…..Casey Wilson …..James Franco Willem Dafoe…..Bill Hader …..Andy Samberg
[ open inside Franco’s dressing room. He studies a script as Casey Wilson enters ]
Casey Wilson: Hi, James!
James Franco: [ looking up ] Oh, hi, Casey.
Casey Wilson: I hate to bother you… but would you mind signing this “Spider-Man” DVD?
James Franco: Oh, sure.
Casey Wilson: It’s for my Mom, she’s a huge fan… of… Willem Dafoe.
James Franco: [ as he autographs the DVD ] Oh… okay. Here you go.
Casey Wilson: Thanks! I’ll see you out there! [ she exits the dressing room ]
[ a maniacal laugh can be heard over Franco’s left shoulder ]
James Franco: Hello?
[ the dressing room dims ]
James Franco: Who’s there?!
Willem Dafoe: It’s me, James! [ Franco turns to face the man in his mirror ] Willem Dafoe. You look surprised to see me!
James Franco: [ rubbing his eyes] I must be seeing things, uh — the pressure of the show is getting to me…
Willem Dafoe: Yeah, it must be real tough wearing wigs and aquinting at cue cards for ninety minutes. [ he lets out another maniacal laugh ]
James Franco: What do you WANT from me?!
Willem Dafoe: [ sinister ] I want you to KILL Spider-Man!
James Franco: What? Spider-Man’s a fictional character!
Willem Dafoe: I’m sorry, did I say Spider-Man? I meant Samberg! I want you to KILL Andy Samberg!
James Franco: Andy? Why?
Willem Dafoe: I’ll tell you why: we did a movie together, and I had to share a limo with him. And he kept popping his head out of the moon roof and screaming, “Woo-ooh, look at me! I’m in a ca-arrr!!” The guy’s a Grade-A chooch!
James Franco: I’m not gonna KILL him!
Willem Dafoe: James… I played your father in a movie. You OWE me!
James Franco: I won’t do it!! He’s my BEST FRIEND!!
Willem Dafoe: [ angered ] HOW DARE — [ he drops his voice ] Wait. He’s your best friend? Really?
James Franco: Well… maybe not BEST friend! He’s… A friend! We met on Monday. WHATEVER!! He’s FINE!! I’m not gonna KILL Andy Samberg!!
[ Andy Samberg enters the dressing room, smiling ]
Andy Samberg: Hey, James!
James Franco: [ nervous ] Andy!
Andy Samberg: Hey! You want to see my impression of Willem Dafoe? “Hi, I’m Willem Dafoe! I was in ‘Mississippi Burning’, remember! Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop! La-terrr!!” [ he exits the dressing room ]
James Franco: You see what I’m talking about?! You don’t need a road map to know that guy deserves to DIIIEE!! Avenge me!
[ music sting ]
James Franco: NO!!! YOU’RE NOT REAL!!!
Willem Dafoe: AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
James Franco: NO!!!
[ Franco throws a coffee cup at the mirror, but it bounces off of Dafoe’s face ]
Willem Dafoe: OWWW!! OWW!!! What gives?!
James Franco: I’m sorry!! I — I — I thought there was a mirror there!
Willem Dafoe: No, I took it out! How else could I GET back here?!
James Franco: Willem, look! I-I-I-I gotta go, I’m late for my next sketch!
Willem Dafoe: James!! Get back here!! I’m Williem Dafoe!! I was in “Mississippi Burning”, remember!! [ proving Samberg’s impression correct: ] Bloop-blippity-bloop-bloop!! La-terrr!!
Deidre Nicks….Amy Poehler
Jacqueline Seka….Kristen Wiig
Toni Ward….Casey Wilson
Kiki Deamore….Cameron Diaz
Kenneth….Kenan Thompson
Madison….James Franco
(Cougar roars)
(Opens with Santana´s hit “Smooth” playing and the cougars from The Cougar Den dance with some difficulty.)
Caption: The Cougar Den
(logo is scratched)
Announcer: Its time for The Cougar Den with Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward and Jacqueline Seka.
All three: Whoo, oooh, oohhh.
(Song fades, the over 50 trio sit down)
(All three cougars have very deep voices)
Deidre Nicks: Welcome to The Cougar Den. I´m Deidre Nicks and to my left are two of my best friends, Jacqueline and Toni.
Jacqueline and Toni: Hi-i-i.
Deidre Nicks: Now, we met at a Boz Scaggs concert as you know. It seems like 30 years ago.
Toni Ward: Because it has.
Deidre Nicks: So, what did you do this weekend Jacqueline?
Jacqueline Seka: The usual, I hung out at David and Busters near the “Dance, Dance Revolution” game where I met Toshiro.
Deidre Nicks: How did it go?
Jacqueline Seka: Great. I met Toshiro, a 19 year old from the island of Japan.
Deidre Nicks: How´s that going?
Jacqueline Seka: He´s smart, very focused in bed and unfortunately looks better in my skinny jeans than I do.
Toni Ward: Come on, Jackie. You know you can rock out a skinny jean.
Jacqueline Seka: Deidre, you didn´t tell me you got a new ankle tat.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, I didn´t. I broke a spider vein when I hit the brakes too hard in my Miata. I thought I saw the Jonas Brothers outside Big Berry. Bellini break!
Jacqueline Seka: Bellini break!
Toni Ward: Bellini break!
(They pick up their drinks and toast)
Deidre Nicks: Cheers.
Jacqueline Seka: Cheers.
Toni Ward: Cheers.
(They drink)
Jacqueline Seka: I think the champagne in this Bellini is flat.
Deidre Nicks: It taste flat, it does.
Toni Ward: Is the champagne flat, Kenneth?
Deidre Nicks: Kenneth, Kenneth, why is the champagne flat?
Jacqueline Seka: Is it flat?
Toni Ward: Why is it flat?
(Kenneth is an old black man with gray hair and mustache. He´s the show´s director, headphones on, clipboard on hand)
Kenneth: (angry) It’s flat because you opened it at 9:00 a.m. this morning! (turns his back)
All: Thank you, Kenneth.
Deidre Nicks: Well, our first guest is our good friend and our favorite little Cuban cougar, Kiki Deamore!
(Latin music beat plays. Cougar roars. Kiki comes out with her big ass and wild blonde hair. She dances and bumps hips with Toni a few times. Music fades, they sit down)
Kiki Deamore: Hola chicas! Como estan?
Deidre Nicks: Oh, you look great Kiki.
Kiki Deamore: Gracias.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, what have you done? Did you take your butt fat and inject it into your lips?
Kiki Deamore: No. I am wearing a new make-up. Its for the cougars. Its called “Hide your face”.
Toni Ward: I need that.
Kiki Deamore: And you put it on with this little shovel. (Opens compact and demonstrates how to apply) The spackle, you put it all on.
Jacqueline Seka: Okay.
Deidre Nicks: Yeah.
Toni Ward: I need that. I need it.
Kiki Deamore: But you know, you don´t put it on–you got to be very careful ok, because you can´t get it in your eyes, your nose or your mouths.
Deidre Nicks: Oh, yeah.
Kiki Deamore: Its very toxic.
Jacqueline Seka: So basically….basically, everywhere in your face.
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Kiki Deamore: Si.
Deidre Nicks: Well, that sounds great. Kiki, Kiki, I hear you have a new bag of cougar nip?
Kiki Deamore: Yes, I do. He´s in a band.
Deidre Nicks: Ah, he´s in a band? Oh, let´s bring him out. Let´s welcome this boy, Madison.
(Latin beat plays, cougars dance with difficulty. Enters Emo Madison, all dressed in black, black glove, black hair, head hanging down low, sits next to Kiki who is all over him)
Kiki Deamore: He´s so cute! Darling, purr for me! Purr, come on, darling purr, purr, come on darling! purrr-r-r.
(Madison eyes closed just blows air flapping his lips a little)
Kiki Deamore: Oh, see, he´s so cute!
Jacqueline Seka: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: Adorable.
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: So, Madison what is the name of your band?
Madison: We´re called “Edge of Confusion”.
Jacqueline Seka: I get that, I get that.
Toni Ward: Edgy, edgy.
Deidre Nicks: Take your shirt off.
Toni Ward: So, Madison do you sing songs about secretly wanting to see older women in their shapewear?
Madison: No. Most of my songs are about staying out of my room, not standing outside the door of my room and not texting me if I´ve been in my room for a very long time. I also got one song about how dorky archery is.
Deidre Nicks: Sure, it makes sense. Would you like to sing one?
(Madison gets up and sings his semi-punk rock tune)
Madison:(sings) Hey, mom! Get out…of my…bedroom…I need… some space(Cougars dance robotically to the punkish beat) to triangulate my misplaced emotionality! (Kiki dances some) My dreams…dark box (Kenneth looks surprised) Dad screams…botox…about…leaving…this cage and flying very, very far away.
(tune ends, Madison sits)
All: Wow!
Jacqueline Seka: This lyrics, gave me chills.
Madison: Thank you very much.
Toni Ward: You have an Eddie Money sound.
Madison: I have no idea what that means.
Deidre Nicks: So, how did you guys meet?
Kiki Deamore: At “Urban Outfitters”.
Madison: I was buying a belt.
Kiki Deamore: And I was following him.
Deidre Nicks: So, Madison, what do you feel is most important in a relationship?
Madison: Well, some of my friends are like, you know, there has to be a spiritual connection but I´m all about the sex.
All: Re-e-eally?
(The three cougars cross their legs at the same time)
Kiki Deamore: He has a lot of stamina in bed.
Toni Ward: What´s your secret?
Madison: I´m young.
Deidre Nicks: Yeah, yeah…
Toni Ward: Yeah.
Deidre Nicks: That´s good. You know what I´ve just read in “More” magazine? A woman´s sexual peak is when she´s in her 50´s. Have you heard that Kenneth?
Toni Ward: Kenneth?
Kenneth: It may be the sexual peak but it is definitely the beauty trench.
(Looks back and forth between the cougars and Kenneth)
Jacqueline Seka: So, Madison are there any more hot peeps in your band?
Madison: There´s four of us.
Kiki Deamore: There´s cuatro. Muy caliente! Yi, yi, yi, yi! (shakes her boobs)
Jacqueline Seka: Say I knew somebody who had some money from a third marriage and she wanted to back your band. Would maybe your drummer be interested in a strings-attached relationship?
Madison: What do she looks like?
Jacqueline Seka: How do I put this? She looks like me.
Madison: You mind if I take a closer look?
Jacqueline Seka: Not at all.
(Madison barely moves from his chair)
Madison: Nope.
Deidre Nicks: Xanax break! Xanax break.
(takes pills, shares them with the cougars)
Toni Ward: To feeling dead inside.
Deidre Nicks: To not feeling feely, to not feeling feely. Madison? Xanax?
Madison: No.
Kiki Deamore: I´ll take his.
(Deidre throws a handful to Kiki and she gobbles them up)
Madison: You know, there´s one thing I super-love about older women.
Deidre Nicks: Tell us.
Toni Ward: Tell us.
Jacqueline Seka: I´m listening.
Madison: Well, I´m freaky this way but I love a big old pair of saggy boobies.
(Makes hand gestures like he´s fondling big saggy boobies)
Deidre Nicks: Join us next week when Hulk Hogan´s wife will be showing us how to make brownies with brandy.
Bill Hader…..Department Head Jason Sudeikis…..Aide Agent 420…..James Franco Dancer…..Kristen Wiig Dr. Huang…..Fred Armisen Guard 1…..Will Forte Guard 2…..Andy Samberg
[ open on exterior, MI6 Secret Intelligence Service ]
[ dissolve to interior, Department Head’s office ]
Department Head: So, our worst fears have been realized?
Aide: I’m afraid so. It appears Dr. Huang has pointed a high-intensity laser-ray directly at the new Extel communications satellite.
Department Head: If he takes out that satellite, it would cripple the world finiancial market. Dozens, maybe hundreds, of banks would shut down.
Aide: Impossible!!
Department Head: The market could be down 500 points one day, then up 300 the next.
Aide: Good God!!
Department Head: We’re talking total financial chaos. There’s only one man for this job. Get me 007!
[ “James Bond Theme” sting ]
Aide: He’s busy.
Department Head: Oh. Uhhhh… then, get me 008.
Aide: He’s busy, too.
Department Head: 09?
Aide: His wife just had a baby.
Department Head: What about 103?
Aide: All the 100’s are at Six Flags for a corporate retreat.
Department Head: 200’s?
Aide: Nope!
Department Head: 300’s?
Aide: Jammed.
Department Head: Then, who’s left?
Aide: We have one agent on loan from Langley. They call him… Agent 420.
Voice: You called?
[ cut to Agent 420’s clean-cut shoes. Fast pan up his clean-cut tuxedo, until we reach his head, which is covered in long, blond hair and a headband. He blows a stream of pot smoke from his mouth and chokes.]
Agent 420: So…
[ dissolve to opening credits ]
Dancer: [ singing ] “Agent 420 Smoking guns by the plenty He’s a master of spying Blazing knobs [?] ’til he’s flying! There’s a skunky cloud in the air ‘Cause it’s always 4:20 somewherrrrre Always 4:20 Always 4:20…”
[ dissolve back to Department Head’s office ]
Department Head: Alright, sport-monkey. There’s a laser-ray threatening to destroy the satellite in space that controls ALL communications.
Agent 420: Wait, wait… dude… hold on. [ he snickers ] There’s a satellite in space that controls communication? Whoa! You’re blowing my mind!
Department Head: Right. Uh, the good news is we think we know the exact location of Dr. Huang’s laser. It’s here. [ he taps that portion of the desk map ]
Agent 420: The table?
Department Head: No, this is a map.
Agent 420: Oh. The laser’s in the map.
Department Head: No, no, no. Look where I’m pointing, right here.
Agent 420: Oh, the laser’s in your finger.
Department Head: No, no! It’s located at this point on Earth!
Agent 420: Oh. Oh! Gotcha! [ a beat ] Wait… what?
Department Head: Just get to Dr. Huang’s secret lair and dismantle the laser, okay? [ Agent 420 nods ] Here’s a briefcase with al lthe information you need. [ he hands Agent 420 the briefcase ] Just be sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.
Agent 420: Ah, cool. Wait — who do I give it to?
Department Head: No one! Just get moving! Your flight leaves in 0800 hours! Godspeed, Agent 420!
Agent 420: Right! [ he salutes before exiting ]
[ dissolve to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ]
[ dissolve to Agent 420 sitting in an outer office at MI6, with several discarded pizza boxes on a table as he plays with a Slinky ]
[ Department Head enters ]
Department Head: Agent 420! You were supposed to catch an eight o’clock flight!
Agent 420: Uh… no, no, dude, you said, uh… 0800 hours! [ looks at his watch ] I’ve got, like, uh… uh… 792 hours to go.
Department Head: Let’s go, you’ll catch the next one!
Agent 420: Awww, oh, okay. [ he stuffs bags of weed into his pants ]
Department Head: What are you doing?
Agent 420: I gotta crotch my stash, man, get past airport security.
Department Head: 420! [ hands him his briefcase ]
Agent 420: Right! Don’t worry, man, I won’t let you down!
Department Head: Alright. [ Agent 420 exits ] And don’t reveal to anyone that you’re a secret agent!!
[ dissolve again to toy plane cutting a path down past Europe and Africa on a map ]
[ dissolve to a mountain setting, Dr. Huang’s Secret Island ]
[ dissolve to Dr. Huang’s guards dragging Agent 420 through the lair ]
Guard 1: Hey, we caught this guy playing hackeysack outside the lair!
[ they shackle him to a stone wall ]
Guard 2: Yeah! He immediately revealed that he was a secret agent!
Agent 420: Did I say that? I meant, I’m a, uh, uh… the pizza delivery guy!
Guard 1: What should we do, Dr. Huang?
[ Agent 420 snickers loudly ]
Dr. Huang: What is so funny?
Agent 420: I… I just realized that your name is Dr. Wang! [ he laughs ]
Dr. Huang: [ mocking ] Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! But, now — [ he opens Agent 420’s briefcase and pulls out the hackeysack gear ] we have ALL the secrets! [ he laughs nefariously ] Wait! It is just two hackeysacks and a rain stick!
Agent 420: Wait! Wait! Dude, don’t touch that! You don’t know how to use it.
[ Dr. Huang turns the rainstick on its side, as the contents slide in that direction ]
Agent 420: Ohhh. You figured it out. Good work, Dr… Wang! [ he laughs ]
Dr. Huang: That’s it! Activate the laser!
[ the laser, pointed at Agent 420’s crotch, lights up. His weed stash begins to smoke and burn. ]
Guard 2: Hey, what’s that smell?
Guard 1: Is someone burning incense?
Agent 420: No! The laser’s burning my stash!
Dr. Huang: Your what?
[ dissolve to exterior mountain shot, with SUPER: “Dr. Huang’s Secret Island, Five Minutes Later” ]
[ dissolve back to interior lair, as Agent 420, Dr. Huang and his guard stand amid the pot smoke chilling ]
Agent 420: It’s crazy, man… there’s, like, this satellite… in SPACE! And it’s, like, beaming these signals into people’s BRAIN!
[ Dr. Huang and his guards ooh with astonishment ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 20th, 2008 James Franco Kings of Leon None Cameron Diaz Blake Lively Kumail Nanjiani
McCain ApprovesSummary: John McCain (Darrell Hammond) approves of various semi-truthed Barack Obama negative attack ads. Recurring Characters: John McCain. Transcript
Montage
James Franco’s MonologueSummary: New Columbia University freshman James Franco skipped Orientation to host tonight’s show, and his Resident Assistant (Jason Sudeikis) demands an explanation. Bio: James Franco (1978-). Actor; TV work included “Freaks and Geeks” (1999) and the lead role in TV bio-pic “James Dean” (2001); film work includes the role of Harry Osborn in the “Spider-Man” series, and “Pineapple Express” (2008). Transcript
The Cougar DenSummary: Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz) shows off her latest boy-toy, an emo musician (James Franco) to pals Deidre Nicks (Amy Poehler), Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson). Recurring Characters: Deidre Nicks, Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore. Transcript
Agent 420Summary: In the absence of legitimate MI6 operatives, pot-smoking Agent 420 (James Franco) attempts to tackle the notoriously-named Dr. Huang (Fred Armisen). Transcript
O.J. Simpson Jury SelectionSummary: In an attempt to ensure an unbiased jury pool, O.J. Simpson’s (Kenan Thompson) lawyer (Bill Hader) interviews coma victims, aliens, etc. Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While at a party at “Murray Hill”, Sean (James Franco) deliberately tells women about his small ding-dong in hopes of impressing them. Transcript
The LookerSummary: In a new police drama on TNT, Penny Marshall (Fred Armisen) plays an interrogator who can get a confession out of suspects by just staring at them intently. Transcript
Kings of Leon perform “Sex on Fire”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Following Lehman Brothers’ bankruptcy, financially-strapped CEO Richard Fuld (Jason Sudeikis) wears a barrel. American Apparel CEO Dov Charney (Fred Armisen) is oblivious to his sexual harrassment charges. Transcript
New York Times ReportersSummary: Fifty liberal New York Times reporters are assigned to spend six weeks in Alaska digging up whatever dirt they can find on Sarah Palin, but the uppity group is concerned about minor inconveniences such as polar bears and a lack of Thai delivery food in the Land of the Midnight Sun. Transcript
Of Mice and MenSummary: In an alternate ending to the classic John Steinbeck story, Lennie (Bobby Moynihan) is outraged to discover that George (James Franco) has been sugarcoating reality in order to protect him. Transcript
Yankee Stadium StoriesSummary: Martin Scorsese (Fred Armisen) and Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) recall silly memories of Yankee Stadium. Recurring Characters: Martin Scorsese, Rosie Perez. Transcript
Kings of Leon perform “Use Somebody”
James and Willam DafoeSummary: “Spider-man” co-star Willam Dafoe (Bill Hader) orders James Franco to kill Andy Samberg, ostensibly because he’s miffed by the SNL performer’s goofy impression of him. Transcript
Mark Payne….Bobby Moynihan Dan….Kenan Thompson Girlfriend….Amy Poehler Boyfriend….Michael Phelps
[Opens with a shot of Pizzeria Uno. Cut to inside it. A couple share a table]
Girlfriend: I’m so excited to see that Pacino-DeNiro movie.
Boyfriend: Me too.
Girlfriend: Are you disappointed we’re not seeing “The Women”?
Boyfriend: I’ll go see it with my guy friends.
Girlfriend: Yeah, excuse me.[She stops a man walking by with an apron] Are you our waiter? We’re kind of in a hurry.
Dan: Oh, no. I’m not your waiter. I’m the assistant manager.
[In walks a guy with a do-rag, he plays with two strips of cloth that come from it. He talks with some southern gayness]
Mark Payne: Dan, are you harassing my table?
Dan: No. They just asked me where you were.
Mark Payne: Well then, tell them I’m standing right here.
Dan: He’s right here. [leaves]
Mark Payne: Good evening. How are y’all—oooh! Do you smell that? It smells like pepper up in here. Straight up. It smells like somebody put a big ‘ol pile of pepper in the middle of the room then sprayed that mess with hairspray a lit that junk on fire. It smells like a pepper inferno up in this piece! Oooh!
Girlfriend: We’re ready to order.
Mark Payne: Oh, me too!
Girlfriend: What? I don’t—
Mark Payne:[clears throat] Hey, my name is Mark Payne and I will not be your server tonight. Straight up. I will be your everything, girl. Ok? I will not be your waiter because Mark Payne does not wait. I will not be your server because Mark Payne don’t serve nobody but the Lord Jesus Christ.[Claps his hands above his head] OK, you heard?
Girlfriend: Well, that’s great. We’re kind of in a rush. We got tickets to go see a movie at ten.
Mark Payne: Well, let’s get down to brass tacks. We got over 4 different flavors of soda. Can you believe that? We got brown ones and sure enough we got clear ones. OK?
Girlfriend: I’ll have a Diet Coke.
Mark Payne: I ain’t gonna get you no soda. No, I’m gonna get you a water. Because soda is bad for your weak ass teeth. And water is just right over here. Straight up. So close you can almost wave to it.[Brings pitcher of water] Here you go. Drink that with your mouth. I’ll be back in 3 blinks of a lamb’s eye.[leaves]
Girlfriend: Can’t we eat at Ruby Tuesday’s? Its right next door.
Boyfriend: Let’s just stay here.
Girlfriend: We’ve been here 45 minutes.
Boyfriend: I have a coupon.[takes out coupon]
Girlfriend: You didn’t tell me that…
Boyfriend: It was suppose to be a surprise.
[Mark returns]
Mark Payne: Ooooohhh! How do you not smell that pepper?! Straight up! Can I ask you a secret? Is your smeller broke? Because it is overwhelming the smell of pepper up in here! Its like someone hit me over the head with a lead pipe and then dragged me into an establishment that only sells two things–pepper and a fan to blow that pepper around the room. Its blowing around the room like that bag from that movie. Oh, my God, you know that famous bag? Oh, my God girl. That bag was amazing.
Boyfriend: We’re ready to order now.
Mark Payne: So, can I get you some cheese sticks? Because if you like cheese you will enjoy them. Because they are 99% cheese and if you don’t like cheese then I suggest you eat a bowl of hair because you are a dummy.
Girlfriend: We’re gonna go to Ruby Tuesday’s.
Boyfriend: And then we’re gonna see “The Women”.
Mark Payne: Oh, what’s wrong? Is it the pepper smell? You ain’t go to worry about pepper. Pepper ain’t never killed nobody.
Girlfriend: No, its not the pepper. Its—
Mark Payne: Oh, what’s that? Oh, I see what’s going on…oh, so its me? Is that it? So, you are trying to tell me that if you threw a party and invited everyone that you knew, that you wouldn’t see the greatest gift would be from me and the card attached wouldn’t say “thanks for being a friend?”
Girlfriend: That’s from “The Golden Girls”.
Mark Payne: How do you not smell that pepper?! Its like the pepper monster from “Lost” left the island and made a beeline straight up into this Pizzeri-a Uno!
Girlfriend: Lets just go see “The Women”.
Boyfriend: Yes.
Mark Payne: Y’all got a cell phone? Call up Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt and tell them we got a class 5 pepper twister on our hands! Ok?[The couple leave] Where you going? Its an old reference but it still holds up. Oh, snap![grabs his head] Yo’, I left my kid on the bus![leaves but returns to the table] Ooohh! You did not leave a tip![leaves again]
Michael….Jason Sudeikis Derrick….Michael Phelps Amanda….Kristen Wiig Derrick’s sister….Casey Wilson
[Opens with a house at night. Cut into the dining room. They’ve finished dinner. A couple of teens sit at the table with their parents. Dad reads a paper]
Mom: So, did you kids pick who’s gonna be in your five?
Derrick’s Sister: I picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny.
Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and Jenny. Your friends are hot.
Derrick’s Sister: Mom? Dad? Are you gonna do anything?
Dad:[being sly] Well, maybe you shouldn’t have such hot friends.
[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Who’s in your five? Introducing my faves for families.
[Back to the table]
Mom:[troubled] I’m sorry. What did you just say? You think her friends are hot?
Dad:[off guard] No, I…, I mean, you know, come on. They’re attractive young women.
Mom: Oh, so you’re attracted to them?
Dad: I didn’t say I was attracted to them. I just said that they were attractive.
Mom: Michael, these are fifteen year old girls!
Dad:[angry] What are you implying?!
[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Each person gets an unlimited number of calls to any five people. That’s right. All the calls you want to make.
[Back at the table. Later at night, kids gone]
Dad: Jeez Amanda! Its like you think I’m some kind of sicko!
Mom: What am I suppose to think? You think girls our daughter’s age are sexy?
Dad: What would you know about sexy? Huh? I mean, you’ve been so cold to me. So cold to my touch for so long.
[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: That goes to any number. Even land lines.
[Back at the table. Michael and Amanda resume their tense discussion]
Dad: Well, you know, at least they ask me how my day went.
Mom: What? So, you’ve been talking to them?[uncomfortable silence] Have you? [another uncomfortable silence] Michael, who’s in your five?
Dad: Um, Stacey, Beth, Ashley, Rachel and now Jenny.
[Sticks his head out the door into the dining room]
Derrick: That’s funny. I also picked Stacey, Beth,—
Mom: Not now!
Dad: DERRICK, GET OUT OF HERE!
[cut to T-Mobile. Stick Together]
Announcer: Only $39.99 a month and if you act now you’ll get 10,000 free messages with unlimited minutes on nights and weekends.
[Cut to dining room. Kids are bummed out. Michael has a suitcase. Amanda has her back to him]
Dad: If anyone needs me I’ll be at the Travelodge.
Alien…..Andy Samberg Extras…..Casey Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Michael Phelps
[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]
Alien: Reach for the stars! Woah! Yeah!
You stand on a distant planet Skyline of red plateaus Strange air and vegetation You’re a Winner! Welcome to the Space Olympics The year 3022 Take part in a grand tradition Your name echoes in the halls of the universe!
Oh ho ho! Yeah yeah! Believe in yourself! Take your game into outer space!
Every single galactic athlete Needs a coded ID badge Drug tests are mandatory You’re a Winner! the athletes village is on zargon You all get a junior suite We don’t cover incidentals So keep your ass out the minibar!
You’re the best in the world! Brace yourself cause there’s no gravity! You’re in the mother(bleep)in’ Space Olympics! Yeeeeeaaaaaah!
Let it be known by every nation You’ll only get one meal a day There was a bit of a budget snafu And food funding is insuffcient We can’t really enforce the curfew As there is no light or sound Just one of the many problems With hosting a sporting event in space
Announcer: Attention all athletes There are minor scheduling adjustments
Alien: Space Disk Is totally cancelled Space Swords Is totally cancelled Space Luge Is also canceled And all are events are pending
Welcome to your Space Olympics All the oxygen has run out And someone who will not be named Accidently hit Self Destruct As you file to your escape pods I’ll distract the alien hordes And as I stare death in the face I know my sins will take me to Hell
You do it for the love My love And there ain’t no woman that can take your spot, my love.”
Host…..Jason Sudeikis Craig…..Kenan Thompson Rachel…..Casey Wilson Jim…..Bobby Moynihan Zachariah…..Will Forte Zarayah…..Amy Poeler Zebadiah…..Michael Phelps Mrs. Jasper…..Kristen Wiig
Host: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Bowl. We’re about to start round two, but before we do, let’s get to know our contestants. First is the team from Richmond High.
Craig: Hi. I’m Craig.
Rachel: I’m Rachel.
Jim: And I’m excited. Nah, just joking. I’m Jim. Go bulldogs!
Host: Alright, next we have the Jasper family from the Brethren of Ezekiel Compound.
Zachariah: Hi I’m Zachariah.
Zaraya: I’m Zeraya.
Zebediah: And I’m Zebediah.
All Jaspers: We’re home schooled.
Host: Ah, that’s just great. Now the Jasper family dominated in the first round…spelling, to take a one hundred and sixty point lead. Let’s see if Richmond can turn it around in our second round…the topic…biology. Alright…for ten points… during ovulation, the egg passes through what tubes?
Rachel: Fallopian.
Host: Right. Next question. What two things can be found in the nucleus of the atom?
Zachariah: Jesus and Angels?
Host: No, we were actually looking for neutrons and protons. Alright. What substance in your body transfers oxygen from your lungs to your body?
Zebediah: Tiny gremlins?
Host: Wow, uh, no.
Ms. Jasper: Yes it is. Tiny gremlins, there’s tiny gremlins in our bodies. I’ve seen them in my microscope.
Host: Ms. Jasper, I asked you to stay with the other mothers.
Ms. Jasper: Tiny gremlins.
Host: Okay, we’ll get away from science here…Richmond, I encourage you to get to your buzzers quicker…Alright, how bout history? What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil? Jasper family.
Zarayah: The dinosaur caveman war?
Host: Uh, no.
Ms. Jasper: Yes, it was.
Host: No, it’s not.
Ms. Jasper: Okay, then where are all of the dinosaurs, huh? They’re dead ’cause the cavemen killed them and then they built the White House.
Host: Okay, Ms. Jasper. Ms. Jasper, please leave.
Ms. Jasper: The St. Louis Arcj is a giant magnet.
Host: Okay, can we try to keep her away from here?
Ms. Jasper: It’s pulling us.
Host: Alright, that’s a free steal for Richmond. What was the last international war fought on U.S. soil?
(Richmond students huddle)
Jim: I believe it was the dinosaur neanderthal war.
Host: No, no! What are you, home schooled too?
Jim: Uh, no, we go to public school.
Host: Alright, let’s just do this…Let’s go to the lightning round instead. What force discovered by Isaac Newton causes objects to fall at a unified rate?
Zebediah: Lack of faith?
Host: No, no, wrong. It’s gravity. What triggered World War One?
Zaraya: Boys and Girls swimming together?
Host: No, it’s the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. (to Richmond) You guys can jump in anytime here. Okay, what ingredient causes bread to rise?
Zachariah: Swear words.
Host: What?
Zachariah: Swear words.
Host: No, it’s yeast. Richmond, guys, come on! Yeast…doesn’t ring a bell? No? Okay. What religious holiday is celebrated for eight days and eight nights?
All Jaspers: Chi Chi Mon Greenus.
Host: Chi Chi Mon Greenus? Okay…what do you do on Chi Chi Mon Greeenus?
Ms. Jasper: You study spelling.
Host: Okay. Ding ding ding. That means we are out of time. The final score is Richmond – 20. Jasper family – 80. But don’t worry Jasper family, you won’t be going home empty handed. You won’t be going home at all. Social Services is waiting outside with orders from multiple judges to take you away. And that’s all for Quiz Bowl. See you next time.
A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton Written by: Seth Meyers, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
[ open on art card ]
Announcer: And now, a nonpartisan message from Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillaty Clinton.
[ dissolve to Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton standing behind a podium together ]
Sarah Palin: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.
Hillary Clinton: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.
Sarah Palin: Now, I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain’s running mate…
Hillary Clinton: And me being a fervent supportor of Senator Barack Obama — as evidenced by this button. [ she touches a campaign button pinned to her lapel ]
Sarah Palin: But, tonight, we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.
Hillary Clinton: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.
Sarah Palin: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everythi —
Hillary Clinton: [ cutting in ] ON ANYTHING!! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!
Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.
Sarah Palin: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer!
Hillary Clinton: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.
Sarah Palin: [ laughs ] I don’t know what that is!
Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!
Sarah Palin: Don’t refer to me as a MILF!
Hillary Clinton: Don’t refer to me as a “flurge” — I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!
Sarah Palin: Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us! Like “pretty”, “attractive”, “beautiful”…
Hillary Clinton: “Harpy”, “shrew”, and “boner shrinker”.
Sarah Palin: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska:
Hillary Clinton: Oh, boy…
Sarah Palin: “What’s the difference…”
Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!
Sarah Palin: “…between a hockey mom…”
Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!
Sarah Palin: “…and a pitbull?”
Hillary Clinton: Lipstick!
Sarah Palin: [ a beat ] “Lipstick”.
Hillary Clinton: There you go.
Sarah Palin: Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House… and me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?
Hillary Clinton: [ forcing a hard smile ] I cannot!
Sarah Palin: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House!
Hillary Clinton: No-o-o-o!! Mine!! It’s supposed to be mine!! I’m sorry, I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President! I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman!
[ as Clinton rambles, Palin waves to her supporters like a beauty queen, offers a side profile of her bust, poses as thouh cocking a rifle ]
Hillary Clinton: And I-I-I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses!
Sarah Palin: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President!
Hillary Clinton: Anyone! Anyone! Anyone! [ she laughs maniacally ]
Sarah Palin: All you have to do is want it.
Hillary Clinton: [ laughs maniacally ] Yeah! You know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more! [ she laughs maniacally and rips off a piece of the podium ]
Sarah Palin: So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.
Hillary Clinton: Although it is never sexist to question female politicians’ credentials. [ acknowledging Palin ] Please ask, this one about dinosaurs. In conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And, if you can’t, I will lend you mine.
Sarah Palin: And, as we say in Alaska…
Hillary Clinton: We say it everywhere…
Together: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!!”
[ She say he so sweet make her wanna lick the rapper So I letta lick the rapper ]
Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop She say I ….. like a lollipop
Shawty wanna thug bottles in the club shawty wanna hump and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Shawty wanna thug bottles in the club shawty wanna hump and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Okay, lil mama had a swag like mine even wear her hair down her back like mine i make her feel right when its wrong like lyin Man, she ain never had a love like mine n’ man I aint never seen a ass like hers and that pussy in my mouth had me at a loss fo words told her to back it up like erp erp and make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp and thats when she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop ( oh yeah I like that ) she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop ( oh yeah I like that ) she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop ( oh yeah I like that ) shawty I lo-lo-lookin like a lollipop ( oh yeah I like that )
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that ) and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that ) and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Shawty said the nigga that she with aint shit Shawty said the nigga that she with aint this Shawty said the nigga that she with cant hit And shawty ima hit it(hit it) like I cant miss And I cant do this and I dont do that shawty needa a refund needa bring that nigga back this trypa refund; I tell her bring that ass back and she bring that ass back (she bring that ass back)
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop Wanna lick the rapper So I letta lick the rapper Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that ) and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop Wanna lick the rapper So I letta lick the rapper Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that ) shawty wanna hump( oh yeah I like that ) and ooo I like to touch ya lovely lady lumps
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Shawty wanna thug( oh yeah I like that ) bottles in the club( oh yeah I like that )
I get her on top she drop it like it hot and when im on the bottom she hit the very bottom then we in the bed givin gettin head ( givin gettin hed givin gettin head ) Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya Call me so I can make it juicy for ya call me so I can do it juicy for ya
Shawty say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop She say I lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-look like a lollipop Wanna lick the rapper So I letta lick the rapper.
Air Date:
