Nancy….Casey Wilson Judith….Kristen Wiig Phil….Jason Sudeikis Hugh….Hugh Laurie Will….Will Forte
(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)
Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?
Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.
Hugh: Nancy, stop it.
Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.
Will: (offended) What?!
Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!
Nancy: Weather girl over here!
Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?
Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?
Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!
(Judith gets up from the table)
Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!
(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)
Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?
Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.
Nancy: So, no?
Hugh: No.
Nancy: No? No?
Judith: He said no.
Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.
(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)
Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.
Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.
Will: What did I say?!
Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!
Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!
(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)
(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)
Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)
Nancy: Anyone need more wine?
(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)
Will: Yes!
Hugh: Yes!
Judith: Yes!
Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!
Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.
Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!
Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!
Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)
Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down fuming)
Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!
Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!
(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)
Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…
Nancy and Judith: All is calm….
Hugh: All is bright….
Nancy and Judith: All is bright….
(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)
Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!
(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)
C-SPAN Announcer…..Jim Downey Christopher Dodd…..Darrell Hammond Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis Evan Bayh…..Will Forte Richard Shelby…..Bobby Moynihan Elizabeth Dole…..Casey WilsonRobert Byrd…..Bill Hader Patti Blagojevich…..Kristen Wiig
[Open on C-SPAN bumper that reads: LATER: President Bush Addresses Elementary School Students.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later, President Bush attempts to justify his place in history to a group of skeptical third graders. But first [C-SPAN bumper dissolves to another bumper that reads: NEXT: Governor Blagojevich (D-IL) Testifies Before Senate Banking Committee.], we take you live to a hearing of the Senate Banking Committee, where Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is about to shake down Congress for money.
[Dissolve to a wide shot of the Senate Banking Committee members, Senator Richard Shelby, Senator Elizabeth Dole, Senator Christopher Dodd, Senator Evan Bayh (though the name plate is misspelled, Byah), and Senator Robert C. Byrd, seated as the hearing commences amid the studio audiences cheering and applause]
Christopher Dodd: Governor Blagojevich, youve asked for an opportunity to address this committee today, in order to request your own personal bailout package, which you claim is essential if you are to, quote, achieve true financial independence and enjoy the lifestyle youve always dreamed of, end quote.
[Cut to Governor Rod Blagojevich, seated across from the Senate Banking Committee panel, nodding]
Rod Blagojevich: F[bleep]in A, Senator.
Christopher Dodd: Youre currently facing federal charges for attempting to sell, to the highest bidder, the Illinois Senate seat left vacant by the election of Senator Obama. Why do you feel entitled to a government bailout?
Rod Blagojevich: First of all, Senator, because it was a federal prosecutor who spiked my deal to sell the Senate seat in the first place. And second, because if I dont get this bailout, I swear to God, I will appoint some psycho motherf[bleep]er who will tear this fr[bleep]in place apart! Believe meI will do it and you will NOT be happy!
Christopher Dodd: Fair enough. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Alabama.
Richard Shelby: Governor Blagojevich, I have looked over your proposal here, and I will agree: it is quite detailed. You have offered to appoint a well-qualified senator chosen by your state legislature, and in return, you asked for the following: $750,000 in cash, your Visa and Discover cards paid, your nephew Mickey appointed head of the Centers for Disease Control, U.S. attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, quote, whacked, andand the leather jacket pictured on page 112 of the October GQ.
Rod Blagojevich: Mm-hmm. Thats right. Its the one Troy Aikmans wearing.
Richard Shelby: Well, right off the bat, I can tell you, a couple of these items are going to be difficult.
Rod Blagojevich: Uh-huh. All right. What about an ambassadorship?
Evan Bayh: Uh, excuse me. An ambassadorship?
Rod Blagojevich: Yeah. Like, I dont know, Turkey.
Evan Bayh: Governor, lets be clear: you are not going to be named ambassador to Turkey. Uh, right now, thats one of our most sensitive diplomatic posts.
Rod Blagojevich: [chuckling] Hey, relax [puts up his hands defensively], Im not actually going to go there. Its a no-show job.
Evan Bayh: Well, forget it.
Rod Blagojevich: All right, well, in that case, I guess Ill have to appoint myself to the Senate.
[Everyone on the Senate Banking Committee panel groans, No! and Come on!]
Rod Blagojevich: Let meuh, let me ask you guys something. What do senators make these days?
Christopher Dodd: $169,300 a year.
Rod Blagojevich: Fr[bleep]k?! Thats it?!
Christopher Dodd: Thats it.
Rod Blagojevich: With health benefits?
Christopher Dodd: Yes.
Rod Blagojevich: And what about the hours? Do you guys have to come in on Mondays and Fridays?
Elizabeth Dole: I wouldnt get too deep into this, Governor. Im fairly certain this body is not going to seat you.
Rod Blagojevich: Really?
Elizabeth Dole: Andand let me add something: In my opinion, you are a disgrace to the state of Illinois. [briefly considers what she just said]: Well, maybe not to Illinois, but you know what Im sayin. If you were the governor of any other state, you would be a disgrace to that state.
Rod Blagojevich: [after a brief silence] F[bleep]k you! [a beat]: Hey, would any of you guys be interested in purchasing the actual wedding ring of President Abraham Lincoln? Cuz I got it, and yes, it is for sale–$250 Gs. [slides in a wooden jewelry case and opens it, revealing a skeleton hand with a gold wedding band on the ring finger]: The hand is included unless, of course, you dont want the hand.
Robert Byrd: Uh, uh, are we to infer, Governor, this sacred artifact was looted from the tomb of our 16th President on the Illinois State Capital Ground?
Rod Blagojevich: Well, lets just say that, on completion of the sale, the buyer will receive a certificate of authenticity along with the videotape to back it up.
Robert Byrd: My God, youre nothing but a common grave-robber! A body snatcher! A resurrectionist!
Rod Blagojevich: [as he closes the jewelry case] Senator, I did not come here to be called names. Do you want the ring or not?
Robert Byrd: NO, I dont want the ring!
Rod Blagojevich: Fine, fine. Suit yourselves. Ive got a buyer in Japan whos offered two million yen. I just thought it would be nice if the ring stayed here in this country, thats all. Cowch[bleep]s!
Evan Bayh: Governor, I think what youre doing is just plain wrong, and I hope you realize two million yen is only about $18,000.
Rod Blagojevich: Really? [realizes hes been cheated]: That motherf[bleep]er!
[Rod Blagojevichs wife, Patti, suddenly leans into the frame]
Patti Blagojevich: I wanna be on the board of NASA!
Christopher Dodd: Would security please remove this person?
Rod Blagojevich: No, no, no, Senator, this is my wife, Patti.
Patti Blagojevich: [to Rod] I wanna be on the board of NASA!
Rod Blagojevich: No, sweetie, honey. Look, theyre not gonna. They say youre not qualified.
Patti Blagojevich: Well, f[bleep]k them! I just got my Class 3 real estate license.
[Cut to a brief reaction shot of Senators Dodd and Bayh watching Patti chew out her husband]
Rod Blagojevich: [covers the microphone at his side] Honey, why dont you go wait in the car?
Patti Blagojevich: [points at him accusingly] You promised. F[bleep]ker! [leaves. Rod looks slightly embarrassed]
Christopher Dodd: Well, Governor, I think this committee has heard about enough today. Unless you have something more to add, I move we adjourn this hearing.
Rod Blagojevich: Okay, just one thing, Senator. I want to thank the committee for allowing me to testify here today. It really is an impressive settingthis hearing room. And I think we can all agree; it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it.
Christopher Dodd: [not following] What do you mean?
Rod Blagojevich: Oh, you know, likeyou know, like a fire or something. These old buildings with the old wiringtheyre always catching fire. If youre interested, I, uh, I have some friends who can keep an eye on the place when no ones around. They can also watch your cars, too$2500 a month.
Evan Bayh: You want the government to pay you extortion money in return for not burning down the U.S. Capitol Building?
Rod Blagojevich: That is what Im proposing. Yes.
Christopher Dodd: Governor, let me ask you: are you retarded?
Rod Blagojevich: [offended by the question] Hey, hey! First of all, Senator, the correct term is, developmentally challenged. And yes, I am mildly developmentally challenged. Though, obviously, it has not affected my performance as governor.
[Cut to Senators Dodd and Bayh, stunned over Blagojevichs stupid remark]
Rod Blagojevich: But I can see Im wasting my time here, so you know what? [slides the jewelry case with Abraham Lincolns wedding ring inside towards him]: I think Ill just head over to the Supreme Court, to see if any of those guys are any easier to deal with, instead of you stupid f[bleep]s. [presents a pink parking slip]: So, if youll just validate my parking ticket here, Ill be on my way. And one last thing: Go f[bleep]k yourselves! Also: Live from New York, its Saturday night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 13th, 2008 Hugh Laurie Kanye West None Maya Rudolph None
Blagojevich HearingSummary: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) testifies and curses before the Senate Banking Committee for his own financial bailout. Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Robert Byrd, Evan Bayh, Christopher Dodd, Elizabeth Dole. Transcript
Montage
Hugh Laurie’s MonologueSummary: In order to avoid copyright infringement laws, Hugh Laurie sings a medley of three-second excerpts from his favorite Christmas songs. First Hosted: 06d. Transcript
Sarcastic Christmas DinnerSummary: Members of a family (Hugh Laurie, Casey Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) make sarcastic remarks to one another over a tense Christmas dinner. Transcript
Wedding ToastsSummary: Offbeat members of the Culhane family continuously interrupt the emcee (Jason Sudeikis) at the wedding reception of David (Andy Samberg) and Tina (Abby Elliott). Transcript
Kayne West performs “Love Lockdown”First Performed: 05a. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: New York Governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments about ousted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and mocks New Jersey. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s scandal. Amy Poehler’s announcement that she’s really leaving “SNL” is interrupted by a wandering Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).
Magical LampsSummary: A trio of singing lamps (Hugh Laurie, Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig) take their shopkeepers (Fred Armisen, Michaela Watkins) hostage, shoot a grandfather clock (Will Forte), and star in a new Broadway musical.
The Cat’s Christmas LetterSummary: An exasperated husband (Hugh Laurie) types up the family’s Christmas letter in their dead pet cat’s voice, as dictated by his nutty wife (Kristen Wiig).
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As the boss (Hugh Laurie) announces impending company layoffs, employee Marcus (Fred Armisen) can’t keep his hands off what he thinks are delicious cookies. Transcript
Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader Show´s Director….Fred Armisen Assistant….Will Forte Vinny´s Son….Bobby Moynihan Chef Boyar G´s….Kenan Thompson, Andy Samberg John Malkovich
(Opens with Italy´s RAI TV logo)
Caption: RAI
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.
Vinny Vedecci: Regazze, regazze. Tempo de La Rivista della Televisione con mio! Vinny Vedecci!
[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]
[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit, ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]
Vinny Vedecci: Hey, hey! Caseando, caseando. Mio, Vinny Vedecci con eta noche. Isetaliano, eh, eh, cinema italiano, conoserando “In the Line of Fire”, “Rounders”, “The Changeling”, toro serebandes! John Malkovich!
(Vinny gets up and shakes hands with acclaimed actor/director John Malkovich, they sit down)
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, eh, eh, John Malkovich. Buono sera, John Malkovich. Posiento, dona mataros, pos setegando, sorabando, (John is lost, looks around) Sina e maracando?
John Malkovich: I´m sorry, I don´t…I hope is not a problem but I don´t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: (blows air, head hangs low) Serabando! BANDO!! (angry Italian words towards the show´s director)
(Show´s director is sitting down next to the camera eating spaghetti and smoking at the same time. As usual his assistant next to him eats his spaghetti like nothing is happening)
Show´s Director: Tipar! lider lucci! que parla italiano, miachi!
Vinny Vedecci: Te parle? Italiano, italiano? Parle italiano? Excuse me, he says that you told him that you could speak Italian.
John Malkovich: No, that is patently untrue!
Show´s Director: (angry) Satuando dara suo boca!
John Malkovich: What is he saying?
Show´s Director: (angrier) Stucco! Per favore! Signore setarato eh? Per favore, signore!
Vinny Vedecci: He, he just said that he loved you in “Con Air”.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Show´s Director: (more angry Italian)
John Malkovich: That´s very nice. I´m sorry I lost my temper.
Vinny Vedecci: Ok, ok. “Being John Malkovich”, heh, heh, heh, yes, yes. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich!
John Malkovich: Yes, that´s from the film, yes.
Vinny Vedecci: I can be John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I´m sorry?
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Hello, my name is John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I don´t sound anything like that.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) No, you sound exactly like this.
John Malkovich: No, I don´t.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Yes, yes you do. Yes, bande barando. (to his director) Doesn´t he sounds like this?
Show´s Director: Della cosa, John Malkovich.
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich. Eh, John Malkovich, eh pffft! John Malkovich. In Italy there is similar film called “Being Vinny Vedecci”.
John Malkovich: Really?
Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Roll clip, roll clip, roll clip.
(cut to Vinny smoking and walking into a room. Passionate moaning is heard. Vinny smiles and looks at an orgy taking place in the bed. The naked bodies are pixeled. Vinny looks at the camera)
Vinny Vedecci: Mande grazie!
(Vinny joins the orgy in bed, cut back to the studio)
Vinny Vedecci: (smiles proud) Eeeeh, eh, Vinny Vedecci, eh. What do you think, eh?
John Malkovich: Uh, I think its pornography.
Vinny Vedecci and the director: OWWWWW!!!!!
Vinny Vedecci: (upset) Bende, baratesito…!
Show´s Director: (angry) Cierto!, cierto! Per favore! Toti la grazie!
(John and the director get into a shouting match, talking over each other)
John Malkovich: There´s is a word in my language for your behavior! And the word is RUDE! That is a sex…that is a sex movie!!
Vinny Vedecci: Excuse me, excuse me. Sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: Pornography….is sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: (humble) Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Show´s Director: Grazie, signor.
(Vinny takes out a XXX dvd box set of “Being Vinny Vedecci”)
Vinny Vedecci: Vinny Vedecci is pornography, 20 hours, 8 discs!
(A little boy dressed in a sailor suit arrives)
Vinny´s Son: Papa!, Papa!
(the kid sits on Vinny´s lap)
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it is my little boy, it is my little boy! I promised him he could ask you question about movie.
John Malkovich: Ok.
Vinny´s Son: Conola bocia de la fache….
Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. Ask him in English, ask him in English. Go, go, go.
(the kid sits on Malkovich´s lap, pinches his cheeks)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. How do they make you face goes big on the wall and when the popcorn and the coming truck and butter and the same truck and why and how and how.
(kid pinches Malkovich´s cheeks again)
John Malkovich: Well, that, that´s a lot to answer.
(kid wails, crying)
Vinny´s Son: Buuaaaa!!!
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, he´s so sensitive, he´s so sensitive. Oh, oh, oh.
(Vinny gives the kid a cigarette, lights it for him. Kid calms down)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. (blows smoke)
Vinny Vedecci: Go, go, go. Oh, well, well. That´s all the time we have. My apologies to Chef Boyar “G´s”.
(cut to a rap duo dressed like Chef Boyardee, gold medallion, big clocks. They wave it off like its cool)
Vinny Vedecci: Thank you to my guest John Malkovich. Arrivederci, arrivedercci! Oh, hey, hey.
(Vinny´s son spits out his lit cigarette and Vinny gives him another, lights it for him. Malkovich is speechless)
Caption: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci
[ANDY SAMBERG and MOLLY SIMS make eye contact in a nightclub.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Locked eyes from across the room” “Down my drink while the rythem booms” “Take your hand and skip the names” “No need here for the silly games”
[Andy and Molly are dancing in the club]
“Make our way through the smoke and crowd” “Love is on the sky and I’m in your cloud” “We move in close as the lasers fly” “Our bodies touch and the angels cry”
[Andy and Molly are making out in a hallway]
“We leave this place and go back to yours” “Our lips first touch outside your door” “It the whole night we’ve got in store” “Whisper in my ear that you want some more”
“And that’s when I jizz in my pants” I won’t apologize that’s just absurd “I’m not at fault for the way that you dance” “And that’s when I jizz in my pants”
“Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say that you’re a slut” “It was your fault that you were rubbing my butt” I’m very sensative so I’ll say that’s a plus” “Now I’ll go home and change.”
[JORMA TACCONE strolls through a grocery store.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I need a few things from the grocery” “A few things that come alone mostly” “Left my heart broken not looking for love”
[Akiva Schaffer’s spinning LP’s on a turntable in the grocery store. JAMIELYNN-SIGLER checks out Jorma’s items at the register.]
“I had a suprise in my eyes when I looked above” “At the checkout counter I saw her face” “My heart stood still in time and space” “Never thought I could be real again”
“The look in her eyes said ‘I need a friend'” “She turned to me and that’s when I said it” “Looked me dead in the face, asked ‘cash or credit'” “And that’s when I jizzed in my pants”
“Don’t look there’s like there’s anything wrong with me” “Though were going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3”
[The janitor, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, grimaces.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Don’t look like you’re not impressed” “To be fair you were flirting a lot” “And the way you bag cans I was bubbling a knot”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
Jorma Taconne: [singing] “One more frown and I’m going to pay with check”
[Andy leaves a movie theater.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Last week I saw a film” “As I recall it was a horror film” “Walked outside into the rain” “Checked my phone and saw you rang”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma’s driving a convertible on the Upper West Side.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Driving down the street, red lights flashing” “Need to get away, need to make a dash” “A song comes on that reminds me of you”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Today my alarm goes off”
[Andy wakes up from bed.]
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma opens a window.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Open ed my window and a breeze rolls in”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Andy’s watching TV on his futon.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “At the end of SIXTH SENSE” “When Bruce Willis was dead”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma holds a vine of grapes.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I just ate a grape”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants” “Jizzed in my pants”
[Andy and Jorma are performing outside.]
Andy Samberg: Alright guys, can we…
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I jizz my pants all the time” “When you’re right next to me” “And when were holding hands” “It’s like you’re having sex with me”
“You say I’m premature” “And I say it’s just like esctasy” “And when it comes around” “I feel it’s just a neccessity”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Andy, Jorma, and Justin rap over and over on the chorus.]
[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside a post office ]
Virgania Horsen: Do you hate the post office? The long lines? The rude employees? The danger of terrorism?
[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting on a pony in front of a green-screen image of a meadow ]
Virgania Horsen: Well, hey — why not give me your mail? I’ll deliver it!
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.
[ cut to images of Virgania on the horse jmp-cutting to the center of the screen ]
Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, horsie! Just give me your mail, and tell me where you want it to go!
[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen bouncing around on horseback ]
Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!! We offer express mail!
[ cut to Virginia sitting on horsebak holding a stick and carrot in front of the pony’s face ]
Virgania Horsen: Looks like this mail’s gonna get there early.
[ cut to Virgania eating the carrot ]
Virgania Horsen: Or extra slow!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a UPS truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Yeah, right! No thanks!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a FedEx truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Bad ideas! Terrorists can stop that!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a US mail truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Don’t trust it!
[ cut to green-screen image of Virgania horsen on a baseball field, batting a parcel of mail into a mailbox on the next green-screen ]
Virgania Horsen: Home run!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting horseback in front of the green-screen ]
Virgania Horsen: If you want to ride a horse with me, that’s fine, too. There’s plenty of room!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing next to her horse in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a mailman in the invisible split-screen ]
Mailman: [ deep=voiced ] Hello, ma’am! Would you be able to help me deliver these letters to my mother for me?
Virgania Horsen: No problem! Right away!
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Also, would it be okay if I rode on that horse with you?
Virgania Horsen: That’d be just fine!
[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]
[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback ]
Virgania Horsen: With horses, you don’t need stamps. [ she swats an image of a stamp away ] You need stermps! [ reveal image of Virgania giving the thumbs-up on a stamp ] Which are stamps, but larger.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback, riding down a street and tossing mail ]
[ cut to Virgania Horsen addressing camera ]
Virgania Horsen: Just send whatever you want delivered to:
Virgania Horsen PO BOX 56425 Bloomington, ND
I’ll deliver for you!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing by a river in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a lumberjack in the invisible split-screen ]
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Hey! Can you deliver this toaster to California?
Virgania Horsen: No problem!
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] And this letter, too?
Virgania Horsen: I think I can handle it!
[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of the meadow ]
[ Barack Obama steps toward chair within dark setting ]
Barack Obama: Hello. I’m Barack Obama. [ he sits ] For the past few weeks, my transition team and I have been in Chicago laying the groundwork for my presidency. One thing has become clear: no matter the circumstances, I… amd gonna keep cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ background breaks into shades of blue-colored squares ]
Barack Obama: Examples? Let’s take Hillary Clinton. You remember her? She ran against me in the Democratic primary, and told superdelegates I couldn’t win in a general election. Hey, she brought up William Ayres before anyone. Did I exact political revenge? [ pause for coolness ] Nope. I brought her in. Why? Because… I keep it cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama ]
Barack Obama: [ scat ] “I take my kids to school I don’t lose my… temper It’s my only rule I keep it cool!”
[ cut to split-level blue-toned background ]
Barack Obama: And what about… Joe Lieberman? There’s a character. Supported John McCain. Even spoke at the Republican convention. And what did I do with Joe Lieberman? Did I strip him of his chairmanship, make him a pariah in his own party? [ coolly ] Nooooo, sir. I said let’s keep Joe close. Why? Because if given a choice… I choose cool.
Barack Obama: And, then… there’s John McCain. Mmm mmm mmm. It would have been easy to turn my back on John McCain. But I didn’t. I sat down with him, and we announced we were gonna work together to take on the critical challenges facing this nation. So, why did I do it? I think you know the answer to that. I keep it cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama and one of just his shoes ]
Barack Obama: [ scat ] “I never played the fool Don’t like pol-i-tics as u-su-al I keep it cool!”
[ cut to close-up of Obama on black background ]
Barack Obama: When I accomplish a mission, there isn’t going to be a banner. I’m just gonna do this: [ he stares coolly at the camera and nods ]
[ SUPER: “Barack Obama” ]
Announcer: This has been a message from President-Elect… Barack Obama ]
John Malkovich: Thank youuuuu! Thank you, thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is my third time hosting, but my first time at Christmas… and I… think it’s very clear that no one has more Christmas spirit than me. Uhhh — I mean, look at me! I’m FILLED with Christmas cheer. So the powers that be asked me if I might be willing to spread a little joy. So I am going to read a holiday classic: “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”.
[ a fireplace set is quickly assembled behind Malkovich ]
[ Malkovich sits in a chair and dons a Santa Clause hat as a group of children surround him on the floor below ]
John Malkovich: Now… I’ve invited all the children of the people who work here up on the stage, for this… moment. This will be our Christmas present to all of you.
[ he opens the book and reads ]
“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”
[ Malkovich removes his Santa’s head and scratches his pate ]
Itchy, itchy, itchy!
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. In the hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon be there.”
[ aside ] Now, you know what they say about hopes — they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.
[ the children stare at Malkovich with bare expressions ]
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“The children were nestled, snug in their beds, While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.”
Now, here’s a question: True or False. During the holiday season, the suicide rate increases significantly. [ the children don’t answer ] Right? Well, you get back to me on that.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.”
You — you know that the state of California has a home invasion law, where it’s actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I’m telling you — I mean, perfectly legal. Did you know that? [ no response ] Well… it’s true!
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, Gave a luster of midday to the objects below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.”
Now, did you know… that it is estimated that Santa’s sleigh weighs 353 thousand tons. So… traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction, that Samta and his reindeers would burst into flames. You understand? Like the meteor entering the atmosphere. [ he leans in ] This is a scientific fact.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“With a little old driver, so lively and so quick, I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick.”
You know, in Portugal, they don’t actually call him Saint Nick. His name is Pai Natal. And, unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. [ the children are quiet ] It is rather terrifying. Oh, by the way — [ he reaches for a candy dish ] If any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here’s a bowl of Hall’s Mentholyptus. No? Okay. [ he puts the dish away ] Suit yourselves. When I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I’m saying? And it was a delight. [ he flips through the pages of the book ] You know… I’m getting a sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption? [ the kids remain silent ] Okay. Well, anyway… kids, let’s put it this way: you have rendered all of this… useless. Okay? I’ll just skip to the end.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
So… Merry Christmas, children. You know what? Pai Natal is coming, and he is going to feast on all your toes! [ to the audience ] Well! That went better than I thought. We’ve got a great show. T.I. is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Himself/Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont…..John Malkovich Madame Marie de Tourvel…..Kristen Wiig Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil…..Michaela Watkins Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny…..Andy Samberg
[ open on scrolling still imaes of John Malkovich ]
Announcer: John Malkovich. One of the greatest actors of stage and screen, is returning to Broadway to reprise one of his most famous roles: ??, from the 1988 film “Dangerous Liasions”. Except, this time, all the seduction, lust, and deception takes place in a hot tub.
[ dissolve to theatrical poster ]
Announcer: Don’t miss John Malkovich, in… “J’accuzi”.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel lounging a jaccuzzi ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: You see, within a week I shall have concluded my business.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: I see.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Even so… [ he reaches across to her in the hot, steaming waters ] I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring myself to leave.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: Oh, please! [ she pushes him aside ] You must!
[ she attempts to swim away from de Valmont and climb out of the jaccuzzi, but he stops her ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Are you still so… anxious to be rid of me?
Madame Marie de Tourvel: You know the answer to that.
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: “J’accuzzi” is, for me, a… re-imagining of the “Dangerous Liasons” story — and, by “re-imagining”, I mean scenes from the movie, but… this time they take place in a hot tub.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil lounging a jaccuzzi ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Now! Yes, or no! It’s up to you, of course. I will merely confine myself to remarking that a NO will be regarded as a declaration of war! A single word is ALL that’s required!
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil: Alright. War! [ she whips out a fan from below the water and begins to fan herself ]
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: If you loved Glenn Close in the original… please call her and tell her that she should be in this production. The girl we have playing her part is not very good. None of the actors are. You would think people would want to work with an actor of my caliber, but it turns out the hot tub is a real deal-breaker.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont engaged in a swordfight duel with Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny, who promptly slays de Valmont to his final death ]
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Fetch the surgeon!
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Will you do me one final request?
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Of course.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Take… [ he holds up a stack of wet letters ] these letters. [ and, at that, he drowns beneath the water’s surface ]
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: I know what you’re thinking. I thought up with the title, “J’accuzzi”, first, and then worked backwards to come up with the play. Well… congratulations, geniuses! You caught me! And, the point is, if you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat, in a hot tub, without getting to know me socially… come see “J’accuzzi”!
[ dissolve to John Malkovich and the cast taking their bows while submerged in the jaccuzzi ]
Announcer: “J’accuzzi”. Now playing at the Wintergarden Theater. Tickets still available — all of them.
John Malkovich: [ subdued ] Listen — thanks to T.I., abnd thanks to this cast and crew here, who make this the greatest gig in show business. And, thanks, all of you. Thank you very much.
Air Date:
