Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

The View

Meredith Viera…..Molly Shannon
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
Star Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Debbie Matenopoulus…..Clair Danes
Cokie Jones…..Ana Gesteyer

[ background music starts ]

[ The View logo ]

[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]

Meredith Viera: Hi, welcome to The View. We got a great show for you today. Right, ladies?

Barbara Walters: We certainly do.

Meredith Viera: Okay, let’s start with a look at the newspaper.

Star Jones: We have got some hot topics today.

Meredith Viera: Yes, we do. What do you think about this? Louise Woodward, the British nanny, was set free on Monday. Her conviction was reduced from murder to manslaughter.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you manslaughter is a lesser charge than murder. So, her charges were actually reduced.

Barbara Walters: Meredith, I was at a dinner party with Berry Chuck just last night, and, girlfriend, he was as giddy as a school-girl who had crossed the ocean, killed her baby, and got all scott free.

Meredith Viera: Nice, nice. Now, I have a nanny, and it’s worked out great, but I also have a secret nanny who keeps an eye on the other nanny, but, uh, not everyone can afford that.

Barbara Walters: No, this is true. Yes, this is true.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You, guys, that English nanny bugs me. I mean, I mean, what is with that stupid accent?

[ Barbara Walters makes a hand gesture ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Right? I mean, you know. [ giggles ]

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, this, um, this next story is really very interesting. Umm, President Clinton is sending 50 more warplanes to Iraq. This will double the number of U.S. warplanes in the region from 50 to 100.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and what this means is that there were 50 planes and now, there are 100 planes, and that’s almost twice as many planes. I know.

Barbara Walters: That’s right, that’s right, true. I was horseback riding with Saddam Hussein just last week. And let me tell you, sister friend, that man is as crazy as a crap house rat.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You guys, I’ll take on Saddam Hussein myself ’cause, ’cause I do power yoga, and I’m like totally strong.

Meredith Viera: Okayyyy, our guest today is one of my favorite journalists. She’s fantastic. This lady is fantastic. You see her every Sunday on This Week with David Brinkley. Please welcome Cokie Roberts.

[ Cokie enters and sits down ]

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: You must be a size six.

Cokie Roberts: Well, thank you for having me.

Barbara Walters: Cokie, I must ask, what is the most difficult interview you’ve ever done?

Cokie Roberts: Well, Barbara, I would have to say it’s–

Barbara Walters: Because, Cokie, if it were me, it would have to either be Henry Kissinger, Fidel Castro, or my upcoming interview with Ferry Switzer this week on 20/20.

Meredith Viera: You know, sometimes, I will be in the middle of the interview, and I will start thinking about my son, Alex, and I will be thinking what is he doing right now. Is he eating a sandwich? Does he miss me? And I feel so guilty about being a working mom.

Star Jones: See, that’s why I say no kids for me. ‘Cause we all know I got to have my me time.

[ all the ladies say “That is so Star!” ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Umm, Cokie, you know what I wanted to ask you, does anyone ever call you Cokie Cola or Diet Cokie?

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, it is time now, um, for our question of the day. Okay, today’s question comes from Marlyn Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma. And, Cokie, we chose this question in your honor. Okay? If you could be any Spice Girl, which one would you be and why? It’s a great question, huh? It is, it is. Great question, great question.

Barbara Walters: I’ll go first. I said ginger spice, also known as sexy spice, because I’ve always thought of myself as that Benny Hill type of big-breasted beauty. Star?

Star Jones: Now, I know all you thought I was gonna say scary spice.

Barbara Walters: That’s true.

Meredith Viera: Yes.

Star Jones: Why, oh, why is the only Black spice girl called scary? I mean, I wanna be called, i wanna be pudge spice, you know. Wear some Prada, okay. I’m a lawyer.

Debbie Matenopoulus: How about you, Cokie Cola?

Cokie Roberts: Well, I, I’ve been a journalist for 28 years, and, uh, Barbara, you’ve gotta get off the show before it sinks to you like a stone.

Debbie Matenopoulus: No fair, you didn’t answer the question.

Cokie Roberts: And, and someone should be you senseless with your own chunky black shoes.

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: I know that’s true. If I had decent senses, I’d beat that little white bitch myself.

Meredith Viera: Okay, we have to go to commercial, but stick around, we’re gonna be talking about the problem of virginity with the cast of the Lion King.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm Macdonald
Joe Blow … Colin Quinn

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: I’m Norm Macdonald, now the -[pause] – fake news, our top story tonight:

As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraqcontinues to heat up, President Clinton today sent hislatest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, “As ourtwo nations appear headed toward military conflict,let history record that all this could have beenavoided with a simple fifty thousand dollarcontribution to the Democratic National Committee. …The blood is on your hands.” …

In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in thetrial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appearsto be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defensehad only one question for each prospective juror:”What is your mailing address?” …

Just days after she was freed by a Massachusettsjudge, British nanny Louise Woodward has receivednumerous job offers from families seeking an aupair. Although her attorneys refuse to sayprecisely who has made these offers, speculation hassurfaced that JonBenet Ramsey’s parents are expecting…. [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter]Yeah, they’re gonna have a little bundle of joy therein their life. …

A frightening moment this week for First Lady HillaryClinton. Her plane, en route to the former SovietUnion, was forced to make an emergency landing when itwas discovered that a frayed wire in the engine wascausing serious malfunctions. The president was saidto be furious and demanded an immediate investigationof what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”…

There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. JackKevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a localchurch, leaving her body inside the church building.According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his vanhas almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. …[mild reaction from crowd]

Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!

Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya?…

In a statement with profound legal implications, theFBI announced this week that for the first time, itsexperts can now identify an individual with onehundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And,really, when you think about it, the timing could nothave been better, said former football great O. J.Simpson. … [mild reaction, someone boos] Hewas good on the gridiron. …

A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clientsinclude Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and JoanRivers, has been accused of fondling patients whilethey were under anesthesia. The case has legal expertswondering: who is the real victim here?…

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffersfrom emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke acigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. … Inresponse, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented himwith its lifetime achievement award. …

Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the localnews, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum,middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in aplumber’s outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch boxwhich has an American flag decal on it.]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In localnews, I was the only one with a flag flyin’ off myhouse on Veteran’s Day. Seen more American flags onthe news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guynext door to me, his wife is sellin’ Tupperware out ofthe house while the son is sellin’ drugs out o’ thegarage. I called the cops on ’em. They let the son go.Meanwhile, the wife is doin’ two years for income taxevasion. …

In educational news, my wife won’t send my youngestgirl to Catholic school ’cause the teachers hit thekids. So we sent her to public school where the kidshit the teachers. …

My daughter got thrown out for tryin’ to pray ’causeyou can’t pray in public school, only Catholic school.Public school, ya get shot, stabbed — that’s where yaneed to pray. Right, Norm?

Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. …

Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news,I go around the corner to the Rose o’ Tralee, theIrish bar. It’s run by three Spanish guys now. ThePegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in,sometimes you’re the only one not wearin’ a fishnetT-shirt. … They even changed the jukebox. E-7 usedto be “Wild Colonial Boy” – now, it’s the Theme from”Carlito’s Way.” I go next door to the pizzeria, theygot two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make surethey don’t give ya a slice off the old pie. I want thefresh one, the one underneath. They won’t let ya seewhich pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keepit hidden from you like you’re a U.N. chemical weaponsinspector. …

The neighborhood’s changin’, Norm. In the old days,there used to be a gin mill on every corner.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like itwas a great place to raise children. …

Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports,my oldest daughter is boxin’ and liftin’ weights whilemy oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at LucilleRoberts. … In the meantime, my doctor tells me I gotthe cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. … Indomestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, mydaughter thinks I need psychiatric help and myyoungest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table…. He wants to join a gang, Norm — the Bloods. He’sgot the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I wasgrowin’ up, a red bandana and a knife meant you werein the Boy Scouts.

Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangsare a big thing nowadays, Joe.

Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You’renot talkin’ to Zeke from the Creek over here. … Iwas in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. …[makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in’s in thosedays, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.

Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up]Well, I guess that’s about that, huh, Joe?

Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What’s the skinny on thatbeer?

Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?

Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.

Norm Macdonald: Oh.

Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, wego down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer,you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers,maybe sign their dominoes table. …

Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea,tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan,Joe. That – that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow,everybody!

[Cheers and applause for Joe. A new camera anglecatches Norm off guard, he flinches in surprise, putsa hand to his lips effeminately, then gathers himselfand continues:]

In Washington, D. C., several local activists aretrying to gather enough signatures by December to puta medical marijuana initiative on the ballot.Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the samething for medical crack. [Photo ofcrack-smokin’ D. C. mayor Marion Barry] …

The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week,adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. Butbefore you get too excited about the new additions tothe league, remember: all of the players are stillwomen. … [weak reaction from crowd, Normexplains:] They stink at basketball, that’s theproblem. … Other than that, it’d be a good, youknow, a good game but they’re – they’re allhorrible so it makes for a – kind of aboring game. …

Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hatecrimes after burning a man’s buggy simply because hewas Amish. If convicted, the men face up totwenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaderssay that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel!…

[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker’s dummy, with ahandwritten sign visible on a post in the background]A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of PrincessDiana’s gowns as a collector is now putting them ondisplay to raise money for charity. However, hermethod of display is being described by many asinappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: “SeeDead Lady’s Dress 50¢”] … [almost zero reaction fromcrowd, groans, someone says, “Oh, man!” in disbelief]Still, for four bits, you know, that’s a good deal….

According to a recent study published in New Choicesmagazine, the more household chores a husband does,the more likely his wife is to report having good sex.The article explains that when a man does asubstantial amount of housework, it gives his wifesome time to go out and find a real man to have sexwith. …

And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak traincollided with the back of a tractor trailer carryingbagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries werereported. However, the accident did draw protest fromthe group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand…. [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Thosepeople. …

And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary schoolteacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week tohaving sex with a sixth grade student whose child shebore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a”sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “TheGreatest Teacher Ever.” … [applause, cheers]

And that’s it, folks.

[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from hisnecktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Peter Pan

Peter Pan…..Chris Kattan
Wendy…..Ana Gasteyer
Tinkerbell…..Claire Danes

[ open on Peter Pan in Wendy’s room ]

Peter Pan: You just can’t grow up! You have to come with me to Never Never Land!

Wendy: Never Never Land? How wonderful! Peter, I’m so excited.. I’d like to give you.. a kiss. [ as Peter leans in, Tinkerbell buzzes by ] Oh, my.. what’s wrong with Tinkerbell?

Peter Pan: Why.. I think she’s jealous!

Wendy: Jealous? Of me? How funny!

Peter Pan: Yep! She’s jealous, alright! She’s flittering and scattering around Pixie Dust so much, that’s how I can tell.

Wendy: I wonder what she’s saying?

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: [ angry ] You whore! You flithy, rotten slut! You keep your bony ass away from him, you hear me, you hatchet-faced tramp! This chunk is mine, bitch! I’ve been working that man for years, trying to get some of his greens! I own that piece of..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Wendy: Look at her go! It looks like you’ve got quite a frisky fairy on your hands.

Peter Pan: Yep, that’s Tink! She’s quite a little firecracker.

Wendy: I should say so. Just listen to all that merry little tinkling!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: ..and you can just suck it! You hear that?! I’m gonna make you suck it! You do not wnat what I got! I’ll bitch-slap you! I’ll cut off your feet and mail them to your parents! And, you, Peter.. if you so much as touch that dirty piece of sailor-meat, I’ll handcuff you to a radiator and beat you with a curtain rod, you mother..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Peter Pan: Ah, Tink, you look like you got a bee in your bonnet!

Wendy: [ jumping across the room ] Oh, I wish I were a fairy! What a gay, gay time of it I would have!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell smoking a cigarette ]

Tinkerbell: What the hell have I done with my life? I’m the fairy equivalent of a thirty-eight year-old woman.. And I’ve spent most of my adult life chasing after a ten year-old in tights. I can’t read or write.. I’m named “Tinkerbell”, for God’s sake! Well, screw it! It’s time for Tink to get some booze in her gut, and her legs in the air!

[ cut to Peter telling Wendy all about Tinkerbell ]

Peter Pan: Yeah.. Tinkerbell’s been following me around for years. I give her an acorn every couple of days. She seems happy. [ Tinkerbell flies up to a bottle of booze ] Hey.. what’s Tink up to?

Wendy: [ laughing ] Oh! The silly little sprite seems to have taken a liking to Father’s brandy. [ Tinkerbell drinks the entire bottle ] Oh, naughty Tinkerbell!

[ close-up off a drunken Tinkerbell ]

Tinkerbell: [ hiccups ] You never loved me, you puke! I coulda been a dancer! Everybody said I was good enough, I coulda made it big! But, no! I had to crap it all away on you, Pan! But it all ends tonight!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh harder than ever at Tinkerbell’s antics ]

Wendy: Peter, look. Isn’t that cute! Tinkerbell’s got a knife!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh, until they notice Tinkerbell is pointing the knife straight at them ]

[ close-up of Tinkerbell holding the knife determindedly ]

Tinkerbell: Oh, yeah.. I’m drunk, and someone’s gettin’ cut! I got nothin’ to lose, do you hear me?! I’m gonna gut you like a fish! Don’t screw with me! I’m Tinkerbell!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Barry Scheck’s Clients

Barry Scheck … Norm MacDonald
Mrs. Scheck … Molly Shannon
Louise Woodward … Claire Danes
O. J. Simpson … Tim Meadows
Ted Kaczynski … Will Ferrell
Terry Nichols … Jim Breuer

[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER:Barry Scheck’s Home. Dissolve to interior of theliving room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on thesofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs.Scheck, enters.]

Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kidsare all tucked in upstairs, okay?

Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I’m gonna go to thatP.T.A. meeting. Now, you’re gonna be okay here?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legalbriefs to go over for – for my trial tomorrow, so…

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. All right, I’ll seeyou later. [they kiss]

Barry Scheck: Okay, honey.

[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work oncomputer while eating French fries. He tries to pourketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbellrings. Barry rises and answers the door. LouiseWoodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder forshaking a baby to death, enters.]

Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr.Scheck.

Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? Whatare you doing here?

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thankyou for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justiceprevailed and that’s the important thing.

Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stayin the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I’d liketo ask you a small favor.

Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.

Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?

Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we’re, ah, we’renot looking for anyone right now.

Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] Butthis ad here says you’re looking for a nanny.

Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right,well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh–See you later!

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I’ve – I’ve got myreferences right here. [offers him a filefolder]

Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?

Louise Woodward: Yes.

Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, readsit] All right, well, let’s take a look at ’em, here,your references, are, uh… Let me see, uh, “BarryScheck.” Well, that’s me. And, uh, “England.” … Thewhole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you’veactually given a phone number for England. That’s, uh- I didn’t realize that the – countries had their ownphone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don’t need anynannies, so, uh…

Louise Woodward: But – but, who will look afteryour children?

Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh,what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we,ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles anda pack of bologna. All right! See ya!

Louise Woodward: Oh, it’s really cold outthere. Could – could I please come in for a spell?

Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think aboutit there, ah– No, you can’t!

Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I’m really cold!

Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for aminute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa,Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries]Just having some dinner, here.

Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?

Barry Scheck: Ah, I’m trying to get thisketchup– It won’t come out.

Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabsbottle] See, you’ve really got to shake it. Shake it![shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it getsloose! Damn it! Why won’t the ketchup comeout?!

Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottleback] That’s my bottle of ketchup, there.

[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitteddouble murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]

O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what’s happening,man?

Barry Scheck: O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how youdoing?

Barry Scheck: O. J., what – what are you doinghere?

O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to comeby and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanksa lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]

Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem.Okay, see you later.

O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, movestoward Louise] Hey, uh, who’s the hottie?

Barry Scheck: The “hottie”? That – that’s ananny.

O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shakingthe ketchup bottle, talking to herself] … Damnketchup out of the bottle!

O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me seethat. You know, you need to stick something in there.Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takesthe bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]

Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., putthe knife down! O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on onesecond, my hands get sweaty when I’m working. [whipsout a black glove]

Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!

O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jamthe knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that’lldo it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!

[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn’t hear it – somesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J.jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchupbottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the doorand answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber TedKaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carryinga package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]

Ted Kaczynski: Mr. Scheck?

Barry Scheck: [terrified] Ahhh!

Ted Kaczynski: Hi, I’m – I’m Ted Kaczynski, youknow, the Unabomber?

Barry Scheck: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.

Ted Kaczynski: How the hell are ya?

Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I’m fine. What do youwant?

Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial’s just gettin’started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?

Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh,the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule’s really tightright now and, I–

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn’t a computer overthere, is it?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yes – NO!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh thatreminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [handsBarry the package]

Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back toKaczynski] You just hold on to that.

Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I’m just gonnago mingle. Heyyyy!

Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.

Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice,what’re you doin’?

O. J. Simpson: Ah, I’m just trying to get theketchup out of this bottle.

Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?

O. J. Simpson: Yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look onthe side of the bottle and tap the “57.”

O. J. Simpson: Oh.

Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker overher head] Does anyone want a martini?

Barry Scheck: Louise! For God’s sake! [takesshaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] Mymartini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes toanswer the door. Louise immediately picks up shakerand continues to shake it. Barry opens door.Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice TerryNichols enters.]

Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakeshands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.

Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you’d,uh, represent me …

Barry Scheck: Oh!

Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] … in theOklahoma City bombing trial.

Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I’m kind of busy withthe, uh, Unabomber.

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us getthe ketchup out of the bottle, here?

Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrateand fertilizer?

[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking themartini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in glovedhand and red ketchup spattered all over his whiteshirt, laughs.]

O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of thisketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me?[hands Barry the knife]

[Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” plays.Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlightto address the camera. As he does, the room darkensand Barry’s “guests” crowd together in the background:Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O.J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance,Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. posefor a picture.]

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I’ll never forget thatmagical night. Laughing and singing with TerryNichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber.We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up thenext morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, mybaby had been shaken, and my house had been blown uptwice. … You know, some people might call that atragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four newfriends.

[Barry rejoins his new friends. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

The Lost Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Written by: Jack Handey

[Mellow music, piano and strings. Blue water. The sunon the horizon. Sailboats glide past, silhouettedagainst the orange sky.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
Before a mad scientist
goes mad, there’s
probably a time when
he’s only partially mad.
And this is the time
when he’s going to throw
his best parties.

[Fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

A Message From the President of the United States

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Al Gore…..Will Ferrell
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Bill Clinton seated at his desk in the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As of 8:15 p.m. Eastern Time, American planes have begun bombing authorities inside Iraq. We are now at war. [ he smiles and bangs his fists on the table ] I’M JUST KIDDING! HA! Ah, I bet my approval rating just went through the ROOF there for a minute!

[ he bites his lip and turns serious ]

The real reason I’m addressing you tonight has nothing to do with Iraq, the ecomony or independent council investigations. I’m here tonight to tell you about my wife.. uh..

Hillary Clinton: [ sitting down next to Bill ] Hillary.

President Bill Clinton: Sure.. Hillary..

Hillary Clinton: Hello, America.

President Bill Clinton: Now, last year during the election, I asked Hillary, with all the respect and love a husband feels for his wife, to shut her damn mouth. It was part of my re-eelection strategy, and wouldn’t you know – it worked like gangbusters! [ laughs until he sees Hillary’s evil eye and stops ] Then, last month after Hillary turned fifty.. [ he shudders ] ..and the impending conflict in Iraq promised to get my approval rating in the upper 80’s, lower 90’s.. some advisors felt maybe I could take a hit and let Hillary speak.

Hillary Clinton: And I was thankful..

President Bill Clinton: Not yet, woman! [ pause ] I, however, said no. But then Hillary threatened to remember something that she had previously forgotten. So we came to an agreeable compromise. I have agreed to let Hillary address the nation and speak her mind freely for an entire minute. [ places an egg timer on the desk ] Just to cover my bases, though.. yesterday, I sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. I hope this will keep my approval rating up, and give me a “Hillary Buffer Zone”. [ sets the timer for “one” minute ] Citizens of America, I give you our First-Lady: Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. First, I would like to address the issue of Health Care reform. [ buzzer goes off ]

President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! Whoo! I think that went well..

Hillary Clinton: That was not a minute, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, maybe you cook an egg differently than I do.

Hillary Clinton: You know, it’s funny – I just remembered this incident at the Governor’s Ball in 19..

President Bill Clinton: Okay! [ resets timer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the First-Lady.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Bill. [ starts ] You all know I believe in Health Care. But I also believe in other issues, like rehabilitating criminals rather than putting them to death. Now, I know that sounds liberal, but..

President Bill Clinton: [ fakes a buzzer sound ] Time’s up!

Hillary Clinton: You made that sound with your mouth, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: [ stunned at the accusation ] I most certainly did not! That was one minute.

Hillary Clinton: [ to cameras ] You know, America.. I remember once in 1983, I caught Bill on all fours wearing an E.T. mask..

President Bill Clinton: [ resets timer ] Alright! Start yapping, you she-witch!

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. [ clears throat ] I feel that we have strayed from the progressive and compassionate path as a nation. Big business continues to exploit the individual..

President Bill Clinton: Except for Dow Chemical! [ gives thumbs-up ]

Hillary Clinton: Common sense has been replaced by mob mentality, and bold leadership has been replaced by public opinion polls.

President Bill Clinton: She’s crazy, right? I mean.. unless you agree with her..

Hillary Clinton: Vibrant thinking has been replaced by soulless buerocrats seeking only to rise to power.

Al Gore: [ entering ] Hi. I’m Al Gore. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: Meanwhile, our celebrity-obsessed culture is more interested in who is sleeping with who, rather than who is oppressing who.

Barbra Walters: [ entering ] Hello. I’m Barbara Walters. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: So, I call for everyone to.. [ buzzer goes off for real ]

President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! [ Hillary gives Bill a dirty look ] Damn, woman! You just tore me a new one.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate the opportunity. But there is one more thing I’d like to say.

President Bill Clinton: Sorry, we agreed.

Hillary Clinton: No, if I could just..

President Bill Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry..

Hillary Clinton: But..

President Bill Clinton: No!

Hillary Clinton: [ grabs timer and resets it ] Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
November 15th, 1997

Clare Danes

Mariah Carey

None

None

Steve Higgins

Adam McKay

Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell
A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) isn’t keen on allowing Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) to address the nation.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al gore, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Montage

Clare Danes’ MonologueSummary: Audience members express their outrage that actress Clare Danes got into Yale University with such ease.

Bio: Clare Danes (1979-). Actress; starred in the short-lived television drama, “My So-Called Life” (1994-95); film credits include: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet” (1996), “The Rainmaker” (1997), and “Shopgirl” (2005).

The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.

Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Defense lawyer Barry Scheck (Norm MacDonald) unexpectedly entertains some of his not-so-innocent clients in his home.

Recurring Characters: Barry Scheck, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczyncski.

Transcript

The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopolous, Cokie Roberts.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) provide the entertainment at their embarrassed daughter’s (Clare Danes) College Career Day.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head’s ice monster in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.

Peter PanSummary: A drunken Tinkerbell (Clare Danes) lets it be known that she’s tired of being Peter Pan’s (Chris Kattan) second banana.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Transcript

Mariah Carey performs “Butterfly”First Performed: 90d.

Mr. Peepers in the WildSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) is released into the wild to rejoin his family.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

CEO Dreamboats

Mariah Carey performs “My All”

The Southern Gals in ParisRecurring Characters: Mary Faith, Ginger Lee, Elizabeth.

The Lost Deep Thoughts by Jack HandeySummary: Jack Handey comments on the parties thrown by a mad scientist.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I’m Norm Macdonald,now the fake news, our top story tonight:

Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fianceeHeather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with BarbaraWalters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battleto have a really hot three-way. …

Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation bySaddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, PresidentClinton has issued his clearest warning yet to theIraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly wordedletter reads as follows, quote: “Should yourgovernment persist in flouting international law, Iwill have no choice but to order military action whichwill be both swift and devastating. Of course, whenthe time for military action comes, I may simplypanic, flee to England and smoke dope until the wholething’s over … But, then again, I may NOT!”…

More fallout from the recent conviction of British aupair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, herattorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legalsystem, saying, quote, “What kind of sick society dowe live in where an innocent girl is sent to prisonwhile a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?”… Kind of a– …

Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson’s Brentwood estate officiallywent on sale this week with an asking price of threepoint nine million dollars. According to realtors,some of the home’s highlights include a newlyrenovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious masterbathroom with separate sinks for murderer andmurderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]… [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]Murderer, murderee …

On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republicancongressmen formally asked the House JudiciaryCommittee whether there is sufficient evidence tobegin impeachment proceedings against PresidentClinton. In response, the president said, quote: “Hey!You know who would have the answer to that question?Vince Foster.” … [scattered applause]

With the release of over one hundred hours ofvideotape of President Clinton at campaignfundraisers, the pressure continues to mount onAttorney General Janet Reno to name an independentcounsel to investigate the president. In addition,some senators are said to be furious that, instead ofwatching the videotapes, Reno has been taping overthem with episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” …[some applause]

On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giulianicruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of thevote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits hisvictory to strict enforcement of “quality of life”ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed herdefeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlersand squeegee men. … She was expectin’ them to showup strongly. …

This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russianspace station Mir took a much-deserved break, usingtheir on-board computer to do some shopping on theInternet. Among the cosmonauts’ purchases this week: aVCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.… [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]

Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I’d like tobring out an old friend who we’ve not seen on WeekendUpdate for many years. Please welcome the president ofthe Pathological Liars Association of America –[crowd reacts with delight] — Tommy Flanagan! [Hugecheers and applause for Tommy.]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is TommyFlana– er, Flanagan, yeah. … Well,people have been wondering what I’ve been doinglately. Well, I’ve been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,just last night I went to bed– I mean, I went toTibet! Yeah, that’s it, and I – I went there topick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had athousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I tookone piece of paper out of my– and I said, “Will thisget me my shirt back?” And he said no. And I said,”Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirtback?” And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,”Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?Will this get me my shirt back?” And he said —“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” … [groans,cheers and applause for Tommy’s trademarkcatch-phrase]

So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I – I wentfor a hike and then – and then I fell down a glacier!Yeah, that’s it. Twenty thousand fee– er, miles!Yeah! … And I was frozen in the ice — to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when Icame to, who do you think was next to me? AmeliaEarhart! Yeah. … Yeah, and I said, “Hey, Amelia,how ya doin’?” And she said, “Mmm, not good.” …’Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had beenpreserved in the ice. And I said, “Well, if you let mefly your plane out of here, I’ll come back for you.”[confidentially] It was the only time I lied….

But I – I had to get out of there ’cause I was eatin’an apple– I mean, I had an appointm– I had anaudition. Yeah. … For “Boogie Nights” …Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebodyfor the last scene. … So I pulled my pants down andI said, “Eh, what do you think?” And they said,ehhhhh, “You’re overqualified.” … I said,”Oh, that’s funny — I was in a cold bath allday!” … Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah…

Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody![cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes handswith Norm and exits]

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market aPrincess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of themove has made some people very unhappy. Critics chargethat the doll is in poor taste and they’re even moreupset about the Franklin Mint’s other new offering —porcelain land mines. … You can play withthem together, if you want. …

[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrowsappear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rockmusic. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that heis quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.for seventeen years, says the decision to leave wasentirely mutual, between himself and his gianteyebrow. … [scattered applause] They talked it overand they decided it was best for both of them.

[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sadstory from the world of entertainment this week. Talkshow host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudleyafter the pooch became too aggressive with her sevenmonth old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, “Itbroke my heart to get rid of that dog. But hewas delicious.” … [groans, scatteredapplause] She ate a whole dog! …

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might bemore survivors of plane crashes if all seats wereequipped with air bags. According to the study, thisis especially true for plane crashes under fifty milesper hour. … The other ones, it doesn’t do much good….

In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school studentshave been charged with holding down a boy and givinghim a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process…. The students now face three-day suspensions aswell as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.… [scattered applause]

In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs sixhundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to housearrest because he is too big for prison. According toprison officials, it took four inmates just to rapehim. … [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]Huge man!

And, finally, when Richard Gere made his firstappearance recently on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” thetwo got along famously. But all that may change whenthe actor hears about this month’s Oprah Winfrey BookClub selection. It’s called “What Really Happened?” byRichard Gere’s gerbil. … [some disbelief mixed withapplause, cheers, boos] That’s crazy.

Okay, folks! That’s the news! Have a good -thing!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WUgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. Everything that you need to know about our world is right here in this paper. But do we read it? No. We all want to be the kind of people that read it, and say to yourself, “I’m going to start reading the Times every day”. But instead, we buy People magazine and watch Hard Copy, and life slowly slips away, doesn’t it? But don’t worry about it, because that’s what I’m here for. I’ll read the Times for you every day and break it down.

Okay, on Monday, we’ve got the President and Paula Jones. You don’t even have to know anything about this story, except that it’s the saddest scandal in history, okay, because nobody even had sex. What kind of country is it when the President can’t get people to go to bed with him.

Alright, but look here, on Tuesday, on page A3, we’ve got this guy in upstate New York who’s giving everybody AIDS. What the hell is that! I mean, on one hand, you’ve got the President coming up to girls, “Hi girls, I’m the President.” “Ewww, who cares, get away from me!” Then this guy, “Hi, I’m a crackhead homeless drug dealer. Just blew into town. Who wants to have sex?” “I do! Me too! Me next!”

Now, on Wednesday, here’s the Metro Section, we have the Bloods in New York. The Bloods – a group of guys going around cutting people. Not even just other gang members – just because you’re wearing red. Just for wearing red, they’ll cut you. I’d hate to be a department store Santa this Christmas, you know what I’m saying? You’re standing out there, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry – Ow! Son of a bitch! He cut me!” And the real Bloods in the interview, they say that these guys are just wannabes. No folks – wannabes are the two kids in Salt Lake City who wear their Utah Jazz caps backwards and listen to the Wu-Tang Clan when their parents are in church. A posse on the subway slicing people up with box-cutters? I don’t know, that seems like gang members to me. And where have the Crips been during all this? You know, the Crips are like Pepsi – you think they fired their marketing guy?

Alright. Let’s go to Thursday in the International section. What is this constant conflict with Iraq, you ask. I’ll explain the whole Iraq-global politics thing to you. Iraq is that drunk guy at the party that nobody likes, he’s kind of a creep, and he picks you out to try and ridicule you, because mostly everybody likes you, you’ve got the cute girlfriend, you’re American, you know. But he’s got a beat on you, he knows you’re a bit of a hypocrite, he makes you paranoid. You want to punch him in the face, shut him up, but that would make you look bad. And your pals, England and France, are like, “Don’t do it. Don’t sink down to his level.” So you try to be a gentleman about it and say to Iraq, “C’mon, Iraq, let’s just agree to disagree.” He smacks your hand away. So, later that night, you key his car. Or, as actually it happened, you kill his son with a missile.

Alright. Friday – let’s check out today’s sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That’s right – the last time that happened was 1995.

I’m Colin Quinn, thank you, good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

…..Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!

And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]

And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?

And we’ve got.. singing.

[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]

I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.

[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]

“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“

[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]

How you doing?

“When the world is cold–“

[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]

Lookin’ good!

“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“

[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]

“And the way you look.. tonight.”

[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]

“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”

We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!

[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”

SNL Transcripts