Month: October 2018



SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Britney Spears Wedding

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Britney Spears Wedding

Britney Spears…..Jennifer Aniston
Jason Alexander…..Jimmy Fallon
Minister…..Rachel Dratch

(“Oops, I Did It Again” plays over shots of People magazine with the headline “Is She Over the Edge? Britney’s wild wedding, her furious family, what really happened–and what’s next”, Star magazine: Britney Gets Hitchneyed! Her Mystery Grows, Why She Did It, Her Family’s Reaction, Her Quickie Annulment, Us Weekly: Britney Spears: Out of control. New shocking wedding details. All night partying. Public tears. Why pop’s former good girl is suddenly so bad, and AOL’s welcome screen: What Was She Thinking?)

(Sweeping shot of Las Vegas with a super: “Las Vegas, New Year’s Eve 2003”)

(Shot of Britney drinking and Jason, both sitting on a couch)

Britney Spears: Well, this is fun.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, hotels are fun. Las Vegas is fun. Yeah, you and I get along good.

Britney Spears: Oh my God, I know!

Jason Alexander: You mean that?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I do!

Jason Alexander: Really?

Britney Spears: Yeah, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: I mean, you really mean that?

Britney Spears: Oh, I mean it!

Jason Alexander: For real?

Britney Spears: For real!

(Time elapses while “Oops” plays)

(Two hours later, Britney is lying on the couch, Jason is still sitting)

Jason Alexander: You really, really mean that?

Britney Spears: I mean it, I mean it, I mean it, I mean it. You sooo get me.

Jason Alexander: What do you like best about me?

Britney Spears: Well, um, I like that we both like to drink peach snots. Oh my God! Did you hear what I just said?

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word!

Britney Spears: I said the wrong word! I said peach snots and I meant snot, shot, schnapps! That’s what I meant! (Jason laughs) Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that!

Jason Alexander: You said the word you didn’t plan on saying! You said a different word all together.

Britney Spears: Oh, that’s so funny! I can’t breathe, that’s so funny! (she rolls on the couch laughing and her Von Dutch baseball cap falls off) Wait, I lost my hat and everything!

Jason Alexander: You’ve gotta have the Von Dutch.

Britney Spears: I have to have it. Come on then.

Jason Alexander: Hey, call, that was funny stuff!

Britney Spears: I’ve gotta call someone. Let me call someone.

Jason Alexander: You said the wrong word out of your mouth that you thought was something else!

Britney Spears: Oh, that’s too funny! Come on. (tries to dial her cell phone) Oh, no, I can’t–I can’t even focus, I can’t even dial. I’m laughing too, I’m laughing–no! (falls off the couch)

(time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(Five minutes later, they’re both sitting on the couch. Britney is smoking, Jason is drinking.)

(time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(One hour later, they’re making out on the couch.)

Britney Spears: Mmm, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so —

Jason Alexander: Wait, wait, I’ve got a surprise for you.

Britney Spears: What?

Jason Alexander: I found your teeth-whitening gum! (pulls gum out of back pocket)

Britney Spears: What? You did, where?

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar.

Britney Spears: You found my teeth-whitening gum! (laughter)

Jason Alexander: Under the mini-bar, I found them earlier.

Britney Spears: Oh, and I thought I’d lost it forever.

Jason Alexander: Yeah, I guess I found it.

Britney Spears: Oh, my God. Y’all, come on. (gasps) This is a sign. Y’all, let’s get married.

(Jason looks confused) (laughter)

(Time elapses as “Oops” plays)

(Five minutes later, they’re at a wedding chapel, holding hands.)

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may.. kiss the bride.

(Jason and Britney smile and then make out. Britney breaks off the kiss.)

Britney Spears: Oh, did you just burp?

Jason Alexander: No, I think I’d know if I burped!

Britney Spears: Oh, y’all, you just burped on my wedding kiss! You are so gross!

(One second elapses while we hear “Oops!”)

(Britney has her arms crossed)

Britney Spears: I want an annulment. (laughter)

Minister: I need an aspirin.

Jason Alexander: But baby, you’re my melody!

(Spears’ “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” plays)

Britney Spears: Jason, Jason, you’ve changed. You burped. I can try to get past it, but-but it’s obvious that your brain is just a little younger than mine. Now, can anybody please just tell me where there’s a good after-hours club in Vegas, ‘cause this place sucks! (walks off)

Jason Alexander: Kentwood High School football rules!

(Minister nods at him politely) (cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Country Roses

Voiceover…..Chris Parnell
Lynn Anderson…..Amy Poehler
Phoebe Lynn Shackelford…..Amy Poehler
Earline Oliver…..Amy Poehler
Jeannie C. Riley…..Rachel Dratch
Joyce Ann Smittle…..Rachel Dratch
Donna Fargo…..Maya Rudolph
Pam Smidley…..Maya Rudolph
Dana Jean Harley…..Jennifer Aniston

V/O: Remember when country was almost cool? Well, CMT Records is proud to present “Country Roses”-a four-disc collection featuring some of the greatest female vocalists ever to stand in front of wood paneling and sing. You’ll get artists like Lynn Anderson…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Rose Garden” Lynn Anderson]

Lynn Anderson: (singing) I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden…

V/O: Jeannie C. Riley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Harper Valley P.T.A” Jeannie C. Riley]

Jeannie C. Riley: (singing) The day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A….

V/O: Donna Fargo…

[On Bottom of Screen: “The Happiest Girl in the Whole USA” Donna Fargo]

Donna Fargo: (singing) I’m the happiest girl in the whole USA…

V/O: And the late, great Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Rumors” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) I’ve been hearing all around town that you’ve been lovin’ my man. Well I’ll crack your jaw with a baseball bat, throw you in a garbage can….

V/O: Phoebe Lynn Shackelford…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Sweet Corn Memories” Phoebe Lynn Shackelford]

Phoebe Lynn: (singing) Sweet, sweet memories of my mama boiling corn…

V/O: Joyce Ann Smittle…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Snowflakes” Joyce Ann Smittle]

Joyce Ann Smittle: (talk-singing) She said “Mama, why are there snowflakes?” and I said, “Crystal, because of you…”

V/O: And Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Cleaning House” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) When I told my husband to take out the trash, I sure as hell didn’t mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of my kitchen before you wake up my kids…

V/O: Earline Oliver…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Ain’t Nothin’ Cuter” Earline Oliver]

Earline Oliver: (singing) Ain’t nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin’ peaches off a hard wood floor…

V/O: And Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “25 Times” Dana Jean Harley]

Dana Jean Harley: (singing) If I told you once, I told you twenty-five times get your hands off my husband’s.. (drops microphone before we hear her say “Penis”, picks up microphone again, speaking) I’m talking to you Pam Smidley!

V/O: Pam Smidley….

[On Bottom of Screen: “I’m The Other Woman (Runnin’)” Pam Smidley]

Pam Smidley: (singing) I’m runnin’, runnin’ from an angry woman. Runnin’ from Dana Jean Harley…

V/O: A rare duet between Pam Smidley and Dana Jean Harley…

[On Bottom of Screen: “Here We Go Again (A-B-O-R…)” Pam Smidley, Dana Jean Harley]

Pam and Dana: (singing) I guess I’ll have another A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N

V/O: “Country Roses”…order now! Due to graphic content, Country Roses will not be sold to minors or miners.

(fade)

Submitted by: Erin

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Aniston: 01/10/04: Paparazzi Photographers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Paparazzi Photographers

Photographer #1…..Jennifer Aniston
Photographer #2…..Amy Poehler
Steven Seagal…..Jimmy Fallon

(Drumroll plays over a shot of the “Hollywood” sign, fading to stock footage of paparazzi and stars on a red carpet, fading to two photographers in the front of a large crowd of photographers)

(Julia Roberts walks by, back facing the camera)

Photographer #1: Julia! Julia! Hey Julia, where’s Danny?

Photographer #2: Julia, congratulations on “Mona Lisa Smile”! Julia!

Photographer #1: Yeah, I really love that dress, Julia!

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Can we see the back, Julia. Turn around.

Photographer #1: Hey, point to your belly like you’re pregnant, huh? Thank you, thank you!

Photographer #2: Thank you, Julia! She’s a friend, she’s a friend.

Photographer #1: Really? You know her?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I met her like two years ago at her New Mexico ranch. She was taking the trash out and I was in her trash can.

Photographer #1: Wow.

(Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher walk by, followed by Bruce Willis and three young girls)

All: Demi! Demi!

Photographer #2: Can we get you and Ashton together, you guys look great!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hey Bruce, you get in there, too!

Photographer #2: Get in there, Bruce! Beautiful! Scout, Rumer, the other one, get in there!

Photographer #1: Hey, Bruce, Bruce, rub your dukes like you’re looking like you’re mad.

Photographer #2: Great dukes, Bruce, great dukes. Alright, Bruce, get out of there!

Photographer #1 & #2: Get out of there, Bruce.

Photographer #1: Hey, hey, Demi, can you pick up Ashton and hold him like a baby? (laughter) Beautiful.

Photographer #2: Ashton, suck your thumb! Suck your thumb, Ashton.

Photographer #1: Yeah, suck your thumb! Boo! Boo, Ashton, suck your thumb!

Photographer #2: Boo! Boo, Ashton, you’re no fun!

Photographer #1: Really.

Photographer #2: I tell you something, I made forty grand off those guys last week.

Photographer #1: Damn, really?

Photographer #2: Yeah, I was in the ivy at the Ivy, and I got ‘em on the telephoto. She’s yawning, but it looks like they’re having a fight.

Photographer #1: Awesome.

Photographer #2: Yeah, we’re friends, you know.

All: Verne! Mini-Me! Mini-Me!

(A woman walks by with Mini-Me, back facing the camera.)

Photographer #1: Look up here, buddy. Up here, little man. Great, thank you.

Photographer #2: Great, who’s the lady, Mini-Me? Who’s the lady? Squat down, lady, squat down.

Photographer #1: Yeah, honey can you pick him up? Pick him up like he’s your baby. Beautiful.

All: Thank you, Mini-Me, thank you lady, thank you.

Photographer #2: Finally, somebody professional.

Photographer #1: Really.

(Beyonce Knowles walks by, shaking her butt to the camera)

All: Beyonce! Beyonce!

Photographer #2: Beyonce, let me see the butt Beyonce! Beautiful. Shake it!

Photographer #1: Point to it!

Photographer #2: Make it bounce, Beyonce, make it bee-younce, Beyonce. (P#2 bounces her butt to demonstrate) Boo!

Photographer #1: Why won’t she do it?

Photographer #2: Boo, Beyonce! Make it bee-younce!

Photographer #1: Boo! C’mon!

Photographer #2: God that dress was short.

Photographer #1: Tell me about it.

Photographer #2: You know, it could be a gold mine. We’ll be rich if these pictures come back with a little glimpse of Beyonce bouche.

Photographer #1: Oh, man, I know. One time, I was, uh, shooting Pierce Brosnan on the beach, and one of his nads drooped out of his swim trunks. That thing bought me my house.

Photographer #2: Nice, great. Oh, Jennifer!

All: Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer! Jennifer!

(Jennifer Aniston walks by, back facing camera)

Photographer #1: Hey, where’s Brad?

Photographer #2: What are you wearing Jennifer Aniston, where’s Brad?

Photographer #1: Yeah, when are you gonna have a baby?

Photographer #2: Are the Friends really friends?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!

Photographer #2: What are you gonna do when Friends is over?

Photographer #1: When are you gonna have a baby?!! (laughter)

Photographer #2: Hey, you and Brad, you guys love Mexican food, right? I always catch you guys coming out of Las Cantinas. (To P#1) She looks terrible.

Photographer #1: I know, I think she has a drug problem. (laughter and applause)

All: Kirstie! Kirstie Alley!

Photographer #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Photographer #1: Oh, uh-oh, that’s not Kirstie Alley.

Photographer #2: No. Sorry, uh, Steven! Steven Seagal!

Photographer #1: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

(Seagal steps in front of them and puts his hands over their camera lenses)

Photographer #1: C’mon, we’re sorry!

Photographer #2: We thought you were Kirstie Alley.

(Seagal walks off)

Photographer #1: Yeah, we didn’t mean it. We didn’t mean it!

Photographer #2: Just be cool, okay? I’m just doing my job, all right? That’s all I’m trying to do.

(Seagal does a high-kick aimed at her camera) (audience ooohs)

Photographer #1: I got a picture of you doing that!

Photographer #2: I will see you in court, Kirstie Alley!

All: Judi! Dame Judi Dench! Judi!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Judi, hey give us a little peace sign, huh Jude?

Photographer #2: We love your work, Dame Judi. Now, jump up and down. You’re a great actress, jump up and down. Good. Thank you.

Photographer #1: Hey, look, there’s little Mini-Me, he’s back.

Photographer #2: Oh, hey, Mini-Me.

Photographer #1: Oh, Mini-Me, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Judi, can you get down on all fours, let Mini-Me ride you. (laughter) That’s great, beautiful.

Photographer #2: Beautiful. Mini-Me, Mini-Me, run under Judi’s dress like you’re a little mouse!

Photographer #1: Yeah, Judi, come on honey. Beautiful. Do something funny, Judi. Yeah, like, grab your boobs or something. Nice.

Photographer #2: Nice, Dame Judi, thank you. (to P#1) I tell you something, I just saw some of Dame Judi’s nip.

Photographer #1: No way!

Photographer #2: Yes!

Photographer #1: Mother effing jackpot! (they high-five) Wooo!

All: Hey, Trista, Ryan!

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Phone Sex

Operator #1…..Rachel Dratch
Operator #2…..Maya Rudolph
Jean…..Jennifer Aniston
David…..Will Forte
Mr. Carruthers…..Chris Parnell
Frank…..Fred Armisen
Alan…..Kenan Thompson

[ pan across fraudulent phone sex operators taking advantage of undersexed gentlemen over the phones ]

Operator #1: [ reading a magazine ] Oh, yeah.. yeah, you like that, don’t oyu? I bet you do! Oh, give it to me —

Operator #2: [ filing her nails ] Hi, Jack, this Georgia. Ooh, yeahhh —

Jean: [ cleaning her cubicle, as the phone rings ] Oh! Hiii, this is Candy. Who’s this?

David: Hi, uh.. this is David. I’m calling for the.. Raw Talk.

Jean: Ohhhhh.. you sound hot, David. Are you feeling hot?

David: Oh, yeah!

Jean: Me, too. And you know what I want? I want to run my hands down, and feel your tushy!

David: My, uh —

Jean: Yeah! Let me feel that tush! You like that, right? You like when I lay my hand on your.. tuckus?

David: I, uh.. I.. guess..

Jean: You want to feel my tuckus, baby? Oohh, that’s right! You’re my weiner man, you know that, right? Wave your little tinkler next to my caboose, weiner man!

David: [ hangs up ]

Jean: [ startled ] Hello?

[ Mr. Carruthers steps forward ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Can I speak with you for a second?

Jean: Hi! Well, hello, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I thought we should take a moment to chat about your performance.

Jean: My performance?

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. Our customers pay a pretty hefty fee to call the Raw Line, and they expect – I’d go so far as to say they count on – raw, unbridled sex talk.

Jean: Oh.. okay.

Mr. Carruthers: Tinkler? Not raw. Not raw, at all.

Jean: Oh.

Mr. Carruthers: No, these guys want to hear your deep, darkest secrets.

Jean: Okay. Okay, Mr. Carruthers. Sure thing!

Mr. Carruthers: Alright, good girl.

Jean: You got it!

Mr. Carruthers: Carry on. [ exits ]

Jean: Okay.

[ phone rings ]

Jean: Oh! Hi! Hi.. this is Candy. Who’s this?

Frank: This is Frank.

Jean: Do you want to get.. totally raw?

Frank: Oh, yeah!

Jean: You know what I want to do, hot stuff? I want to inspect your worm. [ chuckles at her creativity ]

Frank: [ taken aback, but hanging on ] Oh.

Jean: Really. I want to go really raw on you.. baby. Yes! My sister has a lot of hospital bills, and I’m going to do crazy, explicit things! I need money for her operation!

Frank: Gee.. that is.. that is horrible!

Jean: Yeah! Yeah! Rub my keister!

Frank: You know what? Uh.. I’m sorry.. I have to go.. [ hangs up ]

Jean: What? Oh. He finished fast.

[ Mr. Carruthers returns ]

Mr. Carruthers: Jean. [ clears throat ]

Jean: Yes? Oh, hi, Mr. Carruthers!

Mr. Carruthers: I was just monitoring your call. Now, you told people that your sister is in the hospital?

Jean: Well, yes. You said to tell my dark secrets, Mr. Carruthers.

Mr. Carruthers: Okay. I did tell you that, and I was wrong.

Jean: Oh?

Mr. Carruthers: Uh.. I should have been more specific.

Jean: Uhhh..

Mr. Carruthers: Look – now, if you don’t know what to say.. just let the customer say what he wants.

Jean: Okay!

Mr. Carruthers: Very good. [ exits ]

[ the phone rings ]

Jean: Hi. This is Candy. Who’s this?

Alan: [ with eyes shifting ] Uh.. Alan..

Jean: Well.. “Alan”.. why don’t you.. tell me what you want.

Alan: Uh, well.. I’d really like for you to.. [ afraid to ask ] ..touch my hiney.

Jean: Your hiney? Oh! Are you my weiner man?

Alan: [ comfortable at last ] Yes! Yes, baby, I am your weiner man!

Jean: Are you?

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, yeah!

Alan: Yeah!

Jean: Oh, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Jennifer Aniston’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Aniston
Phoebe…..Maya Rudolph
Monica…..Rachel Dratch
Chandler…..Seth Meyers
Rachel…..Jennifer Aniston
Joey…..Horatio Sanz
Ross…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Jennifer Aniston!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: Alright, thank you, thank you. I’m so excited to be here for my second time.

[Aniston holds up 4 fingers, 2 on each hand]

Jennifer Aniston: That was four….This is the first show of 2004.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Jennifer Aniston: And, uh, this is gonna be, this is actually gonna be a really big year for me. You know, and the biggest thing is, I’m sure all of you have heard, I’m re-doing my kitchen.

[audience laughs]

Jennifer Aniston: No, no, I’m kidding. That was last year. Actually, no, it’s the last season of “Friends”. And there’s been a lot of talk about how the show’s going to end and we’ve had a hard time keeping it a secret. So, you know, to keep the audience guessing, we’ve shot a bunch of different endings. And, uh, you guys wouldn’t want to see one, would you?

[audience cheers and applauds loudly]

Jennifer Aniston: I am SO not supposed to do this, you know, but what the hell? Just roll the tape, let’s look at it.

[Fade out to a 5-second “Friends” opening. To Central Perk, where the “Friends” gang is sitting around the coffee table]

Phoebe: Wow, I can’t belive my wedding’s today! I just, I love that word. Wed-ding. Because it ends with a ding. You know… ding.

Monica: Hey, you guys, this is a pretty big day for Chandler and me. We adopted our baby today.

Chandler: Could I be… any more excited?

Monica: I guess you have some news too, right, Rach?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, right. News. I got big news. Well, let see. Ross… Joey? Okay, well listen, I finally made my choice between you guys.

Joey: Uuuh, really?

Ross: Well.. [clears throat] who’s it gonna be, Rach? [clears throat]

Rachel: Okay, I love you both very, very much, you know that. But, Ross, I pick you.

Ross: I’m so happy, Rach.

Joey: That’s great. Wish you guys all the best.

[Joey stands and begins heading toward the door]

Rachel: Thanks, Joe.

Ross: Thanks, Joe.

Rachel: See ya, Joe.

Everyone: Bye, Joey.

[from outside, a gun cocks, and a gun shot is heard]

[fade to end credits]

[dissolve back to the main SNL stage ]

Jennifer Aniston: That ending was certainly final. Oh oh oh gosh.

[rushes to remove the coat she was in during the skit]

Jennifer Aniston: We couldn’t use that one, because Matt LeBlanc has a spin-off called Joey and I guess, you know, you can’t be “dead” in a spin-off. Yeah whatever. But, we’re probably just gonna do the ending where Rachel’s heart is broken by Ross because he finally comes out of the closet.

[she gasps]

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! … Anyway, we have a great show! The Black Eyed Peas are here! So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Rich Krenz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Aniston

[ camera zooms out on Aniston’s t-shirt, which reads: “I Love Brad Pitt” ]

Jennifer Aniston: Thank you to the Black Eyed Peas! Al Franken! This cast! I love you! Thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9

03i: Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas

Democratic National Committee

John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell
Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler
Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond
John Edwards…..Chris Parnell
Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson

John Kerry: Good evening, America. I’m Sen. John Kerry. Starting with the Iowa caucus on January 19th, Democrats will have officially began the process of selecting their candidate for the 2004 Presidential election. And, to be perfectly honest, things are not looking very good.. for me.

Joe Lieberman: Or me.. Joe Lieberman.

Dennis Kucinich: Or me.. Dennis Kucinich!

Dick Gephardt: Or even me.. Dick Gephardt! See, despite our best efforts, Howard Dean continues to be the Democratic frontrunner. Sure, he was successful as a governor, but.. how hard can it be to run Vermont? You wake up, you have some Ben & Jerry’s, you check out the maple syrup plant, you go to sleep!

John Edwards: Whereas, we have lots of fine qualities to recommend us.

Dick Gephardt: For instance – experience! This is my 19th time running for President.

John Kerry: Or personality. Some people think I’m consdescending. Not true. I actually just have an offputting sense of entitlement.

Gen. Wesley Clark: And I’m a four-star general in a cashmere turtleneck – ladies, what more could you ask for?

John Edwards: And I’m cute! [ grins playfully ]

Rev. Al Sharpton: I’m like a real-life Chris Rock movie!

Dennis Kucinich: Willie Nelson wrote a song about me.

Joe Lieberman: And I’m blond all over. Look.. this primary shouldn’t even be about our qualifications, it should be about Dean’s shortcomings. He called the Iowa caucuses a sham. He sealed his records as governor. He even claimed that Osama bin Laden might not be guilty. This is quality stuff, America.. and, you’re not going for it.. well, I’ve had it.. and, you know what? I hope George Bush wins! That’ll show you!

John Edwards: Now, Joe —

Joe Lieberman: No, it’s serious!

Gen. Wesley Clark: Let him be – ten-hut!!

[ Edwards stands in position ]

Gen. Wesley Clark: What can we do to make you people stop liking this guy? I mean, we can say he’s too conservative – hell, I’m a registered Republican.

John Kerry: Look, the point is.. in a few months, when George Bush is calling Howard Dean a “short-tempered liberal, who will use middle-class tax increases to fund his gay Vermont wedding to Saddam Hussein”, it’s going to sound very familiar. That’s because we’re saying it right now. So why wait to lose faith in him then? We can lose faith in him now. It’s the least you can do for us – or America. But mostly.. for us. Seriously. I quit my job for this.

[ show title card ]

Announcer: Paid for by the Democratic National Committee.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 10th, 2004

Jennifer Aniston

Black Eyed Peas

Al Franken An Address By Donald TrumpSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) discusses his new reality show.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Jeff Zucker.

Transcript

Montage

Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston shows a fake clip of the final episode of “Friends”, in which a dejected Joey (Horatio Sanz) takes his own life.

Transcript

Paparazzi PhotographersSummary: Paparazzi photographers (Amy Poehler, Jennifer Aniston) harrass and photograph celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Paparazzi Photographer.

Transcript

Britney Spears WeddingSummary: Britney Spears (Jennifer Aniston) marries and divorces her buddy, Jason Alexander (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Britney Spears.

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/03.

Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Democratic candidates doubt their capabilities.

Recurring Characters: Wesley Clark, John Edwards, Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas performs “Where Is The Love?”Bio: American hip-hop group Black Eyed Peas are will.i.am, Apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Steve Irwin (Jeff Richards) mixes up his baby with a chicken. Jimmy Fallon stops O.J. Simpson (Finesse Mitchell) from confessing. One man mobile uplink unit Al Franken interviews troops in Baghdad.

Recurring Characters: Steve Irwin, O.J. Simpson.

Transcript

Saddam Calls OsamaSummary: Saddam Hussein (Horatio Sanz) makes an unfunny phone call to Osama bin Laden (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden.

Country RosesSummary: Country artists (Jennifer Aniston, Maya Rudolph) compete for the same man in a compilation album.

Transcript

Coco & Matsui Super ShowSummary: Japanese hosts Coco (Maya Rudolph) and Matsui (Fred Armisen) weep at Jennifer Aniston’s presence.

Recurring Characters: Coco, Matsui.

Black Eyed Peas performs “Hey Mama”

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Country bumpkins have a series of strange injuries treated.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Phone SexSummary: A nerdy operator (Jennifer Aniston) doesn’t know how to talk dirty to her clients.

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GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Greg…..Elijah Wood
Mr. B…..Heratio Sanz

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”; fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.

Megan: It’s 7:55 a.m. and we are live from the Audio-Visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host Sheldon.

Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Hey.

Megan: As always, we are joined by Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera shows the band, only six people are shown ]

Sheldon: Sounding cherry as always. You guys can blow. We’ll be hearing from them later in the program.

Megan: That’s right Sheldon, cuz today’s show is all about music – musical taste, musical styles, and rising stars such as my fav-or-ite singer and live-in lover-to-be, Mr. Clayton Grissom Aiken. [ Holds up picture collage of Clay ] Sup Freckles? I love you. [ Licks poster ]

Sheldon: Um, in honor of Music Day, we conducted a poll of Wakefield students’ fave bands of 2003. I think the results will surprise you. 177 of you chose Eminem, who, by the way, doesn’t even play an instrument.

Megan: ..Or sing like an angel. Eminem is like the poor man’s cursing Clay Aiken.

Sheldon: 164 people voted for Fountains of Wayne. Psh, flash in the pan you guys. Um, 97 of you said your favorite band was, Clay Aiken.

Megan: That’s weird. Like 10 of those votes weren’t even me.

Sheldon: Six people voted for Jazz Times Ten.

[ Camera goes over to them who are throwing up peace signs ]

And rounding off the bottom with one vote is – Yo Yo Ma. Good taste my friend. Whoever you are, I salute you. [ Salutes ]

Megan: Sheldon won an award for his Yo Yo Ma website.

[ Awkward pause ]

Sheldon: Ok, our guest today is a good friend of mine. He and I have been tight since 4th grade computer camp when we rigged our Playstation One to steal cable – Heavy days, crazy nights. You probably know him as the trumpet player for Jazz Times Ten. Please welcome, Greg Scheidemantle.

[ Greg walks into camera view while playing the trumpet then takes a seat next to Megan ]

Megan: Hey Greg, thanks for being on the show.

Greg: Hey Megan, thanks for having me. Hey Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. So, Scheidy, you’re probably one of the top three middle school-aged trumpet players in the state; who are your influences?

Greg: Ah, hell, you know: Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Sum 41.

Sheldon: Cool.

Megan: Um, I have a question. If you could play trumpet on any person’s album, who would it be?

Greg: I guess I’d have to say Britney Spears, because, even thought she can’t sing, the view from the bandstand would be pretty sweet.

Sheldon: Scheidy, you push the envelope Scheidy.

Megan: See, that’s weird, cuz, I would’ve picked someone who’s good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I’d show up at the studio and he’d be like, “Hey, you have pretty hair.” And I’d be like, [ Plays with hair ] “What?” And he’d be like, “Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?” And I’d be like “Ok.” And he’d be like “Lemme call my limo and [ singing ] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right!”

[ Mr. B walks on camera ]

Mr. B: Hey kids! How ya doin?

[ Kids say Hi ]

Sorry to interrupt the show, but since it’s the last day before winter break, I just wanted to remind everybody to clear out any food you may have in your desks. Take it from me – last year I left a half-eaten plate of Weight Watchers Lasagna in my office, come January 4th, my desk had all this weird stuff on it. I thought they were chocolate sprinkles – They were mouse poops.

Megan: Eww, okay.

Mr. B: Yeah, and I got real sick from eating them too. Don’t invite the pests, clean out your desks! I’m gonna pop-lock out of here! [ Pop-locks ] Grr, Grr, Grrama, Grramma, Grandma got ran over by a reindeer! Merry Christmas everybody!

Sheldon: So Scheidy, what’s next for Jazz Times Ten?

Greg: Shoot, you know how we do. We’re giggin a lot over the holidays. We’ll be at Sunnyvale Mall this Friday at 8:40 a.m. Saturday; we’re doin an 11 minute set at Westchester Key’s Assisted Living Center. Saturday night we’ll just be free-form jamming in Tom Snidely’s carport.

[ Camera goes over to Jazz Times Ten and Tom throws up Peace sign ]

Sheldon: Alright, I hate to put you on the spot bro, but, uh, can you do that horse whining you did at the end of “Sleigh Ride” at the winter concert?

[ Greg does horse whine on trumpet ]

Megan: Cool, that sounds like a real horse.

Greg: And it’s hella hard to do too.

Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from “American Idol”. You know who else is from “American Idol”? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken’s album? And if so, tell me why you like it.

Greg: I think it’s pretty good. I like his phrasing on “Bridge over Troubled Water”. [ Sings ] Like a bridge over trou-bled wa-ter.

Megan: Whoa, you’re like Clay Aiken, except, here physically in front of me. This brings out many feelings. Your eyes are blue like Polar Ice Gatorade.

Greg: ..So I’ve been told.

Sheldon: [ Shakes head ] No, this isn’t happening. No.

Greg: Why don’t you stop by Snidely’s carport and watch us jam?

Sheldon: [ Continues shaking head ] No —

Megan: [ Nervously ] Ok.

Greg: Cool.

Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Signing off, I am Sheldon. [ Salutes ]

Megan: [Looks around nervously and thinks ] I don’t know who I am anymore!

Greg: Jazz Times Ten, let’s do this!

[ Jazz Times Ten Plays ]

[ Fade ]

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Versace Egg Nog

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Boy George…..Elijah Wood
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

(Does a close-up of Donatella in a chimney wiggling her legs, then she steps out)

Donatella Versace: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. What the frig? Jiminy Christmas, that chimney is dirtier than Elton John’s fudge tunnel! Hello, I’m Donatella Versace. Are you looking for something to put your booze in this Christmas? Well how about egg nog, by Donatella Versace?

(Walks over and sits down on a couch. Two men come behind the couch holding trays. One is holding a wine glass, the other is holding a bottle of egg nog.)

Donatella Versace: I know what you’re thinking. Designer egg nog, who wants that? You do smartass! My egg nog is just like crappy old egg nog, except I infused it with a hint of nicotine, and a little bit of self-tanner. Cheers. (Takes a sip of egg nog from glass, and spits it out) Oh wait, I forgot. I don’t swallow food! Well here’s someone else you can trust when it comes to egg nog, BOY GEORGEEEEEEEE!

(Elijah walks out in a suit, is bald, and his face is almost completely covered in black and red face paint. He and Donatella kiss each other on both cheeks)

Boy George: Ooh. I love this egg nog. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a designer to make egg nog.

(Donatella looks over at him)

Versace: Ahhhhhhhhh! What’s wrong with your face?!

Boy George: Oh. Isn’t it fantastic?

Donatella Versace: Give me a minute…I’m thinking…still thinking…oh wait I got it…NO!

Boy George: Do you know what else I love?

Donatella Versace: I’m on pins and needles.

Boy George: Donatella Versace’s egg nog.

Donatella Versace: Ooh. So don’t just stand there in the crazy, sing something you creep.

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“Does this egg nog want to hurt me?
Does this egg nog want to make me cry?”

Donatella Versace: Sing to me egg nog some more, come on.

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“I’ll tumble for nog, I’ll tumble for nog
I’ll tumble for Versace Egg Nog.”

Donatella Versace: Have you got anything else?

(Boy George music plays)

Boy George: (singing)
“Dona, Dona, Dona, Donatella Versace Egg Nog,
It comes and goes, it comes and goes.”

(Rosie O’Donnell walks in unsuspected carrying a bottle of Versace Egg Nog)

Rosie O’Donnell: Did somebody say egg nog?!

Donatella Versace: Oh no. Rosie O’Donnell, are you here to sue me or adopt me?

Rosie O’Donnell: Hey Donatella, I’m producing Boy George in my new musical Taboo. The only thing that can relieve that kind of stress is gulping down gallons and gallons of Versace Egg Nog.

(Turns bottle upside-down into mouth, and egg nog spills all over Rosie’s clothes)

Donatella Versace: You know…Rosie…

Boy George: Cheers.

Donatella Versace: You know Rosie, I mean this from the bottom of my heart I really do, you are one crazy Dona-bumper. Now both of you please, GET OUT!!!! No wait, no don’t, stay.

(Boy George and Rosie come back to Donatella’s side)

(Announcer singing)

Announcer: “Star show Christmas ride, with Versace Egg Nog!”

Donatella Versace: And tell your old egg nog to…get out.

Announcer: Sold exclusively at Barney’s.

Submitted by: PiscesGyrl3191

SNL Transcripts