Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Goodnights
…..Jon Hamm
Jon Hamm: Thanks to Rihanna! The cast! You all! The best crew in television! Studio 8-H! Lorne! Thanks for coming! Happy Halloween!
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Highway Cops
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Highway Cops
Connor….Jason Sudeikis
Randy….Jon Hamm
Chief….Kenan Thompson
MacDougal….Taram Killam
Pooley….Paul Brittain
Announcer: The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.
[NBC peacock graphic from the 70’s]
Announcer: We now return to “Highway Cops”.
[“Highway Cops” logo]
[Police Station outside, cut to the chief’s office, two mustached motorcycle cops talk to the chief]
Connor: …and I pull up next to her on my bike, and I told her to pull over.
Chief: Well, did she?
Connor: No, no. She just kept going.
Randy: So, wow, she didn’t pull over?
Connor: No.
Chief: Connor, you always tell the best stories. [phone rings, picks it up] Hello! Uh-huh! What do we got? Where?! That serious?! Ok, we’re on it! Connor! Randy! There’s a bank robbery in progress on Elm and 14Th street!
Connor: Let’s go!
Randy: Oh, dammit! My bike’s in the shop!
Connor: You can ride with me.
Chief: Hey, get out of here, you guys! You’re wasting precious time! I need you there five minutes ago! Go! [Randy and Connor leave, Chief sits and pulls out a photo of his wife] Crystal baby, I miss you so much. Why did you have to die when your heart stopped? Damn, damn, damn.
[Connor drives the bike down the road, Randy in the back]
Connor: Hey! Do you remember the address?
Randy: What?! Oh, yes. It was—[bump] Whoa! Almost fell off there!
Connor: Hey, why don’t you hold on to my waist?
[Randy holds Connor by the waist]
Connor: Is that better?
Randy: Oh yeah. Much better.
Connor: [points] Hey look, the leaves are changing.
Randy: Where? [both laugh] This is fun as hell!
Connor: What?! I didn’t hear you?!
Randy: I said I’m having a great time!
Connor: Yeah, me too buddy! You know, we got the best job in the world!
[back to the police station]
Chief: MacDougal, Pooley, thanks for coming through for me.
MacDougal: You got it chief.
Pooley: Thank you for thanking us, chief. [leave]
Chief: Ok. Just be careful out there.
[Randy and Connor walk in]
Chief: Where have you been?! The bank called! They said you never showed up!
Connor: Oh man! The bank!
Randy: That’s what it was! Remember I told you we were forgetting something.
Connor: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Chief: You two are making the gray spot of my fro’ get bigger. You gotta focus. By the way, Randy, your bike’s out of the shop. [phone rings] Hello! Uh-huh! Where?! We’re on our way! There was a drug bust on Park and Wood! There’s a stand-off! They need back-up!
Connor: You got it, Chief!
Randy: We’re on it!
[both leave, the Chief talks with his wife’s picture]
Chief: Crystal baby, I want to get back into the dating pool. I met someone. She’s not you. She ranks lower than you in most areas. But higher than you on two very crucial areas. The butt and she’s alive.
[Connor and Randy on the bike]
Connor: Hey, what’s that smell?
Randy: What smell?
Connor: The smell in the air.
Randy: Crisp, right?
Connor: Yeah, and leaves. Hey, look! [points]
Randy: What is it?
Connor: It’s an old barn. I love this. Hey, lets see what this bad boy can do! [accelerates the bike, engine revs] Whew! Whooo! Whoo!
Randy: Oh, you’re wild!
Connor: I feel like yelling out loud!
Randy: Then do it, man!
Connor: I couldn’t.
Randy: Do it!
Connor: Yaaaaahoooo!!! Whooooo!!!
[back at the police station]
Chief: [on the phone] Yeah, so dinner on Thursday? Great. Well, I don’t want to say that yet. Well, whether I feel it or not, Crystal is still in the picture. I just want to go a little more slow. You know, I got to call you back. [hangs up] Where were you?!
[Connor eats an apple, Randy puts a bucket of apples on the Chief’s desk]
Randy: Picked some apples of an orchard for you.
Connor: Chief, have you been outside?
Chief: You guys didn’t back up the drug bust team! What happened?!
Randy: Chief, I’m gonna be dead honest with you. I’m drawing a complete blank on what you’re talking about.
