Author: Don Roy King

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

So Long, Farewell

…..Phil Hartman
Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Tori Spelling…..Melanie Hutsell
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jay Mohr
…..Sarah Silverman
…..Norm MacDonald
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Zoraida…..Ellen Cleghorne
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Pat…..Julia Sweeney
…..Michael McKean
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on Phil Hartman stading alone on a darkened Home Base ]

Phil Hartman: Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the “Saturday Night Live” family singers.

[ the remaining cast members and featured players enter Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters – except for Kevin Nealon, Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman and Norm MacDonald, who appear as themselves ]

[ singing ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!”

Lucy & Kristy:
“We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”

[ Lucy and Kristy lock hands and dance away from Home Base giggling ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We must be stealing.”

Tori Spelling: Watch “90210”.

Ike Turner: “I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.”

[ Ike and Tori hug Kevin, as they dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’d like to give you more.”

Jay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald:
“We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.”

[ Sarah Silverman hops on Jay Mohr’s back, as they and Norm MacDonald dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, goodbye
It’s time to say farewell.”

Linda Richman:
“I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.”

[ Linda Richman dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We have to bid adieu.”

Zoraida:
“What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?”

[ Zoraida flaps hwer skirt and dances away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
To say goodbye is sad.”

Richmeister & Pat:
“We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.”

[ Richmeister & Pat dance away from Home Base ]

All:
“So long, farewell!
We’ll wake up bright and early.”

Michael McKean: [ dressed as Lenny ]
“I don’t have a character yet
But I was on ‘Laverne & Shirley’.”

[ Michael McKean dances away from Home Base ]

Matt Foley: [ alone at Home Base, tired and beat ]
“So long.. farewell!
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need.. to sleep..
In a van.. down by the.. river.”

[ Matt slowly and defeatedly takes his seat on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits down and wraps his arm around Matt ]

Phil Hartman: [ to audience ] You know.. I can’t imagine a more dignifed way.. to end my eight years on this program.
[ singing ]
“Good-bye.. good-bye..
Good-byeeeeeeee!”

[ spotlight centers on Phil and Matt, as camera zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Adam Sandler
Captain Jim … Tim Meadows

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable inhis seat as his image continues to rotate on thescreen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevinat the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.

Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executedthis week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other deadclowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse….

Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated CircuitAppeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. SupremeCourt. Asked about his plans after being passed over,a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he’ll immediatelystop paying his servants Social Security benefits….

A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay’scaned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars…. Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sittingon a gold mine. … Yeah.

In medical news, it’s been reported that a cardiacarrest victim was recently revived with the aid of acommon toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton’shealth care plan CAN work. …

In other medical news, scientists have discovered thata man can be frozen in a state of suspended animationfor up to five years without losing his job at thepost office. … [some applause]

Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues todominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight’sHomophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondentand homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers andapplause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit andtie]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing againsthomosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better orworse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to beafraid of them. It’s no big deal.

Now, I’m here to talk tonight about this so-calledWhitewater scandal. Unless you’ve been living in acave for the past year, I’m sure you’re familiar withevery tedious and confusing detail. Does the mediareally believe that the American people CARE aboutsome land deal that took place over fifteen years–?Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little roomhere?

Kevin Nealon: What?

Norm Macdonald: I’m tryin’ to do thisWhitewater thing, you know, you’re kindaclose.

Kevin Nealon: You’re sitting exactly where allthe Update correspondents sit, Norm.

Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,that works out good for you then, doesn’t it? …Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]Anyways, my point is that I think it’s about time themedia began giving the same kind of coverage to issueslike health care that– [suddenly, to Kevin] Did youjust move closer to me?!

Kevin Nealon: What? No. I’m–

Norm Macdonald: It looks like you’recloser!

Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I’m in precisely thesame place. Now, just get on with youreditorial.

Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just sharea chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in thesame chair? Maybe that’d be best. Save on chairs! Thatcould be your new policy! … Man. [continues]Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should notshape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And Ithink that, in the case of Whitewater, the public issaying loudly and clear– [suddenly, to Kevin] Can Ihelp you?!

Kevin Nealon: What? …

Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can helpyou with?

Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I’ve hadabout enough of this, all right? So why don’t you justdo me a favor and finish your editorial?Please.

Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you coulddo me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe youcould, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else’s eyes forfive seconds? Would that be all right? … [continues]Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an importantrole in this society and that has been the role ofwatchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watchingthe watchdog? I mean, we – we all know who’s watchin’my crotch, right? It’s … buddy boy over here. [jerksa thumb at Kevin] But, uh … No president has everundergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.I wonder how well any of us would fare if our liveswere placed under the magnifying glass– [suddenly, toKevin] I thought you were married orsomething!

Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,Norm, I’ve had – I’ve had it. Obviously, you’reimplying something about my sexuality and I – I – I -Why don’t you just come right out and say it?

Norm Macdonald: No, I’m not implyin’ anything.I’m talkin’ about Whitewater. I’m not implyin’anything. Why don’t you just go over some of your fakenews and I’ll finish up here?

Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don’t – don’t thinkso, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Bea man.

Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I’m a man. Iam a man. I am a man. I’m just sayin’ that, uh… you’re kinda that way, right? I mean, there’snothin’ wrong with it but you’re, you know, youprefer your own gender, that’s all. You –partake of the love that dare not speak itsname, right? … That’s all right. That’s noproblem. I mean, you find the idea of being with awoman abhorrent to your very core. That’s okay.You know, you’re homosexual, right? You’re gay. Imean, you’re – you’re – you’re a gay man,right?

Kevin Nealon: No.

Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou dothprotest too much. …

Kevin Nealon: Look, why don’t you justleave?

Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!

Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,everybody.

[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadlyand watches Norm roll off.]

Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of thesun is over. You may once again stare directly at thesun. …

New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at aconference when a businesswoman proclaimed that shewas imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomofurther by filing sexual harassment charges….

[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-upthat makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson inthe film “Batman”] And the Joker is back at it againin Gotham. … [applause]

[Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-secondanniversary this week. As a surprise, they called inall their tow truck drivers for a big party. Thedrivers said they’d be there right away, then showedup three hours later. …

Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanemawas actually short and pale and old and homely….

In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crimerate in the United States dropped by three percentlast year. Experts attribute the drop to an extendedEuropean tour – [photo of smiling rap artist] – byTupac Shakur. …

Spike Lee’s “Crooklyn” opened yesterday. Reviews wereso positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel — “TheCronx.” …

This just in. Fabio has officially entered hisfourteenth minute of fame. … Congratulations, Fabio.[applause]

[Kevin glances at side by side photos of “HawaiiFive-O” actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter JamesTaylor] Lord and Taylor. …

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for thesummer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.Adam?

[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smilingAdam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,holding his acoustic guitar.]

Adam Sandler: How ya doin’? Thank you. Allright. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin’up, always meant one thing — fallin’ in love. And,uh, as we all know, love doesn’t always work out. Butwhat keeps us goin’ is the hope that someday it will.Here’s a little song about that.

[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly beforesinging the song in his usual high-pitchedvoice]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In ’82, it was a lady rabbi.
In ’83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME – HE TOLD ME ALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!

[high-pitched crooning]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro’s partnerCaptain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to thecamera:]

Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] SummerLove! …

[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]

Adam Sandler: [sings]
Summer of ’94 is comin’ fast and I don’t want to spendit alone.
I’ve made some mistakes when I was young, but I’mgonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin’ outwith all along.

[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,everybody!

[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]

Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies andgentlemen.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

[Sandler rolls off, the crowd stillapplauding.]

Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] Hismother is pretty hot. …

On the reproductive front, researchers say the numberone cause of pregnancy is sex. … Interesting,interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minuteslater. …

According to a study by the National Academy ofSciences, queen bees are born with the ability to giveaccurate directions. However, male worker bees refuseto ask for them. … [loud cheers from a few womenplus some applause]

[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes thatenclose their heads] The country’s first singles barfor really ugly people opened this week. …

And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned thenew beer called “Crazy Horse Malt Liquor” because itsname offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-basedbusiness says this will have no impact on their newline of flavored Manishevitz called “Jew Brew.”…

I’m Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That’s news tome.

[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you for joining us! Hope you enjoyed the show! Special thanks to Eddie and Pearl Jam!

[ Eddie Vedder opens his jacket to place his palm on a “K” on his t-shirt over his heart, in tribute to the recent suicide of Kurt Cobain ]

[ the crowd cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez

Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s been a great week, I’ve got a new movie out – “The Mighty Ducks 2”!

[ audience applauds ]

Thank you very much. You know, a lot of people still remember me from my earlier work. Uh, I hate to use the term, and as much as I’ve tried to forget it – I used to be a member of the Brat Pack.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Do you remember “The Breakast Club”, “St. Elmo’s Fire”? Teen angst, blah blah blah blah blah! Well, a lot of people always ask me what happened to the Brat Pack, so I figured I’d catch you up.

Now, of course, everyone knows what happened to Rob Lowe in the last few years. That’s right, he was in “Wayne’s World”. But did you know that Ally Sheedy had 17 kids, each with a different husband? She lives in San Diego now.

And Molly Ringwold, or, should I say, Mr. Marvin Ringwold? That’s right, Molly had a sex-change operation. But she — he — still has the loveliest red hair.

And, uh.. let’s see, who else, uh.. Judd Nelson! He disappeared six years ago. We’re not sure what happened to him.

Uh.. Anthony Michael Hall. In jail.

Andrew McCarthy. Also jail.

And Demi Moore. She married some guy – in jail.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Pearl Jam’s here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ]

[ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]
“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
Operaman … Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testifiedbefore a congressional health committee. Theexecutives said they believe nicotine is NOTaddictive. They also testified that asbestos is a goodsource of fiber. …

The president of the American Tobacco Company saidcigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. Helater clarified his statement, saying what he meantwas that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than mostcigarette smokers. …

In a related story, this week marked the 64thanniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate theoccasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very firstTwinkie which is expected to reach its expiration datesometime next year. …

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteenthousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus theinterest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundreddollar investment profit. Using a familiarexplanation, the president said he profited but hedidn’t invest. … [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of theMenendez brothers under which money would be raised tohelp get the brothers out of prison and send them onan all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. …

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like tooffer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposedtext reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, publicflogging by law is one hundred years old. DickClark. And, frankly … I was stunned to thinkthere was any place on Earth where a teenage boy couldbe stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.Neverland Ranch. Admittedly … some convictedfelons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.But some say justice must be satisfied. But who getssatisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?Rick James. Others say … this acts as adeterrent but no one can predict the future.Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spraypainting cars but he’s only eighteen and young peopleoften do stupid and impulsive things they laterregret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think …that everyone’s entitled to one mistake. EuroDisney. And I’m not saying there aren’t … thosewho I’d love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.It’s just that … I’m afraid we’ve become soinsensitive that we’ve learned to accept the idea of aman’s beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let’shave some compassion … [cheers and applause]Remember– No, I’m just saying, you gotta– Remember,justice should be tempered with mercy. These wordsfrom a wise man — Bazooka Joe — should be ourwatchword. … And hopefully, before long, this boycan go on with his life and his story will beyesterday’s news and long forgotten. DebbieGibson. Thank you. … [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons,recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will beput back on the market and sold as pencils….

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtimegirlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, justa few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It ishis fourth marriage and her first beating. …

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at somecurrent events is Weekend Update correspondentOperaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. Hesings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English andmock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifiesthe singer’s words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]
Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle …
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter …

[image of building in Singapore]
Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore …

[image of 1040 income tax form]
Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a …
Mucho lira
Disappearra …
No deductions
Don’t get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY …
Yahoo!

[image of former basketball player “Magic”Johnson]
Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer’sheadset]
No more announco …

[image of magician David Copperfield and model ClaudiaSchiffer]
Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunnyfrom his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guestPearl Jam — instead of another aria, Operaman’s nextitem is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam’s song”Evenflow”]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman’s a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder’s even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn’t have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I’m not saying I’m gay I’m just saying therecomes a time in every man’s life when he questions hisown sexuality!…
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat’s-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted withroses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies andgentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,saying “Bravo! Bravo!” etc. Operaman smells roses,waves, saying “Oh, yes!” “Thank you!” and “Grazi!”Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.Queer. That was great. …

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its”dead end” street signs to the more genteel “cul desac.” In a related action, New York City will changeits “dead end” street signs to “Nice going. Nowyou gotta turn around, you stupid bastard.”…

Well, Mattell announced this week they’ll beintroducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said aTonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,actually, it’s not a doll, it’s an action figure….

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playingSecret Service agent James Bond in the movies. Theannouncement reportedly left producers shaken, notstirred. … With Dalton stepping down, the search forthe new James Bond is on. Leading contenders includePierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell… or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be thefirst Hispanic James Bond. …

New evidence this week was found. Scientists areexpected to use it to replace the old evidence….

The NASA launching of the world’s most sophisticatedstate-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayedthis week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More onthat story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam hasdiscovered nineteen previously unknown works by theDutch artist that he apparently printed over — orpainted over. The works were found by X-raying thecanvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique andstyle of painting. [image of comic strip charactersNancy and Sluggo] …

Taking a look now at the national picture– [Kevinturns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,there it is. …

Female condoms went on sale here this week in theUnited States. The female condom is said to preventpregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass…. [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner fornaming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club ownerhas filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is notthe name of his club but simply a suggestion. …[applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure forbaldness may be held in a prostate drug. The onlyknown side effect? A hairy ass. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes with a pencil on top of the Update deskas we pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 7th, 1994

John Goodman

The Pretenders

Jan Hooks

New York Governor’s Debate

Howard Stern (Michael McKean) and company make a mockery of gubernatorial
debate against Mario Cuomo (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Mario Cuomo, Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Goodman ‘fesses up to his mother about the naughty things he did as a child.

Majestic Caribbean Cruise Line

(Repeat) See: 04/09/93.

Captain Jim & Pedro

Dad (John Goodman) meets with the formerly shipwrecked Captain Jim (Tim Meadows)
and Pedro (Adam Sandler) before letting them date his daughters (Melanie Hutsell,
Sarah Silverman).

Recurring Characters: Captain Jim, Pedro.

NRA’s American Sportsman Today

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) and sportsmen mercilessly kill wild animals.

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Rush Limbaugh, Charlton Heston.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

David Spade comments on rock bands that don’t play their well-known hits at concerts.

Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol

Arkansas state troopers help pick up girls for Governor Clinton (Phil Hartman).

“Cops” features domestic disturbance call to Arkansas governor’s mansion.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Theatre Stories

Kenneth Rees Evans (Mike Myers) spaces out while interviewing his guests.

Recurring Characters: Kenneth Rees Evans, Christopher Walken.

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninjas try to retool their attack strategy after a failed evening.

Philadelphia Action Figures

(Repeat) See: 02/05/94.

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton (Kevin Nealon) presents more plagerized hits on new album.

Flintstones Names

Goodman converts famous names into their “Flintstones” format.

Psychotic Cab Ride

Cab driver (Rob Schneider) scares couple (John Goodman, Julia Sweeney)
with trivia about killer drivers.

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton…..Kevin Nealon
Nat King Cole…..Tim Meadows

[open on Michael Bolton sitting on stool on a stage]

Announcer: Candlelight Records is proud to present…

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “My Girl”]
“I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
Oh, when it’s cold outside
I’ve got the month of May..”

Announcer: The master of romantic songwriting…

Michael Bolton:
“I’ll.. bet.. you’ll.. say
What could make me feel this way?”

Announcer: Michael Bolton sings…

Michael Bolton:
“My girlfriend
My girlfriend
I’m talking about my girlfriend
My girlfriend.”

[dissolve to CD cover with image of Michael Bolton: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton”, and title below CD cover: “20 Original Michael Bolton Songs”]

Announcer: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton,” twenty original Michael Bolton songs, not just performed by Michael Bolton, but written by Michael Bolton himself, with no help from anyone else. Songs so unique and personal, they could only have been written by Michael Bolton.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton on stage with title: “Respectt,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “Respect”]
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me
Respect-t, just a little bit
Respect-t..”

Announcer: Including, “I Heard it Through the Bushes.”

[title: “I Heard it Through the Bushes,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”]
“You should have told me yourself
That you found somebody else
Instead I heard it through the bushes.”

Announcer: And much, much more. All with that unique Michael Bolton songwriting touch that says, “This song was written by Michael Bolton.”

[title: “E-F-G,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “A-B-C”]
“E-F-G
Oh, it’s easy as 1-2-3
Oh baby, come dance with me
E-F-G
1-2-3
Baby, you and me.”

Announcer: And Michael’s classic duet with his father, Nat King Cole.

[title: “Inforgettable,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

[black-and-white inset of Nat King Cole appears]

Michael Bolton and Nat King Cole: [to the tune of “Unforgettable”]
“Inforgettable
In every way
Inforgettable
That’s what they say.”

[dissolve to previous CD cover]

Announcer: Act now, and you’ll get the Michael Bolton album that changed music as we know it: [CD cover appears, with psychedelic band, covering previous cover] “Sgt. Michael Bolton’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Call 1-600-BOLTON-WROTE-IT8. [title with phone number] Operators are standing by. Every minute you waste, Michael is writing new songs. He can’t stop.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton sitting with a keyboard]

Michael Bolton: I’m Michael Bolton. I can prove I wrote every one of these songs. How? Because I never listened to any other music in my life, and I hope you won’t either. [winks] [picks out “Happy Birthday” on keyboard and nods approvingly]

[title and voice over by announcer: “All proceeds go to the Michael Bolton Defense Fund”]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Psychotic Cab Ride

Man…..John Goodman
Cabdriver…..Rob Schneider
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Officer…..Michael McKean

[ open on exterior footage of New York City streets – Night ]

[ couple enter cab ]

Man: 86th and Broadway, please.

Cabdriver: Alright.

[ meter starts running ]

Cabdriver: You guys like movie trivia.

Man: Uh.. sure. [ his wife giggles ]

Cabdriver: Okay. We all know Richard Harris starred in the movie “Camelot”, but who starred in the original Broadway production?

Woman: That’s easy – Richard Burton.

Cabdriver: Uh-huh. And how did he die?

Woman: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Run down by a cabbie!

Man: [ surprised ] Really?

Cabdriver: Alright. What movie, and who said it: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Man: Uh.. “Casablanca”, and.. Claude Rains.

Cabdriver: That’s right. And how did he die in real life?

Man: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Slain by a cabdriver! [ a beat ] Here’s a good one: what two Olympic champions play Tarzan in the movies? I’ll give you a hint – they were both cut in half by an insaner cabdriver.

Man: [ starting to get worried ] You know, I-I-I think we’re gonna get out here.

Cabdriver: No, no, we’re not there yet! Hey, you guys actors?

Couple: NO!!

Cabdriver: It’s too bad. I’d have you sign my book. [ a beat ] Okay. Here’s one: What was the North American location for the filming of “The Ten Commandments”, and what was the occupation of the man who buried seven bodies there?

Man: [ uncomfortable ] W-we really don’t know..

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] You’re gonna kick yourselves when I tell ya! The location was Niagrara Falls, and the psychotic killer burying the bodies was a cabdriver! So, you guys heading to a party tonight?

Man: We’re gonna see my friend’s band play at a club.

Cabdriver: You like music, huh? Here’s some music trivia: An original back-up singer for The Shirelles, suffocated in the trunk of what vehicle? What vehicle?

Woman: [ hesitant ] ..A taxi..?

Cabdriver: Bingo!

Man: We’re here! You can let us out now —

Cabdriver: I can’t let you out now – we’re on a roll. Let’s go around the block. Alright, this is a toughie: “Hair”. She starred in the Broadway musical and the movie. She also escaped from a deranged cabbie’s taxi after he tried to kill her with carbon monoxide fumes. She crawled six blocks to a phone, where she called the police. What was her name?

Man: I’m not sure, but you’re really gonna have to let us out.

Cabdriver: I’ll give you a clue – I’m the one who tried to kill her!

Woman: [ scared ] We don’t know! Just please let us out!

Cabdriver: [ chuckles ] Bonnie Franklin! [ stops cab ] Alright, here we are – 86th and Broadway.

Man: We’re nowhere near 86th and Broadway.

Cabdriver: Okay, have fun now.

Man: Okay.

Cabdriver: Alright..

[ Man attempts to pay the cabdriver’s fare ]

[ waves his hand ] Ah, this one’s on me. My pleasure! It was nice chatting with you guys! You guys are real trivia experts!

[ dissolve to exterior, police precinct ]

[ dissolve to interior, couple filing report with Officer ]

Officer: He didn’t tell you anything else?

Woman: No..

Officer: Where the bodies were buried, or anything like that?

Woman: No..

Officer: Alright, I just got one more question: Who played the original Timmy on “Lassie”.. and from what precinct was the police officer who fileted him and cooked him in his own juices?

[ close-up of Officer’s face, as he turns to the camera with a sinister smile ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts