Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 4th, 1999 Christina Ricci Beck None None A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) rates the Republican frontrunners for the 2000 election. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Christina Ricci’s MonologueSummary: Christina Ricci is joined onstage by her less successful twin sister, Petina Ricci (Rachel Dratch). Transcript
Spartans Holiday ParadeSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer needlessly at a holiday parade. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
And So This Is ChanukahSummary: Popular musical artists perform Chanukah-based song parodies. Recurring Characters: Bing Crosby, David Bowie, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Ricky Martin. Transcript
Who Wants To Eat?Summary: Middle Eastern emcee Rajneesh Philbin (Darrell Hammond) taunts starving contestants. Transcript
Taxicab ConfessionsSummary: A cab driver (Tim Meadows) is distracted by a sexy teenaged passenger (Christina Ricci).
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Robert Smigel, the characters on “Friends” continue to drink and coffee and josh with one another as the apocalypse strikes New York.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: WTO Spokesman Jacob Silj (Will Ferrell) talks louder than expected. Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj. Transcript
SallySummary: Sally Jesse Raphael (Ana Gasteyer) enlists the help of Sergeant Frank (Tracy Morgan) to reform teen punk, Amber (Christina Ricci). Recurring Characters: Sally Jesse Raphael. Transcript
Beck performs “Sexx Laws”
Madeline Kahn TributeSummary: A clip of Madeline Kahn as the Bride of Frankenstein, singing “I Feel Pretty”, marks her recent passing. Note: Clip from 05/08/76.
Lou Bega…..Tracy Morgan Tori Amos…..Molly Shannon D’Angelo…..Tim Meadows Bing Crosby…..Chris Parnell David Bowie…..Jimmy Fallon Britney Spears…..Christina Ricci Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer Ricky Martin…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: Tonight, following the “Howard Stern Radio Show”, it’s awhole new holiday music special: “And So This Is Chanukah”. Come celebratethe Jewish Festival of Lights, with your favorite musical stars singing yourfavorite holiday songs – including Lou Bega, performing his hit single,”Chanukah #5″.
Lou Bega: [ singing ] “A little bit of Chanukah in my life.. A little bit of dreidel by my side.”A little bit of geld is all I need.. A little bit of macabe is what I see.”
Announcer: It’s the greatest Chanukah special ever! Withappearances by Dr. Dre, Andrea Bocelli, Korn, 98 Degrees, Amy Grant, MasterP, Waylon Jennings, and Blink-182. Featuring an original holiday balladsung by Tori Amos!
Tori Amos: [ singing ] “Excuse me, but can I be a Jew for a while? you get to celebrate Chanukah, which last eight nights. You get more presents than you do for Christmas, but then again, you can’t eat pork. And it’s been years. Kosher all these.. Years go by, and I still feel Jewish..” [ starts humping her piano and licking her microphone ]
Announcer: You won’t want to miss this sexy Chanukah ballad performed by D’Angelo!
D’Angelo: [ singing ] “Lemme tell you about this girl, maybe I shouldn’t.. I met her in Brooklyn, and we ate potato latkes. My Chanukah baby, I get high off your lovin’, Tell me what’s menorah. I want your Chanukah bush. I want your Chanukah bush.”
Announcer: Thid all-star holiday musical salute includesnever-before-seen footage of Bing Crosby and David Bowie performing theclassic “Little Dreidel Boy”.
Bing Crosby: Mr. B-b-b-bowie? How about you and me sing a littleholiday tune for the Hebrews?
David Bowie: Whatever you want, Bing..
Together: [ singing ]
“I have a little dreidel, a-rum-pa-pum-pum. I made out clay, ba-rum-pum-pum, ba-rum-pum-pum, ba-rum-pum-pum..” David Bowie: “Why am I singing.. with Bing Crosby?” David Bowie: “We’re not Jewish..” David Bowie: “This is messed up..”
Announcer: With an inspirational holiday prayer by Britney Spears,Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion.
Britney Spears: Okay, y’all.. Chanukah is special holiday, where we, as Christians, take time out to think about forgiving our Jewish friendsfor killing our Lord. Oh, and on December 12th, I’ll be appearing atSix Flags over Tulsa!
Mariah Carey: Um..Chanukah is a time to celebrate.. um.. what wehave as individuals. In my case, I celebrate my great hair, my great ass,and my reat right side of my face. [ shakes it ]
Celine Dion: To all my Jewish friends back in Quebec, I would liketo say, “Joyeaux Chanukah!” Not bad, eh? Huh?! Good, huh? You know, Iwill never forget the time I asked my mother, “What is Chanukah?”And she say, “Celine, it’s a holiday celebrated by people who own all themovie studio and the plane.” You go, girlfriend! Huh, pretty good, eh?
Announcer: It’s classic Jewish holiday music, performed by singerswho are allrepresented by Jewish management. Including Kid Rock,Shania Twain, Creed, Terence Trent D’Arby and Dixie Chicks. Along withyour favorite Latino Chanukah song, performed by Ricky Martin!
Ricky Martin: [ singing and dancing ] “Woke up in New York City, next door to a bagel shop. What is a Chanukah dreidel, keeping work for a spinning top. You eat potato pancakes for eight days and eight nights. So come and celebrate this holy festival of lights. Outside, inside out, let’s all dance the horah. Happy Chanukah, come on light the menorah!
Announcer: “And So This Is Chanukah”. Presented by CBS and Target.It don’t get more Jewish than that!
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. I’d like to speak toyou tonight, because this week the Bill Clinton presidency suffered a crisisin leadership. It’s been a bad week. First, this Chechnya thing’s gettingme down. People keep asking me questions, like “What am I gonna do?” Idon’t know! I mean, I don’t have a position. And then I looked everywherefor that new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue – you know, the one with thenaked lady? I couldn’t find it. And then, there was that thing up inSeattle – that sucked! I mean, on the one hand I support free tradeand globalization; but on the other hand, I like pot-smoking hippies whomarch in the street. I do! I always have! And, once again, I don’tknow what my position is.. and then I thought about it, and then I rememberedmy position – I.. don’t.. have one!
I thought, maybe, you know, I’m not fit to run this country. Maybe I’m a badpresident. Maybe there are better people for the job. But then I sawsomething that made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Did any of youhappen to see the Republican debate, up there in New Hampshire? [ laughs ]Probably not. But I did! And it was a doozy! Man, the sparks flew! Checkthese guys out.. [ file video of the six Republican candidates is shown ] Ihaven’t seen six men in dark suits look like that since.. “Reservoir Dogs”!The Republican Party is back! Boy, yeah, ooh, I’m gonna vote for ’emall! [ laughs ] Now, I am kidding here, but these guys were great.Now, you all know how I feel about Al Gore. He’s as dull as sober missionarysex with someone you know. [ disgusted ] But, after watching that debate,I do believe that in a Presidential Race, a dead mule could beat their topmule. But since we don’t have a dead mule, we’ll have to go with Al Gore.Let’s take a closer look, for those you who may have missed the debate.
[ file video of John McCain ] First up: Senator John McCain, a war hero.The man spent five years in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp. The Viet Conghad him for five years! Come on, people, didn’t you see “TheManucharian Candidate”? Well.. me neither.. but, remember “Naked Gun”, whenReggis Jackson was brainwashed to kill the Queen? Well, what if he wasbrainwashed to kill the President, and he is the President! Thinkabout that the next time you’re high.
[ file video of Orrin Hatch ] Well now, here’s Orrin Hatch. He’s a fine,upstanding man, he’s been in politics for a long time. But he hasone big problem: his name is “Orrin Hatch”. “President Orrin Hatch“?I mean, it sounds weird. You can’t be president with a name like”Orrin Hatch”!
[ file video of Steve Forbes ] What about Steve Forbes? Look at this man..If this man sat next to you on a plane, you’d pretend you were sleeping.[ laughs ] He looks crazy! Someone should ask him about marijuana.I mean, he looks like someone at a 7-11 after a midnight showing of “Fritzthe Cat”. You ever see that, staring at the Dolly Madison cakes for tenminutes? [ laughs ]
[ file photo of Gary Bauer ] Now, this was the most confusing momentof the debate. Who the hell is this guy?! He looks like a ventriloquistdoll. Does that scare you? It scares me.
[ file video of Alan Keyes ] “Oh, hello, I’m Alan Keyes, I’m running forPresident, I think everyone’s a racist, vote for me!”
[ file video of George W. Bush ] Then there’s frontrunner George W. Bush.How can we vote for this guy over Al Gore? Al Gore is a family man, aclean, upright public servant. His whole life he’s wanted to help peopleand do good. Now, look at George Bush. He’s evasive, he’s not that smart,he probably doesn’t have any true convictions.. he’s not saying it, but weall know he probably spent years down there in Texas snorting everythingthat came across the border. This man who claims to be a moral leader isnothing more than a slow Southerner with a questionable past, who’s afraidto take a psoition on anything! [ realizes he’s just describedhimself ] I love this candidate! [ laughs ] I’m voting for him!Screw Al Gore! I know what’s right for this country, and it is”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Rajneesh Philbin: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Helloonce again, everybody. It’s our third week, here in Koralla, andwe’re a smash hit! Can you believe it? Now, let’s meet ourfabulous contestants. [ contestants are shown ] Sianuk Mustafa fromBangladesh, Sonja Kradevic from Bosnia, and, from Ethopia, Kimba. Alright,now you know the format – the person who gets the following question rightin the quickest time will play for actual food! Here we go. “Placethe following symptoms of starvation in the correct order, starting withthe earliest: A. Cramping, B. Distended Belly, C. Hallucinations, D. ApathyToward Flies.” [ contestants select their answers ] Okay, now let’s seethe correct answer: [ D. A. C. B. ] And how did our contestants do? And..it looks like Sonja Karadevic is our winner! Come on over, Sonja! [ Sonjajumps up ] Nice to see you.
Sonja: This is exciting! I am very hungry.
Rajneesh Philbin: Yeah, well, you’re in the right place. Now, it sayshere, Sonja, that you live in Bosnia, but you recently left?
Sonja: Yes. There was terrible military aggression against theBosnian people. So I fled. Unfortunately, I sought refugee in Kosovo.
Rajneesh Philbin: Well, we all know how that turned out![ laughs uproariously ] Okay! Now, you now how the game is played – youstart with a bowl of rice, and you work your way up to the grand prize.Are you ready for the first question?
Sonja: Yes, I am, Rajneesh.
Rajneesh Philbin: “In America, which of the following food items aretraditionally thrown at the bride and groom after a wedding? Is it A. Rice,B. Peanuts, C. Pudding, or D. Cabbage?”
Sonja: Growing up, I have heard horrible tales about events wherethey throw rice.. but I never believed it.
Rajneesh Philbin: Heard it was rice? Pretty confident?
Sonja: I think so. “Rice.”
Rajneesh Philbin: Is that your final answer?
Sonja: [ hoping ] Yes, it is.
Rajneesh Philbin: It seems crazy.. but it is.. Rice!Well, congratulations, Sonja, you’ve own a bowl of rice! [ shows it to her ]
Sonja: Oh, wonderful.. can I have some?
Rajneesh Philbin: Well, you could. Or, you could keep going.
Sonja: It has been so long since I have eaten..
Rajneesh Philbin: But.. if you get the next question right,you’ll win a bag of wheat. Just think how many people in the village thatwill feed.
Sonja’s Husband: We could eat for a month with a bag of wheat, sweetie!
Sonja: [ sighs ] I will go for it.
Rajneesh Philbin: Alright. Here’s the next question: “Which actressportrayed Gloria on the 70’s sitcom ‘All in the Family’? Is it..”
Sonja:[ jumping in ] It’s Sally Struthers! I know that, it’s myfinal answer!
Rajneesh Philbin: You are correct! It’s Sally Struthers!
Sonja: She interviewed my village once!
Rajneesh Philbin: Yes, mine too. Alright, you’ve won a bag of wheat.
Sonja: Can I have it?
Rajneesh Philbin: Not yet! Don’t you want to win the grand prize -this tasty goat?
Sonja: The goat looks good.
Rajneesh Philbin: Indeed. Are you willing to risk the bag of wheatand the bowl of rice for a chance at the goat?
Sonja: [ to the audience ] Honey? What should I do?
Sonja’s Husband: I.. never eat.. meat.. Please.. go for it!
Sonja: [ to Rajneesh ] Ask the question.
Rajneesh Philbin: Alright. Here’s your chance to eat a goat. “Whatis the name of the disease where people refuse to eat because of a pathologicalfear of gaining weight? Is it A. Bulimia, B. Dysentery, C. Cholera, orD. Anorexia?”
Sonja: Hold on.. people starve themselves on purpose?! I’venever heard such things.
Rajneesh Philbin: This is for a goat. What’s your answer?
Sonja: You mean, they have food.. but they don’t eat it becausethey think they’re fat?
Rajneesh Philbin: That’s right.
Sonja: I’ve heard of Cholera.. and I have Dysentery – I know it’snot that. I’ll take a guess and say Bulimia.
Rajneesh Philbin: Bulimia? Is that your final answer?
Sonja: [ unsure ] Yes.
Rajneesh Philbin: [ pause ] I’m sorry, Sonja, but it’s Anorexia..you’ve lost it all!
Sonja: Can’t I have the rice?
Rajneesh Philbin: No, I’m sorry. We’re feeding it to the goat!
Sonja: Can’t I just smell it?
Rajneesh Philbin: No! That’s all the time we have. Joinus next time for “Who Wants To Eat?”
Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan Hezebaia of the Dust…..Christina Ricci Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ]
Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade and tonight we are paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss!
Azrael Abyss: I’m the Prince of Sorrow, whoo.
Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead.
Azrael: Yes, I’m dead indeed, la la la.
Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael’s not really dead, but this is his funeral. It’s a funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia…
Together: of the dust!
Circe: Hezebaia.
[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ]
Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia.
Hezebia: I’m sorry I’m late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon.
Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised]
Hezebia: Graduation.
Circe: From who?
Hezebia: My parents.
Circe: What color?
Hezebia: Purple.
Circe: Really?
Azrael: Hey, what about me?!
[ Hezebia pushes him back down]
Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead.
Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ]
[Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ]
Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael…
Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ]
Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ]
[ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ]
[ It’s a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ]
Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg.
Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside.
Azrael: I hope it’s Baron Nocturna.
Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it’s Baron Nocturna.
Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in.
[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ]
Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle.
[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts work outfit. ]
The Girls: Welcome Baron.
Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car.
Azrael: Just get on with the funeral.
Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ] “While I envy dear Azrael’s flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I’m gonna get my ass kicked, a lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion…”
Azrael: That’s enough, Baron.
[ Hezebia pushes him down]
Hezebia: Shut it Todd.
Azrael: My name’s not Todd it’s Azrael Abyss!
Hezebia: Okay.
[ Baron sits down.]
Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ]
Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder.
Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave.
Azrael: ooooo.
[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ’s at home with braces opening his christmas gift. ]
Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I’m gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it’s perfect! A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I’m talking on the phone, I’m talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep, [ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It’s me Todd, thanks for the neat phone!
[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ]
Azrael: I told you to rewind that!
Circe: Sorry Azrael.
Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone.
Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I’m dead, I’m dead, remember.
Baron: You’re right, you’re dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha!
Azrael: No, give me that!
Baron: I’m gonna be, I’m back to being the second fruitest guy in school!
Azrael: No, give it to me!
Circe: Well that’s all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember stay out of the daylight.
Christina Ricci: Thank you very much, thank you. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve been a big fan of the show since I was little. My parents used to let me stay up and watch the original cast: David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows.. yeah, they were awesome! And now I’m hosting. I can’t believe it.
I’ve never been in front of a live audience before. I’ve been making movies since I was eight. Well, actually, my sister and I made movies – because when you’re a child actor, you’re not allowed to work a full day. So I used to share all my parts with my twin sister Petina. So, in “Mermaids” and “The Addams Family”, that’s only half of me. The other half of the time, it was my twin. She’s here tonight. Petina, come up here. She never gets any credit, but she is my other half.
[ Petina steps up, dressed simarily as Christina ]
Petina Ricci: Hi. Hi, I’m Petina Ricci.
Christina Ricci: I would do all the scenes with dialogue.
Petina Ricci: And I did all the scenes that were from far away.. or where the character is sleeping.. or if the character was getting hit by a car.
Christina Ricci: When we got old enough to work a full day, we tried to do the Olsen twins thing and work as a duo. We made one TV movie called “The Great Marmalade Caper: A Ricci Twins Mystery”.
Petina Ricci: Here’s a clip!
Clip begins. C and F are in overalls and pigtails, with skateboards in tow. Every time Christina has a line, Fatina mouths the words along with her, casting furtive glances at the camera.
Christina Ricci: Old lady Mackis must have hidden that marmalade somewhere. I’ll look in Winny’s garage, you look down by the creek.
Petina Ricci: We’ve got to find the key, I know. Where it might be! Christina, let’s hurry. I’m scared.
[ clip ends; dissolve back to Home Base ]
Christina Ricci: After that, we decided as a family that.. um.. only I would continue acting.
Petina Ricci: I work at a dry cleaners.
Christina Ricci: And we’re both very happy.
Petina Ricci: Oppy hoppy, oobie da!
Christina Ricci: Hold on.. she’s talking to me in our secret twin language. [ to Petina ] Hooby gooby galala?
Petina Ricci: Flibby, gooby gooby, raggy, shogy.
Christina Ricci: [ to audience ] She says she’s actually not very happy. She hates her life, and she’s very jealous.
Petina Ricci: Flig flog, flo flu!
Christina Ricci: Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you tell them about the show. [ to audience ] Would that be alright with you if Petina finished the monologue?
[ the audience agrees ]
Petina Ricci: We have got a great show. Tonight, for you, Beck! Is here. So stick around, we’ll be black!
Christina Ricci: Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Sally Jesse Raphael: Joining us now is Jean.. Jean, I understand your daughter, Amber, has been causing you a lot of heartache.
Jean: Yes, Sally, she is really out of control. I mean, she swears at me all the time, she bit her little brother’s nose off.. [ boy in audience is shown with bandages on his nose ] ..Last week, I caught her in bed naked with a dog.
Sally Jesse Raphael: Naked with a dog?
Jean: Yes. And we don’t even have a dog.
Sally Jesse Raphael: How old is Amber?
Jean: She’s 13.
Sally Jesse Raphael: 13? And what do you want to tell her today?
[ Amber is shown backstage mocking Jean ]
Jean: Um.. I just want to tell- I just want my little girl back! We used to be real close.. and I just want her to straighten up, and quit drugging, and stay in school!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Let’s bring her out. Amber? Come on out.
[ audience boos as Amber struts onstage ]
Amber: Shut up! You don’t know me – look at you! I lok good, shut up!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber, your mother is very worried about you..
Amber: I don’t care!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Are you taking drugs?
Amber: Yes! [ to annoy Jean ] I love drugs, and I love sex! I smoke weed, and I do the nasty with old men! I sometimes make out with girls, sometimes I have sex with people and they don’t even know it!
Jean: I just don’t want you to get pregnant by the dog..
Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to you!!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber! Look at your mother! Why do you think your mother is crying?
Amber: ‘Cause she’s jealous? ‘Cause look at this, y’all.. I got it going on! Sally, you know you want me!
Sally Jesse Raphael: That is a whole other show..
Jean: Amber, I just want..
Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to YOU!
Sally Jesse Raphael: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Missy! You do not talk to your mother like that – not while you’re on my show! If you were my daughter, I would spank the you-know-what out of you, and send you to your room!
[ Amber punches Sally in the nose ]
Ow. [ pause ] Okay. We have got someone here who may be able to get through to you, Amber. He’s taking you away to boot camp, please welcome “Sergeant” Frank. [ Sergeant Frank appears onstage ] While Segeant Frank is not affiliated with the military, or any youth service organizations, he isan intimidating black man.. and he does wear fatigues. Sergeant Frank, tell us how your program works.
Sergeant Frank: [ clutching baseball bat ] I take these wild children, and I get down on them! I eat their disrespect, and like a momma bird, I spit it back in their mouth as re-spect! And through my strictfulness and my disciplinarism, they are re-born!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Go to it, Sergeant Frank.
Sergeant Frank: [ leans over Jean ] I will work that fat right off of you! I will boil you with some eggs, and dip you in flour, and then fry you a new attitude!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Sergeant Frank.. Sergeant Frank.. Jean is the mother.
Amber: [ laughs hysterically ]
Sergeant Frank: You are a beautiful woman, I apologize.. [ turns to Amber ] I will teach you respect! I will humiliate you!
[ he and Amber start yelling simultaneously, until he drags her off the set ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: We’ll see how Amber made out at boot camp, when we come back..
[ cut to fake promos ]
Announcer: Are you an overweight woman over forty who’s cheating on your cheating husband? If so, call the “Sally” show. Sally’s wordrobe provided by Clowntown. Guests of the “Sally” show stay in Lorimer Dog Cages, ’cause they don’t know no better!
Sally Jesse Raphael: We’re back. What you’ve seen so far took place three months ago. We sent Amber to boot camp with Sargeant Frank, and here’s what happened.
[ show film at boot camp ]
Sergeant Frank: [ yelling at Amber on tape ] This is your problem – NO RESPECT!!
Sergeant Frank V/O: Sally.. the first thing these kids need to learn is that somebody cares about them.
[ film shows Amber overpowering Sergeant Frank, knocking him to the ground with his own baseball bat ]
Children need structure to know they’re love. Too many of these kids grow up without a father. I truly believe that if I could just help one child, I could stay in business.
[ film shows Amber making out with Sergeant Frank ]
[ back to Sally in the studio ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: So.. do you think Amber has changed her ways? [ Audience says no ] Let’s find out.. Jean and Amber, come on out. [ Jean enters with an Asian girl ] Jean, how’s it going at home?
Jean: Oh, Sally, it’s great! She’s on the honor roll, she helps out at home, and she’s just growing into a beautiful young woman.
Sally Jesse Raphael: But this is not Amber.
Jean: No.. this is not Amber. I don’t know who this is. This is the girl that Segeant Frank sent back to me, and I love her!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Segeant Frank, where is Amber?
Sergeant Frank: [ in audience, wearing blind shades ] Sally, during an altercation, Amber blinded me with her nail tips and vacated the camp. I don’t currently know where she is now, but, irregardless.. the bitch is crazy!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Well, we have a surprise for you. Our producers found Amber unconcious in the stock room of a Blimpie’s. We’d like to reunite you with Amber.
Jean: [ panicking ] Oh, please, no! No!!
Amber: [ steps onstage, pregnant, starts punching Jean ]
Sergeant Frank: [ stands up and swings his bat ] Stay away from me! I’m BLIND!! [ walks onstage and mistakenly whacks the Asian girl with his bat ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: When we come back, Amber will reveal to her mother that she may be pregnant with biracial dog babies. Don’t stick around! Turn off your TV! Run! Go! Turn it off!
Craig: Arianna, we got an awesome spot for the East Lake Holiday Parade!
Arianna: I know! I’m surprised no one else thought of spending the night on the cold concrete!
Craig: Yeah! Yeah
Arianna: Lucky for us, we had my Felicity sleeping bag with it’s own Keri Russell home perm kit!
Craig: Ooh! You know she cut her hair?
Arianna: I know! I hope it wasn’t lice.
Craig: Mmm. (agreement)
Arianna: Craig! Here comes the grand marshals! Dustin Diamond from Saved By The Bell
Craig: And country superstar Juice Newton!
Arianna: Yeah JUUUUICE!!!
Craig: SCREEEEEECH!!!
Arianna: JUUUUUUUICE!!!!
Craig: SCREEEECH!!!
Arianna: JUUICE! NEWTON!!
Craig: SCREECH! DIAMOND!
Arianna: WHAT?!?! Oh. It’s not them.
Craig: Oh! Okay, let’s kick it!
Arianna: Yeah, let’s kick it!
Together: V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!Victory, victory is our cry!B-U-T-W-I-P-E!Hey, Butt wipe! You stinky!P-I-M-P-L-E-S!Pimples on your face and you need Strydex!Here, zitty, zitty, zittyPPFFT!HYGIENE! WHOO!
Arianna: (cheering) C’mon, you guys! Twirl it! Don’t hurl it!
Craig: Arianna, I swear, if Roberto Clemente High wins top marching band over us again this year, I’m gonna go jujitsu on their ass!
Arianna: Craig!
Craig: Okay, hiney, whatever! I’m fired up!
Arianna: But, Craig! We got a secret weapon leading flag corps this year and her name is Gabby Malowski!
Craig: I asked you not to say her name.
Arianna: I’m sorry.
Craig: I got a bad crush.
Arianna: Oh, yeah.
Craig: It’s so easy for you. You’re going to the Snowflake Ball with Johnny Pinto, the hot new kid in school.
Arianna: (excited) Yessss!
Craig: I just feel like the odd man out like Left-Eye from TLC.
Arianna: I know! Why won’t Chili and T-Boz cut her a break?!
Craig: I know.
Arianna: It’s just so damn unpretty.
Craig: I know.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig! Here comes my new boyfriend Johnny!!
(Johnny Pinto walks on in a marching uniform, carrying a flute)
Arianna: (jumps on him) Johnny! I can’t wait for the Snowflake Ball! I made reservations for us at the International House of Pancakes! Or IHOP as they call it on the streets!
Johnny: Well, first, maybe you should stop off at the International House of Tongue.
(Arianna gasps as her and Johnny make out humorously. Johnny tries to grab Arianna’s boob. Arianna smacks his hand away.)
Arianna: Johnny! Not ’til the Millennium!
Johnny: But the Pinto needs a little A cup now!
Arianna: (scoff) I’m a small B, and no!
Johnny: I got nothin’ but time
Craig: Damn, Johnny! I bet you’re cool all the way down to your underwear!
Johnny: Don’t wear ’em.
Arianna: (gasp) Oh my God, Craig! My boyfriend is free balling!
Craig: Awesome!
Johnny: Hey, Craig, I heard that Gabby Malowski doesn’t have a date for the Snowflake Ball.
Craig: OH NO!
Arianna: OOOH! Here’s your chance to ask her now! GABBY!
(Craig and Arianna call Gabby’s name. Gabby enters carrying a flag.)
Arianna: Gabby, if I were Polish, and in flag corps I would wanna be just like you!
Gabby: It’s not flag corps; it’s color guard, queer bomb.
Arianna: Ooh, diss.
Craig: Gabby, would you go with me to the Snowflake Ball? I’ll wax my back for you.
Gabby: Craig, me cool. You not. I’d rather go to the dance with my flag.
Craig: I get called “Flag” a lot, minus the L. So what about the Snowflake dance? Sounds like a go!
Gabby: Hey! Back hair! Right here. (points to mouth) No!
(Craig and Arianna are disappointed.)
Gabby: Let me give you a tip, new kid in school Johnny Pinto, there’s only one person who’s a bigger loser than Craig and that’s Arianna.
Johnny: (backs away from Arianna) Whoa. I’m dating a loser?
Gabby: I suggest you cut bait before you get her queer-mite stink on you.
Arianna: (grabs Johnny) It’s already on him! It’s called “Pizzazz” by Kathy Lee Gifford!
Gabby: She’s not even a real cheerleader.
Arianna: Ooh, double diss. I swear! Johnny, I swear, baby, I was gonna tell ya!
Johnny: (pushes Arianna away) Oh, great. Now I smell like dork.
Arianna: Huh?
Gabby: You should just go to the dance with me!
Johnny: Oh yeah? Will you let me touch your boobs?
Gabby: Let you? I’ll make you.
Johnny: Pinto just upgraded to a C cup.
Arianna: (grabs onto Johnny) Aw, baby! You don’t want the milk for free!
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Ahh, thank you, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.
Although 600 demonstrators were arrested this week during protests of the World Trade Organization conference in Seattle. Seattle police say they – the ringleader of the often violent protests against the WTO’s policies of free trade and open competition has been identified as this man. [photo of Bill Gates]
Abroad, the violent demonstrations and rioting that delayed the WTO conference until yesterday were seen as nothing short of evidence that America is gripped by madness and anarchy. Now, what would ever give people that [sign that reads “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT”] idea?
A new Northern Ireland was born Thursday with the formation of a joint Catholic-Protestant government and the end of 27 years of rule from London. The newfound freedom promises the Irish people a return to the life they knew before British rule — hundreds of years of self-imposed misery.
In entertainment news, rapper Jay-Z was arrested Thursday on charges of stabbing a music executive the previous night during a birthday party for fellow rapper Q-Tip. Partygoers say that they knew there was gonna be trouble when the invitation said the party would last “from 9:00 p.m. until Jay-Z stabs somebody.” [scattered applause]
And it was revealed this week that Kate Shindle, Miss America 1998, is now working as a waitress in a Manhattan deli. It should be noted that if Shindle calls in sick, Miss Montana, her first runner-up, will cover her tables.
Hillary Clinton this week condemned Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s homeless policies and pledged to secure money for federally funded subsidized housing if elected senator. Yeah, it’s true; a senator can do a lot to help the homeless. You know who else can really do a lot to help the homeless? A first lady! [delayed reaction]…The joke was all attitude, and apparently that wasn’t enough for it. All right…
On the medical front, scientists announced Wednesday that they have, for the first time, decoded an entire human chromosome. According to experts, this breakthrough is nothing short of a first step towards unlocking the secrets of our DNA. After the announcement, a concerned O.J. Simpson asked, “I’m still cool, right?” [some applause]…Ah!
The six Republican presidential hopefuls met in New Hampshire this week for their first televised debate ever….George W. Bush took the opportunity to re-emphasize his pledge to cut taxes when he looked into the camera and said, quote, “Read my father’s lips.”
Conservative activist and Republican candidate Gary Bauer, when asked during the debate what his legacy would as – p – would p – be as president, declared that he would resurrect, quote, “the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.” Lincoln and Reagan. Yeah, those two names go together like “president” and “Gary Bauer.”
Surprisingly, the unofficial winner of the debate may have been conservative radio host and former diplomat Alan Keyes. Pundits predict that after his strong showing, Keyes is now a shoe-in to grab the ballot of every black Republican, provided he remembers to vote. [mixed reaction]…[explains] No, that he remembers; he’s the one….Just waitin’ for it, aren’t you, folks? All right.
For the second day now, NASA scientists are still unable to make contact with the 165-million-dollar Mars Polar Lander. Analysts are now saying this is the most disappointing 165-million-dollar space project since The Phantom Menace. [groans]…You’re right. Uh, it was a real winner, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.
A North Carolina woman who pleaded guilty to manslaughter was sentenced this week to wear a sign reading, “I am a convicted drunk driver and as a result I took a life.” She was last seen being approached by a man wearing a T-shirt that read, “Who likes to party besides me?” [some applause]…Oh! [mockingly smiles and claps when someone in the audience gets the joke] ‘Cause of the…okay.
Frank Amodeo, a cancer victim who is suing the nation’s tobacco companies, testified in Miami Thursday that advertisements featuring celebrities like Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams strongly influenced his decision to begin smoking in the 1950s. In a related story, a man is suing Major League Baseball because he was a Mets fan in the ’80s and is now addicted [photo of Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry] to crack. [cheers and applause]
Police in Hackensack, New Jersey this week wiped out a massive Pokémon counterfeit ring, seizing over one million dollars worth of fake cards. As a public service, here is one of the fake cards parents should be on the lookout for. [doctored photo of a “Gainesachu” card, featuring the body of Pikachu and the head of Chris Gaines with red dots on Gaines’ face]
Gerald Marie, the European president of the Elite modeling agency, quit in disgrace this week after telling a British reporter he planned to have sex with teenage models. I guess one man’s downfall is another man’s [“TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT” sign] presidential platform. [scattered applause]
Some sad news to report tonight: Gene Rayburn, the host of TV’s long-running “Match Game,” died this week at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send blank.
And finally, on a happier note, Stevie Wonder announced this week that he would consider undergoing an experimental procedure that could allow him to regain his sight. I can’t wait to see the expression on his face the first time he sees Michael Jackson. [cheers and applause]…Ahh! Thank you.
Here with a final word on this week’s events in Seattle is World Trade Organization spokesman Jacob Silj.
[pan over to Jacob, who speaks with a loud monotone voice]
Jacob Silj: Thank you, Colin. This week, the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss matters of great importance. Such as the loosening of trade restrictions that would greatly affect the environment. Unfortunately, delegates were met by hundreds, maybe thousands of protestors. It’s hard to say because of the extreme chaos. One thing’s for sure–
Colin: Listen, Jacob–
Jacob: What? What is it, Colin?
Colin: Do you think you could speak in a normal voice?
Jacob: I am speaking normally.
Colin: No, you’re shouting.
Jacob: Colin, listen to me. I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice. It is an affliction that affects over 700 Americans every year. It is also fully acknowledged by medical communities of both the United States and the United Kingdom. I have extensive literature out in the trunk of my car that I’m happy to run and get for you if you think I’m lying.
Colin: I never said you were lying. Could you just somehow lower your voice?
Jacob: Oh, my God! What did you not understand about what I just said? I can’t do that. I have a disease! Would you ask a blind man to start having vision? Or an old person just to get young again?
Colin: No, of course not.
Jacob: Well?
Colin: Well, what?
Jacob: Would you?
Colin: I already said no!
Jacob: Well, that’s what you’re doing. This is me whispering. This is me shouting. Now I’m singing. Does this sound like a pleasurable way to live? God, I can’t believe he’s doing this to you, Jacob. How humiliating.
Colin: Is that supposed to be a quiet aside to yourself?
Jacob: Of course it was. Oh! You’re just having a field day over there, aren’t you?
Colin: Listen. You don’t have to shout at me.
Jacob: I’m not shouting at you! Believe me, I wish I could, but I can’t! I suffer from voice immodulation. As do hundreds of others in the U.S. and Britain.
Colin: Okay, I apologize, Jacob.
Jacob: Now, no one has learned anything about the World Trade Organization, I hope you’re happy, Colin Quinn.
Colin: I don’t think anyone’s happy here. Jacob Silj, everybody….I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 11th, 1999 Danny DeVito R.E.M. None Al Franken Joe Franken The Rockettes Cheryl Hardwick NBC Special ReportRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Montage
Danny DeVito’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Press Conference Play Set
Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) continue their broadcast after the apocalypse. Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.
Mango’s ChristmasRecurring Characters: Mango.
Boston TeensRecurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.
Happy Holidays from The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) sings “Merry Christmas To The Ladies.” Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.
TV Funhouse
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Eager for his decade to end, teenaged Joe Franken yells at his dad, Al Franken.
R.E.M. performs “The Great Beyond”
Rockettes Open AuditionsSummary: 50-year-old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) auditions for The Rockettes. Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley.
Oh No, Not My Baby!Recurring Characters: Mrs. Claudine Parker, Mr. Brownstone, Judge Timbler.
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Air Date:
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) rates the Republican frontrunners for the 2000 election.
