Kevin Federline…..Ashton Kutcher V/O…..Maya Rudolph
V/O: Britney Spears’ husband, Kevin Federline.
[Shot of Kevin Federline sprawled out on bed, all shot in black and white like a Calvin Klein commercial]
Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.
[shot of thumbs pulling on underwear band showing “Federline” ]
Kevin Federline: I look like I might stink, yo. But I don’t.
[Kevin smells own armpit]
Kevin Federline: Come over here. Check it.
[Thumbs pulling on underwear band again]
Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.
[Kevin picks up Us Magazine]
Kevin Federline: I’m in a lot of these. You jealous? [whispers] I think so.
[Kevin rolls around on bed]
Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.
[Kevin rolls over on bed]
Kevin Federline: I’m bustin’ out; doin’ my own thing. Just don’t tell Britney, yo.
[Thumbs pulling on underwear band again]
Kevin Federline: Federline, yo. Britney thinks I look best in my underwear.
[Shot of underwear packaging]
Kevin Federline: By the way, Britney keeps her underwear over there.
[shot of underwear on bedpost]
Kevin Federline: And over here.
[shot of undewear on lamp]
Kevin Federline: And over there in that big pile.
[shot of big pile of underwear on the floor]
Kevin Federline: Most of the time she keeps them in my mouth. Just kidding. No I’m not. [looks down] Yes I am. [looks up] No I’m not. [looks down] Yes I am. [looks up] I’m flippin’, yo.
[Girl in underwear walks in to shot, Kevin looks at her and back at camera]
Kevin Federline: I might be in trouble, yo.
[Shot of underwear packaging]
V/O: Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline for Federline Briefs. Man panties for wiggers.
[Opens with an outside shot of a Baptist church. Cut to the inside of it. A choir is on high gear singing hymns to the congregation. They are wearing golden robes.]
Choir: [singing] I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!….TO ME JESUS IS REAL!….I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!
[Hymn ends. Applause. Rev. Willie walks to the podium. He wears a suit, has grey head of hair, grey mustache and beard. He pats with a handkerchief the corner of his mouth and forehead from time to time]
Rev. Willie: Yes, yes, yes. Can I get an Amen?!
All: AMEN!
Rev. Willie: Yes. Now we all know our pastor along with all the other pastors in the region are down in that southern baptist convention down in Orlando, Florida.
All: AMEN!
[Deacon Brown wears a suit, is almost bald with white hair. He sits next to Ophelia. She wears a southern dress with a matching hat]
Deacon Brown: Sounds like a free trip to Disney World. Guess there wasn’t no money in the budget to take nobody else, huh? I like roller coasters!
Rev. Willie: Ok, Deacon Brown. Ok, now. I’m sure we all could enjoy some sunny weather.
Sister Ophilia: Yes.
Rev. Willie: Some beautiful palm trees…
Sister Ophilia: Tell it, deacon.
Rev. Willie: Young folks having fun….
Sister Ophilia: Amen!
Deacon Brown: Yeah, open invites to fornication. He, he, he…
Sister Ophilia: Huh-uh!
Rev. Willie: Deacon Brown!
Deacon Brown: What?! That’s what they’ll be doing in Florida.[to the congregation] Am I right? Am I right? I’m wrong?
Rev. Willie: Now, but the pastor would not leave his flock without a shepard. He has left us in good hands today. Please welcome our special guest, Mr. Brian McKay.
[A shy white guy in a suit approaches the podium. Deacon Brown gets up and puts his hands up]
Deacon Brown: Oh, damn! The feds done found me! Well, I’m gonna tell you right now! I spent the money!
Rev. Willie: Charlie, please now. That happened 20 years ago. This man is the guest preacher.
Deacon Brown: Oh, what money? Oh, what am I talking about? I’m sick. [sits down]
Brian McKay: [into the mic] All right. Hello, everybody. Church. I’m Brian McKay. Umm…
Sister Ophilia: Brian who? He don’t look like no preacher.
Rev. Willie: Now, sister Ophelia, now let’s give Mr. McKay a chance. [covers mic] Brian, what church are you from?
Brian McKay: Well, I am, uh, a rector for the First Unitarian Church in Wellesly Massachusetts.
Rev. Willie: The what?
Deacon Brown: Will y’all stop chit-chatting and get to the preachin’! Man, the game coming on at 3:00 now.
Rev. Willie: Do it.[sits]
Brian McKay: [into the mic]All right, all right. Uh, you folks look lovely tonight. I would like to begin today’s services with a reading from Galatians 4:22.[reading a card]”For it is written that Abraham had 2 sons. One by a slave and one by a free woman….”
All: [offended] No, no, no….
[Rev. Willie gets up and covers the mic]
Rev. Willie: Ok, wait a minute now. Ok, now. That’s not gonna work in a black church.
Brian McKay: Are you sure? I thought I had them there.
Rev. Willie: No, no you didn’t. And I’m pretty sure you lost them when you said “slave”. I see now I’m gonna have to walk you through this.
Brian McKay: Uh, yeah. You’re probably right.
Rev. Willie: Ok, ok. All right. Say “I want to talk about the Lord”.
Brian McKay: [into the mic]”I want to talk about the Lord”.
Rev. Willie: Say it louder!
Brian McKay: Louder? “I want to talk about the Lord!”
Sister Ophilia: Well, talk about him then.
Rev. Willie: Say you love him.
Brian McKay: I love the Lord!
[Organ plays a sharp note]
Rev. Willie: Say it like you mean it!
Brian McKay: Well, that was something. I said “I love the LORD!”
[Organ plays another note]
Brian McKay: Wow, that was really nice.
Rev. Willie: Now, has the Lord been good to you?
Brian McKay: Well, I can’t complain. I have a beautiful apartment in Nantucket.
Rev. Willie: No, no, no. Don’t say that to me. Ask them that!
Brian McKay: Oh, right, right.[into the mic]Has the Lord been GOOD TO YOU!!
Deacon Brown: Yes, he has. Yes, he has.
Brian McKay: This is…[takes the mic into his hand]I’m starting to feel something. I really am here!
Rev. Willie: Now say, “The Lord is great!”
Brian McKay: THE LORD IS GREAT!
All: THAT’S RIGHT!
Rev. Willie: “I don’t think y’all heard me.”
Brian McKay: “I DON’T THINK Y’ALL HEARD ME!!!”
Rev. Willie: Now kid, act like you’re dancing on hot coals.
[Rev. Willie makes large steps. Brian does the same]
Brian McKay: I said “THE LORD IS GR-R-R-R-REAT!
Sister Ophilia: Like Tony the Tiger!
[Music plays and the choir comes alive]
Rev. Willie: You’re working it now.
Brian McKay: Well…
Rev. Willie: Yeah, like that.[gives Brian the handkerchief, Brian pat his forehead] Now, you’re wanna jump up and down and you wanna say “Hallelujah”.
Brian McKay: Like this? [jumps up and down]
Rev. Willie: Yeah!
Brian McKay: HALLELUJAH!!!
[The congregation gets up and cheers, they also clap to the rhythm of the music]
Brian McKay: Look, they’re all standing!
Rev. Willie: Now, this would be a good time to take a collection.
Brian McKay: THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A COLLECTION!!!
[Crowd sits, music stops]
Rev. Willie: Never mind.
Brian McKay: NEVER MIND!
All: Yes!
[Crowd gets up, music resumes]
Brian McKay: I don’t know about you but I feel go-o-o-o-od!!
Rev. Willie: All right, you’re on your own now.[sits]
[Brian is really getting into it, moving about with confidence]
Brian McKay: I said, I said, are we feeling good church?! I, I, I feel good, sister!!
Sister Ophilia: Oh, preach! Light skin, preach!
Brian McKay: Uh, I will! I feel good, Deacon![Deacon makes fists and grunts in approval. Brian turns to the choir] I feel go-o-o-o-ood, choir!![Congregation cheers] I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it! This church ain’t big enough for me![Brian does a split on the floor, gets up] I GOTTA PREACH TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!![Brian runs like a maniac and jumps through a stained glass window. Silence]
Sister Ophilia: The spirit ain’t never made me jump through no window.
Deacon Brown: Man, you know, I seen that same thing in the movie The Exorcist.
Rev. Willie: [shocked]Well, uh, I don’t know. Dear Lord, let’s pray for that boy. I don’t—spirit….oh.
[Brian walks back into the church out of breath]
Sister Ophilia: He’s back.[faints]
Brian McKay: Now, is it time to take the collection?
Deacon Brown: [gets up, puts hand in pocket]Hells, yeah! That boy is good! Now, pull your money out!
Rev. Willie: Yeah, give it up cause we’re gonna need to fix that stained glass window. Take us home, choir!
Choir: [sing] JESUS IS REAL! I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME…..
[Choir keeps singing. Rev. Willie passes the collection basket and Brian keeps dancing with the Holy Spirit in him]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: March 19th, 2005 Ashton Kutcher Gwen Stefani None Demi Moore Eve HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) tackles the subject of steroid use in Major League Baseball. Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Mark McGwire, Zell Miller.
Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher doesn’t understand what’s the big deal about him dating an older woman, so he pulls Demi Moore (in heavily-accented old lady make-up) up to the stage so they can speak glowingly of their strange relationship. First Hosted: 02r.
Me-HarmonySummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match. Note: Repeat from 04l.
OprahSummary: Oprah (Maya Rudolph) pays more attention to actor John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) than to fire victim (Rachel Dratch). Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, John Travolta, Julia Roberts. Transcript
Push-UpsSummary: Two years later, a nerdy guy (Ashton Kutcher) still feels humiliated by an incident involving the water cooler at his office. Determined to save face, he’s devised a scheme where he can demonstrate his strength by performing 45 push-ups. He struggles to convince his co-workers (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz) that office push-up contests are the new fad in Denver, but they easily best him in the competition, making him feel more and more foolish.
FederlineSummary: Kevin Federline (Ashton Kutcher) has started his own underwear line behind his wife Britney Spears’ back. Transcript
Gays in SpaceSummary: Brought back for Episode 2, the gay space crew crash lands on a strange planet. Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.
Gwen Stefani with Eve performs “Rich Girl”Eve First Performed: 00q. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Tina and Amy do a horrible fake interview with Robert Blake footage. Consumer advocate Henry Payne (Kenan Thompson) puts the pain on a store clerk (Ashton Kutcher). Chris Parnell’s Demi Moore rap evolves into a desire to have sex with Ashton Kutcher. Transcript
Southern Baptist ChurchSummary: A white minister (Ashton Kutcher) receives an unwelcomed reception at a black Baptist church. Transcript
Action 13 NewsSummary: Perky news anchor Busy Martinez (Amy Poehler) is gaga for her hunky new co-anchor, Darren Stark (Ashton Kutcher), which fuels resentment in jilted weatherman Barry Shirtsworth (Seth Meyers). Transcript
Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”Bio: Gwen Stefani (1969-). Singer; former lead singer of No Doubt. Also Performed: 06h. Cameos: 00q. Lyrics
NebulzitolSummary: Woman (Amy Poehler) uses product to keep her husband (Will Forte) focused on her instead of March Madness and other sports events. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.
Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians *Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.
Pep RallySummary: A high school cheerleader (Amy Poehler) performs nasty cheers with the help of the school mascot (Ashton Kutcher).
Pulled OverSummary: After the driver (Ashton Kutcher) is pulled over, his passenger (Seth Meyers) tries to sweet talk the police out of giving them a ticket.
Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.
Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.
Dinner TableSummary: A couple (Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler) are separated at a dinner party when the man is firced to sit on the same side of the table as the invited nerds.
Bear CitySummary: A group of pairs chase the Easter Bunny.
[ UPS Guy exits, Receptionist returns to her work ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Wednesday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is ending a phone call as the UPS guy enters with a package ]
UPS Guy: Hey, Erica.
Receptionist: Oh. Hi.
UPS Guy: Hey, uh.. anything going out today?
Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] Nope.
UPS Guy: Uh, that’s cool. Here you go. [ drops the package on the reception desk, turns to leave, then stops to make his move ] Hey, uh.. Erica. Um.. I was, uh.. thinking about – maybe.. I don’t know. Maybe one time after work, we can cruise out, maybe have a drink, or dinner, or whatever. Maybe a movie?
UPS Guy: [ caught off guard, but trying to maintain his composure ] Oh, no, that’s.. totally cool. You know.. can’t.. hurt to ask, right? [ chuckles nervously ] Okay. Have a good one.
Receptionist: You, too.
[ UPS Guy exits awkwardly, as the Receptionist returns to her work ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Thursday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is typing on the computer as the UPS guy enters with a package and a giggle in his voice ]
UPS Guy: Hey, Erica!
Receptionist: Oh. Hello.
UPS Guy: Anything today.
Uh.. [ instinctively ] Nope.
UPS Guy: Cool, cool, cool. [ starts to turn to leave ] Hey, real quick – it’s not because I’m the UPS guy, is it?
Receptionist: [ defensive ] What? No! Of course not.
UPS Guy: Oh! Okay, cool! Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing! [ grimaces, wishing he hadn’t said that ]
Receptionist: Oh! [ notices oversized box sitting on her desk ] Hey! I forgot – we do have something going out today. I forgot.
UPS Guy: Oh. Oh! Okay. Well.. put me to work, are ya’?
[ they share the laugh, as the UPS Guy attempts to lift the oversized box ]
UPS Guy: Aargh. Christ! What do you got in here, bricks? [ laughs ] I’m kidding. It’s not too bad.
[ phone rings ]
Receptionist: [ answers phone ] Hello, may I help you?
UPS Guy: [ as he stumbles across the room ] What’s that? Are you.. are — [ sees she’s on the phone ] Oh.
[ UPS Guy stumbles out of the office, as the Receptionist returns to her phone call ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Friday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is scribbling on some documents as the UPS guy enters wearing a back brace ]
UPS Guy: Hey, Erica. Anything going out today.
Receptionist: Nope.
UPS Guy: [ to the point ] Hey, just so you know – I’m not always gonna be the UPS guy.
UPS Guy: ‘Cause.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve got this.. kick-ass idea for a video game.
Receptionist: Oh. That’s, uh.. really great.
UPS Guy: And it’s a billion-dollar industry – if you can get in. [ chuckles ] Can I tell you my idea for the video game? [ serious ] I’ll tell you, only if you swear to GOD in Heaven on a stack of Bibles you will NOT tell another soul in this world!
Receptionist: Uh.. I’m not so comfortable with that.
UPS Guy: Ah, I’ll tell ya’, anyway. Uh.. it’s the main character, right? He is, uh.. he’s a guy that has to deliver all these packages, see? And, then, there’s these levels, kind of like an office builoding. And, when you get to the end of the game, you have to kill this woman.
[ Receptionist shakes her head in abrupt fear ]
UPS Guy: Anyway, that’s it. Have a good day. [ exits quickly ]
Receptionist: [ in total shock ] Yeah.. you, too.
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Saturday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Cleaning Woman is vacuuming around the reception desk ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Sunday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Three cleaning women are lounging on the receptionist desk spraying cleanser, smoking cigarettes and dancing to Patti Labelle’s “Lady Marmalade” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Monday” ]
[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is holding hands with the FedEx Guy, as the UPS Guy enters ]
UPS Guy: He-e-ey.. [ surprised ] Hey, Erica.. [ sees the FedEx Guy ] Oh. You.
FedEx Guy: Ha! UPS! No wonder I got here first!
UPS Guy: Erica, how could you?
Receptionist: Well.. for starters – my name is MARY!
UPS Guy: Hah.
Receptionist: And I’ve been dating the FedEx guy for a while, and I just didn’t know how to tell you. I-I-I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.
UPS Guy: Hey. Listen. No, no, it’s totally cool, I mean.. you two guys are together. Whatever. I don’t know. I thought you were nice. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Receptionist: Okay. so, no hard feelings? [ offers her hand for a handshake ]
UPS Guy: [ shakes her hand ] Come on, are you kidding? No hard feelings, of course! [ gives the thumbs-up to the FedEx Guy as he exits ]
[ Receptionist continues to hold hands with the FedEx Guy ]
[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]
[ SUPER: “Tuesday” ]
[ an explosion sounds, as the prop building bursts into flames from many angles ]
Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey and here are tonights top stories.
On her first day back at work since going to prison Martha Stewart addressed her employees saying, During the last five months, Ive had the privilege to meet an incredible cross-section of people, adding, Thank God thats over!
Amy Poehler: Martha was greeted with a standing ovation. Stewart called the ovation heartwarming and mandatory.
Tina Fey: In this weeks fashion news, nothing classes up pajamas and sandals like a blazer. (Shows a picture of Michael Jackson arriving at court in the clothes just mentioned) Michael Jackson arrived over an hour late for his trial Thursday. Jackson explained that on the way to court, he got stuck in a twelve year old.
Amy Poehler: Feuding rappers 50 Cent (Amy pronounces it Fiddy throughout) and The Game declared a truce Wednesday and donated a total of 253,000 dollars to The Boys Choir of Harlem. Uh-oh Tina! I think its time for Amy Poehlers Hip-Hop Breakdown! (In a gangster voice) All right, yo yo check it! As you know, 50 and The Game, aka Curtis and Albert got up in it cuz The Game gave mad love to 50s enemies Fat Joe, Jadakiss, and Jadakisss wife, Jada-Pinkett-Kiss. All right, all right, then 50 was hatin on The Game on Hot 97. The Game was like, What! Hell no!
Tina Fey: You know youre a three foot tall white girl, right?
Amy Poehler: Right yeah! But its all good up in the hood okay, cuz they got some G-Unity flowing all right cuz you remember you guys you cant bite the hand all right. I cant be like, Tina your jokes are whack, youre tired, youre corny, I got no love for your style, youre
(Tina grabs a gun out from under the desk and shoots at Amy six times)
Amy Poehler: Ah! Nah nah not today! Yo! Not today!
(Tina shoots at Amy five more times)
Amy Poehler: My body eats bullets, bitch!
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Amy Poehlers Hip-Hop Breakdown!
Tina Fey: You can shoot her and shoot her and nothing happens.
Condoleezza Rice told The Washington Times Friday that she would not rule out running for president in 2008, which means if elected she would become the first ever woman of freckles to hold the office.
Amy Poehler: During the interview, Rice described her stance on abortion as Mildly Pro-Choice, meaning she would support abortion except in cases where the mother is pregnant.
(Shows a picture of Arnold next to a woman body builder with huge muscles) This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was very pleased with his wife Maria Shrivers Extreme Makeover.
Tina Fey: Joan London and her husband has twins babies this week via a surrogate mother. And, by the way, that check did not clear Joan, so Im gonna need that 800 in cash.
Amy Poehler: 800?
Tina Fey: Well, it was two babies
Amy Poehler: Oh yeah
British customs officials arrested a Nigerian woman at Heathrow Airport for carrying more than her own weight in edible snails. The event will be dramatized in the upcoming film, “Maria Full of Snails”.
According to a new report, children do not necessarily get enough calcium from milk and scientists suggest kale, tofu, oatmeal, and broccoli, or as children call them, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Tina Fey: Egypts top archeologists said Tuesday that the results of a Kat scan done on King Tuts mummy indicate that the boy king was not murdered but may have died from an infection after badly breaking his leg. Thus finally providing closure for King Tuts great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Terry Tut. (Shows a picture of a fat, pale man in a pharaoh hat)
Amy Poehler: Well everybody, its tax time again, and while many Americans are more comfortable doing their own taxes, one man is here to assure us that its okay to let someone else file our returns. Here with more, please welcome Jorge Rodriguez everybody.
Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you Amy. For many years, I always tried to do my own taxes but it was hard with all those forms. Theres the W2 forms the 10-99s the 10-40s uh uh the 9-41s the 10-88s
Amy Poehler: (Somewhat annoyed) Mmhmm all right.
Jorge Rodriguez: the10-68s
Amy Poehler: Yep
Jorge Rodriguez: uh the 18-68s
Amy Poehler: All right
Jorge Rodriguez: the 24-21s
Amy Poehler: Mmhmm
Jorge Rodriguez: The, um 88-29s
Amy Poehler: Okay, wow, great, okay! That sounds like a lot of paperwork, Jorge.
Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah! It was getting crazy so crazy I needed some help. So I asked this guy I know to help me. His name is Pepe. He told me to let someone else do it. You can use H&R Block um Turbo Tax um Jackson Hewitt E-File
Amy Poehler: Okay! Okay! Thank you! Uh, so where did you end up going Jorge?
Jorge Rodriguez: Nowhere! My friend Pepe said hed do it for me. So I collected all my receipts. (He pronounces the p in receipts) Cuz he said thats where the money is, receipts. I had them from McDonalds from Burger King from Yack in the Box.
Amy Poehler: Yack in the Box? Yack in the box?
Jorge Rodriguez: Yack in the Box Taco Bell KFC Del Taco um uh Arbys What else do I like?
Amy Poehler: I dont know uh Fuddruckers?
Jorge Rodriguez: Excuse me!! I dont go to no Fuddruckers!
Amy Poehler: How am I supposed to know?
Jorge Rodriguez: Sounds nasty! But I do go to Popeyes Chicken uh Chickie CoKaros
Amy Poehler: Okay, Jorge, is fast food even deductible?
Jorge Rodriguez: No. Pepe lied man! And I gained a bunch of weight too from all that fast food I ate. I had to go on a diet. I tried a lot of diets too. South Beach I tried um Atkins Weight Wachers Viewla Meal um uh Slim Fast Trim Spa Jenny Craig (He starts to list diets that arent even real) Jenny Jones Lori Bolvige but I couldnt lose no weight!
Amy Poehler: Well okay Jorge, at least you got a nice tax return right?
Jorge Rodriguez: No! I got audited. Pepe lied again!
Amy Poehler: Okay, so why are you here, then?
Jorge Rodriguez: Im looking for Pepe! Anybody seen him? Im gonna get you, Pepe! When I see you, Im gonna put my fist in your mouth, and open it up like an umbrella, smash out all your teeth. Your molars your canines
Amy Poehler: All right, thank you. Jorge Rodriguez, everyone!
Tina Fey: The Pittsburg Zoo and Aquarium plans to display the shell of a giant 22 pound lobster named Bubba who died just days after arriving there. To give you an idea of just how large Bubba was, it took a team of six marine biologists over two hours to eat him.
Amy Poehler: Psychologists are saying that teens today must face cyber-bullying, in which other teens can insult classmates through message boards, e-mail, and instant messaging. On the bright side, nerds can now hand over their lunch money using PayPal.
A Swedish company is marketing Nudie Jeans, a new brand of mens blue jeans that never require washing, or as most guys call them jeans.
Tina Fey: A North Dakota man, who tried to walk 100 hours into Canada to see a girl he met over the internet, had to have all of his fingers and half of his toes amputated because of frostbite. Even worse, when he got there, the chick was fat!
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
[ open on tight shot, Vin Diesel and David Spade standing on a ledge ]
Vin Dielsel: All right. We got 15 seconds to climb this building before a wrecking crew knocks it down.
David Spade: How do I let you talk me into these things?
Vin Dielsel: I’ll swing in and grab the Stavros Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.
David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.
Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this.
David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!
Director: And cut! [ enters scene now revealed as a movie set ] Whoo! Fantastic work, Vin Diesel. I can tell why you make the big money. David spade, good.
David Spade: Hey, Paul, listen. That zippity doo-dah line sound natural to you?
Director: As natural as the day I wrote it.
David Spade: Ah, right. Yeah, you wrote it. We’re executing your vision.
Director: So we’re coming up to the wrecking ball shot, why don’t you guys take a break and, David, I’ll call in your stunt double. Chris?
[ a shorter woman dressed exactly like David, complete with moustache, enters the set ]
Chrissy: Yeah, hey. Hey, how you doin’, David.
David Spade: Hi.
Director: How you doing, Chris?
Chrissy: [ to David ] I guess I’m gonna be taking a wrecking ball for you today.
David Spade: Hey, nice to meet you. Hey, Paul, can I talk to you?
Director: Yeah, sure.
David Spade: Is it weird that my stunt double’s a chick?
Director: Well, David, she is a perfect physical match. And she’s a pro.
Chrissy: Yeah, David, let me reassure you, I’ve had a lot of experience. You know, I was a stunt double on “war of the worlds,” with Dakota Fanning. And I’ve done both the Olsen twins.
David Spade: Yeah, me, too. What? I’m kidding.
Chrissy: I’ve doubled guys before. You know that Aaron Carter basketball video? That’s me dunking those basketballs.
Vin Dielsel: Really? I thought that was Aaron Carter.
Chrissy: Thank you, Vin Diesel. Don’t worry, David, I’ll make you look good.
David Spade: Yeah.
Vin Dielsel: I do all my stunts.
David Spade: Yeah, great. Who does your acting?
Vin Dielsel: I do.
Director: All right, guys, we’re ready for you. So, David, you’ll say your line, then we’ll cut to Vin. Chrissy, you jump in and you take the wrecking ball. All right.
[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]
Assistant: “Lethal Blood: Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2, Revenge of the Diamonds,” scene 316, take one. [ exits scene ]
Director: Action!
[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]
Vin Dielsel: I’ll get the Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.
David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.
Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!
David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!
Director: Cut to Vin!
[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]
Vin Dielsel: Look out!
[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as the wrecking ball bounces off her side ]
Chrissy: No! Yikes. Ow! [ stumbles and falls ]
Director: And, cut! Yes!
Chrissy: Felt good.
Director: That was awesome, Chrissy! Great work.
David Spade: Hey, Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. Can I have a word with you?
Director: Absolutely.
David Spade: Are we going to loop that scream, dude? I mean, sounded totally girlie to me.
Director: Okay, I didn’t notice. But, Chrissy, Chrissy, um.. we need a little less on the scream, all right?
Chrissy: Okay, okay. So not the way you told me David would do it?
Director: What’s that? [ laughs nervously ] Let’s just do it again.
Chrissy: Okay. I’m going to try some new stuff, Paul.
Director: All right, have at it.
David Spade: Hey, Paul, can I play around with that “zippity doo-dah” Line a little bit?
Director: Absolutely not.
[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]
Assistant: “Lethal Blood, the Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2: Revenge of the Diamonds,” Scene 316, take two. [ exits scene ]
Director: Action!
[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]
Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!
David Spade: Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!
[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]
Vin Dielsel: Look out!
[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as she jumps onto the wrecking ball ]
Chrissy: Oh! Whee-ee-ee-ee!!! [ swings on wrecking ball with legs outstretched ] Hooray! I’m David Spade! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Director: [ jumps into the scene, excited ] Yes! Yes! That my friend, is a trailer moment.
Chrissy: All right. I’m going to take a break to regroup, Paul.
Director: Best in the biz, Chrissy.
David Spade: Dude, dude, that is not how I’d act at all!
Director: Really? It kinda is. I mean, look, that was hilarious, and you are the comic relief in this movie.
David Spade: Paul, she’s got a camel toe, all right? I don’t want people thinking I got a camel toe! I got enough problems with them confusing me for the dude from “Queer Eye.”
Director: Carson? I love Carson. You know, he turned your part down.
Vin Dielsel: That’s why I do all my own stunts. You know, in “The Chronicles of Riddick,” I fought fire monsters.
David Spade: Yes, I know, Vin. We all read that in “Who Cares?” Magazine.
Vin Dielsel: What? [ ambles away ]
Director: I love that I get to work with that guy! He’s good. David, do you want to do the stunt yourself?
David Spade: Look, I would, but, I told you — in “Joe Dirt,” this extra dropped a big bottle of Pepsi on my foot, and then my toenail turned black and I gave up stunts from then on, you know?
Director: All right, you know what, fine. Let’s just take a break. Chrissy needs a few minutes to nurse her baby, anyway. So —
[ David walks over to Chrissy, who holds up a baby up to her bosum ]
David Spade: Hey, who’s this little guy?
Chrissy: oh. Jake.
David Spade: Jake have a daddy? Or can anyone apply for the job?
Chrissy: Are you hitting on me?
David Spade: [ considers the question ] I think I am. Seeing a female double of myself nursing a baby has given me an unexpected chub.
Chrissy: Let me tell you the same thing I told Elijah Wood: Yes. I’ll meet you in your trailer in fifteen minutes.
David Spade: Nice. [ points to the camera ] Zippity doo dah, mother humpers! [ exits a quick stage right ]
[ dissolve to anchors Daryn Kagan and Rick Sanchez at the desk ]
Daryn Kagan: Welcome back to CNN. I’m Daryn Kagen.
Rick Sanchez: And I’m Rick Sanchez.
Daryn Kagan: In just a moment, we’ll be going live to the Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release.
[ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Returns to Work” ]
Rick Sanchez: While most of us get the Monday blues when going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lady who’s just happy to be out of those prison grays.
Daryn Kagan: You gonna do that joke at the top of every hour?
Rick Sanchez: Yes, ma’am.
Daryn Kagan: Those who know Martha say her prison term has changed her. That in her five-month stay at Alderson, it shifted her priorities and broadened her outlook on the world.
Rick Sanchez: Take it from me, prison will do that to you.
Daryn Kagan: What do you know about prison, Rick?
Rick Sanchez: Not a thing. I just like to hear myself talk. [ smiles wide ]
Daryn Kagan: You are an idiot.
Rick Sanchez: Your boyfriend is Rush Limbaugh.
Daryn Kagan: All right, that’s private.
Rick Sanchez: You see Rush Limbaugh naked – and you like it.
Daryn Kagan: stop it! [ a beat ] We go now, live, to Omnimedia’s Manhattan headquarters.
[ dissolve to interior, Living Omnimedia ]
Presenter: My fellow employees, it gives me great pleasure to say, “Welcome home, Martha!”
[ Martha enters wearing a homemade poncho and blowing smoke from a cigarette ]
Martha Stewart: Settle down. Settle down, nerds! Let’s not shoot our Wad at the top of the meeting here, huh? [ hands her cigarette over ] You hold that for me, baby? You’re sweet, are you new? I like your hair. Stay after.
First things first: I want to thank my block mate and dear friend, Latrice Gibbons, for crocheting me this poncho. [ Crowd awws ] I promised Latrice that when she gets out she can be Craft Editor at “Martha Stewart Living.” [ Crowd oohs ] I’m just messing with you. Latrice is never getting out. She drowned her kids. Anyway —
Presenter: Well, Martha, on behalf of the whole staff —
[ an employee steps behind Martha, holding a plate of cookies ]
Martha Stewart: Who’s that?! [ grabs employee and menacing holds a spoon up to her face ]
Employee: Hey!
Martha Stewart: Whoa! Baby, baby! Don’t you sneak up on me. I’ll cut you, bitch! I’ll cut you!
Employee: [ frightened ] Don’t cut me!
Martha Stewart: Who sent you? T.T.? Huh? I’ll cut you both! [ releases grip from employee ]
Presenter: Martha, we just baked you a basket of your favorite almond-laced cookies from your grandmother’s recipe, that’s all.
Martha Stewart: Oh. You know, I’m not even into those anymore.
Presenter: Huh?
Martha Stewart: Yeah, they had these things at Alderson’s called Chips Ahoy. Not too shabby. I was like, “where are these from?” And the guy goes, “They’re from the store.” Turns out a lot of this crap we make, you can get it at the store. So I think we can let this whole recipe thing slide for a little while.
[ an employee faints at the sound of this ]
Martha Stewart: Anyway, order of business number two: while on house arrest, I can only work 48 hours a week. Once my house arrest is over, it will be 12 hours a week. Life’s too short. I’m talking to you, lady in charge of dried flowers. Get a life.
Number three: I’m going to need a new office that faces Mecca. I’ll explain that one later.
Number four: I’m gonna stop being such a stone-cold mega-bitch all the time.
[ SUPER: “Stewart to Employees: I’ll Stop Being A Mega-Bitch” ]
Number five” I’m changing my catch phrase from “It’s a good thing” to “It’s all good.”
And, number six: I challenge anyone here to a hard-boiled egg eating contest. Huh? [ points ] You, raincoat? I knew you wouldn’t.
And, number seven: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday night!”
[ SUPER: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night” ]
Sean Penn…..Seth Meyers Bernie Mac…..Kenan Thompson Shucky Ducky…..Finesse Mitchell Bea Arthur…..Tina Fey Larry the cable guy…..Rob Riggle George Carlin…..Fred Armisen Rita Rudner…..Rachel Dratch Owen Wilson…..David Spade B-Ball and Roscoe…..Will Forte Clint Eastwood…..Darrell Hammond
(Opens with the Los Angeles skyline, fanfare music andthe Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast logo with Sean’ssourpuss looking face in the middle of it)
Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California. Welcome toSean Penn’s Celebrity Roast with your host Sean Penn.Sean welcomes celebrity roasters Bernie Mac, GeorgeCarlin, Rita Rudner, Larry the Cable Guy, JeffreyRoss, Bea Arthur, Shucky Ducky, Jeremy Irons, B-Balland Roscoe, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson and in the hotseat tonight our honoree, 2 time Academy Award WinnerClint Eastwood. (Cut to live transmision of the event,Clint smiles, applause) And now here’s your roastmaster Sean Penn.(Sean slowly walks up to the podiumwith a a gloomy, sad look on his face)
Sean Penn: Thank you and welcome to Sean Penn’sCelebrity Roast. Tonight we honor Mr. Clint Eastwood.And I hope the barbs and jests you endure are asenduring as the work you have blessed us with over theyears. Now let’s bring out our first roaster BernieMac, a man so black…
Shucky Ducky: HA,HA! HOW BLACK IS HE?!!!
Sean: He is so black he has suffered 400 years of thiscountry’s racism and injustice. And for this Mr. Mac,I apologize.
(Some confused looks from Shucky Ducky and Bernie,Bernie steps up to the podium, Sean sits down)
Bernie Mac: What’s up, Hollywood!! Ha,ha! ClintEastwood…man just won an Oscar. “Million DollarBaby” Ha! I ain’t gonna lie to you Hollywood, I didn’tlike that movie. It wasn’t believable. Ain’t no whitegirl gonna be that good a boxer. Ha,ha! “MillionDollar Baby”? They should’ve have Lil’Kim up in there,call it “20 Dollar Ho'” Ha,ha,ha! ok, seriouslythough, I got to ask a question about Clint Eastwood.How old is this man? Clint’s so old his first moviewas drawn on the wall of a cave Ha,ha,ha! It wasdirected by Moses! Ha,ha,ha! Do you hear me Hollywood?This is an old ass sommammabitch!! I’m out!
(Applause, Bernie leaves, Sean arrives at the podiumand goes after Bernie Mac)
Sean: Forgive my compromise sense of humor but I didwanna answer our roaster’s question about how old Mr.Eastwood is. He is exactly as old as the timelessnessof his work.
(Bernie is quite uncomfortable, fixes his tie)
Bernie: It was a joke, Sean Penn.
Sean: What wasn’t a joke was Hillary Swank’s trainingand dedication that made her performance not onlybelievable but unforgettable.
Clint Eastwood: Hey, kid relax here. It’s just aroast.
(Sean loooks him dead in his eye, serious as a hell)
Sean: Our next roaster, George Carlin, has been doingcomedy for some long…
Shucky Ducky: How long has….
Sean: So long that when he walks into a club theyounger comics say, “Thank you, you have been aninspiration to us.” George Carlin.
(Sean leaves podium, sits, George already mic on handstruts up to the podium)
George Carlin: A lot of people talking about ClintEastwood…making movies “Go ahead, make my day” Howwould he make you a day? I can make you a sandwich butI can’t make you a day. “You want lettuce with thatday?” (long pause)Names-a lot of people talking aboutnames…(another pause)What kind of a name is Clint?”Hi. I’m Clint” What’s your wife’s name? “Brunch!”Hey, Clint I got a name for you…Douchebag! Have a niceday!
(Applause, George leaves podium, Sean gets upobviously annoyed)
Sean: I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.Our next presenter was in the film Shangai Knightswith Jackie Chan. I saw that movie and let me tellyou, there’s 2 hours of my life that I’ll cherishforever. Thank you. Owen Wilson. (Sean leaves, Owensteps up)
Owen Wilson: Hey, what’s going on? How is it goingClint? Celebrity Roast Clint Eastwood, there’s noreason this shouldn’t be fun. Anyway, like Bernie Macwas saying Clint, you’re old man. You’re old. Clint’sface is so wrinkly that when I walked in the room andI saw you I said “Who dressed my ball sack in atuxedo?”(Clint spits his drink and laughs, close up onSean Penn’s face fuming)It’s weird, man. It’s weird.What’s going on with Dirty Harry? I have to say I wasa little dissapointed when I found out the movie wasabout a police officer. Back in Texas we all know whata Dirty Harry is. That’s when you take a girl home andyou(Bleep, while Owen points to his upper lip underhis horrendous nose)…and you leave her cabfare.(Owen pats a smiling Clint in the back, close upon Sean’s face his lower lip is quivering)Now ifyou’ll excuse me they want me to shave Bea Arthur’schest.
(Close up on Bea’s face, she frowns and signal no withher finger, holds a drink. Owen leaves, Sean steps upagain)
Sean: Please forgive my clinical absence of joy butmaybe I missed what this roast was all about.
Bernie Mac: Damn skippy! Damn skippy!
Shucky Ducky: You got that right!
Larry the cable guy: For Christ sakes!! You wereSpicoli!!!
(Sean looks at Larry with hate in his eyes)
Sean: Did anyone prepare something nice to say aboutthis man? Anyone? Rita Rudner?
Rita Rudner: This roast is as enjoyable as the time Itried to make love to my husband during the SuperBowl.
(Sean is losing it)
Sean: B-Ball and Roscoe?
B-Ball and Roscoe: Um, Sorry we mostly have fartjokes. Pfffffftttt!!!!(Through puppet)”Excuse me!”
Sean: Shucky Ducky?
Shucky Ducky: Shucky Ducky! Quack!Quack!Hahaha!!
(Sean closes his eyes trying to control his anger)
Sean: I’ll take that as a “no”. Please join me nextweek when I will be entertaining our troops in Irakwith Tim Robbins, Jeanene Garofalo and Michael Moore.Good night. And how dare you!
(Fanfare music and the event’s logo appears again withthe officially depressed Sean Penn’s face on it)
Jack Johnson featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”
…..David Spade …..Jack Johnson
David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!
Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love: “Saturday morning and it’s time to go One day these could be the days but who could have known Loading in the back of a pickup truck Riding with the boys and pushing the luck Singing songs loud on the way to the game Wishing all the things could still be the same Chinese homeruns over the backstop Kakua on the ball and soda pop
Well… we used to laugh a lot But only because we thought That everything good always would remain Nothing gonna change, there’s no need to complain
Sunday morning and it’s time to go Been raining all night so everybody know Over to the field for tackle football Big hits, big hats, yeah give me the ball Rain is pouring, touchdown scoring Keep on rolling, never boring Karma, karma, karma chameleon We’re talking kinda funny from helium
Well, we used to laugh a lot But only because we thought That everything good always would remain Nothing gonna change, there’s no need to complain
[ break ]
Monday morning and it’s time to go Wet trunks and schoolbooks and sand on my toes Do anything you can to dodge the bus-stop blues Like driving a padiddle with a burnt-out fuse My best friend Kimi wants to go with you So meet her by the sugar mill after school My best friend Kimi wants to go with you So meet her by the sugar mill after school
And.. we used to laugh a lot But only because we thought That everything good always would remain
We used to laugh a lot But only because we thought That everything good always would Everything good always would remain.”
David Spade: Thanks to Jack Johnson and G-Love! Thanks to the cast and crew for being so cool to me. And the writers. B.C., hope you get well soon. Thank you, Lorne. Thanks, you guys!
Air Date:
Song appears