Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil….Darrell Hammond
Ken….Tom Brady
Jamie….Rachel Dratch
Buddy….Rob Riggle
Gary….Seth Meyers
Vanessa….Amy Poehler

[Opens with Dr. Phil’s logo. Music theme. Cuts to Dr. Phil in a suit, balding head, moustache, sitting in his TV show studio]

Dr. Phil: [southern accent] Welcome back. Today, we’re talking about emotional intelligence. Some men just don’t have it. Our next couple is Jamie and Ken. Jamie says Ken is not responding to her emotional needs. And for her last birthday Ken gave her a coupon for 10 free car washes. [audience oooh’s] And Jamie doesn’t even have a car.[audience oooh’s] And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look.

[Hidden video streaming from Jamie and Ken’s home]

Jamie: Dr. Phil, my husband just doesn’t get it.

[Hidden video from the home’s kitchen. Dogs barking, kids yelling. Ken walks in with groceries and puts them down. The conversations show up in caption at the bottom of the screen]

Ken: Hi, honey.

Jamie: Hi.

Ken: I’ve got a really special evening planned for us.

Jamie: Really?

Ken: All my buddies are here to play poker, for you!

[Guys cheering come into the kitchen with beer, one thumps his chest with Ken]

Jamie: He means well but it just comes out all wrong.

[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie modeling a pair of pants to Ken. Ken eats a sandwich]

Jamie: Honey, does this pants make me look fat?

Ken: Yes, they do.

Jamie: He never picks up on my signals.

[Cut to more hidden video. Ken reads magazine on his couch. Jamie gets seductively close to Ken]

Jamie: Hey, the kids are at a sleepover’s tonight. We have the whole house for ourselves.

Ken: That’s great! I’m going to go smoke cigarettes and watch “Porky’s”![leaves]

[Cut to more hidden video of Jamie sobbing in her couch]

Ken: Are you crying or laughing?

Jamie: I’m crying.

Ken: Oh, cause it sounded like you were laughing. I thought you were watching Leno or something. Have a good one.[leaves]

[Jamie’s drops on the couch sobbing hysterically]

Jamie: Help me, Dr.Phil. You’re my only hope.

[Cut to the TV studio. Ken and Jamie sit next to Dr. Phil]

Dr. Phil: Ken, Jamie, welcome.

Ken: Hi.

Jamie: Hi.

Dr. Phil: Ken, when it comes to understanding your wife and her emotional needs you are about a buck short of a dollar.

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: I, I meant–do y’all understand that the two of you are not on the same page? I mean, can we agree that she’s ordering coffee and you’re giving her pea-soup?

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: She wants you to pick the kids up at soccer and you respond by building a doghouse with a slide on it. Does that seem weird?

Ken: Yes, sir.

Dr. Phil: Well, it should. Because she’s over here setting up a lemonade stand and you’re strapping on hockey gear getting ready to shoot a sandwich outta the sky!

Ken: I agree.

Dr. Phil: Don’t agree with that, Ken. That was gibberish. I was testing you. Now, Ken I want you to look Jamie in the eyes and give her 3 compliments.

Ken: Ok, sure.[turns to Jamie] Umm, number one–you are my wife. Number two–your sweater is pretty. This is hard. How many do I got?

Dr. Phil: One more, buddy.

Ken: Ok, uh, number three—I like your boobs. Yes! I did it![looks for a high-five,she high-fives him reluctantly]

Dr. Phil: Ken.[long pause]Do you know what you remind me of? Did you ever have a dog and you point to where you want that dog to go and all that dog does is look at your finger? I mean, basically I’m pointing out the problems and you’re looking at my finger.

Ken: You’re right. You got me. I do have a dog.

Dr. Phil: Good Lord. Ken, how far you push your Q-tips when you clean your ears? Did you ever touch brain?

Ken: No, sir.

Dr. Phil: I didn’t think so. Because she’s giving you the international sign for choking and you’re trying to make shadow puppets in a dark room wearing a tuxedo t-shirt humming the theme from “Arthur”.

Ken: I understand.

Dr. Phil: You can’t possibly understand cause it didn’t make any sense! Stay alert, Ken. Some of these are traps. Now, I’m going to ask Jamie to show you a range of emotions and I want you to identify them for me.[gives Jamie some index cards]

Ken: Ok, ok.

[Jamie makes a sad face]

Ken: Happy.

[Jamie makes an angry face]

Ken: Happy.

[Jamie makes a frightened face]

Ken: Pooping! I nailed it![looks for a high-five]

Jamie: Ken![reluctantly high-fives Ken]

Dr. Phil: Ken, do you want to work this out? Or, do you want your wife to get fed up and leave you?

Ken: Is these one of those traps?

Dr. Phil: No. Ken, I want you to look in Jamie’s eyes and tell her “I love you”.

Ken: Ok.[looks into Jamie’s eyes] Dr. Phil loves me!

[Slap!]

[Dr. Phil slaps Ken in the face]

Dr. Phil: Yes! Looking good! When we come back, we’ll talk to Gary and Vanessa who say they haven’t had sex since their son was born.

[Cuts to Gary and Vanessa in the audience with their 12 year old son. All with miserable look in their faces]

[Dr. Phil’s logo. Theme music]

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

A Message From Congressman Tom Delay

Tom Delay…..Chris Parnell

[ open on U.S. House of Representatives seal ]

Announcer: The following is a message from Congressman Tom Delay.

[ dissolve to Tom Delay seated at desk ]

Tom Delay: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m Tom Delay, representative from the 22nd District of Texas, and Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives.

For the last several weeks, I have been the target of a smear campaign by the Democratic Party and the right-wing media. Falsely charged with ethical improprieties and threatened with frivilous indictments for non-existent offenses. And, why? Partly, because I did all the things they accused me of. But, mostly, because my critics can’t stand the fact that I’m a strong, conservative voice in Congress, and an effective leader of my party.

You see, with our slim majority, it’s not always easy to get legislation through the House. That’s where I come from. As Majority Leader, I’m the guy who makes sure that each and every Republican backs the President’s agenda. Even if he disagrees with part of it, even if it’s politically dangerous. In nailing down their vote, I try to use the carrot. But, if necessary, I don’t hesitate to use the stick.

Now, do I always succeed? No. Sometimes a member from a moderate, or a swing district, will be afraid to support the President on a certain issue.

For example, Congressman Bob McKibben of Ohio.

[ cut to stock footage of a car exploding, with SUPER: “Rep. Bob McKibben, (R-OH)” ]

Tom Delay: Others might vote against us because an administration proposal will hurt an important industry in their district. Like Dale Givens of Oklahoma.

[ cut to stock footage of a man crashing through an interior window, with SUPER: “Rep. Dale Givens, (R-OK)” ]

Tom Delay: And, sometimes, one of our people won’t vote with us, not because he’s angry with the President, or because it’s risky politically, but simply because the man sincerely believes a piece of legislation is bad punblic policy. And, though they may frustrate me, such people always have my respect. People like Congressman Hastings Dodge of Arizona.

[ cut to stock footage of a car careening over a cliff and exploding upon ground impact, with SUPER: “Rep. Hastings Dodge, (R-AZ)” ]

Tom Delay: So, on any given vote, we may lose a few members here and there. But, since I’ve been Majority Leader, we’ve never failed to pass a bill. Although, we almsot had a tie once, when one of our members threatened to abstain.

[ cut to stock footage of a man in flames stumbling about the exterior of a log cabin, with SUPER: “Rep. Jim Flower, (R-GA)” ]

Tom Delay: But even Jim came around in the end. You see, although my manner might be brusque, and my tactics aren’t always.. [ makes quotes signs ] “popular,” I get the job done. And that’s why they’re out to get me. So, remember, if you should come across one of those vicious anti-Delay pieces by David Stratten in the Wahington Post —

[ cut to stock footage of a man falling from the roof of a tall building, with SUPER: “David Stratten, Reporter-Washington Post” ]

Tom Delay: Or, worse – the series about me in the L.A. Times by Allison Waller and Joe Levin —

[ cut to stock footage of a two people bursting through an exterior window, as an explosion detonates behind them, with SUPER: “Allison Waller & Joe Levin, Reporters-Los Angeles Times” ]

Tom Delay: — you know their real agenda. And, needless to say, don’t even bother reading the Miami Herald.

[ cut to stock footage of a building collapsing, with SUPER: “Offices of Miami Herald (Simulation)” ]

Tom Delay: Now that you know the facts, I hope I can count on your support. Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
April 16th, 2005

Tom Brady

Beck

None

Martin Short

John Lutz

JB Smoove

Jason Sudeikis
A Message From Congressman Tom DelaySummary: Majority Leader Tom Delay (Chris Parnell) explains how he’ll use any means necessary — including cinematic violence — to ensure full backing on the President’s agenda.

Transcript

Tom Brady’s MonologueSummary: Even though cast members Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Seth Meyers, Finesse Mitchell and Amy Poehler attempt to stop him, Tom Brady performs a musical number to show off the diversity of his talents.

Bio: Tom Brady (1977-). Athlete; quarterback for the New England Patriots; the youngest starting quarterback ever to win the Super Bowl, twice as its most valuable player; together, Brady and the Patriots have won three Super Bowls since 2002.

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The potent juice can keep a man sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/04.

TouchdownSummary: While at the carnival, Alan (Tom Brady) is obsessed with throwing a football into a hole and winning a teddy bear for his wife (Maya Rudolph). Naturally, everyone else — from a gay couple (Seth Meyers, Fred Armisen) to an arthritic old lady (Amy Poehler) in a wheelchair — can do it with one throw.

Transcript

Dr. PhilSummary: The topic is Emotional Intelligence, as Dr. Phil (Darrell Hammond) interviews married couple Jamie (Rachel Dratch) and Ken (Tom Brady). Ken’s cluelessness in identifying Jamie’s feelings ultimately baffles Dr. Phil.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil.

Transcript

The FalconerSummary: The Falconer (Will Forte) is arguing with Donald about whose fate is rougher, since Donald can eat all his favorite treats in the woods but The Falconer doesn’t have access to Snickers bars. A bolt of lightning causes them to switch bodies. Now in Donald’s body, The Falconer desperately searches for the antidote, especially when a drifter (Tom Brady) passes through the woods with a backpack full of Snickers he has no use for.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Hilary Swank and Cameron Diaz.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rog Smigel’s live-action film for General Electric, “Sexual Harassment And You”, demonstrates that female employees Lisa (Amy Poehler) and Tina (Tina Fey) will accept physical advancements from handsome co-worker Greg (Tom Brady) over unattractive co-worker Frank (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Tom Brady’s Falafel CitySummary: Tom Brady joins the ranks of Derek Jeter, Al Sharpton, and Donald Trump by opening his own themed restaurant franchise and becoming an executive MBA in the New Jersey area.

Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung.

Transcript

Beck performs “E-Pro”Note: Beck becomes a five-time musical guest tonight.

First Performed: 96j.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Celebrity interviewer Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) announces the latest volume of his Best Of DVD set, which scrapes the bottom of the barrel of his many interviews and features an excerpt of his 1975 interview with SNL’s producer, Lorne Michaels (Will Forte).

Transcript

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to be a member of her Uncle Scott’s (Tom Brady) wedding party, until Uncle confides to Rick (Horatio Sanz) that’s he having second thoughts about giving up the single life.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Behind The Music: The Super Bowl ShuffleSummary: VH-1 takes a look back at the 1985 Chicago Bears, who found extra fame as a one-hit wonder rap group who couldn’t duplicate its success.

Transcript

Beck performs “Girl”Lyrics

The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episodes hosted by Queen Latifah.

Why Brady?Summary: While wandering backstage, Tom Brady runs into Peyton Manning (Seth Meyers) and Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother (Kenan Thompson), who would all like to know why Tom was chosen to host SNL over the other two football stars.

Recurring Characters: Donovan McNabb, Donovan McNabb’s Mother.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jasper the Parrot IISummary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Tom Brady) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

The OfficeSummary: The boss’ (Chris Parnell) wife (Amy Poehler) has an affair with one of his employees (Tom Brady).

Bear CitySummary: A bear works in a video rental store.

AuctionSummary: Three men (Will Forte, Tom Brady, Chris Parnell) hold an auction to determine which one is better than the other two.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Woo! The Musical

Girl 1…..Cameron Diaz
Guy 1…..Fred Armisen
Girl 2…..Rachel Dratch
Guy 2…..Will Forte
Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Guy 3…..Rob Riggle
Sherry…..Maya Rudolph
Guy 4…..Horatio Sanz
Jervis DuBois…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Spring Break, we’ve all been there, whether we remember it or not. Now the magic of spring break, meets the magic of the theater, in the brand new musical “Woo!”

(sound effect of people going woo!)

(Cameron Diaz is standing with a gaudy background)

Girl 1: (singing) I’ve never been anywhere like this before, I’m a straight ‘A’ student from Oklahoma City. But now that I’m in Mexico, I’m ready to grow I’m ready to know, I’m ready to show the woman that’s inside of me! [unbuttons her top] WOO!

Announcer: The Daytona sun says: It’s like a musical, and it’s about spring break.

(Rob Riggle and Rachel Dratch are standing together, Rachel is drinking something out of a coconut)

Guy 3: Sup?

Girl 2: Hi.

Guy 3: Hey, my buddy wanted me to give your bathing suit bottoms back.

Girl 2: Oh that’s sweet.

Guy 3: Take it light (exits)

Girl 2: (singing) Who was his friend? I wish I knew. Was it Drew, or was it Hugh? It might be Stu, what was his name!? Oh yes, it was Darnell! (whispers) Darnell!!

Announcer: Allison Grove of the Galveston Journal said, “this musical lasted almost two hours.”

(Will Forte and Fred Armisen are sitting next to each other on chairs)

Guy 2: Bro, I just wanted to let you know I was really polluted last night.

Guy 1: Yeah, it’s ok, so was I dude

Both: (singing) We don’t remember a thing we did last night,

Guy 1: Do we bro?

Guy 2: You tell me, do we bro?

Guy 1: No we don’t, bro

Guy 2: Then we’re cool, bro.

Guy 1: Yes we are, bro.

Both: Then lets go bro’ing at some huevos rancheros

Announcer: With special guest Artist, Jervis DuBois from “The Young and The Restless.”

The Miami Hearald says “Of all the shows Jervis DuBois has done, this one is the most recent”

(Kenan Thompson is on a Porch)

Jervis DuBois: (singing) Where do all the black people go on spring break? They sure as HELL ain’t here in Dumoins Hotel. Where are they? Oh where they at?

Announcer: The Fort Lauderdale Chronicle says, “The theater was really cold, I wish I had worn a sweater.”

(Cameron Diaz has a cup in her hand and is being cradled by Horatio Sanz)

Guy 4: (singing) Girl you make me feel so tight, like Coors beer light. Don’t know ‘bout you but yo, it just feels right (spins Cameron out to dance) Will you visit me at Texas A&P?! (Cameron spews on Horatio’s belly)

Girl 1: WOO!

Announcer: The Saratota Times says, “The snacks at intermission were expensive”

(Maya Rudolph stands with a bunch of girls next to her)

Sherry: (very perky) HI GUYS! I’m Sherry from Western Michigan University! And I just got the Spring Break Fever!!

Sherry and Girls: WOO!

(All the characters come in behind her)

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Spring O-Five!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Sleepin’ on the floor ya’ll!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

SherryMysterious bruises!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Intestinal Parasites!

Sherry and Others: WOO!

Sherry: Mexican Clinics, eatin’ the worm ya’ll! Loosin’ my keys, loosin’ my purse and my virginity! OH!

All: SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: “Woo!” Now playing at the Fort Lauderdale Sheraton. Ticket admission $20, or get in free if you show us your ta-ta’s

Submitted by: Kim C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker Bowles…..Fred Armisen
London Palace Guard…..Rob Riggle
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attended by a US delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Sr., Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush, and one well-hidden Game Boy.

Tina Fey: According to Vatican protocol, voting to select the next Pope will begin on April 18th, and insiders say there are four leading candidates – Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, Cardinal Angelo Scola of Italy, and Bo Bice. Now, I’m not a theologian or anything, but ya’ll should pick Pope John Paul III, duh, it’s not rocket science. Huh… ain’t broke.

Amy Poehler: Al Gore announced that he’s creating an independent cable TV network call Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year old and focus on technology, culture, fashion, [starts or drown out as if bored] television, music, politics, parenting, and the environment… Oh My God, even his cable channel won’t shut up! Ugh!

Tina Fey: It was reported this week that House Majority Leader Tom Delay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists, and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action comity. Delay referred to the allegations as: “Just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions, words, and illegal doings.”

Amy Poehler: Earlier today, Prince Charles and his long time mistress Camilla Parker Bowles were finally wed. We take you now live to the reception, which from the looks of it appears to still be in full swing. Prince Charles, can you hear us?

[Cut to a room where Charles and Camilla are sitting in chairs side by side with a London Palace Guard right behind them]

Prince Charles: Yes Amy. Although I have to admit it’s hard to hear anything over the sound of my beating heart.

Camilla Parker Bowles: [somewhat crying] O…Oh Charles…

Prince Charles: Yes Camilla…

[Both lean in to kiss but the Palace Guard puts his hands on their faces to keep them apart before they do]

Amy Poehler: So um, you must be happy?

Prince Charles: Oh, of course! 30 years of waiting Amy, and from now on the first thing I get to see every morning is this face…

[He turns to look at Camilla who is crying very unflatteringly]

Prince Charles: Oh Camilla..

Camilla Parker Bowles: Oh Charles…

[They lean in to kiss but are once again stopped by the Guard]

Amy Poehler: Who’s that guy in the middle?

Prince Charles: This is a palace guard assigned to keep us off of each other.

Camilla Parker Bowles: They passed a law.

Prince Charles: Yes in Parliament, unanimous I hear. But Nigel is fantastic! Just watch…

[To demonstrate he tries to kiss Camilla but is stopped]

Amy Poehler: So… how do you like your assignment, Nigel?

Guard: I’ve got a strong stomach… makes me right for this sort of thing.

[Charles and Camilla again try to kiss. When the guard puts his hand between them they keep kissing his hand]

Guard: All right, all right, that’s enough, that’s enough!

Tina Fey: Aw, they’ve waited 30 years for this!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, let ‘em have a kiss.

Tina Fey: Let ‘em go.

Guard: As you wish.

[Charles and Camilla startled, slowly flail about making kissing faces and whatnot]

Tina & Amy: No no! Stop it!

Guard: Per your decision…

[Guard once again stops them. They continue to rub their hands on each other’s arms]

Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles everyone! Aren’t they a cute couple?

Tina Fey: No they’re not. But that’s nice they’re not cute. It’s good.

And in sports news, God hates golf too! [Shows a picture of Rain delays]

“The View” co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth Wednesday to a baby girl, and Barbara Walters has reportedly already harvested the baby’s soul so she can continue to live forever…. Best Wishes!

Amy Poehler: A Brooklyn man’s life was saved when he bent down to pick up a tube of Chap Stick and a stray bullet whizzed past his head. [Proceeds to open and apply some Chap Stick to her lips] It’s finally nice to see some positive press about those of us who use Chap Stick we find in the street.

Tina Fey: Can I get some of that?

Amy Poehler: Uh! Tina don’t be gross!! [Laughs to audience as she points with thumb at Tina]

This season’s “Sesame Street” will begin running stories about healthy eating habits with Cookie Monster learning that there are any time foods like vegetables and sometimes foods like cookies. Executives are also considering changing the characters name to Pilates Monster. [Shows picture of Cookie Monster doing Pilates] Tight abs.

Tina Fey: He’s on the Cadillac.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa… Jokes on you dummies… I’m not really a lawyer!

Amy Poehler: A new study has found that the active ingredient in marijuana reduces artery clogging in mice. According to the mice, this was without a doubt the best science experiment they’ve ever been a part of.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has been hit with a lawsuit by a woman who claims he passed along the herpes virus to her in 2003. Even more shocking, he passed it to her from 60 yards away.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling lunch mean from Syracuse, New York hit a barricade and careened out of control Tuesday causing it to catch fire. And so goes the opening scene of “Quizno’s: The Movie.”

Beauticians in Australia are currently offering sphincter bleaching to female customers who want to whiten the dark skin around their rectal areas. So…

Tina & Amy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL DRATCH!!

[Rachel Dratch is shown in the box where a story picture usually goes but it’s live video of her]

Rachel Dratch: Hey! You guys! [sighs]

Tina Fey: That ruined the Weekend Update…

Amy Poehler: Ah… enjoy it Rachel, enjoy it!

Scientists said this week that they have drilled a hole into the lower section of the earth’s crust and they were poised to break through mantle in coming years. This could allow scientists to learn how the earth was formed or it could send us hurtling into the sun.

According to a new report, about one in five high school freshmen report having had oral sex and one third of them say they intend to try it soon… AT KAREN’S PARTY THIS WEEKEND!

Tina Fey: A 40-year-old woman who is still lactating has volunteered to breast feed a pair of endangered Bengal tiger cubs. And, of course, you know she’s gonna do it sitting next to me in the airport. [Sighs]

Amy Poehler: Five jockeys at a horse race in Australia were attacked by an angry flock of seagulls.

Tina Fey: And…

Amy Poehler: And they ran! They ran so far away. Couldn’t get away.

Tina Fey: That’s very sad.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. A Washington State couple spent $45,000 on a stem cell transplant for their dog who’s recovering from lymphoma. The dog showed its appreciation by taking a dump on their bed.

Announcer: And now, a Dramatic Weekend Update Play…

Tina Fey: In science news, a new study show that tree frogs…

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Tina. Sorry I’m late.

Tina Fey: Where have you been?

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry I had a press junket. You look nice, are those new glasses?

Tina Fey: No, same old glasses. Let me just go get him ok?

Jimmy Fallon: How’s it goin’?

Amy Poehler: It’s goin’ great.

Jimmy Fallon: Is that my old jacket?

Amy Poehler: No, I have my own jacket.

Jimmy Fallon: I was just asking… look I know this whole thing is kinda messed up. I never intended this to be…

Tina Fey: Okay, I packed his allergy medicine and if he gets scared at night just play him that Nichols and May DVD. And do me a favor; don’t take him to the VMAs this time!

Jimmy Fallon: He loved it! He met Ja Rule.

Tina Fey: He was throwing up Red Bull for two days.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey buddy, how’s it going?

Kid: I hate Taxi!

[Tina puts her hand over his mouth]

Tina Fey: He’s just upset that you haven’t been around. We’re all a little upset.

Amy Poehler: I’m not.

Jimmy Fallon: You know, boo, I just… [Leans in to kiss but Tina ends up stopping it]

Tina Fey: Just go.Jimmy Fallon: All right. Come on Lorne.

Announcer: This has been a Dramatic Weekend Update Play.[Tina, Amy, Jimmy, and the kid all hold hands and take a bow]

Amy Poehler: We did it you guys, we did it! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler…

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Edwina Peppermint…..Cameron Diaz
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]

[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Wedding Royale,” or “Thrilla in Camilla.” [graphic of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles at their wedding at top left] Well, Charles and Camilla were married despite delays and a queen who conspired to royally flush it down the toilet. Charles said he understands his mother’s absence, but Camilla says the queen was being an Eliza-bitch. No word on the honeymoon, but knowing those two, they’re probably already back at the palace, bucking hams. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of male and female silhouettes with question mark at top right] What super duo is reportedly on the rocks? I won’t la-chey, but things are a total mess-ica. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson] Ooo-eee-ooo!

Ian: [graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen in torn picture at top left] And now, “Sorry Charlie,” or “For Richer and for Poorer.” Well, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have split. Charlie wants another chance, but Denise says she’s sheen enough. She says his cheating ways took her out at de-knees. With Charlie available again, we hear his phone is ringing off the hooker. She says he spent time with porn stars. He says those relationships were strictly “Platoon”-ic. What’s that? Didn’t like that last one? Me, neither. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of Hugh Grant at top right] What fit Brit news correspondent pulled a Pat O’Brien and has been leaving Hugh Grant X-rated voice mails? I’ll give you one clue: If you called her mobile, I’d answer. Ooo-eee-ooo! [graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder]

Ian: And now, let’s go to our “Desperate Housewives” correspondent, Edwina Peppermint.

[dissolve to Edwina Peppermint standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]

Edwina: Edwina Peppermint here, with all the “Desperate Housewives” dirt. This week, Wisteria Lane turned into hysteria lane on a Vanity Fair shoot. Marcia got cross and left Felicity huff-man. Was Terry hatchering a plan to get the best swimsuit? Come on, girls, share and Nicolette share-idan alike, or you won’t stay on top for Eva long-oria. The whole ordeal proves once again that when it comes to “Desperate Housewives”, them bitches is crazy. Back to you.

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Edwina. Great work.

Zoe: [previous graphic of Zoe joyfully peering from behind Hugh Grant’s shoulder] This just in. We’ve got a recording of those naughty messages.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] Oh, my, you’re so hot. I’m so into you. I want you to snog my knickers. [Zoe mouths along to parts of this] If you’re into this, give me a look, or a wave, or a wink, or just ignore me.

Zoe: Hmmm, I guess we’ll never find out who the mystery caller is.

[recorded beep]

Zoe: [voice over] By the way, this is Zoe. Zoe Anderton. From “Spy Glass.”

Zoe: Ooo-eee-ooo.

Ian: [previous graphic of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen] One more on the Sheen-Richards split. Friends say despite it all Denise is being a “Starship Trooper.”

Zoe: Hmmm, not your best work, Ian.

Ian: It’s hard when they’re not in bigger movies. Speaking of movies, let’s check in with our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire

[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig and eating a muffin in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]

Gene: [with mouth full] Oh, yeah, well, I got a great deal. [notices camera] Aaah! [spits out muffin and puts plate down] Parum, parum, parum! Well, once again it’s that time of year when new movies come out every Friday. “Pacifier”? I’d be a paci-liar if I told you this movie wasn’t a Vin-ner. What’s that say? This was one piece of art that was painted on a Diesel. “Sin City”? Once again, where there’s a Bruce Willis, there’s a way. Jessica Alba…seeing that one, again and again. Based on a comic book, this movie stars com-Mickey Rourke. Oh, boy. I think I’m bleeding in my brain! This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

[dissolve to studio, with close-up on Ian]

Ian: Thanks, Reggie, you’re the best. [his mobile phone rings, and he answers] Hello?

Zoe: I’m so into you. I want to mash my bangers into your bangers.

Ian: Is this Zoe?

[shot widens to show Zoe making the call from immediately next to Ian]

Zoe: [giggles] I’ll never tell. Ooo-eee-ooo.

Ian: What is wrong with you?

Zoe: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I have low self-esteem. [winks and mugs at the camera]

Ian: When we come back, news from the Jackson trial, where witness continue to describe what they mamasay, mammasah, mamaku-saw.

Zoe: Until then, you better watch your step.

Both: ‘Cause you’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]

[dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16


Song appears
on the album:

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Green Day performs “Holiday”

…..Cameron Diaz
…..Green Day

Cameron Diaz: Once again – Green Day.

Green Day:
“(Hey! Hey!)
Hear the sound of the falling rain
Coming down like an Armageddon flame (Hey!)
The shame, the ones who died without a name

Hear the dogs howling out of key
To a hymn called “Faith and Misery” (Hey!)
And bleed, the company lost the war today

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

Hear the drum pounding out of time
Another protestor has crossed the line (Hey!)
To find the money’s on the other side

Can I get another Amen? (Amen!)
There’s a flag wrapped around a score of men (Hey!)
A gag, a plastic bag on a monument

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

[ break ]

The representative from California now has the floor
Zieg Heil to the president gasman
Bombs away is your punishment
Pulverize the Eiffel towers
Who criticize your government
Bang bang goes the broken glass and
Kill all the (bleep) that don’t agree
Trials by fire, setting fires
Is not a way that’s meant for me
Just cause, just cause, because we’re outlaws, yeah!

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
This is our lives on holiday.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16


Song appears
on the album:

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Green Day performs “The Boulevard of Broken Dreams”

…..Cameron Diaz
…..Green Day

Cameron Diaz: Ladies and gentlemen – Green Day.

Green Day:
“I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone.

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one, and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk a.

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Till then I walk alone.

I — I — I — I
I — I — I — I

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone.

Read between the lines
What’s (bleep) up and everything’s all right
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive
And I walk alone.
I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk a.

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Till then I walk alone.

I — I — I — I
I — I — I — I

I walk alone, I walk.

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one, and I walk a.My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Till then I walk alone.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

Cameron Diaz’s Monologue

…..Cameron Diaz
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cameron Diaz!

Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you everyone! Thank you so much! What’s up, New York? How you guys livin’? It’s really great to be back in the U.S. I’ve been traveling all over the world the last year cuz I have this new show on MTV call Trippin’. It’s kind of like… (Applause) Thank you! It’s kind of like an adventure show where my friends and I go to places like Nepal, Bhutan, Tanzania…

(Rachel Dratch slowly, and quietly walks in well behind Cameron)

Cameron Diaz: …you know, the usual MTV hot spots…

Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)

(Cameron looks back and notices Rachel but doesn’t say anything)

Cameron Diaz: We hung out with these uh, Bhutanist, uh Buddhist monks in Bhutan and let me tell you something, you have not partied till you’ve partied at dawn in complete silence with Buddhist monks.

Rachel Dratch: (Nervous, quiet laugh)

(Cameron looks back again at Rachel but doesn’t say anything)

Cameron Diaz: And Tanzania’s just gorgeous, I mean animals everywhere. It’s…

Rachel Dratch: mm… Yeah.

Cameron Diaz: Is everything all right Rachel?

Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, I’m sorry, I was just watching you do the monologue, I’m sorry.

Cameron Diaz: Well do you want to come over here with me?

Rachel Dratch: OH!! I couldn’t! OH!!! I couldn’t do that!

Cameron Diaz: Why not?

(Rachel starts to walk over towards Cameron)

Rachel Dratch: Well, I mean it’s just like, you know, you’re just so cool and everything. I’m mean you’re nice, and you’re funny, and you’re really tall and blonde, and you just seem really cool and just cool!

Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, are you kidding me? I’m a dork! When I was high school, I was a total goon! All the kids used to make fun of me.

Rachel Dratch: They did? Really?

Cameron Diaz: Yes, yes, yes yes!

Rachel Dratch: Really? ME TOO!

Cameron Diaz: See! We’re more alike than you think!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah! God, I was so awkward. You know, I even carry around my awkward teenage photo with me at all times, just to remind me how far I’ve come!

(Rachel pulls out a small photo)

Cameron Diaz: No way, I do that too!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah, it’s pretty rough!

(Shows a close up of a young Rachel with her mouth hanging open and with glasses and long pigtails and bangs in dorky clothes)

Cameron Diaz: Oh my God, if you think that’s bad, check this out! Hold on… (Pulls out her picture)

(Shows Cameron on a bench dressed as a cheerleader. It’s not a very bad picture at all, especially compared to Rachel’s.)

Cameron Diaz: I mean I look like a duck!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah, your life must have been hell.

Cameron Diaz: I’m serious, you guys, I was like all skinny and gangly and guys were like no thank you. They didn’t want to have any part…

(Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler enter from the other side of Cameron)

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we’re gonna call BS on that Cameron!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, yeah! It’s always the pretty lady hosts that say they were geeks in high school…

Amy Poehler: Jennifer Garner…

Maya Rudolph: Charlize Theron…

Amy Poehler: Jennifer Aniston. We’re not buying it.

Maya Rudolph: No. Ok, and you know what “Drootch”, that photo is nothing ok! So check out ‘Maya-pekay’ Rudolph’s senior portrait! (Pulls out her photo)

(Shows a much chubbier Maya with a huge afro)

Cameron Diaz: You were cute!

Maya Rudolph: Nah uh! My nickname was 2-2-7!

Rachel Dratch: ‘Cause you look like Jackee?

Maya Rudolph: No, ’cause I weighed 227 pounds.

Cameron Diaz: Guys, everyone was awkward in high school in some way right?

Amy Poehler: Speak for yourself! Not me, I was pretty cute in high school. I was junior class treasurer. Here look… (Pulls out her picture)

(Show Amy with messy hair, an eye patch over one eye, and VERY messed up teeth)

Amy Poehler: Oh… I haven’t really looked back at that since I got my adult braces and my glass eye.

(Cuts to Amy’s picture again)

Amy Poehler: I take it back, I guess I wasn’t hot, so much as slutty.

(Tina Fey enters off stage in front of them from Rachel’s side)

Tina Fey: What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Dratch: Oh, uh, Cameron’s claiming she was homely in high school.

Tina Fey: Oh boy! Beth, could you fire up that picture of me from the Upper Darby Community Service Cour.

(Shows Tina with very short curly hair, huge eyebrows. She basically looks like a guy)

Tina Fey: Case closed, my lovelies, case closed.

(Tina sort of bows and then walks off in front of them)

Cameron Diaz: Okay, fine! I didn’t want to do this okay, but the summer before my junior year, I straightened my hair… and I had a nose job.

All: Really?

Cameron Diaz: This is what I looked like before that.

(Shows Cameron with short, curly, reddish hair and a HUGE nose.)

All: (GASP)

Maya Rudolph: Oh! Oh! God! Oh! You look like Chaka from Land of the Lost!

Rachel Dratch: You are one of us!

Cameron Diaz: I am!

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Do not let Justin see that!

Cameron Diaz: We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! We have… Green Day is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16

04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

The Holland Tunnel Hotel

Benny…..Horatio Sanz
Hotel Guest…..Rob Riggle
Manager…..Chris Parnell
Simone…..Cameron Diaz
Quinones…..Finesse Mitchell
Mr. Boderite…..Fred Armisen
Mr. Juice…..Darrell Hammond
Voice Over…..Don Pardo

[open on dilapidated building exterior with sign: “HOTEL”]

[dissolve to interior of hotel lobby with Benny behind front desk dressed in an undershirt and departing guest with a small suitcase]

Benny: Next time, I’m gonna charge you for the extra hour.

Hotel Guest: Go screw yourself, Benny.

[manager enters, dressed in a suit and holding a clipboard]

Manager: Ah, Benjamin, may I trouble you for a moment of your time?

Benny: Huh, what do you want now?

Manager: Well, as the new manager of this hotel, I want to remind you that part of your job includes asking the guests whether they’ve enjoyed their stay at the hotel.

Benny: What, that guy? He sells guns to drug dealers.

Manager: Well, with that attitude, we’re always going to be a one-star hotel. I’m calling a staff meeting. [vigorously rings bell at front desk] Staff meeting! Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

[Simone, wearing revealing outfit and fishnet stockings, enters, pushing a maid’s cart]

[Quinones enters, wearing maintenance worker’s uniform and holding a sledgehammer]

[Mr. Boderite, an elderly man, enters, wearing a cardigan sweater and glasses]

Simone: Staff meeting? What the hell?

Quinones: Man, we ain’t never had no staff meeting.

Mr. Boderite: Meeting?

Manager: I’ve called this meeting because the hotel review commission–the people who decide how many stars a hotel gets–are coming this afternoon. Now, call me a dreamer, but I would love to see us move from a one-star hotel to a two-star hotel.

Simone: Two stars? The only reason we have one star is because we haven’t been reviewed since 1921.

Mr. Boderite: I was there.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. Well, it’s time to make some changes around here. First of all, we will be changing the hotel’s name. This hotel will no longer be called simply “Hotel.” It will have a more glamorous name befitting its historic locale, and be called “The Holland Tunnel Hotel.” Secondly, employee attire. Simone, you are dressed–and I apologize in advance for saying this–but you are dressed like a prostitute.

Simone: Hmmm, there’s a reason for that.

Manager: Which is?

Simone: I am a prostitute.

Manager: But you’re a maid!

Simone: No, I’m a maid-slash-prostitute.

Manager: Is anybody else here working two jobs?

Mr. Boderite: I am.

Manager: And what else do you do, besides running the elevator, Mr. Boderite?

Mr. Boderite: I am also a prostitute.

Manager: Great, is everybody who works in this hotel a prostitute?

Quinones: Well, um, how do you define prostitute?

Manager: People pay you to have sex with them.

Quinones: Oh, then, yeah, I’m definitely a prostitute.

Benny: [raises hand] I’m a prostitute, too.

Manager: Good lord!

Simone: You should try it. You know, you can make a lot of money. People pay you for a whole hour, but it usually only takes five minutes.

Manager: Really, oh, that’s wonderful. That’s very helpful. Thank you, Simone. Does anybody else have any prostitution advice to give me?

Quinones: I would say, almost always wear a condom.

Manager: Thank you, Quinones.

Benny: Even when they’re doing it to your face.

Simone: That’s very smart.

Manager: Can we stop talking about prostitution?!

Mr. Boderite: And always get your money up front.

Manager: Thank you, Mr. Boderite. I’d like to get back to changing the hotel’s image if I may. I’d like to propose that we change the sheets after every guest, and not never. [Simone scoffs] Furthermore, when a guest dies in a room, please let’s remove the body.

Benny: Oh, come on, what are all these rules? How are we ever gonna sell cocaine?

Simone: No! No, guys, he’s right! We can make this a better hotel. I’m tired of being a maid-slash-prostitute in a one-star hotel at the entrance of the Holland Tunnel. I am better than that! I wanna be a maid-slash-prostitute in a two-star hotel! My momma didn’t raise me! [sobs into Quinones’ shoulder]

Manager: Your mamma didn’t raise you how?

Simone: No, my mamma didn’t raise me. That’s why I’m a prostitute.

[Mr. Juice enters, clapping]

Mr. Juice: [with foppish intonation] That was a very impressive speech. My name is Mr. Juice. I’m from the hotel review commission. I’m not normally in the practice of giving stars based on speeches, but this young lady’s speech has inspired me. I’m going to give the Holland Tunnel one and a half stars!

Simone: Do you want to go upstairs with me?

Mr. Juice: One and three-quarters stars.

Quinones: I’m coming, too.

Mr. Juice: Four stars!

[all three exit stage left]

[dissolve to same exterior as previously, with sign now reading “HOLLAND TUNNEL HOTEL” and caption: “The Holland Tunnel Hotel ****]

Voice Over: Accomodations for the guests of Saturday Night Live are provided by the Holland Tunnel Hotel.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts