Announcer: CNN News Alert. We’re taking you now, live, to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, for the latest on the situation in Iraq. He should arrive any minute.
[ Donald Rumsfeld steps up to the podium, as reporters wave their arms to have their questions noticed ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Yes? Anne.
Reporter #1: With the discovery of the twelve chemical warheads, and the deployment of more troops to the region, is it fair to say that this administration has found its smoking gun?
Donald Rumsfeld: Smoking gun? [ chuckles ] Let me think about that.. [ thinks ] I don’t want to answer that. But let me try to answer that.. uh.. no, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t feel the need to answer that. [ hands wave again ] Dave.
Reporter #2: Hans Glick said last wek that the inspection could drag on past any deadline we’ve set, maybe months. Do you think this administration can wait that long?
Donald Rumsfeld: Well.. look, Hans Glick has his timetable. I don’t wanna get in any discussion about possible timetables. I mean, we’re waiting – let me say, anxiously awaiting – any information the inspectors might provide, or that we might provide them. Now, Pete?
Reporter #3: If it turns out that Saddam is indeed lying about these warheads, would that be enough to go to war?
Donald Rumsfeld: Enough to go to war. How do I answer that? Well, let me try it like this: Saddam keeps sayin’ he’s got something for us.. something he calls proof, but let’s confess. He’s been a-messin’ where he shouldn’t a-been a-messin’. Now someone else is gettin’ all the best. Now, as I see it, these boots are made for walkin’.. and that.. that’s just what they’re gonna do. One of these days – I don’t know the exact date, but sometime in the future – these boots are gonna walk all over ‘im. Karen?
Reporter #4: I.. was gonna ask you a different question.. but.. was that the Nancy Sinatra song “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, sir?
Donald Rumsfeld: You make can anything of it you want to, Karen. It’s an undeniable fact.. The man keeps lyin’ when he oughtta be truthin’.. and he keeps losin’ when he oughtta not bet. He keeps samin’ when he oughtta be a-changin’. And what’s right is right, he just has not been right yet. What more can I say? [ begins to sing ] “These boots are made for walkin’, that’s just what they’ll do.. one of these days these boots.. [ music stops ] ..are gonna walk right over this guy.. Doug?
Reporter #5: Listen, we’re respecting members of the press here. You can’t just sing “These Boots Are Made For Walking”, and expect us to print it.
Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t see why not. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to up here. When it comes to Saddam.. [ singing again ] He keeps playin’ where he shouldn’t be a-playin’. He keeps thinkin’ that he’ll never get burned. I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah-ah! What I know, you ain’t had time to learn! The boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.” Are you ready boots? Start walkin’, all the way to Baghdad. Put that in your press and smoke it! And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Director: And.. cut! Great job, everybody, great job! That’s perfect! Maria, can I talk to you for a second?
Maria: Sure, Mr. Van Peebles!
Director: Great.. uh.. Maria, how-how old are you now?
Maria: Twelve-and-a-half!
Director: You know, Maria, you do a great job on the show.. I think you’re a great role model for all the other kids..
Maria: [ happy ] I love all my friends here at the Fun Friend Club! Louise, and Katir, and Jao Ping..
Director: Jao Ping.. I know, I know you do, Maria, it’s great.. it’s just that, uh.. you’ve had a real growth spurt in the last year now.. As we grow older, you know, girls become women, their.. their bodies change, well, uh..
Maria: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Dave: Larry, can we hurry up and shoot the next song?! I want to get home for the Clippers game, huh!
Director: Sure, Dave. Everybody! Places for the Jumpie Dance! Come on in!
[ everyone falls into place on the set; Maria is front and center, the size of her breasts well-distinguished alongside the smaller kids ]
Director: [ grabs Maria ] You know, I’m gonna switch you with Jao Ping, okay? Is that good? [ puts Maria in the back row, where her breasts seem less noticeable ] Action!
[ cameras roll ]
Smiley the Dragon: Hey, everybody, I’ve got a case of the giggles! Hee hee hee hee hee-ee-ee!!
Kids: [ singing ] “Jiggly! Wiggly! Makes me get all giggly!
It’s the Jiggly Wiggly Jumpy Dance! If you’re feeling happy, shake your pants!”
[ Maria bounces front and center, her breasts bopping in every direction ]
“Clap your hands, and touch the ground Arch your back, and jump up.. and.. down!”
[ Director runs into the scene waving his arms frantically ]
Director: Cut the song! Cut the song!
Dave: It’s like “Girls Gone Wild” over here!! You gotta do something about those things!!
Director: Okay, okay.. thank you, Dave, thank you. Could somebody get Dave a cigarette, or something. Maria..
Maria: Did I mess up my choreography, Mr. Van Peebles?
Director: No, no, no.. you didn’t, Maria.. it’s just, uh.. has your mom talked to you about, uh.. becoming a woman, at all?
Maria: No.
Director: Yeah.. well, did you give her the note I sent you home?
Maria: [ excited ] Yeah! She bought me a deodorant stick!
Director: That’s a start, I guess. Uh.. Maria, I don’t know how to say this.. The Fun Friend Club is a club for children..
Maria: [ laughs ] And one very ridiculous dragon!
Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. one ridiculous dragon.. Uh.. but, soon, you won’t even want to be on the show. You’ll want to be talking on the phone with boys, and go to the mall with your friends, be hanging out with them..
[ Dave re-enters ]
Dave: And shave your legs!
Maria: No way! I want to stay here in Giggle Gulch forever!
Dave: Oh, hey! I wanted to stay on “General Hospital” forever! But jobs end! That’s the business, kid!
Director: Dave! Will you let me handle this, will you?
Maria: Hey, Mr. Van Peebles! The whole crew’s waiting! Shouldn’t we get back to work?
Director: Okay, okay.. let’s do the “What Do You See?” song, okay? [ the kids re-enter the scene ] Uh.. places.. the “What Do You See?” song. [ Dave doesn’t have his Smiley head on yet ] Put the dragon head on? Okay, everyone ready? Annnnnnnd.. speak!
[ the scene begins ]
Smily the Dragon: Heeeeeeey, special friends! Let’s play “What Do You See?”!
Kids: Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
[ little girl steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Girl: I see a bird!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Girl flaps her arms like a bird, then steps off ]
[ little boy steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Little Boy: I see a river!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it to me.”
[ Little Boy motions his arms like a river, then steps off ]
[ Maria steps up ]
Smily the Dragon: “Hey, hey, what do you see?”
Maria: I see balloons!
Smily the Dragon: “Show it-“ [ angered now more than ever ] Cut! Cut! Cut! CUT!! I can’t DO this any more, Marty! This is DISTURBING!!
Director: [ running in ] Dave, I’m sorry.. I know, okay..
Dave: This is very upsetting!!
Director: I’m working on it, Dave! [ offscreen ] Can someone get Dave a martini, or something? Maria? Take the rest of the day off, okay? How about that?
Maria: [ worried ] Is it because I spilled juice on the Craft Services table?
Dave: It’s your JUGS!! You came back from hiatus with JUGS!!
Director: Dave, I Will HANDLE this!!
Dave: Well, then HANDLE it!!
Director: Oh, thank you! Maria? What Smiley was trying to say is, uh.. [ struggling to be gentle, but failing ] ..we want you.. to be.. the Show Captain! And, uh.. oyu get to wear my, my special Fun Friend jacket, on the show, and you’ll be the Show Captain!
Maria: Ooh..
Director: Yeah! In fact, just zip it up there, and keep it zipped up by all means, okay? For the whole show. Is that cool?
Maria: [ excited ] Yay! I’m the Captain! I get to stay here, with all my special friends!
Director: Yeah!
Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Dave: Larry! Larry! What the hell are you doing, why didn’t you fire her?!
Director: [ sighs ] I didn’t have the heart, Dave.
Dave: Well, it’s only gonna get worse! I think Jao Ping’s voice is changing!
Director: What?
[ Jao Ping steps up ]
Jao Ping: [ in deep masculine voice ] Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom?
Hannibal Paul Krendler (Liotta) and Hannibal Lecter (Darrell Hammond) market brain dishes. Recurring Characters: Hannibal Lecter.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) wants to run for President in 2004. Tracy Morgan shares his views on affirmative action. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.
The Donnas perform “Take It Off”
The Hangman Hangman (Liotta) will let doomed (Will Forte) go for sex with Grandma (Rachel Dratch).
Top O’ The Morning To You Video game addict (Liotta) joins the boys for a chorus. Recurring Characters: William Fitzpatrick, Patrick Fitzwilliams.
The Donnas perform “Who Invited You”
The Rialto Grande Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) and Little Tommy Wallace (Liotta) yuk it up in Las Vegas.
…..Tina Fey …..Jimmy Fallon Briggitte Boisselier…..Amy Poehler Rael…..Chris Kattan Baby Eve…..Rachel Dratch Michael Sanders…..Will Forte Gay Hollywod Hitler…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus package this week. It was reported that, if the new plan passes, the President himself would save $44,000 in taxes; Dick Cheney would save $327,000; and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King, and pick up job applications.
On Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman will announce his campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination, while speaking at his old high school. To recreate the feel of his old high school days, Sen. Lieberman will make the announcement from inside a locker.
U.N. officials still have found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. President Bush still contends the best way to find where the weapons are hidden in Iraq, is to watch where they run when we attack them.
The February issue of Playboy Magazine features a nude pictorial of Allison Eastwood, daughter of actor Clint Eastwood. Early word on the pictures? Dirty.. Hairy.
Tina Fey: Yay! Last Saturday, Clone-Aid, a group that believes life on Earth was created by aliens, claimed that they had cloned the first human baby. Here to defend that claim is Clone-Aid President Briggitte Boisselier, and the founder of the Raelian cult, a man known as Rael.
Rael: Thank you, Tina.
Tina Fey: You’re welcome. Now, your group claims to have the first successfully-cloned baby.
Briggitte Boisselier: That’s right, Tina. And she’s just adorable. Her name is Eve.
[ they begin to laugh maniacally ]
Tina Fey: So, where is the baby now?
Briggitte Boisselier: Our new home – the planet Earth.
Rael: And Earth wasn’t always our home, Tina.
Briggitte Boisselier: No. We are descended from the Aryan race, sent here 25,000 years ago, and now we have created a new life.
Tina Fey: You two are a couple of old-fashioned nutbirds, I’ll tell you that! Now, where is the baby?
Rael: Well, actually, Tina, she is right here. And we’ve chosen tonight to introduce her to the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s first cloned human – Baby Eve!
[ Baby Eve steps forward – she is the former love child of Angelina Jolie and her brother ]
Briggitte Boisselier: Oh, there we go!
Rael: We are still working on a few of the kinks! Say hi! Say hi to America, honey!
Baby Eve: [ makes gurgling noise ]
Briggitte Boisselier: Isn’t she adorable?
Tina Fey: Are you sure this was successful?
Rael: Uh, well.. we’re on TV, aren’t we, Tina!
Tina Fey: The crazy clone people, ladies and gentleman!
A Chinese man is suing a movie theater, because the film he came to see started four minutes late. In a related story, moviegoers sued the makers of the film “Kangaroo Jack” because the film started.
Luciano Pavaratti has split with his long time manager and publicist, Herbert Breslin, after 36 years. Said Pavaratti, “We had just grown apart, with regards to our views concerning the future of classical music, and.. okay.. I ate him!”
Jimmy Fallon: Many psychologists are saying that there is a new crisis of infidelity breeding in the workplace, with people not having sexual affairs, but emotional affairs with their married co-workers.
Tina Fey: [ building the tension ] Do you believe that, Jimmy?
Jimmy Fallon: Do you want me to believe that, Tina?
Tina Fey: [ wantonly ] With every fiber of my being.
Jimmy Fallon: I know you do.
Tina Fey: I knew you’d know.
Jimmy Fallon: I do know.
[ they turn to face one another for a kiss, then quickly turn away ]
Tina Fey: [ sighs ] In other news..
Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy say that, when they first met, they got into a big fight, and that they eventually made up and started dating. I don’t know what the fight was about, but I’m guessing politics or science.
Star Jones was rushed to the hospital on Christmas Day, after suffering from altitude sickness. Lets just hope that, during future holidays, Star learns not to pile the ham so high that it becomes dangerous.
Jimmy Fallon: Due to a Sanitation Department union dispute, curbside collection of Christmas trees in New York City has stopped, filling the city’s sidewalks with discarded trees. [ takes microphone, as Tina holds up a prop brick wall ] Seriously, New York City hasnt seen this much public wood since the last time Brad Pitt walked through Greenwich Village.
Tina Fey: I helped on that one!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, thank you.
According to the current issue of Blender magazine, it took 11 people to write the Jennifer Lopez hit song “Jenny From The Block” – and another 12 to get the computer to play it right.
Tina Fey: Ha ha! They’re gonna be mad at you at the Grammy’s! Oh, yeah, how about this: Jimmy Fallon was nominated for a Grammy this week, for his album!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
Jimmy Fallon: It’s great just to be nominated. I’m not gonna win, I’m up against, like, Robin Williams and George Carlin, it’s just an honor just to be nominated. Just, let’s do some jokes!
Tina Fey: [ laughs ] Okay! Alright. [ starts next joke ] President Bush, this week, announced that he is no longer..
[ camera cuts to Jimmy, who begins to think reflectively to himself ]
Jimmy Fallon: It does feel good just to be nominated. What if I do win? It’s possible. I mean, those guys have all been around for a while – I’m new, I’m fresh! They’ll cancel each other out, like Robin Williams needs a Grammy.. yeah, right.. please! Hey, guess who’s not nominated – Tina Fey! [ laughs ] Who’s the smart one now, Tina? Did you hear the sarcastic way she said that: [ in Tina voice ] “Jimmy Fallon is nominated..” Yeah, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do when I win that Grammy – I’m gonna use it to smash those damn glasses she has on. She acts like she invented glasses. Geuss what, Tina – you didn’t invent glasses! I’ll get the research department to find out who did invent glasses, and then burn her with it next week!
Oh, I’ll tell you who else is gonna be pissed off when I win, oh yeah! Mikey Sanders, my old high school archeneny – that ass! He used to tell me that my party-mix tapes were lame – suck it, Mikey Sanders, I have a Grammy! It’s a done.. a-deal! [ laughing ] Revenge is a dish best served cold with a side of Grammy! I hope he’s watching – that is, if he got the night off from the gas station! [ laughs ] Fallon! You are on fire tonight! Save it.. save it, buddy.. save it for Grammy Night!
[ cut to Michael Sanders in the audience, also thinking reflectively to himself ]
Michael Sanders: I can’t believe I’m here! “Saturday Night Live”! This place is a legend. I wonder if Jimmy will recognize me, his old buddy Mikey Sanders. Of course, I go by Michael Sanders, now that I’ve got that job as Head of the Grammy Committee. I feel bad. I didn’t even listen to Jimmy’s album. But if it’s anything like those party-mix tapes he used to make, I know it sucks. Who puts “Ghostbusters” on twice – in a row? Jerk!
[ cut back to Jimmy Fallon at the Update desk, still thinking reflectively to himself ]
Jimmy Fallon: Know who else I’m gonna call when I win? Ghostbusters! [ laughs ] That one always works! Lemme tell ya something: [ singing ] “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” Again, save it, Fallon, it’s gold! It’s Grammy gold! [ sighs ] Geez, when’s Tina gonna be done with this joke?
Tina Fey: [ finally finishing joke ] ..Contraceptive SpongeBob Squarepants.
Boy, that was a long joke. Back to you, Jimmy.
A man in Sweden is suing the government after a golden eagle swooped down, snatched his dachshund and flew away. Once out of the earshot of the dog’s owner, witnesses admitted it was the coolest thing they’d ever seen.
HBO announced Tuesday that the upcoming season of “Sex And The City” will be the last. HBO executives said that the girls have simply run out of holes.
Tina Fey: Also, HBO has announced plans to air “The Pink Fuhrer”, a documentary based on a book which theorizes that Adolph Hitler was gay.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man, I hope this doesn’t mean Gay Hitler has gone Hollywood on us.
[ Gay Hollywood Hitler enters set ]
Gay Hollywood Hitler: Guttentag, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hitler, what are you doing?
Gay Hollywood Hitler: I’m waiting to hear if I got a guest shot on.. “Curb Your Enthusiasm”! But Larry David hates me because I’m gay!
Tina Fey: He doesn’t hate you because you’re gay! He hates you because you’re Hitler!
Gay Hollywood Hitler: Anyway, I gotta run. I’m having sushi with Lenny – auf weidersein, cuevos! [ exits ]
Jimmy Fallon: Gay Hollywood Hitler, everyone.
Tina Fey: Gay Hollywood Hitler.
In India, a man had his penis reattached after the angry husband of his lover chopped it off with a sword, and then put it in his pocket. After it happened, the man said to his attacker, “Is that my penis in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?”
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Jordan Black…..Dean Edwards Suzanne…..Rachel Dratch Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards Waiter…..Jeff Gordon
Announcer: An ordinary person goes on a date with a star.. on “Star Dates”.
Jordan Black: Hi! I’m Jordan Black, and this is “Star Dates”. The show where we set up ordinary people on dates with a star. [ knocks on Suzanne’s door ]
Suzanne: Oh, my God! [ giggles ]
Jordan Black: Suzanne, are you ready to meet your.. Star Date?
Suzanne: Yeah! I’m so ready! [ giggles ]
[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]
Suzanne: At first, I was nervous because.. I’m not a big dater. The two reasons I don’t date that much is, that 1: I don’t have the time. Duh! I work at Fashion Bug! And, 2: I don’t really have the desire/opportunity.
[ cut back to Jordan with Suzanne ]
Jordan Black: [ shows picture ] What do you think?
Suzanne: [ looking ] Oh.. um.. Nick Nolte?
Jordan Black: No. Congratulations. Gary Busey.
Suzanne: Oh, yeah.. the motorcycle crash guy.
[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]
Suzanne: At first, I thought he was famous in a Kato Kaelin kind of way.. but.. then I found out that he’d actually been in some movies.
[ cut to Jordan and Suzanne at the restaurant where she’ll have her date with Gary Busey ]
Jordan: Ah, there he is! Gary.. this is Suzanne.
[ Gary Busey comes stumbling in, carrying a giant candy cane ]
Gary Busey: Hey there, Baby Lady? I brought you some candy! A big candy cane filled with other, smaller candy canes! Blew my mind! [ sniffs ]
Suzanne: Oh.. um.. thank you! [ giggles, as Gary bends over to smother her with kisses and grunts ]
[ cut to Gary Busey in private interview ]
Gary Busey: Uh.. I was a little confused, because, uh.. I thought I was the one who’s gonna be goin’ out with a celebrity, and, uh.. I didn’t know her from Adam’s housecat! [ sniffs ]
[ cut to Suzanne and Gary Busey on their date ]
Suzanne: So, um.. uh.. what-what movies have you been in?
Gary Busey: Have you seen “Gangs of New York”?
Suzanne: Yeah!
Gary Busey: Well, I was at the 10:40 show of that last night. I was the one that they threw out for whistling too hard and chewin’ on the seat covers!
Suzanne: Oh..
Gary Busey: Lemme tell you a story. [sniffs ] I was on an Indian reserve outside of Needles, Nevada, having an Indian named Jojo Stormcloud carve a walking stick out of a likeness of my head.. and there was this Indian-American woman over there, who was nursin’ a baby, so I just.. reached out and grabbed her one free teeter. [ sniffs ]
[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]
Suzanne: I thought I’d be nervous because he was a star.. but, I was actually nervous because he invaded my personal space.. and his breath smelled like gasoline.
[ cut to Gary Busey in private interview ]
Gary Busey: She was bright.. sensitive.. and, uh.. lacked the physical strength to remove my mitt from her pooper!
[ cut back to Suzanne and Gary Busey on their date ]
Suzanne: Uh.. um.. I was actually born in South Dakota, but, uh.. then we moved.. to- ..is something burning?
Gary Busey: I set a pack of Sweet ‘N Low on fire. [ sniffs ]
[ waiter steps forward ]
Waiter: Good evening. My name is Jeffrey. May I interest you two in our antipasto tray?
Gary Busey: Listen, uh.. do you have any catfish?
Waiter: No.
Gary Busey: [ turns to Suzanne ] Speaking of catfish, a funny story: I was in High Point, North Carolina, and me and my friend Chet were burning tires and cannin’ stuff, and, all of a sudden, I saw the face of that British guy, from “The Jeffersons”.. on a catfish head. [ pounds table ] And I’ll be damned if he wasn’t Chinese!
Waiter: Uh.. well.. have you decided on your entree?
Gary Busey: Uhh.. my fiancee here would like your mesquite-roasted pig and some hominy.. for me, I’d like one of those little lady salads.. with tiny little pieces of square toast that are sometimes spiced with garlic, and sometimes not!
Waiter: Um.. sir.. we don’t offer roasted pig.
Gary Busey: Well, then, uh.. just give me two, uh.. catfish – sans Jefferson style.
Waiter: Um.. I already told you we don’t have catfish.
Gary Busey: Hey, Irene! Are you giving me the fast eye?!
Waiter: No, Mr. Busey!
Gary Busey: I’ll tell you what, son! I will tie a knot in your ass, diablo-style, if you get in my way! You understand me, son?! Do you get me?! do you get my drift?! Do you?!
Waiter: I do! [ wrestles Gary Busey to the ground and beats him up ]
[ Gary separates himself from the rumble and stands ]
Gary Busey: I was in the parking lot of a Frito Lay factory outside of Denton, Texas, when, suddenly, these aliens came down. and the weird thing about these aliens was, all their fingers lit up – except for the E.T. finger. That one was black as night. And I told ’em, I said, “Look, you sonofagun-“
[ Waiter wrestles Gary Busey to the ground again ]
[ cut to Suzanne in private interview ]
Suzanne: Um.. nothing he said made sense.. he was really rude, and.. his teeth looked and sounded like vertical blinds.. But.. [ considering ] ..yeah.. I’d.. I’d go out with him again!
V/O: Coming up next, on “Star Dates”..
[ cut to Gary Busey waving flaming shish-kabobs ]
Gary Busey: Hey! Little tiny lady baby! Come back!
Waiter: [ douses Gary with a fire extinguisher ] Can I show you the dessert menu? Or how about I just give you the check?
Gary Busey: [ shaking it off ] I was on a wet and wild waterslide with Emmanuel Lewis, and we was sword fighting over a piece of pizza..
Pat O’Brien: [ speaking nasally ] Welcome back, I’m Pat O’Brien. I don’t breathe through my nose – ever. Tonight on “Access Hollywood”: wait’ll you see what Leo DiCaprio’s doing – he’s on waterskis! But, first, “Lady Drinks The Booze”. Diana Ross, outside of Blockbuster, got blockbusted by the cops. Ain’t Diana high enough? Apparently not. “Access Hollywood” has the exclusive.
[ dissolve to exterior, Blockbuster ]
Cop #1: Uh.. Miss Ross?
Diana Ross: Here I am!
Cop #1: Excuse me, Miss Ross. Is that your car?
Diana Ross: Of course, that’s my car! Do you think just anyone drives a Suburu Outback?
Cop #2: Where are you headed tonight?
Diana Ross: To Can-yon Ranch! Me and a couple of my closest friends are having a girl’s spa weekend – Tootie from “Facts Of Life”, Stephanie Mills, Tootie my assistant, and, of course, my toy poodle Tootie. I never thought of it before today, but there are three Tooties in my life, I am so blessed!
Cop #2: Miss Ross, we’re gonna have to ask you to take a sobriety test.
Diana Ross: Hey, if I were drunk, would I be able to do this? [ drops her fur coat and raies her arms in the air, as she’s engulfed in a mysterious spotlight ] Hello, Tucson! [ bows ]
Cop #1: Miss Ross, I’m gonna need you to write the, uh.. I’m gonna need you to write the alphabet on a piece of paper.
Diana Ross: Gimme a pen! Miss Ross needs a pen! [ jots onto the page ] Doo-doo doo doo doo, doo doo! There you go!
Cop #1: [ reading ] “To Dabney Coleman: We’ll always have Aspen. With love: Diana Rose.”
Diana Ross: If that ends up on eBay, I’ll rip your ass out!
Cop #2: Miss Ross? Can you try touching your nose for us?
Diana Ross: I can do more than that! [ stands on a bench and sings a drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ]
Cop #2: You know what? Just touch the nose, please.
Diana Ross: Oh, uh.. okay.. tough crowd! [ falls to the ground, losing her wig in the process ]
Cop #2: [ holding onto the wig ] What.. should I do with this..?
Cop #1: Cuff it.. and read it its rights..?
Diana Ross: [ stands back up ] Now, I have a test.. for the both of you! How many Diana Rosses do you see?
Cops: [ both sigh ] One.
Diana Ross: That’s right! There is only one! The one and only Miss Ross! And that’s me! [ breaks back into her drunken version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” ] Hey, can’t your hands off me! Uh-oh! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!
Cop #1: Okay. Miss Ross, we’re gonna need you to come with us, okay?
Diana Ross: You sure you don’t want to hear another one? “Wooly Bully”? No?
[ dissolve back to Pat O’Brien ]
Pat O’Brien: Coming up next on “Access Hollywood”: Ben and J. Lo no go? So-so? Let’s keep it on the downlow. Don’t be fooled with the rocks that I’ve got. I’m still Pat O’Brien from the block. We’ll be right back.
Charlie Rose…..Jeff Richards Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: From our studios in New York City.. this is Charlie Rose.
Charlie Rose: Welcome to the broadcast. Tonight, a visit with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Charlie.
Charlie Rose: Rumsfeld began his work in the White House, during the Nixon administration. He continued to serve under Presidents Ford and Reagan. It was under Reagan that Rumsfeld traveled to Iraq, where, ironically, he met with Saddam Hussein.
Donald Rumsfeld: Well, that deserves a.. little explanation.
Charlie Rose: From 1982 to 1983, Rumsfeld served as special presidential envoy, on the Law of the Sea Treaty.
Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, Charlie..
Charlie Rose: From 1989 to 1991, Rumsfeld served..
Donald Rumsfeld: Stop introducing me.
Charlie Rose: ..as a member of the U.S. Commissions on Japan relations. Later, he served as..
Donald Rumsfeld: Stop introducing me, Charlie!
Charlie Rose: ..Chairman and CEO of General Instrument Corporation. From 1999 to 2000..
Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I think people know who I am!
Charlie Rose: ..he was a member of the U.S. Trade Deficit Review Commission – Secretarey Rumsfeld.. welcome!
Donald Rumsfeld: Finally, you’re done.
Charlie Rose: One of the things that people say about you..
Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, you’re not done-
Charlie Rose: ..and I think you know this.. they say, “Donald Rumsfeld, here he is, he served under Bush, Sr., and..
Donald Rumsfeld: There is-
Charlie Rose: I mean, here you are. Give me a sense of how you.. [ looking for the words ]
Donald Rumsfeld: You know, Charlie.. Charlie, I’m disinclined-
Charlie Rose: Because you have to know what people say! You know? They say you had a cerain sense of.. of secrecy, a desire for secrecy, restrictions we hear about you..
Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, let me answer the question-
Charlie Rose: ..you were in the military, which, well.. now going back to your days as Chief of Staff..
Donald Rumsfeld: Will you let me answer?!
Charlie Rose: ..in the Ford administration, and..
Donald Rumsfeld: ..I guess not.
Charlie Rose: [ stops talking ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Oh. Is that it? [ pause ] Okay. [ clears throat ] First off, Charlie, I wasn’ty actually Chief of Staff under President Ford. I think you probably know that was Dick Cheney.
Charlie Rose: Right! Sure, but.. later, when you were Minority Whip, and then, Secretary of Defense under George Bush, Sr..
Donald Rumsfeld: Again, that was Cheney.
Charlie Rose: ..of course, you had the first of your heart attacks..
Donald Rumsfeld: A man named Cheney!
Charlie Rose: ..CEO of Halliburton..
Donald Rumsfeld: Cheney!
Charlie Rose: And that thing where you dressed in women’s clothing, and bit her on the back, and they had to suspend your whole announcing career.
Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, the thing with biting the woman was not me. you must know this – that was Marv Albert.
Charlie Rose: Fair enough. And did you care about these.. missing burglars.. and little french fry friends?
Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I might be mistaken here, but I believe, now, you’re talking about the Hamburgler.
Charlie Rose: Point taken. But.. Iraq.. the war..?
Donald Rumsfeld: Charlie, I think you just spent ten minutes asking me a question, but I have no idea what it is.
Charlie Rose: I’m sorry, we’re out of time. We’ll be back tomorrow night with Sen. Richard Luger, and the cast of the Broadway show “Hairspray”. Until then.. questions remain about war, and whether or not there’s a double standard..
Donald Rumsfeld: I thought you said we were out of time?
Charlie Rose: ..on one hand, and hopefully on the other..
Donald Rumsfeld: You’re still talking!
Charlie Rose: ..By the way, have you seen “Hairspray”?
Donald Rumsfeld: [ sighs ] I’ve seen the movie, not the play.
Charlie Rose: This thing is fantastic, you gotta see it!
[ Rumsfeld stands and exits studio ]
Charlie Rose: Where you going? If you’re going, you can still catch it! Sen. Donald Rumsfeld was our guest, discussing the conflict in Iraq, as well as the..
…..Jeff Gordon Harvey Winestock…..Chris Parnell Judith Winestock…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Gordon!
Jeff Gordon: [walks out onto the stage] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Awesome…awesome!
[audience cheers]
You know, ordinarily when I work, I’m wearing a fire retardant suit, going 200 mph in a tin can filled with explosive liquids. Every time I get in the car, there’s a chance I could crash and burn in front of millions of people. So I guess I am prepared for this show. [audience laughs]
[a man and woman wearing NASCAR jackets start shouting]
Woman: We love you Jeff!
Man: JG! Tony Stewart sucks!
Woman: No, Rusty Wallace sucks!
Jeff Gordon: Hey, alright! It’s nice to see some NASCAR fans.
Woman: Drop the hammer Jeff!
Man: Yeah Jeff open it up, dawg!
Woman: Floor it! Floor it!
Jeff Gordon: At least you’re enthusiastic, I’ll give you that. Hey, thanks for showing up. And you know sometimes when I’m down at the track…
Woman: [interrupting] Point suspension independent, rack and pinion steering, wheels 16 inches, Goodyear Eagle speedway radials 28 x 12 x 50.
Man: She’s memorized your car’s chassis specs. Who needs a GED, right?
[audience laughs and cheers]
Jeff Gordon: Great, great, great. Uh, anyway sometimes before a race, you know…
Woman: [interrupting] Jeff, this is the smallest track I’ve ever seen.
Jeff Gordon: You’re joking, right? This is a television show. There’s no track, no cars.
Woman: Hey Jeff, where’s your car at?
Jeff Gordon: No, no car. Just comedy.
Man: Comedy real fast and in a circle.
[audience laughs]
Jeff Gordon: You know what? You can’t possibly go to a NASCAR event and act like that. No way.
Man: How do you know?
Jeff Gordon: Because a real NASCAR fan would have killed you by now.
Man: Hey!
Jeff Gordon: Come on, man. Alright, tell me your names.
Man & Woman: Bubba?
Jeff Gordon: Aww come on!
Woman: Ellie Jean…
Man: Bucky Joe…
Woman: Sandy May…
Man: Jimmy Joe…Johnny Joe…
Jeff Gordon: Alright, who are you guys really?
Man: Okay okay, Mr. Gordon. We’re not really Bubba and Bucky Joe, Jr.Woman: We’re Harvey and Judith Winestock and we’re from right here in Manhattan. We’ve waited for four years for tickets to “Saturday Night Live” and when we found out you were the host, we wanted to make the best of it.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Harvey: And the thing is, well, we’ve really come to love NASCAR. Every Sunday we listen to NPR, do the New York Times crossword puzzle, and then hunker down for three solid hours of gritty NASCAR fun.
Judith: I think the only thing I like better than doing the crossword puzzle is actually finishing it, and then watching NASCAR.
Harvey: We’ve never been to an actual NASCAR event. We thought that this behavior was appropriate but obviously it wasn’t and for that we’re very sorry.
Jeff Gordon: Hey that’s alright. Tell you what, my next race you guys come down and I’ll let you sit in my pit.
Harvey: Really?
Judith: [pulls down jacket to reveal a drawing of Jeff on her chest] We love you Jeff Gordon!
Jeff Gordon: Wait a minute! You gotta remember if you act like that, you’re roadkill.
Harvey: Oh right…
Judith: Sorry…
Jeff Gordon: Alright, hey we’ve got a great show. Avril Lavigne is here! [audience cheers] Stick around and we’ll be right back!
Kim Jong Il…..Horatio Sanz Translator’s Voice…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on graphic of “Saturday Night Live” bumper ]
Don Pardo V/O: “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you the following live address from North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.
[ dissolve to Kim Jong Il sitting at desk ]
Kim Jong Il: [ speaks in Korean, as a translator’s voice speaks over him ]
Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Recent provocative and hooliganistic statements by the cowboy government of the United States have villianously slandered our nation, and threatened the joyful happiness of the Korean people. The North Korean people will contemptuously reject these accusantions, and continue to support our wise policy of cheating on all international agreements, then indignantly denying this when we are caught.
So let me warn the gun-slinging bucaneer George Bush and his henchmen, Jimmy Carter and Wolf Blitzer, I am not some petty chieftain to be easily intimidated. I am extremely unstable and highly irrational, and, for your information, quite completely insane. At age three, I was diagnosed as psychotic, sociopathic, and suffered from both Manic Depression and Acute Pediatric Schizophrenia. I was a chronic bed-wetter. Not only my own, but the beds of others. As a consequence, I developed Anxiety Disorder, Disassociative Disorder, and general dysphoria. In addition, I am delusional. I have difficulty distinguishing reality from my fantasy world. When I was first informed of the aggressive actions of the United States, my first response was violent anger. Then a lengthy crying jag, followed by sudden deep sleep for about two days. Then several hours of frantic masturbation, punctuated by more crying jags. Afterwards, I burned my thighs with matches.
And now, let’s take a look at what’s new this week on DVD. “Sweet Home Alabama”, starring Reese Witherspoon. As formulaic romantic comedies go, “Sweet Home Alabama” is inoffensive, and, I’ll say it, charming. Witherspoon finds genuine emotion hidden under a blandly familiar plot, and Id like to kidnap her and sodomize her. Three-and-a-half stars. And now, back to my angry tirade.
Anorexia Nervosa, Agorophobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. To control these psychiatric conditions, I have been placed on a variety of medications, including Lithium, Buspar, Prozac, Celexa, Atrivan, Zoloft. Zyprexa, Thorazine, Ritalin, Methotrimaprizine, and Welbutrin. I do, however, refuse to take them, because my paranoid psychosis leads me to believe that my doctors are actually secret robot assassins. So, let your President Bush understand jingoistic threats against me will be counterproductive. In addition to other mental disorders, I suffer from Agnosia – a condition that renders me unable to distinguish one object from another. If placed under emotional stress, I could easily sell enriched plutonium to Al Quaeda, thinking it was a box of Wheat Thins. I am no Saddam Hussein. I am Kim Jong Il, the great leader of the Korean people. Except, sometimes I am Mae Mae, a virginal schoolgirl. And sometimes I am Sung, a sexually flamboyant bon vivant, who somehow knows Italian. And sometimes I am former New York Islanders goalie John Vambiesbrouke.
So, in summation, I want America to cease disseminating its impolite degenerate propaganda to the pure-hearted peace-loving Korean people. I recommend “Sweet Home Alabama”. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
