Sen. John McCain V/O: I’m John McCain. And I approved this message.
[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain seated in front of a mock Oval Office setting ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans —
[ the audience drowns him out with their applause ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old.
But just as important, we will need a leader of courage and principle. Someone who is willing to do what is best for this country. Even when doing so is unpopular. Such as putting an end to runaway government spending, and, especially, congressional earmarks, those wasteful pork barrel projects sneaked anonymously into bills by members of Congress as a favor to campaign contributors for powerful local interests.
Most of these projects are at best unnecessary, such as $15 million to the U.S. Postal Service for a commemorative stamp honoring Tom Delays appellate lawyers. [ show photo of the stamp ] Whose idea was that? Or this bit of pork: $160 million to the Department of Defense for developing a device that can jam gaydar. [ show photo of the device ] Now, I dont know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this: jamming gaydar is NOT a federal responsibility. Thats something best left to state and local governments.
My friends, I’ve fought waste in government my entire career. And during more than twenty years, representing Arizona in both the House and Senate, I have not once sought to bring pork-barrel spending back to my state. Not even highway funds. When I entered the Senate in 1987, Arizona had forty-seven thousand miles of paved roadway. Today, it’s less than nine hundred.
I’ve also opposed federal water projects, even when they bnefitted my state. Thats why, thanks to me, 15% of Arizona citizens must get their drinking water from cactus. 25 years! I haven’t even brought a post office to my state. And Im proud of the fact that, because of my work, when residents of Flagstaff want to mail a letter, or to pick up a package, they have to drive to New Mexico.
My friends, controlling government spending isn’t just about Republicans or Democrats, it’s about being able to look your children in the eye. Or, in my case… my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great grandchildren - the youngest of whom are nearing retirement. And tell them: “We have left you the same things we were left: a future free from debt.” As your president, I will guarantee it.
I have the courage, the wisdom, the experience, and, most importantly, the oldness necessary. The oldness it takes to protect America, to honor her, to love her, and tell her about what cute things the cat did.
[Opens with a building. Cut to a classroom. Thomas is in a white shirt and is teaching a CPR class, a few students are sitting down in front of him. Posters of CPR guidelines are up behind Thomas]
Thomas: All right. Welcome everyone. This is CPR training. It is actually and exciting day because I’m going to be teaching you the new guidelines for CPR. For over 50 years the American Heart Association has recommended mouth-to-mouth. But now they are recommending hands-only CPR as the new life-saving standard. And that’s what we’re going to learn about. So lets just jump right in. Now, my assistant here, Greg, has hopped up here on the table to give you a better view.[Greg is a young guy, he is laying on a gurney] How are you Greg? Comfortable?
Greg: You know it, Thomas.
Thomas: Great. Now Greg here is a former student of mine and now he is a formidable lifeguard at Crown Beach. Maybe you’ve seen him over there.[Silence from the students]Ok, great. Let’s take a look at the proper way to perform the new technique. Now what the AHA recommends to simply push down on the victim’s chest hard and fast. So I’m just gonna put one hand on top of the other like this and I’m gonna start compressing.
[Thomas starts compressing into Greg’s chest]
Greg: You can press harder, Thomas.
Thomas: You sure?
Greg: Yeah, I’m good.
Thomas: Okey-dokey. Now The ideal speed of the compression is about 100 compressions per minute….
Greg: Thomas, you are not gonna hurt me, ok. You can do it right. I’m an adult.
Thomas: Are you sure?
Greg: Yep. I can take it.
Thomas: All right, all right. I’m going to do some very firm compressions here like so….
[Thomas presses harder and Crack! His hands go deep into Greg’s chest cavity. Blood spurts Thomas white shirt. The blood sprays Greg and Thomas everywhere]
Greg: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME????!!!
Thomas: Ok, all right. Nobody panic. This is normal, ok.
Greg:[freaking out] What’s going on down there?!
Thomas: Nothing, nothing. It’s fine.
[Thomas pulls out his bloody hands out of Greg’s chest. Students are freaking out]
Thomas: Ok. Looks like we got a little puncture here, got a little blood.
Greg: Oh, God! How’s it look?!
Thomas: Pretty good from where I’m standing. Doesn’t look that bad.
Student 1: Man, where are you standing? That’s bad!
Thomas: Everybody just remain calm. This happens sometimes.
Student 2: Wait, no. When did this happens?
Thomas: It happens! Now, we’re not going to panic. This is fixable. First thing you do in this situation is to gently reach inside the body cavity[Thomas puts his hand deep into Greg’s chest] and you retrieve my wristwatch.
Greg: WHAT?! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Thomas: Hey, quit being a baby.
Greg: I can feel that!!!
Thomas: And I can’t find it.[pulls bloody hand out of Greg’s chest] You know what, you can keep the watch. Ok, he’s losing a lot of blood so I’m going to initiate mouth-to-mouth.
Greg: Wait! I thought mouth-to-mouth has been proven ineffective!
Thomas: Proven by who? Doctors? Scientists? All I’m saying is give it a try. Ok, open wide. Here we go.
[Thomas gives Greg mouth-to-mouth and a bubble pops out of Greg’s chest, probably his lung]
Student 3:[points] That can’t be good.
Greg: THAT HURT!!
Thomas: Ok, a little pain is normal.
[More mouth-to-mouth. Greg pulls away]
Greg: Wait! Stop!, stop! That’s enough, that’s enough. Its over, its over. But its ok.[inspirational music] I’ve had a good life. I graduated from high school.[blood jumps and splashes in Greg’s face during his speech]I worked one summer as a lifeguard. And just recently I found a nickel in a pile of dog turds. So yeah, I think you could say I’ve crossed everything off my bucket list. Goodbye.[he dies]
Thomas: That’s a real shame. In some ways I can’t help but feel responsible.
Student 1: You are responsible!
[Singer Usher enters the classroom]
Usher: We all are responsible. Hi, I’m Usher. CPR can be a lot of fun, but it can kill someone too.
[Usher gives a humble thumbs up and the rest of the class too]
[Opens with a house at night. Its raining heavily. Cut to a child’s bedroom. A couple is looking into their child’s crib.]
Mom: Its raining pretty hard out. I hope she sleeps ok.
Dad: She’ll be fine sweetheart. We’re right here.
Mom: I know, I know. But I just worry.
Dad: Well, you shouldn’t. Hey, you know what I feel will make you better? Why don’t we say a prayer before she goes to sleep?
Mom: Ok.
Dad: Dear Lord, please watch over our little Jenna tonight and um….
Mom: Bless this child.
Dad: Yes, bless this child.
[Melodic music plays. They pick the baby up.]
Mom:[sings]Bless this child….
Dad:[sings] Keep her safe and harm….
Mom:[sings] And shield her from all harm….
[They both walk to the center of the room with the baby in their arms]
Mom and Dad:[singing]Bless this child, protect her from the storm, till the sun comes up again….Bless this child, fill her dreams with gold…[they carry the baby high up, holding one of each arm of the baby] and make them all come true. Look at us!….we’re a family…[they spin the baby dangerously a few times] one plus one is threeee!
[Melodic music turns into a disco beat]
Mom:[sings] Every fish that’s in the ocean…[wiggles the baby like a fish, passes the baby to the dad]
Dad:[sings]Every angel in the sky….[shakes baby’s arms like wings rapidly]
Mom and Dad:[singing] Every bridge into tomorrow is because of you and I…..[They both grab the baby’s extremities and stretch them like a a bridge] you and I,I,I,I….[Mom and dad make electroboogie dance moves, like a current they pass it through each others bodies including wiggling the baby like a snake] Oh, bless this child! Bless this child![Mom and Dad turn around stretching the baby’s body then they hug crushing the baby with their bodies]
Mom and Dad:[singing. Mom shakes baby with one hand like a maraca] Bless her, bless her, bless her, bless her…[passes the baby to the Dad]Bless this child!, Bless this child!
[Dad throws the baby to the Mom like a football]
[Disco beat changes tempo to melodic]
Mom and Dad:[Singing, holding the baby upside down using one feet each as a microphone] Bless this child, till the morning come….and keep her safe from….
[Music tempo changes again to disco beat]
Mom and Dad:[singing, Mom lowers the baby to the floor and uses it like a rope under Dad’s feet. Dad jumps the baby several times.] Bless, bless, bless, bless, bless, bless…bless this….child!
[Mom throws baby to Dad. Dad catches him with the baby basket.]
[Music ends]
Dad: You know what, honey? I think its time to move on from a doll to a real baby.
Mom: Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you but the doctor called today.
Dad: What? Woo, hoo, hoo! Come here, you! Oh, ha, ha, ha! I’m gonna be a dad!!
[Dad swings Mom around the room like a rag doll, knocking out the light in two lamps, bangs into the shades, the baby’s crib. He keeps spinning her around out of pure joy.]
Timone…..Kenan Thompson Peter Pops…..Steve Carell Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on sign: “Karaoke Tonight” ]
[ dissolve to Timone singing Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” onstage ]
Timone: That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith — we miss you, baby! [ he pounds his chest ]
[ Peter Popps, the emcee, steps up on stage ]
Peter Pops: Let’s give it up for Timone! so much emotion in that young man every single week! Alright — if you’ve just arrived, I’m your host, Peter Pops. Welcome to Karaoke — and I hope you can carry… a tune. Okie?
Voice: You used that joke last week!
Peter Pops: [ he chuckles ] It’s Random Draw Night, which means it’s not first-come, first-sing. So, next up — and I hope that you are ready — [ he reaches into the fishbowl and pulls out a slip of paper ] And… okay. There’s gum on this. Who did this?
[ cut to the Two A-Holes sitting in their seats chewing gum ]
Male A-Hole: That’s us, bro! [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Ready to sing, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah!
[ Cut to a slide which looks like a karaoke screen with title captions on it ]
Announcer: [ cheerfully ] And now… Two A-Holes do Karaoke.
[ dissolve back to karaoke bar ]
Peter Pops: Alright. Looks like we got a couple first-timers. You know me — I’m Peter Pops. And you are?
Male A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Bored.
Female A-Hole: It’s so stupid in here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do something to make it SUCK less.
Peter Pops: [ chuckles ] Alright, I’m trying. Um — do you have a song that you would like to sing?
Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?
Female A-Hole: Where are our outfits?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where do we change?
Female A-Hole: I won’t wear wool.
Male A-Hole: She’s afraid of sheep.
Peter Pops: Okay. Yeah. No, you don’t change clothes. Have you ever seen karaoke?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know this stuff.
Peter Pops: Okay, good.
Male A-Hole: So where’s the band?
Female A-Hole: I wanna play bongos.
Peter Pops: Nnnnno. no, this is karaoke, there’s no band.
Male A-Hole: Alright, he fired the band, babe.
Peter Pops: No. No. I didn’t fire anybody.
Male A-Hole: Oh, they quit, huh?
Peter Pops: No. No. Nobdy quit. There’s no band.
Male A-Hole: What, are they on strike? Is there a union thing?
Peter Pops: [ aggravated ] There’s no band!
Male A-Hole: Was it a plane crash, like “La Bamba”? Aaliyah? What, too soon?
Peter Pops: No. Alright, now listen to me: there is no band, the music is played from C… Ds.
Male A-Hole: CDs, huh? Like CDs nuts? [ he laughs smugly ]
Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. You need to give me the name of your song, or we’re gonna have to move on to somebody else.
Male A-Hole: [ turns to Female A-Hole ] You ready, babe? [ she looks at him but doesn’t respond ] Ready to do some karry-okes? [ silence as she chews with her mouth open ] You ready to roke it, babe? Get our roke on? [ she continues chewing silently ] Babe? Roke?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yea-ah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re ready.
Peter Pops: O-kay. Well, then what would you like to do?
Male A-Hole: What do you want to do, babe?
Female A-Hole: I wanna do stand-up.
Male A-Hole: She wants to tell some jokes.
Peter Pops: Okay — no, lady. You’re supposed to sing.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna tell jokes instead. Watch. [ he grabs the microphone and brings it closer ] Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?
Female A-Hole: Sheep.
Male A-Hole: Oh, yeah? What kind of dreams they give ya?
Female A-Hole: Ba-a-a-a-add.
[ people in the crowd begin to laugh ]
Peter Pops: No! Don’t laugh!
Male A-Hole: Yeah, pretty good, huh?
Peter Pops: No, she’s awful, in many ways.
Male A-Hole: You wanna see her impressions?
Peter Pops: I’d rather not.
Male A-Hole: Okay. [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Babe, do a cow eating grass.
Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open ] “Moo.”
Male A-Hole: [ chuckles ] Huh! Boo-yah! Yeah. Now, do Yoda eating grass.
Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open, and raises her hands next to her ears ] “Moo.”
Male A-Hole: Yeah! May the force be with you, babe!
Female A-Hole: And also with you.
Peter Pops: Alright, the two of you are going to have to leave! Next!
Male A-Hole: Uh, no — we’re gonna sing now.
Peter Pops: Oh. Okay. Fine, what’s your song?
Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, don’t worry, she’s got one.
Peter Pops: [ fuming ] What is it?
Male A-Hole: Tell him, babe.
Female A-Hole: Guess.
Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess.
Peter Pops: Uh — what? I don’t know. “Baby Got Back”?
Female A-Hole: No.
Male A-Hole: No.
Peter Pops: Uhhh — “Since U Been Gone”?
Female A-Hole: Uh-uh.
Male A-Hole: Wrong.
Peter Pops: “Brown Eyed Girl”?
Female A-Hole: Ew!
Male A-Hole: That song’s gross!
Female A-Hole: It’s about butt sex.
Male A-Hole: Yeah.
Peter Pops: NO!! No, it is NOT about — okay, alright, okay… okay. Um — why am I guessing? Just tell me what the song is!
Female A-Hole: I want to sing “Baby Got Back”.
Peter Pops: [ aghast ] I said that! That’s the first one I said!
Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. Whatever. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen — “Baby Got Back”!
[ Peter Pops steps off stage as the song begins ]
[ the music plays, but the Two A-Holes don’t say a word ]
[ steam blows out of Peter Pops’ ears ]
[ suddenly, Peter Pops jumps onstage and begins blurting out lyrics from “Baby Got Back” ]
Peter Pops: Okay, okay — get out! Get out of here!
Male A-Hole: Okay, let’s go, babe, they’re closing.
Peter Pops: No! No! We are NOT closing! YOU’RE closing! I am closing YOU down! You ruined it! You ruined the ONLY thing that I love! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ to Peter Pops ] You look like Eddie Rabbitt.
Peter Pops: ROT IN HELL!!!
[ Peter Pops runs off stage ]
Male A-Hole: [ chuckling ] Say good night, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Good night, babe.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 17th, 2008 Steve Carell Usher None Nancy Walls Ricky Gervais Sen. John McCain Young Jeezy Pounder School Commencement CeremonySummary: High school principal (Steve Carell) reads off the names of his nastily-named student body.
Montage
Steve Carell’s MonologueSummary: Steve Carell experiences an adrenaline after claiming to have drank six Red Bulls before the show. First Hosted: 05a.
The Democratic PrimariesSummary: Split-screen features the faces of Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) delivering their messages. Recurring Characters: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Deal or No DealSummary: Angst-ridden contestant (Steve Carell) endures battle of wits with his dad (Will Forte) as he attempts to win the million dollar prize. Recurring Characters: Howie Mandel.
A Couple of A-Holes Do KaraokeSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) make mockery of the karaoke circuit. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Ricky Gervais offers a glimpse at “The Japanese Office”.
McCain in OneSummary: Sen. John McCain discusses pork barrels and his age. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: John McCain requests that the in-fighting between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton might do well to extend past the election. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) offer words of advice for Barack Obama. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton. Transcript
The Charlie Flitt ShowSummary: After losing 200 pounds, formerly heavyset Charlie Flitt (Steve Carell) hosts his own talk show and crashes through life-size posters of himself.
CPR TrainingSummary: While demonstrating CPR training on a former student (Andy Samberg), an instructor (Steve Carell) accidentally crushes his chest and kills the guy. Transcript
Usher, featuring Young Jeezy, performs “Love in This Club, Part 1”
Bless This ChildSummary: Wannabe parents (Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig) sing a lullaby while twirling their baby doll around the nursery. Transcript
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Vlad…..Bill Hader Niko…..Fred Armisen Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:
The state of Israel turned 60 on Thursday, meaning it won’t be long until it moves to Florida.
The price of stamps next week is going up from 41 cents to 42 cents. “Aw, that’s cute.” said oil.
Monday was Cinco de Mayo, the holiday that celebrates the battle of Peublo, in which the outnumbered Mexican army defeated invading French forces by hurling empty Corona bottles at them.
Seth Meyers: This week, congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress, or as it’s known in Washington, the “Trifecta”.
New York’s Edward Cardinal Eagan celebrated mass at St Patrick’s cathedral on Sunday, wearing a new golden globe given to him by Pope Benedict. So, looks like it’s getting pretty serious.
Amy Poehler: Ten fraternity members from Tulane University were arrested after allegedly burning pledges with hot water and pepper spray during a hell-night initiation. On the up side, the hazing led to the capture of two Al-Queda operatives.
Seth Meyers: Last week, Rock Star games released Grand Theft Auto 4; a violent video game set in Liberty City. The game has sold over 6 million copies and won praise from critics and gamers alike. The only ones unhappy with the game are residents of Liberty City, who say it presents an unfair image of their home town. Here now are two of those residents, Vlad and Niko.
[Vlad and Niko slide over]
Both: What are you looking at? What are you looking at? [They float their hands like digitalized video game characters would]
Seth Meyers: So… you guys, if I’m not mistaken, you guys are upset by the way your city is portrayed in Grand Theft Auto?
[They both talk in same voice pattern, like digitalized characters would]
Niko: Yes! It’s completely unrealistic.
Vlad: People see this game and think all we do is beat eachother!
[his fist hits his other hand, slowly like a video game character would]
Seth Meyers: Well, um, is their any truth to that?
Both: Shut up! Shut up!
Vlad: I will beat you! And kill you!
Seth Meyers: Guys, I do gotta be honest, you two do seem pretty aggressive.
Niko: I apologize! We just hear so much criticism about our city, and it makes us defensive.
Vlad: We are very sensitive.
[Vlad’s arm hits Niko’s arm]
Niko: Hey! Watch your arm!
Vlad: You watch your arm!
[They punch each other, as if in slow-motion]
Vlad: I will beat you!
Niko: I will kill you!
Vlad: Kill you!
Niko: Beat you!
Amy Poehler: Okay, guys! Guys! Guys! Take it easy! Take it easy!
Vlad: Heyy! Pretty, pretty lady!
Niko: Heyy!
Both: Mmmm, why, hello!
Seth Meyers: Hey, guys! Leave her alone, guys.
Amy Poehler: Hey, Seth, I can take this, thank you. You know, guys, I’ve never been to Liberty City, maybe you could give me a tour.
Niko: Great! Follow the yellow line to Roman’s ware house!
Seth Meyers: Vlad and Niko, everybody!
[applause]
Both: Shut up!
Amy Poehler: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, according to five recent voice messages from my mother. But, if you still haven’t gotten your mom flowers or anything, you still have… oh no… wait… 12:30, you blew it.
Three teenagers were arrested, after they dug up a secluded grave, north of Houston, removed the skull from its grave, and converted it into a bomb. Then one of the teen said, “Oh wait, I do have papers!”
Seth Meyers: The national average price for gasoline has risen close to fifteen cents, in the last two weeks, meaning that if gas gets any more expensive, rappers will start to drink it.
Hillary Andrews, a former Weather Channel anchor-woman, has won a sexual harassment charge, against Bob Stokes, her male co-anchor, who she accused him of repeatedly asking her about her sex life, and saying crude remarks, such as “Will you lick my swizzle stick?”
Amy Poehler: Ugh, that’s just awful.
Seth Meyers: I know! He could have done so much better!
Amy Poehler: Oh know.
Seth Meyers: Hey, pretty lady, check out this area of high pressure, in m’pants!
Amy Poehler: That’s not what I meant.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, too late. This just in, the national weather service has issued a boner advisory, under my desk!
Amy Poehler: Your not even trying!
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I’m going to try now. The forecast tonight in Amy Town, is a forty percent chance of ding-dongs!
Amy Poehler: Okay, now I’m turned on.
[They give high-five]
Seth Meyers: Yeah, sexy, right?
Amy Poehler: Ding-dongs?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, only forty percent chance.
Amy Poehler: Only forty percent chance of ding-dongs? I’ll take those odds!
The rock group, The Police, who will end their world-wide reunion tour this summer, announced Tuesday, plans to donate one million dollars to Mayor Bloomberg’s efforts to plant trees in the city. “Hold on, we’re giving one million dollars?” said the two Police who aren’t Sting.
Seth Meyers: According to researchers, the type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually provide some protection against diabetes, though it more than triples your chance of contracting sir mix-a-lot.
An online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy memorial and human rights activist groups, is selling tea with Alan Greenspan for $11,000. Or, for $12,000, you can have the tea alone.
Amy Poehler: You know, Seth, they say that comedy is the universal language, and no one speaks it better than the number one Def Jam comedian in Europe, and the host of Def Jam international. Please welcome Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Whoo hoo! Alright! Well, well! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!
Amy Poehler: Hey! Hello, Jean, it’s great to see you back in the states!
Jean K. Jean: It’s good to be back, Amy! I love it here in America! Y’all putting ice in your drinks! It’s crazy! Boy, it’s tough over in Europe right now. Price of Petro is going up! Whoo! I can’t even get on the autobomb without feeling like I’m going to the poor house! 1.32 euros a liter! A euro 32?!? For a liter?!? Bitch, for that kind of money I can fill up my side cabriolle with peno nur war! Zut da lour!
[hip hop music starts up until Jean sweeps his hand over his neck, and it stops]
Jean K. Jean: In creoble. Hey, I was watching the television in my hostile the other day, and I’ll tell you one thing: Kids today have got a million cartoon characters to choose from! Spongebob, Transformers, Dora The Exploree! Man, when I was growing up, all we had was Astrics of Dawn. Y’all remember watching astrics on Saturday morning? Yo mama, he could play some music! I’d be watching Astrics all day long! And Astrics was a pimp, too, right? Brothers would come up all on him, and be like “Bitch, I’m from Gawn. I’ll defend your ass to Gawatawni!” Zut da lour!
[hip hop music starts, while Jean gets up and starts dancing. Music cuts to an end]
Jean K. Jean: In creoble! Yeah, I was out on a date last night. I ordered up some Frau Grau. Man, brothers be eating up some Frau Grau! You eat Frau Grau, brothers be coming out of the woods, “Bam! Who’s ass has some Frau Grau over there?” And my lady friend said that eating it was inhumane. Inhumane? Bitch, put it on a cracker! Zut da lour!
[hip hop music stars, while Jean gets up and starts dancing]
Jean K. Jean: Zut da lour!
Amy Poehler: Okay, Jean K. Jean, everybody! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean! Happy 30th birthday, Jean K. Jean!
Seth Meyers: Whoo, in creoble, in creoble!
Amy Winehouse was arrested Wednesday in connection with a video, that shows her doing drugs at a party. Winehouse could be looking at real jail time, under England’s harsh bizillionth strike law.
Sweedish auto-maker, Saab admitted this week that for certain tests, they used human cadavers as crash test dumbies. Worse, they weren’t cadavers before the test!
Amy Poehler: After six years of delays, the jury selection is set to begin on Friday in R. Kelly’s child porn case. Said R. Kelly, “Six years? That sounds sexy.”
Producers of the hit show, Ugly Betty, are in talks to relocate production of the show, to New York City, where it is set. Which is odd, because I thought it was set on a gay spaceship.
Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig Josiah from Miami…..Shia LeBeouf
Announcer: It’s “The Suze Orman Show”.
Suze Orman: Welcome back, my friends. Now… before we get started… I need to answer a VERY important question I have been asked ALL month long… and yesterday… while I was at a playdate… for… my cat. “Suze: how do you keep your highlighted wedge haircut looking so full of volume… at… the root?” Well, my dear friends, this lady is about to spill… the beauty… beans. Twice a month, I borrow my friend’s speedboat and go 180 miles an hour, all the way around Mexico… to California. Then, I buy a compact car and drive… directly… to Pam & Jan’s female-specific barber shop and color house… in Phoenix, Arizona. [ show photo ] And that… is… Pam… and… Jan.
Moving on. Now, a lot of you have gotten something in the mail… this month… that looks… just… like this. [ holds up Treasury check ] Looks familiar, my dears? It’s your economic stimulus check, and Uncle Sam… wants you… to blow it… full-tilt — boom! I know you’re probably thinking I’m gonna tell you to take that check… put it in a rusty Sucrest tin… and hide it in a hatbox that is meant to look old, but is new, and you got it at TJ Max! Ohhhh, no! Listen, my sweet dearies… I’m gonna say something… that I have never… said before — and it is not “I love the smell of a man.” It is… go ahead and spend this money… on whatever you like. I did. I bought this: [ grabs at her jacket collar ] not the jacket, just the snap-on collar. [ she removes the collar ] I can add it on to any jacket… or even my evening loungewear robe, which, in essence, is… a Western… chenille-style… floor-length jacket.
Now, we have time for one guest today, and I am very excited to meet him. Joasiah? How are you… my luscious… sweet… dipsy doodle?
Josiah from Miami: I’m not so freakin’ good.
Suze Orman: Okay, boyfriend… lay it on me like a lead X-ray bib… at… the dentist.
Josiah from Miami: Okay. I live in Miami. I’m a clu — I’m an owner of a nightclub/sensual buffett called Regrets. And, let’s just say it’s not as packed as it used to be, Suze.
Suze Orman: [ grinning ear to ear ] That, my friends, is what she said!
Josiah from Miami: That’s a good one… that’s a good one. Anyway, I got my stimulus check — I can’t decide if I should boost morale, give my employees bonuses, or get a five-o’clock shadow tattooed to my face.
Suze Orman: Okay, Josiah — hold your hot dog, ’cause here comes… a scoop… of chili-cheese… advice. Many years ago, I lived in Miami and [ makes quote signs ] “shared expenses” with a girl named Bert. She was the spitting image of Military Elvis, so I know alllll about how hard it is to keep up with… the beautiful people… of Miami. So… to that, I say YES to the face tattoo. Not many people know this… but I’ve got a tattoo of decorative buttons going down my chest, so, no matter what, I look like I’m always… wearing… a jacket!
Josiah from Miami: Well, thank you, Suze. And, listen: if you’re ever in Miami, come over to Regrets; I’ll introduce you to my Mom, she’s a Fonzie impersonator.
Suze Orman: Sorry, Josiah… but I am spoken for… so tell your mom… to “sit on it”! [ she laughs ]
Josiah from Miami: You’re good with the money… you’re good with the funny, you old nut bag!
Suze Orman: Well… that’s all for this week, my sweet lover angels. I’m going to leave you with a few money-saving tips… just for the ladies… that I… cannot… live without.
#1: Don’t waste your money on expensive self-tanners. Do what I do: sit in a bath tub with twelve beef bullion cubes… overnight.
#2: You need a hot stone massage? Don’t go to the parlor. Slather on some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter… and roll around on a gravel driveway.
And, finally: instead of buying fancy maxi-pads… you… can make… your own. Go to the Dollar Store… buy a twenty-four pack of baby socks… and… some double-sided tape.
Tune in next week, and, in the meantime, remember: people first… then money… then things. Then, homemade maxi-pads.
Officer….Jason Sudeikis McIntosh….Kenan Thompson Boy 1….Shia Lebeouf Boy 2….Andy Samberg Boy 3….Bill Hader
[Opens with a shot of a police station. Three young kids are sitting in front of a police officer]
Officer: Ok, now seeing that this is a first offense I’m going to let you boys off with a warning. But if I ever catch you shoplifting again from the Game Stop, you’re going to be back here for a little sleepover in a prison cell. You got it?
3 Boys: Yes, officer.
Officer: Well, you might think that this is one big joke but its not. So that’s why I invited a representative from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you kids. He’s an inmate over at Larchmont Maximum Security Prison. He’s here to warn you about the dangers of criminal lifestyle. McIntosh!, you want to come in here!
[A black inmate in a brown prison uniform with a black glove and do rag enters the room. He shakes hands with the officer]
McIntosh: What’s up, chief?[He stands in front of the kids] All right. Ok, party’s over! Now on your FEET![the kids get up] Now sit DOWN![they sit down]I said on your FEET![they get up again] Wh–Sit your ass DOWN![they sit down]. My name is Lorenzo McIntosh. My friends call me Mack Attack but guess what? That don’t matter cause you ain’t my FRIENDS! Now let me see what you in for. Let me take a look.[picks up the police file]
Officer: No, no, no.[takes the police file from McIntosh] You’re not allowed to look at that.
[McIntosh holds his palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, ok, my bad. Rules are rules. I get it.
Officer: Yeah, we caught these smart alecks shoplifting at the mall.
McIntosh: Stealing, huh? Oh, I’ve been down that road. You name it–I stole it. Cookies, hats, newspapers, baby food, hats, newspapers, hats. Yeah, it starts with stealing but let me tell you where it ends. Murder!
Boy 1: We weren’t gonna murder anyone.
[McIntosh grabs kid 1 violently]
McIntosh: Hey boy! Close your damn MOUTH! You know what I’ve been through?! You see this?[points to a not so believable scar on his cheek]Take a good look! Cause this is REAL!
Boy 2: Did you draw that on with a sharpie?
[McIntosh is outraged like a bastard. Grabs kid 2 by the shoulders]
McIntosh: HEY! Boy, you keep on that attitude and you’re gonna end up in PRISON! And the only thing they gonna draw on your face is an arrow pointed at your mouth and a sign that says, deposit HERE!
Officer: Hey, no, no, no. You can’t get that graphic with the kids. Ok?
[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, hey, I’ll play the game, chief. You just gotta tell me the rules. Now, what they steal?
[Officer gives McIntosh a videogame]
Officer: Right here. Grand Theft Auto.
McIntosh: Grand theft Auto. What you think that’s fun? Um? Stealing cars?
Officer: No, they didn’t actually steal a car…
McIntosh: Let me tell you something. I’ve been there. I stole a car. I stole two cars. Pretty soon I had to steal 50 cars in one night otherwise the Russians were gonna shoot my brother dead in the street! Is that what you want?! A dead brother cause this here is REAL!!
Boy 3: Isn’t that the plot of “Gone in 60 Seconds”?
[McIntosh gives the videogame to the Officer. He punches his fist into his hands, walks up and down mad as hell]
McIntosh: Whooo! Whooo! Oh, man![gets right in kid’s 3 face] You gonna be in a cemetery in about 60 seconds BOY! And don’t think that being dead will save you from the other stuff. I know plenty of dudes that will do it with a dead guy!
Officer: Hey, no, no, no McIntosh. Take it easy, just take it easy, all right?
[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Hey, I’ll take it easy, chief. I’ll put it right on cruise control. You just have to tell me when the exits coming, all right? [gets close on boy 1] You got some friends Tom Sawyer? Huh? Um, you’re Mr. Popular? Mr. Popular?
Boy 1: So what?
McIntosh: So what?
Boy 1: I got friends.
McIntosh: What? You think I didn’t have friends? I had a great bunch of friends. And then one day our dads couldn’t pay the bills and the bank was going to take our homes so we had to search for a private treasure in an underground cave, all right! Pretty soon we were dealing with a Baby-Ruth-eating sloth and a whole mess of booby traps from one-eyed Willie! All right! Is that what you want?! Man, my Korean friend Dada almost died! Cause this here is REAL!
Boy 2: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of “Goonies”.
[McIntosh sees red. He gets close to boy 2]
McIntosh: I got a plot for you, JUNIOR! You smart off I’m gonna pull your face out your BUTT! Roll the credits!
Officer: No, no, no, no McIntosh. You cannot threaten the kids.
[McIntosh backs off, palms up]
McIntosh: Oh, hey man. I will drive this train whatever you want to, chief. You just gotta laid out the tracks, all right. Who’s the ringleader?[Boy 2 and 3 point to Boy 1. McIntosh stands him up roughly]Well, well, well, you the boss, huh? Big boss man, huh? Yeah, I used to be the big boss too. And then Bam! Bullet right to the head. And guess what? Two of my employees show up and they got to prop my body up and make it look like I’m still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they want to enjoy a weekend at my summer house! Is that what you want?! Guys dragging your dead body around to beach parties? Cause this here is REAL!
Boy 3: Ok, that’s definitely “Weekend at Bernie’s”.
[McIntosh is furious. Gets very close to boy 3, puts his fist up to his face]
McIntosh: Hey! Boy, I said close your damn MOUTH! The only Bernie you gonna meet is my cellmate Bernie! And he’s gonna spend his weekend hosting a beach party IN YOUR ASS!!
Officer: Ok, come on.
[McIntosh backs off. Palms up]
McIntosh: What? Was that too far?
Officer: Yeah.
McIntosh: Yeah, that was way too far.
Officer: Yeah, we got to let this kids go.
McIntosh: Yeah, I got to go somewhere too. Just remember, you wanna steal? They gonna steal your life! You wanna smoke weed? Somebody’s gonna smoke YOU! You wanna gangbang? You gonna get gangbanged a whole bunch of times! Sometimes 10, 20 guys in a row, rotating through you like a carousel! There ain’t gonna be no grease! There ain’t gonna be NO GREASE!
Officer: McIntosh!
[McIntosh backs off]
McIntosh: All right, I’m out.[walks away, points to the kids as he goes] There ain’t gonna be no grease.
Officer: They get it.
[Boy 3 begins clapping. Boy 1 and 2 look at him, he stops clapping]
Boy 3: Sorry.
Officer: So, you kids learned your lesson?
[The trio nod their heads no]
Officer: Yeah, I feel that.
[Car engine revs, tires screech]
Boy 1: Wait a minute. Is he driving himself to prison?
Officer:[looks out the window] Oh, no, no, no, no. He’s just stealing my car. That’s all it is.
Andy Samberg: [ singing ] “Let me tell ya ’bout a look I know From San Diego down to Mexico It’s top secret and it’s just for the gents So button up your shirt and drop your pants
Dress Shirt, black socks boo da boo boo (?) Take off your underpants P Loafs, Pale stems You’re looking good, the best look in the world!
Classy garters are a fashion touch Kids and bitches(?) peek-a-boo its your nuts Your lower body cavs got to show Sport sandals are optional
Sun block, UV shades Your jimmy cap is crownin like a newborn Toned calves, cool attitude The soft breeze is ticklin your knee-bend Donald Duck strut, ladies look(?) It’s cuz you got, the best look in the world!
Dads have got the look Husbands have got the look Cops they’ve got the look Illiterate genies have got the look
Liver spots, flank steak thighs(?) Here it comes, the best look in the world.”
Air Date:
