol’ prostate, and we’ll get you out of here.

Jim Gordon: Great. Let’s get this over with.

[ the doctor tightens his surgical glove, as Jim winches ]

[ suddenly, Batman rises over Jim ]

Batman: The Penguin got a credit card!

Jim Gordon: [ annoyed ] GET OUT OF HERE!!

Batman: FINE!!

[ Batman smiles and raises a digital camera for a compromising photo, as the doctor poses behind Jim, then he disappears ]

[ transition from nighttime city sweep to Jim Gordon’s bedroom, as he sits in bed next to his wife ]

Jim Gordon: He has no boundaries.

Wife: Well, you don’t need any boundaries with me, Mister.

Jim Gordon: Is that so? [ he drops his newspaper ] Well, I’m happy to oblige, my lady…

[ Jim jumps on top of his wife, only to find Batman lying in her place ]

Batman: Her Riddler costume is weird!

Jim Gordon: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! [ he jumps to his feet ] WHERE’S MY WIFE?!

Wife: Over here.

[ reveal his wife wearing a Riddler costume ]

Wife: He made me put this on.

Batman: See how WEIRD it is!

Jim Gordon: That’s it! Don’t ever TALK to me again!

Batman: FINE!! [ he stomps away ]

Jim Gordon: Unbelievable!

[ Batman reappears in a squirrel costume ]

Batman: Hey! I’m the Squirrel! I’m a new villain that’s gonna take over Gotham — but Batman won’t stop me because you were MEAN to him!

Jim Gordon: Take that off, Moron!

[ Batman appears behind Jim ]

Batman: I’ve always loved you!

[ Batman logo zooms forward ]

Jingle: Batman!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts