Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


Song appears
on the album:

I Am Me

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”

…..Jon Heder
…..Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder: Ladies and gentlemen – Ashlee Simpson!

Ashlee Simpson: I wrote this song after my last “Saturday Night Live” experience.

“Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something´s killing me
I know it seems like people care
‘Cause they´re always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

When the show is over
And it´s empty everywhere
It´s so hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I´ve got nowhere to go nowhere but home.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you´ve been on
That you´re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me.

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.

Who will be the one who´s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who´s gonna catch me when I fall.”

Ashlee Simpson: Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Jon Heder’s Monologue

…..Jon Heder
Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Leopold Samsonite…..Jason Sudeikis
Jose…..Fred Armisen
Kip…..Will Forte

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Jon Heder!

[ the audience cheers and screams enthusiastically ]

Jon Heder: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience continues to cheer; Jon checks his watch ] Come on! Alright, uh.. now, most of you probably know me from a movie called “Napoleon Dynamite.” [ the audience cheers their recognition ] Yeah, it’s a movie that a bunch of college friends and me made, for very little money, and, uh.. went on to Sundance and took off, and now I’m here hosting “Saturday Night Live.”

[ audience cheers and screams; one joker yells: “Vote For Pedro!” ]

Jon Heder: [ looks into the audience ] Uh.. yes? you have a question?

Audience Member: Um.. was the character Napoleon Dynamite based on a real person?

Jon Heder: Uh, no. He was not. He was based on a number of people I knew in college, and some family members of mine.

Voice: Jon?

Jon Heder: Yes. You.

[ a man dressed similar to Napoleon Dynamite stands up in the audience ]

Leopold Samsonite: Are you sure that the character Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t based on anybody?

Jon Heder: Hey! Hey, it’s my old college buddy, Leopold Samsonite. What are you doing here?

Leopold Samsonite: That’s a stupid question. I’m watching the show. Gosh!

Jon Heder: I haven’t seen you in a couple of years.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, since college. Hey, Jon, I finally saw that movie you were in.

Jon Heder: You mean, “Just Like Heaven”, with Reese witherspoon.

Jon Heder: No! No one saw that. Idiot! Back to my question: Was that movie “Napoleon Dynamite” about me?

Jon Heder: No, of course not.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so, but a lot of people think it is.

Jon Heder: Like who?

Leopold Samsonite: Like Jose. Tell him yourself, Jose.

[ Jose, who bears a striking resemblance to Pedro, stands to Leopold’s left. He wears a shirt that reads “Vote For Jose.” ]

Jon Heder: Oh, hey, Jose! How have you been?

Jose: I’m okay. I like your bangs.

Jon Heder: Thanks. Uh, Jose, just so you know, all the characters in “Napoleon Dynamite” are fictional.

Leopold Samsonite: See, Jose? I told you that flippin’ character wasn’t based on me!

[ suddenly, a Kip lookalike stands to Leopold’s right ]

Kip: I don’t know. It really seems like it.

Leopold Samsonite: Shut up, idiot! Why are you even here?

Kip: Because Jose is right. Just leave me alone, I’m texting a girl. [ averts his attention to a handheld electronic device ]

Jon Heder: Hey, Leopold, honest. The character Napoleon isn’t based on you in any way.

Leopold Samsonite: Yeah, I didn’t think so. Because you don’t have these sweet moves.

[ Leopold makes his way next to Jon at Home Base, and, with hands in pockets, shows off his dance skills, including wild, flurried disco moves. Accepting the challenge, Jon shows off a few sweet moves of his own, until, finally, they dance in tandem. ]

Jon Heder: [ as Jose and Kip join them on stage ] Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight! Ashlee Simpson is here. so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Hubbard Systems

Gary…..Seth Meyers
Irene…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Jason Sudeikis
Patty…..Rachel Dratch
Philip…..Fred Armisen
Kevin…..Jon Heder

[ open on Hubbard Systems corporate retreat. Gary stands with his back turned as he explains a presentation labeled “Teamwork.” ]

Gary: If we learned anything during our three-day retreat, it’s that the key to the future of Hubbard Systems is teamwork.

[ Gary turns to face his staff, revealing that his eyebrows are shaved and angry lines are drawn in their place ]

Gary: So – about last night’s party. Um..first of all, I want to say I’m not angry.

Irene: You look angry.

Gary: Well, that’s because someone shaved my eyebrows and drew in angry cartoon eyebrows. And I think you knew that. Now, I will be the first to admit that the “Hubbard Goes Hawaiian” party got out of hand. And that the punch was way too strong, and I think a lot of us, myself included, were over-served. Even more unacceptable, however, were the pranks done to those of us who passed out. And, again, I’m not angry.

Irene: Yeah? You look angry!

Gary: Okay! That is enough, Irene. [ a beat ] Anyway, one of the themes of this whole retreat has been communication. Okay? So, let’s try to work through this Hubbard Systems-style, alright? So, I’m going to ask Peter to come up here and calmly.. air his grievances. So, Peter? Alright?

[ Gary steps aside, as Peter approaches the podium. Peter’s head is shaved down the middle. ]

Peter: Hey, everybody. Alright, look — so, I don’t know If you I.T. freaks know this, but I’m one of your Sales people, alright? So, basically, by doing this, you screwed yourselves. Alright? Because, here’s the thing: I can’t sell your nerd junk when my head looks like a butt crack! Alright?!

[ Gary returns to the podium ]

Gary: Okay, you know what? I don’t think Peter actually thinks we sell “nerd junk”.

Peter: Hey, Gary! Alright, look, this just proves that just because some Tech geek can put together a computer doesn’t mean he’s not an idiot!

Gary: Hey, hey! We don’t know it’s the Tech guys, Peter.

Peter: Aw, come on, Gary, man! You KNOW it’s the Tech guys! You KNOW it! [ points at the Tech guys ] Look, I know you dudes hate me, alright? You hate me for my car and my sweet-looking wife! [ frowns at the crowd ] Hey, wipe that grin of your face, Sanji, wipe it off!

Gary: Okay!

Peter: Get rid of it!

Gary: It’s okay. It’s okay, Sanji. Let’s just try to stay calm.

Peter: Yeah, YOU stay calm, Gary! Alright?! I was supposed to play GOLF tomorrow! [ storms off ] Get outta my way!

Gary: Look, I know that Peter is the office yank stick. We all know that. I’m not going to stand here and tell you he’s not. But a lot of good people suffered last night, too. Patty, can you come up here?

[ Patty steps up to the podium, sporting a crudely-drawn handlebar moustache ]

Gary: Patty has been a secretary at Hubbard Systems 23 years. She was the second person hired by Wilson Hubbard himself. Can anyone tell me any reason why someone would do this to Patty? [ every hand is raised ] Oh, wow, okay. I did not expect that many hands. Let’s start with you, Irene.

Irene: Yeah, ihe knows every thing about everyone in the office, and, when she drinks, she blabs it.

Patty: Raise your hand if you haven’t slept with Irene.

Gary: Okay, okay.

Philip: She also conjectures loudly as to who in the office is or isn’t gay.

Irene: Everyone knows, Philip!

Philip: [ stunned, feyly places his hand over his heart ] I am married.

Patty: I’ll haunt you all from my grave.

[ Patty steps away from the podium ]

Gary: That got ugly. I feel like we haven’t learned anything at this retreat. Kevin has something to say.

[ Kevin steps up to the podium. Body hair is superglued to his face and hands. ]

Kevin: Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Kevin Hubbard. And my Dad owns Hubbard Systems.

Irene: [ sarcastically ] Everyone knows, Kevin.

Kevin: Irene, shut up!

Gary: Okay, Kevin, let’s use this time to build a bridge. Like we’ve been talking about. Build a bridge.

Kevin: Anyway – if it were up to me, I would fire all of you and then throw stuff at you while Security dragged you away, and then your kids would go hungry.

Gary: Okay, not a bridge. Um.. I think the important thing is that no matter what Kevin has done in the past, no one deserves to have this happen to them when they pass out.

Kevin: I didn’t pass out. I was awake. Someone held me down and shaved all my body hair and superglued it to my face and my palms.

Gary: So, you know who did this to you?

Kevin: Yeah.

Gary: Who?

Kevin: Well.. she told me if I say anything, she’d do it again.

[ Irene double-points her fingers between her eyes and Kevin’s direction ]

Gary: Alright, well.. I guess we’ll break for lunch. [ notices Irene’s hand gestures ] This kind of gives you away, so you don’t want to do that. When we come back, someone’s going to have to explain how my car got in the swimming pool. So, start thinking about that, everybody.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Goodnights

…..Jon Heder

Jon Heder: I want to thank Ashlee Simpson! [ she grins and nods ] I want to thank the cast, I’ve had an awesome week! Everybody, good night!

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Operator Date

Gary…..Jon Heder
Julie…..Rachel Dratch
Waiter…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, coffee shop. Julie sits alone at table as Gary approaches. ]

Gary: Hi, I’m Gary. You must be Julie.

Julie: [ in a monotone voice ] Hi, I’m Julie.

Gary: [ sits ] Nice to finally meet you. I haven’t been on a blind date in a while. So, Doug told me you work in Customer Service?

Julie: That’s right. I do the voice recordings for companies such as United Airlines, Blue Cross and Amtrak.

Gary: Wow, Amtrak. Well, then I guess I have talked to you before.

Julie: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

Gary: Oh. [ awkward beat ] Nothing. Stupid joke.

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Hi. Can I get you something to drink?

Gary: Um.. what do you think, Julie? A latte or a cappuccino, or something?

Julie: Did you say latte or cappuccino?

Gary: Uh.. well, I said both. Do you want a latte or cappuccino?

Julie: My mistake. Cappuccino would be great.

Gary: Two, please.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Julie: Gary, before we go any further, let me get some information.

Gary: Sure.

Julie: Please say your age.

Gary: Oh, yeah! I get that a lot. I know I look young, but I’m actually 29.

Julie: I think you said 19. Did I get that right?

Gary: No, 29.

Julie: I think you said 9. Did I get that right?

Gary: No. Wow. 29.

Julie: Okay. Got it. Sorry. It’s pretty loud in here.

[ Waiter returns with the cappuccinos ]

Waiter: Here you guys go.

Julie: Mmm. Yum.

[ Waiter retreats ]

Gary: You know, um.. Doug didn’t tell me you were so cute.

Julie: You’re not so bad yourself, Gary.

Gary: Would you, uh, like to, maybe want to go see a movie tonight?

Julie: I’d like that. Let me check the movie listings. What movie would you like to see?

Gary: Have you seen “Flight Plan?”

Julie: Let me look that up for you. One second, please. [ holds up a newspaper ] Here it is: “Flight Plan” is playing at 7:15.. 8:45.. 10:00.. and 11:15.

Gary: Uh.. let’s do 7:15.

Julie: Okay. This is a great date.

Gary: It really is. Julie, you know, I’m kind of shy —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Uh.. since my last relationship —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — I haven’t been able to ask anyone out —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: That’s why Doug —

Julie: Got it.

Gary: — had to do it for me.

Julie: Got it.

Gary: Anyway, I just feel really lucky to have met you.

Julie: That’s so sweet. Please say that again.

Gary: I feel real lucky to have met you.

Julie: Thank you.

Gary: So, should we go to the movie?

Julie: Let me see If I have this correct: I think you said you wanted to go.. back to my place. Did I get that right?

Gary: Yes, you sure did.

Julie: Okay. Got it.

[ they exit the coffee shop ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2

05b: Jon Heder / Ashlee Simpson

Harriet Miers Nomination

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch
Alberto Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, White House, evening ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

Dick Cheney: Uh, Mr. President, before wem eet with Harriet Miers, we should go over what we need to talk to her about.

President George W. Bush: [ looking over notes ] Harriet Miers is a highly qualified judicial nominee.

Dick Cheney: Well, uh, George, you understand that by making this pick we’re opening ourselves to accusations of cronyism.

President George W. Bush: Well, how can you say that? I made this choice based on resume.. and experience. You know, how was I to know that of all of the lawyers and judges in this great country, the most qualified would be my own legal adviser. I mean, what are the odds?

Dick Cheney: You see, that’s what I’m talking about, Sir. If there is even a whiff of impropriety —

President George W. Bush: Dick, relax. You know, I’ll play it down. This wasn’t a choice based on friendship. We’re not even that close. [ presses intercom ] Ashley, send in Ms. Miers.

[ Harriet Miers enters the room, a wide smile on her face ]

Harriet Miers: Bushy!

President George W. Bush: [ equally excited ] Come ‘ere! [ lifts Harriet into his arms ]

Harriet Miers: [ giggling ] Oh, come on, Bushy, put me down!

President George W. Bush: Oh, uh-uh. I want an up-close look at the next member of the United states Supreme Court.

Dick Cheney: [ concerned ] Mr. President, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Could you, uh —

President George W. Bush: what? There’s nothing wrong with this. This is just your garden variety President/judge stuff.

Dick Cheney: Put her down, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Uh-uh!

Harriet Miers: Oh, put me down, Sir.

Dick Cheney: [ sternly ] Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay, Dick. [ lowers Harriet to the ground ]

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: Alright, sit down over here on this couch. [ they sit on the couch together ] Alright, Harriet, we just wanted to talk to you before things got too crazy, because over the next couple of months people are gonna be digging into your background.

Harriet Miers: Oh, uh.. that won’t be a problem because, I don’t know if you boys have heard, but, uh.. I don’t have a background. [ she laughs ]

President George W. Bush: isn’t she perfect?

Dick Cheney: Yeah. Be a lot easier If she wasn’t such a close friend.

President George W. Bush: I don’t get it, Dick. You know, I don’t know why everyone says that cronyism is a bad thing. You know, I’m a crony. You’re a crony. This is what we do. Cronyism. Do you think I got into Yale because of my grades? No. I cronied my way in there. You think I got to own a baseball team because I’m a good baseball team owner? Big time crony on that one. Now, hey, you know, look at me now: I’m the President of the United states. You can’t get cronier than this.

Dick Cheney: You’re right there. But it didn’t work out so well with your Buddy Michael brown running FEMA.

President George W. Bush: I chunked it on that one, Dick. Maybe I.. I should have looked harder for a better man but you know me, I don’t like to look harder. You know, for instance, you know I like the Outback Steakhouse. You could.. tell me that the best restaurant in the world is across the Street. But If thehere is an Outback Steakhouse on my side of the street, that’s where I’m eating. I trust it. I like their steaks.

Dick Cheney: I like the Bloomin’ Onion. [ Laughs ] That’s good eatin’!

President George W. Bush: Yes, it is, Dick. All right. But you see what I’m getting at. You know, why look for a five-star restaurant when I got an Outback Steakhouse sitting right here. You know?

Harriet Miers: Thank you, Sir.

President George W. Bush: You know, frankly, I don’t think cronyism will even be an issue with Harriet.

Harriet Miers: Oh, thank you.

Dick Cheney: All right. Good enough for me. Thanks for stopping by, Harriet. Good luck with the confirmation. I think you’ll do just fine. [ Harriet exits the room ] Oh, uh.. Mr. President, Alberto Gonzalez is outside.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Send him in, Dick.

Dick Cheney: Alberto, you’re on.

[ an unhappy Alberto Gomez enters the room ]

President George W. Bush: Alberto. My old Buddy. How long you been waiting out there?

Alberto Gomez: Two weeks.

President George W. Bush: [ smiles ] Get over here! [ Alberto steps closer ] Look, you know.. you’re not.. mad about being passed up for the supreme court again, are you? [ Alberto is silent ] Come on, don’t be like that, Alberto. You’re one of my cronies. You know, maybe there will be another opening in the supreme court. Justice Stevens tripped on the steps the other day. That’s never a good sign. Come on, crony Buddy. [ Alberto is silent ] Say something. Anything.

[ Alberto speaks at last: ]

Alberto Gomez: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 8th, 2005

Jon Heder

Ashlee Simpson

None

Lorne Michaels

Liz Cackowski
Harriet Miers NominationSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) advises President George W. Bush (Will Forte) that his selection of Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) may have been an unwise move.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

MontageNote: Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph are credited even though they’re both absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Chris Parnell is not credited for this episode.

Jon Heder’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Jon Heder stresses that “Napoleon Dynamite” was not based on real people, but his friends Leopold Samsonite (Jason Sudeikis), Jose (Fred Armisen) and Kip (Will Forte) try to prove him wrong.

Bio: Jon Heder (1977-). Actor; starred in last summer’s independent film “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Transcript

Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: In its original broadcast, a control room glitch caused the fake ad to be interrupted midway by the bumper graphic for the Wilson Bros. Funeral home sketch.

Note: This ad parody was cut after last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) presents a fourth grade science project on insects.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

The WerewolfSummary: In anticipation of the full moon, a man (Jon Heder) tells his date (Amy Poehler) that he was once bitten by a werewolf and will soon transform. But, because it was only a small bite, the man only grows a hideous moustache.

Transcript

The Misadventures of Tom Delay and Bill FristSummary: Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Bill Frist (Will Forte) hit the road “Thelma & Louise”-style.

Recurring Characters: Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Bill Clinton.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teases Manuel Pantalones’ (Horatio Sanz) cousin (Bill Hader), and tells guest Jon Heder that Pedro should have been the star of “Napoleon Dynamite.”

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Ashlee Simpson performs “Catch Me When I Fall”First Performed: 10/23/04.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz continues to substitutes for Tina Fey, who’s on materinty leave. Former food court employee, Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his candicacy for the Supreme Court. In an Update Flashback, Lorne Michaels skirts sexual harassment by teasing Amy Poehler about not wearing a bra.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Transcript

Wilson Bros. Funeral HomeSummary: A group of friends come together in the event of another’s death, but, as the days pass, each member of the group ends up in the casket, until (Jason Sudeikis) suspects foul play. Are the deaths coincedental, or is the gang unwitting victims of a commercial?

Note: Production gaffes abound in great numbers, as cameras focus on actors who aren’t speaking and Rachel Dratch can be glimpsed climbing into her coffin and laughing along with Amy Poehler.

Transcript

Hubbard SystemsSummary: The head (Seth Meyers) of the Hubbard Systems retreat seminar comments on the IT technicians who played pranks on the corporate board members who drank too much during the Hawaiian party the night before.

Transcript

Ashlee Simpson performs “Boyfriend”Lyrics

Operator DateSummary: Shy Gary (Jon Heder) is set up on a blind date with Julie (Rachel Dratch), who not only records voice greetings for various companies, but speaks in the same monotone voice when out in public.

Recurring Characters: Julie.

Transcript

The Black Eyed PeasSummary: An appearance by The Black Eyed Peas (Amy Poehler, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Jon Heder) will liven up any party — order them today.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Open Mic NightSummary: Would-be comedians fail miserably when a bar owner (Jason Sudeikis) holds an open mic night.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Jon Heder) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Steve Carell episode, but later appears in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

ElevatorSummary: A woman’s (Rachel Dratch) date (Jon Heder) fails to impress her building’s other tenants or her elevator operator (Kenan Thompson).

Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Fred Armisen) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).

Note: An altered version of this sketch will air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable Packages | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

]]>

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler Good evening, I’m Amy Poehler.

Horatio Sanz: And I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler Tina’s on assignment; she and her husband, Jeff, hada baby girl! [more cheers and applause] That’s right. Alice ZenobiaRichmond was born three weeks ago today, and they’re all doing great,and we send them all of our love. And I think we have a picture.

[a very sloppy drawing of a baby wearing a diaper and glasses is shown,labeled “Artist’s Rendering”]

Aww! That’s nice, she has Tina’s eyes. Beautiful.

Here are tonight’s top stories: In the wake of newly-alleged prisonerabuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment ofIraqi prisoners is hurting the nation’s image. Also hurting thenation’s image: letting people drown when it rains. [picture of aflooded New Orleans]

Horatio Sanz: While appearing before a Senate committeeinvestigating the Katrina disaster, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blancosaid, “We are looking forward, not backward,” at which point she was hitfrom behind by a hurricane. [applause]

Citing rising fuel costs and other expenses, Amtrak announced Tuesdaythat ticket prices nationwide would increase an average of three to fourdollars, starting next Tuesday. While Greyhound can no longer promisetheir passengers that their rides won’t be Flintstone-style.

Amy Poehler: Christian conservatives are claiming that the hitdocumentary “March of the Penguins” supports the theory of intelligentdesign. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent designis refuted in the documentary “March of the Bonaduces.” [applause]

And now with an editorial is our own Horatio Sanz. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: President Bush is a genius! The end.

[awkward pause]

Amy Poehler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s it? You know,you have to kind of explain yourself a little bit.

Horatio Sanz: Fine, I’ll explicate.

Every time Bush screws up, he gets people off his back by doingsomething even more screwed up. The War in Iraq gets knocked off thefront page by the Karl Rove leak, which gets forgotten because of CindySheehan, then Hurricane Katrina comes along.

Amy Poehler: Oh. OK, and that makes him a genius, how?

Horatio Sanz: Well yes, Amy. I mean, I tried this Bush techniquethis past week, and it was very useful. On Wednesday I showed up twohours late for rehearsal, so to distract people from that, I was alsodrunk. [some applause] Then when somebody asked me if I was drunk, Ipunched Rachel Dratch in the neck. When they were putting her in theambulance, I said, “Hey everybody, I’m gonna buy lunch!” Then I orderedfifty pizzas and left without paying!

Amy Poehler: You’re right, Horatio, President Bush is a genius. And so are you.

It was announced today that Paris Hilton broke off her engagement toParis Latsis. Insiders say she may be involved with a record producer. You can trust these insiders, because they have literally been insideher. [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Now with a report on New York’s thriving club sceneis our nightlife correspondent, Finesse Mitchell.

[pan to Finesse; applause]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, thank you. Hey! Now, the New York clubsare the place to be, and be seen. And I, for one, like to go withKenan, because Kenan is really famous. I mean, I’m just snap famous. People see Kenan, they go crazy, “Kenan!!” They see me and theygo, “Oh—uh…” [snapping his fingers in thought] “What’s your name,again?” So it helps to go with Kenan, you know.

But I still do alright once I get in the club. Like, uh, one time—Idon’t wanna brag, but this girl came up to me, and she was buyin’ medrinks all night. But you know how sometimes in-the-club, in-the-darkpretty is different from outside, outside-the-club, in-the-light pretty? Well, you know, to make a long story short, we decided to go hometogether, and on the way home I could see a little bit better now,because she was sittin’ on the passenger’s side, and every five secondsthe street lights would shine in and hit her in the face. And everytime the light hit her, I could see her better, so I was like, ooh! Oh! Oh my God! [pretending to hold onto a steering wheel while repeatedlyducking down in disgust] I think this is a man! Oh my God!

But, see, I wasn’t sure, because you know, she had nice breasts, but shehad real big hands, so you know, I got a little nervous, so you know, Istarted to check her neck for the Adam’s apple, ‘cause that’s what mygranddaddy taught me in fifth grade, “If you not sure, you better checktheir neck!” So I’m tryin’ to drive, and look all up under her neck,and see her neck, but I couldn’t tell, you know. And so then I turnedthe radio down so I could hear a little bit better, you know, ‘cause itwas so loud in the club. And I turned the radio down and I said,“Brenda, are you alright?” And she was like, [in a fake high-pitchedvoice] “Yes, I’m fine!” I was like, oh, that don’t sound right at all!

So my Spidey-sense is tinglin’ and everything, and—but I don’t panic! Idon’t panic, I just outsmart her. I start winkin’ at her, I startblowin’ kisses at her, and I just purposely took my eyes off the roadand I just kept lookin’ at her. And that’s when I let the car driftonto oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. And then that’swhen she said, “Hey, hey, hey—” [his voice very masculine all of asudden] “Watch the road, man, you about to kill us!” [applause] And I was like, “OH! You’re a dude! You’re a man! Get outta my car,you old… pretty man.” I didn’t know what to say to her—him—shim, Ididn’t know what to say to him.

But I’ve been hiding out in my office ever since, and that’s pretty muchthe club report. Yeah.

Horatio Sanz: Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell,everybody! [cheers and applause; Horatio pats Finesse on the back asFinesse winks at the audience]

Amy Poehler: It was reported that Michael Jackson is trying toput his child molestation trial behind him, by reinventing himself as awomanizing hip-hop artist. He’ll go by the name “The NotoriousC.H.I.L.D. M.O.L.E.S.T.E.R.” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: A defense attorney in Pennsylvania has asked ajudge to bar any reference to his client’s nickname in an upcomingmurder trial, saying that jurors might prejudge someone called “Scuz.” Unfortunately, the man’s real name is Stabby von Killerson.

Amy Poehler: The maker of Kids Beer, a Japanese soft drink thatlooks like beer and tastes like Coke, plans to market the beverage inEurope and the United States. You know, it has a catchy jingle, but itdoes give a little bit of a mixed message. It’s like, “Kids Beer isgood—it’s not beer—but it’s good beer, beer is good—not for kids—coolkids drink beer—Kids Beer—it looks like beer—don’t drink it—It’sdelicious!” [applause]

Horatio Sanz: That’s a catchy jingle.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, it is!

Horatio Sanz: In an interview, hip-hop mogul Suge Knight said heis considering quitting rap in a few years, and becoming a collegefootball coach. And to show he’s serious, he’s already shot JoePaterno. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married Saturdayin a super-secret, Kabbalah-style wedding in California. At thereception, Bruce Willis gave a heartfelt, 35-minute smirk.

Horatio Sanz: Chinese scientists will use GPS technology toobserve the sexual practices of giant pandas… I don’t have a joke, Ijust think that’s cool… I wanna keep my eye on that… I like to watch… Ilike to watch bears screw… [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: He does. He sure does.

Now I would, uh, like to take a moment to introduce our two new featuredplayers, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg.

[Pan to Bill and Andy. Applause. They both wave to the camera]

Bill Hader: Hello! Hi everybody.

Andy Samberg: Hi!

Bill Hader: Hi, uh, I’m Bill Hader.

Andy Samberg: And I’m Andy Samberg, and it is good to be here!

Amy Poehler: Now I- now I know Bill here is an impressionist, butI understand Andy also does some great impressions.

Andy Samberg: Uh, thank you Amy. I do, and in fact, we thoughtit’d be fun to have a friendly new-guy impression-off. Um, so, actuallyAmy, if you’d be so kind as to judge?

Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely, why not? Uh, time for a“Weekend Update” Impression-Off. Let’s do it!

[title card is shown, with trumpet fanfare; applause]

OK, alright. Alright, Bill, you go first.

Bill Hader: OK, uh, Peter Falk. [hunches over and crosses hiseyes] “Lessee, jeez, this guy, this guy’s WACKO, I tell ya, he’s reallyWACKO!” Thank you. [applause]

Amy Poehler: That was really good.

Bill Hader: Thank you.

Andy Samberg: Alright, alright. Pretty good, but, uh, how abouta little Jack Nicholson? [clears his throat] Alright, here we go.[without changing his voice at all] “Hey, how’s it going? I’m JackNicholson. Wazzup!!”

[Amy and Horatio burst out laughing. Applause. Bill is clearlyunimpressed]

Bill Hader: OK, uh, my next impression is acclaimed English actorJames Mason… “I have told you before, Lolita, no boys!” Thank you.[applause]

Andy Samberg: That was- that was good, but uh, how about a littledash of Julia Roberts? [clears his throat] “Hey, how’s it going? I’mJulia Roberts, the Pretty Woman. Wazzup!!”

Amy Poehler: Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!

Horatio Sanz: Wazzup!!

Amy Poehler: Wazzup!! I love that!

Bill Hader: [clearly confused] OK, uh, for my final impression,Mr. Christopher Walken.

Amy Poehler: Wait! No! No, Bill, Andy should do Christopher Walken!

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, let Andy do it!

Amy Poehler: Yeah!

Andy Samberg: Uh, OK, here’s Christopher Walken!

“Hey, I’m Christopher Walken. You know, I’m in lots of movies and junk,Wazzuuuuuppp!! [his tongue hanging out; applause]

Bill Hader: OK…

Amy Poehler: Ha ha! He sounded just like him! Wazzup!!Wazzup!!

Bill Hader: OK, you guys, that sounds nothing like ChristopherWalken. And “wazzup,” that’s like a beer commercial from, like, sevenyears ago!

Amy Poehler: Wow, looks like we got a little new guy rivalry.

Andy Samberg: Yeah, maybe your last name suits you, hater!

Bill Hader: [annoyed] It’s Hader with a “d.”

Andy Samberg: [as Bill] “It’s Hader with a ‘d,’ Wazzup!!”[applause]

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! He sounded just like you! He nailedyou!… [calms down] And the winner is Bill Hader.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah.

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Bill Hader and Andy Samberg, everyone!

Andy Samberg: New guys! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: A team of climate experts reported Wednesday thatthe floating cap of ice at the North Pole shrank this summer to itssmallest size in at least a century. Then again, what wouldn’t shrinkin water that cold? Ha ha, you know what I’m sayin’?

Amy Poehler: You know, uh, when I saw it, you were in a sauna, so—

Horatio Sanz: Well, you know, uh, that’s what they say. Eitherreally hot or really cold… heh heh.

Amy Poehler: Is that what they say? [Horatio looks down, embarrassed]

A man returned to his exclusive Hamptons beachfront house after thesummer to find a Bohemian couple having sex in his garden and living inhis home for free. At which point, me and my old man hightailed itoutta there! [some applause]

Rosie O’Donnell has joined Harvey Fierstein in the Broadway revival ofthe musical “Fiddler on the Roof.” Consequently, the roof is now sagging.

For “Weekend Update”—

Horatio Sanz: I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

The Couple That Should Be Divorced

Neil…..Steve Carell
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Waiter…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on restaurant interior, with Neil and Karen taking their seats]

Neil: I’ve heard some great things about this restaurant.

Karen: Hey, why are we at a table for four?

Neil: Oh, uh, yeah, honey, I didn’t know how to tell you this, but Sally and Dan Needler are coming.

Karen: Ugh, Sally and Dan Needler? They’re going to fight all night.

Neil: I–well, listen, Dan is my best friend from school, Karen, plus I heard they’ve been going to some counseling. They should be fine.

[Sally and Dan enter]

Sally: Hey, hi guys!

Dan: Hi guys!

Sally: Sorry we’re late. Someone got pulled over.

Dan: And someone has a crush on a highway patrolman.

Sally: Well, at least he paid attention to me.

Dan: Well, of course he did, honey. You were smiling at him so much, he probably thought you were on crystal meth.

Sally: Wow, someone’s in a mood today.

Dan: [yelling over each other] Oh, am I?

Sally: [yelling over each other] Give me a break!

[hard rock jingle plays with still photo montage]

Male Singer: [singing voice over] “Now they’ve been fighting since their wedding day. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] If you ask your friends, they all say. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” Whoo!” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]

Voice Over: The Needlers.

[dissolve to restaurant]

Dan: So, it’s been ages, Neil. What’ve you been up to?

[the Needlers sit at the table]

Neil: Well, this summer I refinished the basement.

Sally: Oh, a finished basement. [to Dan] So it is possible.

Dan: Make you a deal. I’ll finish it as long as I can sleep in it when it’s done.

Sally: Okay, deal.

[they shake hands bitterly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Dan: Deal, great.

Waiter: [arriving] Hello, everyone. Can I take your drink order?

Karen: [indicating Neil] Oh, he will have a Manhattan.

Neil: [indicating Karen] And she will have a Merlot.

Waiter: All right.

Sally: And what sort of drink do you think I would have?

Waiter: Well, you look like cosmopolitan type girl to me.

Sally: [laughing, flattered] Oh, cosmpolitan? Okay, that sounds good.

Dan: I’ll let the highway patrolman down easy.

Sally: He never makes anything easy. Why should he start now?

Waiter: Ah, sir, what would you like to drink?

Dan: Can I get a scotch on the rocks?

Sally: Like our marriage.

Dan: And can I get that with a splash of water and, like, sixty sleeping pills? Thank you, that’d be great.

[waiter leaves]

Neil: So, how’s the golf game, Dan?

Dan: The golf game’s going pretty great. High score still wins, right? [Neil and Karen chuckle, but Sally sits stonefaced] [to Sally] How come you never laugh at anything I say?

Sally: Say something funny and I’ll laugh.

Dan: Okay. How’s this? Knock-knock.

Sally: Who’s there?

Dan: I’m miserable every waking second!

[Sally and Dan laugh loudly and mirthlessly while Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: [still laughing] Hilarious!

[laughter stops]

Karen: Does everyone know what they’re getting?

Dan: Yeah, I think I’m going to get this beet salad.

Sally: What?

Dan: [slowly] The beet salad.

Sally: Bee salad?

Dan: [more slowly and with extreme emphasis] Beet salad.

Sally: Well, the first two times, you said “bee salad.”

Dan: Yeah, honey, I have a real craving for putting some bees in my mouth.

Neil: So, um, we have an announcement to make.

Karen: [sotto voce to Neil] Oh! I don’t think this is such a good time!

Neil: [sotto voce to Karen] It’s the only way I can get them to stop talking!

Sally: [brightly] Well, what is it?

Dan: Yeah.

Neil: We’re getting married.

Dan: Oh, my God!

Sally: Congratuations!

Dan: That’s fantastic!

Sally: Let me see the ring! [Karen reaches her hand over the table] Oh, wow, Neil really loves you! Gosh, either your ring is twice as big as mine, or I have grotesquely large hands.

Dan: [faux-sweetly] You have grotesquely large hands.

[Neil and Karen stare, nonplussed]

Sally: So, how did you propose?

Neil: Ah, well, I took her to the beach where we first met.

Karen: He had a boat ready and then he made dinner.

Neil: And we had it on a moonlight sail.

Karen: Yeah.

Sally: Wow, so you didn’t get down on one knee in an Applebee’s parking lot and say, “We might as well do this.”?

Dan: And, tell me, Karen, did you wait the traditional six days before saying yes?

Karen: How’s counseling going?

Dan: Really good.

Sally: Really good, actually. I’m learning that I can be a little judgemental.

Dan: And I get to pay two hundred dollars for her to figure that out.

Sally: [shouting] All right, can I talk to you privately for a second?

Dan: [shouting] Of course you can!

[they stand]

Sally: [shouting] Fine!

Dan: [shouting] I would love to talk to you privately!

[they storm into the kitchen]

Karen: Oh, my God.

Neil: Wow, this is bad.

[the sound of glasses and dishes breaking comes from the kitchen]

Karen: Promise me we’ll never be like that?

Neil: I promise.

[the waiter comes out of the kitchen]

Waiter: Um, hi. Hey, we need you to do something about your friends. They’re being really loud.

Karen: Oh, I’m sorry.

Neil: Are they still fighting?

Waiter: No, no, no; they’re actually having sex in the kitchen.

Karen: No!

Waiter: Oh, yeah, they definitely are. I mean, the busboys are totally into it, but it’s, like, a huge health code violation.

[Sally and Dan return to the dining area]

Sally: Okay, sorry about that, everybody. We will pay for dinner.

Dan: Or, more accurately, I’ll pay for it, but we’ll share the credit?

Sally: [yelling into his face] Son of a bitch!

Dan: [yelling into her face] Oh, what?!

[freeze frame]

[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Morgan Stanley

Teacher…..John Lutz
Man…..Will Forte
Ashley…..Amy Poehler
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Dad…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Ashley and her boyfriend standing outside the high school ]

[ tag: “Tappan Regional High School – 2:10 p.m.” ]

[ minivan pulls up to the curb, as an angry man rushes out of it and toward Ashley and her boyfriend ]

Man: You’ve really done it this time, Ashley. Smoking pot at school?

[ Ashley throws her school books to the ground ]

Man: [ bends down to pick up the books ] That’s going to look good on a college application. That’s gonna put you right in the top earning bracket for rest of your life. [ looks at the boyfriend ] Who is this, your dealer? I guess I’m supposed to give him a ride, too? [ throws all the books into the back seat of the minivan ] I’m not kidding when I tell you this, young lady. If you don’t get into a decent college I’m going to empty out your college fund. And so help me, I’ll.. [ thinks of a punishment severe enough ] Buy a boat!

Ashley: Fine!

Man: Fine! [ everyone climbs into the minivan ] You dress like a total whore by the way.

Ashley: I hate you!

Man: Well, I hate stupidity. And you’re going to be paying credit card interest on that street walker outfit until you’re too fat and old to wear it anymore.

Boyfriend: [ whispers to Ashley ] Your Dad’s kind of a dick.

[ now in the driver’s seat, the man violently struggles to adjust the steering wheel ]

Ashley: That’s not my Dad. That’s our Morgan Stanley guy. [ Dad appears in the passenger seat of the minivan ] Hi, Dad.

Dad: Hey, you kids want to go for ice cream?

Man: Damn it, Frank, grow a pair!

Dad: [ silently ] Sorry..

[ Dad looks sullenly out the window, as the Morgan Stanley tag wipes in ]

Announcer: Morgan Stanley, committed to your family’s goals, maybe more than you are.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts