Michael Phelps: Ladies and gentlemen — Lil Wayne, with T-Pain.
Lil Wayne: I need a Winn-Dixie Grocery bag full of money Right now to the VIP section (wosh, wosh, wosh) You got Young Mula In the house tonight baby Yeah!! Yeah! Young! Young! (wosh) Young! (wosh) Young! (wosh) Young Mula Baby!
Lil Wayne & T-Pain: Got money (yeah) And you know it Take it out your pocket and show it (then) Throw it (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way if you gettin’ mug From everybody who see that Hang over the wall of the VIP Like (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way
Lil Wayne: Now I was bouncing through the club She loved the way I did it but I see her boyfriend hatin’ like a city cop Now I ain’t never been a chicken but my fitty cocked Say I ain’t never been a chicken but my semi cocked Now where your bar at? I’m tryna rent it out And we so bout it bout it Now what are you about? DJ show me love He say my name when the music stop Young Money Lil Wayne Then the music drop I make it snow I make it flurry I make it out back tomorrow don’t worry Yeah Young Wayne on them hoes A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes (Young Money)
Lil Wayne & T-Pain: Got money (yeah) And you know it Take it out your pocket and show it (then) Throw it (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way if you Gettin’ mug From everybody who see that Hang over the wall of the VIP Like (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way
Lil Wayne: (Streets) Here we go one for the money Two for the show Now clap your hands if you got a bank roll Like some clap on lights in this bitch Ima be clapping all night In this bitch (uhh hun) Lights off (uhh hun) Masks on (uhh hun) Creep Silent (uhh hun) She smiling (yeah) He muggin’ Who cares, cause my goons are right here Aye Its nothin to a big dog And I’m a Great Dane I wear eight chains I mean so much ice They yell skate Wayne! She wanna f**k Weezy But she wanna rape wayne (uhh hun)
Lil Wayne & T-Pain: Got money (yeah) And you know it Take it out your pocket and show it (then) Throw it (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way if you Gettin’ mug From everybody who see that Hang over the wall of the VIP Like..
Lil Wayne: Okay, It’s Young Wayne on them hoes A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes Like ehhhh! Everybody say Mr. Rain man Can we have a rainy day? Bring a umbrella Please bring a umbrella Ella, ella, ella ehhh! Bitch ain’t shit but a hoe in a trick Bet you no one ain’t trick if you got it You know we ain’t f**king if you not thick And I cool your ass down if you think you’re hot shit So rolex watch this I do it 4 5 6 my click Clap goes the black fo’ fifth And just like it I blow that shit Cause bitch I’m the bomb like Tick tick Yeah!!
Lil Wayne & T-Pain: Got money (yeah) And you know it Take it out your pocket and show it (then) Throw it (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way if you Gettin’ mug From everybody who see that Hang over the wall of the VIP Like (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way (fly) This a way (fly) Thata way
Lil Wayne: Yeah It’s Young Wayne on them hoes A.K.A. Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes Yeah Young Wayne on them hoes Make a stripper fall in love T-Pain on them hoes Aha!”
…..Michael Phelps Michael’s Mom…..Amy Poehler Male Audience Member…..Will Forte …..William Shatner …..Debbie Phelps
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Phelps!
Michael Phelps: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s so great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” — uh, this seriously is, like, the ninth greatest moment of my life.
Voice: Whoo!!
[ cut to Michael’s Mom in the audience, waving a pair of small American flags ]
Michael’s Mom: Yeah! Good job, Michael!! Whoo!!
Michael Phelps: For those of you who don’t know, uh — I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person to appear on NBC for 390 consecutive hours.
Michael’s Mom: [ laughing hysterically ] That’s my boy!! That’s my son up there!! Whoo!!
Michael Phelps: Relax, Mom… come on.
Michael’s Mom: What?! A mom can’t be proud of her son?! [ turns to the woman seated next to her ] Do you have children? And how many of them have gold medals?
Michael Phelps: MOM!!
Michael’s Mom: I’m sorry, keep going! You’re in the zone!!
Michael Phelps: Also, I’m very proud to announce that I’m going to be a BIG part of NBC’s Fall schedule, uh — so don’t miss me in the new cop drama: “Swim Cop”.
[ cut to title card ]
Uh — if you commit a crime — and that crime is in the water — you’re gonna have to deal with me. I’ve also been getting a lot of endorsement offers, and… I do realzie how important it is to choose the right kind of products for your image.
Male Audience Member: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?
Michael Phelps: Uh — yes? You have a question?
Male Audience Member: I do, uh — you mentioned endorsements, and I do believe that I have the PERFECT product for the Michael Phelps name.
Michael Phelps: Well… I don’t think now is the best time.
Male Audience Member: [ holding box up ] It’s “My First Meth Lab”! It’s the only meth lab kit on the market that is specifically marketed to pre-teens. [ turns box around ] I’ve already put your face on the box!
Michael Phelps: Wow, uh — I would NOT want to endorse stuff like that, I don’t care HOW much you paid me.
Male Audience Member: Pay you? [ chuckles at the thought ]
Michael Phelps: Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. [ to the audience ] See, that’s a good example of a product I should NOT endorse. I’m looking for endorsements that make sense for someone like me.
William Shatner stands in the audience ]
William Shatner: Yeah, yeah, it’s TRUE! You can’t be too careful!
[ the audience cheers ]
Michael Phelps: William Shatner! What are you doing here?
William Shatner: Michael, I’m here to give you some advice! Nothing is more important than integrity! You earned your integrity in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine! So, you must be vigilant! We can’t just throw our face on any second-rate product, we have to SAVE ourselves… for the high-end brands! Brands like, uh — [ stares into the camera ] Priceline! I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it!
Michael Phelps: Are you — are you just here to talk about Priceline?
William Shatner: No, no, no! I would never do that! And you know why I would never do that? Integrity! [ stares into camera ] And Priceline!
Michael Phelps: Thank you. Uh — we have a great show for you tonight. Mom, are you excited?
Michael’s Mom: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Michael Phelps: And how about you, Mom?
[ cut to Debbie Phelps, Michael’s real mom, who hugs her doppleganger as the audience cheers ]
Michael Phelps: Well, we have a great show tonight — Lil Wayne is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.
[Opens with a demoralized swimming team in blue tracksuits entering their locker room. They sit on a bench, some sit on the floor. The coach enters behind them, mustache, clipboard in his hands]
Coach: All right, listen up, listen up! Now I know this season has not been what we had hoped. Yes, we lost every single swim meet that we participated in, all your scholarships have been revoked and we’ve had two deaths by drowning. Hey, but look guys this is our last meet and I think if we give it our all we can win this thing.
Michael Phillips: Coach, can I address the team?
Coach: Yeah, go ahead Phillips. Gentlemen, your team captain, Michael Phillips.
Michael Phillips: I don’t know guys. I just don’t think if I’m cut out for this whole swimming thing. I mean, I just picture myself on that starting block and I got so scared that I thought I fudged my Speedo.
Coach: Oh, hey, hey, hey. That is nothing to be ashamed of Phillips. I soil my pants everyday, ok? With me is not a fear thing, is more of an illness. I’m just saying I can relate. But there’s no reason to be scared of this guys, ok? You’re all the same. You’re just people, ok? Y’all put your clothes on one leg at a time. One arm at a time for shirts. Hats, you just put them up there on top of your heads. Well, you guys know how to put on hats, huh? The point is you can do this and anyone in here that doesn’t think they can, there’s the door.
Michael Phillips: Lets get out of here.
[The swimming team get up to leave]
Coach: Oh, hey, hold on! You come back here![throws clipboard to the floor]Hit the pine,[points to the bench] hit the pine. [Swimming team comes back] Look, I know is tempting to give up. Heck, sometimes the thought even crosses my mind, huh? Well, when it does there’s one thing that always brings me back.[takes a cassette from his pocket and shakes it in front of them]Its a song my father gave me. But its not just any song, ok? See, this is a song played over the loudspeakers as he and his military brethren were about to land in Korea to participate on the battle of Inchon, ok, were they scared? You bet your nose-plugs they were scared, huh? But after hearing this song–it so fired them up,that they won that battle and together changed the course of history. And all I’m asking of you is to listen to this song once and then decide if you want to run away like cowards or if you want to stay here and swim like champions. Champions.
[Coach goes over to a radio and pops cassette in. Song begins. Coach is taking the song in. Song is traveling through him. The team looks at him kind of stunned. Coach starts smiling and starts dancing out of pure joy, dancing and more dancing. Coach dances on one leg. Does a big wave with his hands and makes baby-steps a few times]
Song: Fancy pants![coach points at his pants], Fancy Pants![points again], Fancy Pants![points again] Fancy Pants!, Fancy Pants! Fancy Pants!
Coach: Ahh, can you FEEL IT!
Michael Phillips: I can feel it coach!
[Michael gets up and starts dancing with the coach locked arm in arm. Pinch their noses and make like they’re drowning, bump playfully their hips, swim like they’re underwater]
Coach: Ah, now who is ready to kick some buns?!!
Michael Phillips: USA! USA! USA![goes back out to the pool, Coach follows]
[ return from commercial to bumper memorializing Bernie Brillstein ]
[ fade to black ]
[ fade up on Michael Phelps and the cast ]
Michael Phelps: Thanks to Lil Wayne and Tina Fey, William Shatner, and Jared Fogel. Thanks to my mom! I love you guys for coming. Have a good Saturday!
…..Michael Phelps …..Jared Fogle Diet guy….Will Forte Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]
Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?
[Girl nods yes]
[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]
Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?
[They guy nods yes]
Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.
[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]
Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]
[Cut to the Diet guy]
Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?
Diet guy: I sure am.
[Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]
Diet guy: Wow!
Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?
[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]
Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]
Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!
Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.
Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.
Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.
Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.
[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]
[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]
[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]
[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]
Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.
[cut to diet guy]
Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before!
[Michael gets next to him]
Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.
Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]
[cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]
Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!
Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ]
[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]
Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!
Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?
Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet!
[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]
Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 13th, 2008 Michael Phelps Lil Wayne None Tina Fey William Shatner Debbie Phelps Jared Fogel None
A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another. Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom. Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games. Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike. Transcript
Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High. Transcript
Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide. Transcript
Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”. Recurring Characters: Coach. Transcript
Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps). Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life. Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.
The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care. Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.
T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”. Transcript
Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler). Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.
The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.
Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Larry King.
Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.
Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.
Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-third season on September 29th, 2007 with no changes in store. Even Maya Rudolph, whom many had suspected was leaving when last season’s finale practically served as her swan song, returned with the rest of the now-static cast. The catalyst for change, however, would lie in the Writer’s Guild of America strike, which promptly put the season on hold after only four episodes. Although writer’s strikes had either interrupted seasons or brought them to an early end in the past, this was the first to inflict itself so early into the season, leaving many to wonder if this would be “SNL”‘s shortest season ever. After roughly fourteen weeks, the Writer’s Guild strike was resolved and “SNL” finally returned to air on February 23rd, 2008, with former head writer-turned-actress Tina Fey on-deck to host. For the first time in thirty-two years, the cast would perform four live shows in a row, a routine that had exhausted the original cast when they did so twice in the first season. Noticably absent from the first post-strike episode was Rudolph, who had decided not to renew her contract in the interim. Taking her place as a featured performer is Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre veteran, Casey Wilson.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Sen. John McCain Rev. Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president.
It’s believed that Edwards’ endorsement of Sen. Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote.
A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court, on Thursday, overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state’s mesh tuxedo industry.
Seth Meyers: [ show photo of Paterson hunched over a bill ] This week, New York State Governor David Paterson signed into law the new Studio 54 bill.
John Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week when he was the last person in town to shout: “Not it!”
Amy Poehler: According to a new report by the Energy Department, wind turbines can produce a fifth of the nation’s annual electricity needs within about two decades. Which could drastically reduce our dependence on foreign wind.
Seth Meyers: While the battle for the Democratic nomination rages on, the Republican party settled on their nominee months ago. Here now with a message to voters, that nominee — Sen. John McCain!
Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth… Amy. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking Republican voters. We’re gearing up for one of the most pivitol elections in this nation’s history, and I’m honored to be part of it. But I also want to speak to Democrats. I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue. But I also believe we respect one another. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice: Democrats, I have to urge you to NOT, under any circumstances, pick a candidate too soon. [ he grins ]
Seth Meyers: [ slightly confused ] Oh. Oh, so you don’t think Hillary should drop out?
Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.
Amy Poehler: I told you.
Seth Meyers: Cool it!
Amy Poehler: You cool it!
Sen. John McCain: [ smugly ] That’s right — fight amongst yourselves.
Seth Meyers: [ taken aback ] What – what — what did you say?
Sen. John McCain: Nothing. [ he shakes his head ] But what I want to say to the Democrats is this: you have two incredibly talented candidates. Why not take every possible second to weigh each of their pros and cons? For all you know, there are a bunch of cons you don’t even know about yet. Cons that won’t reveal themselves should you choose a candidate too early.
Seth Meyers: Well, but of course, the convention is in late August so I guess that would be the deadline.
Sen. John McCain: What’s the rush, Seth? I’d urge Democrats not to get caught up in the idea that the candidate has to be decided by the time the convention ends. I’ve been to a lot of conventions and they are a lot of fun. But when they end, there’s always that empty feeling of, “Oh well, we’ve picked a nominee, I guess the party’s over.” Imagine the excitement of leaving the convention and STILL not knowing who the nominee was? That would be crazy — crazy exciting! And if, come November, you still haven’t decided, I’d be willing to set aside my differences with your party and say: “Hey, let’s put BOTH of them on the ballot!” I’ll support you on that. It’s the least I can do.
In conclusion, I want to add that I also thought John Edwards had a lot of good ideas, and you might want to kick the tires on him one more time. Thank you, and God bless America.
Seth Meyers: Sen. John McCain, everybody! Thanks a lot!
Amy Poehler: President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message! [ show photo of Bush standing in front of “Mission Accomplished” banner ]
Taliban insurgents have ordered residents of a province near Kabul to stop watching television, saying the networks were showing un-Islamic programs. Most notably, the popular Afghani soap opera “The Woman Who Went Outside”.
Seth Meyers: Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday, when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal, though, as Spears was on foot.
According to new research from the U.S. government, heavy marijuana use could reduce blood levels in particular protein, raising a person’s risk of a heart attack or stroke.
Amy Poehler: [ alarmed ] Oh, no!
Seth Meyers: Oh no, don’t panic. The study says you’d have to smoke an average of tne joints a day.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed ] Oh, no!!
Seth Meyers: No. You’d have to smoke the ten joints a day every day for the last twnety years.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed than ever ] Oh, nooooo!!!! [ pauses ] Wait. What are we talking about?
Seth Meyers: Nothing.
Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] Good!
This week, Nintendo launched a new game for the Wii system, called Wii Fit, which is an exercise program that comes with a balance board and features a virtual trainer. And in just twelve weeks, you’ll go from looking like this: [ show tubby fellow ] to looking like this: [ show Mario ]
A Dutch train driver was suspended this week after accidentally leaving on the train’s PA while masturbating. Said the train driver, “I think I can… I think I can… I think I can… I think I can!”
Seth Meyers: With more superdelegates going his way, Barack Obama is poised to clench the Democratic nomination. Here with some advice for Sen. Obama, are the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Whoo-whoo-whoo!! Yes!
Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Tonight, we pause and praise and give thanks… for the opportunity… to address you, Mr. Barack Obama. For 2008, the dream of a Black president seems genuine… actual… and America-factual!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s for real!
Jesse Jackson: But… the Democratic nomination is NOT… a presidential coronation… and rat-a-tat-tat! Uh — last week, 20% of Hillary Clinton voters in West Virginia… said that race was a dominating factor IN their vote!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a disgrace!
Jesse Jackson: Barack Obama, the truth is unfortunate, yet indisputable. This race is inexplicably tied… to race.
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a RACE race!
Jesse Jackson: Yes, sir. Embrace your race… for you cannot erase… your face! So, tonight… we intrigue you… of the vigilant. for, as close as you are to the presidency… you know from our people’s history what could happen. One mistake, and —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, it’s fine to not wear a flag pin on your lapel…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But it you’re gonna wear a dashiki —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s okay to be close to the African-American community leaders…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But get your picture taken with Farrakhan —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, you a smoker, so it’s fine to partake of a cigarette here and there…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if it’s a whole pack of Newport menthols —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s fine to have the media talk to women from your past…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if they dig up ONE baby mama —
Together: They take it away!!
Rev. Al Sharpton: And they might throw your ass in JAIL!!
Jesse Jackson: Easy. Mr. Obama… you must never let them take it away. For ONLY if you’re calculated… and midolated… will the presidency finally be consecrated!
Rev. Al Sharpton: You’re up in the polls. I wouldn’t even leave your house until November!
Seth Meyers: The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A ten-year old boy in California has entered his sophomore year at East Los Angeles College, where he’s receiving the equivalent of a fourth grade education.
Seth Meyers: A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seat belt, but leaving a five-year old child to sit on the car’s floor. Earning him the title of World’s Most Australianist Man.
The owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors a close-up look at male reproductive organs of several species, says that four men have promised to donate their penises after their deaths. You know, I’m thinking I may do that.
Amy Poehler: Really? I didn’t know they had a miniatures collection. [ raises her arm for a high-five ] Up top!
Seth Meyers: Why — why would I high-five you on that? Why would I do that?
Amy Poehler: Because if you get mad, it looks like it’s true!
Seth Meyers: [ high-fives Amy ] Up top! Yeah!!
Amy Poehler: Whoa!
Seth Meyers: Funny joke! Funny joke! Not true. So funny, though.
Amy Poehler: This week, a man said he survived a shark attack by wrestling with the animal and then poking it in the eye. As a result, the man has been banned from the Coney Island Aquarium.
Seth Meyers: A man in Florida us suing, after he was ticketed on the beach for wearing a speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot. What a fancy man.
A Swiss man, this week, successfully tested a new device he built, which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview, the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.
Amy Poehler: A growing number of communities across the country are moving to prevent sexual predators from becoming ice cream truck drivers. In particular, drivers for Mr. Touch Me Not-So-Softy.
Seth Meyers: Astronauts living on the international space station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one space staton astronaut, “It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here.”
Air Date:
(1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 
, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.
Episodes
