Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Mom: (entering with food) Oh, please please everyone dig in, don’t wait for me.
Paul: Mom this smells delicious. I’m starving, all I’ve had today is a smoothie.
Dad: Before we get too carried away I’d just like to welcome Karen to our home and to our table.
Karen: Oh, thank you. That is so sweet, Mr. Blake.
Dad: Please, call me Cornelius.
Karen: Well, thank you Cornelius.
Mom: I just have to say, Karen, that Paul must really like you if he’s bringing you over to the house on just your second date.
Dad: Absolutely.
Karen: Oh, well Paul and I had such a wonderful first date I thought, why not, what have I got to lose.
Paul: Well be careful, you might become the daughter they never had. Dad, do you mind?
Dad: Oh, sure. (begins cutting up Nathan’s chicken) Karen, I need to ask you something (begins chewing up chicken) is your father Dale Anderson?
Karen: Do you know my father?
Dad: I have know Dale Anderson, we have known Dale Anderson, for twenty years. We started at the same plant together. (spits chicken into PAUL’s mouth) And, ah, and then, I got transferred when the kids were really little.
Mom: Yeah, in fact I think that you guys probably played together when you were little.
Paul: The chicken is so great, Mom.
Mom: Oh, thank you sweety.
Karen: What just happened?
Paul: Oh, that, we played together when we were little kids. Kinda neat, huh?
Dad: Here comes some corn!
Paul: All right!
(DAD spits chewed up food into his mouth)
Mom: Corn is my specialty
Paul: Mmmm, mmm. Mom, you are on your game tonight.
Mom: Oh, thank you.
Karen: What are you guys doing?
Dad: I’m feeding him.
Karen: Yes, I see that. But why that way?
Paul: Karen, I thought I told you, my salivary glands don’t function properly. And on top of that, I have really weak teeth.
Mom: They’re like little pieces of chalk.
Paul: Mom, they’re not that soft. I’m not a baby.
Karen: Paul, you never told me about this.
Paul: Are you sure? I- I could have sworn I told you.
Karen: No, Paul, you didn’t tell me. I think I would have remembered if you’d told me your father chews your food for you and spits it up into your mouth!
Mom: Do you need some butter, Karen?
Dad: I know I do. (butters his bread)
Paul: Karen, did we not have a wonderful first date?
Karen: Well yes, it was great. It’s just that, you know, right now I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable.
Dad: Well you’re going to feel even more uncomfortable if you miss out on this delicious sourdough. Paul?
Paul: Yeah.
(DAD spits bread into his mouth)
Karen: Ok, isn’t there any other way you guys can do that?
Dad: He’s got no saliva!
Paul: Dad, don’t ruin this.
Dad: No, Paul, I’m not going to ruin anything, but I get tired of this! Now Karen, do you have any idea how many women Paul has brought here for dinner that just turn around and run through that front door after the first regurgitation! But you’ve stayed! You’ve stayed for three!
Paul: Dad, please!
Dad: It needs to be said, son. There’s something special about you, Karen. I could tell it when I shook your hand. But maybe I was wrong.
Clair…..Ana Gasteyer Cindy…..Julianna Margulies Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
[FADE IN on carports with MARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTEL printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]
Clair: Hi. What can I get you?
Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of em.
Clair: Long day?
Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.
Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, Ill give you two, all right? Theyre both on me. My names Clair, if you need anything.
Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, Im Cindy.
Clair: Nice to meet you.
[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindys right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]
Wayne: Uh, we couldnt help overhearing you order a Mandarin Cosmopolitan?
Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope its a drink!
[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]
Wayne: I hope its not a new car. [both laugh] Im already driving a piña colada.
[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]
Kip: My names Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.
Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.
[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]
Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.
[forced laughter]
Kip: Dont be afraid. [laughs]
Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]
Kip: No, really, dont be afraid, uh, were only kidding.
Wayne: Or ARE we?
[forced laughter]
Clair: Wayne, Kip, why dont you leave the lady alone?
Cindy: Oh, dont worry, Clair. I dont think these Muppets here could hurt me.
[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]
Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]
Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to Insult Boulevard. [points in Cindys direction] Its right over there. [both laugh]
Wayne: Good one.
[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]
Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?
Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, thats right, but why dont you just refer to me as not in a million years?
[Brothers laugh loudly]
Kip: Ouch!
Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!
Cindy: [grinning] Im going for the knockout!
Kip: You are already a knockout!
[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]
Cindy: Oh, God. I didnt think I was gonna laugh tonight!
Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.
Cindy: Well, it cant be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.
Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]
Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!
[All laugh heartily]
Cindy: Or, should I say, losah!
Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!
[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]
Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, Ill be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why dont you watch my seat?
[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]
Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!
Wayne: Hey, I dont care whose dream it is, dont wake me!
Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]
Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]
[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]
Cindy: Ohhh, Im back. I hope you dont mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]
Wayne: Um, youre ALREADY smokin.
[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]
Kip: [pointing toward his throat] Im suffering from smoke INHALATION.
Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?
[All laugh]
Kip: Yikes.
Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, youre one hot realtor, Cindy.
Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?
[The brothers are stunned to silence.]
Wayne: Uh, Ill, Ill show you my piece of land if you show me yours.
Cindy: Lets go!
[The brothers laugh nervously.]
Cindy: Lets go up to my room. Come on, Ive got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] Well smoke some pot…
[The brothers appear mortified.]
Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.
Cindy: Come on, lets take the party upstairs. I mean, isnt that where all this is heading anyway?
[The brothers fidget silently.]
Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Lets go!
Kip: Go, go, Gadget.
Cindy: [losing patience] Thats so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?
Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, whos there?
Cindy: I cant believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I cant even get laid by the Bloder brothers!
[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]
Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!
Kip: [teasingly] Why dont you tell us what you REALLY feel?
[They begin to laugh as before.]
Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!
[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]
Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?
[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[FADE IN on a slide with red, white, and blue stripes and SUPERIMPOSE caption, A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton.]
Announcer: A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton!
[FADE to Hillary standing in a modest kitchen; a bottle of Mountain Dew stands on the counter next to the sink in the background. Billy Joels song Captain Jack plays briefly in the background and then dies away.]
Hillary Clinton: [in a nasal monotone] Hello, New York!
[After a blank pause, the audience cheers wildly for several seconds.]
Hillary Clinton: This week, I officially announced my candidacy to represent your state in the U.S. Senate. And I know, if I make it here, Ill make it anywhere!
[The audience cheers loudly as Bill Clinton walks into the room behind her. When Hillary resumes, he pretends to notice the camera innocently.]
Hillary Clinton: Now, some critics called my speech wooden, and studied…
[Audience continues laughing at the President standing behind her right shoulder. He picks up a slice of pizza and starts chomping down on it.]
Hillary Clinton: …so I wanted to take this time to show you the new Hillary! The real Hillary! Up close and personal, here in my Chappaqua home, where I live with my husband of 24 years.
Bill Clinton: Dont mind me, Im just gettin a snack!
Hillary Clinton: Bill and I are here in my favorite room of the new house, the kitchen. I cant wait to prepare some food dishes in this kitchen. Such as salads and toast. Because I LOVE cooking for my family.
Bill Clinton: [leans in past her] She is ONE HELL of a cook–I swear to God.
Hillary Clinton: Bill, do you mind? Im talking to my fellow New Yorkers.
Bill Clinton: Sorry, honey. [walks off camera]
Hillary Clinton: You see? That was the NEW Hillary. The OLD Hillary would have yelled, Get out of here, you camera hog. She would have said, This is MY campaign, for once! [raises voice] I kept my mouth shut a long time for you!!
[Bill starts to re-enter the shot, but backs away in a flash at Hillarys furious tone.]
Hillary Clinton: But this is about ME!! ME!! You GOT me, Bill?!
[cheers and applause]
Hillary Clinton: But that was the OLD Hillary. Now let me point out to you some more differences between the old Hillary and the new Hillary. The OLD Hillary was rigid, and awkward.
[SUPERIMPOSE caption at bottom reading, OLD HILLARY: rigid, awkward.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is loose, and easy.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: loose, easy going.]
Hillary Clinton: Going.
[As the audience howls with laughter, Bill pours himself a glass of Mountain Dew in the background. He drinks it while she keeps talking.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was a strident womens libber.
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: womens libber.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillarys had her eyes done.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: eye job.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was dykey, and threatening.
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: dykey, threatening.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is motherly, and warm.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: motherly, warm? Over her shoulder, Bill looks at the camera in disbelief and slinks away.]
Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was driven by blind ambition and fueled by rage over her wasted potential and her husbands chronic skank-pronging!
[SUPERIMPOSE, OLD HILLARY: driven by ambition, fueled by rage, married to skank-pronger. Bill pops back in, gives a thumbs-up, and silently mouths, Thank you, thank you, thank you. He steps out again.]
Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary has shorter hair.
[SUPERIMPOSE, NEW HILLARY: new hairdo!!!]
Hillary Clinton: People of New York, I WANT to be your senator. Now, Rudy Giuliani says Im not a real New Yorker.
[Bill steps back in wearing a Yankees cap.]
Hillary Clinton: To which I say: [in Brooklyn accent] Ey: fuhgedaboudit! I LOVE New York!!
[Bill bursts out laughing hysterically and puts a hand on her shoulder.]
Bill Clinton: [gives thumbs-up] She is SO good, AND charming… [steps back]
Hillary Clinton: I WANT to be your senator!
[Bill starts beckoning the camera toward him. While Hillary continues droning, the camera zooms slowly in on him and crowds her out completely.]
Hillary Clinton: Im a new woman, and a new Democrat, and I want to BE your senator. For the first time in my life, I am gonna step out of my husbands shadow, and finally say…
Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, its Saturday Night!!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 20th, 1999 November 20th, 1999 Sting None John Carpenter Cheb Mami Donald Trump’s AddressSummary: Announcing his bid for President, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) names “Who Wants to be a millionaire?” winner John Carpenter as his running-mate. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Montage
Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston didn’t bring boyfriend Brad Pitt with her this time around, but she does initiate her own version of “Fight Club” with the female cast members. Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Helen Madden, Gayle Gleason.
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Computer tech Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) makes fun of his company’s dumb employees. Recurring Characters: Nick Burns. Transcript
Wayne PorterSummary: Island castaway Wayne Porter (Chris Parnell) seeks re-election.
PrivolinSummary: While at a business meeting, Angela (Jennifer Aniston) breaks the fourth wall to talk about genital herpes.
Sex and the CitySummary: Carrie Bradshaw (Jennifer Aniston) tries to seduce Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) reads a few lines from his biography. Colin Quinn and Tracy morgan engage in a subliminal race debate. Recurring Characters: George W. Bush. Transcript
Sting performs “Brand New Day”
Christmas UrchinsSummary: Urchins-for-hire, Peter (Jennifer Aniston) and Pip (Rachel Dratch) beg to their renters’ delights.
Kim PlunkettSummary: Kim Plunkett (Will Ferrell) runs again Wayne Porter for island leader.
Pokemon ParentsSummary: Mother (Jennifer Aniston) yells at her son for not caving in to the Pokemon fad. Transcript
Jennifer Aniston: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting”Saturday Night Live”.. and I say “finally”, because I’m the fifthcast member, I think it is, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I askedthe other four if they had any advice, and they said, “Just relax, havefun, and stay away from that Chris Kattan!”
[ Guy in Audience interrupts ]
Guy in Audience: Jennifer? I’m a big fan of the show “Friends”, and I was wondering, in reallife, are you all really friends?
Jennifer Aniston: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me ofthe fifty other people who ask me that every day! [ spots Womanin Audience with a question] Uh, yeah?
Woman in Audience: Hi! Is your boyfriend Brad Pitt gonna be heretonight?
Jennifer Aniston: No. No, Brad is not here – he’s actually in Londonpromoting his new movie “Fight Club”. Hey, you know what, by the way?That restraining order is still in effect, Misty. And you know what?Nothing personal here, but I don’t really feel like doing this question-and-answerthing any more, so.. uh.. [ retreats backstage ]
Molly Shannon: Hey.
Jennifer Aniston: Hey, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Are you okay, Jennifer?
Jennifer Aniston: Yeah.
Molly Shannon: It seems like you just sort of bailed there on themonologue.
Jennifer Aniston: Oh.. well, it’s just that I get so tired ofanswering those questions, you know?
Molly Shannon: Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help youwith?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, you know what, actually there is. I wantyou to hit me as hard as you can.
Molly Shannon: Excuse me?
Jennifer Aniston: If you want me to have a good show, I want you tohit me as hard as I can.
Molly Shannon: Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don’t know.. uh.. [ punchesJennifer’s breast ]
Jennifer Aniston: Hey! Ow! That was my boob! [ pinchesMolly’s breasts ]
Molly Shannon: Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don’tthink I’ve ever felt so alive! [ punches Molly’s face ]
Molly Shannon: [ angry ] I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady![ shoves Jennifer ] You want some more of that, “Rachel”? [ Jennifer punches back, but Molly returns the attack with a blow to thehead with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Molly by the hiar and rams her headinto the cast lockers. Ana Gasteyer and Cheri Oteri run in to stop the fight. ]
Ana Gasteyer: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?
Molly Shannon: No, it’s okay. Jennifer just asked me to..
Jennifer Aniston: No, no, no, no! First rule of “Fight Club”: “Donot talk about ‘Fight Club’!” Or wait a minute.. is it “talkabout it”? I don’t know.. I haven’t seen it. Isn’t that awful?
Ana Gasteyer: Wait a minute. How do we join “Fight Club”?
Cheri Oteri: Yeah! I want a piece of that!
Jennifer Aniston: Well, it’s actually very simple. You and I justbeat the hell out of each other!
Cheri Oteri: Okay! [ throws a punch at Ana ] You oughtta calmdown, Olive Oyl!
Ana Gasteyer: Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Munchkin! [ swats at Cheriwith a paint can ] Hey, this is fun, I like this!
[ Cheri grabs Ana by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pullsout a lock of her hair ]
Jennifer Aniston: [ elated ] Ooh, Martha Stewart got her ass kicked!
Molly Shannon: I like “Fight Club”! [ does her Mary Katherine GallagherSuperstar jump ]
[ Jennifer shoves Molly to the ground, as Ana and Cheri continue to scuffle ]
Rachel Dratch: [ interceding ] Hey, what do you guys think you’re doing?!
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] What’s it to ya, new meat, huh? [ punches Rachel ]
Rachel Dratch: I’m gonna tell Lorne!
Jennifer Aniston: Whoa-oa! Second rule of “Fight Club”: “Don’t tellLorne about ‘Fight Club’.”
Cheri Oteri: [ laughing deviously ] Hey, Rachel, look at this..[smacks Rachel in the jaw ] “Fight Club”!
[ Molly cracks a chair over Rachel’s back ]
Ana Gasteyer: Hey, “Featured Player”! [ cracks a ladder over Rachel’shead ]
Rachel Dratch: [ reeling in the excitement ] This is FREAKIN’ awesome!
Jennifer Aniston: She’s mine now! [ breaks a plywood boardacross Rachel’s back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base ] Alright.Any more questions? I didn’t think so. We got a great show, Sting is here..and, if you want, we will kick his tantric ass, too! Stick around,we’ll be right back.
Female Employee…..Jennifer Aniston Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Female Employee: Oh, damn it! It crashed again. Hey, did somebody call Nick Burns the computer guy?
Male Employee #1: I called him about half hour ago. He told me to hold my horses.
Male Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Female Employee: Well you know what, I don’t like this new program. It’s crap. I don’t know why we switched.
Nick Burns: Because the new program is written for OS8 and can function twice as fast. Is that enough reason, Nancy Drew?
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Okay, all right, all right, what’s wrong with the computers?
[ everyone talks at once, making it hard for Nick to understand ]
Nick Burns: Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one command at a time here.
Male Employee #2 I have a question Nick, I’m trying to do this quarterly, I just, I can’t get the stupid e-mail package to open at all.
Nick Burns: It’s the e-mail that’s stupid, not you right? What does it say when you try to open it?
Male Employee #2 It can’t find the appropriate program to open the file.
Nick Burns: This is 6.0 version, you didn’t upgrade yet, did you genius? Just use the translation file for it?
Male Employee #2 Where’s that?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Done. Was that so hard? Boy I’m so glad I came down here, it’s really worth my trip. Whose next?
Male Employee #1 Hey Nick, how’s it going?
Nick Burns: Oh great, really great. I love teaching people remedial computers here. You guys should be wearing helmets or something?
Male Employee #1 I’m having trouble with my printer, all my stuff keeps going on that printer in marketing.
Nick Burns: Oh, is the walk killing you here buddy (pats Sanz’s belly)? Just get better shoes, that’s all.
Male Employee #1 It would be easier if it were here. I had my print monitor up here.
Nick Burns: Tried to use the print monitor huh? That didn’t work did it? Print monitor, no.
Male Employee #1 No it didn’t.
Nick Burns: That’s cause the print monitor, monitors the document you’re printing. It doesn’t tell what printer the direction it’s going to go to.
Nick Burns: Just scroll your chooser.
Male Employee #1 That thing you pull down?
Nick Burns: The thing you pull down? You mean Apple file? Do that.
Male Employee #1 I didn’t know what it was called.
Nick Burns: Obviously. You go to your chooser, go to the printer, pick your zone, and pick your printer.
Male Employee #1 Hold on, I’m on the chooser. Okay. Is this the zone here?
Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] … See where it says “4” and “FL”. That’s fourth floor. That’s where we are, we’re on the fourth floor. That’s it. You pick that one. Is that so hard? Geeze Louise, I can’t wait to get my NTSC and quit this job. [ steps over to the Female Employee’s computer ] What’s your problem?
Female Employee: Well, it just crashes every time my screen saver comes up.
Nick Burns: Alright, let’s run a test, just type in: XY.VIOLATOR/467 F47
Female Employee: Type in?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Okay, here. Do you want me to save your game of Minesweeper here?
Female Employee: Nope, you don’t have to, you don’t have to.
Nick Burns: Okay, thanks. Instead of playing a game, God forbid we read the manual. Have you people ever seen computers before? What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.
Female Employee: Yeah, I know about computers, okay. I’m on the Internet at home.
Nick Burns: Let me guess, you’re on AOL?
Female Employee: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
Nick Burns: Nothing, except it doesn’t understand Java scripts. [ laughs ] … God I wish someone were here who knew about computers, ’cause that would have gotten a laugh. [ fiddles with her computer ] Damn it crashed, what is this? Move!
Female Employee: You’re already sitting there.
Nick Burns: Yeah, shut up. [ computer sounds ] What the hell is wrong with this thing?
Female Employee: Hey look everybody, the great computer guy doesn’t know what’s wrong.
Nick Burns: I’ll figure it out. Just trust me. I’ll do it, right here.
Female Employee: What’s the matter there wizard? You’re new program not working?
Nick Burns: It’s not the program. It’s not the program. Don’t say it.
Female Employee: Oh no it’s not? You’re sure? You’re sure?
Nick Burns: I just have to check the recent applications. Did you install a Dilbert screen saver?
Female Employee: Yeah, I love Dilbert.
Nick Burns: Well you already had flying toasters on there. There’s a conflict. That’s whats causing your computer to crash. Not our software. Damn, I’m good.
Female Employee: I didn’t know you couldn’t have two screen savers.
Nick Burns: Obviously. That’s why our systems are corrupted here. Problem solved. [ his pager beeps ] It’s those goofs over in Organizational Development. They make you guys look like braniacs over there. I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome!
Theme Song: “Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
[ Little Doogie walks through the door upon returning from “Pokemon: The First Movie” ]
Dad: Tell us, Son: what did you think of the movie?
Doogie: [ bummed ] It was stupid!
Mom: Stupid? Well, what about your buddy Jaimie? What did he think of the movie?
Doogie: He liked it.
Dad: Yeah? I bet Jaimie was jealous when he saw your holographic Charizard, huh?
Doogie: Yeah, he traded me for it.
Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.. You traded your holographic Charizard?
Mom: [ appalled ] But Charizard is the coolest Pokemon. And you traded it? For what? What, are you stupid? What did you get in return?
Doogie: These. [ holds up cards ]
Mom: [ grabbing the cards ] What are these? Let me see.. [ looks at card ] A Metapod. Great! Terrific! You know what its power is – it hardens. That’s really gonna help you in the battle to become a Pokemon master. [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, and Magnamite – great! What a coup! [ tosses card ]
Dad: [ sarcastically ] I wonder how you ever talked Jaimie into giving up a Magnamite in exchange for a Charizard?
Mom: [ looking at next card ] Hey, and look here, honey – another Metapod! You can never have enough Metapods, can you, Doogie? [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, well, at least you got a Diglett! He can’t change forms, his power is digging. Son, you are just a dumbass!
Dad: Son, she’s right. You’re a buffoon.
Mom: You know what? I’m gonna call Jaimie’s mother and get those cards back for you.
Doogie: I don’t care! I don’t even like Pokemon! [ his parents gasp ]
Mom: Oh, that’s great. So you’re just gonna be the weird kid in school, is that it? Well, let me tell you something – it’s not fun being the outcast, okay? I didn’t like REO Speedwagon in school, and people thought I was strange. Luckily, I had a nice rack, so I was able to overcome it! What are you gonna do?
Dad: Son, you’re not good-looking like your mother. How do you expect to make friends?
Mom: I did not spend fourteen hours in labor so I could give birth to the stupid kid in school!
Dad: Honey, you’re absolutely right. He’s gonna be the creepy kid. He’s going to be the one everyone hates.
Mom: I can see it now – you’ll be 35, living in a trailer, smacking your Common Law wife; she’ll call the cops, they’ll show up, and find you in your meth lab. Is that what you want?
Doogie: No.
Mom: Well, you’d better get it together, Mister!
Dad: Son, your mother and I are just so disappointed in how you turned out. I think you’d better go to your room and think about being a normal kid. Okay?
[ Doogie goes to his room ]
Mom: And I’m gonna come in there and check on you! You’d better be reading that Harry Potter book!
Dad: [ sighing ] I’m not sure about this kid, Honey. I just wish we could trade him in.
Mom: Oh, wouldn’t that be cool? You know, we could get one of those Asian kids. I mean, they’ve got great powers, they’re quick learners, and they assimilate well.
Father: My, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.
Roberta: And me.
Father: Yes, and Roberta too.
Mother: Oh, we’re so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.
Roberta: It’s from the Burlington Coat Factory.
Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?
Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father’s firm. I’m in charge of all the company’s debts.
Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn’t have any place to go. Several times actually.
Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It’s a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn’t allow pets aboard its vessels.
Mother: Oh, you have pets?
Sarah: Mom, mom, don’t.
Roberta: I have… I have 8 cats. There’s Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus–
Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?
Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He’ll only eat Fancy Feast.. It’s funny, ’cause he’ll only eat Fancy Feast—
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is–
Roberta: From the commercial!
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..
Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?
Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?
Father: Yes I did.
Roberta: Dear Jesus–
Sarah: We’re Jewish.
Roberta: — savior of the world. I’d like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I’d also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I’ll be able to take home to my cats.
Father: Okay, let’s eat.
Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He’ll only eat–
Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!
Roberta: Amen.
Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I’d be most grateful.
Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!
Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.
Mother: Sarah, it’s such a shame that Richard couldn’t join us tonight.
Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.
Mother: Oh, that’s so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!
Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?
Sarah: Nope.
Roberta: Don’t count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.
Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.
Roberta: It’s funny, because they hadn’t washed the sheets.
Sarah: I’m sory, how was that funny?
Roberta: You didn’t let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.
…..Colin Quinn George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell …..Tracy Morgan
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Come on!…Ha!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Before President Clinton boarded the Air Force One flight from Athens earlier today, the Secret Service received an anonymous threat against the plane. Looking for anything suspicious, agents asked all passengers if their belongings were ever out of their possession, or if they were asked to carry anything on board by this woman. [photo of Hillary Clinton]
In a New Yorker article this week, Al Gore criticized Bill Clinton for being too political, saying, quote, “Bill Clinton sees a car going down the street and says, ‘What are the political implications of that car?’ I think, ‘How can we replace the internal combustion engine on that car?'” Clinton angrily denied Gore’s characterization of him, insisting that when he sees a car, he thinks, “How far back do the seats go?” [some cheers, scattered applause]
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush made his first foreign policy speech yesterday in Simi Valley, California, emphasizing that the United States needs to set priorities on the world stage. Bush believes that the U.S. needs to concentrate on the Far East, Russia, and “you know, that other one that looks like a shoe.”
In international news, the [semi-Irish accent] Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But you know, that’s probably just the booze talking. [cheers and applause]…[sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah. Funny….Funny to you, and I gotta go to those fire department fundraisers and catch a few shots in the face.
Hoping for future membership in the World Trade Organization, China reached a trade agreement with the United States this week that is being opposed by American unions as a, quote, “job killer.” Whatever happens with the agreement, however, U.S. experts warn you have to be careful when dealing with a closed culture steeped in ritual, family, and distrust of outsiders — the Teamsters.
Yesterday, John Carpenter, a – an Internal Revenue Service employee, became the first contestant to win the million-dollar prize on ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Carpenter said that, despite his windfall, he won’t quit his job at the IRS, but rather looks forward to going back to work, and harassing himself out of all the money he’s won. [cheers and applause]…Yeah! Where is he?
In his just-released biography, Texas governor George W. Bush says his image as a party animal is, quote, “vastly overblown.” As opposed to our curs – current president, who’s just vastly overblown. [cheers and applause]
The title of Bush’s biography, A Charge to Keep, was taken from a painting that hangs in the Texas governor’s office. Bush said he got the idea of naming the book after a work of art after reading Dan Quayle’s autobiography, Dogs Playing Poker.
Joining us now to discuss his new autobiography, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush!
[pan over to George, who is a bit nervous and has a copy of his autobiography on the desk]
George W. Bush: Thanks, uh…thank you, uh…don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.
Colin: Colin.
George: I said not to tell me, dammit! Colin! All right….Right, I knew that.
Colin: Now…
George: Yeah.
Colin: …Governor Bush [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs, scratches his nose, then takes a couple deep breaths]…Governor Bush, first off…how do you have time to write a book while you are governor of Texas and a full-time presidential candidate?
George: Well, Col, I only sleep about 45 minutes a night. [laughs] Plus, the book itself only took two days to write.
Colin: Two days? The book’s over 250 pages!
George: I was a little wired that week! [laughs] Uh…I’ve been doing some partying. [makes a big, goofy smile and laughs very quietly]
Colin: I see….So, uh, tell us about the book.
George: Well, well, it sells in bookstores for 23 dollars, but it has a street value of 65. And it’s, uh, an in-depth exploration of my entire life, except for some minor details, like what I did in the ’70s and the early ’80s. [laughs, then sniffs twice] Woo!
Colin: Well [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs twice] …what did you do in those days?
George: [worried] Who wants to know? Did somebody ask you to ask me that?
Colin: No!
George: Are you affiliated with a law enforcement organization of some type?
Colin:No!
George: [relieved] Okay. Okay, Colin, I trust you. I trust you. You know, you’d have to tell me if you were a cop, right? Yeah. Okay. Man! It is hot in here, isn’t it? [takes off his sportcoat] Do you mind? Do you mind?
Colin: No, uh…
George: Thanks.
Colin: …go ahead.
George: I’m sweating up a storm in here. [loosens his tie] I am sweatin’! Woo! My heart is…my heart is racin’! [unbuttons and takes off his shirt] Racin’ like a race dog! I’m burnin’ up! [cheers] I’m burnin’ up! Hey, listen…if – if – if anyone calls for me, I’m NOT HERE, OKAY?! I’M NOT HERE!
Colin: If you say so, okay!
George: Is it cool if I do a couple lines?
Colin:What?!
George: A couple lines of my book! A couple lines of my book! My book!
Colin: Oh, sure, go – go ahead. [some applause]
Geoge: Yeah! [opens his book and sniffs the pages]
Colin: Wh…what are you – what are you doing?!
George: Col, I love that new book smell, I love it!…I love it!
Colin: Put that away!
George: I love it!
Colin: George Bush, everybody!
George: My dad’s here?
Colin: No, that’s you! Governor…
George: Oh, right, no, I know that.
Colin: …George Bush!
George: I know that. I know that.
Colin: Facing a protracted legal battle in Maryland this week, Linda Tripp launched a fundraising Internet site designed to pay her mounting legal bills. Interestingly, her online moneymaking scheme works opposite to other websites; in it, Linda Tripp appears naked, and you have to use your credit card to get her to put her clothes back on. [some applause]
Also hitting the campaign trail this week– ah!…Former New York Knick and presidential hopeful Bill Bradley, who returned to Madison Square Garden with other NBA greats this weekend for an event which netted 1.5 million dollars for his campaign. He would have raised another million dollars, but he missed his second shot from half court.
This week…Robert Reich, who served as Secretary of Labor in the Clinton-Gore White House, chose to endorse Bill Bradley for president instead of [one audience member applauds] his former colleague, Al Gore. Gore dismissed the endorsement, saying it was just right to pay back for the relentless “Mini-Me” jokes. [scattered applause]
England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine, and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.
[photo of new $10 bill] The Treasury Department Tuesday unveiled an updated version of the ten-dollar bill, which will incorporate new security features to confuse and deter counterfeiters. [portrait of Alexander Hamilton replaced with photo of Chris Gaines; scattered applause]
According to Senate records, Arizona senator and presidential hopeful John McCain has the worst attendance record in the Senate this year, having skipped 36 percent of the first 365 floor votes. And what I want to know is: who’s the spoiled brat hall monitor who snitched on him? [photo of Al Gore]
It was reported this week that whi – when the New York Knicks were in South Carolina before the 1996 playoffs, an Atlanta strip club owner allegedly sent topless dancers to the team to perform sexual favors for the players. Evidently, the dancers were so accommodating, that even Patrick Ewing scored in the last two minutes. [some applause]
Pop superstar Michael Jackson announced last week that he plans to publish a text…a text-and-picture book, celebrating his, quote, “love of children.” The working title of the book: People’s Exhibit A. [some applause]
This week, one story touches on the most divisive issue in America: Jesse Jackson’s protest of the expulsion of seven black students from a Decatur, Illinois high school. Can these racial issues be discussed in an open, honest manner? They can, here on “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight, our own Tracy Morgan.
[pan over to Tracy]
Tracy Morgan: [waves to the audience] Hey!…How you doing, Colin?
Colin: Hi, Tracy. I want to thank you for agreeing to join me for this frank and open racial discussion.
Tracy: Colin, we’ll never understand each other unless we start saying what’s really on our minds.
Colin: Absolutely. Now, don’t you think Reverend [subtitle: “Everybody’s a reverend with you people.”] Jackson…is creating a racial conflict where it doesn’t exist?
Tracy: Well, you know, this is not a racial [subtitle: “Yes it is.”] issue. Reverend Jackson made that clear.
Colin: Oh, I know it’s not! [subtitle: “Oh yes it is.”] Race just confuses the issue, really.
Tracy: But I understand white people’s concerns with this type of demonstration. [subtitle: “Be afraid, Colin. Be very afraid.”] Still, the penalty was too severe. What about alternative schooling?
Colin: Listen. I agree that these kids need alternative [subtitle: “Prison.”] schooling. There have to be options!
Tracy: Exactly. And as long as people like you and I can work together [subtitle: “‘Til my sitcom on the WB.”] and have these open and honest conversations about race, only good can come of it.
Colin: You’re right. I guess we [he and Tracy smile broadly and shake hands while facing the camera] cleared that up! [subtitles in front of him and Tracy: “He’s one of the good ones.”]…Tracy Morgan, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! [Tracy flashes the peace sign] Good night!
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