Chief: The diameter of the gray spot on my fro’ just doubled. [phone rings] Yes, hello! Uh-huh! Ok, thank you. [hangs up] Well, I guess this is your lucky day. Part of the gang was just spotted at a gas station 3 miles from here on Highway 10. You think you can redeem yourselves?
Connor: Hey, you got it, chief!
Chief: And Randy? You know your bike is fixed, right?
Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Chief: Because they called and said it’s been fixed for a while now.
Randy: Thanks a lot, chief!
Connor: Come on! Let’s roll!
[Chief pulls out a photo of his wife and a photo of his girlfriend]
Chief: I’m sorry Crystal. But I got to do this for me. Crystal meet Veronica. [girlie voice] “I’m gonna take good care of your man” “Well, I’m not alive anymore so please, do that”.
[Connor and Randy riding the bike]
Connor: Hey, you see that river?[points]
[both laugh]
Randy: This is crazy. I have to bring my wife out here.
Connor: Me too. Me too.
Randy: Hey, you know what I want to do right now?
Connor: Yeah, I think so.
[cranes his neck back to Randy and kisses him full on the lips]
[both laugh]
Randy: Oh, that felt good as hell!
Connor: I love this! I can’t wait to tell my wife about our kiss!
Randy: Hey, what’s that? [points]
Connor: Why, it looks like an old mill!
Randy: Let’s check it out!
[Randy and Connor go down the highway in love]
[credits roll rapidly]
[“Highway Cops” logo]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now a message from the Vice-President of the United States, Joe Biden.
[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated at his desk ]
Joe Biden: Good evening, my fellow Americans! This coming Tuesday’s election is ESSENTIAL to the future of this country. And I’m gonna be honest with ya’: I think we’re gonna get our asses handed to us! It’s gonna be a good old-fashioned bloodbath! But Joe Biden doesn’t give up. So while the president is out trying to rally voters, I want to address you directly — because when things can’t get any worse, it’s Biden time! [ he chuckles ]
Now, Americans, I know you’re upset and I know you’re dissatisfied. But I want to ask ya’ — I want to ask ya’ a question: Is it really THAT bad? Because when I hear you complaining about the state of this nation, do you know who I think of? Those brave Chilean miners. Now, those sorry bastards were trapped underground for 69 days. And did they complain? No! No! Do you know what they did, every day? They sang their national anthem. They SANG their national anthem! So, before you start bellyaching about the direction our country is going in, I’d like you to answer the Joe Biden checklist:
One: Are you above ground?
[ after an extended pause, he smiles ]
And that’s it! [ he laughs ] That’s all I got! Hey, look — if the answer is yes, maybe cool it with the whining, okay? You’re mad about the economy? Well, for 69 days, those 33 miners had to do their business in the corner of a mine — no door — with all of their buddies watching!
Now you may be saying, “Well, it was pretty dark.” But, hey, they knew! Ho, ho, ho, they knew! [ he whistles ] Yeah, and STILL, when they came out of that hole, they were all smiles and they gave their president a big ol’ hug! They didn’t come up to him, jab a finger in his chest and ask him why there wasn’t a tougher mining regulation, you know? They just high-fived him and went on their way. But OUR guy tries to give you health care, and he’s a socialist! Now, I’m not gonna lie — it gets me riled up.
Now the president, he’s not gonna get mad about this, okay? That’s not his style. The guy’s a robot! True story, true story: I’ve never seen him sleep. No! I always try to stay up late enough to watch him doze off, but, you know, I’m out by 9:30. That’s just me. It was the same thing with me on Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I was SURE that my dad was Santa, but, to this day… can’t prove it!
What I can prove is that 33 Chileans were in a hole and, instead of starting a Tea Party, they wrapped themselves up in their flags like their country just won the World Cup! Jumping around, having a good time, enjoying life. Now, sure, part of that you can write off because of the whole Latin thing. Right. But why should they be that much happier than us? They were UNDERGROUND! I can’t even IMAGINE! True story: I was once stuck in an elevator with two other guys for only fifteen minutes, and BOTH of those guys said it was the WORST experience of their lives! [ he chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah!
So when you go to the polls on Tuesday — or not. You know, it won’t matter. Like I said, bloodbath. I want you to remember the Joe Biden motto: “Don’t be whiners, think about the miners!” And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD II
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD II
Director’s Voice…..Paul Brittain
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Prince…..Fred Armisen
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson
Gilbert Gottfried…..Taran Killam
Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott
Pee Wee Herman…..Taran Killam
[ open with clips from “Back to the Future” ]
Announcer:The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD.
[ cut to vintage screen test clip ]
Director’s Voice: Nicolas Cage. Take One. “1.21 gigawatts? How am I gonna generate that kind of power?”
Nicolas Cage: “What… in the HELL!.. is a GIGAWATT?! TELL MEEE!! TELL ME, YOU BASTAAAAARD!!”
Director’s Voice: Alright, cut! Uhhh — yeah, yeah… Nick? I’m sorry, but… you’re coming off a little crazy.
Nicolas Cage: Yeah. Oh, you think I’m crazy NOW?!! Check back with me in TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!! HA HAAAAA!!!
[ cut to next audition ]
Alan Alda: This is so nice, you guys, letting me come in. You got your lights here, your flag there…
Director’s Voice: Alan Alda as Biff!
Alan Alda: This guy’s great! Uh, wait a second. Let me get this straight. This Marty McFly covered my convertible in horse manure, so now I have to beat him up and beat his dad up? Uh… how does that happen..?
Director’s Voice: Actually, uh, they’re the same age.
Alan Alda: They’re the same — the dad and the son are the same age. Wow! Well, this is, uh, this is a real WILD movie you guys are making here, uh… godspeed! I want in! Who do I fuck?
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Prince. Take One. [ Prince stands in the background ] Okay, Prince… you wanna come up up here?
[ Prince shakes his head and slinks off of the set ]
Director’s Voice: Bill Cosby. Take One. “Listen, Doc. About the future –“
Bill Cosby: “NOOO!! MAR-TY! We already agreed that having information about the future could have disastrous consequences about the past! And the flux capacitor! [ speaking in gibberish ] And… cap-ba-luxitator! With the flixxin’ and the flaxxin’! And you end up with subberb on your face! Whaaaaaa..?”
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Gilbert Gottfried, as Biff.
Gilbert Gottfried: [ squinty-eyed and screaming ] “WHAT..?!! ARE YOU LOOKING AT..! BUTT..! HEAD!” [ he grins ]
Director’s Voice: Joan Cusack. Take One.
Robin Williams: [ manic ad-libbing ] “Hey, you-ou-ou! Get your meat hooks off me! You-ou-ou! You-ou-ou! Biff, you-ou-ou!
Director’s Voice: No.
[ cut to next audition ]
Alan Alda: “Hey, uh — hey, what are you looking at, Butt-head? Hey, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here!” [ he smiles ] You know, th-th-that is a GREAT line! I mean, that is SO great! This stuff you guys are doing, with the 50’s and everything! You know, I-I-I had jackets like this! I-I-I’m the old guy!
Director’s Voice: Pee Wee Herman, as Marty McFly. “This Saturday, we’re sending you back to the future.”
Pee Wee Herman: “Future?! That’s the magic word!” Huh huh huh huh!
Director’s Voice: Okay, don’t forget you’re supposed to be a normal, modern teenager.
Pee Wee Herman: “I know you are, but what am I?!”
Director’s Voice: That is what you are.
Pee Wee Herman: “I know you are, but what am I?!”
Director’s Voice: Okay! Just… forget it.
Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, huh!
[ cut back to film footage ]
Announcer: The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD. Own it today![ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD
Director’s Voice…..Paul Brittain
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Tilly…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Kinison…..Bobby Moynihan
Robin Williams…..Jon Hamm
[ open with clips from “Back to the Future” ]
Announcer: 25 years ago, Robert Zemeckis took us on a journey… back in time. And now, you can take that journey again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Back to the Future”. Including never-before-seen screen tests:
[ cut to vintage screen test clip ]
Director’s Voice: Al Pacino, as Doc Brown!
Al Pacino: Alright… alright… alright. I’m Doc Brown! “MARTY! If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour! You’re gonna see some serious shi–“
Director’s Voice: Okay, cut!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Eddie Murphy. Screen test.
Eddie Murphy: “Doc, Doc! Listen to me! The bruise on your head — I KNOW what happened! You told me the whole story! You were standing on your toilet… you were hanging the clock… you FELL!.. and you hit your head on the SINK! And THAT’S when you came up with the idea of the FLUX capacitor!” [ a beat ] Hey, man, what the hell’s this movie about?!
