Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on interior, government office. A politician sits at the desk with their back and chair turned to obscure their identity. ]
Announcer: And now, a message from Secretary of State designate, Hillary Clinton.
[ Hillary Clinton turns around, a mischievous grin on her face ]
Hillary Clinton: You thought I was goooone, didn’t you! [ the audience cheers, as Poehler waves to her fans ] Hello! I’m Hillary Clinton, and I am SO excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true! I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama ask of me in this difficult time. And, let’s be honest: it is a difficult time. In fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation’s history to step into the presidency. Boo-hoo!
Seriously, would you rather fix the economy, or travel the globe? Point: Hillary! [ she laughs ] I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems, and, should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma, or whatever… I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today’s global economy, one could argue there’s no job more essential than Secretary of State. But the question isn’t “Is my new job better than being President?” Or “Is it better than being a senator from New York?” The question is: “Is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?” [ she smiles smugly ] And the answer is: “Yes!” [ she beams ] “Yes, it is!” But I do want to take a moment… to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. MOM IT UP!! BEST OF LUCK TO YA’!!
While I’m excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. My appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York’s Junior Senator. It has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. [ she chuckles loudly ] Oh, who am I kidding? This is NOT my home state! It NEVER was my home state! [ fast-paced ] Pack up the house in Chappaqua, Bill! What’s that? We never unpacked? Even better! [ she laughs ]
Bill Clinton’s Voice: Did somebody say my name?
[ Bill Clinton enters the frame, much to Hillary’s disappointment ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello, Bill. Hi.
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Bill Clinton: I just want to say how happy we are… to be back in your lives, America. You voted for change… but you ain’t never gonna change this! [ he grasps Hillary’s shoulder ]
Hillary Clinton: We Clintons are here to stay! You may think we’re down, but, like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears… we will rise again!
Bill Clinton: You can complain about us all you want, but we’re gonna keep saying what we’ve been saying for sixteen years.
(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)
Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.
Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.
Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.
Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.
(They share a hearty laugh)
Mom: Now, where are the twins?
Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.
Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.
Dad: Tell me about it.
(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)
Mom: Merry Christmas boys.
Twin 1: Ma.
Twin 2: Ma.
Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?
Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?
Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.
Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?
Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!
Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.
Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?
Twin 2: Square roots!
Twin 1: Lighting speed.
Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.
Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?
Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.
Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!
Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?
Glenn: I´ll do it.
Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…
Both twins: Ma!
Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?
Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.
Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!
Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!
Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?
Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!
Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?
Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.
Dad: All right, here we go.
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!
Twin 1: Calculator!
Twin 2: Calculator!
Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.
Glenn: Aw, man…
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.
Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!
Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.
Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)
Mom: Awww…
Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?
Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.
(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)
Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.
Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.
Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.
Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.
Mom: Why don´t you just open it?
(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)
Both Twins: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!
Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!!
Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!
(Twins sit back down)
Twin 2: A calculator!
Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!
Twin 2: Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)
Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Its ours!
Twin 2: Take a picture of this!
Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.
Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.
Dad: They certainly are.
Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.
(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)
Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!
Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.
Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 6th, 2008 John Malkovich T.I. None Jamie-Lynn Sigler Molly Sims Justin Timberlake Swizz Beatz Jorma Taccone
A Message from the Secretary of State DesignateSummary: Newly-appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) swears she doesn’t hold a grudge against Barack Obama for getting to be president. Note: Amy Poehler returns from maternity leave. Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
John Malkovich’s MonologueSummary: John Malkovich reads “The Night Before Christmas” to a group of crew members’ children, but keeps interrupting the story to educate them about the real story behind the traditional tale. First Hosted: 88j. Transcript
Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.
ShanaSummary: Office workers (Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson) are enamored by new girl Shana (Kristen Wiig), who possesses great sex appeal until she walks and talks.
Cool ObamaSummary: Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) points out just how cool he is. Recurring Characters: Barack Obama. Transcript
La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews John Malkovich and shows a clip from his sex film “Being Vinny Vedecci”. Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members. Transcript
Virgania Horsen’s Pony ExpressSummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) offers an alternative to traditional mail services that could be under terrorist attack. Recurring Characters: Virgania Horsen. Transcript
TwinsSummary: All twin brothers Aiden (John Malkovich) and Paul (Fred Armisen) want for Christmas is a calculator. Transcript
T.I. performs “Whatever You Like”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Plaxico Burress (Kenan Thompson) gives gun-carrying tips, then accidentlaly shoots himself again. 9-year old David Rasmussen (Andy Samberg) offers tips on how to meet girls. Boy George (Fred Armisen) doesn’t see anything wrong with his recent crime arrest. Recurring Characters: Boy George.
The Lost Works of Judy BlumeSummary: Awkward teenager Gertie (John Malkovich) harbors a secret she hopes won’t be revealed at a slumber party.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about “Jizz In My Pants”. Transcript
T.I. & Swizz Beatz perform “Swing Ya Rag”
J’accuziSummary: John Malkovich stars in a version of “Dangerous Liasions” that is set in a jacuzzi. Transcript
…..Seth Meyers Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Arianna Huffington…..Michaela Watkins Zell Miller…..Will Forte
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is still on assignment. Here are tonight’s top stories:
The heads of Detroits Big Three automakers went to Washington on Tuesday to beg Congress for a $25 billion bailout. While heads of Japans automakers had sex with beautiful women and then slept like babies.
It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes. [ image: Palin’s book, titled “Jus’ Tellin’ My Story” ]
Health groups are demanding that Phillip Morris withdraw their new product, Virginia Slims Superslim Lights, which come in a lipstick sized pack of 20 cigarettes, that they say are “clearly designed to appeal to teen girls.” Plus, while you smoke one, it talks to you about “Twilight”.
The Disney Channel group, Cheetah Girls, was removed from the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade after semi-nude photos of one of its members appeared online. Although, I dont know why theyre holding the Cheetah Girls to a higher standard than Snoopy. [ image: black-barred photo of Snoopy ]
In recent days, Barack Obama has started to fill out his cabinet positions, inclusing Secretary of State. Here now, to discuss these choices, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth. Where’s Blondie?
Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — Amy’s not here.
Bill Clinton: [ adjusting his tie ] You have to give me a heads-up when there are gonna be changes like that.
Seth Meyers: I-I’m sorry.
Bill Clinton: And, Amy, wherever you are, I just want to say: [ he mimes a telephone with his fingers and mouths “Call Me” ]
Seth Meyers: Okay. So, anyways — the cabinet.
Bill Clinton: Yes, the cabinet. Uh, Seth, I am here tonight to make a very exciting announcement. And, even though I’m not supposed to say anything, I — I can’t help myself! After the holiday, Barack Obama will officially appoint ME… Husband to the Secretary of State.
Seth Meyers: You mean, he will appoint Hillary Secretary of State?
Bill Clinton: Say it however you want to say it, Seth. The point is, I am honored. Now, it’s true that this move will make Hillary the Secretary of State, and it is gonna be great. But I just want to say to all of those world leaders out there who thought they were gonna be dealing with a cool operator like Barack Obama: SUR-PRIIIISE!! You got Hillary! [ he chuckles heartily, then bites his lip ] Best of luck to ya’! Whatever excuses you despots and tyrants are gonna use to explain your bad behavior, just throw those right out the window — she sees through ALL of them! There are only three you’re gonna need when Hillary shows up: I… am… sorry! [ he smiles ] It don’t work all the time, but sometimes it’s a good place to start.
Seth Meyers: Okay. Now, uh — one of the hold-ups to Hillary’s appointment were your finances, but reports are you’ve agreed to turn everything over to the Obama transition team.
Bill Clinton: You know, Seth, I was just hoping for someone to ask me about my finances. If I TOLD you how much I made for a speaking engagement without you asking me, it would sound like bragging! Because it is a SICK number! I mean, you can’t believe what people pay me for talking. Talking! My second all-time favorite activity! [ he smiles ]
Seth Meyers: So what will this appointment mean for Bill Clinton?
Bill Clinton: Well, now, the position of Husband to the Secretary of State is a position that requires a lot of international traveling. I’ll be honest — I’m looking forward to spreading American goodwill. I’m gonna spread it from the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas, to the topless beaches of Rio… to the bottomless beaches of Abisa. Yeah. So, in conclusion, I will take my show on the road. I will support Barack Obama. And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the LAST thing I want to do… is screw Hillary.
Seth Meyers: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton: [ mimes telephone again, then exits the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Its been confirmed that the government is developing tiny, insect-like robots which would be used to spy on enemies and possibly attack them. So, sorry for ever doubting you, Gary Busey.
A new report shows that a large number of Americans are “alarmingly uninformed” about the history of the U.S. and its founding principles. Experts say the number could be as high as 1 in 4. [ image: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Joe Biden ]
Suri Cruise, the 2 year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, tops the Forbes.com second annual list of “Hollywoods 10 Hottest Tots”. Which begs the question: What the hell is going on at Forbes.com?
President Bush, this week, said he will do all he can to help Barack Obama with his transition into the White House. Here to comment, political pundit, and creator of the Huffington Post — Arianna Huffington.
Arianna Huffington: Oh! Hello! Hi, Seth! Hi! I’m Arianna Huffington. You know… this George Bush, he’s done it again. He says he wants to help Barack Obama with his transition. Listen! George! You hae done e-nough! Don’t do anything else! Don’t! Don’t even water a plant.
Seth Meyers: So I take it you’re not a huge fan of George Bush?
Arianna Huffington: Oh, listen, Seth, please! It’s like this country was a brand new BMW, and George Bush smashed it into a tree. And now, he’s tossing the keys to Barack Obama and he says, “Enjoy! It’s all yours!” You know?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I see… yeah…
Arianna Huffington: Listen! Listen! Two nights ago, I was having drinks with Madeliea Albright and Chuck from the “Gossip Girl”… and, you know, they agree with me: George Bush helping out Barack Obama is like the Skeletor helping the He-Man. You know? It’s crazy. It’s like an arsonist who burns down your house and then asks, “Do you need help moving?”
Seth Meyers: Okay, um — well, uh — [ he chuckles ] Maybe we should just focus on some of the positives.
Arianna Huffington: Okay. Good! Okay. Uh, let’s see… the good news is that politics is sexy again — and I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so… I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it’s pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place — totally unprotected — there’s a big surge, we don’t pull out — it’s disgusting! You know — you know what I am talking about — ’cause I sure don’t. Okay, good night!
Ron Howard, this week, praised Angelina Jolies efforts as a working actress and mother of six, and complimented her for coping with such “huge undertakings”. I have to agree, though this is the first time Ive heard them referred to as “undertakings”.
Debby, the oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a zoo at the age of 42. Debby is survived by her two daughters, Cindy, Crystal, and her stepson, Kareem. [ image: black bear cub ]
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth, Thursday, to a boy named Bronx Mowgli. As in: “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz. Bronx Mowgli got beat up at school again.”
On December 2nd, the state of Georgia will hold a special run-off election between Republican Saxby Chambliss, and Democrat Jim Martin. Here to comment, is former Georgia senator Zell Miller.
Zell Miller: It’s good to be here, Seth!
Seth Meyers: So… you’re a registered Democrat, yet you’ve been campaigning pretty hard for the Republican candidate, Saxby Chambliss.
Zell Miller: Seth, I would sooner drink hemlock than vote for that namby-pamby Jim Martin! I mean, what kind of name is that — Jim Martin?! You know, back in my day, a guy named Jim Martin comes up to you and says he’s runnin’ for the Senate, you put him in a BARREL and send him over a WATERFALL!! I want a man up there with a name I can TRUST! A man with a name like the guys I grew up with! A man with a name like Saxby Chambliss! Or Zackamore Hooberry! Goolsby Scroggins! Mortimer Fapp! Derval Mackinaw! Ebenezer Yakbain! Jasper Quazzeltoot! I used to work in a saloon with a guy named Peabody Tilcutt! Now, I don’t know a thing about his politics, but I would vote for that man for President of the United States! Unless his running mate had a name like Jim Martin! That’s why I’m voting for Saxby Chambliss!
Seth Meyers: So, that’s the only reason you’re voting for him?
Zell Miller: What, just think of what will happen to this country if a man like Jim Martin is elected to the Senate! You know, next thing you know some guy named Mark Smith gets in there! And then John Brown! And then Mike Black! And then, soon the entire country is being run by Browns and Blacks!
Seth Meyers: You know, out of context, umm — that could sound pretty bad, so maybe you want to retract that last statement?
Zell Miller: ZELL MILLER RETRACTS NOTHING, SETH!!! ow, trust me, you do not want a guy like Jim Martin in the Senate!! Okay? You’d be much better off with a man named Bernhart Barnthistle!! Or Templeton Thappletrap! Fitzner Blout! Beezleton Kernwinkle! Kip Joggletog! You know, I’m kinda runnin’ out of names here — but you get the point! Oh, thought of another one: Clementine Dimplethippy!
Seth Meyers: So, this really is just about the name?
Zell Miller: [ outraged ] Oh, okay! It looks like we got a Jim Martin supporter here!! You’re lucky I left my scabbard in my hot air balloon!! Oh, got another one! Foster Macadoodledoodiedoo!!
Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Is that even a real name?
Zell Miller: [ stands and runs ] Oh, where’s that scabbard?! Where’s the scabbard?!
Seth Meyers: Alright, Zell Miller, everybody!
[ image: Madonna ] This week, a British court released a cougar back into the wild.
In an interview in “The New Yorker”, Prince reveals that, since he joined the Jehovahs Witnesses two years ago, he has started leaving his gated community to knock on doors and preach the word of his Christian denomination. Finally creating an occasion to say, “Oh, my god, hide, Prince is coming.”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
Announcer: And now a message from White House Chief of Staff-Designate — Rahm Emanuel.
(Congressman RAHM EMANUEL sits on his desk with his hands folded.)
Rahm Emanuel: Hello, I’m Rahm Emanuel… one-time congressman of IllinoisFifth District and now White House Chief of Staff-Designate forPresident-Elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great, newage in American politics and I am proud and excited to be apart of it. Atthe same time, I understand our country is facing great challenges.Challenges that are going to require both parties come together to findsolutions.
Now some on the right, such as Minority Leader John Boehner, havecriticized my appointment as being “hyper-partisan”. And have accused meof being prone to “bare-knuckle tactics” and “profanity-laced tirades” inthe past. Well, it is true my nickname is “Rahm-bo”, and it is also truemy brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on “Entourage”, Iwant to assure you that I took this job for one reason only – to supportBarack Obama’s message of hope and change…
Although I should say, to anyone thinking about crossing me — I willF—ING end you! You will never even see it coming! One day you will behere and the next day you will be f—ing disappear.
And John Boehner!? You seriously want to f— with me!? You’re losingseats in Congress like it’s a game of f—ing musical chairs and you issuea press release about me!? You f—ing idiot! About me!? You pull thats–t to my face, Boehner, and I’ll send you back to Ohio in a f—ing box!
And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get inf—ing line or I will personally stamp your ticket! None of your f—ingbulls— on my watch, Joe Lieberman! If it was up to me, we wouldn’t juststrip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you WALKYOUR McCAIN LOVING ASS back to Connecticut. YOU F—KING TURNCOAT!
Don’t believe me… ask Howard F—ING Dean if I’m for real. He s—shimself when he hears me on the radio.
(Emanuel turns to his right to face the CAMERA and points his left hands.)
Rahm Emanuel: I’m sorry did you say something!?
(The CAMERA shakes back and forth.)
Rahm Emanuel: Are you f—ing sure!?
(The CAMERA nods.)
Rahm Emanuel: Yeah. You better be f—ing sure.
(Emanuel returns to face the MASTER CAMERA.)
Rahm Emanuel: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight.And I look forward in the coming months to setting out on what I promiseto be an incredible journey. Seriously, it’s going to be f—ing amazing.
Tim McGraw: Wow! Thank you very much! Thank you! I never thought I’d be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. But it’s great to be here during such an exciting time in America. Change is sweeping the nation, and there’s a feeling that anything is possible. Fro example: a country singer is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and the musical guests are Ludacris and T-Pain! [ audience cheers ] Well, you may not know this, but this is actually the very first time the three of us have worked together. It’s crazy, right? I know! And I’m sure many hip-hop fans are tuning in tonight, and, if I may, I’d like to take a moment to speak directly to them:
[ close-up ]
Hi! I’m Tim McGraw… and you have never heard of me. I write songs and perform them in a genre known as Country. Now, I know it’s not the same as Hip-Hop, but you might enjoy the wholesome world that is Country music. We sing about things like family, friendship, and, well, hope. Now, of course, sometimes we sing about things like drinking, or drinking and fighting. But, mainly it is about family, or about your wife, or… cheating on your wife. Or your wife cheating on you with another man, and you killing that man. Or killing your wife. Or shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die. That actually is, kind of, like, our big song. But, the point is: you know, give it a shot! You might even like it. Here — here’s an example:
[ he picks up a microphone and begins to sing ]
“Girl, you’ve never known no one like me Up there in your high society. They might tell you I’m no good Girl, they need to understand — come on! Just who I am I may be a real bad boy But, baby, I’m a real good man.”
We have a FANTASTIC show tonight! We got Ludacris! And T-Pain up in here! Y’all hang around, we’ll be right back!
Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte Bob….Tim McGraw Kathy….Kristen Wiig Guest 1….Casey Wilson Guest 2….Fred Armisen Guest 3….Abby Elliott Guest 4….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)
Bob: ….and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because that´s truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.
All: Amen.
Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?
(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)
Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, don´t call me turkey! You´re the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, I´m starving.
Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?
Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if you´re talking women, I´ll go dark. If we´re talking turkey, I´ll go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! “Agent Bird flew where?” Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, I´ll have a bunch of both.
Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?
Jeff Montgomery: Who´s Kathy?
Kathy: I´m Kathy.
Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.
Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.
Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.
Jeff Montgomery: Ha! You´re both wrong! I´m not here with Kathy and I certainly don´t have a job.
(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)
Bob: So, who exactly are you?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m Jeff Montgomery.
Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?
Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!
Guest 1: Me.
Guest 2: Me.
Guest 3: Me.
Guest 4: Me.
Kathy: Me.
Bob: And you´re not here with me. So it sounds like you´re really not here with anyone.
Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isn´t about questioning why people you don´t know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.
Bob: See, that´s the thing, cause I don´t think anyone here invited you so I´m still unclear about how did you get in here.
Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?
Kathy: Door.
Guest 4: Door.
Guest 3: Door.
Guest 2: Door.
Guest 1: Door.
Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? We´re all in the same boat here! Now, let´s eat.
Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so I´m gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and I´ll be right back.
Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, I´m sure there´s a very good explanation for why I´m here.
Bob: And that is?
Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying…
Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?
Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?
Guest 1: No.
Guest 2: No.
Guest 3: No.
Guest 4: No.
Kathy: No.
Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who haven´t, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, “trick or turkey”?
Bob: And what exactly is your costume?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m a man who recently escaped a mental institution.
Bob: Excuse me?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, you´ll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where I´m from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.
Bob: And where are you from?
Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.
Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, I´d like to report an escaped mental patient.
Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, you´re missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?
Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?
Jeff Montgomery: The same he´s been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!
(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy face)
Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.
Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.
Keith Morrison….Bill Hader Sara Hellerman….Kristen Wiig Jeff Bishop….Jason Sudeikis Lily Bishop….Casey Wilson Kurt Bird….Tim McGraw
Caption: Dateline Investigation NBC Logo.
Announcer: Tonight at 10. On Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations.
(cut to investigative reporter Keith Morrison)
Keith Morrison: Sara Hellerman´s boyfriend was into drugs, getting mixed up with some gang bangers but one night he just didn´t come home.
(cut to Sara with Keith in her living room)
Sara Hellerman: I looked for him for weeks and weeks. Finally the police called me and, (disturbed) they found his car.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smirk on his face) And what did they find when they opened up the trunk of that car?
Sara Hellerman: It was my boyfriend´s body.
Keith Morrison: O-o-oh, my. Was he all right?
Sara Hellerman: No, he was dead.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.
(cut to Keith on the TV studio)
Keith Morrison: Then later, the all too real story of Jeff and Lily Bishop. When their boat capsized they found themselves alone at sea. But were they really alone?
(cut to Keith in the Bishop´s living room)
Jeff Bishop: So it was day two and we were surrounded by sharks.
Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. What was that like?
Jeff Bishop: It was terrible.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) A-a-a-ah.
Lily Bishop: We both just passed out.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Ee-e-e-eh.
Jeff Bishop: And when I came to, my leg was gone.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) O-o-oh. Did you find it?
Jeff Bishop: No. It had been eaten.
Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.
Lily Bishop: I´m sorry, are you smiling?
Keith Morrison: (still with the creepy smile) No-o-o-o. I´m horrified.
(cut to Keith in the TV studio)
Keith Morrison: Then stay tuned for the most heart wrenching story I´ve ever reported on. Kurt Bird. He thought he knew his wife. But did he?
(cut to Keith in Kurt Bird´s kitchen)
Kurt Bird: (disturbed) I´ve been away for business for about a week.
Keith Morrison: (seedy grin) Ah.
Kurt Bird: And I found my wife holding a knife, covered in blood.
Keith Morrison: (still grinning) Aa-a-ah.
Kurt Bird: She had murdered our neighbors.
Keith Morrison: (again with a creepy smile on) O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ohhh, yeah, oh no, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah, e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ehh.
Kurt Bird: Do you get some sort of strange delight from all this?
Keith Morrison: I do.
(cut to Keith at the TV studio)
Keith Morrison: All that and an old lady on fire. Tonight on Dateline.
[ open on woman standing in her bathroom, brushing her hair. She stops to address the camera” ]
Karen: [ with a lisp ] Oh, hi! My name’s Karen Segal, and I’m gonna bet you $100 you can’t tell I have something on my teeth! [ she smiles, making it obvious that she is wearing some sort of greyish retainer ] How am I so sure? [ she holds up the product box ] Because I’m wearing Clear Rite, the world’s first adult retainer that’s completely unnoticable!
[ she smacks her lips in an effort to adjust the retainer in her mouth ]
Karen: I’m like you — I want beautiful, straight teeth, but I don’t want metal in my mouth for everyone to see, or those so-called clear braces that are… [ she smacks her lips once more ] totally noticeable! Hey! Here comes my friend Tyler, who recently got those invisible braces!
[ Tyler enters, wearing invisible braces ]
Tyler: Hey, Karen!
Karen: Hey, Tyler! How are you liking those clear braces?
Tyler: Oh, what a waste of money! Everyone notices them right away!
Karen: I see what you mean! You should have gotten… [ she smacks her lips once more ] Clear-Rite!
Tyler: What?
Karen: Clear-Rite! [ she smacks her lips once more ]
[ Tyler stares at her in disbelief ]
Karen: Bye, Tyler!
Tyler: Bye!
[ Tyler exits ]
Karen: Poor guy! Spent thousands of dollars to have an orthodontist put those in his teeth. Clear-Rite is affordable and absolutely undetectable! I promise you: if you want to fix your smile, you can do it without anyone… [ she smacks her lips once more ] I mean, ANYONE noticing! I can prove it! Here comes my friend Shannon — if she doesn’t notice Clear-Rite, nobody will!
[ Karen enters, brimming a wide, white smile ]
Shannon: Hey, Karen!
Karen: Hey, Shannon! Do you notice anything… [ she smacks her lips once more ] different about me?
Shannon: I’ve known you and seen you every day since we were three, and I don’t see anything different! What are you even talking about?!
Karen: Oh, nothing! [ she smacks her lips once more and gulps awkwardly as Shannon continues to smile brightly at her ] Bye, Shannon!
Shannon: Bye!
[ Shannon exits ]
Karen: Well, I better get going — my boyfriend’s gonna be here ANY minute!
Boyfriend V/O: Honey?
Karen: [ excited ] That’s him! Shhhh!! I won’t tell if you don’t!
[ Boyfriend enters ]
Boyfriend: Wow, honey! You look great!
Karen: Thanks!
Boyfriend: [ bluntly ] What’s that on your teeth? [ she cowers ] Seriously, what is that?
Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more, then holds the box up ] Clear-Rite! Try it today, and you’ll receive —
Boyfriend: Who are you talking to?
Karen: [ she puts the box down ] No one.
Boyfriend: [ he picks up the box ] Did you make this box? What’s Clear-Rite?
Karen: I invented it… and I was practicing to make a commercial.
Boyfriend: What’s it do?
Karen: Nothing, I guess. [ she smacks her lips once more ]
Boyfriend: What’s going on with you, Beth?
Karen: Karen. For the commercial.
Boyfriend: Who’s Karen?
Karen: Me. Beth.
Boyfriend: Okay. Maybe we should cancel our picnic.
Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite. Order now!
Boyfriend: [ he swats the box with his hand ] Okay, stop it!
Karen: It’s Karen. [ to the audience ] Call the number on your screen —
Boyfriend: There’s no number down there.
Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more ] Is it bad that I see one?
Boyfriend: It’s not good.
Karen: It’s okay to put… [ she smacks her lips once more ] super glue in your mouth, right?
Air Date:
