Month: October 2018



SNL Transcripts: Kate Hudson: 10/14/00: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

]]>

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Despite explosive violence in the West Bank this week, negotiators remained hopeful that a  U.S.-sponsored summit could end the conflict. Israeli and Palestinian officials say they are eager to sign an agreement so they could dip it in gasoline, light it on fire, and throw it at each other. Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. Thanks, Tina.

During Wednesday’s Presidential Debate, Al Gore pointed out that while George Bush is opposed to same sex marriage, his own running mate Dick Cheney has much more liberal views on the subject. Bush replied that if Gore liked Dick Cheney’s ideas so much, maybe he should marry him.

During this week’s New York Senate debate, both Hilary Clinton and Rick Lazio said they were strongly opposed to a bill that would place a 5-cent charge on e-mail messages. However it turns out the bill is an urban myth and doesn’t even exist. The candidates also expressed their opposition to giant alligators in the sewers and their deep sorrow that Mikey died from drinking Pepsi and Pop Rocks.

The space shuttle Discovery was launched Thursday to begin building a $60 billion international space station. After the launch an excited NASA spokesman commented, “This space station will be the most sophisticated, technologically advanced piece of  equipment we will ever lose.”

Despite adding an extra hour this week, the Today Show was unable to beat its competition, Live With Regis. Regis executive producer Michael Gelman explained, “Even though Katie Lee has left the show, we still benefit from her deal with Satan.”

Responding to a bill being proposed in New York that would limit sex-related businesses in the city, Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he drives sex shops “into the ocean”. Giuliani is backed by thousands of parents, teachers, and Aquamen. (show picture of Aquaman)

Tina Fey: In sports news, New York City is closing in on its first all-New York World Series since 1956. (wild cheers and applause from audience) And no one – no one could be more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Thank you very much. Tina, three words: Subway Series. Am I right, New York? Come on! (audience responds by wild cheers and applause) The Yankees just won 5-nothing, okay? The magic number is three, and it’s out of control – the whole city is going crazy! For once, Tina, New York City is divided. The guys in the Bronx are all like, “Yo yo yo, El Duque, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” and the people in Queens are like, “Eduardo Alfonso, Piazza, yo yo yo, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” and the rest of New York is like, “Yo yo yo, Mets, Yankees, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” People are just going nuts in the streets. Roll the footage… (supposed footage of people going wild in New York City shows) Look at these people celebrating the Yankees’ victory in game 2, the bats finally woke up. And here, Tina, you can see the mad rush to get World Series tickets has already begun.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, did you put that little piece together by yourself?

Jimmy Fallon: No, Tina. I had the help of millions of New Yorkers. Back to you.

An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain to the governor that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he’ll take care of the students the best way he knows how, by executing them.

The producers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck.

Jimmy Fallon: Turning to business news, Wall Street has been erratic all week as the tech market continues to falter. Here now with a “Weekend Update” stock report is Tina Fey. How did the market do today, Tina?

Tina Fey: The stock market was closed today, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: That bad, huh? I guess I got out just in time…

The rock group Phish surprised its fans this week with an announcement that they will be breaking up. No surprise is the immediate drop in sales of Birkenstocks, hackey sacks, and one-hitters and the rise of sales of soap.

Tina Fey: Now at “Weekend Update” we are proud to introduce a brand new segment we call “Movie Minute” featuring our own movie man Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. I’m all over this tonight, huh? This weekend I saw “Meet The Parents” starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller. Falling in love with Pam was easy, but meeting her dad was the hard part, Tina. Ben Stiller was so funny. Ben Stiller was like – (imitating Ben Stiller) “I’m gonna meet the parents! Guess what? I’m from the other side of the tracks. Guess what? The dad’s from the CIA. Ooh-ooh, I’m so scared, ooh, the CIA guy. Ooh, Mr. Scary Guy.” And Robert De Niro, uh, he was like, De Niro. (imitating Robert De Niro) “You’re gonna meet me! You’re gonna meet me! Me you’ll meet! You’re meeting me! I got a lie detector, that you will meet! You’re gonna meet me! I’m gonna meet you!  I’m gonna meet you! You’re gonna meet me!”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you just keep saying the word “meet” over and over – did you even see this movie?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I did not, Tina. I saw an ad in the paper, it looks really good though.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Jimmy Fallon: (imitating De Niro) Tina, I’m gonna meet you.

Tina Fey: No you’re not.

The producers of “Seussical”, a $10 million musical celebrating the characters of Dr. Seuss, have delayed their Broadway opening three weeks to fix the show’s troubled second act. A spokesman for the production said, “We’ll work out the kinks, we’ll work out the glitches, we’ll work out the schneezles and beezles and squitches.”

Country music star Garth Brooks announced this week that he and his wife Sandy will be divorcing after 14 years of marriage. Rumor has it that Garth was angry Sandy made fun of his alter ego Chris Gaines, and Sandy was angry that Chris Gaines was nailing Trisha Yearwood.

The supposed image of the Virgin Mary in the window of a New Jersey house disappeared Tuesday when the homeowner cleaned the glass, leading many to conclude what they have already feared… there are no virgins in New Jersey.

Tina Fey: Of all the people tuned in to the recent presidential debates, no one was more interested in the outcome than the current president. Here he is to talk about the debates and more – President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Jimmy, and thank you, Ms. Fey. America, anyone who has paid attention to the events of the last few days knows that we are in the midst of some very difficult times. Therefore, it’s all the more important for us as a nation to do the best we can to make an informed decision concerning our next leader. Will it be Al Gore or will it be George W. Bush? I would like to say my friend Al Gore is the right choice, but that would not be truthful. And I believe there is one thing my presidency will be remembered for. It will be honesty and integrity.

Anyway, after watching the two candidates debate, there is one informed decision we can make, and that is, they suck! They suck big time. They are not presidential material. We need a Colin Powell or John McCain type. Or a Chuck Heston. Those are presidents. But – but George W.? Al Gore? “Oh, no, the situation in the Middle East is out of control! What are we gonna do, Al Gore?” “Well I propose we calculate the ratio of an isoceles triangle and divide it by…” WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT? I don’t know. Nobody knows.

But – but – is George W. much better? Subliminable? Unaccepta-ma-ba-ble? Can y’all say unelect-a-ma-bable? Now, now, when the country is invaded by apes, we need the president to say, “Get your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty ape!” That’s what Chuck Heston would do. That is presidential. That’s what I’m talking about.

Listen, America, I have felt your pain before and I feel it now. In the coming months I’m going to appoint a special council to look into the legality of the – of this 8-year term limit thing. I think there’s some fudging we can do. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, our laws are like pinatas – the more you beat ’em, the more candy you get. I think I’ll be able to run again by late October. Don’t be scared, America. Everything will be okay.

Tina Fey: President Clinton, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: >Mike

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


]]>

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Cigarette Box voice…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice-President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Centre. When asked how Cheney’s angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, “Boys don’t have anginas”

Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches after breaking his foot in a “common household accident” in his Netherland ranch. “It could have happened to anyone,” Jackson told a reporter. “See my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man’s bones, and I tripped on my cape.”

At his final inner-circle correspondence dinner, Mayor Rudy Guiliani shaved his legs, put on high heels, and danced with the Rockettes. The mayor stayed at the party until almost dawn, when he was seen leaving with a very drunk Tracy Morgan.

An Australian man, Rob Milner, announced that next March, he plans to sky-dive from 25 miles from above the Earth, reaching speeds of over 1000 miles per hour, and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rob Milner is dead.

Kathie Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an up-coming episode of ‘Just Shoot Me’. Cathie Lee said Just Shoot Me is her husband Frank’s favourite show, and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again.

A month into his 10 year as attorney general, John Ashcroft has begun to actively reach out to African-Americans and gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to Black Inches magazine.

Tina Fey: It’s a good magazine…

Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

As part of his on-going financial disclosure Jesse Jackson told the Chicago sun times this week that he doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those you need a job!! What is your job…?

Arnold Shwarzenagger told USA today, that he hasn’t ruled out running for Governor of California next year, saying that he ill make a decision in a few months. Reportedly, Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce (in Arnold voice) “Gubernatorial”.

Jimmy Fallon: A British firm has filed a pattern for a talking cigarette pack, that delivers a warning about the hazards of smoking every time the lid is opened. We got a pack right here acually. (Opens box of cigarettes)

Cigarette Box Voice: You’d better not SMOKE THESE!! You’ll get cancer if you SMOKE THESE DELICIOUS CIGARETTES.

FED Chairman Alan Greenspan turned 75 this week, however talk on the street is that he’s going to lower it to 74 and a half.

According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if yo wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.

Duke University researches have wired the brains of monkeys to control robotic arms in hopes that one day paralyzed humans will be able to control artificial limbs. But so far, all they have done of allowed paralysed monkeys to have better aim when they throw their own poop.

O.J Simpson is once again facing criminal charges, this time over a road-rage incident in which Simpson violently ripped a mans glasses off his head. On a positive note, this time he left the head.

This week, Sporty Spice told the Rueters News Agency that she was done with the Spice Girls. Making her just 2 years behind everyone else.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Subshack

Jared Fogel…..Jimmy Fallon
Cashier…..Maya Rudolph
Karen Jackman…..Ana Gasteyer
Bob Ettinger…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on skinny Jared Fogul walking down the street ]

Announcer: Remember Jared? He’s inspired a lot of people to go back to his favorite restaurant.

Jared Fogul: [ holding picture of himself thin and holding former megasize pants ] This is me, six months ago. I’ve always wanted to wear pants like this! Well, now I can. Because I went back.. to SubShack!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Cashier: Hi, Jared! We knew you’d be back!

[ Jared holds the door so two of his fat friends can enter SubShack ]

Jared Fogul: My idea of a balanced diet is to have all my favorite red meats in one sandwich. Thanks, SubShack!

[ show skinny Karen Jackman; quick cut to fatter Karen with “Gained 135 Pounds” SUPER over her ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Karen Jackman: [ holding giant SubShack sandwich ] No stupid Happy Meals. Just lots and lots of food!

Jared Fogul: This week at Subshack, get a Super Meat ‘N Cheeser, plus a side of bacon chili fries, a 32-ounce Mountain Dew, and a pecan sugarloaf. All for just $7.99!

[ show skinny Bob Ettinger carrying a bicycle over his shoulders; quick cut to Bob with “Gained 160 Pounds” SUPER over him ]

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Bob Ettinger: And the Supa Baloney is low in sodium – I like that!

Jingle: “He’ll lead you back. To SubShack!”

Jared Fogul: SubShack! Where the only word that follows “healthy” is “appetite”!

Announcer: Thanks, SubShack!

[ fade out on Jared chowing down on his SubShack ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

TV Funhouse

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Tracy Morgan

FADE IN:

EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

SUPER: FIND THE BLACK PEOPLE AT THE KNICK GAME

MUSIC: ELEVATOR-TYPE/GENERIC SOURCE

INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

A camcorder moves to and fro in slow precision, sometimes shaking, covering the venue. It starts from a shot of the scoreboard in the center.

CUT TO: LOWER MEZZANINE

The camera moves slow. As it’s moving, a white circle briefly flashes on the face of an African-American in the crowd. The camera moves a little faster.

CUT TO: ANOTHER LOWER MEZZANINE SECTION

The camera moves slow again. Two white circles flash on two, African-Americans in the crowd. As the camera moves, a male, African-American cotton candy vendor strolls past from right to left. A white circle flashes over his face.

CUT TO: ANOTHER LOWER MEZZANINE SECTION

A female, African-American woman in a leather jacket walks casually in front of the camera. A white circle flashes over her face. As the camera moves up, a female, African-American drink vendor hands a beverage to a patron. A white circle flashes over her face.

CUT TO: COURTSIDE

A couple towards the back has two white circles flash over their faces. As the camera moves to the premium seats, we see BOB COSTAS, FRANK GIFFORD, etc. The camera pans out and flashes white circles over the entire NEW YORK KNICKS starting line-up. A closer look shows SPIKE LEE standing and applauding proudly after the Knicks score a point.

CUT TO: UPPER MEZZANINE

White circles are flashing manically all over. The camera turns to the right and HORATIO SANZ’s is putting his fountain drink on the floor. TRACY MORGAN’s seated next to him, eating. A very large white circle flashes over and over on his face.

EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

SUPER: FIND THE BLACK PEOPLE AT THE KNICK GAME

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gastyer
Lynn Vershad…..Rachel Dratch
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Caller…..Chris Parnell

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Lynn Vershad: And I’m Lynn Vershad.

Together: And you’re lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don’t adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We’re real proud of her, and we’re going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she’s a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.

Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show “Use Your Noodle”. Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.

Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re welcome.

Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the “most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!

Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80’s, that I’ve never ogne back.

Lynn Vershad: I’m so, so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s okay. It’s neat.

Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.

Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime – baseball.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.

Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that’s right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish – Mr. Pete Scweddy.

[ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back.

Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I’m in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I’ve been known to boo the other team.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I’d want to steer clear of that.

Pete Schweddy: For sure.

Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you’ve gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.

Pete Schweddy: That’s right. I’m proud to say I’ve won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.

Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don’t say.

Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..

Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it’s a doozy, Pete.

Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?

Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that’s a very thick one, too.

Pete Schweddy: I’d have to say it’s almost as thick as it is long.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.

Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There’s no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.

Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn’t it?

Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it’s the weiners folks can’t seem to keep out of their mouthes.

Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it’s a big hit with the kids.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner.

[ call lines start to light up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard’s really lighting up! We’ll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!

Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it.

[ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]

Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I’m not sure I can handle this much meat..

Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don’t have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.

Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?

Pete Schweddy: I’d rather you didn’t!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner’s so plump and firm. The weiners I’m accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy – is it okay if we take a call?

Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You’re on the air.

Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?

Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!

Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?

Caller: Do you touch it!

Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I’m very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner.

Caller: Are you touching it now!

Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I’m not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?

Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I’m all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.

Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can’t keep your weiner out of my mouth.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it’s delicious!

Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Pete Schweddy: What’s wrong?

Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn’s gagging on your weiner..

Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!

Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn’s back ] Let it slide out.

[ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?

Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I’m glad it was yours, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, I’m glad my Schwddy weiner didn’t disappoint you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that’s all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..

Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Jeannie Darcy

Jeannie Darcy….Molly Shannon
Nurse….Rachel Dratch
Grieving daughter….Ana Gasteyer
Orderlies….Jerry Minor, Chris Parnell

(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center,cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs andin bed)

Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You’re in for a treattoday because St. Joseph’s Hospital has organized alittle surprise for the elderly ward. We’re gonna havea young woman come out here and entertain usall.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you cancurrently catch her at Boner’s. Now please welcome thestand-up comedy stylings of miss JeannieDarcy.(Applauds)

(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle ofthe room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suitjogs into the room, stands with her back to the fakebrick wall, mic on hand)

Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks!I’m Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. Inever thought of going to a retirement home to get adate. I thought the only thing guys take out here aretheir teeth. Don’t get me started.(A woman cries forher sick mother, nurse observes)I’m getting prettydesperate. I’m suffering from PMMS. “Please Marry MeSomebody” Don’t get me started! Don’t even get mestarted!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in theirwheelchairs)But, uh, I don’t know, I’m just glad Ihave my cats. I can really relate to them. I’m alwaysburying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says.Don’t get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, canI ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date?(Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It’s sohard to date in the 90’s, isn’t it ladies? When Ifirst read about safe sex I thought, “Oh great! Moreequipment” Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out likea bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice whatbabies men can be when they get a cold? If they had tohave children, painkillers would be in gumballmachines. Don’t get me started.(Shot of flat line, twoorderlies come into the room) You know, I’m kind ofafraid of labor pains. I don’t know why. I should beused to it because I’ve spent the last 3 years pushingto get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the bodyof old lady)”Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It’s a jerk!”234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the deadold lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie,she just continues her routine)Somebody cut thecord…..to his TV set. Don’t get me started! And whatabout stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a badcase of stretch marks….on his wallet! Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!

Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time.Do you want to take a break?

Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how goodare vibrators? The only thing that could make thembetter is if they took out the trash. Help me outhere, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)Myvibrator’s got 2 speeds. On and…on. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!

Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.

Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)Youknow one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, trieshard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Menwho pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don’t get me started!Don’t even get me started!

(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)

Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!

Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too!Don’t get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves,Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are greatand thanks for cheering me up. I’ve been a littledepressed since my boob job got laid off. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!(Shot of old guysleeping, gasps, exhales)I’m Jeannie Darcy and don’tget me started.

Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I’m so sorry about what happened.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.

Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I’ve had much worse shows thanthat. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty goodthough. But I guess I won’t know for sure till I gethome and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out amini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours ofme telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess Isort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.

(Shake hands with nurse)

Nurse: OK.

(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)

Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guywith a great body stops in, he’s probably gay. Don’tget me started! Don’t even get me started!

(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards,exits. Nurse attends to old guy)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

MTV Cribs

Britanica…..Maya Rudolph
Jonette…..Ana Gasteyer
Lady Speed Stick…..Jennifer Lopez

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

Announcer: Welcome to MTV Cribs, the show that lets you hop the fence and sneak a peek at the homes of your favorite stars. This week we head to Manhattan to drop in on the hottest new R&B trio, Gemini’s Twin!

(Cut to the twins inside their apartment. Their song, ‘No Whack Whack’ plays in the background)

Jonette: Wassup MTV!

Britanica: Welcome to the beautiful home of the ladies of Gemini’s Twin in downtown…

All: Man-Hatt-An!

Jonette: Okay, so today, we’re gonna give you a tour. Kick back and chill, cause we ‘bout it, ‘bout it.

Britanica: Now you all have probably noticed that yet again, we have a new mem-ber!

Jonette: MTV, give it up for our resident mistress of rhyme, Lady Speed Stick!

Lady Speed Stick: Cause Lady Speed Stick controls the funk 24-7 hours a dizz-ay!

Britanica: Alright, so let’s begin the tour. So…basically this is it.…

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah, it’s little, but it’s where we fiddle, y’all.

All: Mmm-Hmm.

Britanica: Yeah, it’s real small, cause see, because we are trying to overcome our monetary deficiencies, and watch ourselves from a financial perspective.

Jonette: Word. That’s also cause we broke like TLC.

Lady Speed Stick: Or Hammer. You saw Behind the Music?

Jonette: Yes, I did.

Britanica: We got a lot of overhead, like our designer wardrobes, hairdos…

Jonette: Facials, salt water aquarium…

Lady Speed Stick: Karate, pilates, looking for hotties…

All: Mmm-hmm.

Jonette: Also, my dialect coach.

Britanica: Word, cause she from Scars-dale, but she’s real sweet on the inside.

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Sco-o-o-ottsd-a-a-a-le!

Britanica: White Girl!

Jonette: Okay, this is our living room, and it’s real special to us because it’s also the bedroom.

Britanica: See, the couch folds out into a bed.

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah. And you can sleep on it, too.

(Pan over to the minibar, which has various souvenirs on top of it)

Britanica: Right over here, y’all, is the minibar, and also where we do our makeup, and where we display our collection from our worldwide European tour!

(Jonette holds up a piggy bank)

Jonette: Okay, this is a pig and a bank also, and it’s from Spain. You put coins in it; it’s real cool.

(Lady Speed Stick holds up a Russian stacking doll)

Lady Speed Stick: This right here is a Russian doll from China…that has other dolls inside her. (opens it to reveal the other dolls inside) It’s a trick.

Britanica: Word, we also got fragrance and Merit ultra lights from Duty Free in Italy.

Jonette: We got Duty Free y’all!

All: (chanting) Duty-duty duty-free What! Duty-duty duty free Ha-ey!

(Pan over to the intercom)

Britanica: Ooh! Check it out y’all, we got an intercom…

Jonette: We got intercoms, y’all! This is where we chop it up with all the delivery guys, yo!

Lady Speed Stick: (talking to the intercom) Yo, wassup Little Caesar! Haha!

Britanica: Pizza Pizza! Okay, now it’s time for one of our fav-or-ite areas – the kitchenette!

Jonette: Yeah, cause Gemini’s Twin like to eat FOOD!

All: WHAT, WHAT!

Britanica: Let’s see what’s in the refrigerator, yo. Open sesame!

Jonette: (singing the tune to “Kung Fu Fighting”) Da-na-na-na na nuh-na-na-na!

(The fridge is opened, the various food items inside are shown)

Jonette: Okay, we got lots of nutritious foods cause we like to eat balanced.

Britanica: Yeah, like here’s some Kraft Singles, fish sticks, goober grape peanut butter with the jelly mixed in.

Jonette: We got cat food, gummy worms, orange soda, Arm & Hammer box to keep it fresh.

Lady Speed Stick: Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Bacos, string cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups…

Jonette: Ooh, this is my favorite from my house growin’ up; this sundried tomato spread from Williams Sonoma!

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Williams Son-o-maaaa!

Lady Speed Stick: White People Food!

(closes fridge, pan over to a large, colourful painting)

Britanica: Check it out – up here is our most prized possession of all, y’all. It’s a painting of the Gemini symbol.

Lady Speed Stick: It’s very colourful and dramatized.

Britanica: Cause see, it’s where we get our inspiration, horoscopically.

Jonette: Because zodiologically speaking, the twins also remind us that we are three very powerful women.

Britanica: Word! A’ight y’all, before we go, we made up a little song for you, Gemini style. So why don’t we kick it?

(music starts)

Britanica & Jonette: (singing)

You’ll call up my nana and Carson Daly
Cause we cold getting’ down on MTV
You came to our crib, you see we got class
Cause we more ‘bout it ‘bout it than those fools on jackass
Jackass, jackass, jackass, jackass!

Lady Speed Stick: (rapping)

Check, Check one!
I’m gonna get to the intros mighty quick
Johnette, Britanica and Lady Speed Stick
We are the Twins of Gemini
And we co-habitate on the Lower East Side
Lower East Side, you chilled and you kicked it
But the fun is over cause you’re getting evicted

All:
Scoot it out now, we just playin’, MTV!
Scoot it out now, we love you MTV!
Scoot it out now, bye MTV!

(door closes)

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

(fade)

Submitted by: Ann*e Hussey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Moleculo: The Molecular Man

Bank Robber #1…..Chris Kattan
Bank Robber #2…..Tracy Morgan
Moleculo…..Conan O’Brien
Police Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer #2…..Jerry Minor
Jimmy…..Jimmy Fallon
Lois…..Rachel Dratch
Chief…..Darrell Hammond
Mexican…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Acme Federal Savings Bank, sounds of fighting heard within ]

[ dissolve to interior, pile of bank robbers stacked on the floor ]

Bank Robber #1: We give up..!

Bank Robber #2: Yeah.. we give..! Who.. who are you, anyway?

Moleculo: I am Moleculo.. [ camera zooms in on his face ] ..The Molecular Maaaann!

[ cut to jingle ]

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ cut back to bank interior, as the robbers are carted off the scene ]

Police Officer #1: Oh, well, that’s the last of them. I can’t believe notorious gangster Jackhammer Joe has been defeated.

Police Officer #2: Sure is great to have a superhero around. Thanks a lot! We owe you one Moleculo!

Moleculo: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

[ the Police Officers are stunned by his sudden outburst ]

Police Officer #1: Yeah.. Well, uh.. we can handle it from here. Thanks again.

Moleculo: Remember: wherever evil lurks, I’ll be there! [ exits ]

Police Officer #1: I wonder where he came from?

Police Officer #2: I don’t know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..

Moleculo: [ rushes in – camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!

[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]

Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..

[ dissolve to interior ]

Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!

Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!

Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo’s gonna show up!

Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don’t think..?

Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!

[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]

Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What’s the good word?

Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!

Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.

Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time – when it comes to Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Jimmy: Yes. Him.

Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say “Good Job” on this Moleculo story..

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Lois: What is wrong with you?

Jimmy: Are you high?

Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]

Jimmy: Something’s fishy about that Brett Barker..

Chief: Say, what do you mean?

Lois: Well.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!

Chief: Okay. Okay! You’re Moleculo! Just admit it!

Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how’d you know..?

Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don’t know.. maybe it was Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it’s the yelling. Damn! I just can’t control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover’s blown.

Lois: What will you do now?

Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ]

[ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]

Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.

Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!

Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!

Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?

Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Tough Guy

General…..Chris Parnell
Alec Baldwin…..Sgt. Jack Wilcox
Soldier #1…..Jerry Minor
Soldier #2…..Rachel Dratch
Soldier #3…..Will Ferrell
Soldier #4…..Darrell Hammond
Soldier #5…..Chris Kattan
Soldier #6…..Jimmy Fallon
Soldier #7…..Tracy Morgan

[ SUPER: “South China Sea: The Island of Hainan, April 6, 2001” ]

General: Okay, listen up, people. I’ve just come back from talking with our embassy, and I’m sorry to report, but the Chinese are not going to let us go yet, and it could be a while. Settle down. It looks like they will let us go eventually.. but they’re probably gonna keep the plane, so.. How did we do destroying vital information? Steve?

Soldier #1: Dylan and I were able to dump all code books, sir.

General: Great job, guys. Uh.. encryption?

Soldier #2: Uh, we think we knocked out 70% of our encryption, but time ran out.

General: Good enough. Digital tapes and hard drives?

Soldier #3: We destroyed everything, sir. They’d have to take the plane apart to get anywhere near that stuff.

General: Okay. Pretty good. For now, we just sit tight and wait. Like I said, it’s gonna be a long time.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ moves forward ] Anyone wanna know what I think?

General: Oh, yeah.. I don’t think you had a chance to meet him on board. This is Sgt. Jack Wilcox, on loan from the Marines.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Yes. Sure, we could sit around and wait.. or we could take them!

Soldier #3: What was that?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: We could knock them out!

Soldier #3: [ confused ] The Chinese?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You’ve got a problem with that, Soldier?

Soldier #3: Well, there’s a billion of them..

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Those are my kind of odds..

Soldier #4: Where’d you get that gun? They strip-searched all of us.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I was keepin’ it nice and warm! You know, I’ve got extra clips, too.

General: Okay. That’s great. Hopefully, we won’t need to use force, but thanks for –

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I’ve also got a grenade, a field radio, a Chinese-English dictionary, and enough cyanide capsules to take us all out!

Soldier #5: You keep all that up your butt?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ steps forward ] That’s right, Fly-Boy! We’re not up in the air playing video games in that floating arcade you call a spy plane any more! We’re in my world now! And the way I see it, we can either relax in here for a few more days, or we can mount a counter-attack!

General: Alright now, let’s not talk about attacking anybody, okay?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You did your training, Soldier?

General: Most of us here were trained in an Intelligence Gathering.

Soldier #6: You know, like, computers.. stuff like that.

Soldier #4: Yeah. I speak six dialects of Mandarin..

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Surely, you all had basic training?

Soldier #2: Uh.. I stepped through some tires once. Is that what you’re talking about?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: It’ll have to do. As we were coming over the island, I noticed an oil refinery about two clicks back! I’ll take four men, and we’ll hit it tonight! When you hear the blast, the rest of you take off for the south side of the island!

Soldier #3: No.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: The Vice Squad will take out the plane and secure a boat! Lay low! Eat bugs and grass ’til we get back! Got it!

Soldier #7: [ eating out of a bowl with chopsticks ] Hey, hey, I’m not eating no bugs and no grass, man! Personally, I like this food they served us – I got some sesame shrimp right here!

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Oh, I get the picture. I know how you all feel. [ patriotic music plays over him ] War was a rough business. Women and college boys need not apply! When we signed on for this gig, we knew it wasn’t gonna be a cakewalk! We also knew we were signing up on the winning team – OUR TEAM!! Now, I don’t pretend to know who these Chinese people are – I know they’re small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they’re just like you and me. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I can’t take on a billion of them..

Soldier #3: Yeah, you can’t.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Maybe with a little luck, I can pull this thing through and take this country! The American people don’t pay me to be a ballerina! They pay me to be a soldier! So! Who’s coming with me! [ no one moves ] So that’s the way it’s gonna be? Alright. [ weeping ] Just tell Shirley.. that I love her! [ runs toward the camera, arms extended, screaming as the screen freezes ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Of course this is just a comedy sketch, there’s no way to know hat’s really happening in China right now. We can only hope for a peaceful solution, but maybe, just maybe, one man will take the whole country. Wouldn’t that be great! A Starbucks on every corner!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00m: Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band

Tough as Nails

Rod….Will Ferrell
Carol….Katie Holmes
A.D….Chris Kattan
Richard….Chris Parnell
Black Actor….Tracy Morgan

[Opens on a movie set. Its a cop thriller. Rod plays a thug, Carol plays a detective, a black actor plays Carol’s partner and Richard is the director]

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 4![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays. Carol and his partner have Rod with his arms up at gunpoint]

Rod: Its like I told you lady—I ain’t talking to no cops without my lawyer.

Carol: So you think you’re a tough guy, Spinelli? Is that it? Well, I don’t like tough guys.

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting and Carol grabs Rod violently by the balls]So, who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [panicked] Hey, man! This chick is crazy man! Get her off me ,man!

Carol: What’s the matter Spinecky? Spi–damn it!

Richard: All right, cut, cut. Great intensity Carol. Don’t worry. We’ll do it again. How are you doing, Rod?

Rod: [in some pain] Not bad. I think I have one more in me.

Richard: Ok, great. Now Carol, remember, you’re a woman on the force, all right? They don’t respect you. You got to prove that you’re tough, all right? Don’t hold back. Rod’s a pro. Ok? All right, we’ll start from “that ain’t my problem”. Ok?

A.D.: “Tough as nails”. Scene 108, take 5![clack]

Richard: And action!

[scene plays again]

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs Rod’s balls hard]So where’s the stuff?!

Rod: [in pain] Hey, man! This chick’s crazy, man! Get her off me, man!

Carol: Oh, what’s the matter Spinelli? You want your mamma?

Richard: And cut! That was great.

Rod:[exhausted] Moving on!

Richard:[to Carol] Hold up. I had an idea. Maybe you come at him soft, you know, you’re real quiet-type like, but then you get your hands on those gonads and you really turn the screws on them, you know, maybe twist them.

Carol: Twist them.

Richard: Don’t stop squeezing until you hear a crunch, you know what I mean? You hate him. He knows who killed your partner, ok? You know what I mean? Rod, you good, buddy?

Rod: Well, actually Richard to tell you the truth its just a little uncomfortable.

Richard: So lets do one more and then we’ll call it a day. Ok? All right? You start, Carol.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 6![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs the balls harder]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [stammering incoherently]Get th–ah!, uh, aah!, aaaah!

Black Actor: Let go! Let go, man! That ain’t cool!

Richard: Cut! Come on, guys. Don’t ad-lib in here. Don’t ad-lib.

Black Actor: That was hurting me!

Carol: I really dug into him on that one.

Richard: You know what? I’d like to see more. Rod, what’s wrong, pal?

Rod:[in extreme pain] A fire down below, Richard. Can we take it easy?

Richard: All right.Ok. Carol, let up a bit. Rod’s getting sore.[whispers]Go at him even harder. If I know Rod this will be real Oscar stuff.[normal voice] Ok, nice and easy for Rod.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 8, take 7![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs balls violently]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in agony]Ok, ge-,ge-, da-da-da.[music sting, another violent handful to the nuts]Get her off!!!

Carol: What’s the matter, Spinelli? You want your mamma?

Rod: Uh-huh! I do! I WANT MY MAMMA! I WANT MY MAMMA!

[a boom mike is visible in the shot]

Richard: And cut! cut! Great on performance gang. But I got a boom mike in the shot. Hello? Ok, lets take it from the grab and do three in a row real quick. Ok? And action!

[scene plays, music sting, violent grabbing on Rod’s nuts]

Carol: So who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Yipe!!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in pain] No, thank you!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Eeee-yaaak!

Richard: Great. We almost got it. Almost.

Rod: Richard, I’m getting some swelling. Could you come over here and take a look? I mean…

[Richard looks down Rod’s pants]

Richard: Yikes! Is that from today?

Rod: I believe so. And it would in my best interest if we just moved on.

Richard: I can see what you mean. Gosh, I would hate to miss this shot, though. It really is the whole movie. Uh, could you give me one more?

Rod: No.

Richard: Tell you what. Let me talk it over with Carol. See what we come up with, all right? Carol, listen, Rod is losing it, ok? I’m in a real bind here. I don’t think grabbing him is working. I don’t know…

Carol: Well, why don’t I just kick him?

Richard: I like it, I like it a lot. Rod, problem solved. She’s not gonna squeeze you at all.

Rod: Great. As long as she doesn’t come close to my testicle area, that’d be great. These babies are big, red and sore as hell.

Richard: And action! Go! Carol! Go!

[Carol kicks Rod square in the balls]

Rod: Cheese and biscuits!

Richard: And cut! Great! We got it, gang! We got it. That’s a wrap! Unless you want another try Rod.

Rod: [in pain] No, no, no, no. I’m good. No, I’m gonna, just gonna go head on home and maybe catch a bite to eat or something. Maybe watch some tv and um,[Rod bends and picks up something from the floor] and, uh, uh, while I’m there, I might see if I can sew these babies back on.[Rod carries his swollen, red, black and blue balls in his hands]Yeah, yeah.[walks off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts