Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

University of Westfield

Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Woman #2…..Jenny slate

[ open on man #1 in office setting ]

Man #1: In a tough job market like this one, you need EVERY advantage you can get.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: That’s why I enrolled in the University of Westfield — online!

[ cut to Man #2 sitting in a bar ]

Man #2: [ whispering ] I earned my degree sitting at home in my pajamas!

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: The University of Westfield Online gave me the SKILLS I need to getthe JOB I want! Skills like: Not mentioning in a job interview that I went to an Internet college.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: The University of WestfielcOnline taught me that going to an Internet college is not a thing that would make people want to hire me.

[ show footage of Man #2 on a job interview, as he narrates ]

Man #2: At the University of Westfield Online, you’ll learn valuable techniques on how to respond when someone asks you where you went to school. Techniques like: Changing the Subject… [ he points to a potted planted during the interview ] Pretending Your Phone is Vibrating and You Need to Take a Call… [ he fumbles with his cell phone ] Mumbling… [ he speaks with his hand in front of his mouth ] and Faking a Heart Attack. [ he clutches his chest and falls back in his chair ]

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: They taught me the names of other colleges that I could say that I went to. Great, believable names — like Rutgers, or U.C. Santa Cruz.

[ cut to Man #2 in a meeting ]

Man #2: They also taught me that you could just say the name of a place, like Michigan. People will draw their own conclusions.

[ cut to Man #1 at his desk ]

Man #1: Just DON’T mention that you went to the University of Westfield.

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: And in just four months, when it’s time to graduate, University of Westfield Online will e-mail you a PDF of a diploma… [ show close-up of diploma ] with an intentionally unreadable name of a school. [ sarcastically ] Does that say Yale? It could! So, enroll today. And you could be saying:

Woman #1: Thanks, Cornell!

Man #2: Thanks… Sarah Lawrence!

Woman #2: Thanks, University of Mansin-ken-pin-finley…

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: University of Westfield Online. Just don’t tell anyone.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

La Revista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
….Drew Barrymore
Show’s director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte
Vinny’s Son….Bobby Moynihan

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]

Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver La Rivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!

[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having a great time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowing with smoking cigarettes.]

Vinny Vedecci: Bisiando, bisiando, bisiando! On doro Vinny Vedecci, o serebando, la noche del mundo. Eh, caseando eto italiano “50 First Dates”, “Music and Lyrics”, “Driving in the car with the boys” Prego andeago, Drew Barrymore! Drew Barrymore! [Actress/director Drew Barrymore walks in, sits down] Buona sera, Drew Barrymore!. No sera cara faciole, tu sero cara cinema americano—

Drew Barrymore: One second. I don’t mean to interrupt you but I don’t speak Italian. I’m sorry.

Vinny Vedecci: [angry Vinny turns to his director who is smoking and eating pasta, his assistant eats his pasta too like nothing is happening] Carabando! Sarabando! Carevireati!

Show’s director: Ah que diche dera bouca hecha dia! Vincenzo, tropo per favore! Eh?!

Vinny Vedecci:[to Drew] Sorry.

Drew Barrymore: No, I mean, I’m the one who’s embarrassed. I’m sure this has never happened before.

[Vinny looks at the camera for a second, the director and assistant also look]

Vinny Vedecci: Yes. First time. So, when you were seven years old you starred in the classic movie, Et?

Drew Barrymore: What? What movie?

Vinny Vedecci: Et? Et, phone home?

Drew Barrymore: Oh, ok. Actually it’s “E.T”.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it’s “E.T.”?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

[More angry arguing in Italian with the show’s director]

Show’s director: Scusi’, Et, “E.T”, Et, “E.T.” Dichi cinema!

Vinny Vedecci: Eh! Detovito! Et? Duh?! So, you been in showbiz a long time, eh?

Drew Barrymore: My whole life.

Vinny Vedecci: And after “E.T” you do drinking and drugs!

Drew Barrymore: Yes, I did. And I did other things too, and it was a rough time when I was younger—

Vinny Vedecci: My son also likes to drink. Where is my bambino? Bambino!

[Vinny’s son comes out with his sailor suit on drinking wine straight from the bottle]

Vinny’s son: Oh, papa! Papa! [kisses Vinny on the head, drinks]

Drew Barrymore: You know what? I have to say, I’m a little worried. Your son might be too young to drink.

[Vinny’s son gets angry at Drew]

Vinny’s son
Vinny Vedecci: Oh! [blows kisses to his son] My little boy. Speaking of your breasts….you showed them once to David Letterman. Yes?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

Vinny Vedecci: On a talk show…..with a desk?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

[Vinny clears the table]

Vinny Vedecci:[sleaze oozing] This is a talk show, this is a desk.

Drew Barrymore: Maybe later.

Vinny Vedecci: Eeeeeh. I hear David Letterman apologized because he had affairs with some staff members. So, I want to make apology to the women on my staff who I slept with over the years. In the interest of time, I apologize to this women.

[87 Italian women’s names run up the screen fast]

Drew Barrymore: Wow. You had sex with all those women?

Vinny Vedecci: Si.

Drew Barrymore: And you’re married?

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. I want to especially apologize to my dear wife and mother of my child. [Vinny shows a wedding photo with his fat Italian wife, Vinny looks miserable on the photo] Here she is. [Vinny looks disgusted by the photo and puts it away] So, eh, eh, what do you want to talk about?

Drew Barrymore: Well, I just directed a movie.

Vinny Vedecci: You directed a movie?

Drew Barrymore: I did. It was so empowering as a woman and it meant a lot to me to make a family-themed movie about strong women.

Vinny Vedecci: We have a great female director in Italy. Very respected. Georgina Desperote!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I didn’t know her work.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, we have a picture of her. A picture.[close-up on big breasts] Yeah, she’s very good. Very good. What is your movie called?

Drew Barrymore: It’s called “Whip It”.

Vinny Vedecci: “Whip it”?!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, you know it?!

Vinny Vedecci: Know it? I love it!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, it’s so great when you get to talk to somebody who understands the type of film that you went on to make. I mean, it’s so gratifying—-

[Vinny starts singing Devo’s hit “Whip it”]

Vinny Vedecci: Dadadadada, crack that whip! Dadadadada, give the past a slip! Heh, heh, heh.

Drew Barrymore: Um, ok. I think there has been another in a series of miscommunications. Um, I—

Vinny Vedecci:[continues singing] When a problem comes along—

Show’s director: You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: Before the cream sits out too long—

Show’s director: You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: When something is going wrong, take it Drew!

[Vinny and the director wait for Drew’s line anxiously]

Drew Barrymore: [gives up] You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: Hey! Everybody whip it! That’s the show! Good night!

[Vinny’s son comes out]

[Show’s logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

An SNL Digital Short

Brenda…..Drew Barrymore
Shaun…..Fred Armisen
Graduate Student…..Jenny Slate
Graduate’s Father…..Jim Downey
Girlfriend…..Nasim Pedrad
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Patient…..Abby Elliott
Injured Cyclist…..Bobby Moynihan
Grown Son…..Kenan Thompson

FADE IN

INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO

LOW GRADE VHS SCREEN RESOLUTION

A married couple, BRENDA & SHAUN, dressed in identical creme white wardrobes with matching haircuts and magenta silk ties knotted around their necks, stand side-by-side.

Brenda: Hi. We’re Brenda & Shaun.

Shaun: Are you looking for entertainment for your party? Let us bring entertainment to YOU!

1980’s SYNTHESZIER POP MUSIC BEGINS.

STAR WIPE

Both start performing mime using orange glowing thumb-shaped orbs.

SQUARE WIPE

Both continue to do various amateur miming movements using the orbs.

DIAMOND WIPE

EXT. NEW YORK BROWNSTONE – BACKYARD – DAY

SUPER: BIRTHDAY PARTY

Shaun (V/O): Hire us for your birthday party.

Brenda & Shaun entertain young children using the orbs.

EXT. NYU – DAY

SUPER: GRADUATION

Brenda (V/O): Graduation.

A GRADUATE STUDENT, in a blue cap & gown w/her FATHER and MOTHER, hold champagne glasses while posing for a photographer. Brenda & Shaun interrupt the photo session to perform their orb tricks.

INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT

SUPER: ENGAGEMENTS

Shaun (V/O): Engagements.

A BOYFRIEND is down on one knee, holding a black box containing an engagement ring before his GIRLFREIND, who is seated on a queen bed covered in rose petals. She clasps her hands to her lips; on the verge of tears. Brenda & Shaun stroll into the suite, performing the orb routine. The engaged couple smiles at first, then show a slight grimace on their faces.

X-SHAPED WIPE

INT. OPTOMETRIST OFFICE – DAY

SUPER: EYE EXAMS

Brenda (V/O): Eye exams.

A PATIENT holds a tong over her left eye, reading an eye chart while her OPTOMETRIST uses a pointer to direct her. Brenda & Shaun sneak in and perform the orb routine. The patient struggles to read the chart. Her optometrist glances down to the floor.

CIRCLE WIPE

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT

SUPER: MEDICAL EMERGENCIES

Shaun (V/O): Medical emergencies.

Brenda & Shaun tip-toe around a fire engine to an INJURED CYCLIST while doing their tricks. The cyclist bleeds from his forehead. Brenda & Shaun play the orbs around the cyclist’s head, who tries to brush them away.

INT. NURSING HOME

MELODRAMATIC MUSIC

SUPER: MEETING YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER

Brenda (V/O): Meeting your biological father.

An ELDERLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN and his GROWN SON share a heartwarming moment. Brenda & Shaun saunter in hamming it up via the orbs. The son clenches his jaw. The father appears confused.

SQUARE WIPE

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

1980’S SYNTHESIZER POP MUSIC

SUPER: BANKRUPTCIES

Shaun (V/O): Bankruptcies.

Brenda dances with the orbs in the background. Shaun calculates accounting records and sighs over his conclusions. His left thumb glows from the orb.

INT. APARTMENT – SAME NIGHT

SUPER: EVICTIONS

Brenda (V/O): Evictions.

Brenda and Shaun tip-toe through the hallway, holding a number of cardboard boxes as they pass numerous eviction notices on a message board. A police officer and the building’s superintendent stand somber as the couple departs.

EXT. NYC – ALLEYWAY- NIGHT

SUPER: FAMILY MEALS

Shaun (V/O): Family meals.

Seated on a blanket-covered pavement, Brenda & Shaun consume a dead crow-on-a-stick at the same time. They give each other a “thumbs up” with the orbs.

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT

SUPER: MAKING NEW FRIENDS

Brenda (V/O): Making new friends.

Disoriented and unbathed, Brenda & Shaun do the orb routine as an oncoming couple approaches. The oncoming couple walks around them. A police officer arrives on scene, turns them towards a brick wall, and frisks them.

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – MOMENTS LATER

SUPER: ROAD TRIPS

Shaun (V/O): Road trips.

The police officer places Brenda & Shaun in the back of his patrol car. The couple does their act in a desperate fashion as the patrol car drives away.

X-WIPE

INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO

Brenda & Shaun stand side-by-side.

Brenda: We’re Brenda & Shaun.

Shaun: And we are available.

Together: Let us light up your life!!

Both pull the orbs out of their mouth and hold their arms in the air.

X-WIPE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

An Address by the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Alice…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the president of the United States.

[ dissolve to exterior, Rose Garden, Obama standing behind podium ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are probably aware, yesterday the news came that I had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. This came without warning. I didn’t even get a call, as, due to the time difference in Norway, the Nobel people didn’t want to wake me up. I wish they had. Like I said to Hillary Clinton, “Hey, remember that 3:00 AM call you were so worried about? It happened. Nobel Peace Prize!”

Now, this prize bestowed by the Nobel Committee in Norway is given annually to individuals who have made significant contributions to world peace. Jimmy Carter won it for decades of trying to find solutions for international conflicts. Al Gore won it for his years of educating the U.S. about climate change. And us? Well… I won it for not being George Bush. To be perfectly honest, this award was a complete surprise as I have only not been George W. Bush for nine months. But I am deeply honored nonetheless.

And that’s not all that I have to be grateful for. Just moments ago, I was informed, and I almost hesitate to say this, that I won the $70 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery. I know, it’s crazy! The funny thing is, it’s the first Powerball ticket I have ever bought. It’s true! I was driving Sasha and Malia home from school, and we stopped at a 7-11 for sodas. We all chose two numbers and there you have it — $70 million.

Alice, can we bring in that check?

[ Alice, a staffer, enters holding an oversized lottery check ]

President Barack Obama: Look at that! Alice here plays the Powerball every week, so I thought she’d like to hold the check.

[ Alice scowls, then exits ]

President Barack Obama: Of course, I won’t be keeping the money. As with my Nobel Prize money, I will be donating it to charity. But, first, I have an important decision to make: Do I take the money as a one-time lump sum payout, or as an annuity over the next thirty years? It’s a tough decision, so I intend to do what I always do and meet with my financial team: Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke, Larry Summers. Then whatever they advise, I will do, because those guys do NOT make mistakes. [ quickly ] And I’m sure Michelle will have some ideas, too.

Thank you very much, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Actor…..Bobby Moynihan
Ethel Barrymore…..Kristen Wiig
John Barrymore…..Bill Hader
Gertrude Barrymore…..Abby Elliott
Cecil Barrymore…..Andy Samberg
Darius Barrymore…..Kenan Thompson
Girl #1…..Jenny Slate
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Wow! Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I first got the opportunity to host the show in 1982, when I was seven years old. [ a quick still shot of that episode’s Goodnights ] Yeah! And, tonight, which is my sixth show, which means I’ve hosted more than any other woman in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. [ the audience cheers ] Pretty wild, huh? WOW!!

I am always THRILLED to be on a stage, too. [ entering Valley-talk mode ] It’s, like, in my DNA! You see, I am so honored to come from a family of great stage actors who performed on Broadway just blocks from here. It was such a magical feeling. We actually have some super-rare footage of my Great Aunt Ethel Barrymore performing at the Lyson Theater in Henry Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.

[ cut to rare clip ]

Actor: How unreasonable and how ungrateful you are, Nora! Have you not been happy here?

Ethel Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] You see, Torvald… at first, I thought I was happy… but it has never been so-oh! That is what our marriage has been, Torvald. [ she bows ]

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She was so spesh-ull! My grandfather, John Barrymore, appeared on Broadway in the role of Hamlet. Oh! And we have some film of that, too! It RAWKS!

[ cut to rare clip ]

John Barrymore: [ feyly ] To sleep… perchance to dream… ay, there is the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come. I mean, right, you guys? This ROCKS!![ return to Drew at Home Base, laughing ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! I am seriously inspired by their performances! There were also some less famous Barrymores, who were equally as talented. I have another clip from a film, starring my British cousins Gertrude and Cecil Barrymore. It’s 1945’s “Nightfall in Normandy”. Oh! Fun fact: This film was written by another cousin, BARRY Barrymore!

[ cut to film clip, black-and-white wartime scene ]

Gertrude Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I am SO stoked being nursing all these soldiers right now! They are all just, like, so wound-ad… and… awe-some!

[ a shot rings out ]

Cecil Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I was just shot! I saw the bullet coming, and I was just, like, YES! [ he falls to the ground ]

Gertrude Barrymore: You are SUCH a free spirit!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She WAS… such… a free spirit! There were so MANY Barrymores — ones I didn’t even KNOW about! For example, I only recently found out that I’m related to the great 70’s Blaxploitation star, Darius Barrymore.

[ cut to film clip of pimp and two girls ]

Darius Barrymore: You guys are both total girl-power goddesses! But if you don’t give me my money, I WILL slice you!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: [ chuckling ] That was spectacular! Oh! And the hookers? Also played by Barrymores! And they were also… HOOKERS!

We have got a GREAT show for you tonight. The lovely Regina Spektor is here. So, stick around… [ she twirls ] we’ll be right back! [ she bows and nearly trips from the stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: Hi! I just want to say “Thank you!” to Regina Spektor, my dear old friend! The wonderful Justin Long! And to say that Kristen Wiig is INCREDIBLE in “Whip It”, and I LOVE her, and I LOVE you guys, and I want to say that, Lorne and Marci, you made my dream come true tonight. Thank you so very much. [ she thrusts her arms high ] YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Gilly

Mr. Dillon….Will Forte
Liam….Bobby Moynihan
Sam….Kenan Thompson
Paula….Abby Elliott
Gilly….Kristen Wiig
Gigli….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with a shot of Bridgewater Elementary school. Cut to Mr. Dillon’s classroom]

Mr. Dillon: All right, children. Settle down. Now, before our class begins I’d like to apologize for all of my tears yesterday. My mother let it slip that she didn’t find me attractive. And I told her—[an object crashes behind Mr. Dillon barely missing him] What the–??!! Hey, all right. Who just tried to hit me with a sizable scoop of chubby monkey hubby ice cream? Was it you Liam?

Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! It wasn’t me! I was busy trying to forget last night when my grandma tucked me in and her dentures fell out and her wig fell off and everything went crazy in my face! Oh, gosh!

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

[Sam has both arms broken, casts are joined at the hip by braces]

Sam: Um, let me see. [motions stiffly left, then right] No, I don’t think so.

Mr. Dillon: Paula, did you alley hoop the scoop?

Paula: Mr. Dillon! No! But do I know who did?! Of course! Hello?! It was Gilly! [points at Gilly]

[Gilly smiles mischievously, big frizzy hair with big bow on top of afro]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

[Nothing from Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you launch a generous scoop of premium ice cream at me?

Gilly: Sorry.

Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she’s at it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she’s always lots of trouble, her head is like a bubble, knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

[Gilly does spastic moves to the tune of the jingle. Poses. Gilly logo]

Gilly: Let’s do it.

Mr. Dillon: Now, just before class I was told our foreign exchange student has arrived all the way from Italy. Now remember, her English may not be to–oh!![exchange student is next to Mr. Dillon and he gets startled. She looks just like Gilly, except that her bow on top of her frizzy haired afro has the colors of the Italian flag] Oh-oh.

Gigli: Bon giornio.

[Gilly looks confused]

Mr. Dillon: Well, welcome. Gigli, is it? Why don’t you go stand by Paula and watch as the other kids show their art projects.

[Gigli pushes Liam from the back and stands next to him]

Liam: Hey! She pushed me!

Gigli: ‘Scusi

[Gilly and Gigli exchange friendly looks]

Mr. Dillon: All right, Liam. Why don’t we start with you? I believe you were going to make a sock puppet?

Liam: Oh-oh. I think I got confused. I made socks for a puppet. [holds up tiny socks] Oh, Gosh!

Paula: Hey! Someone help!

[Paula has her face punched through a painting of a giraffe]

Mr. Dillon: All right. Who punched Paula’s face through her weird giraffe painting? Was it you, Liam?

Liam: No! I was just looking at my lunch bag and I realized grandma must have packed it for me, oh gosh! [shows a sandwich with dentures in them]

Mr. Dillon: Sam?

Sam: Well, yesterday a fly walked around my face for like, 30 minutes. And I couldn’t do nothing about it. So, no. I did not.

Mr. Dillon: Well, I don’t know who could have done this.

Paula: Mr. Dillon! O-M-G! It was Gigli and Gilly! [points]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you do this to Paula?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Mi dispache.

Gilly: She said sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Girls, we’ll discuss this later. Now, Sam, let’s move on top you.

Sam: Well, as you know my options are limited because my arms are broken. So, I just ate bits off this wheel of cheddar cheese until it looks like a clipper ship. [shows the cheese boat]

Mr. Dillon: Mmm, it’s just ok. Hey, what is that whimpering sound? Liam, you’ve been socked!

[Liam has a sock stuck in his head, he circles directionless]

Mr. Dillon: Ok, who stretched out Liam’s tiny puppet socks over his face? Was it you, Liam? [Liam circles disoriented] Sam?

Sam: Oh, I would like to harm everyone in this room. But here is the situation. My brother had to zip my pants this morning.

Mr. Dillon: Paula? Was it you?

[Exasperated Paula points to both Gigli and Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gill-y-y-y?

Gilly: What?

[Gigli is serving Gilly a glass of wine]

Mr. Dillon: Gigli, is that wine?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Put that away! It’s not lunch yet. All right, now did you girls puppet socked Liam’s face? Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Que cosa?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: That’s me.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What’s up?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Spaguetti.

Mr. Dillon: Ok, that is it. I’ve had it up to here with you two. I’m going to write you up. Hey!

[Gigli and Gilly are smoking cigarettes]

Mr. Dillon: Stop that! Now put out those cigarettes immediately! Gilly?

Gilly: You got it. [puts out cigarette on wine glass]

Mr. Dillon: You too, Gigli.

Gigli: Prego.

[Gilly gives Gigli a can to put out her cigarette]

Mr. Dillon: Now, there are no more interruptio—

[BANG! explosion. Sam, Liam and Paula are in shock covered in black soot. Gigli’s afro is on the floor, smoke rises from it, that’s all that is left of her]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you explode Gigli by tricking her into putting her cigarette out in a can of flammable paint thinner?

Gilly: Sorry.

All: Gilly-y-y-y!

Jingle: Knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

Gilly: Arrivedercci.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Debbie Turner Book Signing

Debbie Turner…..Drew Barrymore
Employee…..Jason sudeikis
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Hamilton…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Barnes & Nobles ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Debbie turner reading from her book, “Living With the Devil” ]

Debbie Turner: “…He said goodbye, adjusted his designer sunglasses, and then the elevator doors closed. That was the last time I ever saw his soft, long, blond hair, or heard his sweet, smokey voice. Hamilton was gone.”

[ light applause from the small crowd ]

Employee: That was wonderful. Wonderful. I mean, people don’t usually read the entire book at a book reading, but, uh… no complaints here. It was certainly a fascinating story. Thank you. [ to the crowd ] Uh — any questions for Miss Turner?

Woman: Yes. If it was such an unhealthy relationship, why did you stay with him for so long?

Debbie Turner: I had questions about Hamilton from the beginning, but I was so… physically attracted to him, that I just couldn’t end it.

Employee: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Uh — any other questions?

Hamilton: [ softly ] I… have a question.

Debbie Turner: Hamilton?

Hamilton: What… if a man… realized he made a mistake… and he needed your love to survive?

Debbie Turner: Hamilton… what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I’m here… because I love you. I want to be with you in a spectacular way.

Debbie Turner: It’s too late.

Hamilton: Is it? Or is it… not too late? Is it, possibly, early?

Debbie Turner: No, it’s too late.

Hamilton: Love me again, for I have changed. I’ve learned how to love, and I love how it feels. It’s like I jumped off a bridge, and into a huge ocean of love. And all of the fish are kissing my toes. Even sharks are smiling and happy, making love to what was once their prey.

Debbie Turner: [ aggravated ] It’s easy to say that you’ve changed, because you say that ALL the time!

Hamilton: And yet, I say it again. This time you WILL take my word for it, or else!

Debbie Turner: Is that a threat?

Hamilton: [ sincere ] Yes, my love.

Debbie Turner: You are unbelievable! Look, there are so many things that you have to change, I don’t know where to start.

Hamilton: Start towards the end.

Debbie Turner: [ shaking her head ] Well… your Hummer. I think you know how I feel about that thing.

Hamilton: I’ve already sold it… and I have a new car. It’s a bigger Hummer. You’re going to love it!

Debbie Turner: And your creepy bayonet collection?

Hamilton: I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and I will gladly help them on their way.

Woman: [ interrupting ] Can I make a quick comment here? [ to Debbie ] I don’t mean to criticize you as a writer, but you did NOT so justice to his looks! [ she smiles up at Hamilton ]

Hamilton: You like what you see?

Employee: [ jumping in ] Uh, for the record, I also like what I see!

Hamilton: That’s fine…

Debbie Turner: You guys! Don’t fall for it, okay? He’s just using his looks to SUCK YOU IN!! Hamilton, this is NOT going to work! When I first saw you, I fell HARD! It’s true. But then I realized that you were not there to STOP that book burning, but, rather than, to make sure that it rna smoothly!

Hamilton: Whether you know it or not… I’m a different person. I’ve joined a gymnasium. And I’m using toilet paper now.

Debbie Turner: [ she sighs ] Well, as I said… it’s too late.

Hamilton: Maybe that’s the case. But, can I say one last thing?

Debbie Turner: Fine. But it’s not going to make a difference.

Hamilton: In the words of the Black singer, Usher: “I wanna make love in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Our song?

Hamilton: [ as he steps closer ] “…in this club… in this club. I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: This is not fair!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: You son of a BITCH!!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ unable to stop herself ] What are you doing to me?

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ swooning ] I’m falling for you again!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Oh, God!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Fine! Fine! Let’s just do it! Just tell me where.

Hamilton: On this table.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods towards Woman ] With this woman.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Woman: [ eager to participate ] Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods toward Employee ] And this dude.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Employee: [ also eager ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Debbie shoves the books off the table, jumps up on her backside and thrusts her legs apart ]

Debbie Turner: Come on!

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…” — maybe wider?

[ as everyone grabs a hold of one another, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Cooking Al Fresco

Phil O’Brien…..Andy Samberg
Fran Jones…..Drew BarrymoreMbr>Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on rooftop setting of cooking show ]

Phil O’Brien: Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of “Cooking Al Fresco”. I’m Phil O’Brien.

Fran Jones: And I’m Fran Jones. And we’re coming to you, live, from the roof of the Hammershill Building in beautiful New York City! I think I can see Connecticut from here!

[ they laugh hysterically ]

Phil O’Brien: GREAT joke, Fran! So, for those of you who don’t know: “Al Fresco” is Italian for “in the fresh air.”

Fran Jones: And that’s where we’ll be doing all of our cooking! So move over, birds! ‘Cause it’s OUR roof now!

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] 2 for 2 on the jokes! Well, we’ve got a GREAT show for you today! Joining us in a bit, from the Food Network: Guy Fieri!

[ cut to Guy Fieri, chuckling wildly as he holds an entire piineapple-ham in his hands ]

Guy Fieri: Today, we’re talking HAM HOCKS!! So get ready to ROCK OUT… with your HOCK OUT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] FULL THROTTLE!!! [ he then begins to chew on the ham ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: Great! But, first, we’re gonna kick things off with a classic: Chicken Parmegean.

Phil O’Brien: Mmm! Tell us more, Fran.

Fran Jones: Well, fresh chicken is very important, but the REAL secret is in the bread crumbs!

Phil O’Brien: That’s right! So we’ve got TONS of day-old bread here. We’re just gonna put this down and really get into it. So, we —

[ suddenly, a flock of birds descends onto the set to collect the exposed bread crumbs ]

[ Phil and Fran screanm, then attempt to offer the bread crumbs to the attacking birds ]

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, but still catching their breath after the attack ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay!

Fran Jones: A lot of excitement here on the first day!

Phil O’Brien: Oh, yeah… the kids’ll like that on the You Tube!

[ they laugh ]

Fran Jones: You Tube!

Phil O’Brien: Is everybody okay? Guy Fieri, you okay?

[ cut to Guy Fieri holding a hot dog ]

Guy Fieri: Looks like THIS show… is FOR THE BIRDS!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Relax, the two of you’s! I’m just messin’ with you! HOT DOG!! [ he shoves the full hot dog into his face ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] Oh, Guy! Well, hopefully, those birds have filled up on the bread, alright? So let’s skip the bread crumbs for now, and move onto something a little safer: marianara sauce.

Fran Jones: Good idea! [ she grabs a bottle ] Mmm, marinara sauce. Now, a lot of the jars that marinara sauce comes in —

[ as she pops the lid, the birds once again descend upon the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Oh, my God!! They did not fill up on bread!! What are they doing?!

Fran Jones: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

Phil O’Brien: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

[ cut to close-up of the birds dipping bread in the sauce with their long, outstretched claws ]

Phil O’Brien: Aghh, they love it!! Aghhh!!

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, hair askew ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay…

Fran Jones: They’re gone!

Phil O’Brien: You know what? no more food until we figure this out, alright? Let’s just move on to our guest.

Fran Jones: That’s good… You still there, Guy?

[ cut to Guy Fieri, visible wires attached to his backside ]

Guy Fieri: I sure am, you two-lios! We’re gonna do this… CAJUN-STYLE!!

[ Guy Fieri places a straw hat on his head ]

[ suddenly, the birds descend upon Guy Fieri, who begins trying to punch the birds off of him ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: The birds have got Guy Fieri!

Phil O’Brien: They saw his hat!! They must think he’s a scarecrow!! Guy!! Get out of there, Guy!!

[ cut back to Guy Fieri, as the wires begin to lift him off the ground to make it look like the birds are carrying him away ]

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, near paralyzed ]

Fran Jones: To anyone who is listening… the birds have taken Guy Fieri…

Phil O’Brien: Call the National Guard… Guy Fieri is missing.

[ no he’s not — his clothed skeleton drops onto the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Never mind.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Join us next week on “Cooking Al Fresco”, when we will be… cancelled!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 10th, 2009

Drew Barrymore

Regina Spektor

None

Justin Long

John Lutz

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) gloats about winning this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: After breaking the record for most times a woman has hosted the show, Drew Barrymore presents vintage clips of her prestigious acting family in action.

Transcript

GillySummary: Gilly (Kristen Wiig) and foreign exchange student Gigli (Drew Barrymore) wreak multicultural havoc in the classroom.

Recurring Characters: Gilly, Mr. Dillon, Sam Jeffers, Liam.

Transcript

Celebrity Ghost StoriesSummary: Various lowball celebrities recall ghost sightings.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bob Thornton, Sharon Osbourne.

University of WestfieldSummary: Academically-challenged and/or lazy people can now acquire a degree from a prestigious university, as long as they don’t tell anyone about it.

Transcript

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Drew Barrymore about her directorial debut.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members, Vinny’s son.

Transcript

Regina Spektor performs “Eet”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Republican opposition to President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize win. Scrooge McDuck (Andy Samberg) comments on the rising value of gold. Maya Angelou (Kenan Thompson) recites poetry to counter death rumors.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Maya Angelou.

Tampax to the Max Tournament of Champions 1991Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the tampon sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on billiards match between Greta Milwaukee (Kristen Wiig) and Nina Wilkes Booth (Drew Barrymore).

Cooking Al FrescoSummary: Rooftop cooking by co-hosts Fran Jones (Drew Barrymore) and Phil O’Brien (Andy Samberg) is interrupted by a flock of bread-hungry birds.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) discusses celebrity weiner dos and donts with a panel of experts.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Brenda (Drew Barrymore) and Shaun (Drew Barrymore) will provide entertainment any time at any place.

Transcript

Regina Spektor performs “The Calculation”

Debbie Turner Book SigningSummary: At a book signing, Debbie Turner (Drew Barrymore) reads her book based on a troubled romantic relationship with the manipulative Hamilton (Will Forte), who then shows up begging her to come back to him.

Summary: Hamilton.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Polanski PetitionSummary: Filmmakers try to decide what to do about Roman Polanski.

SNL Transcripts