Month: October 2018

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

What’s The Rush?

Sean…..Seth Meyers
Becca…..Amy Poehler
Sweet Pete Zernicky…..Ray Romano

[ open on title graphic, over theme song “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremees ]

[ dissolve to show set, Sean and Becca seated next to one another on the couch ]

Becca: Welcome! To another episode of “What’s The Rush?” I’m Becca, and beside me is my boyfriend of three years – Sean. This is a sohw for and by people who made the pledge to forego sexual intercourse until marriage.

Sean: Just because you abstain from sex doesn’t mean you have to abstain from life.

Becca: [ laughs ] That’s so true! Last weekend.. Sean and I went camping, and we had a wonderful time.

Sean: After our ten minutes of deep, familiar kissing, and restrained, over-the-clothes petting.. we decided to lie back and try to go to sleep.

Becca: [ laughing ] It’s amazing what you hear when you’re wide awake in the forest!

Sean: [ nervous laughter ] I felt my senses were ve-ry acute!

Becca: I felt that, too! It was like I could hear a single bead of sweat roll off your brow.. down your neck.. and onto your chest.. which I imagine to be muscular, yet hairy. Like a Greek god!

Sean: [ uncomfortably horny, thanks to the epic description ] Do you, maybe, want to do some jumping jacks?

Becca: Yeah, yeah! Jumping jacks!

[ they awkwardly perform a series of jumping jacks to release their pented-up frustrations ]

Becca: Okay!

Sean: I am gonna kill you!!!

Becca: [ screams playfully ] Okay! Whoo! We always get great guests on “What’s The Rush?” From Rev. Walker to Rev. Manning!

Sean: We thought we’d “switch up”, and bring out someone with a counter viewpoint.

Becca: Right. Someone who could talk about their own sexual experiences.

Sean: Because talking about it is fine!

Becca: Yeah, talking about it’s not doing it!

Sean: Yeah, what?! Now we can’t even talk about it!

Becca: Aw, give us a break!

Sean: Arrrrrggggghhhh!!

Becca: Okay! So, please.. um.. welcome the author of the book “Don’t Just Sit There – Bone Something”. Sweet Pete Zernicky.

[ theme music plays Pete onto the set ]

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ahhhh.. So how long is this gonna take, ’cause I got some serious bonin’ to do!

Becca: Uh.. now, Pete, uh..

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. “Sweet” Pete!

Becca: Okay. Sweet Pete. Um.. why did you write this book?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Well.. we’re livin’ in crazy times. You know? Yeah. The war.. terrorists.. blue ketchup.. tiny ovens that cook things real fast! You know? We need a release. We need a release from the madness! That’s why I think bonin’ – hardcore, non-stop American bonin’.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so, sex. What’s that like?

Becca: Yes. Sex, is it good?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeeeaaahhhh.. You know what it’s like? It’s like Christmas morning, when you’re opening up your gifts, and you’re.. you’re.. you’re filled, you’re full with this overwhelming feeling of joy. You know? It’s just like that – only in your pants.

Sean: Is it, um.. is it different every time?

Becca: Yeah.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Each lady is like a different song, you know? Like a different song with a different set of racks! I mean, would you want to listen to one song for the rest of your life?

Sean: No, that would suck!

Becca: Yeah, you know, I like a lot of different songs.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Hey! Hey! I got an idea! you two should bone!

[ Becca and Sen are uncomfortably silent ]

Sean: You want some water?

Becca: Yeah, okay, I’ll have some water, thank you so much!

[ Sean pours Becca half-glass of water, then pours his glass onto his crotch. He follows up by pouring the entire pitcher onto his crotch, then the contents of Becca’s unfinished glass. ]

Becca: Whoo! That’s great! Thank you so much!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Alright, quick change of subject – how come you two haven’t boned yet?

Becca: Uh.. well, uh.. Sweet Pete.. we mutually decided to save ourselves for the ultimate wedding gift, once we’re married.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. ssshhhhhh.. ssshhhhh.. sshhhhhhhhh.. Let me tellya something – I was married once. So I know all about the “once you’re married”. You know what that’s like? It’s like driving a Porsche in a school zone. Okay? Let me use another metaphor: you wanna pork other ladies all the time, but you can’t. It’s a drag.

Sean: [ frustrated ] Ohhh, that would suck!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: So, listen.. out of curioist,y what do you guys consider sex?

Becca: [ thinking ] Um.. I won’t give.. “jobs”.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah.

Sean: Also, uh.. if it feels good, she won’t let me do it.

Becca: Sean, I thought this was something we both wanted?

Sean: Why don’t YOU SHUT UP??!!

Becca: I didn’t say Shut up!

Sean: You know WHAT?!! You’re not WORTH IT!!

[ they break into uncontrollable, frustrating laughter, desperate to relieve themselves of this burdon ]

Becca: Okay, well.. thank you so much for coming, Sweet Pete.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: O-kay.. my pleasure. Anything else you guys want to ask me?

Sean: Uh.. I can’t relaly think of anything right now.. [ quickly ] On Page 57 of your book, you mention three-ways! Have you ever had a three-way?!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: [ happily ] Yeah!

Becca: Have you ever done it underwater?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

Sean: Sex in public?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

Becca: Where?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Elevator.

Sean: Moving?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yep.

Becca: Because of it being an elevator, or because of the sex?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: A little both.

Sean: Where else?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Jet skis.. zoo.. helicopter.. haunted house.. scented candle store.. Statue of Liberty-

Sean: [ can’t take the frustrations any longer ] Okay, I’m going for a run! [ runs off set quickly ]

Becca: Okay! That has been all, you know.. all the time we have today.. Thank you so much, Sweet Pete, you’ve been truly informative and pleasant.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Do you wanna go in my van and bone?

Becca: [ hesitant at first, but then boldly ] Yes. I do want to do that.

[ they run off to Sweet Pete’s van, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Rialto Grande

Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun…..Jimmy Fallon
Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan
Mackey…..Fred Armisen
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar…..Ray Romano
Cocktail Waitresses…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph

Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun: And now, coming to you live, from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grande – just shy of the Vegas strip – it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is old pal Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun saying: The only thing smaller than this guy’s paycheck.. is his pointdexter! Here’s.. Buddy Mills!

[ the aging Buddy Mills runs excitedly onto the stage, little else to live for in his life; cocktail waitresses wil periodically walk past Buddy string directly into the audience as though severely annoyed at having to work the act ]

Buddy Mills: Ha! Hello, Nas Legas, Vevada! Ha HA! Hey, is it New Year’s Eve? ‘Cause I think my ball just dropped! Haaa, I can’t! [ expects a rim shot from drummer Mackey, but gets zero response from the open-mouthed old-timer ] I just got my taxes done, have you heard about these things, these taxes? Apparently-

[ from out of nowhere, Mackey delivers an inappropriately-timed rim shot ]

Buddy Mills: Apparently, I can’t claim not gettin’ any.. as a loss! Haaa, wait a second, I can’t! [ waits again for a non-existant rim shot from Mackey ] I’ll tell ya, my wife’s knockers are so low-

[ Mackey delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody. Great stuff. Class act. Anyway.. my wife’s knockers are so low.. she crossed the street yesterday, and got three jaywalking tickets! Whaaaat?! Wait a.. I can’t! [ again, no rim shot from Mackey ] Hey, Mackey, how’s your wife doin’? Good? [ Mackey doesn’t respond, he just stares open-mouthed ] No kiddin’? Okay! We’ve got a great show – despite all the water damage, thank you for coming! Here’s a tip – if you see black mold, don’t put your tongue on it, on matter how good it looks! Heeey, I don’t.. okay! Sorry.. sorry.. Our first guest-

Mackey: [ interrupting unexpectedly ] Mabel is fine..

Buddy Mills: Our first guest is a great fellow! You guys have seen him plastered all over the bus stps – literally! The second funniest comic – in this room, at this very moment as we speak – Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar!

[ Marv enters onto the stage chomping on a cigar ]

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Bud-dyyyyy! There’s a hooker in the lobby looking for you – you left your dentures in her paaaants! [ clutches his stomach ] Hold.. hold.. hold.. and release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] Unbelievable!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down!

Buddy Mills: So good! So good!

[ they both sit at a table on the stage ]

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down, you monkey! Sit in the chair!

Buddy Mills: This guy! This guy’s been the headliner in the Medallion Room at Caeser’s, for how many years now?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Well.. well.. let’s just say, when I started there the hecklers used bows and arrows! Hold.. hold.. and release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] That is a long story! That is a very long story!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: The only thing longer than that is Buddy’s wife’s face when she sees him naked! Hold.. Hold.. release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Keep still, you rabbit!

Buddy Mills: I can’t believe they canned you from Caeser’s, I really can’t..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah!

Buddy Mills: Big loss to them, truly a loss..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I got replaced by this new kid – Celie Die-on. I mean, what are you gonna do? How am I gonna compete with a Canadian in her own amphitheater? Huh?! She’s got the laser lights, and the fountains, and the, you know.. the only water spectacle I got in my act is when my catheter slips out! Holding.. holding..

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] So good! Spuds, I swear to God, you are on fire tonight! You are unbelievable! [ to the audience ] You have gotta see this guy’s act, it’s so good! Please tell everybody where you’re playing next weekend.

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I have some gigs lined up, in the area..

Buddy Mills: Yeah. Yeah. Where, uh.. where are you playing?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I’m at, uh.. I’m at various places in the vicinity..

Buddy Mills: Uh-huh. Yeah. Where at, like where?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Uh, well.. I’m gonna be over at, uh.. I’m doing a weekend at the, uh.. at the, uh.. [ suddenly collapses into a handful of tears ] I’ve got NOTHING!! I’ve got NOTHING!!

Buddy Mills: Okay.. let it out, it’s okay.. it’s okay.. it really is okay..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Ohhh, it hurts, Buddy..

Buddy Mills: I know it does..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Oh, God..

Buddy Mills: It’s alright..You know? And I know it does, I know it hurts.. We’re the clowns, you know? We’re not supposed to cry. We’re the ones who are crying inside the hardest, you know? It’s so hard!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: [ regaining his composure ] You know what I did? You know what I did yesterday? I, uh.. I practiced my act in mirror. you know? Because I wanted to see.. how they saw me.. you know? And I said, “Oh, God.. who’s that pathetic old man who forgot.. how to make.. people.. laugh..? Who’s gonna hire him?

[ Mackey finally delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums! Hey, don’t worry – you! You.. are the real deal, Spuds! You’re unbelievable! They can have their Celine Dions, and they can have those fancy ladies! They can have ’em!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah, well, you know.. the women, they’ve always been trouble for me.

Buddy Mills: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Even my blow-up doll can’t keep her mouth shut! Holding.. release! I’m back!

Buddy Mills: Ha ha haaaa!! I can’t!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let it out!

Buddy Mills: Lemme tell ya somethin’! One thing for sure..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let’s sing a song!

[ all four cocktail waitresses relunctanly join Buddy and Marv onstage ]

Buddy & Marv: [ singing together ]
“When skies are cloudy and gray
They’re only gray for a day
So wrap your troubles in dreams
And dream your troubles away..”

Buddy Mills: Thank you for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar! And, remember: it ain’t a one-night stand if you’re layin’ down! Haaaaa, my other ball just dropped! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Goodnights

…..Ray Romano

Ray Romano: Thank you to Zwan! The cast! The crew! My family! New York! America! Weinerschnitzel! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

CNN Newsbreak

Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chris Kattan

[ dissolve onto Aaron Brown at the CNN newsdesk, as the latest news scrolls across the bottom of the screen: ]

Scroll: “All-Night Vegas wraps, laughter heard.

Scroll: Whereabouts of Tracy Morgan remain unknown, systematic searh of area topless bars yield no results.

Scroll: Preliminary reports indicate that Horatio Sanz has commenced ninth beer of evening, tenth expected shortly.

Scroll: Sanz: “Hey, lay off of me, man.”

Scroll: SNL rookie writer James Eagan: “Just really excited to be part of it all.”

[ scroll repeats throughout the mini-broadcast ]

Aaron Brown: Um.. good evening, um.. I’m Aaron Brown. And I.. I’ve been talking for.. a long time. A long.. long time.. For those of you who are just joining our coverage, the top story out of Studio 8-H here in New York is that the All-Night Vegas sketch has wrapped. Which is to say that it has reached its inevitable.. conclusion. The next sketch: funny, enlightening, entertaining.. it should be starting any minute now. But, uh.. as of yet, we don’t seem to be quite ready. I, uh.. apologize for the delay. It’s 12:26 Eastern Standard Time, or 12:26 Studio 8-H.. Daylight Time. [ clears throat ] That was, of course, the inimitable, uh.. Chris Karttan, the man who has.. provided us with so much, uh.. joy. Over the years.. revisiting the role of down-on-his-luck Las Vegas comedian Buddy Mills. A man who, uh.. is faced with a whole.. [ laughing ] ..a whole host of problems! Stemming from his, uh.. flatering career.. [ laughs again ] ..his, uh.. difficult marriage.. his ailing prostate, and.. [ laughing ] And the lsit goes on!

I’m getting word that we’re just moments away from the next sketch, but we’re not quite there yet. These great cast members are, of course, under a tremendous amount of stress. And we’re going to go now to Chris Kattan, live, for.. an insider’s perspective.. on that last sketch. And, Chris, are you there?

[ show split screen on Aaron on one side, and Chris Kattan, still in costume, on the other side ]

Aaron Brown: [ coughs ] Chris? [ Chris mumbles to himself on his side ] Okay. Unfortunately, there seems to be some audio problems.. with Chris’ audio. We’re going to be working on that situation, and we’re gonna.. okay. I’m now getting word the next sketch is ready, and I believe this is a parody of a commercial for something called the, uh.. [ receiving communication in his earpiece ] Oh.. okay.. it’s.. an actual commercial. Alright, then, can I just take a little break, then? It’d be all right if I just- No? No break? Okay, then.. we’re gonna be.. we’ll be back right.. after this.

[ cut to bumper montage, fade to real commercials ]

SNL Transcripts

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Phone Booth

Walter…..Ray Romano
Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond
Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan
Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards

[ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.

Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!

Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.

Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]

Voice on Phone: Walter.. don’t be a douche-bag.

Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!

Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.

Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.

Walter: No! I’m hanging up!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?

Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?

[ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]

Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!

Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..

[ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]

Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!

[ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]

Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!

Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!

Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!

Police Captain: Step out of the booth!

Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.

Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!

Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.

Walter: Wha? What do you want?!

Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..

Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!

Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!

Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?

Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.

Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!

Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.

Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!

Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..

Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..

Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!

Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!

Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..

Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..

Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!

Police Captain: [ offended ] What’dju say, bitch?!

Walter: The man on the PHONE!!

Voice on Phone: Shut up, Walter!

Walter: What.. what do you want from me?!

Voice on Phone: One..more.. thing.. I want you to hold up your fingers and indicate to the entire world what a small penis you have.

Walter: [ hoping beyond hope ] Is this Phil?

Voice on Phone: Just.. do.. it.

Walter: [ pokes his head out of the booth, holding his fingers up stretched wide ] Hey, everybody, uh.. this.. is the size-

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. lie..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little more closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Wal-terrrrrrr..

Walter: Well, come on!

Voice on Phone: Would you rather take it out and show it to them?

Walter: [ holds his fingers practically right on top of one another ] This is the SIZE of my PENIS!!

Police Captain: That’s why he hate us.

Back-up Cop: It’s just sad.

Walter: The width!! I mean, the width!!

Voice on Phone: No-body believes you, Wal-ter.. Now, step out.. of.. the.. booth..

Walter: What? Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me?

Voice on Phone: I was just having a little fun with you. You can go.

Walter: [ relieved ] Alright, then.. I’m gonna hang up, now.

Voice on Phone: Yes, Wal-ter.. you’ve just.. saved.. your life.. for now.

Walter: Goodbye. [ hangs up the phone and steps out of the booth ] I don’t hate black people..

Police Captain: I know. Come on. Nice and easy.

Walter: And then, you know, thing with my penis..

Police Captain: Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

[ suddenly, the phone rings again; on instinct, Walter picks it right back up again ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: What is wrong with you, Walter?!

Walter: [ feeling stupid and angry all at once ] Dammit!! I thought THIS time it HAD to be a CONTEST!!

Voice on Phone: Okay, we’re going to start.. with pulling down your pants..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 12th, 2003

Ray Romano

Zwan

None

A Message From Saddam Hussein

In pre-recorded message, Hussein (Horatio Sanz) insists he’s broadcasting live.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Ray Romano’s Monologue

Romano performs stand-up about adult movies, his twins, and childhood fantasies.

What’s The Rush

Virgins (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) interview bonin’ expert (Romano).

Wake Up Wakefield

Sheldon’s (Rachel Dratch) dad (Romano) visits for Career Day.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Zwan performs “Lyric”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

NCAA pool winner Seth Meyers rubs his dollars in Jimmy and Tina’s faces.

Minister of Information (Darrell Hammond) lies.

Rialto Grande

Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) performs with lackluster comedian (Romano).

Recurring Characters: Buddy Mills.

CNN Newsbreak

Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) discusses previous sketch, waits for next one.

Phone Booth

Walter (Romano) is tortured mentally by phone booth sniper.

Access Hollywood

New co-anchor Chet Harper (Romano) annoys Nancy (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien, Chet Harper.

Zwan performs “Settle Down”

Club Traxx

Sleazy Iraqi singer (Romano) is new pop sensation.

Recurring Characters: Beertje Van Beers, Leonard.

Uday Hussein For President

Saddam’s idiot son Uday Hussein (Fred Armisen) holds American qualities.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits

Don Banks…Bernie Mac
Rushion Brown….Dean Edwards
Wigger….Will Forte

[Opens with Don Bank’s clothing store. Don is a big black man wearing a colorful suit and hat.]

Don Banks: Hey, how you doing? I’m Don Banks. Are you a black comic in search of a perfect suit? Then come see Don Banks The King of “Comedy” Suits. Are you looking for a double-breasted pinstripe sleeveless size 54? [photo of Cedric the Entertainer wearing it] Cause I got one. How about a classic Eddie Murphy leather 20-zipper ensemble? I got it in “Delirious” red[photo of Murphy’s red 20 zipper jacket] and I got it in “Raw” purple.[photo of Murphy wearing the ridiculous jacket]. I got Simbad’s genie pants.[holds up the pants] I got ’em 3 for $20. I got Martin Lawrence’s undershorts. [photo of Martin Lawrence running in his undies down the street] For when you go crazy. I got Bill Cosby imitation sweaters. They usually cost up to $500 but if you like polyester I can get it for you for $28. Let me tell you something, are you the next King of Comedy? Well, dress like one dammit! I got something from the Steve Harvey collection. We got Steve Harvey mustard colored suits. [photos of Steve Harvey’s nauseating yellow suits] Fresh yellow mustard, Dijon mustard, Honey mustard, Grey poupon mustard. Don Banks offers the largest collection of eggplant and mustard color this side of St.Louis. So if you want your suits, if you got em in buttons. I got 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 buttons. I got the suit jackets that come all the way down to your knees. So let the people know, I got TV money. I can afford enough fabric for a long-ass coat. Don’t take my word. This is one of the biggest names in the business!

[Black guy in wild red suit] [Rushion Brown. Talent Booker for BET’s “Comic View”]

Rushion Brown: Oh, man! Before I let comics on my show I send them to Don Banks! He dresses all the comedy kings! Ricky Smiley [photo of Ricky in loud get up] Bruce Bruce [Bruce in complicated suit] Don D.C. Curry [Don in leather suit] Shucky Ducky![photo of Shucky horrendous suit]

Rushion and Don: Quack! Quack!

Rushion Brown: Kat ‘N Da’ Hat[Kat in ridiculous suit and hat] Kool Bubba Ice![photo of Kool in stupid ass suit] Don Banks is the most trusted name in afro-comedic apparel. We love you Don! [shakes hands with Don]

Don Banks: Tell you right, baby. Don Banks King of the “Comedy” Suits. If you want to be a black stand-up or just dress like one.

[white guy in sleeveless jacket and white Kangol]

Wigger: I just want to dress like one. Thanks Don Banks!

Don Banks: Be down or be dead.

Announcer: Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits. 1321 Walnut Street, Philadelphia. The first King of Comedy is property of Broadway Video and used without permission.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Four Stooges

Woody Harrelson…..Jimmy Fallon
Museum Curator…..Darrell Hammond
Moe…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Chris Kattan
Curly…..Jeff Richards
Rib-Eye…..Bernie Mac

Announcer: We now return to The Three Stooges’ 75th anniversary, on NBC.

[ dissolve to Woody Harrelson in studio ]

Woody Harrelson: Hi. I’m Woody Harrelson. And that can only mean one thing – you guessed it.. a prime-time Three Stooges tribute. If you’re like me, you love The Three Stooges – mostly because you’re stoned all the time. Moe, Larry & Curly are The Three Stooges we know best; but, over the years, the Stooges went through a lot of line-up changes, with Shemp being only the first among many replacements for Curly. One of the most interesting, and little-known, chapters in the Stooges’ existence came during a brief period when the Three Stooges becoem a foursome, with the addition of a gifted physical comedian, dance hall piano player, and former cathouse bouncer named.. Rib-Eye Wilkins. This new line-up made its debut on the Columbia Studios two-reeler “Now Museum, Now You Don’t”.

[ Three Stooges music pots up, as we dissolve to the title card ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white reel of the film short, set in a museum, as the Museum Curator looks about the area ]

Museum Curator: Ohhh.. pip and tosh! Where are those four dinosaur bone cleaners I requested? They were supposed to be here over an hour ago!

[ suddenly, the Four Stooges poke their heads out from behind a wall – Rib-Eye on top, then Curly, Moe and Larry in downward succession; the camera pans upward on them ]

Larry: Hellooooo!

Moe: Hellooooo!

Curly: Hellooooo!

Rib-Eye: Hello.

[ the Stooges fumble about trying to stand together in a line ]

Museum Curator: Gentlemen! Don’t you realize how late you are!

Moe: Hey, just take it easy there! Don’t get your Bunson burner in a bunch, spinach chin!

Museum Curator: Spinach chin..?? Why, I..

Moe: Listen! you just sohw us these bones of yours, and we’ll get ’em cleaned up in a jiffy!

Museum Curator: Well.. you had better! And please remember these bones are very valuable, and very fragile! So, please.. don’t let anything Stoogish occurrrr.

Moe & Larry: Hmmm…

Curly: Soitenly!

Rib-Eye: Alright.. I guess that we.. need to spread out, then.

Moe: Alright! You heard that professor, fellas! We need to get to work on this thing, you bunch of ignoramuses!

Curly: Who you callin’ an ignoramus, you ignoramus?

Moe: Why, I oughtta..

[ Moe begins to hit Curly with wild sound effects, Curly hits back, and eventually Moe smacks one to Larry just the same ]

Larry: Hey, what’dja hit me for? I didn’t do anything!

Moe: No! But you was about to!

Rib-Eye: [ breaking up the fight ] Hey, hey, hey, oh.. come on now, chowderhead.. we got a job to do. Let’s cut all the monkey business and get to work, chop-chop.

Moe: Chop-chop, eh? I’ll chop you, you wise guy! [ slaps Rib-Eye across the face, laughs ]

Rib-Eye: Aw, hell no! I know you just didn’t do that, man, I know you just didn’t do that!

Moe: But, I, uh..

Rib-Eye: Huh?

Moe: I mean..

Rib-Eye: Huh? Huh? What did you say to me? Huh? What did you say to me.. soup-bowl haircut?

Moe: Uh.. y-y-y-y-you heard me, you nincompoop! [ meekly ] Come on, man, this is a.. a bit. It’s supposed to be funny..

Rib-Eye: Ohhh, it’s funny now? Slappin’ a black man around on film, it’s funny, huh?

Moe: Oh, no! I..

Rib-Eye: I’ll show you funny! [ begins to beat the hell out of Moe ] Huh?! You think I’m funny?! Huh! Huh!

Larry: Hey, Rib-Eye.. it’s just a slap!

Rib-Eye: [ stops pounding on Moe ] Just a slap, right? I’m sick of Moe! I’m sick of you, too! [ claps Larry ] That’s just a slap? You slap women! You don’t slap women?!

Curly: Oh, God! Take it easy! You’re kickin’ his brains all over your foot, you crazy bastard! [ stops himself short ]

Rib-Eye: What’d you say to me?!

Curly: Oh, God! Whoo-whoo!

[ dissolve to end title card, over closing theme music ]

[ dissolve back to Woody Harrelson, who opens his mouth allowing pot smoke to escape. He coughs ]

Woody Harrelson: After this.. one film, the four performers went their separate ways. Rib-Eye, back to the dance halls and juke joints he loved so well; and The Three Stooges, to 18 months of.. painful physical and speech therapy. Stick around. When we come back, we’ll lookat even more unpopular Three Stooges pornos. I’m gonna have to roll another one for that..

[ fade out, with Three Stooges theme music ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

No Smoking

Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Red…..Bernie Mac
Hedda…..Amy Poehler
Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

Red: None at all?

Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

Red: You never hurt nobody!

Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

Red: It is crazy!

Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

Red: Cuckoo!

Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

Hedda: That’s right!

Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

Hedda: That right?

Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

Hedda: Of course..

Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

Hedda: Good for you..

Red: It makes you run faster!

Hedda: Run faster..

Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

Hedda: That’s right..

Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

Red: [ laughs, choking ]

Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

Hedda: Nooooooo!

Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

Red: Why?

Hedda: There’s too much air!

Red: Yeah!

Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

Red: Yeah, yeah!

[ Jerry enters ]

Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

Red: Hey!

Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: These are lights.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

Bartender: Can’t do it.

Jerry: But I’m a regular!

Bartender: Nope!

Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

Bartender: Can’t!

Jerry: I won’t exhale.

Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

Hedda: Right.

Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

Hedda: Nobody.

Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

Red: Tell ’em!

Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

Red: Let the lady smoke!

Bartender: Not in here!

Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

Hedda: That’s right..

Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Pianist

Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen

[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ]

[ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ]

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

Shusher: I want my money back..

Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

[ everyone else exits the theater ]

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts