Joe…..Chris Parnell Woman…..Maya Rudolph Second Woman…..Amy Poehler
[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]
[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]
Announcer: Meet Joe. He’s a construction worker from New Jersey, who makes $19,000 a year. He’s young, handsome, and not a convicted rapist. At least, that’s what these ladies think. [ Joe turns around and winks at the camera ] Wink!
[ dissolve to one of the women ]
Woman: This is a dream come true!
[ dissolve to Joe standing behind a second woman, eyeing her with sadistic intent ]
Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:
[ SUPER: “Joe Convicted Serial Rapist” ]
Announcer: Joe.. is a convicted rapist!
[ dissolve to close-up of Joe’s face as he hovers behind second woman ]
[ pot up music: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” ]
[ dissolve to title graphic ]
Announcer: “Joe Not-A-Rapist”. From your friends at FOX.
Gena…..Maya Rudolph Roger…..Jeff Gordon Woman 2…..Amy Poehler Man 2…..Seth Meyers Repairman 1…..Horatio Sanz Repairman 2…..Jimmy Fallon Mr. Daly…..Fred Armisen Doctor…..Will Forte
[two couples are in a home. One couple is seated on a couch on the left. One man is in front of an aquarium and the other woman is sitting on a couch on the right]
Gena: Thanks for inviting us over. You have a really beautiful house.
Roger: Oh sorry I’m tied up over here.
Woman 2: Oh yeah the aquarium broke down right before you guys came over. We have some repairmen comming over [doorbell rings] That must be them. [she gets up and answers the door. Two repairmen enter] Oh I’m so glad you guys are here.
Repairman 2: Don’t worry ma’am, you’re in good hands.
Repairman 1: Where’s the tank?
Roger: It’s over here guys.
Repairman 2: Whoa! Whoa! What are these? Piranhas?
Roger: No, they’re goldfish.
Repairman 1: Whoa! Sorry Mr. Fish Expert! We’ve got a real Jacques Cousteau over here!
Roger: Well, no I’m not an expert but I do like fish.
Repairman 2: Say no more, my friend and we’ll be outta your way in two seconds over here.
[Roger sits down on the couch beside Woman 2]
Woman 2: Roger, you have to look at these pictures. They are gorgeous! Gena took them on her vacation.
Repairman 2: Hey Bobby, what? Have we got Annie Liebowitz over here?
Repairman 1: We’ve got a freaking Kodak moment up in here!
Gena: Um, excuse me?
Repairman 2: I’m just saying is sounds like you take a lot of photos like Annie Liebowitz or uh, Peter Parker, if you will.
Gena: No, I just happened to take some pictures while I was in Hawaii.
Both Repairmen: Yabo! Hawaii!
Repairman 1: We’ve got a freakin’ Don Ho over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got a “how would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?” over here!
Repairman 1: We’ve got a “pure cane sugar, that’s the one” over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got “book em’ Dano” over here!
Repairman 1: We’ve got kung fu es chin ho over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got… [both do the theme to Hawaii Five-O while making paddling motions]
Both Repairmen: …… over here!
Roger: Hey you guys, how’s the tank coming?
Repairman 2: It’s fine. I think we’ve got the right size filter out in the van.
Roger: Alright, great because we’re just about to have dinner here.
Repairman 1: We’ve got a frickin’ Chef Boyardee over here!
Repairman 2: [mimicing a DJ scratching a record] Whickety, whick, whick, whick, whick…where’s your white hat, Bobby Flair over here!
Repairman 1: Oh, we’ve got a regular “can you smell what The Rock is cooking” over here!
Repairman 2: It’s like a regular uh, that guy who says bam?
Repairman 1: Bam? I don’t know…
Man 2: Emeril Lagasse!
Both Tepairmen: ….over here!
Roger: [to Man 2] Don’t help them! [to the repairmen] Alright guys, listen, just fix the tank. If you can’t, just leave because my friends and I are just trying to have a good time.
Repairman 1: We’ve got a Jimmie “J.J” Walker over here!
Repairman 2: Temporary layoffs over here.
Woman 2: Stop it! Stop it, the both of you. You’re acting like children.
Repairman 2: Who’s this now, over here? Dr. Benjamin Spock?
Woman 2: Give me a break…
Repairman 1: Give me a break? We’ve got a frickin’ Nell Carter over here!
Repairman 2: Yeah, you’re looking a little like Nell Carter over here. Looks a little like Joe Theisman over here…
Both Repairmen: [singing] Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat over here!
Repairman 2: We’ve got a…I’m kinda tapped out now.
Repairman 2: “Hey you guys?” What is this? The Electric Company over here?
Roger: No, I just…
Both Repairmen: [interupting] No eye?!
Repairman 1: What are you? Sammy Davis Jr. over here?
Roger: No I just…
Repairman 2: [singing] Aye, aye, aye, aye, over here…
Repairman 1: [singing] Cantae no yorres over here!
Roger: [standing up] No guys I just…Oh my God, the fish! You’ve killed the fish! All your wisecracks….you killed the fish!
[both repairmen run for the door, knocking picture albums in the floor on the way out]
Woman 2: My family pictures!
[fade to Dr. Sherwood’s psychiatry office]
Mr. Daly: Okay guys, you know why you’re here. You were fired from your last job because you compulsively made wisecracks to the degree that you killed an entire tank of fish. To understand this problem we’ll have to do a few tests. I’m going to say a sentence and you just say the first thing that comes into your head, okay?
Repairman 2: Got a Lorraine Bracco over here….
Mr. Daly: I like movies.
Repairman 2: We’ve got a freakin’ Freakle Furrini over here…
Mr. Daly: I like water.
Repairman 2: We’ve got a frickin’ Hydrogen molecule joined with two oxygen molecules over here…
Mr. Daly: Okay guys, that’s very funny but it’s pretty clear to me that you both have some pretty serious compulsions. [writing on a notepad] I’m gonna recommend that we proceed with a course of aggressive shock therapy.
[a doctor opens the door]
Doctor: Oh my God! Mr. Daly, how did you get out of your room?
[Mr. Daly comes out from behind the desk with his pants around his ankles and screaming and starts crawling around at the Doctor’s feet]
Doctor: I’m sorry, this man is very mentally ill.
[fades to an ad for Gary’s Fish Tanks]
Male Voiceover: Don’t let this happen to you! Call Gary’s Fish Tanks, a name you can trust since 1982.
Terrye Funke…..Chris Parnell Rickye Funke…..Jeff Gordon
[the beginning of a tape shows “Passions” being taped over by a personal camcorder in a basement. A man walk in front of the camera]
Terrye: [motioning up with hands] Raise it up a little bit, Rickye. I don’t want my big ole’ thighs to show, ok?
[the camera moves up]
Terrye: We’re just gonna shoot this real loose and fat, just like your’s truly here and then we’ll cut it down in editing…it’s showtime!
[he walks back to a table and turns on a boombox and stands to the side of the camera]
Terrye: [singing while holding up pictures of himself in front of the camera] Sometimes we talk about serious things, sometimes we talk about fun things, sometimes I laugh like a baby and you wanna just spank my rump. Wahh! But one thing’s for sure, the Terrye Funk Hour going to be big hit with Uncle Taberick!
[the music stops and Terrye jumps in front of the camera]
Terrye: And here’s Terrye Funke! Hey! [waves] Hi everybody! Thank you so much for buying this tape for five dollars at my mom’s car port sale. Whew! Have we got a show for you today. Hey, do you like my yorkies? [looking at his shirt] This one’s Zach and this one’s Screech. [singing] Hey hey, they’re the Yorkies! People say they yorkie around…
[audience laughs]
Terrye: Oh I’m already going off-script…this show is cooking with Pam! Well I think it’s time to introduce a gentleman that is the only member of my family that of know of that is not a direct product of incest….just yanking your chains mom!
[Terrye goes back and turn on the boombox again]
Terrye: [looking over his shoulder] He’s my favorite cousin, and my cameraman- Mr. Rickye Funke!
[boombox starts playing and Terrye is singing “Abracadabra”. Rickye walks out in front of the camera and starts dancing. Terrye turns off music]Terrye: [to Rickye] “Oh you are so much…” [to audience] “Clearly Rickye got all the cool that I was supposed to get in our family. Thanks Cabbage Patch!
Rickye: I’m not cool? Say what?! Man, I’m super cool!
Terrye: Tell them where you work, Licky Tricky Rickye.
Rickye: [doing karate kicks and punches] I work at…Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios…in the…Su-per…Wal…Mart!
[Rickye does air guitar]
Terrye: Rickye Funke everybody!” [to Rickye] “Now go back and do the camera…
[Terrye sits down and turns on boombox]
Terrye: Ok, um, it’s time to bring out my next guest, you may know him from the first 2 minutes of my show, my favorite cousin Rickye Funke!
[music starts again with Terrye singing “Abracadabra” again. Rickye comes out from behind the camera pulling colored scarves out of his pants. Terrye turns the music off again]
Terrye: [to Rickye] Oh you are too much! Oh, oh wait…you gotta fix the camera: too much head room, tilt it down.
[Rickye gets up and pushes the camera down]
Terrye: Good.
[Rickye waves his hands in front of Terrye before sitting back down]
Terrye: Oh you! Stop that, this is serious…” [crosses legs] “Ok, Rickye thank you so much for being on the first of what I hope is, God willing, many episodes of The Terrye Funke Hour.
Rickye: Well thanks for having me, Terrye and thanks for letting me do my laundry here this afternoon. The smell of your Mom’s dryer sheets kicks ass! [does machine gun motions]
Terrye: Rickye, you are so charismatic! You work at Ollan Mills Photography Studios…
[Rickye jumps up and does karate kicks and punches again]
Terrye: Now I have a question. How on Earth do you make those babies sit still? Babies make me coo-coo-coo-coodle-doo!
Rickye: Well Terrye, I do a thing called “Where’s the Birdie?”, which I made up.
Terrye: Would you mind giving our audience a demonstration?
[Rickye jumps up and flaps his arms like a bird]
Rickye: Where the birdie? Where’s the birdie? Arck! Arck! Arck!
Terrye: Oh Rickye Funke! You crack my butt sideways! That’s why you’ve got so many girlfriends, you’re always out on the town, whereas Fatboy Not-so-slim over here sits at home everynight watching ‘Dirty Dancing’ with his hand down his p.j’s.
Rickye: Why’d you have to go there, Terrye?
Terrye: Cause nobody else will…
[a buzzer sounds]
Terrye: That sound means the show is over… [puts a tape in boombox]
Rickye: …and my laundry’s dry.
Terrye: Thank you to all my guests, especially Rickye Funke and thank you all for watching the Terrye Funke Hour. I’m Terrye Funk, wishing you sleepover giggles and unicorn dreams!
[turns on boombox and jumps out of sight of camera and as music starts playing, holds up credit cards as music plays. Terrye sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” as Rickye does karate moves in the background]
Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan
Singers: He loves animals And they love him back. Inter-species friends We ain’t kidding, mac! Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]
Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…
Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!
[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]
Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!
[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.
Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.
Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.
Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]
Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.
Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!
Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?
Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure
Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.
Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??
Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.
Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!
Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.
Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.
Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.
Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?
Robert Forgy: No, of course not!
Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?
Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.
Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!
Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.
Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?
Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.
Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.
Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.
Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?
Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.
Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?
Jose Cruz: I sure did!
Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.
Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.
Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?
Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.
Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?
Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.
Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?
Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.
Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!
Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.
Jose Cruz: Whatever.
Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?
Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…
[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]
Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!
[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]
Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!
[snake starts punching her in the head]
Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!
Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.
[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]
Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!
[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]
Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!
Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!
[Jose walks off stage]
Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!
Teacher…..Amy Poehler Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers
[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]
Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.
Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!
Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?
Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?
Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.
Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.
Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.
Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.
Kids: Woww!!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!
Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!
Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..
P.J.: This is so boring!
Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!
Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!
Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]
Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.
Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!
Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]
Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!
Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?
Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]
Teacher: Do you want to show the class?
Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.
Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.
Kids: Woww!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!
Kids: Wowwww!!!!
Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] ..here’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”
Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.
Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!
Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.
Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!
Kids: Yayyyy!!!!
Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..
[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]
Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch!
Jeff Gordon’s Monologue NASCAR wanna-be fans (Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch) act rowdy for Gordon.
Joe Hetero Joe (Seth Meyers) keeps his sexuality hidden from female admirers.
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) think snake has arms hidden behind his back. Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.
Access Hollywood Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) is apprehended for driving under the influence.
Joe Caucasian Joe (Tracy Morgan) keeps his skin color hidden from female admirers.
Career Day Carpet salesman (Seth Meyers) can’t compete with fighter pilot (Gordon).
Star Dates Single woman (Rachel Dratch) paired with rowdy Gary Busey (Jeff Richards) on date.
Joe Not-A-Rapist Joe (Chris Parnell) keeps his sexual cravings hidden from female admirers.
Avril Lavigne performs “I’m With You”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Rael (Chris Kattan) introduces first cloned human Baby Eve (Rachel Dratch). Jimmy Fallon mentally praises himself for Grammy nomination. Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) has gone Hollywood on Jimmy and Tina.
Gary’s Fish Tanks Fish tank repairmen (Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon) kill fish while cracking up.
Charlie Rose Charlie Rose (Jeff Richards) mixes Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) for Cheney.
Joe Dude Joe (Tina Fey) keeps her gender hidden from female admirers.
Avril Lavigne performs “Complicated”
The Terrye Funck Show Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and cameraman cousin (Gordon) in mom’s basement.
Stripper Pole In-house stripper pole can liven up any dull party.
Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler Glen…..Al Gore Oompa Loompas…..Chris Kattan, Fred Armisen, Will Forte
Announcer: We now return to “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, starring Gene Wilder and some midgets.
[ dissolve to Willy Wonka walking an anatomically-correct Charlie Bucket through the factory ]
Charlie Bucket: You mean it, Mr. Wonka? You really mean it?
Willy Wonka: I certainly do, Charlie. I’m giving my entire factory to you!
Charlie Bucket: Woooww!!
Willy Wonka: We just have one more stop to make before everything’s yours.
Charlie Bucket: Really? Where are we going?
Willy Wonka: Actually.. the thing is.. [ singing comically off-key ] “There’s no earthly way of knowing.. which direction we are going! There’s no knowing where we are going! Or which way the wind is BLOW-OW-ING!!” Actually, we’re just going to the ACcounting Department! [ laughs ] We have a lot of paperwork to get through. [ blows flute, causing office door to open ]
[ Willie Wonka and Charlie enter the office, where accountant Glen is checking orders over the phone ]
Glen: We put in an order for what?! 75,000 pounds of.. snozberries? What the hell is a snozberry?
Willy Wonka: Charlie? This is the factory accountant – my borther Glen. Glen Wonka!
Glen: [ on phone ] Listen, I’m gonna have to get back to you. [ hangs up ]
Willy Wonka: Glen? I have someone here I want you to meet. This.. is Charlie.
Glen: William, I told you not to bring tour groups through here.
Charlie Bucket: Say. Is anything here made out of candy?
Glen: No. Not really. But I think I have some Rolaids in my desk. Knock yourself out. Now.. if that’s all, I really have to get back to work. William. We have to take care of this Oompa-Loompa situation. They need green cards, William! We’re not making tennis shoes here.
Willy Wonka: Glen, Charlie isn’t here for the tour. I’m giving him sole ownership of the factory!
Glen: [ outraged ] You’re doing what?!
Willy Wonka: I’m giving the whole factory here to Charlie!
Glen: You gave our business to an eight-year old child?! For God’s sakes, why?!
Willy Wonka: Because a child’s dream.. is like a thousand candy rainbows.
Glen: Oh, yeah, that makes sense! I’ll tell that to our stockholders when they storm down here and beat us bloody with our candy canes!
Willy Wonka: Glen! Please!
Glen: No, William! I’ve had it! I put up with a lot working here! Riding that insane, psychadelic boat ot my office everyday! Having to step around piles and piles of Oompa-Loompa dung! But I am through with it!
Willy Wonka: What are you saying, Glen?
Glen: What I’m saying, William, is that, thanks to your wizwarbulous ideas, this factory is.. [ crumples reports ] ..hemorrhaging money!! You have a chocolate river running through here! And I’m pretty sure earlier today a fat kid drowned in it. You tell me how that’s helping our bottom line!
Willy Wonka: Glen, please, take it easy!
Glen: Wait! I almost forgot! There’s that billion dollars you spent on that machine that turns giant candy bars into tiny chocolate bars. Help me wrap my brain around that one.. ’cause I’m missing the big profit opportunity!
Charlie Bucket: Actually, that is a good point.
Glen: You want to know how bad things are?! You want to know?! [ into intercom ] Get the report on Third Quarter Earnings!
[ Oompa-Loompas enter office with a song ]
Oompa-Loompas: [ singing ] “Oompa-Loompa Oopity-Do! I’ve got the Third Quarter Earnings for you!”
Glen: Save it! I don’t have time. Just cut to the chase!
Glen: That’s right. We’re Oompah Loompah doopity screwed. And I am tired of it. The kid gloves are off, William! I think it’s really weird that every restroom in this factory has toilets made of graham cracker! I’ve never been comfortable with that! [ Willy Wonka grins like a mischievious jackass ] Is any of this getting through to you, you grinning goon?!
Willy Wonka: Glen, you’re missing the point! This factory isn’t about money. [ misty soundtrack sweeps over ] It’s about making your dreams come true.. no matter how strange or stupid that may seem. Isn’t that right, Charlie?
Charlie Bucket: No way! I’m in it for the long green! for God’s sake, all of my four grandparents sleep in one bed! [ snaps fingers ] Oompa-Loompas!
[ obeying Charlie’s command, the Oompa-Loompas drag a struggling Willy Wonka out of the office ]
Willy Wonka: But, Charlie! What about the magic!
Charlie Bucket: Glen? There are gonna be some changes around here. First: we get a hold of a whole bunch of cheap Mexican chocolate!
Air Date:
