John Marshall, Jr……David Koechner John Marshall, Sr…..Mark McKinney
John Marshall, Jr.: [ walks through the workshop ] Pride. That’s the feeling you get from working with your hands. I guess that’s the reason my family’s been in the power tool business for over 50 years.. [ raises his arm to reveal a hook where his hand should be ] ..and why the name “Marshall” has come to mean the best in reliable power tools. When you see that Marshall name.. [ taps saw blade with his hook hand ] ..you know it means quality. [ revs up saw blade ]
[ over archival footage of the company’s history, including a quick shot of a young John Marshall, Sr. swinging a running table saw toward the camera ]
John Marshall, Jr. V/O: When my dad, John Marshall, Sr., started the Marshall Co. back in 1952, he said if a power saw isn’t twice as sharp as a diamond, and twice as fast as the competition, it isn’t worthy of the Marshall name. [ John Marshall, Sr. tosses a sharp circular blade across the room ]
John Marshall, Jr.: [ back in the modern-day shop ] Right, Dad?
John Marshall, Sr.: [ turns around to reveal false arms and limbs ] Right, Son. But it takes a lot more than sharpness and speed to stay on top for as long as Marshall has. That’s why we’ve made safety.. number one. [ lifts up robotized finger ]
John Marshall, Jr.: But you don’t have to take our word for it. Because you’ve got the guarantee of the entire Marshall Family.
[ entire family shown, all with various false arms, legs and other body parts ]
Marshall Family: Marshall! Proud to be Number One!
[ everyone in the family raises up a single hand, including John Marshall, Jr. holding up his hook hand ]
(Opens with the Spade in America with David Spade logo. David sits at his desk. Rocky Mountain Way plays)
Announcer: And now Spade in America with David Spade.
David Spade: Whoo, thanks. Good crowd, good crowd. Ok, well, as you know tonight was game 6 of the World Series. The battle of the tribes. And last Tuesday I went to Jacob´s Field in Cleveland for game 3. And before the game started I was allowed onto the field to film stuff, an honor that was only granted to only 3 VIP´s. Myself and Mike and Matty. So, here´s what happened while I was out there.
(cut to David wearing a baseball uniform in the empty stadium)
David Spade: People, you decide. Empty stadium or Foghat reunion concert.
(David is all alone in the stands)
David Spade: Slow ride!!
(Foghat´s “Slow Ride” plays)
Foghat: Slow ride, take it easy….
(cut to David talking to a couple of bat boys, one black, one white)
David Spade: Have you ever had to bring a bat to a player, that had a cracked bat?
Black Kid: Yeah, sometimes. When they start walking into the dugout, so I know the bat´s cracked so I just take whatever bat that I have in the bat rack and just take it up to him.
David Spade: Ok, have you ever had to bring crack to a player that was at bat?
(White kid cracks up, black kid has a nervous laugh)
Black Kid: No, no.
(cut to David around first base)
David Spade: You know what I can´t take? It’s these new guys that never been on TV before and they get a booky little single and they always have to haul ass around first base like it could possibly be a double. They´re like…(David runs through first base, watches towards the centerfield) “Uh, what´s that? (David turns back to first base) I´ll just head here at first” That´s right, Will. Did you think that was a double? Did anybody? That was such a single. That was so not a double. I wanna cry for you and then punch you in the face.
(cut to David talking with a security guy with sunglasses)
David Spade: Hi, I´m here with Mike Donelly who is the head of security here at Jacob´s Field here in Cleveland. Mike, I like to ask you a question. Have you ever had to arrest anyone for re-broadcasting a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball because its strictly prohibited?
Security guy: Nah.
David Spade: I have. (snickers)
(cut to David on one knee next to third base)
David Spade: You know, when you´re home watching on TV, things look different that they actually are here on the field. The bases look like square white bags on TV. But in reality they´re actually two tires placed on each other. (two small tires are on the floor) So weird. Cause on TV, (cracks up) they look like bases… (still cracking up) its a funny joke, people. We didn´t even set that up. It’s real.
(cut to a shot of The Pretenders singer Chrissie Hynde)
Announcer: And now, welcome Cleveland´s own Chrissie Hynde for the singing of tonight´s National Anthem.
(cut to David later on with Chrissie)
David Spade: Someone told me that they wanted you to sing “Back on the Chain Gang” on the O.J. trial. That´s not true, is it?
Chrissie Hynde: No.
(cut to David around third base)
David Spade: Here´s my impression of Motley Crue coming around third base. ( he jogs in slow motion) ” I´m on my way…Home Sweet Home…Tonight, tonight…(makes evil sign) I love the devil….set me free…
(cut to David with baseball star Mark Wohlers)
David Spade: Is it possible to strike out somebody with one pitch? Because I´ve seen someone do it. His name? Bugs Bunny! He goes niah, niah, niah…
(cut to famous Bugs Bunny cartoon of him pitching one slow pitch and 3 guys swing at the ball missing)
David Spade: Before the game starts and people are filing in, do you sometimes look at the stands and figure out how many people it takes to just pay your salary that night?
(Chipper Jones cracks up laughing hard)
(cut to David on the field)
David Spade: Welcome back to MTV Sandblast! Where the blue team is ahead of the red team going into the slip and slide event. Let´s watch.
(cut to David back with Chipper Jones)
David Spade: I just wanted to know if sometimes when people are standing next to you on your team do they say: (sing) “Meeeee and Chipper! Chipper Joooones! Chipper Jones, Chipper Jones.”
(Chipper laughs hard)
(cut to baseball star Tom Glavine)
Tom Glavine: This is Tom Glavine. Back to you in the studio.
(cut to David at his desk)
(Applause)
David Spade: Yeah, all right. Thank you, thank you. Tom Glavine, my correspondent. By the way, congratulations Tom on winning the MVP and Atlanta winning the World Series tonight. My thanks to the Indians and the Braves for their hospitality and I will see you next week.
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.
Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]
Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker’s Island.
Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.
Warden: I’ve decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you’re fired.
Officer Mohr: Why?
Warden: You’re, what.. 5’8″, 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6″4″, 240 pounds?
Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?
Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at theCorrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?
Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.
Warden: That’s all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?
Officer Mohr: No. No.
Warden: Now, in the 90 days you’ve worked here, how many fights you been involved in?
Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.
Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?
Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.
Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?
Officer Mohr: None.
Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..
Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.
Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.
Officer Mohr: Well, I’ll work harder, Sir!
Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?
Officer Mohr: 274 times.
Warden: Right! That’s why I think it’s better if you find other work. It’s for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.
Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?
Warden: Sure.
Officer Mohr: Well, I know it’s not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!
Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?
Officer Mohr: 89.
Warden: 89.
Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.
Warden: That’s okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.
Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.
Warden: The vast majority?!
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beatenand raped?
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: Right! You see, we just can’t have you here, Son.. it’sdisruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!
Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.
Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.
Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?
Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn’teasy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!
Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that’s the way you want it. But I’m telling you, I’ll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison – I promise! You’re not stopping me, you’re only inspiring me!
Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?
Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I’ll leave naked!
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?
Officer Mohr: I won’t need you! I’ll show you howtough I am! [ exits office ]
Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]
Alanis Morissette: [ singing ] “Do I stress you out My sweater is on backwards and inside out And you say how appropriate I don’t want to dissect everything today I don’t mean to pick you apart you see But I can’t help it There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off Slap me with a splintered ruler And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn’t there already If only I could hunt the hunter.
And all I really want is some patience A way to calm the angry voice And all I really want is deliverance Do I wear you out You must wonder why I’m so relentless and all strung out I’m consumed by the chill of solitary I’m like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out I’m frustrated by your apathy And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land If only I could meet the Maker.
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn’t give to meet a kindred Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses Falling all around…all around Why are you so petrified of silence Here, can you handle this?
[ waves her arm at the band; they stop their instruments for a single second ]
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines Or when you think you’re gonna die Or did you long for the next distraction And all I need know is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer.
All I really want is some peace man a place to find a common ground And all I really want is a wavelength All I really want is some comfort A way to get my hands untied And all I really want is some justice.”
Patrick Connoly…..Will Ferrell
Father…..Gabriel Byrne
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to the interior, St.Monica’s auditorium, where students are auditioning for the school talent show. ]
Patrick Connolly: [ singing ]
“Sending out an S.O.S.!
Sending out an S.O.S.!
Sending out an S.O.S.!”
Father: Thank you for auditioning, Patrick.. thank you.
Patrick Connolly: Just one second.. [ singing ] “Sending outan S.O.S.!”
Father: That is very good, Patrick, really..
Patrick Connolly: The Police rule!
Father: Yes, I’m sure they do. [ nudges Patrick off the stage ]Okay, that was Patrick Connolly there.. with “Sending Out An S.O.S..”
Patrick Connolly: [ jumps back on stage ] “Message in aBottle!” [ jumps off again ]
Father: ..”Sending Out a.. Message in a Bottle”.. by the Policemen.. Okay, students, and members of the faculty.. our next auditoneer for St. Monica’s talent show is.. [ reading from clipboard ] ..Ma-ry Ka-therine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ dashing in excitedly, and crashing over some folding chairs ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!! I slipped! Mary Katherine Gallagher!
Father: Mary Katherine Gallagher.. I think I have it now..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher – that’s me!
Father: Right. Uh.. everyone, can we have some attention, please, for Mary Katherine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.
Father: Come over here. What’s the matter with you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m shy. [ folds her arms and sticks her fingers behind her shirt sleeves ]
Father: Do you want to audition?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yes, I do.. Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my arms, and then I smell my fingers – like that. [ sniffs her smelly fingers ] That’s gross! That’s gross!
Father: Well, that’s very interesting, Mary Katherine, yes.. Yes. Very interesting.. [ Mary clowns around ] Now.. your grandmother..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother.. um.. I’m gonna tell you about her. She’s my.. um.. legal guardian.. and she lives in a motorized wheelchair.. and she says a bear a very striking resemblence to a very young Elizabeth Taylor.
Father: That’s true, you do. A very striking resemblence. [ looks at his clipboard ] Now.. it says right that you have a mono..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Monologue.
Father: A monologue, yes.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, “The Betty Broderick Story”, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Father: That’s very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you’re ready.. [ steps aside ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I’m sorry, I’m nervous..[ poises herself ] “I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda’s house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!
Father: [ grabs Mary Katherine’s arm ] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ breaks free and does her victorysplit ] Monologue!
Father: Good, good, girl. That was terrific. Now, you’re not still nervous, are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.
Father: That was very good, very good. Now, it says here that you’re going to do a song..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to do a song. I’m going to be doing one of my favorite songs..
Father: Well, why don’t you go ahead and do that song.. [ stepsaside ]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know “You Ask Me If I Love You”? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..
[ singing ] “You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I’d rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.
[ props her leg atop the piano, flashing her.. Father.. covers themwith his clipboard ]
“And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty’s too much.
I’ll have to close my eyes and hide..”
Father: Very good, Mary Katherine Gallagher. That was great. [ tries to move on ] Now, next..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I still have a few bars of that song, if you’d let me finish..?
Father: Sorry, you were just getting a bit carried away there.. Now, our next.. our next auditioneer..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Actually, Father, I also do gymnastics! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ crashes into a stack of folding chairs and collapses to the ground ]
Father: [ angry ] Stop it! Stop it! Control yourself, for God’s sake, woman! Control yourself!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ standing up ] I’m under control..
Father: I’m writing your name down here, look.. [ takes out hisclipboard ] Mary Katherine..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.
Gallagher. Right. You just got a little carried away there, didn’t you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.
Father: Okay.. good girl. You can go back to your class now, okay?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.. thanks, Father. [ steps away, then jumps back in for one last split ] Superstar! [ runs off, stumbling over the folding chairs once more ]
Father: Okay, everyone.. before we see Sean O’Reilly and his..[ checks clipboard ] ..step-dancing monkey.. I think we had better have a bit of a break. Don’t you, Sister? Yes.. dear God.. [ sits down on stool and covers his face with his hands ]
[ MUSIC OVER: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, Rolling Stones ]
[ Keith Richards stumbles into the kitchen, where two busty wait to assist him ]
Keith Richards: Hello. Hello, everybody. It’s about 4am, and I’m ravenous! Welcome to “Cooking With Keith”. Right here on today’s show, we’re going to be making some.. I don’t know.. something hopefully delicious. I don’t know what is going on exactly.. [ blonde on Keith’s left hands him some sort of funky-looking casserole ] Let’s have a look, then.. [ grimaces ] That doesn’t look too tasty. [ tosses it aside ] So, here today, to help us make this delectable delight, are two very dear friends of mine.. Connie, and.. what’s your name again, dear, I’m blanking..
Keisha: Keisha!
Keith Richards: Right, Lisa, right.. They’re going to be my, sort of, well, you know, culniary apostles for the duration of the program. Right. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty, then. The main ingredients in this sad meat mound are: Bacon.. a lot; some creamy corn; and my favorite, some of those false onion rings – you know, Funyons! If you’ve eaten all your Funyons – I know they’re addictive – pork rinds are good, but Funyons are better. Seriously, never, never, ever get the munchos! [ SUPER: “No Munchos Ever!!” ] Now.. the chuck. Seven and a quarter pounds.. a big-roasted chuck in the pan. I took this out of the freezer box last Wednesday, so it’ssoftened up a bit, as you can see!
Girls: Eeuugghh!!!
Keith Richards: [ pats the chuck ] Now, you see, marinating is a must, because there’s nothing more rotten than chewie.. Girls, get the booze. [ the girls pour a glass of booze for Keither, then pour the rest into the chuck pan ] Cheers! [ drinks booze ] So, the chuck is soaking, right? We’re having fun now, aren’t we? [ the girls agree ] I haven’t had this much fun since earlier today, I think?
[ coughs uproariously, the girls have to slap his back repeatedly to fix him up ]
So.. while we’re marinating.. it’s time for “Keith’s Party Tips”. [ girls hold up ice trays ] Did you know that if you make your ice with booze, it won’t dilute your drink, ’cause it adds even more booze. I got that one.. I got that one from Phil Spector! What ever happened to that cat? Right.
The next move, then, is the flour. I’ve got a good way to do this – you might want to do this yourself.. [ takes out a blade and cuts the flour into lines on the countertop ] Right? You see, cooking is like music to me – suddnely it just comes to me, right? I’ve got very little to do with it, really.. I’m like a.. well, I’m like an antenna. Right. So.. you get your flour, and you dust your chuck with it, right? And then you make it all kind of juicy, right? Keep it juicy. Now, you’ve got to put in the stuff.. [ the girls load the pan with misceelanous items lying on the countertop ] You know, we were supposed to cook a spring chicken today.. but Bill Wyman took it on a date! [ laughs ] Right. Margarine.. oh, one of me rings has just fallen in.. [ grabs the butter ] Now.. you’ve got Mr. Butter.. [ holds the container to his face and opens the lid halfway ] “Hello. Parkay!” [ laughs ] Right! [ chunks the butter container into the pan – Keisha retrives it, opens the container and grabs handfuls of butter to put into the pan ] I know you’re thinking I’ve probably got the Old-Timer’s Disease, because I’ve forgotten the creamy corn! Mr. Creamy Corn, get over here! [ grabs the creamy corn and slops it into the pan ] You put it all in here like this, see..and it goes around in a moat, all around a creamy tower. Right? Time to cook the mother! [ suddenly stands catatonic – Keisha pounds his chest, bringing him back to life ] Oh! Thank you. [ picks up the pan and turns toward the microwave ] What we’re gonna do now is.. is.. we’re gonna put it in the microwave.. [ opens the microwave and pulls out a funky dish ] Kow! What’s this?! It’s last week’s Goat’s Head soup! [ pushes it aside, and puts his Funyons dish in instead ] Right. So, you put this in here, close the door, press the zapper. Right? So.. while we’re cooking our meat for a length of time.. [ microwave sparks and sets on fire ] ..anyway.. that’s it, really. Join me next week when we’ll be making Chicken Tartar – won’t we, darling? Right.
[ Keith and girls play air-guitar as the show closes ]
Gabriel Byrne: My thanks — [ the audience is cheering much too loudly for him to speak] My thanks to Bill Bradley, Lamar Alexander, Alanis Morissette. Thank you!
[ open on married couple sitting at Doctor’s desk, as he enters behind them ]
Doctor: Ah! I, uh.. have the results of your amniocentesis here. Your blood count is perfect. Everything looks fine.
Wife: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]
Husband: Oh, thank God, Doctor! What a relief!
Doctor: So. Have you picked out a name?
Husband: Yeah. We like Sammy if it’s a boy, and Samantha if it’s a girl.
Wife: Kyle really wants a boy, though.
Husband: Oh, hey, come on! I never said that, I never said that! I mean, really, as long as it’s healthy.
Wife: As long as it has a penis.
Doctor: Well.. would you like to know what it is?
Husband: You mean, now?
Doctor: Yes. It’s up to you, of course.
Wife: I don’t know. What do you think?
Husband: What do you think?
Together: Sure!
Doctor: You have.. a boy.
Husband: [ jumps up ] Yes! Yes! A son! A so-o-o-o-o-onnnn!”
Wife: Just as long as it’s healthy, right? [ gets up ] So, everything’s okay?
Doctor: 100%. You have a normal, healthy, bisexual son. Now, we’ll see you again in four weeks. You can arrange it with Susan out front. Thank you.
[ the couple turn to leave, but the husband stops in his tracks ]
Husband: Wait.. I’m sorry, wait.. Doctor, you said normal?
Doctor: That’s right.
Husband: You said healthy.
Doctor: Yes.
Husband: You said, uh.. bisexual?
Doctor: That’s right. Oh, by the way – we validate now. Susan will stamp your ticket.
Wife: Uh.. how do you know..? You know, about the bisexual part..? [ sits back down ]
Doctor: Well, from the fetus’ genetic code. It’s all right here, if you know how to read it, of course. Your child – little Sammy – well, he’ll be straight until he’s in his mid-20’s.. then he’ll do some experimenting – it’ll last for two years, just a phase, nothing to worry about..
Wife: You can tell that? That’s incredible.
Doctor: Ma’am, we’re doing things with genetics now that seemedimpossible just 20 minutes ago. We can tell everything about ababy – his health, his gender, what he’ll look like..
Husband: Wait.. you can tell what he’ll look like?
Doctor: Oh, sure. Would you like to know? Well, of course, it’s up to you.
Wife: I don’t know..
Husband: You want to know what he looks like?
Together: Sure!
Doctor: Well, let’s see.. he’s bisexual, did I mention that?
Husband: Uh.. yes.
Doctor: Well, let’s see.. [ checks notes ] His appearance.. he’s5’10”, sandy hair.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.. and dead of a brain hemorrhage before his 62nd birthday.
Husband: Wait, hang on.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.
Wife: So he won’t be in show business.
Doctor: Well, that’s true. He won’t be in show business. Would you like to know what he will be?
Husband: [ stunned ] You can tell us what he’ll do, what he’s gonna be?
Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. You see, we’re all predisposed genetically towards certain occupations. Would you like to know? Of course, it’s up to you!
Wife: I don’t know.. do you want to know?
Husband: Why not. Yes.
Wife: Sure.
Doctor: Well, let’s see now.. he’s bisexual, did I say that?
Together: Yes.
Doctor: He’ll be one of two things. Either he’ll be a cannibalistic serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer.. or he’ll be a high school guidance counselor.
Husband: Well, I see no reason why he can’t be both.
Wife: Yes. Is there anything else?
Doctor: Well, let’s see.. bisexual.. flat feet, tone-deaf. He’ll register as an Independent, but he’ll usually vote as a Republican.
Wife: This is so incredible! I’m only in my first trimester, and I feel like I’ve already met him!
Doctor: Would you like to?
Husband: What?
Doctor: Meet him. Your son. You see, we cloned a sample of hisDNA from your visit. It’s, of course, easier than doing an ultrasound. And some parents like to keep the clones, so they’ve got twins. He’s, uh.. he’s outside.
Husband: [ amazed ] He’s outside?!
Doctor: Well, of course, it’s up to you.
Wife: You want to meet him?
Husband: Why not?
Wife: Sure!
Doctor: [ into intercom ] Send in the Will boy!
Wife: I can’t believe it! Oh, I can’t wait to hold him!
[ an adult clone in a hospital gown enters ]
Doctor: Kyle? Lynn? This is your son. Well, as you see, we’ve accelerated his growth. We can’t have a bunch of babies crawling around the place, obviously.
Clone Sammy: Um.. um.. what do you want?
Doctor: Sammy, say hello to your parents.
Husband: Hi.
Wife: Hi.
Clone Sammy: Um.. Sammy? Is that my name? Sammy? Is that the best you could do? Pul-leaze!
Husband: Well.. we were thinking something like Jacob, you know?
Clone Sammy: Jacob? Hmm.. what are we, Jews?
Wife: Well, we’re Jewish..
Clone Sammy: Oh.. [ faces the door ] Hey, Darlene? You want to meet my parents?
[ Clone Darlene enters and kisses Clone Sammy ]
Doctor: Uh.. your son met another clone, and they’ve been dating.
Clone Darlene: So, these are your folks?
Clone Sammy: Yeah. They’re Jews.
Clone Darlene: Oh, no way! Our kid ain’t growing up without aChristmas tree – I’m serious!
Wife: Your kid?
Doctor: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention – Darlene is two monthspregnant. Congratulations, Grandma, Grandpa!
Husband: You mean, we’re gonna be grandparents now?
Doctor: Oh, yes. Would you like to know if it’s a boy or a girl? Of course, it’s up to you!
Shop Owner: Well, I’m proud to announce that, despite the flash flood knocking out the main road, this is the largest turnout we’ve ever had for a reading at The Book Worm! It is noew my proud pleasure to introduce to you a man who is not afraid to celebrate the mature woman. The author of The Golden Ache is Missing You – Mr. Robin Walker!
[ the women cheer him out ]
Robin Walker: Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies, for giving respite to this.. this poet, this traveler, this dreamer. Would you take pity on me, and be my special ladies tonight? [ the women squeal with approval ] Before I read from my novel, The Golden Ache of Missing You, I’d like to share with you some of my musings. I wrote this poem last night, when I was out camping next to my dusty, vintage truck.. thinking about the special lady that I loved and.. lost. [ the women sigh ] I call this one: “Special Lady”.
[ recites ] “Night masks the great Niagra As I fall, oh fall in love with you, Special Lady. Dawn awakens over the Serrengetti but I won’t forgetti you, my Special Lady.” [ the women squeal in admiration ]
Thank you. You’re so.. You’re so special. Would anybody mind if I read a passage from my personal diary? [ no complaints ] I, uh.. I wrote this while I stared anagmatically out the window of an Iowa coffeeshop. [ reads ]
“Why is it that older women can’t see how beautiful they are? I don’t want some teenaged girl, untouched by life’s experience. Give me, instead, a woman with eyes worn from witnessing a thousand sunny days, a stomach strecthed from childbirth, her fanny spread from years of sitting behind a desk. Now that is a woman I will make love to in the bayous of Baton Rouge!!”
[ the women squeal excitedly, unable to take it ]
Ladies, before I go on, perhaps you have some questions for this weary wanderer?
[ all the women jump at the chance to ask him a question ]
Woman #1: Mr Walker!
Robin Walker: Yes. Special Lady.
Woman #1: Uh.. if it’s not too painful, Mr. Walker.. would you mind telling us about Francesca? The special lady that you loved and lost.
Robin Walker: Yes. Of course. You know,I lost her in a blizzard in Iowa.
Woman #2: What was she like? What was she like?
Robin Walker: She was.. she was the most desirable woman in the world – to me. 55 years old, long graying hair, breasts ripened by gravity, and a lot of bridgework. Oh.. how I loved her.
Shop Owner: You must miss her terribly.
Robin Walker: Yes, I do. You know, I still fantasize about what our.. future might have been like.. Sometimes, I see her at 85, working in her beloved garden, her hands swollen from arthritis. I gently take her cane, she falls into my arms. I carry her slowly up the staircase, her experienced lips meet mine in an endless kiss as I lead her to the adjustable bed. And I tease her earlobe with my tongue, and slowly run my hand along her support hose.. and I know that, without words, she is mine.. forever.
[ the women are silent ]
Woman #1: Um.. um.. we don’t like that story.
Robin Walker: I’m sorry? I.. I.. I don’t understand..
Shop Owner: Well.. you’re talking about having sex with an old lady. Like, somebody’s grandmother.
Robin Walker: I prefer to think of them as very, very mature,special ladies. I often think, sometimes, a prune is sweeter than a plum.
[ the women eeuggh ]
Shop Owner: Are you saying you want to have sex with an 85-year-old?!
Robin Walker: Yes! Why not! Love has no age!
Woman #2: I think that’s disgusting! [ everyone agrees ] Older women should not be used for your sexual fantasies!
Shop Owner: Old ladies are sweet and innocent! They don’t wannahave sex!
Robin Walker: Oh, what hypocrites you are! Oh yes, it’s fine to find middle-aged women exciting and sexy! But a women in her golden years is used up? Good for nothing but making doilies and handing out peppermints? Is that what you’re saying?
Women: Yes!!
[ the women angrily exit the bookstore ]
Robin Walker: But you’re wrong, I tell you! They’re beautiful! And desirable! I’ll tell you this – thirty years from now, you’ll be singing a different tune! Oh, yes! I understand the tangled web of women’s emotions! [ they all leave ] Ah, go, you hypocrites!
[ one Old Lady remains seated ]
Old Lady: Young man?
Robin Walker: Yes, Special Lady.
Old Lady: Would you like to have.. a peppermint?
Robin Walker: Oh, yes. I think I’d like that.. very much..
[ the Old Lady walks up to Robin, and falls into his arms as they dance in the middle of the bookstore ]
[ Music Over: “Up Where We Belong”, Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 28th, 1995 Gabriel Byrne Alanis Morrisette None Bill Bradley Lamar Alexander Colin Quinn Cheryl Hardwick Lorne Michaels Chipper Jones Chrissy Hynde Mark Wohlers Tom Glavine Paula Pell Halloween in New HampshireSummary: Republican Presidential hopefuls harass a suburban homeowner in New Hampshire on her doorstep on Halloween night. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot. Transcript
Montage
Gabriel Byrne’s MonologueSummary: As Gabriel Byrne explains that he won’t be mocked by the usual Irish stereotypes, a liquor bottle (Fred Wolf) and a potato (Colin Quinn) dance behind his back.
Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts. Transcript
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Excitable Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) auditions for school talent show. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Transcript
Cooking With KeithSummary: A stoned Keith Richards (Gabriel Byrne) hosts a cooking show with a little help from a pair of bimbos. Recurring Characters: Keith Richards. Transcript
Alanis Morissette performs “Hand In My Pocket”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) finds that he’s easily overlooked thanks to Sally Jesse Raphael. Cheri Oteri acts immature with Molly Shannon, David Spade and Norm MacDonald during her editorial. Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.
Miracles of GeneticsSummary: A doctor (Gabriel Byrne) who specializes in genetics introduces prospective parents (Mark McKinney, Nancy Walls) to the aged clone (Darrell Hammond) of their unborn child. Transcript
Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade delivers a taped report from the World Series. Transcript
Alanis Morissette performs “All I Really Want”Lyrics
Special LadiesSummary: Paying tribute to The Bridges of Madison County, romance author Robin Walker (Gabriel Byrne) reveals his preference for wooing much older ladies. Transcript
Rikers Island GuardSummary: Riker’s Island prison warden (Gabriel Byrne) dismisses a guard (Tim Meadows) with a fondness for being anally-raped by the inmates. Transcript
Air Date: