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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Steve Carell’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

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Steve Carell’s Monologue

…..Steve Carell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Carell.

Steve Carell: Thank you very much. This is the season premiere of”Saturday Night Live,” and it is the very first show in high-definition. Amazing. Yeah! Now, you may not know this, but about ten years ago, I auditioned for this very show, and it was between me and another guy, and they chose the other guy.

[ show close-up of Will Ferrell dressed as Craig the Cheerleader ]

Steve Carell: Don’t, uh.. don’t be sad for me, because things have been going pretty well. I’m on a hit series, “The Office.” A critically-acclaimed series, “The Office.” And my movie, “The 40 Year-Old Virgin“, just surpassed $100 million. [ audience cheers ] Now, not a lot of comedies reach the $100 million mark. [ sniffs the air, releasing a heavy sound effect ] Know what that smell is?That is rarified air. See, I’m in the big leagues now. I’m in a category with the Vince vaughns, the Owen wilsons, and the Ben stillers.

[ singing, as he sways into the audience ]
“I’m one of those guys now
Raking the box office numbers.
I’m not bragging, but it’s not bad to brag
When you’re just like Jack Black but better!”

[ Kenan Thompson appears ]

Steve Carell: Hey, Kenan, my movie just made over $100 million!

Kenan Thompson: $100 million?! Who can imagine that much money?!

Steve Carell: I can. I’m the best!

[ continues singing ]
“Hey, move over, will Ferrell
Vince Vaughn, out of my way.
I hear stiller’s a big kiss-ass
And Owen Wilson is gay!”

[ Amy Poehler and Horatio Sanz appear ]

Amy Poehler: I-I-I don’t think Owen Wilson is gay.

Steve Carell: We’re up for the same parts quite a bit. [ a beat ] Hey, guess what, Horatio – my movie broke $100 million. Why don’t you two go buy yourselves a sailboat? [ throws wads of money at Amy and Horatio ]

Horatio Sanz: You’re the best in the biz, Steve carell!

Steve Carell: [ continues singing ]
“I started off on Jon Stewart
Basic cable is way in my past.
Now that I’m box office brilliant
Money falls from my ass!”

[ squats gently, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“I look better in high-definition
Which brings out my baby blue eyes
And shows my teeth’s perfect condition
And did I mention money falls from my ass?”

[ squats gently again, as loud coin sound effects are heard ]

“Everyone, out of my way!
(Everyone, out of his way!)
old ladies and has-beens and children
I’m on the top, and I can’t be stopped.
So stand back, Wilson!
Stand back, Ferrell!
Stand back, Vince Vaughn!
Stand back, Stiller!
I am one of you now, I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!Box-office gold!I’m go-o-o-o-olllld!!”

Steve Carell: We have a great show tonight. Kanye West is here. We’ll be right back.

“I’m go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-olllld….”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Jet Blue Flight #292

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Jet Blue Flight #292

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Larry…..Steve Carell
Pilot…..Chris Parnell
Aaron Brown…..Darrel Hammond
Greg Benedetto…..Seth Meyers
Daniel Lane…..Bill Hader

[open on exterior of aircraft in flight, with caption: “Jet Blue Flight #292; September 21, 2005”]

[dissolve to interior]

Woman: Oh, that was an amazing vacation.

Larry: Oh, three weeks in Burbank. Fantastic.

Pilot: [voice over] Hello, this is your captain speaking. Just wanted to welcome you aboard Jet Blue flight 292, non-stop service to Kennedy Airport. We just reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to turn off the “fasten seatbelts” sign. Oh, and it looks like we’re going to keep the landing gear down for the duration of the flight. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just FYI.

Woman: The landing gear’s down? Is that normal.

Larry: Oh, honey, don’t worry. This is Jet Blue. Everything’s just a little more relaxed.

Woman: Well, they got 35 channels of satellite TV. That’s enough to make me relax. [they put on headsets, and the woman taps the controls a few times to change the channel]

[dissolve to on-board television set with news report]

Aaron Brown: We now join a breaking story out of Burbank, California. The landing gear on Jet Blue flight 292 has malfunctioned, and the plane is about to attempt an emergency landing in Los Angeles.

[dissolve to plane]

Woman: Oh my God, are you watching this?

Larry: I am. I can’t believe it’s the male seahorse that gets pregnant.

Woman: No, not Animal Planet! That’s our plane on TV!

Larry: Yeah, that’s right honey. I know. On Jet Blue, there is TV on the plane.

Woman: No, our plane is on the TV! The landing gear’s broken; we’re making an emergency landing.

Larry: Honey, I think they would tell us if we were making an emergency landing.

Pilot: [voice over] Attention passengers, slight change of plans. Seems like we’re going to make a little pit stop in Los Angeles. Nothing to worry about. We’re also offering a great selection of Terra Blue potato chips. So sit back and enjoy the flight. Thanks again for flying Jet Blue.

Woman: [wraps her arms around herself] Did you hear that?

Larry: Yeah, Terra Blue because it’s Jet Blue. Very clever.

Woman: No, no, they said we’re making an emergency landing.

Larry: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, [removes headphones] we’re making a pit stop. Come on, there’s a big difference. Just relax, okay. Oh, “Charles in Charge”! [puts headphones back on]

[dissolve to news report with caption: “Jet Blue: Code Red?”]

Aaron Brown: New details from inside Jet Blue flight 292. Apparently the flight attendants are serving Terra Blue potato chips , a last meal of sorts for the 140 passengers facing almost certain death.

[dissolve to plane, with woman nervously eating Terra Blue potato chips]

[dissolve to news report]

Aaron Brown: Here to comment on the tragedy is aerodynamic specialist Greg Benedetto. And, Greg, just what are those passengers facing?

[split screen and then dissolve to Greg Benedetto with caption: “Greg Benedetto; U.S. Institute of Aeronautics”]

Greg Benedetto: Well, it’s not pretty, Aaron. The front landing gear is twisted in a ninety degree angle. Using a computer model, we’ve predicted precisely how the plane will land. [dissolve to computer graphic of plane landing on runway with small flames under the front] As you can see, [flames expand to encompass wing] you don’t have to be an expert to see that that’s not good. [small explosions wrack the fuselage] Pretty bad. [a large explosion briefly obscures the entire plane] More explosions. And even with fire trucks on the scene [two fire trucks arrive and immediately burst into flames], it’s doubtful that there would be any survivors. [people on fire run frantically from the plane]

[dissolve to split screen]

Aaron Brown: Now, what are those there?

Greg Benedetto: Oh, those are the survivors, but as you can see from the graphic, they’re not going to make it.

Aaron Brown: Wow, that is really terrific stuff, Greg, just amazing what computers can do. [dissolve to plane]

Woman: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, are you watching this?!

Larry: What? What is going on?

Woman: Our plane is going to explode!

Larry: [removes headphones, and “Charles in Charge” theme song is heard] Oh, honey, how could you know that?

Pilot: [voice over] Hey everyone. Hope you’re enjoying your complimentary beverage. Just a heads up, we’re going to do what we like to call a “Jet Blue how do you do,” which is slang for dumping a bunch of fuel in the ocean. Fun little tradition. Anyway, enjoy the flight.

Woman: Did you hear that? We’re dumping fuel.

Larry: Honey, we’re on a plane. Of course we’re dumping fuel.

[woman’s expression conveys disbelief]

[dissolve to news repot]

Aaron Brown: Joining us now is psychologist Daniel Lane. [split screen] And, Dr. Lane, it’s been suggested that some of the passengers may be watching these events unfold on their in-flight televisions, and how could that affect the situation?

[dissolve to Daniel Lane sitting on a leather chair with title: “Dr. Daniel Lane; Emory University]

Daniel Lane: Well, it’s the age-old question: Do you want to know exactly how and when you’re going to die, or would you rather not know?

Aaron Brown: And what is the professional consensus?

Daniel Lane: Oh, you don’t want to know! Knowing makes it, like, ten times worse. [chuckles]

[dissolve to plane]

Woman: Oh, God! Aaaaah!

Larry: I know, I know, Home and Garden. What a channel!

[dissolve to news report]

Aaron Brown: All right, I am just getting word that we’re going live to the runway where the Jet Blue flight is about to explode.

[dissolve to plane]

Woman: Larry, Larry, are we going to die?! I love you!

Larry: Oh, wow! Your breath smells like potato chips.

Woman: Oh, my God! We’re going to land!

[dissolve to footage of flight 292 successfully landing]

[dissolve to plane interior with applauding passengers]

Larry: Game Show Network, no whammies!

Woman: I can’t believe it, we’re alive!

Pilot: [voice over] Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve arrive in Los Angeles. Not exactly Kennedy Airport, but we did land three hours ahead of schedule. Once again, thank you for flying Jet Blue.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Goodnights

…..Steve Carell

Steve Carell: Thanks to Kanye West! Mike Myers! [ Myers raises his arm ] Adam Levine! Thank you so much, it’s really a dream come true! Thank you to my family! I had a great time!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Girls Gone Wild Katrina

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Girls Gone Wild Katrina

Doug Stanhope…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on a slideshow of flood footage ]

[ SUPER: “Plaquemines Parish, Louisiana August 30th 2005” ]

Announcer: We were all touched by the devestation that was left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. So we traveled to New Orleans to help out with..

[ cut to footage of screaming, jiggling girls from the Girls Gone wild videos ]

Announcer: Girls! Gone! Wild! Katrina!

[ slideshow footage of girls flashing themselves with “Never Before Seen Footage”, “Real Girls”, “Sexy” and “Uncensored” tags covering their breasts ]

Announcer: We flew down in our private party plane with t-shirts and bottles of water, to help out real girls who fell victim to a real hurricane!

[ cut to Doug Stanhope cruising through the floodwaters in a speedboat ]

Doug Stanhope: We’re usually known for making tasteless videos, but we want to do something a little classy, something to help out the unfortunate.

[ reveal an attractive blonde in a cowboy hat standing in the floodwaters behind Doug ]

Attractive Blonde: Hey! Can you give me a ride to the shelter?

Doug Stanhope: Absolutely, absolutely! Show me where babies feed!

[ the attractive blonde lifts her shirt to reveal bare breasts underneath an “Uncensored” tag ]

Attractive Blonde: Whooooooo!!!

Doug Stanhope: Yeah-heh-heh!

[ cut to Doug propelling toward two attractive girls standing in floodwater, as he teasingly waves a couple bottles of water ]

Doug Stanhope: Hey! you guys want some “water”? [ winks at the camera ]

Girls: Yes!

Doug Stanhope: Yeah? Well, show me where the milk comes from! Huh?

[ the two attractive girls lift their shirts to reveal bare breasts underneath “Sexy” and “Hot Hot” tags ]

Announcer: Order today! And discover what real girls will do after a Category 4 hurricane!

[ show two girls exposing their breasts underneath “Hot Hot” and “Sexy” tags, as a midget in a snorkel and a referee outfit pops out of the floodwater giving the thumbs-up to the camera ]

[ cut to Doug drifting toward a woman in a rowboat with her back turned toward him ]

Doug Stanhope: Lady! Show me your —

[ the woman, a FEMA representative, turns around and exposes her breasts without having to be asked fully ]

Doug Stanhope: Hey, hey, hey! Alright, FEMA!

[ more footage of girls standing in floodwater exposing their breasts ]

Announcer: All proceeds go towards rebuilding New Orleans’ famed Bourbon Street.

[ the DVD box cover spins onto the screen ]

Announcer: Girls Gone Wild Katrina! And, if you order today, we’ll include Girls Gone Wild Rita! [ the second DVD box cover spins onto the screen ] Both for only $9.99! Order today!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Debbie Downer

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Debbie Downer

MC…..Kenan Thompson
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Man #2…..Horatio Sanz
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell

[open on reception with bride and groom slow-dancing to the side while four attendees are seated]

MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!

Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!

Man #1: This is one of the best ever!

Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?

Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.

Woman: What?

Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”

Man #1: What?

Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face]

[dissolve to reception]

Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?

Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]

Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.

[everyone at table greets him]

Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face]

[dissolve to reception]

Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]

Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[Man #2 drops his fork]

Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?

Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.

Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]

Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]

Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]

Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]

Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?

Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]

Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah]

[remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]

Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.

Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects]

[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]

Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.

[fade]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: NBC News Special Report

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

NBC News Special Report

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Terry…..Jason Sudeikis
Wolf Blitzer…..Chris Parnell
Nora…..Amy Poehler

[ open on “NBC News Special Report” logo ]

Announcer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Here now, is Tim Russert.

[ dissolve to Tim Russert hunched over at the news desk ]

Tim Russert: Saturday, September 22nd. President Bush, embattled on every front. The war in Iraq. Hurricane Katrina. His top Republican, Tom Delay, asked to step down. And the lowest approval rating of his presidency. Can he, the President, turn it around? The answer is just seconds away. President Bush, speaking live, from the White House. Let’s listen.

[ dissolve to empty podium in the White House press room. Bush approaches the podium. ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Before I take any questions, let me just speak to the American people, about the current situation down there in the Gulf. It’s getting better. I’ve been.. to the area. I’ve gone, uh, seven times. [ chuckles ] And I’ve handed out fresh water, to people who needed water. I did this, without my suit jacket on. You know, I know I was a little late getting down there, but, uh.. now I’ve been down there. Seven times. [ holds up seven fingers ] Heck, you know, I might head on back down there tomorrow. That would be eight. [ holds up eight fingers ] You know, whatever it takes. I don’t want to put a number on it. Maybe 10, or 12. You know, people are still trying to get out of there. And I’m going back in. So, you know I’m in total control of this situation.

Now, uh.. here comes the part I hate. Do you, uh.. have.. any questions? [ looks around ] Terry?

Terry: Uh, Mr. President, Democrats and many Republicans are concerned about the amount of spending this administration has been talking about, somewherearound $400 billion, for both the reconstruction and the war in Iraq. Where is this money going to come from?

President George W. Bush: I went through this before, Terry! You know, it’s going to take what it’s going to take! Stop asking where the money is going to come from. You know, Idon’t like that question. You know, the money is going to come.. from.. where money comes from. You know? If you cut taxes, and you spend more, then you get more. That’s simple math. You know, no money coming in. Money going out. It all evens out. Stupid question. [ looks around ] Blitz?

Wolf Blitzer: Mr. President, if I could, I would like to return to those first few days where it seemed like you and your administration were strangely unaware of the devastation that all of America was seeing on TV. Why do you think the response was so slow coming from the White House?

President George W. Bush: As you may remember, Blitz, when this whole thing started, I was on my usual six-week vacation. You know, like every American takes. You know, I had about a week left. Three days into this terrible tragedy, I made the hard decision to cut my vacation short. You know, I still had two days left. You know, I could have cleared a lot of brush in those two days. But I didn’t. I flew right back to the White House, making sure to fly over the devastation for a quick look-see. You know, when I got back, I sat and waited for someone, anyone, to call FEMA for help and no one called. Not the mayor, not the governor. So I waited some more. Still no call. More waiting. More no calling. Those were hard, hard days. I began to wonder, you know, who’s in charge of this situation? You all know me – I couldn’t wait for ananswer. I sprung into action, and held a speech without my suit jacket on. [ looks around ] Nora?

Nora: Mr. President, many key figures in the Republican Party are under federal investigation. Are you going to hold men like Karl Rove responsible for his actions if he’s found guilty?

President George W. Bush: Well, as you know, uh, Karl is currently under investigation, and it’s the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation.

Nora: Yeah? What about Tom Delay?

President George W. Bush: Also under investigation.

Nora: Bill Frist?

President George W. Bush: Investigation.

Nora: Scooter Libbey?

President George W. Bush: Investigato!

Nora: Jack Abramoff?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I see where you’re going with this, Nora, and I thank you for your question because this is something I want to talk about: 9/11. September 11th was a wake-up call. Katrina was also a wake-up call. And then Rita came along, and it also woke me up. [ chuckles ] I don’t like wake-up calls. I’m a sleeper-Inner. You know, who knows when the next wake-up call is coming? You know, I just hope the next wake-up call is not: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Backstage

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Backstage

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kanye West
…..Mike Myers
…..Steve Carell

(open on Lorne Michaels and Maya Rudolph standing outside Kanye Wests dressing room in the hallway outside the studio. Maya is pregnant and looks to be due any day now.)

Maya: (rubbing her belly) I dunno, I think people can tell.

Lorne: I honestly dont think so.

Maya: Really? I mean Im 8 months pregnant, and I think people are kind of on to it by now.

Lorne: Im standing right next to you and I cant tell.

(Finesse comes up the hallway and slides past them)

Finesse: Excuse me.

Lorne: Hey! I need you!

Finesse: (pointing at Mayas belly) I did not do that! (crowd laughs)

Maya: He still works here? (she exits to the front)

Lorne: I need you to do me a favor and check on Kanye, will you?

Finesse: You want me to make sure hes not gonna say anything crazy before he goes on performance, huh?

Lorne: Exactly, Kee

Finesse: Finesse!! Look, it’s my third season, Lorne! Finesse!

Lorne: I wasnt gonna say Kenan. I was gonna say.. (thinking) keeeeep it real.

Finesse: Oh oh ok ok.

Lorne: Just dont let him know Im worried. That could make it worse.

Finesse: No no. I got it. Ill take care of everything.

(Finesse turns and knocks on the door)

Finesse: Knock knock!! (sings) She gives me money!

(Finesse enters the room and the door closes for like a second before Kanye steps out)

Kanye: You sent the black guy in ’cause you thought I was gonna say something crazy?

Lorne: Uh, Kanye LOOK! (points behind the camera, then runs off the other way down the hall)

(Kanye continues down the hall towards the studio. As he turns the corner, while putting on his shades, he comes upon Mike Myers at the craft services, having a coffee. Audience cheers wildly for Mike)

Mike: (awkwardly) So uh Kanye hey! So uh hows everything goin? (nervous laugh) I havent seen you since uh when was it?

Kanye: The telethon?

Mike: Oh right. I forgot. The telethon. I got a lotta calls about it. Yeah. Mostly from the FBI and the IRS. They uh took away my American citizenship (maniacal laughter). Still got my Canadian one to fall back on. You know Im a Canuck! Pretty sure my phones tapped. They follow me now.

Kanye: (looking distracted) So uh, everythings good?

Mike: Yeah, great. (looks like he expects Kanye to slap him)

Kanye: Well uh, party on, Wayne!

Mike: Party on! Party on! (Kanye leaves and Mike turns and begins sobbing on the table)

(crowd claps and Kanye makes his way to stageside entrance)

Steve Carell: Ladies and gentlemen – Kanye West!!

(Kanye comes out and performs Gold Digger)

Submitted by: Chris Feltham

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05: Anderson Cooper 360

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

05a: Steve Carell / Kanye West

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Mayor Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Mamie Thibodeaux…..Maya Rudolph
Cartrell…..Kenan Thompson
Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler
Al Pacino…..Bill Heder
Ray Romano…..Steve Carell
Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond

(open on Anderson Cooper doing a show intro standing in front of a rebuilding construction site)

Anderson: Good evening Im Anderson Cooper. Devastation in New Orleans, families trying to piece their lives together, cars and trees. Its 7 PM on the east coast, 4 PM on the west. 360 starts now.

(Intro montage of scenes of Katrina devastation with SUPER: Anderson Cooper 360, STATE of EMERGENCY)

Anderson: Im Anderson Cooper and welcome back to this special edition of 360 from Jefferson Parish, La. I stand here amidst, uh, massive devastation among the ruins of a once great city and yet, somehow, I still manage to look great. Im here now with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Mayor Nagin, give us an update.

Nagin: (SUPER: Ray Nagin Mayor of New Orleans) Well Katrina oh my god, we were so desperate after Katrina, I asked for 150 million volunteers. That was way too many. So I told everybody to just go home. But then I realized, I shouldnt have sent everyone home, ya know. We needed some people so, I asked people to come back and it has been an overwhelming show of support, from the whole country. Especially the entertainment community. Although, I DO wanna say, we coulda done without Sean Penn and his boat full of guns. That is not ideal in a crisis situation.

Anderson: So, uh, Mr. Mayor, you have a bit of a celebrity construction crew here.

Nagin: Yes, yes. Despite their general lack of any construction experience, they are helping build this house. I mean, look at that. Tony Danza! (gestures behind him)

(camera and Anderson move back to find Tony Danza working in a long sleeve sport coat audience applause)

Tony: (thick Italian Danza accent) Hey Anderson! Yeah look at me, Im really helpin out. Im really doin it! (chuckle) Me! Tony Danza!

Anderson: Um uh, it looks like youre sawing a chair in half Tony. (laughter)

Tony: (stops sawing) Its the least I could do.

Anderson: Um, lets take the time to meet the family that will be moving in when this house is finished. This is um, Mamie Thibodeaux (camera moves over to Mamie, pregnant, dressed in curlers and a Miami Heat jersey) um, who completely lost her home in hurricane Katrina but shes already moving into a new one thanks to the generosity of these very familiar faces. Mrs. Tibodeaux, how are you?

Mamie: (SUPER: MAMIE THIBODEAUX) Well, to think that just a few days ago we didnt have no house, no food, no clothes see we still wouldnt have any clothes if it wasnt for the good people at the Boudreaux costume shop.

Cartrell: Mama!!

(camera pans over to her 3 young boys, dressed in Halloween costumes, Cartrell dressed as Spongebob Squarepants)

Cartrell: Why I gotta be Spongebob? (laughter & applause)

Mamie: You should just be happy to have clothes on your back Cartrell!

Tony: Hey! (holding up an autographed T-shirt) You guys want a Tony Danza t-shirt?

(All 3 boys shake their heads and mumble no)

Sharon: (off-camera) Ohhh ho! Painting is WONderful!!

(Anderson moves back behind Mamie to Sharon Stone painting a wall and Al Pacino installing a door at a 45 degree angle to the actual door frame)

Anderson: Well uh, this is interesting. Lets take a look over here. Weve got a couple of Oscar nominated, uh, carpenters of sorts. We have Sharon Stone & Al Pacino (Al turns around, slouched at the shoulders, and nods at the camera while Sharon smiles widely) um, there we are um.

Sharon: (leaning back and arching her back to talk to the microphone) Hello Anderson!

Anderson: Um, Sharon tell us, do you have any previous experience with construction?

Sharon: (shakes head and chuckles) Absolutely not, but I have partied with a few construction workers.

Anderson: And um, Mr Pacino, um, Im no expert here, but, I think youre trying to put a door where a window is supposed to be.

Pacino: Anderson. We are building a new house in New New Orleans. Well put the doors wherever we want. (audience chuckles) What?!?! (Pacino turns and looks to his left) Awwww! There a shihtzu stuck in a Spanish oak tree. I go to save that dog. (audience laughs and claps)

(camera pans over and Cartrell has joined Anderson)

Cartrell: Man Im telling you, he has saved that dog like 5 times already but he keeps goin back up in the tree! Im pretty sure its scared of Pacino.

(gunshot is heard from off camera in direction Pacino went. Cartrell and Anderson cower and look around)

Anderson: Uh were hearing some gunshots from outside. Its hard to know exactly what it could be.

(Ray Romano comes around a corner behind Anderson)

Uh hold on I see Mr. Ray Romano is coming inside.

Ray: Yeah, uh hey everybody, its OK. (audience claps in approval of Steve Carells impression of Ray Romanos voice)

Anderson: So uh, tell us Ray, uh, what happened?

Ray: Aaaaaaa, it’s just Sean Penn. Hes shooting at the FEMA helicopters, cause theyre mad that they showed up late.

Anderson: OK, I see and um, what have you been doing out here Ray?

Ray: Aaaaaaa, mostly, trying to keep Sean Penn calm, you know (more gunshots from outside along with helicopters). Its uh, not really working. I better go check on this. On the positive side, I think hes almost out of ammo.

Anderson: Ok thanks, keep up the good work Ray.

Aaron: (off camera, sung to the tune of Everybody plays the fool) “Everybody plays the blues, sometiiiime.”

Anderson: (shakes head) I think we can assume that those dulcet tones can mean only one thing um (Anderson moves to right to find Aaron Neville hammering away) New Orleans own Aaron Neville.

(audience cheers)

Aaron: (to the tune of I dont know much) “I dont know much, but I know how to hammer a nail into a wall, and that may be, all theyre willing to let me do.” (applause as Aaron picks the hammer back up and begins banging).

Anderson: Well from the looks of things, those nails are clearly not going in the right place (the wall has about 30 nails sticking out of it pointing in all different directions) but uh, I think we can rest assured that Mr. Nevilles heart is in the right place. (As he says this, the hammer slips out of Aarons hand on the backswing and flies off behind them) Oh my goodness!! Um er, wha, what happened there Mr. Neville?

Aaron: (in Aaron Neville singing style, taking microphone from Anderson) “I got too much cocoa-butter lotion on my hands. Woooo Oooooo!” (hands microphone back to Anderson)

Anderson: (shakes microphone off) People helping people, or more accurately, famous people helping regular people. Its obviously a very exciting time here. (Geraldo Rivera and his cameraman come around the corner behind Anderson and moves up next to him)

Geraldo: This is Geraldo Rivera for FOX news (crowd applause)

Anderson: Actually, no um, its 360 Im Anderson Cooper (Geraldo turns and looks at him and Anderson sheepishly shies away) um, OK.

Geraldo: Im reporting live from the cretinous crater of the crescent city catastrophe, where the last few days Ive saved literally thousands of babies, black babies, white babies, this morning I saved an asian baby. When it comes to saving babies, Geraldo Rivera is colorblind, in fact, Im about to save this baby right now. (camera pans to one of Mamies sons, who is dressed as a baby in yellow PJs, blue bonnet and pacifier) He is going to go

Cartrell: Hey man!

Geraldo: Huh?

Cartrell: He aint no baby. Hes 32 years old.

Geraldo: (turns to Cartrell) As you can see, this young man is in the grips of a dastardly delirium brought on by the buffeting blasts of Katrinas gale force onslaught. My first priority is to get him to safety aboard my flotilla, fashioned from flotsam and jetsam and the silky hairs of my own mustache. (loud gunshots, Geraldo flinches and stays hunched as he and his cameraman hurry off to the right) And thats it for me, Geraldo Rivera FOX news.

Anderson: (passing Geraldo as he comes back onscreen) Well we will uh, take this as our cue to go as I suspect and (looks off to the right as we hear sound of a car being started and driven off) yes Im right, Geraldo has taken our van. This is Anderson Cooper join me tomorrow when Ill be wearing a new Roberto Cavalli raincoat. Youre watching 360.

(crowd cheers as closing scene SUPER comes up)

Submitted by: Chris Feltham

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Carell: 10/01/05

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 31: Episode 1

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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

October 1st, 2005

Steve Carell

Kanye West

None

Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers

Adam Levine
NBC Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) relunctantly participates in a Q&A session about recent current events.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tim Russert, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

Transcript

MontageNote: Tina Fey is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Steve Carell’s MonologueSummary: Following his big-screen success as “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others.

Bio: Steve Carell (1963-). Comedian; auditioned to join cast of SNL in 1995, beat out by Will Ferrell; married to short-term SNL cast member Nancy Walls since 1995; voiced superhero Gary in the Ambiguously Gay Duo” cartoons on short-lived “Dana Carvey Show”, 1996, and SNL, 1996-2002; correspondent on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”, 1999-2001; star of the American version of “The Office” since 2005; big-screen credits include “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” (2005).

Also Hosted: 07l.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Transcript

Jet Blue Flight #292Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming.

Transcript

Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) reports from the floodwaters of New Orleans, as a barrage of inept celebrities build housing for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Sharon Stone, Al Pacino, Aaron Neville, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: Anderson Cooper says he’s reporting from Jefferson Parish (bordered by Orleans Parish), but, given the set-up and the appearances of Ray Nagin and Aaron Neville, the sketch is more likely set in New Orleans’ Ninth Ward neighborhood, where residential damages match those portrayed in the sketch.

Transcript

The Couple That Should Be DivorcedSummary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.

Note: When this sketch was performed last season, Sally and Dan’s last name was “Harrison.”

Transcript

Girls Gone Wild KatrinaSummary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims — aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs!

Transcript

BackstageSummary: Behinds the scenes at Studio 8-H, Maya Rudolph worries that her pregnancy shows, while Lorne Michaels sweats out the possibility of Kanye West causing controversy during his performance. While heading for the stage, Kanye West runs into Mike Myers, whose life hasn’t been easy since they appeared together at the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Gold Digger” & Touch The Sky”Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time.

Also Performed: 07a.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: “The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour” returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel “Fun With Real Audio” cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations.

Note: TV Funhouse opens upon return from a commercial break, as it had in its early days, instead of between sketches.

Kanye West and Adam Levine perform “Heard ‘Em Say”Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5.

Cameos: 07a.

Debbie DownerSummary: At a wedding reception, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) finds romance with like-minded Bob Bummer (Steve Carell).

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Katrina RescueSummary: A heroic man (Chris Parnell) goes on a rescue mission in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and thwarts looters (Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell).

Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: This commercial parody airs on next week’s live show, and repeats a few more times throughout the season.

SonogramSummary: When an expectant mother (Maya Rudolph) goes in for a sonogram, the baby (Rachel Dratch) on the monitor requests that the doctor (Steve Carell) take her mother off Mexican food and Norah Jones music.

Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Steve Carell) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater.

Note: This sketch eventually airs in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

Carol!Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong.

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

HospitalSummary: While in the hospital, a man (Horatio Sanz) is treated simultaneously by an optimistic doctor (Steve Carell) and a pessimistic doctor (Chris Parnell).

Talk RadioSummary: Talk radio hosts (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) banter about NBC’s Fall line-up.

SNL Transcripts

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