Director’s Voice: It’s about time travel, Eddie.
Eddie Murphy: TIME travel?! [ he chuckles and claps his hands ] Oh, my God, that is HILARIOUS! That’s CRAZY, man! That’s FUNNY! That means you can go in the FUTURE, and do some stuff your ass ain’t even done yet! Like, hey — I ain’t slippin’ yet, but I WILL! YEAH!! [ he chuckles ] That is funny!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Jennifer Tilly. Take One. “Why do you keep calling me Calvin?”
Jennifer Tilly: [ nasally ] “Well, that’s your name, isn’t it? “Calvin Klein”? It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.”
Director’s Voice: Okay. Maybe you could play it a little more natural?
Jennifer Tilly: Sure. [ no change ] “Calvin Klein. It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.” Hey. That was great.
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Sam Kinison. Take One.
Sam Kinison: [ subdued ] “Wait, Doc… Are you telling me… that you built a time machine… out of a [ screaming ] DE-LOR-E-ANNN??!! YOU IDIOT!!!” [ starts screaming wildly ]
Director’s Voice: Wait! Sam!
Sam Kinison: AAGGGHHH!!! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!
[ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Robin Williams. Take One.
Robin Williams: [ manic ad-libbing ] “Marty! It’s getting heavy in here. Ooh! This! Oo-oo-ooh! 1.21 gigawatts! Yo! Marty! Idiot! We gotta get the hell outta here! Noooo, Marty! We gotta HARNESS the lightning! Who-oo-oo-oo! Praise Jesus!” [ holds up his hand a la Senor Wences ] “Ooh! The space-time continuum, si!”
Director’s Voice: Cut!
Robin Williams: Did I get it? [ he wraps his arms around his legs and thrusts his pelvis ] Mr. Happy thinks so![ cut to next audition ]
Director’s Voice: Al Pacino.
Al Pacino: Alright… alright. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! GREAT, Scott!”
Director’s Voice: No, no… It’s an expression. Like, “Great Scott!”
Al Pacino: Right, right, right. Okay. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! You’re doing a great JOB, Scott! Hey, everyone! Three cheers for SCOTT!”
Director’s Voice: Okay, you can go.
Al Pacino: Alright.
[ cut back to film footage ]
Announcer: The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD. Own it today!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Audition
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Audition
Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Secretary…..Abby Elliott
Lizette Barnes…..Kristen Wiig
Sandall Barnes…..Jon Hamm
[ open on sign: “CASTING TODAY” ]
[ dissolve to audition room ]
Secretary: Next, for the part of Nicole, we have Lizette Barnes.
[ the Secretary exits, as Lizette enters ]
Lizette Barnes: Hello!
Director: Ah, hello!
Lizette Barnes: Hello! [ she chuckles ]
Director: I think we’ve had you in here before?
Lizette Barnes: I’m with Classy Faces Talent Agency! [ she giggles ] You’ve heard of them?
Director: Nope. Can’t say that I have.
Lizette Barnes: Well, um, here’s my head picture! [ she hands him an 8×10 glossy ] It’s of me dressed as a sailor looking into a crystal ball, pretending to be surprised.
Director: [ studying the photo ] That’s exactly what it is! Yeah! [ he holds it up to her and laughs ] Great!
Lizette Barnes: Okay, listen! Uh, before we start, um — I have read the play. Uh, it’s very racy. And, so there are no surprises later, I just want to tell you what I am comfortable doing, and not doing, and you are just gonna have to deal with it.
Director: Okay…
Lizette Barnes: [ she laughs ] I… an willing to show my legs. My arms. My face. My stomach. My full back. [ thinking ] My toes. The top part of my head. My… naked breasts. Uh… my butt crack! My belly button. My… full vagina. Uh — let’s see… I will show my nipples. My… spread-apart butt. Um — my pushed-together boobs.
Director: Okay, Lizette? You’re not gonna have to —
Lizette Barnes: Okay! These are things… that I will do: I will sing. [ she laughs ] I will swear. I will show my bush. Uh — I will tap. I will jiggle. Um — I will cry. I will push my boobs together. Um — I will lift up my skirt, turn away from the audience, bend over and pass gas — WITH sound!
Director: Lizette! Lizette! I-I-I think you might have read a different script —
Lizette Barnes: THESE are the following things that are OUT of the question: I… refuse to wear a costume. Um. That’s it.
Director: Okay, well, that could be a problem.
Lizette Barnes: Well, then these are some things I… MIGHT… be talked into: I might punch myself in the face. Um — I might touch a ding-dong — Never say never! [ she laughs ] I might tinkle in a fake sink. Um — I might… eat a very small bowl of bird waste — IF it is relevent to the story, otherwise, you know — I mean, come on!
Director: Lizette, can I give you a little bit of feedback?
Lizette Barnes: Mmm-hmm.
Director: Uh — you’re not getting this part.
Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] NOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOOO!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE!!!
[ suddenly, a man rushes into the room ]
Sandell Barnes: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m her husband! I just have to know how this is going!
Lizette Barnes: He just told me I… I didn’t get the part!
Sandell Barnes: Well, you are making a HUGE mistake, sir!
Lizette Barnes: Sandy, please…
Sandell Barnes: NO!! I want to do this! [ soft piano music plays ] This woman isn’t just my wife! She is an ACTRESS! She is a MASTERESS of her craft! Are you INSANE in the MEMBRANE?! INSANE… in the BRAIN?!!
Director: [ waving his arms ] You guys gotta go, alright?
Sandell Barnes: FIRST, let me ASK you, sir! Have you seen this woman’s Stanley Steemer commercial?
Lizette Barnes: Sandy, don’t…
Sandell Barnes: LET me RE-MIND you: Two women are having a conversation on a couch. A child runs in and asks Mommy to look at the family dog’s new trick! Well, UNFORTUNATELY! The new trick is him dragging his dirty rear along the carpet! And SHE has to get SO MAD — Do it, honey!
Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] TO-BYYYYYYY!!!!
Director: [ impressed ] Wow… that’s you!
Sandell Barnes: Yes! It’s HER!! And I’m sorry if she has STANDARDS, unlike every other LOOSE actress that comes in here!!
Director: No, no, no, no, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Sandell Barnes: So… now that you know who she really is… does she have the part?
Director: [ without hesitation ] No!
Sandell Barnes: What if she were to put a jelly bean in a chair, sit down and, when she stands back up, the jelly bean is gone?
Director: Get out!
Lizette Barnes: What if it’s a plum?
Director: GOODBYE!!
Lizette Barnes: Good day, sir! I mean, JERK!!
Sandell Barnes: I hope you’re happy!
[ they exit the room ]
[ Secretary re-enters ]
Director: Who’s next?
Secretary: Uh — Sandall Barnes.
Director: Great.
[ Sandall re-enters the room, now dressed in a cape ]
Sandell Barnes: Hello! I’m… Sandall Barnes. I am with the… Top Hat Warehouse Agency. Uh — I will show the backs of my legs. Uh — my pushed-together butt. Uh — the front of my weiner. Uh — I will wear diapers! Uh — I will not work with chldren, although I will DANCE with them! Uh — I may juggle!
[ as Sandall talks, the Director rises from his chair, opens the window, then jumps out onto the ground floor and casually walks away ]
Sandell Barnes: Uh — I will show my wife’s vagina. Uh — I may —
[ return to “CASTING TODAY” sign ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse
Voice of Dog…..David Spade
[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ]
[ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ]
[ a purse drops onto the screen, and a chihuahua pops his head out ]
Dog: That’s right, everybody. It’s me again — Dog in Purse.
[ title: “Dog in Purse” — with David Spade ]
[ dissolve to nightclub scene — lower portion of starlet seen carrying her dog in her purse ]
Dog: Ahhhhh — buh buh buh baaaah. Here we are at a nightclub again. Hmm, shocker of the century. [ he turns his head ] Ah, look over there — Willow Smith with a bottle of petron. That’s great. Happy 9th Birthday!
I’ve got a moron owner — drinking a glass of loudmouthed soup, yukking it up. Meanwhile I’m stuck in her purse, trying to get comfortable on a dirty hairbrush, soem Yaz pills, and Charlie Sheen’s wallet. This lady who owns me, she doesn’t even know I’m a male dog. I’m clearly a dude, yet she’s got me wearing a feather boa and a tiara on my head like I’m Zsa Zsa Gabor. [ he looks up ] Hey, lady! You know how you can tell you’re a little off-track? Flip me over! Check out the… “undercarriage”. Alright? There’s a light switch, honey — it goes on and off. Like the one that should go off in your head and say, “Hey — this dog’s a dude and has been for the last three years.”
Ohhh, okay! Here we go! There’s Jessica Alba, wearing a minidress, no less. Nice! She’s so hot, she’d better spray her shins down with Pam — STAT! — because I’m about to do the Humpty-Hump! Maybe with this tiara I’m wearing, and feather boa, she’ll get drunk and think I’m Lenny Kravitz and go for it! [ to the crowd ] Alright, gang, let’s weap it up! We’re all heading back to Brody Jenner’s house. I heard he got a new Solo Flex.
[ credits ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 30th, 2010
Jon Hamm
Rihanna
None
None
None A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) compares the plight of the Chilean miners to the problems facing President Obama.
Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.
Transcript
Montage
Jon Hamm’s Monologue
Summary: Jon Hamm proves his worth as an actor portraying n advertising executive on television by creating on-the-fly slogans for random objects chosen by audience members.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Rihanna and Shy Ronnie (Andy Samberg) rob a bank as “Ronnie & Clyde”.
Recurring Characters: Shy Ronnie.
Vincent Price’s Halloween Special
Summary: Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) 1960 Halloween special is ruined by Judy Garland’s (Kristen Wiig) drug dependency and sexual innuendos courtesy of Sen. John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Judy Garland, John F. Kennedy, Liberace.
Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.
Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Tilly, Robin Williams.
Transcript
AuditionSummary: While auditioning for a role, Lizette Barnes (Kristen Wiig) lays down her list of ridiculous standards to the production’s director (Jason Sudeikis).
Transcript
Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features more audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.
Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Bill Cosby, Gilbert Gottfried, Prince, Pee Wee Herman, Alan Alda, Joan Cusack.
Transcript
Rihanna performs “What’s My Name?”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) gives his crazed thoughts on the upcoming mid-term elections. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are, as usual, unprepared to promote their new Halloween CD.
Recurring Characters: James Carville, Garth & Kat.
I Didn’t Ask For This
Summary: Roger Sims (Bobby Moynihan) interviews others like himself who have gained unintentional fame thanks to embarrassing online clips of themselves.
Transcript
Highway CopsSummary: Highway cops Cutter (Jason Sudeikis) and Randy (Jon Hamm) share one motorcycle and miss their assignments while frolicking in the outdoors.
Transcript
Darleek and Barney
Summary: Lounge act Darleek (Kristen Wiig) and Barney (Jon Hamm) have pretend fights and make bad jokes to one’s amusement.
Rihanna performs “Only Girl (In The World)”
Greetings from American America: Dog in PurseSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) in a celebrity’s purse muses about his lot in life.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The Essentials with Robert Osborne
Summary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).
Note: This sketch will air during next month’s episode hosted by Anne Hathaway.
Jon Hamm’s CB Hamm RadiosSummary: Jon Hamm promotes the archaic mobile communications devise that almost shares his last name.
CBS PromoSummary: Coming attractions for a week filled with hospital gurneys on CBS’ prime-time dramas.
YelpSummary: Diners (Andy Samberg, Vanessa Baye, Jon Hamm) use cellphone technology to find something to eat that’s already right in front of them.
Greetings from American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a hippie (Danan Carvey) talks further about the good old days.
Trick or Treat IISummary: A registered sex offender (Will Forte) makes a clumsy re-introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbor’s (Jon Hamm) house.
SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 10/23/10: WXPD Channel 9 News
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 4
10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon
WXPD Channel 9 News
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Peter DeSantos…..Bill Hader
Teenager…..Emma Stone
Panicked Mother…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on news graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD Channel 9 News.
[ dissolve to Wanda Ramirez seated in the news studio ]
Wanda Ramirez: Good evening. I’m Wanda Ramirez, and we begin tonight’s progrm as we do always do — with a story designed to frighten parents.
[ graphic reads: “Dangerous Teenage Fad” ]
Wanda Ramirez: We told you about “sexting”, “huffing”, and “robotripping”, and now there’s yet another dangerous teenage fad. Our own Peter DeSantos has the story.
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “souping” — teenagers are drinking expired soup cans to get high! Every teenager is doing it, and it WILL kill them!
[ stock footage of teenagers, soup cans, etc. ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: Parents are powerless to protect their teens because, shockingly, soup is legal. We interviewed this teen to get the scoop… on soup!
[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]
Peter DeSantos: Are you… “souping”?
Teenager: Am I what?
Peter DeSantos: Teenagers are drinking expired soup… to get HIGH!
Teenager: But that wouldn’t get you high. There’s NO way teenagers are doing that.
[ show stock footage ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: But they are! They’re getting whacked out on old soup! And they’re gonna end up… m’mm m’mm, DEAD! Just ask this panicked mother, who we woke up in the middle of the night.
[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]
Panicked Mother: My God! They’re “souping”?! PHIL!! Flush all the Progresso, they’re gonna SOUP it!!
Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: A VERY informative report about a VERY real thing. For more information about “souping”, go to our web site… and no others. Next up: a story that EVERYONE’S talking about. No, not the midterm elections. But another TERRIFYING teenage trend. Peter DeSantos has the story.
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “trampolining”! A teen boy sits on the roof of a one-story house, receiving oral sex from a girl jumping up and down on a large backyard trampoline!
[ stock footage of teenagers, trampolines, etc. ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: Sources say that if a girl “trampolines” ten boys, she receives a bracelet… and that’s what silly bands are.
[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]
Teenager: I’ve NEVER done this. What did you say this was called?
Peter DeSantos: They call it… “trampolining”!
Teenager: I don’t think that’s even physically possible.
Peter DeSantos: But it IS. In fact, WXPD were able to obtain this horrifying photograph.
[ reveal stick drawings of a girl and a boy and a trampoline and a roof ]
[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]
Panicked Mother: My God!! That’s a photograph of my DAUGHTER, and she’s TRAMPOLINING!!
Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: Thank you, Peter. Before we move on, I’m getting word we have a BREAKING story. We go now to Breaking News correspondent Peter DeSantos!
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school woth the teenager ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “Skyping”. Two teens jumping out of airplane, attached by their genitals!
Teenager: Oh, man… that is WAY off! Can I please go back to class?
Peter DeSantos: To do “souping”?
Teenager: Wow… wow.
[ the Panicked Mother enters frame ]
Panicked Mother: Young lady! I KNOW what you’ve been doing on that trampoline!
Teenager: Oh. Good. Now I get to deal with this. [ sarcastically ] THANKS, News!
Peter DeSantos: You’re welcome! I’m Peter DeSantos… Jr.!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: Next up: Are teens taking turns hiding Osama bin Laden… so they can give him oral sex in exchange for lip gloss? The answer… right now. YES! Yes, they are!
[ cut to news graphics ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 10/23/10: Wrangler Open Fly Jeans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 4
10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon
Wrangler Open Fly Jeans
Brett Favre…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Brett Favre staring at the camera ]
Announcer: Brett Favre: football legend.
Brett Favre: I’ve tried all kinds of jeans: button fly, zipper fly — you name it. But, for me, nothing works better than the all new open fly jeans from Wrangler.
[ intercut shots of Favre with a pixelated crotch playing football with a group of guys ]
Announcer: Introducing the first open fly jeans from Wrangler. The first jeans with no fly whatsoever.
Brett Favre: Wrangler open fly jeans feature an ultra-relaxed fit, right where you need it most — the fly. Why let zippers and buttons slow you down? With open fly jeans, it’s always out and camera-ready.
[ Favre takes a cellphone picture fo his exposed crotch and sgows the results to a disgusted teammate ]
[ cut to Favre leaning out of a truck with his pixelated crotch exposed ]
Brett Favre: I’m ready for my close-up.
[ reveal a row of jeans hanging from a rack ]
Brett Favre: They’re the perfect marriage of comfort and style. And that’s a marriage I can respect.
[ cut to Favre leaning behind a teammate for a play; the teammate jumps forward when he feels Favre’s exposed crotch at his backside ]
Brett Favre: Look, I put my pants on just like anyone else — one leg at a time. Then, I pull my penis out. Sometimes I take a picture of it.
[ reveal the row of jeans hanging from a rack ]
Announcer: Real. Open fly. Jeans. Wrangler.
[ cut to Favre standing with his teammates ]
Brett Favre: Take it from me, Brett Favre. I give ’em a thumbs up.
[ Favre shoves his fist through his open fly and gives a slightly pixelated thumbs-up ]
[ the other guys jump to their feet and make a hasty exit ]
[ fade ]