Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays]

[photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer]

[to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters

Jimmy Tango…..Jim Carrey
Male Audience Member…..Fred Wolf
Female Client…..Nancy Walls
Male Client…..Will Ferrell

[ Jimmy Tango runs onto stage, wild-haired and spastic ]
Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That’s me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I’ve lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It’s this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, “Isn’t crystal meth illegal?” You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a smallcanyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here’s my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you’ll drop weight so fast you’ll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I’m not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In mycase, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager’s fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I’m wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don’t try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you’re serious about weight loss, then you shouldn’t be afraid to.. “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let’s talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster!And, in eight days, by “Riding The Snake”.. [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I’ve never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it’s worth it, because, these days, when I’m wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I’m.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let’s hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don’t mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango’s method, and within days you’ll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you’re a porky puke, don’t be afraid! Come “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you’ll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday Inn

First Friend of Brasky … David Koechner
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … John Goodman
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Fifth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows

[Fade in on a an image of a sign reading: Holiday Inn, with a smaller marquee reading: Lawn Mower Parts Sales Convention 1996. Dissolve to the interior where four members of the Brasky Bunch sit at a bar and are laughing loudly.]

Third Friend of Brasky: Have you guys ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?

Other Three Friends: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Sure Have and I tell you one thing: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he goes about 6’8” 340 pounds.

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Oh God, I love this story.

First Friend of Brasky: And I’d love to have sex with your wife.

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily but at the end of the quarter I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.

All: Bill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: He goes about 7’10” 590.

Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

[A man, who has been sitting in the background since the sketch began, turns and points to the others:]

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: We certainly are.

Fifth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky.

Second Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: ‘At a boy, Hank. Now here’s something. You know uh, You know how I like to steal lose change and valuable from your houses whenever I’m over? [after a slight pause] Anyway, Here’s a Brasky story.

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: One time I ask Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. You know Jaccob and Christine?

First Friend of Brasky: Sure, they’re dumb as rocks and always have dirty faces.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: That’s them, That’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag, and says, “I’ve got goodies for you kids.” He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to ’em. Then he takes off his beard and says, “There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him.

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky’s a son of a bitch.

All: Bill Brasky!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know Brasky goes about 9’8” 780 pounds?

Third Friend of Brasky: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year?

Second Friend of Brasky: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

First Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky? But there weren’t any horses around.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: [talking to the bartender] Hey, a silver soda.

First Friend of Brasky: Make that four. Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me for three… Whoa, easy there, Hank. There’s no scotch in that glass. He throws a saddle on me and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles.

Third Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup, right. Under the name “Turkish Delight.” And I’m runnin’ in second place, and I’m runnin’ and I break my ankle.

Third and Fourth Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

First Friend of Brasky: So anyway, they’re about to shoot me, right? Then someone from the crowd yells out, God Bless him, “Don’t shoot him. He’s a human.”

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, I lost money on you.

Second Friend of Brasky: Hi, I like you a lot.

First Friend of Brasky: I like you too.

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, is this guy going to hurt me?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: No no, He likes you, he likes you.

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.

All: Bill Brasky!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle?

Third Friend of Brasky: Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite TV movie is “The Boy In The Plastic Bubble” starring John Travolta.

Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll… [speaks incoherently]

All: To Bill Brasky!

Big Booming Voice: [from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle] Gentlemen, I’m the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?

All: Bill Brasky![fade]

Submitted by: Ryan M.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

John Goodman’s Monologue

…..John Goodman
…..Elle MacPherson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Mark McKinney
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Molly Shannon
…..Nancy Walls

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for — can you believe it? The 7th time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that’s great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL… and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that’s the sweetest!

[ John gives a “sweet life” kiss. ]

John Goodman: Because you don’t have to do the monologue. That’s right! You can do whatever you want — like right now, I want to sit down!

[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large “7” on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a “7” crown on John’s head while holding a “7” scepter. ]

Elle MacPherson: Here’s your scepter.

[ John takes the scepter. ]

John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!

[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]

John Goodman: She a 10 and I’m a 7! Here we go — I’m going to sit back and have my favorite beverage — a Seven & Seven!

[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]

John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film “King Ralph”, which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let’s take a look, shall we?

[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – THE CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s the control room. Pretty cool, huh?

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MOLLY’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Molly Shannon’s rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight’s script. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Molly going over her lines.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – TIM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]

Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Tim. I don’t know what he’s doing.

Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – LADIES ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!

[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Nancy Walls.

[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]

John Goodman (V/O): And that’s Mark McKinney!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s boring. I’ve already seen that.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – NORM’S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Norm MacDonald’s emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That’s Norm getting ready for Update.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times — I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV – MAKEUP ROOM ]

[ Jim Breuer’s getting make-up applied. ]

Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I’m kind of busy getting ready.

John Goodman (V/O): I don’t think so.

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?

Jim Breuer: What thing?

John Goodman: You know — that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.

Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don’t think — I don’t — no, I don’t want to do it. No.

John Goodman: Lorne…

[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?

[ Lorne nods. ]

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: See you soon!

[ Jim is pissed. ]

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty’s Day and had one too many… actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let’s get some production values.

[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole’s face, drop down. John gets up. ]

John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here’s Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!

[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]

Jim Breuer: [ Alanis’ Voice ] Hit it boys!

[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: “HAND IN MY POCKET” ]

Jim Breuer: [singing]
“He’s wrinkly but rugged
He’s grey but his hair is dyed
Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!”

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand in his pocket,
While Clinton’s hand squeezing some girl’s behind!”

[ John winks to the camera. ]

“He was friend with Bob Hope’s dad
He’s old but doesn’t drool
Okay he drools but not a lot
Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!”

[ John’s swaying to the song. ]

“What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob’s got one hand holding a pencil,
While the other one’s giving a victory sign!”

[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]

John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World I

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Kristen Voiceover: This is a true story..

Terry Voiceover: ..of seven strangers.

Chloe Voiceover: ..picked to live in a house..

Hoagie Voiceover: ..and have their lives taped.

Annabel Voiceover: Find our what happens..

Chris Voiceover: ..when people stop being polite..

Bob Dole Voiceover: ..and start getting real. The Real World”, Chicago.

[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]

Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..

[ everyone gasps ]

Annabel: When did this happen?

Chris: Yesterday. He’s in a coma.

[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it’s gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole’s peanut butter without asking!

Chris: Whatever..

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: Bob needed to work on his “people skills”..

[ cut back to the scene ]

Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that’s a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole’s peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ]

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: So I called a house meeting..

[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]

Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole’s never made asecret of that.

[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there’s some issues that we need to face.

[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who’s sitting in a chair reading a book ]

Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!

Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.

Bob Dole: That’s Bob Dole’s chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]

Chloe: Bob!

[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, andAnnabel ]

Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. “his chair.”

Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair – do your bug thing.

Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]

Annabel: I called another house meeting.

[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. We’re here to talk about the incident with his chair.

Kristen: It’s not even his chair.

Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can’t always sit in your favorite chair.

[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ]

[ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]

Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my “special coat.” And, um.. I came in, and Bob’s dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..

[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob’s dog peeing on her coat ]

Chloe: Who the f–k brought a dog here?!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: And I said, “Bob, you know, you’re a nice guy..”[ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]

Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f–kin’ ask before you bring a f–kin’ dog home!

[ cut back to Chloe’s summary ]

Chloe: “I feel close to you”, I said, “but you have to be responsible. It’s not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can’t let this happen.”

[ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World II

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]

Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they’re my CDs, and I get to listen to ’em!

Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..

Hoagie: I dn’t wanna..!

[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back ofHoagie’s knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]

Kristen: Oh, my God!

[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]

Chris: Bob said, “No, I can’t get in touch with other people.”He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, “Wow. Andyou’re going to be President?”

[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]

Bob Dole: “I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President of the UnitedStates, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I’m President of the United States, I’m President Bob Dole, I’m President and I live in the White House!”

Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You arepathetic, man..

[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ]

[ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]

Kristen: Hi, Bob.

Bob Dole: Hello, there.

Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.

Bob Dole: Who was it?

Kristen: I forgot..

Bob Dole: What do you mean “you forgot”?! What did he say!

Kristen: I don’t know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..

[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]

Terry: We’re not being paid to be his secretary, and I’m not his secretary, and I wouldn’t be his secretary..

[ return to scene ]

Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get aname!

Kristen: No. I’m sure if it’s important, he’ll call back.

[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]

Kristen: I think it’s safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.

[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]

Chris: And then what happened?

Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there’s my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..

Chris: Oh, man, that’s rough. What did you say?

Terry: I called him “Chicken Hawk”, every name in the book.. I called him “Mochachino Boy Slut”, and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..

Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.

Terry: Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Are you gonna see him again?

[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed,eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World III

Kristen…..Cheri Oteri
Terry…..Mark McKinney
Chloe…..Molly Shanno
Hoagie…..Jim Breuer
Annabel…..Nancy Walls
Chris…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #3 opens with Bob Dole waking up to the sound of Hoagie watching the “Today Show” ]

Bob Dole: What the hell are you doing! It’s your turn to wake up people! I’m late for the “Today Show”!

[ cut to Chloe explaining the current living situation ]

Chloe: Bob told me that he used to be very afriad to get close to people, and that Elizabeth was the very first person he had ever.. gotten naked with.. and.. he said, “Chloe, it was so scary”. And I said, “I know.” And he said Elizabeth just held him, and he said he used to have to have little glasses of wine because he’d get so nervous getting naked with a woman.. or getting naked.. or thoughts of getting naked with a woman..

[ show Bob entering the bathroom while Annabel is in the shower. He smiles when he sees her naked silhoette, but runs away when she spots his voyeurism. ]

[ cut to Annabel’s final meeting to discuss Bob’s behaviro ]

Annabel: So, he’s just standing there, staring at me in the shower.. and he’s got this really creepy look on his face..

Chris: Yeah, his face always looks creepy.

Terry: What about his freak-out over the chair?

Hoagie: Let’s do it. Let’s kick him out of the house.

Chloe: Yeah! Let’s do it!

[ camera shows Bob spying on the meeting from behind a curtain. As REM’s “Everybody Hurts” plays, Bob turns his face to the side to reveal a lone tear fall from his eye. ]

[ cut to Chris summarizing the scene ]

Chris: I don’t know.. he just got angry, you know.. Again, it’s, like, “Mine, mine, mine”, you know? And it’s not even.. you know, none of the furniture is ours, it’s all M-TV’s, you know? So, I don’t even know what that was all about..

[ show Bob Dole walking down the street with a suitcase, and dragging his favorite chair behind him ]

[ The End ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 23rd, 1996

Phil Hartman

Gin Blossoms

None

Lorne Michaels

Adam McKay

Paula Pell

Dennis McNicholas
Heston’s Advice to DoleSummary: Charlton Heston (Phil Hartman) gives Bob Dole an image makeover.

Recurring Characters: Bob Bole, Charlton Heston.

Montage

Phil Hartman’s MonologueSummary: After having performed an exceptional number of impressions over the years, Phil Hartman has lost sense of his real identity.

Also Hosted: 96g.

Transcript

BugOffSummary: The roach motel that lets you torture roaches for a cheap thrill!

Note: Repeat from 11/11/95.

Leg UpSummary: Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) and Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) on a bygone era with Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller, Frank Sinatra.

Acting classSummary: Acting teacher Bobby Coldsman (Phil Hartman) abuses his class of acting hopefuls while name-dropping the likes of Gordon Jump.
Recurring Characters: Bobby Coldsman, Troy, Brian, Kelley.

Transcript

Roxbury GuysSummary: Brothers Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) try to attract women at the Roxbury club.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) makes a quick comment on budget cutbacks. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) comments about how black actors are being snubbed during the Academy Awards.
Recurring Characters: Frankenstein, Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

Gin Blossoms performs “Follow You Down”

You’re The ManSummary: While attempting an arrest, police office (Phil Hartman) tells guntoting Johnny DeSanto (Chris Kattan) that he’s the man.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade delivers a movie-oriented Hollywood Minute.

Unfrozen Caveman LawyerSummary: Naive-acting Cirroc (Phil Hartman) defends a tobacco company.

Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

Transcript

Gin Blossoms performs “Memphis Time”

TaddliSummary: Talk show host Taddli (Mark McKinney) chastises his pot-smoking guests.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey remembers the time as a kid when he stuck his head out of the car window and accidentally knocked a dog’s head off.

Note: Repeat from 12/16/95.

Goodnights

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Uncle JohnSummary: Uncle John (Phil Hartman) engages in peculiar vices while recording a commercial for his buttermilk flapjacks.

Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on the Best of Phil Hartman DVD.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Acting Class

Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Brian…..Chris Kattan
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Kelley…..Molly Shannon
Jane…..Nancy Walls
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
Troy…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]

Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?

Tim: Bobby Coldsman!

Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.

Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!

Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?

Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!

Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?

Brian: The Pringles commercial!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”

Cheri: “..you’re five minutes late!”

Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!

Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?

Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?

Troy: No.

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!

Troy: [ singing ]

I can open your eyes.

Take you wonder by wonder..”

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin.

Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?

Troy: Yes, I am.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!

Troy: I’m Troy?

Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?

Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?

Brian: Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good.

Brian: Aladdin? Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!

Jane: Uh.. rejection!

Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?

Brian: Uh.. emotion.

Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?

Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?

Brian: Yes.

Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.

Brian: No..no, I don’t.

Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!

Brian: I do..

Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?

Kelley: Um.. working with props.

Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?

Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.

Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?

Kelley: Water.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!

Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.

[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]

SNL Transcripts