Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:





Guest Writer:

December 4th, 2010

Robert DeNiro

Diddy Dirty Money

None

Robin Williams

Ben Stiller

Swizz Beatz

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Rob Klein

Paula Pell

Lewis Friedman

WikiLeaks: TMZSummary: Julian Assange (Bill Hader) interrupts a message from President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) to display footage of politicians caught in compromising positions.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Joseph Biden, Muammer Kaddafi.

Transcript

Montage

Robert DeNiro’s MonologueSummary: Although he was born in New York, Robert DeNiro gets all the facts about his hometown confused with other cities.

Transcript

The Abacus ConundrumSummary: Quick-published author Harlan Kane (Robert DeNiro) announces his latest tome — get it now before his next wave of titles are released.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Hollywood guests Robert DeNiro, Robin Williams, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

From the Garden with Mr. ProduceSummary: Mr. Produce, Tony Sicilia (Robert DeNiro), is riddled with bug-infested produce because his angst-ridden college son (Andy Samberg) forgot to water the vegetables while he was out-of-town to appear on “The Today Show”.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Harebrained junior executives (Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) arrive at a “Party at Mr. Bernard’s” (Robert DeNiro) to find their host deceased, only to be called out on their stunt to pretend he’s alive so they can score with bodacious babes.

Diddy Dirty Money performs “Coming Home”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Kim (Nasim Pedrad), Khloe (Abby Elliott) and Kourtney Kardashian (Vanessa Bayer) apologize for a failed attempt at issuing their own credit card. “Spider-man: The Musical” actor Ryan Christopher (Andy Samberg) hangs upside-down to relate tales of accidents inflicted upon his predecessors. 1982 aerobics instructor Janet Judy Tran (Kristen Wiig) performs while providing obesity weight-loss tips.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian.

Little FockersSummary: Little boy Keith (Bobby Moynhian) is amazed by all the behind-the-scenes personnel working on “Little Fockers”, but is unimpressed by actor Robert DeNiro.

Recurring Characters: Keith.

Transcript

Blizzard ManSummary: Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) and his mother (Robert DeNiro) lay down a track on Diddy’s new album.

Recurring Characters: Blizzard Man.

Transcript

La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) tries to get guest Robert DeNiro to say the famous line from “Taxi Driver”.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, Vinny Vedecci’s son, crew members.

Bosley Hair RestorationSummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Diddy Dirty Money and Swizz Beatz perform “Ass on the Floor”

It’s a LivingSummary: After a stressful day at the office, Calvin (Andy Samberg) wonders who he has to screw to get a drink at the bar, and is surprised to meet the two long-haired drifters (Robert DeNiro, Ben Stiller) who maintain that responsibility.

Transcript

Greetings from American America: I, HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a hippie (Dana Carvey) talks about the good old days while working at McDonald’s.

Note: This cartoon finally airs after being cut from several dress rehearsals this past season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Don’t Ask, Don’t TellSummary: Sen. John McCain (Bill Hader) and Joseph Lieberman (Fred Armisen) comment on the lifting of the Army’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Recurring Characters: John McCain, Joseph Lieberman.

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody will air on next week’s episode hosted by Paul Rudd.

Lewis & ClarkSummary: High school history class features a presentation on the story of Lewis & Clark.

TrinaSummary: Trina (Kristen Wiig) yells “Thomas!”

Recurring Characters: Trina.

ChoreographerSummary: A choreography teacher (Robert DeNiro) can’t resist his urge for steak.

Greetings from American America: Girls on a DodgeSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, two girls chat on the back of a Dodge pick-up.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

WXPD News

Anchor, Jack…..Jason Sudeikis
Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Maria DeSalvo…..Anne Hathaway
Ricky…..Paul Brittain
Sister…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Anchor: Morning, everyone. Our top story today: Shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store, and residents of a 50th Street apartment bilding saw the entire incident. Our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch, is on the scene. And, today he’s celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting.

[ dissolve to Herb Welch on the scene ]

Herb Welch: [ barely conscious ] …Hello, Jack.

Anchor: Hello, Herb — and congratulations! Now, tell us — what’s happening down there?

Herb Welch: I’m here with Maria De — De — Sylvia.

Maria DeSalvo: DeSalvo!

Herb Welch: What?

Maria DeSalvo: Maria De. Salv. O.

Herb Welch: [ he sighs ] Well, I don’t know. Why — why don’t you tell me what happened? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — well, I heard some shooting outside, and, uh, the kids were looking out the windows, so I told them, you know, “Get down!”

Herb Welch: Do you have any, uh, fun plans for, uh, for Turkey Day? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — what?!

Herb Welch: You gonna cook a bird, or, I don’t know, some yams or something?

Maria DeSalvo: Well — [ she flinches in prepration for Herb’s microphone whack ] We go to my Mother’s.

Herb Welch: So there you have it. Back to YOU, Jack!

Anchor: Okay, now, now, now wait a minute, Herb. Why don’t we ask her a little more about the robbery? Like, what time was it?

Herb Welch: What’s that?

Anchor: What TIME was it?

Herb Welch: Oh. Uh — uh — uh — What time is it? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Oh! It’s, like… 10 a.m.

Herb Welch: 10 a.m., Jack. You ought to wear a WATCH! When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch!

Anchor: No, Herb — ask her what time she heard the shots!

Herb Welch: Alright. Well, uh, what time did you hear the shots?

[ he thrusts the microphone toward her nose, but she ducks out of the way ]

Maria DeSalvo: I think it was around 8:30, but — [ Herb thrusts the microphone upward to hit her in the nose, then thumps it on her nose a few times ] No. [ thump ] My — [ thump ] kid — [ thump ] my kid saw everything! Everything!

Herb Welch: Thank you. Take it awaaaaaay, Jack!

Anchor: No, Herb! Herb! It sounds — it sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay? Why don’t we talk to one of them Herb?

Herb Welch: [ shaking his fingers at the camera ] You call me “Mr. Welch!”

Anchor: [ incredulous ] Alright. Alright, Mr. Welch. Ask who SAW the SHOOTING!

Herb Welch: Alright, now. Uh — uh — uh — uh, who saw the shooting?

[ he psyche-thumps the microphone at her a few times ]

Maria DeSalvo: My boy — Ricky! Ricky. [ she points off-screen ]

Herb Welch: Uh — [ he turns around ] Come here. [ he pulls Ricky into frame ] I got him. Now — now — now, what do you want me to do?

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] Ask him what he saw.

Herb Welch: Alright. What did you see? [ he thrusts the microphone against Ricky’s nose ]

Ricky: I saw two guys come runnin’ out of the store, and they jumped into a red car.

Herb Welch: Who’s your favorite baseball player?

Ricky: Uh — what? [ Herb whacks Ricky in the nose with his microphone ] What are you talking — ?

[ Ricky’s sister steps forward ]

Sister: They didn’t jump in a car — they jumped in a van?

Herb Welch: Who are you? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Sister: I’m his sister.

[ Herb repeatedly thumps each kid as they argue during their turn ]

Ricky: Stupid! It was a CAR!

Sister: It was a VAN! You don’t remember!

Ricky: Yeah, I DO!

Sister: No — Ow! Hey!

[ Herb begins to manaically whack each kid with the microphone as their argument escalates ]

Anchor: Herb! Herb! HERB!! Herb, quit hitting them with the microphone!! [ Herb doesn’t stop ] Herb, this is ridiculous!! STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: What, what?

Anchor: STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: Hey! I’m not gonna take reporting lessons from some haircut!

Anchor: Oh? Well, maybe you should, because you’re a lousy reporter.

[ Maria runs into frame ]

Maria DeSalvo: Hey… hey! Excuse me, Jack! With all due respect, uh, I don’t think you should yell at Mr. Welch so much. He’s just a little confused, alright?

Herb Welch: That’s right…

Maria DeSalvo: There’s a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but, considering how old he is… he’s doing a pretty good job.

Herb Welch: This broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale’s Brill Creme!

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] No, it’s NOT!

Herb Welch: Son of a bitch!

[ Herb begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Anchor: Okay. Okay. Okay, Herb! Alright, this was a BIG mistake! Alright, we apologize to you at home. We’ll follow up on that story later. Coming up: Some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. [ a paper is handed to him ] Oh, and some… sad news — we’ve jsut received word that veteran reporter, Herb Welch… died five seconds ago.

[ cut to Herb sitting dead on a couch with Maria DeSalvo, with SUPER: “HERB WELCH, 1920-2010” ]

[ suddenly, Herb rises and begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Herb Welch: I’m not dead, you bastards!

[ cut to news logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

TSA

Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Abby Elliott
Girl #3…..Nasim Pedrad
TSA Agent #1…..Kenan Thompson
TSA Agent #2…..Bill Hader
TSA Agent #3…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The following is a paid advertisement.”

[ dissolve to hazy, soft-porn images of various girls ]

Girl #1: Feeling lonely this holiday season?

Girl #2: Looking for a little human interaction?

Girl #3: Do you want to feel contact in certain… “special” places?

[ dissolve to three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: Then why not go through security at an airport?

[ dissolve to title card: “Transportation Security Administration” ]

V/O: The TSA.

[ dissolve back to the TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #2: TSA agents are ready and standing by to give you a little something extra to feel thankful about this holiday season.

[ the letters “T S A” scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to another TSA agent ]

TSA Agent #3: What are you waiting for? [ he snaps a rubber glove onto his hand ] I want to check under your testicles!

[ the letters “T S A” scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to seductive angle scrolls of the TSA agents ]

Announcer: Spending time with a TSA agent couldn’t be easier. Simply book a flight departing from any American airport. When selected for a full body scanning, say “No.” You’ll be pulled aside by a TSA agent, and that’s when the fun begins. And you never know who your agent will be.

[ dissolve to tight shots of the girls ]

Girl #3: It could be me.

Girl #2: Or me.

Girl #1: Or even me.

[ cut to the three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: But it’s probably gonna be US! Now TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN SHOE!!!

[ dissolve to title card: “Transportation Security Administration” ]

Announcer: The TSA. It’s our business to touch yours.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

The Essentials with Robert Osborne

Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis
Dorothy…..Anne Hathaway
Scarecrow…..Andy Samberg
Tin Man…..Taran Killam
Cowardly Lion…..Bill Hader
Weather Vane…..Fred Armisen
The Wizard…..Bobby Moynihan

[The narrator tells us that we are watching “Turner Classic Movies.” The show: “The Essentials with Robert Osborne.”]

Robert Osborne: Hello, I’m Robert Osborne. Welcome back to “The Essentials,” where we take a behind the scenes look at America’s greatest films. Last week, we showed you some rare footage of Bing Crosby screaming at a cleaning woman. This week, we have a real treat in store. 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” is filled with unforgettable scenes and characters. But, tonight, we take a look at the moments that ended up on the cutting room floor. Let’s watch those lost scenes now.

[The music of “We’re Off to See the Wizard” begins. Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion are skipping down the yellow brick road and singing the tune.]

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: [singing] We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!

[Suddenly there’s a rustle in the corn to the left of the group.]

Dorothy: Shhh…I hear something!

[A dorky looking weather vane appears, complete with old-style glasses and think New York accent.]

Weather Vane: Hi. How are you?

Tin Man: Well, would you look at that!

Weather Vane: What’s going on, you know, it’s weird ’cause I heard you guys goin’ down the road, and I’m thinking where are those guys going, you know? So, I figure I’d come check it out.

Scarecrow: Well, you’re an awful strange looking bird. What are those letters?

Weather Vane: Oh, I’m a weather vane. I work up on that barn up there, you know. So, when the wind blows, I go different directions, you know. [He trails off.] Where you guys goin’?

Dorothy: Why, we’re off to see the wizard.

Scarecrow: I’m going to get a brain.

Tin Man: I’m going to get a heart.

Cowardly Lion: I’m gonna get some courage so I can put ’em up, put ’em up, put ’em up!

Dorothy: [talking to the Weather Vane] And if you come with us, you can ask the wizard for something to.

Weather Vane: Oh really? I’m thinkin’. You know what I want? A new apartment. I’ve been in the same place for like four years now, yeah, I got two roommates, yeah, added to that, it’s like far from everything. I can’t buzz people in, you know, the buzzer doesn’t work; so you gotta drop the key down the window. I can’t live like that.

[Music starts up.]

Dorothy: [singing] So now we all know what we want.

Scarecrow: [singing] A brain.

Tin Man: [singing] A heart.

Cowardly Lion: [singing] The nerve.

Weather Vane: [singing] Plus my own apartment.

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: [singing] We’re off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Weather Vane: Where you guys goin’?

[Cut back to Robert Osborne, sitting in his chair.]

Robert Osborne: The original script featured several scenes with the character of the Weather Vane, played by New York actor Lon Donson. [A black-and-white photo of Donson is shown, with him wearing the same black-rimmed glasses the Weather Vane was wearing.] Let’s look at another unseen treasure.

[Cut back the gang staring at the Emerald City in wonderment.]

Tin Man: Oh! There it is! The Emerald City! Why, it’s just beautiful, isn’t it?!

Scarecrow: Isn’t it something, Dorothy?

[Pan over to Dorothy standing with the Weather Vane.]

Weather Vane: Dorothy, so how long until we get there?

Dorothy: We’re supposed to just follow the yellow brick road.

Weather Vane: You know, I was telling the Lion just now, I say, we’re walking all day, you know, we’re not stopping to eat, and I’m starving, I’m getting dizzy. I pointed out like eight places we could stop to get something, you know what I mean?

Dorothy: Oh, we need to get there soon. My Auntie Em must be so worried about me.

Weather Vane: I’m talking! OK, so Tin Man goes ‘OK, we’ll eat when we get to Oz,’ and I go ‘I don’t know what’s going to be open, you know, and I can’t take my pills on an empty stomach.’ So….

Dorothy: I just hope…..

[Music starts up. The Weather Vane seems confused.]

Weather Vane: [looking around] What are you doin’? What are you gonna sing a song? Are you gonna sing?

Dorothy: [singing] Someday, I’ll wake up from my eyes…

Weather Vane: Dorothy?…

Dorothy: [singing] …and in that land beyond the skies…

Weather Vane: Dorothy? Dorothy? Did you write this song?

Dorothy: [singing] you’ll find me!

Weather Vane: Scarecrow, did you write this? Tin Man?

Dorothy: [singing] Somewhere, over the rainbow…

[Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow join the two and begin to sway to the music.]

Weather Vane: This melody is so good. Do you guys know this song? I never heard it in my life.

[Cut back to Robert Osborne, sitting in his chair. He pauses as the audience claps and cheers with laughter at the ridiculousness of the Weather Vane.]

Robert Osborne: If you listen closely, at the end of that scene, you can here the crew booing. Despite his unpopularity, however, director Victor Fleming shot over 400 feet of film featuring the forgotten Weather Vane.

[Cut back to Oz, where the Wizard is giving the group their gifts.]

Wizard of Oz: And remember, Tin Man, a heart is not measured by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

Weather Vane: Congratulations, that’s really nice for you.

Dorothy: [dejectedly] Oh, Wizard, I suppose there isn’t anything in that black bag for me.

Weather Vane: Hey, wait, wait…you skipped me! She’s gotta wait her turn, right, Wizard? You can’t do that!

Dorothy: But, I want to go home! To Kansas!

Weather Vane: Right, but that’s not gonna happen. You gotta stay here, you know, stay with friends until you find an apartment. You know, this guy can help you. He is….[the camera does a close-up of the Weather Vane and his goofy expression]…the WIZARD OF OZ! [The Weather Vane then gives an awkward look to the camera.]

[Cut back to Robert Osborne sitting in his chair.]

Robert Osborne: Lon Donson went on to be cut from several other Hollywood classics. He had memorable deleted scenes in films like “Casablanca”….[Donson is shown in black-and-white footage wearing an officer’s uniform with a weird expression on his face]…”The Ten Commandments”…[Donson is shown, glasses and all, with an amazed look on his face as Moses hands down the Commandments……and “The Sound of Music”……[Donson is shown with his hands over his ears as the von Trapp family is singing one of their memorable tunes]..where he played a neighbor who asked the von Trapps to ‘please keep it down.’ For Turner Classic Movies, I’m Robert Osborne.

[The title card (“The Essentials” with Robert Osborne) is shown again.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Visiting the Queen

Prince William…..Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth…..Fred Armisen
Prince Philip…..Bill Hader
Kate Middleton…..Anne Hathaway
Servant…..Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ]

[ dissolve to interior, Queen’s parlor ]

Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.

Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.

Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.

Kate Middleton: It’s a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.

Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes…

Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.

Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.

Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and I’m honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.

[ Servant enters ]

Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.

Prince William: Ah well, I’ll only be a moment; do chat until I return.

[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, it’s all so brilliant and exciting!

Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!

Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?

Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]

Prince Philip: What do you want?

Kate Middleton: I’m sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?

Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, you’ve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?

Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?

Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?

Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?

Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, don’t it?

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I don’t want a piece of your action, I want to marry William

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.

Prince Philip: I’m not talking about about salad forks, love. This ain’t “The Princess Diaries.”

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, ‘cause that movie’s crap, ain’t it?

Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but… what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?

Queen Elizabeth: A’ight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, don’t go asking questions like “Where d’you get this vase?” or “Where that throne from?”

Prince Philip: ‘Cause chances are we nicked it.

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.

Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.

[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?

Prince Philip: Piss off!

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.

[ Servant exits ]

Queen Elizabeth: It’s not bad, is it?

Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to… piss off?

Queen Elizabeth: ‘Cause we do whatever the hell we want!

Prince Philip: Yeah!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Prince William: I’m back.

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time I’d ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we we’re just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.

Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! I’ll be back!

Kate Middleton: Don’t…

[ Prince William exits ]

Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isn’t he? He used to be better-looking, but still.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties…

Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.

Kate Middleton: Alright… Debra…

Queen Elizabeth: Well, it’s a clever girl, that’s good.

Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when you’re out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.

Kate Middleton: Oh my God, that’s horrible!

Queen Elizabeth: Well we’re horrible people, aren’t we?

Kate Middleton: Where’s William? Where’s William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!

Queen Elizabeth: No no, you can’t get away from me ‘cause I’m on the money, ain’t I? I’m on the money, I’m in your wallet. I’m in your wallet…

Kate Middleton: William!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.

Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Let’s go my love.

Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.

Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.

Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes… Goodbye Debra!

[ Prince William and Kate exit ]

Queen Elizabeth: I’ll bet I’ll kick your arse, you git!

[ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Penelope

Mary…..Anne Hathaway
Lisa…..Nasim Pedrad
Lou…..Kenan Thompson
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Homeless Man…..Bobby Moynihan
Pastor Mike…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Lutheran Church: sign advertises “FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER” ]

[ dissolve to interior ]

Mary: [ giddy ] Hi, everyone. I’m Mary! I just want to thank you SO much for volunteering at St. Angel’s Thanksgiving soup kitchen! These dinners… are so fun! Last year, we ate… and laughed… and partied, and, and, and… it was so hard, that we — we didn’t get out of here until, like, 8:30! I’m talking P.M.!

Lisa: Well… I’m Lisa, and it’s my first time doing this! I’m excited!

Lou: And I’m LOU!! And seeing all these wonderful faces here today, it really warms my heart.

[ suddenly, from out of nowhere, Penelope leans into the frame ]

Penelope: It warms my heart, too! Soooo… that’s okay. Mine’s burning a lot, though — it’s like a little ball of fire under my bra! I can’t say the Pledge of allengiance without burning my hand, soooo… I guess my heart’s a little warmer than yours!

Mary: Thank you, uh, Penelope, was it?

Penelope: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mary: Oh, good. Well, um — as I was saying, Thanksgiving is a special time for me. Interesting fact: Thanks to Ancestry.com, I just found out that I had relatives come over on the Mayflower!

Penelope: My relatives came over on the April Flower, soooo… I guess they got here one month before yours did.

Mary: Alright. Good to know. Uh — oh! Well! I can see that people are starting to arrive, so I’m gonna open the doors, and, uh, everybody, let’s get our aprons on!

[ Lou puts a “WORLD’S GREATEST CHEF” apron on ]

[ Penelope puts a “UNIVERSE’S GREATEST-EST CHEF SO….” apron on ]

Mary: [ as she opens the door for the homeless ] Aw, come on in! Come on in! Happy Thanksgiving, everybo —

Penelope: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Mary: Happy Turkey Day —

Penelope: HAPPY TURKEY DAY!! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Birthday! Happy Fourth of July! You’ll probably get to see a lot of fireworks, because you live outside.

Mary: [ stunned ] Penelope! Uh — you know what? I-I think I’ve got this covered, alright? Why don’t you go over there and serve some corn?

Penelope: Mmm-hmm.

[ Penelope takes her place behind the serving table, as a homeless man steps forward ]

Lisa: Mashed potatoes?

Homeless Guy: Yeah, please! They’re my favorite!

Lisa: Ohhhh, well, maybe I can sneak you a little extra!

Homeless Guy: Whoa!

Penelope: I’ll sneak you a little extra, too. [ she holds out an oversized spoon filled with niblets ] Some corn, uh? I’m just gonna give you a little more than she did, sooo… I’m gonna give you a little more than she did.

Homeless Guy: Oh, WOW!! I am thankful for YOU, lady!

[ he moves along ]

Mary: [ running forward ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Penelope! What are you doing? you can’t give that much corn to one person! HERE! [ she hands Penelope a normal-sized spoon ]

Lou: Don’t be so hard on her. She means well.

Mary: Well… fine! But just don’t bring out any more BIG silverware, okay? [ she looks over ] Pastor Miiiike! It’s so good to see you!

Pastor Mike: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Wow, look at all these turkeys — hey, there’s food here, too! [ he laughs ]

Mary: Oh, Pastor Mike! You tell SUCH good jokes!

Pastor Mike: Thank you very much!

[ suddenly, Penelope appears with a microphone standing before her ]

Penelope: [ tapping the microphone ] Is this thing on? I tell good jokes, too! Did you guys hear the one about the peanut? The one who went to Central Park? It was a salted! That’s my time, you’ve been a great crowd! [ she sidles off ]

Mary: Thank you, Penelope. Anyway, Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick!

Pastor Mike: Ohhh! don’t mind if I do! And, when you have a chance, come by my table and say “Hi”. THe whole family’s here — all three of us!

[ Penelope rises up from the floor ]

Penelope: My family’s here, too, sooo… There’s six of us, so, like, double-bigger than yours. They’re right over there, sooo…

[ reveal a weird-looking sextet standing against the wall mimicking Penelope’s mannerisms ]

Lisa: Excuse me, uh, Mary?

Mary: Mmm-hmm?

Lisa: Some of the people are wondering if you could turn up the volume on the football game?

Mary: Oh, of course! No problem! I’d be happy to do that!

[ reveal Penelope beneath the wall-mount television ]

Penelope: I’m already doing it, so. I’m just gonna turn it up a little bit louder than you would have. I’m just turning it up!

Mary: [ smiling ] Hmm. If Pastor Mike wasn’t here, I’d kick that girl in the giblets!

Lisa: Oh, she’s just being helpful!

Mary: Well…

[ the crowd reacts to a play ]

Lou: That’s the LONGEST pass I’ve ever seen! What’s Sanchez doing? There’s no one in the end zone!

Lisa: [ squinting at the screen ] Who is that?

[ reveal Penelope at the end zone on the television, as she catches the pass ]

Penelope: It’s me, I caught it, sooo… Touchdown! Thank you, Lord! [ she kisses the football ]

Mary: [ incredulous ] What is happening?!

[ Penelope reappears in the dining area ]

Penelope: Does anyone want this football? I can’t play any more, I just tested positive for steroids.

Mary: She’s RUINING this entire day! She’s acting like she’s the, the Queen of Thanksgiving!

Penelope: [ holding a sceptor over a turkey centerpiece ] I AM the Queen of Thanksgiving, so… I now dub thee Sir Waddle Gobble Lot! So, congratulations!

Mary: Really, Penelope? Really? You are the… Queen of Thanksgiving? Well — [ she chuckles ] I’m the, uh, PRESIDENT of WEDNESDAYS! And, uh — and, and, and you know what else? I drive a tanning bed to work! And, and, and, if I clap three times, a weiner dog appears, and — OH! My dad’s a chocolate chip! And, you know what else? If I want to relax, I just turn myself into a pot of soup! So… [ she mumbles and begins to pull at her hair ]

Penelope: Well… I guess all I can say is: My tanning bed drives me to work, so I can read the paper and have my coffee. And if I clap twice, all the dogs in the world get next to a weiner. And my dad’s a chocoalte chip cookie, so your dad’s baked inside. And when I want to relax, I shrink into a pot of soup and float around and use a celery stick as a raft. So… [ she pulls at her hair ]

Mary: I don’t even know why I am WASTING my time with you! This is a day of thanks and… you made it all about YOU!!

Lisa: Mary, calm down. Just try to have some food and relax.

Mary: You’re right. I’m sorry. I — [ she laughs at herself ]

Lou: Uhhh, Mary? I think we have a situation over here.

[ Mary peers into the soup pot ]

[ reveal a shrunken Penelope usinf a celery stick as a raft ]

Penelope: Happy Thanksgiving! I’m not thankful four anything — I’m thankful five, so more than you! I’m more thankful than eveyone else! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Happy Turkey Day…

[ pull back, as the bluescreen floor and celery stick prop is revealed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Anne Hathaway’s Monologue

…..Anne Hathaway
…..Andy Samberg
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anne Hathaway!

Anne Hathaway: Thank you SO much! It is SO great to be hosting “SNL” again! Ladies and gentlemen — IT’S THE THANKSGIVING SHOOOOWWW!! [ the audience cheers ] Alright, I am — I am SO excited because my new movie “Love and Other Drugs” opens Wednesday. Uh — [ the audience cheers ] Thank you. This movie, it’s a real departure from the kinds of movies that I’m known for, in that in contains a… substantial amount of nudity. And, uh, I have to say, the Press has been all over it. I mean — well, here I am with my co-star, Jake Gylenhaal, on the cover of this week’s Entertainment Weekly. [ reveal cover ] And… we were also on the cover of Jet. [ reveal cover ] And the children’s magazine Highlights. [ reveal cover ] Aw, that was a FUN shoot!

Um — okay, let me just get this out of the way. Yes. It’s very nervewracking to do nude scenes. But, I believe that, if it’s worth the integrity of the story, an actor should go for it.

[ Andy Samberg enters ]

Andy Samberg: Hi, Anne, sorry to interrupt.

Anne Hathaway: Oh! It’s okay, Andy!

Andy Samberg: Sorry. I have a couple of changes in the Boardroom sketch.

Anne Hathaway: Uh-huh?

Andy Samberg: We’re putting you in a curlier wig, and we’re changing the name of the company to TechnoTech.

Anne Hathaway: Oh. Okay! That’s better! Yeah!

Andy Samberg: Yeah. Oh, and, uh, also — we’re gonna need you to be naked.

Anne Hathaway: Oh. Um… is it important to the scene?

Andy Samberg: [ bluffing ] It is… SO important.

Anne Hathaway: Then, I’ll do it!

Andy Samberg: Thank you.

[ Andy makes an ecstatic face and exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: Okay, now where was I? Oh, right, right! Serving the story.

[ Bobby Moynihan rushes on stage ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Anne!

Anne Hathaway: Hey, Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, how are you?

Anne Hathaway: What’s up?

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, uh, in the Turkey Family sketch?

Anne Hathaway: Mmm-hmm?

Bobby Moynihan: Uh, we made a few changes. Uh — you’re still gonna have the beak and the wattle, but, uh, other than that, you’re gonna be naked.

Anne Hathaway: [ confused at first, then smiles ] Oh! Like, like, like — [ she laughs ] a turkey that’s had all its feathers plucked! Gosh, that’s hilarious!

Bobby Moynihan: [ humoring her with a loud guffaw ] Yeah! Wait — so, wait — you’ll do it?

Anne Hathaway: Yeah!

Bobby Moynihan: GREAT! [ looks offstage ] Andy! It worked!

[ Bobby rushes offstage to join Andy ]

Anne Hathaway: Everyone is so great here! So, anyway, if the story —

[ Kenan Thompson suddenly appears onstage ]

Kenan Thompson: Heeeey, Anne! In the, uh, Funeral sketch —

Anne Hathaway: Get naked?

Kenan Thompson: Great minds!

[ Kenan exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: anyway, “integrity” is probably my favorite word.

[ Kristen Wiig suddenly appears onstage ]

Kristen Wiig: Anne, Anne, Anne, Anne! Oh. Anne. Um… [ pause ]

Anne Hathaway: [ filling the gap ] Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hi. You don’t have to take — to be naked to be taken seriously as an actor.

Anne Hathaway: That’s not why I do it, Kristen. Like — like I said, it’s about the craft, it’s about art, it’s about trust. And I really trust these guys.

[ reveal Kenan, Andy, and Bobby holding up mini-camcorders with their tongues wagging ]

Kristen Wiig: Yeah… you were never gonna get naked, were you?

Anne Hathaway: Nah! I wasn’t. I just lied to make them happy!

Kristen Wiig: [ to the audience ] And that’s what Thanksgiving is all about!

[ Kristen exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: It sure is! We have a GREAT show for you tonight. I’m SO excisted to be hosting again! Florence and the Machine is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie Holmes…..Anne Hathaway
Batman…..Andy Samberg

[ opening logo ]

Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!

Jingle:
“I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”

[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]

Miley Cyrus: Shello! It’s Miley, y’all! So, this is, like, my show where I, like, talk to people, I’m pretty cool, and we’ll, like, talk about things like I’m pretty cool. So, yeah — it’s pretty cool! Heading up the Miley Cyrus Band over here, we’ve got my dad — Billy Ray Cyrus!

[ cut to Billy Ray and the band ]

Billy Ray Cyrus: [ laughing ] Hi! Hey, Miley! It’s an HONOR to share the stage with my baby giiiiirl!

Miley Cyrus: Thanks, Dad! [ she comically puts her finger in her throat like she’s gagging ] Okay! So, like, I thought I’d do something new on my comedy monologue this week! [ she holds up a puppet ] So! This is my little sister Smiley! And she’s gonna help me with my comedy monologue! Hey, Smiley! did you know that the average American woman spends TWENTY hours doung holiday shopping? [ as Smiley: ] Twenty hours?! That’s, like, a full day! That’s CRAZY! [ as herself: ] I know!! That’s CRAZY, right! [ she smiles ] That was ME doing the voice of Smiley, y’all! She’s not my sister — she’s actually a PUPPET!

[ cut to Billy Ray cracking up laughing ]

Billy Ray Cyrus: Oh, you had me FOOLED, Sweetie! I talked to Smiley for a HALF-HOUR backstage! [ he laughs ] I thought she was just shyyyyy!

[ cut to Miley seated on her main set ]

Miley Cyrus: Dad? Schnock it off! Okay! So, as y’all probably heard — I’m SEXY now! So, we’re gonna do a segment now, where we show pictures of me… BEING SEXY! Like, here’s one of me getting steamy with a male model!

[ reveal photo of Miley placing rabbit ears over the head of a topless male model ]

Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing, like, a sexy, flirty wink.

[ reveal photo of Miley giving an awkward wink ]

Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing a sexy pose with a snake, like Britney Spears!

[ reveal photo of Miley in dire panic as a snake wraps around her neck ]

Miley Cyrus: And here’s me as Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct”!

[ reveal pixelated photo ]

Miley Cyrus: That’s pretty sexy, right!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Whooooo! My little girl’s gorwing up! [ he laughs ]

Miley Cyrus: Soooo… my guest tonight is a very sexy lady — just like ME! So, please, give a big Shello! to Katie Holmes!

[ Katie Holmes enters the set, swaps cheek-kisses with Miley, then sits ]

Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You used to be on a show called “Dawson’s Creek”, back in the 1900’s! so that must have been… pretty cool!

Katie Holmes: Oh, it was… [ she struggles to find the word ] great! And my character, Joey, was such a joy to play. On the surface, she just seemed like another cute, popular girl, but… [ struggling ] beneath it, she was this incredibly complicated and intelligent woman.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah! Like ME! So! There is something I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how did you transition into doing more adult roles, and, like, What’s the sexiest role you’ve ever done, and, like, How many boys have you kissed on screen, and, like, Who’s your best friend, and, like, Who’s Tom Cruise’s best friend, and Why does your baby wear high heels, and What does Jesus think of Scientology?

Katie Holmes: Wow! That is such an interesting array of… [ struggling ] complex questions.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Whoo-hoo-hoo!! Great job, baby!! You’re like a pretty little Regis!! [ he laughs ]

Miley Cyrus: Dad!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey… hey… [ meekly ] you’re my role model.

Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You played Batman’s girlfriend in the first ever “Batman” movie, in 2005! Which is pretty cool, ’cause I just auditioned to play his girlfriend in the NEXT “Batman” movie! So, like, do you want to see my screen test?

Katie Holmes: Uh… sure… okay…

Miley Cyrus: OKAY, LET’S ROLL THAT CLIP!!

[ cut to clip from “Batman’s Back” ]

Batman: We need to get out of here! This whole place is gonna blow!

Miley Cyrus: Oh… my… God! This is SO scary and suspenseful, and stuff like that! And I mean, like, all this danger, and stuff like that! And you’re, like, Batman, so you’re kind of like a bat, and you’re kind of like a HOT guy, you look, like, really sexy, and it’s really scary, and it’s really suspenseful, and I might DIE! [ she smiles at the camera and holds the pose ]

[ return to talk show set ]

Miley Cyrus: So! What do you think!

Katie Holmes: Yeah. There’s a lot of… [ struggling to the point of hyperventilating ] interesting complexity there.

Billy Ray Cyrus: [ crying ] And the Oscar goes to my baby girl! [ he shakes his head ] I mean… you melt my heart! My achy-breaky heart!

Miley Cyrus: Well! That’s our show! My thanks to Katie Holmes!

Katie Holmes: [ weakly ] Thank you! The pleasure was… [ she struggles, but never completes her thought ]

Miley Cyrus: Okay! Thanks for watching, y’all! Come on, Dad! Let’s do our song!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Yeah-ah!

Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus: [ singing ]
“I got guests, and a showAnd we’re ready to go!So I guess that’s… pretty cool.It’s pretty cool!”

[ Miley peaces out, y’all ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Mega-Mart

Spokesman…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer…..Anne Hathaway

Spokesman: Clear your calendars! Chug that coffee! And wake the kids! Because THIS Friday is BLACK Friday at Mega-Mart!

[ stock photo of Mega-Mart exterior ]

Announcer: BLACK FRIDAY!!

Spokesman: It’s the biggest shopping day of the year, and we’re giving you INCREDIBLE $aving$, with:

Announcer: MEGA-MART!! 12 MINUTE MADNESS!!

Spokesman: This is the shortest, craziest, sale in retail history!

[ stock footage of crazed shoppers trampling over one another as they rush into the store ]

Spokesman V/O: You have just TWELVE minutes to rush in, and grab all the deals you can carry!

Spokesman: It’s gonna be a Savings Stampede!

[ speeded-up stock footage of cattle running through their pen ]

Announcer: SAVINGS STAMPEDE!!

Spokesman: Door buster specials like: iPads for $39.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: 3D Televisions for $71.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: And a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel — Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space — it’s available for only $6! And there’s ONLY seven left! So line up early, because we’re starting at 4 a.m.!

Announcer: CRACK ‘A DAWN!!

[ a rooster appears over the words and crows ]

Spokesman: That’s right, Coked Up Rooster!

[ stock footage of crowds lined up outside ]

Spokesman V/O: At 4 a.m., we will SWING our doors open to anybody and EVERYbody!

Spokesman: JUST as soon as we finish waxing and mopping our floors!

[ reveal store aisle with a WET FLOOR sign ]

Announcer: SLIDE INTO $AVINGS!

[ speeded-up footage of a narrow aisle ]

Spokesman V/O: ALL the best deals are located at the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!

Announcer: FIRE HAZARD!!

Spokesman: And, to make room for more customers, we’ve removed our security guards!

[ superimposed footage of a security guard blasting into space ]

[ stock footage of tents set up outside the store ]

Spokesman V/O: People have already started camping out in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko — America’s premier hillbilly and cholo fuel!

Spokesman: If you show up too late, you will be HUMILIATED!

[ cut to customer Janice Wrust standing in a line ]

Janice Wrust: [ freaking out ] I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I’ll steel myself, my stakes’ in order, and I’ve made peace with my God and those around me, so I’ll get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit, JUST YOU WAIT! Whoo, what a day for shopping!

Spokesman: Your shopping carts can only be slowed by ONE thing: BOXES!! So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-minute frenzy will get a FREE box cutter at the door!

Announcer: FREE BOX CUTTER!!

Spokesman: And, to keep the energy up, we’ve hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the TOP death-metal DJs in the tri-state area! He’ll be playing music SO loud…

Announcer: NO ONE!! CAN HEAR YOU!! SCREAM!!

Spokesman: Finally, we’re proud to have 93-year old actor Kirk Douglas on hand, to sign copies of his book — The Ragman’s Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find and touch him, will win ONE FREE KINDLE!!

Announcer: CATCH HIM!! TOUCH HIM!! WIN!!

Spokesman: So strap on yuor combat boots, and start running for Black Friday’s 12-minute madness at Mega-Mart!

[ a superimposed crowd runs past on a loop ]

Spokesman: This is happening!! Ha ha!!

[ close-up of Spokesman’s frenzied face ]

Spokesman: THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

Announcer: GET IT!! DO IT!! OWN IT!! MEGA-MART!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

The Rachel Maddow Show

Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott
John Boehner…..Bill Hader
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Charles Rangel…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on MSNBC graphics ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Rachel Maddow: Hello, and welcome to “The Rachel Maddow Show”. I’m Rachel Maddow, and, in a cross promotion with the new “Harry Potter” movie, my haircut will look like this forever. Joining us today: new Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner.

John Boehner: Thank you for pronouncing it right. You can imagine people have a lot of fun with it.

Rachel Maddow: Current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel. Hello, Boner.

Rachel Maddow: And last but not least, a man recently found guilty of 11 ethics violations, Charlie Rangel.

Charles Rangel: I am… somewhat innocent!

Rachel Maddow: John Boehner, we start with you. Your party claims it wants to lower the deficit, but won’t extending the Bush tax cuts to the top earners add $700 billion to the deficit?

John Boehner: Rachel, on election night, the American people spoke and they spoke loudly. And the words they spoke were: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: But, surely you don’t think you can close the deficit gap solely with cuts in spending?

John Boehner: Rachel, the American people could not have been louder or clearer. True story — On election night, I was asleep, and suddenly I heard voices. I went to my window and I opened it up. It was the voices of the American people, and they were saying loudly and in unison. like a great big barber shop quartet: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: So if your only measure to lower the deficit is reducing spending, what are some of the programs that you would be willing to cut?

John Boehner: Uh, on this, sadly, the American people were not clear. I yelled from my window: “American people, what specific programs should we cut?” Their voices faded away into the night. The last thing I heard was: [ whispering ] “Stop the tax hikes. Stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: One last question: “Orange” you glad I didn’t mention the color of your face? [ she laughs ]

John Boehner: Very funny.

Rachel Maddow: We turn now to the current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel.

Rachel Maddow: Madam Speaker, Republicans are saying that America spoke in the midterm elections, and Democrats need to completely change the way they do things.

Nancy Pelosi: And it’s such a good point, Rachel. And I do intend to follow the wonderful example of Republicans who, after the 2008 elections, when the Democrats took the presidency and both houses, completely changed the way they did things. I think we all remember how helpful they became, so willing to reach across the aisle. Oh wait, I have that backwards. They turned into a pack of ferrel dogs guarding a turned over trash can.

Rachel Maddow: This week, you held off a challenge from within your own party for your own leadership position. Does that bother you?

Nancy Pelosi: Nothing bothers me, Rachel. That’s why I always have the same expression. [ she holds her pose ] But I want to assure my enemies that it will take more than one election to take me down. If you want to get rid of Nancy Pelosi, you better be ready to cut off my head and bury it separately from my body.

Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi. A woman who always looks like she’s watching someone not use a coaster. Joining us now, the Democrat who had the toughest week, Charlie Rangel. Welcome, Congressman.

Charles Rangel: Hello, young man.

Rachel Maddow: Congressman, what was your reaction to Thursday’s censure?

Charles Rangel: Rachel, I did not deserve this treatment. I am a 20-term congressman. I’m a decorated war hero. I was awarded both the Bronze Star, as well as the Silver Pompadour. [ he runs his hand through his hair ] Yet, still I am attacked.

Rachel Maddow: Well, you’re under attack for your legal troubles.

Charles Rangel: I-I’d like to make a distinction. People keep saying I’m having “legal” troubles. These are ethics violations. I did nothing criminal. I just did things that were unethical. Did I kill someone? No. Did I lie for the purposes of getting money? Perhaps. When I say “perhaps”, do I mean “yes”? I do. But I am not a criminal. I am just a person that can — and should — not be trusted.

Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel, if you lived in the Old West, you’d be the bartender.

Charles Rangel: You got me!

Rachel Maddow: Final thoughts, John Boehner?

[ reveal Boehner speaking on the telephone ]

John Boehner: Excuse me, Rachel — it’s the American people. [ into the phone ] Stop taxes. What else? Stop spending? Well, what spending? Hello, hello? You’re breaking up. Hello? Ehhhh… lost them. [ he hangs up ]

Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi?

Nancy Pelosi: [ frantically feeling around her neck ] I-I’m sorry, Rachel. It seems my necklace has gone missing.

Rachel Maddow: John Boehner?

John Boehner: Don’t look at me.

Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel?

Charles Rangel: [ wearing the necklace ] What?

Rachel Maddow: Give that back!

Charles Rangel: No, thank you. Rachel, in closing, I just want to say I’m proud to live in a country where a man like Charlie Rangel can be a congressman, and a 12-year-old boy like yourself can have his own TV show.

Rachel Maddow: And that’s all the time we have — and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts