Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto … Molly Shannon
Gertrude Mintz … Helen Hunt

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …

Teri Rialto: … and I’m Teri Rialto …

Margaret Jo McCullen: … and you’re listening to …

Together: … The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

[they both are sipping eggnog and quite giddy]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Say, Teri, do you hear those sleigh bell jingling?

Teri Rialto: Yes … and ring-ting tingling, too. [giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: That must mean it’s the holiday season again.

Teri Rialto: Yes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And in honor of this special Yuletide edition of The Delicious Dish, our audio technician, Sylvia Spencer, prepared her special eggnog for us.

Teri Rialto: Yes. And it’s really noggy. [more giddy laughter] What a funny, funny, funny word “nooog”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really used her egg-noggin’ when she made this.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s funny. Fun, fun times with nog.

Teri Rialto: Fun times with eggnog.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s nog. It’s nog. It’s nog.

Teri Rialto: Good times. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: I think I’m a little bit tipsy, Margaret Jo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m totally wasted. It’s fun. It’s funny being drunk.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun being a little high. [more giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m a little bit blitzed. Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times with nog.

[the down some more]

Teri Rialto: That is strong stuff.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really makes a mean nog.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. But her cornbread is always a little dry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: [becomes serious really fast] Whoa, Terry. That was way out of line. I can’t believe you just said that.

Teri Rialto: I’m sorry. It’s the nog talking. I’ll have to write Sylvia a note.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You sure will. Boy, you can be a really mean drunk.

Teri Rialto: I know. I’m a monster.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well … so, I guess … anyway. Before this turns into a brawl, let’s share Sylvia’s wonderful eggnog recipe with our listeners.

Teri Rialto: Okay. [reading from a card] Okay. Sylvia Spencer’s Holiday Nonalcoholic Eggnog … nonalcoholic.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh. I guess we’re not drunk.

Teri Rialto: I could have sworn that we were hammered.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. I was about to make really sloppy phone calls to old boyfriends.

Teri Rialto: This is embarrassing.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s embarrassing.

Teri Rialto: A little humiliating.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s kind of humiliating.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. I guess it’s okay to be embarrassed sometimes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, I guess we were just high on Yuletide cheer. So, let’s go ahead and bring out our special holiday guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. She’s a very talented and cutting edge confectionary. In fact, we like to call her the Rock and Roll Pastry Chef.

Margaret Jo McCullen: She runs Viva Las Baked Goods outside of Memphis.

Teri Rialto: And she’s here today to shake, rattle and roll out some delicious holiday treats. Please welcome …

Together: … Gertrude Mintz.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Gertrude

Teri Rialto: Welcome to the show.

Gertrude Mintz: [very slow and deadpan] Please call me, Trudy … it rhymes with booty … which I shake all night long … while making pastries.

Teri Rialto: Why don’t you have some nog, Trudy?

Gertrude Mintz: I can’t. I’m allergic to dairy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Gertrude Mintz: Thanks.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Booty Trudy, Christmas sure is a great time of year, isn’t it, for baked goodies?

Gertrude Mintz: It sure is. A lot of exciting confections are appropriate for the Holiday season. But the Christmas confection that really says “rock and roll” to me is the gingerbread house. [she sets an ordinary Gingerbread house on the desk]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooo. Neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Rock and Roll.

Gertrude Mintz: This took me 10 months to complete. It’s an exact replica of Elvis Presley’s glorious Memphis estate, Graceland.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. That’s so interesting, Trudy. I didn’t realize that Graceland was just one big room.

Gertrude Mintz: Well, well, it’s not. I just ran out of time before Christmas. I wanted to make tiny gold records out of Neco Wafers. I also wanted the house to have real working plumbing but it was really hard.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure. Sure.

Teri Rialto: I see that you made a garage.

Gertrude Mintz: Yeah. It houses Elvis’ collection of vintage cars. I made the cars out of Matchbox cars.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So you really can’t eat the cars.

Gertrude Mintz: No. They’re made out of plastic and die cast metal.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s too bad they don’t make gummy cars. You could have used those.

Gertrude Mintz: That would have been neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Too bad. It would have.

Teri Rialto: So, you say, Gertrude, that this took you 10 months to do?

Gertrude Mintz: Yes, but keep in mind that a lot of that time was spent rocking and rolling. It’s hard to bake when you rock like I do.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. Teri and I tried to make a Gingerbread Mount Vernon last year.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It got really ugly. We almost killed ourselves.

[a disturbingly long pause]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, anyway. We’re all out of time. Thanks for joining us and thanks for our guest, Gertrude Mintz.

Gertrude Mintz: Hope I didn’t get you “all shook up”.

Teri Rialto: No. Thank you for your concern but we are A-OK.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Have a Merry Christmas and join us for our upcoming New Year’s party-planning episode next week when we discuss ….

Together: … ketchup.

Gertrude Mintz: You sure you’re okay?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. We’re fine.

Teri Rialto: We’re fine.

[fade ]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

Christmas Caroling With The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Connie Davenport…..Helen Hunt

[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas – the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]

Culps: [ singing ]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la!”

[ the door is shut ]

Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don’t recognize us! I’m Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your musicteachers back at Altadina Middle School.

Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here – he’s already a sophomore at Vasser.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like yourfamily’s in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.

Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she’s moving real fast there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!

Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we’ve been caroling for sevenhours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]

Marty Culp: Yeah, you’re right.. it’s probably better that we stay out here, if you’ve got a house full of people in there!

Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!

Never fear, the tenor section’s here!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang’s all here! Jesse, I’m sure youremember your old Spanish teacher – Senor Franklin.

Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!

Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.

Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.

Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie – it does smell a little like bacon!

Connie Davenport: It’s a rental.

Marty Culp: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]

Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?

Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth “no” ]

Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let’s get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth “no” ] No?

Connie Davenport: Maybe you’ll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!

Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]

Men: “Jingle bells, jingle all the..
Jingle bells, jingle all the..”

Connie Davenport: “Jing-jing-jing that bell.
Jing-jing-jing that bell.”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “You can ring my be-e-ell!”

All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!”

“Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains.
Glo-o-o-o-o-ria!”
Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]

Men: “It came upon a midnight..

Women: “Midnight at the oasis.”

Men: “Send your camels to bed.”

Women: “We don’t need no camels.”

Men: “No, no.”

All: “‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!
‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!”

Women: “Silent night, holy night..”

Men: “Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written.”

Connie Davenport: “Never meaning to send.”

All: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves..
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!
Do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!

Here we come a-wassailin’ among the leaves so green
Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I’m going..”

Senor Franklin: “And so, I hope I’m offering this simple phrase..”

All: “..to kids from 1 to..
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger

Marty Culp: “Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!”

All: “Merry Christmas.. to..”
[ the door closes again ]

Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

A Burt Reynolds Christmas

Burt Reynolds…..Norm Macdonald
Jerry Reed…..Will Ferrell
Michael Jeter…..Chris Kattan

[Opens with a family around a Christmas tree]

Announcer: This holiday season gather the family and spend some time with one of America’s most beloved performers. Friday its “A Burt Reynolds Christmas”.

Caption: A Burt Reynolds Christmas

[Burt stands there in his black leather jacket and red shirt]

Kid: Merry Christmas, uncle Burt.

Burt Reynolds: Yep. Who the hell is this kid?

[Cut to an arguing Michael Jeter]

Announcer: With his special guest, “Evening Shade” co-star, Michael Jeter and Jerry Reed.

[Jerry Reed in a trucker’s look plays the guitar]

[Michael and Jerry play cards with Burt]

Burt Reynolds: I’ll see you ten and I’ll bump you ten. Up to you.

Michael Jeter: I can’t see my cards.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, yeah. I put something in your eggnog earlier. Ha, ha.

[Michael falls down on his face]

[Burt and Jerry laugh]

Jerry Reed: You son of a gun!

[Cut to Jerry getting something out of a red stocking, Burt is next to him.]

Jerry Reed: Well, Burt. It looks like Santa done left us a whole stocking full of jokes. [pulls out paper] How many elves—

Burt Reynolds: Oh, wait a minute, I know this one. Is this the one where the elf pulls his johnson out in the whorehouse?

Jerry Reed: Well Burt, you’re not gonna find a joke of that nature in here.

Burt Reynolds: Sure. I put a whole bunch of them in there earlier.

[cut to Burt giving a gift all wrapped pretty to a little girl]

Burt Reynolds: Here you go.

Girl: Thanks, Santa.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, you bet. There’s nothing in it. Its a prop. Ha, ha.

[cut to Burt and Jerry again. Burt takes out a joke out of the red stocking]

Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. This one’s funny. Read it for the folks.

Jerry Reed: [reads and he’s embarrassed] Oh, God. Burt…

Burt Reynolds: C’mon, its funny.

Jerry Reed: I can’t read this. It’s about my old wife.

Burt Reynolds: Ha, ha. Merry Christmas to you.

Announcer: A Burt Reynolds Christmas. Friday on NBC.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Baseball Dreams

Mom…..Helen Hunt
Danny…..Chris Kattan
Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell

Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”

Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!

Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.

Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!

Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]

Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?

Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.

Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!

Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!

Danny: [ excited ] I can?

Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.

[ Scott Rolan steps out from the closet ]

Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!

Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!

Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.

Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!

Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.

[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]

Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.

Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!

Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!

Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..

Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.

Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]

Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.

Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?

Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!

Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]

Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?

Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..

Mom: It smells like chew in here.

Danny: I don’t smell anything..

Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]

Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!

Danny: Hey! What did you say?

Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.

Danny: No, you didn’t!

Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.

[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]

Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..

Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.

Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!

Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]

Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!

Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?

[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]

Danny: Yeah, I think I do!

Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.

Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.

Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!

Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!

Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!

Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that!

[ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]

Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.

Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?

Danny: No! Get out!

[ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]

Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?

Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.

Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]

David Howard: Where’s the party!

Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom!

[ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]

Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?

Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]

Danny: Your dog scares me.

Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!

Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!

Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.

Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!

Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!

Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!

Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again!

[ police sirens can be heard ]

Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops!

[ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]

Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ]

[ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]

Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.

Danny: That was horrible!

Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!

[ suddenly, a group of basketball players run out of the closet and bounce into Danny’s bed and dribble a basketball on his head ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 13th, 1997

Helen Hunt

Hanson

None

Jack Nicholson

Todd Hundley

Scott Rolen

Mark Wohlers

Marty Cordova

Jeff Fassero

Gregg Jefferies

Mark Grudzielanek

Rondell White

Todd Zeile

Russ Davis

Cliff Floyd

David Howard

Mike Sweeney

Gerald Williams
Christmas Caroling with The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) go Christmas caroling with Senor Franklin (Tim Meadows) and Connie Davenport (Helen Hunt).

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin.

Transcript

Montage

Helen Hunt’s MonologueSummary: The cast inundates Helen Hunt with their poor Jack Nicholson impressions, until Nicholson himself appears to tell them “the truth” about their impressions.

First Hosted: 93p.

Transcript

Cookie Dough SportSummary: Cookie dough right when you need it most.

Note: Repeat from 97b.

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) mistakenly think themselves drunk while drinking egg nog, then welcome gingerbread expert Gertrude Mintz (Helen Hunt) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Jesus struggles to find a modern-day example of good will during Christmas.

The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) prepares to enjoy the holidays with Charlene (Helen Hunt).

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Baseball DreamsSummary: Debauchorous baseball players Todd Hundley, Scott Rolen, Mark Wohlers, Marty Cordova, Jeff Fassero, Gregg Jefferies, Mark Grudzielanek, Rondell White, Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, Cliff Floyd, David Howard, Mike Sweeney, and Gerald Williams pop out of a young boy’s (Chris Kattan) bedroom closet to inspire him to pursue his dream of becoming a ballplayer.

Recurring Characters: Ted Brogan.

Transcript

Hanson performs “MMMBop”Bio: Oklahoma pop-rock band; members: Clarke Isaac Hanson, Jordan Taylor Hanson, Zachary Walker Hanson.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Drunken Colin Quinn gets sidetracked and angered by Norm MacDonald during his commentary on the International Monetary Fund.

Note: This is Norm MacDonald’s final appearance as a Weekend Update anchor.

Transcript

The Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys, Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) visit a counselor (Helen Hunt) after striking out at their favorite nightclub.

Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.

Transcript

Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-UpSummary: Skeletal Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers (Cheri Oteri), Issac Mizrahi (Darrell Hammond) and Jodie Foster (Helen Hunt) rate the year’s worst celebrity fashions.

Recurring Characters: Melissa Rivers, Issac Mizrahi, Jodie Foster.

Transcript

A Burt Reynolds ChristmasSummary: Burt Reynolds’ (Norm MacDonald) Christmas special features Jerry Reed (Will Ferrell) and lots of loose hijinks.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed.

Transcript

A Message From Bill GatesSummary: Lonely computer mogul Bill Gates (Chris Kattan) announces the recent merger between Microsoft and Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Bill Gates, Bill Clinton.

Torturing HansonSummary: Seeking revenge on the Hanson Brothers, a pair of torturers (Helen Hunt, Will Ferrell) trap them in an elevator and force them to listen to their own music.

Transcript

Hanson performs “Merry Christmas, Baby”

GoodnightsNote: Helen Hunt and the cast and crew wave good night from the Rockefeller Center skating rink.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Well Babies Tragedy

Brian Williams…..Will Ferrell
Diane Carbonal…..Ana Gasteyer
Bobbie McCaughey…..Molly Shannon
Kenny McCaughey…..Jim Breuer
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Baby Jessica…..Cheri Oteri
Geraldo Rivera…..Chris Kattan

[ Brian Williams and NBC News interrupt a broadcast of “Jenny” for an important news announcement: ]

Brian Williams: An amazing development, just a few hours ago, in the miraculous story of the McCaughey Septuplets, the first septuplets on record. It appears that the Septuplets have now incredibly become trapped in a well. I repeat, all seven McCaughey babies are now trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: For more information on what may be the biggest – and coolest – news story ever, we go now to Diane Carbonal with our local NBC affiliate in Des Moines.

Diane: Thank you, Brian. The news that the seven McCaughey babies have fallen into a well came as a shock to all of us. I, myself, exclaimed, “What? You mean those seven babies are stuck in a well? Jackpot!” Now, here to comment, are Kenny and Bobbie McCaughey themselves. [ Kenny and Bobbie step forward ] Mrs. McCaughey, what happened this evening?

Bobbie McCaughey: Well, Kenny and I decided that the babies had been cooped up long enough, so we decided to take a walk. And then, as any mother does, I set my babies on the edge of a well for safe keeping.

Kenny McCaughey: Then, I heard seven splashes. And I said, “No! No! No! No! No! No! No!”

Diane: Any words for the billions of people watching and praying with you?

Kenny McCaughey: Well, we’d like to thank Preston Ropes for their donation of rope.

Diane: A showering of support in this tragic, highly newsworthy, hour. Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and I’m giving you all the news on the Well Babies Tragedy.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: God, I love that graphic! Wait.. uh.. I’ve just been told that President Clinton is about to make a statement on the situation. Let’s go now, live, to Washington.

President Bill Clinton: [ Before podium in Washington ] Uh.. I am in favor of, uh, rescuing the babies. Thank you. [ He leaves podium ]

Brian Williams: There you have it – a strong endorsement from President Clinton in this time of crisis. Now back to you, Diane Carbonal, in Des Moines.

Diane: Brian, I’ve just been told that the Hostess company has donated a pack of Twinkies that they’ve thrown into the well for the babies to eat. I’ve also been told that Midas Muffler has begun lowering dozens of mufflers into the well for no apparent reason. Joining me now is an expert on being trapped in a well. You may remember her 1987 ordeal. Baby Jessica.

Baby Jessica: [ Smoking hard on cigarette ] Call me “Pre-Teen” Jessica.

Diane: Jessica, it was ten years ago that you yourself were trapped in a well. Can you offer any advice to the septuplets?

Baby Jessica: First off, don’t lose your cool. You’re in a well, so deal with it. Okay, secondly, when you get out, finish school! You can only ride the well thing for so long.

Diane: Thank you, Jessica. [ Jessica runs off, the sound of helicopters can be heard ] Brian, there appears to be a helicopter landing, of some kind. It might be more rescue workers.

Geraldo Rivera: [ Enters scene ] Geraldo Rivera here, the newest member of NBC News, reporting on the Well Babies. We can only hope, and pray..

Brian Williams: Keep Rivera away, Diane. That bastard doesn’t deserve to hold an NBC microphone. The Well Babies are mine!

Diane: Don’t worry, Brian, I’ll handle this. [ Distracting Geraldo ] Look, Geraldo, there’s O.J.! Go get him! Go get him! Go, Boy! Good boy! [ Geraldo quickly runs off in search of nothing ] Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: Well done, kitten. I, I mean, Diane. Once again, if you’re just joining us, the Septuplets are trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: Damn, that’s a kick-ass graphic! You know what else kicks ass? The fact that my career is taking off as we speak. Tom Brokaw, if you’re watching out there, don’t even think about trying to get me out from behind this desk, old man! I’ve got the Well Babies, and I’m here for the long haul. I’ve got a bag of Snickers and a Piss Jar under this desk, so.. Oh, no, I-I’ve just been told that the Septuplets are close to being freed. This can’t happen! This story is all I have! I-I-I’m not going to be another Arthur Kent! Diane, is there anything you can do to stop them?

Diane: I’m afraid not, Brian. Apparently, the well was only four feet deep. This story appears to be coming to a close, as rescue workers have just retrieved all seven babies unharmed. Mrs. McCaughey, any words in this great, great moment of joy?

Bobbie McCaughey: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Officer Lou Costello…..Nathan Lane

[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that isvery kind of you. Thanks, I’m Norm MacDonald, now thefake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced shewill not name an independent counsel to investigatecampaign fundraising by the president. At a pressconference, she said, quote, “The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,not politics, not any other factor.” She was then ledaway at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chineseguys.

Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio thisweek presiding at a town meeting about race relationsin America. The President chose Akron as the site ofthe meeting partly because it is the home of theComing Together Project, an organized effort to endracism, and partly because it is the home of SusanRosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the Presidentstill has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.]

The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now tomove their client’s 10 by 12-foot shack into thecourtroom. After the trial, the cabin will becarefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where itwill serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.

Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According tothe Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recentlybroken into his family estate in search of souvenirsfrom Princess Diana’s grave. But the Earl says heknows just how to protect the site. Landmines![ applause ]

This week in the former Soviet Union, an Americanengineer for a San Diego-based company was arrestedand charged with spying for the United States. Russianauthorities say he was caught attempting to smuggleout their secret formula for alcoholism anddespair.

A new study has found that Americans are in the bestof health, and the worst of health, with lifespansthat can differ by as much as forty years from oneU.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans arefound in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortestlifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [Photo of sign that reads “Welcome To Drunkdrivingvillepop. 33,000” ]

In January, production will begin on the seventhseason of MTV’s “The Real World.” The seven youngpeople appearing in the series will representdifferent backgrounds, ages, religions and sexualorientations. However, this year, they will share onetrait in common — I will hate them. [ applause]

In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a servicethat would allow customers to learn the address of anylisted telephone number in the state. Critics say theservice would be an invasion of privacy, whileproponents of the plan say it will help them invadepeople’s privacy.

On “Tom Snyder” this week, actor Tony Danza said hethought the recent open display of affection bylesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in frontof President Clinton was “extremely disrespectful.” On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,”Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!”[applause]

Playing in a music store in New York this week, KennyG set a world record by holding a saxophone note forforty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators thatit would be quite boring, it should be noted, that itis every bit as boring to hear Kenny G playdifferent saxophone notes – for forty-fiveminutes.

Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of aBronx apartment — the body of an elderly woman. Thewoman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer LouCostello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformedpoliceman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,why don’t you tell the folks here whathappened?

Officer Lou Costello: Well… [ starts to pant,wheeze and gasp ]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!Pull – pull – pull yourself together! These – thesepeople don’t want to hear that nonsense! They– [cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completelyridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.

Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further]

Norm MacDonald: Now, don’t be ridiculous! Now,listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you’re anofficer of the law, aren’t you?

Officer Lou Costello: Of course.

Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written areport, a police report.

Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..

Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don’t you tellthe people what you wrote in the policereport?

Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chickand I went into the apartment, and I smelledsomething. I – I smelled it and it was comin’ from thebedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened thecloset, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy!
Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doingthere?

Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. Amuh-muh-muh… [ pants and wheezes ]

Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slapshim hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You’rean officer of the law, for God’s sake! What are yougetting so excited for?

Officer Lou Costello: I’m a-scared!

Norm MacDonald: Ahhh… well, this isridiculous! All right, forget this! We’re gettingnowhere.

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You’retelling me.

Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ someapplause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, mustpause to gather himself ]

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -you know, that’s why Bud and I broke up, he hit himtoo hard.

Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask youthis, now, finally, Officer Costello.

Officer Lou Costello: Yes?

Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that’syour precinct, the precinct you work in – it hasrecently been accused of brutalizing suspects, andthen maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were youinvolved in this?

Officer Lou Costello: I’m a badboy!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer LouCostello, everyone. That’s ridiculous! [ to Lou ]That’s ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Normwith his police cap as Norm breaks character] Andthat’s the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoilsas Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Quiet Storm

Chris “Champagne” Garnett….Tim Meadows
Larry Unhower….Nathan Lane
Black lover slow dancing….Tracy Morgan

[Opens with a black couple slow dancing in a room lit with candles listening to mellow r&b music over the radio]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [suave mellow voice over the radio] That’s right. Wrap your hands around your sweet lady and whisper secret words in her ears cause is that time where gentle caresses turns into sweet lovemaking. [cut to Chris on his radio booth, headphones, dark sunglasses] I’m your Deejay Chris “Champagne” Garnett and you’re listening to “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] Right now we got some “Keith Sweat” coming at ya’. Because it is time to sweat between the sheets. Smooth love skin against smooth lover skin. Passionate groans filling the air. Moist, hot. And also by the way, its the third day of Hanukkah. Yeah, so make sure you light another candle and then get down, here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] And while you hold your lover in a passionate embrace of gentle kisses and sweet promises, whisper in her ear that Patterson Construction is offering 30 % discount onbrick face and stucco. Yeah, brick face, stucco, Hanukkah and sweet lovemaking. Here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[A man is seen behind Chris looking for something on a shelf]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, well, well…looks like Larry Unhower, the host of our mid-day easy-listening program “Afternoon Delight” has just stepped into the booth.

Larry Unhower: Hello Chris. Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for my Anne Murray boxset.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: I think I threw that out, man.

Larry Unhower: Oh, that’s quite all right. Hey, I just had a wacky idea. Maybe I’ll join you for a few tunes. It’ll be fun![sits, puts on headphones]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, that is certainly a wacky idea but I don’t think that’s really necessary…

Larry Unhower: This is Larry Unhower joining Chris “Champagne” Garnett on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: You touch that button again and I’m gonna go Latrell Sprewell on your ass.

Larry Unhower: Oh, take it easy, Chris. And speaking of easy lets hear some “Air Supply” now. “Im all out of love”.

[Air Supply song plays, Larry sways to the song] “Im all out of love, I’m so lost without you…”

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Let’s not.[turns it off] Instead lets listen to some “D’Angelo”, yeah. [D’Angelo plays] This song goes out to Chanika and G-Dog. G-Dog says he loves you, Chanika. And he wants to get it on even though you’re pregnant with Antwone’s baby. Here on “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Larry Unhower: Well, that’s about enough of that![skips record]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: What the hell are you doing, man?

Larry Unhower: I just wanted to introduce your listeners to a better class of music. Ladies and gentlemen, “Amy Grant”.

[Amy grant song plays, Larry snaps his fingers to the song] Amy Grant: “Baby, baby….”

Larry Unhower: This song goes out to Glen and Karen. Glen says he cares about you, Karen. And apologizes for the remarks he made about the matching sweaters here on “Afternoon Delight” [pushes button, birds chirping sound effect]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Listen bitch! I will beat your ass so badly you’ll be howling in pain and it won’t be easy listening. Now here’s “Keith Sweat”, his newest groove “I need your loving”.

[ Chris pushes button and a folk song plays] “Sunshine on my shoulde-e-e-ers….”

Larry Unhower: I took the liberty of re-programming some of the musical selections.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah? Well, I took the liberty of purchasing a knife. [pulls out a monster switchblade]

Larry Unhower: What are you doing? Are you crazy?

[cut to the two black lovers slow dancing, Chris and Larry’s fight is heard over the radio]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: No one screws with my show!! You hear me?! Oh, so you have a gun, huh? Tough guy?!

Larry Unhower: That’s right! Only one of us is leaving here alive tonight!!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Then bring it on!!!

[Couple keeps slow dancing, over the radio we hear furniture crashing and glass breaking and the violent scuffle]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh! Uff! Got to get my “Peaches and Herb” CD!!

Larry Unhower: Oh!, ah! Never, never! Must play “James Taylor”!!

[3 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang!]

[cut back into the radio booth, Chris holds a gun in his hand, Larry is shot in the head, blood on the temple, flat on his face on the console]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, this is Chris “Champagne” Garnett. We got some “Peaches and Herb” comin’ at ya’! Also “The Quiet Storm” will be on tomorrow afternoon because I just shot Larry Unhower in the head. Yeah, so grab your lover, hold her tight, because this is “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[Larry’s hand moves trying to change the record and Chris pushes his hand away. Chris sways to the music.]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Songs That Ruined Everything

Dennis DeYoung…..Will Ferrell

Dennis DeYoung: [ singing at piano ]
“I know you think these are the worst of times
I do believe it’s true.”

Hi. I’m Dennis DeYoung, lead singer of the rock group Styx. And that was our smash hit, “The Best of Times”, a song that turned a respected art-rock quintent into an easy-listening laughingstock. You can hear that and other career-destroying hits on an amazing collection called “Songs That Ruined Everything”. You’ll get dozens of songs which singnalled the beginning of the end for many formerly cool artists. Including:

[ show image of Steve Miller over music sample ]

“Abracadabra”, by the Steve Miller Band..

[ show image of Bruce Springsteen over music sample ]

..”Dancing In The Dark”, by the Boss – Bruce Springsteen..

[ show image of Rod Stewart over music sample ]

..and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart.

I’m sure we all remember the moment we lost respect for one of our favorite artists. Now you can relive that moment again and again. Imagine it’s 1986, and you’re eagerly awaiting the new album by the world’s greatest rock-and-roll band.. and they give you this: [ sound clip plays ] “Harlem Shuffle”, by the Rolling Stones. You’ll also get:

[ show image of Yes over music sample ]

“Owner Of A Lonely Heart”, by Yes.

[ show image of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson over music sample ]

..”Say, Say, Say”, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Hey! This one ruined two reputations!

[ show image of Van Halen over music sample ]

And, of course, “Jump”, by Van Halen.

And if you act now, we’ll include a bonus album: “Songs That Made ItImpossible For Even The Most Ardent Fan Not To Realize Something WasSeriously Wrong.” We’re talking about songs that pounded the final nailinto the coffin of artistic legitimacy. Such as:

[ show image of Jefferson Starship over music sample ]

“We Built This City”, by Jefferson Starship..

[ show image of Genesis over music sample ]

..”Invisible Touch”, by Genesis..

[ show image of Billy Joel over music sample ]

..”We Didn’t Start The Fire”, by Billy Joel..

[ show image of Styx over music sample ]

..and Styx’s own “Mr. Roboto”.

Each of these songs reminds us that even our best and brightest can enter a heart-breaking creative freefall, from which there’s no escape! So, “domo arigato”!

[ continues singing ]

“I’m sailing away-ay-ay..”

Announcer: Send $19.95 to:
Dennis DeYoung Enterprises
2250 E. Madison Street,
Chicago, Illinois

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan

…..Marianne Faithfull

[ dissolve from the Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art Odyssey film ]

Marianne Faithfull:
“The morning sun touched lightly on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
In a white suburban bedroom
in a white suburban town.”

[ dissolve to commercial, as the studio audience hears more of the song: ]

“As she lay there ‘neath the covers
Dreaming of a thousand lovers
Till the world turned to orange
And the room went spinning ’round.

At the age of 37
She realized she’d never ride
Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized
In her daddy’s easy chair.

Her husband is off to work
And the kids are off to school
And there were, oh, so many ways
For her to spend the day
She could clean the house for hours
Or rearrange the flowers
Or run naked through the shady streets
Screaming all the way!

At the age of 37
She realized –“

[ dissolve on a Nathan Lane bumper, as SNL returns from commercial. Marianne Faithfull and the SNL Band promptly pot down. ]

“– she’d never ride.”

[ the rest of the song: ]

“Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized
In her daddy’s easy chair.

The evening sun touched gently on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
On the roof top, where she climbed
When all the laughter grew too loud
And she bowed and curtsied to the man
Who reached and offered her his hand
And he led her down to the long white car
That waited past the crowd.

At the age of 37
She knew she’d found forever
As she rolled along through Paris
With the warm wind in her hair.”

SNL Transcripts