Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

SNL In The 90’s

…..Lorne Michaels
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Phil Hartman

Lorne Michaels: Hello, I’m Lorne Michaels. And, as you know, this is our first show of the 1990’s. And all of us here at “Saturday Night Live” are very excited. For you see, unlike other television shows, we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade, and all the changes it is bringing.

First of all, from now on all cast members will be equipped with jetpacks, to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.

[ Church Lady hovers by slowly on a jetpack ]

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, Church Lady, it truly is. Another change is that you’ll no longer be listening to the “Saturday Night Live” band. Recent advances in audio technology have enabled us to replace them with this silicon globule. [ displays the globule ] Similar advances have enabled us to replace Jon Lovitz.. with this.

Globule V/O: Yes.. that is the tick-et.

Lorne Michaels: We’ll be gradually automating all of our cast members, with the execption of Phil Hartman.. who, as you know, is an android.

[ smiling, android-like Phil Hartman steps up to give Lorne a handshake ]

Phil Hartman: Hello, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Phil.

[ android Phil Hartman steps backwards off the stage, barely moving a muscle ]

Lorne Michaels: But that’s not at all. The “Saturday Night Live” of the 90’s will also make food for you. Just place your “Saturday Night Live” frozen dinner in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing, and the show will emit ultraviolet rays that will cook it in three minutes. It’s a delicious meal, and it’s made by Stouffer’s.

[ a futuristic logo flies into the righthand corner of the screen, its colors throbbing and glowing vibrantly as Lorne talks ]

Ah! It’s the new “Saturday Night Live” logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90’s, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and hapes reveal how you’re responding to a sketch.

[ the silicon globule screeches ]

I see we’d better wrap things up. But, before I go, just one more feature of the show, that you’ll find at your local drugstore. From now on, if you miss a show for any reason, you can grab a “Saturday Night Live” rerun pill, pop it in your mouth, and enjoy. [ pops a rerun pill into his mouth ] Mmm.. Tony Danza! It still holds up!

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these changes throughout the decade, and that you’ll learn to-

Don Pardo V/O: Wait a minute, Lorne! You forgot me!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, I’m sorry! Don! [ a stangehand hands a tortoise to Lorne ] I forgot to mention that the voicebox of our announcer, Don Pardo, has been surgically-implanted in a young tortoise. This will ensure that Don will be the voice of “Saturday Night Live” for the next 150 years! Right, Don?

[ close-up of the tortoise, his mouth actually moving in sync to Don Pardo’s V/O ]

Don Pardo V/O: Right, Lorne!

[ dissolve to new futuristic “Saturday Night Live” logo glowing different colors ]

Don Pardo V/O: The new “Saturday Night Live”. Retooled, state-of-the-art.. high-tech entertainment that has the Japanese on the run.

[ dissolve back to wide shot of Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think.. we have a lot to offer. And all of us here at the show hope we’ll be in your future. Thank you.

[ the image of Lorne Michaels folds inward, into a line, then is covered by a bright light and disappears the same way the picture does when older televisions are turned off ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

BiziLady

…..Jan Hooks
…..Nora Jones
…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Victoria Jackson running through the streets of New York to catch a cab. Once inside, she casually removes product from purse and nicks off a few unwanted hairs around her knees. ]

Jingle:
“She’s on the go
Movin’ fast
She’s gonna make that smooth look last.
She’s BiziLadyyyyyyyy!BiziLady!”

[ cut to Nora Dunn at a business meeting. As she makes her presentation, she casually reaches underneath the table to nick a few unwanted hairs from her leg with product. The men do their best to get a look under the table. ]

“She’s movin’ up now
And men don’t care.
‘Cause they can’t see unwanted hair.
Under the ladyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Jan Hooks on a date at the opera. Paying no mind to the other people in the theatre, she stretches her arm up and uses product to remove a few unwanted hairs from her armpit. Her date expresses his pleasure. ]

“She’s soft to touch
Not like a man.
Just want to stay as smooth as she can.
With BiziLadyyyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Victoria Jackson picking up her young daughter at school. The young girl is using a simulated product to remove unwanted hairs from a baby doll’s leg. As Victoria leans down, her daughter uses the product to remove a few unwanted hairs from Victoria’s upper lip. ]

“She’s soft and sleek
Smooth and soft
Sleek and soft
Soft and soft.
BiziLady!”

[ show product in front of a perfectly-shaved wonman’s leg ]

Announcer: Now there isn’t anywhere you can’t be smooth.

BiziLady. The anywhere shaver from Go Girl Products.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Goodnights

…..Ed O’Neill

Ed O’Neill: Hey, listen – I want to thank everybody for coming! It’s been a, uh.. a great night. I want to thank Harry Connick, Jr..

Harry Connick, Jr.: Thank you.

Ed O’Neill: ..Maury Povich, and uh.. I want to thank all the great “Saturday Night Live” cast members. And the band – they made me feel good! Thank you all, and I hope you had a good time, and uh.. bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar…..Mike Myers
Tyler…..Phil Hartman
Faldor…..Ed O’Neill

Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?

Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!

Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!

Faldor: Mine, as well!

Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!

Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!

Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!

Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena’s teats, if I hand her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.

Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!

Lothar: My woman’s family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!

Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!

Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.

Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!

Lothar: Ah, I know it well – it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.

Tyler: I drank many falgens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!

Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this – they frighten cattle!

Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!

Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own – women?

Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!

Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!

All: Men!!

Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!

[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]

Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!

Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!

Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order – one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!

Tyler: Yes!

Lothar: Yes! Let us sing “The Man Song”! You know the tune!

[ they stand ]

All: [ singing ]
“Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!”

[ they laugh ]

Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!

Faldor: Let us sing another verse!

Tyler: Yes!

Woman’s Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!

Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Ed O’Neill’s Monologue

…..Ed O’Neill
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dana Carvey
…..Maury Povich

Ed O’Neill: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now, before I begin.. for those of you who don’t get FOX television in your city, I’m not a contest winner. I’m, uh.. I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and.. I’m not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I’m actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star of the television show “Married.. With Children”.

[ audience applauds with excitement ]

There’s a special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because over the past year, both this show and “Married.. With Children” have come under attack from certain groups for crossing the boundaries of good taste. Now, we both lost some sponsors, we both had some bad press.. but it’s one year later, and “Saturday Night Live”‘s still here.. and “Married.. With Children”‘s still here.. and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come!

[ audience applauds, as Jan Hooks and Dana Carvey appear next to Ed ]

Jan Hooks: Hi. Excuse me.

Ed O’Neill: Hey. What’s up?

Jan Hooks: Yeah, we were watching wth the cast backstage, you know? We heard what you said, and.. well, we would kinda appreciate it if you would please not, you know.. link oour show with yours?

Dana Carvey: Yeah, ’cause, you know, um.. look, to be honest, I gotta be honest with you here, uh.. we find your show, uh.. incredibly offensive.. um.. I mean, it’s just gross, you know what I mean?

Ed O’Neill: Yeah.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, I, uh.. I saw the last episode, and, uh.. it just really made my stomach turn. So, uh.. so, if you, you know, just leave us out of it, that would be good.

Ed O’Neill: Oh! Okay.

Dana Carvey: You mind? Okay. Great!

Jan Hooks: Otherwise, you’re doing great. Good luck. See you later.

Ed O’Neill: Okay.

Dana Carvey: Okay, take care.

[ Dan and Jan exit the stage ]

Ed O’Neill: That’s Dan Carvey.. Jan Hooks.

[ audience applauds ]

Well, th-there’s another special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because.. for the first time, a performer from the FOX network has been invited to host “Saturday Night Live”. FOX has taken some flak.. and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes.. but I think this shows that FOX has arrived and is gonna be here for a long time!

[ audience applauds, as Maury Povich appears next to Ed ]

Maury Povich: Hi, Ed!

Ed O’Neill: Hey, Maury Povich! From “A Current Affair”! How’s Connie?

Maury Povich: Connie’s fine! Fine, Ed. But, uh.. uh.. Ed.. uh.. look. If you could possibly downplay your association with FOX.. we’d really appreciate it. Because, frankly, uh.. Ed.. a lot of us at FOX find the show sickening. It’s sophmoric.. it’s crude.. and it’s.. it’s.. just a lot of third-grade bathroom humor. And-and it’s hardly representative of the quality programming at FOX.

Ed O’Neill: [ nodding his head ] Okay. Okay.

Maury Povich: I mean, we’ve got the guys and the reporters, you know, they’re busting their butts..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah, I know.

Maury Povich: Uh.. the kids at “Jump Street”..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah..

Maury Povich: You know. Of course, I mean myself and the staff at “A Current Affair”.. [ turns for menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair” ]

Ed O’Neill: I’m sorry.

Maury Povich: Otherwise.. hey, I think it’s going great!

Ed O’Neill: Thanks. See you later, Maury.

Maury Povich: See you later. [ turns again for a menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair”, then exits stage ]

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Ed O’Neill: Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here, but uh.. Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and something! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

I Got What You Need

Stash…..Ed O’Neill
Stuffy Lady…..Nora Dunn
Tony…..Kevin Nealon
Sick Man…..Jon Lovitz
Young Man…..Mike Myers
Crabby Lady…..Jan Hooks
Old Man…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Stash’s shop, as a Stuffy Lady enters ]

Stash: Can I help you, lady?

Stuffy Lady: [ in a thick, stuffy accent ] Yes, you cahn. The recipe I’m using calls for a foot-long salami. Do you have a foot-long salami?

Stash: Have I got a salami? Oh, I got a salami, lady.. and I do believe it’s twelve inches long! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, smiles ] Maybe bigger!

Stash: That’s what I’m thinking! So, yeah, I got your salami right here! [ points down behind the counter, towards his crotch, then looks up curiously ] Tony, where’s that salami?

Tony: [ looks around ] Oh. It’s hanging right up there, next to the bratwurst.

Stash: Oh! Oh, yeah! [ grabs the salami and wraps it in butcher block paper ] Here you are, lady, here’s a nice salami.. it cost you $5.

Stuffy Lady: Thank you. [ exits shop ]

Tony: [ calls out the door ] I hope it’s the size you need!

[ Sick Man enters the shop ]

Stash: Can I help you, sir?

Sick Man: Well, gee, my throat is so scratchy.. I’ve got this tickle.. Do you have a lozenge or a.. hard candy? I need something to suck on.

Stash: Oh, I got something you can suck on. You can suck on this all day! [ nonchalantly scotts a box of lozenges across the counter ] It’s a 12-hour lozenge, it’s brand new, right off ther market.

Sick Man: Oh, great! Thanks!

Stash: Hey, now don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Sick Man: [ chuckles ] O-kay, I won’t! [ exits shop ]

[ Young Man enters shop ]

Young Man: Excuse me, um.. but I was looking for a gift for my grandmother? I’d kinda like it to be a sort of surprise.

Stash: [ grins ] Oh, I got a surprise for Granny! Yeah, something that will make her eyes pop right out! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping ] You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Stash: Yeah. [ begins to adjust the apron around his waist ] Something that she hasn’t had in a long time, but I bet she wants some again? [ reaches along the back shelf ] A beautiful.. heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Young Man: Oh, that’s perfect!

Stash: That’ll be $15.

Young Man: Oh, alright.. [ puts his money on the counter ] There you go. Thanks a lot!

Stash: Yeah – be careful, they’re sticky.

[ Young Man exits shop, as Crabby Lady enters ]

Stash: [ approaches Crabby Lady ] Can I help you, lady?

Crabby Lady: No, I’ll find what I need.

Stash: Well, you know, if I can help-

Crabby Lady: [ annoyed ] Look, what do I look – stupid?

Stash: Listen, lady.. you come in here every day, and every day you’re mean and crabby! Do you know what you need?

Crabby Lady: No.. what?

Stash: I’ll tell you what you need. What you need.. is a good.. long.. hot.. [ a beat ] ..bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Crabby Lady: Well.. do you have one you can recommend.

Stash: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t. Tony? Could you recommend a bubble bath?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, stares blankly ] Uhhhh.. Bubble, uh.. King?

Stash: Uh, no.. don’t listen to him – he’s not right. You’d be better off trying Walgreen’s over across the street.

Crabby Lady: [ more annoyed ] Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for nothing! [ storms out ]

Tony: No pleasing some people, hey, Stach?

Stash: Ohhh, I got something that would please her, right here in my pants!

Tony: [ laughs ] Yeah?

Stash: Yeah. [ reaches in his pocket and pulls out a sample ] It’s a buble bath sample, come in the mail.

Tony: [ laughs ]

Old Man: Exc-cuse me.. excuse me..? Do you sell costumes.. fright wigs.. rubber spiders..? Something really scary?

Stash: Hmm.. yeah, I got something really scary. Yeah, it scared the hell out of my wife, first time I dshowed it to her! She said, “You come near me with that thing, I’m divorcing you.” Yeah, I like to call it my one-eyed monster!

Old Man: Well.. w-well.. can you.. c-can you show it to me?

Stash: You sure you want to see it?

Old Man: Well.. s-s-sure, I am..

Stash: Okay. Come here. [ steps behind the counter, reaching down below the front of his pants ] Come on. Look down here, behind the counter.

[ the old man peers over the counter, as Stash pulls up a cyclops man, screaming to scare the old man who’s also screaming ]

Stash: That’s pretty scary, huh? Yeah, it’s a rubber cyclops mask. See, it’s got the eye right there in the middle!

Old Man: [ laughing ] Th-that’s really awful! I love, it!

Stash: Yeah, $30.

Old Man: You got yourself a deal! [ pays his money ]

Stash: Keep it dry.

Old Man: Thanks! [ marvels at his new mask as he exits the shop ]

Stash: Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Tony: [ curious ] Oh, yeah? home for lunch, what’s the occasion?

Stash: Well, you know.. the wife hasn’t seen the Ol’ Johnson for quite a while.

Tony: That’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

Stash: I know. That’s why I invited him over.

Tony: Good idea. Hey, how old is the Ol’ Johnson now?

Stash: Ah, he’s 83. Yeah, the young Johnson, he’s 65.. so he’s really not that young.

Tony: Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be Ol’ Johnsons, huh!

Stash: [ laughs, exits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Bush-Noriega

Guard…..Tom Davis
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, random prison walls ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]

Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.

[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]

President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!

Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!

President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?

Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?

President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.

Manuel Noriega: Jeb?

President George Bush: Just great, doing great.

Manuel Noriega: Neil?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.

President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.

President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..

Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?

President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!

Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..

President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..

Manuel Noriega: I know..

President George Bush: ..you kinda brought it on yourself.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!

President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!

President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!

Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!

President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]

President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..

Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!

President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..

President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!

President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!

President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.

Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.

President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] ..you would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!

President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!

Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!

President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?

Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]

President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]

President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!

Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..

President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]

Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] ..you throw out..

President George Bush: This had better work!

Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

President George Bush: Open the porthole!

Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!

President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!!

[ cut to explosion footage ]

[ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]

President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 30th, 1989

Bruce Willis

Neil Young

None

Tom Davis
A Message From the White HouseSummary: President Bush (Dana Carvey) addresses the nation on his family’s events over the summer.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Bruce Willis’ MonologueSummary: Ex-caterer Bruce Willis is back, and sings “Pep Talk” with the SNL Band.

Bio: Bruce Willis (1955-), whose four-year run on ABC’s detective series, “Moonlighting”, ended just a few months before his SNL hosting, catapulted to fame after starring in the film “Die Hard.” He was married to Demi Moore until the year 2000, and occasionally records blues albums.

Transcript

thirtysomething CerealSummary: Relieves the drama that starts your morning.

Airplane TerroristsSummary: While on an airplane, Dave (Bruce Willis) entertains passengers with his constant quips. He continues to do so even as the airplane is hijacked by a group of terrorists, whose leader (Phil Hartman) is willing to kill as many passengers as necessary to get the quips to stop.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Rockin’ in the Free World”Bio: Rocker Neil Young (1945-) was a member of Buffalo Springfield in the 1960’s, and occasionally performed with Crosby, Stills & Nash (he wrote the song “Ohio” while with the group) during the 1970’s. As a solo performer, Young has also been backed regularly by the band Crazy Horse. His full name is Neil Percival Kenneth Robert Ragland Young.

Also Performed: 92h, 99r, 05i.

Lyrics

SprocketsSummary: Dieter (Mike Myers) welcomes Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) to the show. Jimmy reads a collection of his poems, which sound cute and innocent until he reveals the dark backstories behind them.

Recurring Characters: Dieter, Jimmy Stewart.

Transcript

Donahue Promo ISummary: In a display of his desperate bid for topics, Phil Donahue (Phil Hartman) announces that women who name their breasts will be on his next show.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Imelda Marcos (Nora Dunn) wants to get rid of her dead husband’s body. Following SNL’s 15th anniversary special, Dennis Miller shows off clips from tonight’s episode. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on the issue of flag-burning.

Recurring Characters: Imelda Marcos.

Home Improvement with the Anal-Retentive CarpenterSummary: Anal-retentive Gene (Phil Hartman) never gets around to constructing a window frame once he’s sidetracked by the disposal of a board with an ugly knot in it.

Recurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Transcript

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) are psyched to welcome Aurora High’s coolest senior, Rick (Bruce Willis), to the show. In addition to unveiling the new cool word for the school year, Rick makes a prank call to Wayne’s mom (Nora Dunn), who’s throwing a party upstairs.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Mrs. Campbell, Nancy.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Needle & The Damage Done”

Neil Young performs “No More”

Bruce Willis: The Man and His MusicSummary: All of Bruce Willis’ product jingles sound exactly the same, but fulfill the goal of supporting his extravagent lifestyle.

Donahue Promo IISummary: Still desperate for topics, Phil Donahue (Phil Hartman) announces that shoelaces that get caught inside the shoe will be the focus of his next show.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Transcript

Johnny’s ReplacementSummary: 40’s actor Johnny O’Connor (Phil Hartman) is upstaged by newcomer Marty Murphy (Bruce Willis).

Recurring Characters: Johnny O’Connor, Harry Meyer.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

A Message From the White House

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, President George Bush sitting behind a desk from which his bare legs are visible ]

President George Bush: Alright, good evening, good evening. You know, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to ya’! Lemme tell ya, it’s been a good summer, out there in the.. Bush family compound out up there in Kennenbunkport Bay, that – that whole area up there. Out in that speedboat going ’round and ’round, doing loop-de-loops. [ chuckles ] Did some fishing! Didn’t catch any – not the point! No – no, sir. Got out there on that water, got in that re-lax-a-tion mode, re-charge the batteries.

You know, I feel good. Voice – voice low. Voice.. low – getting lower. Doctors tell me it can go lower even still. Whining, screeching – thing of the past. Hurricane Hugo, doing that damage down there. Going ’round and ’round, doing that hurricane thing down there. A lot of damage. Natural disaster – not.. my.. fault! Spending relief; sending it down there – not too much, not too quickly. Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.

And the drug problem. Bigger than ever. [ motions, then holds up a bag of cocaine crack ] This is cocaine crack. I’ll tell you something: this crack was bought right here, in the White House, three feet from this desk. Drug problem, worse than we ever thought. Marijuana being grown in the Rose Garden. Millie, the Bush dog, bringing in crackpipe from the South Lawn. It’s bad! Bad! Had to close down an ecstasy factory in the Lincoln Bedroom. We’re gonna whip it, with a three-pronged attack. First prong: Education; tell our kids that it’s bad! Second prong: Interdiction; self-explanatory. Third prong: a secret; secret prong. Not gonna reveal it now – wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.

Now, allow me to say a personal word to the Medellin cartel: You know, this week you threatened to kidnap members of my family. Well, let me see you try! My kids: Jeb, packing heat. My son Neil, knows thirty ways to kill a man, and all of them work! [ smiles ] Neil [ Carvey accidentally says Jeb ] can make an incision under the chin with his bare hands, pull the face up over the skull – skull laid bare! He can thrust his hand through a man’s chest cavity, pull out the heart while it’s still beating, show it to the victim, still enough blood in the victim’s brain to see it! Show it to ‘im before the body collapses to the floor. Seen it, seen it many times! Doro, my only daughter, just graduated from an evasive driving course. And that leave us with Bar, my wife. Bar lived a full life – ready to die. Has a cyanide capsule on that necklace of hers. Will bite down when and if the time comes.

So, to sum up: Hurricane Hugo, not.. my.. fault; this summer, good; voice, low; Dan Quayle, still gainning acceptance; drugs, bad! Jeb, packing heat; Neil, trained killer; and Bar, ready to die. Once again, those – those people up there.. [ points off-camera to the crew ] ..doing that thing up there, trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, something I’m not gonna do. Not gonna do it! Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiightt!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Home Improvement with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter

Anal-Retentive Gene…..Phil Hartman

[ open on PBS logo ]

[ dissolve to Chubb logo ]

Announcer: The following program is brought to you by a Grant from the Chubb Group.

[ dissolve to Home Improvement set, Anal-Retentive Gene measuring a window in the background as classical music intros the program ]

Announcer: It’s time for Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter.

[ Gene turns, and deposits his tape measure into his tool belt ]

Anal-Retentive Gene: Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Carpenter. I’m Gene. And, today, we’re going to be building a window box, for our window. Now, what do we need for this project? [ eases over to a blueprint tacked onto a corkboard ] Well, we need our blueprints here. We need a wide array of tools, and, as always, lots and lots of careful planning. But we know that, don’t we? You know, there’s an old saying that goes: “The best laid plans of mice and men oft gang aglay.” But we don’t intend to gang aglay here, now do we? No, we don’t. Now, our blueprint calls for us to cut two boards. [ frowns at the blueprint ] But it doesn’t call for.. a silly, hazardous placement of pushpins. [ removes some erronously placed pushpins from the corkboard ] So, let’s.. just straighten this out. Take these extras off. We’ll just leave the blue ones, because they blend in nicely. Put these nasties over here. [ places the pushpins onto his work table ]

And, of course, our tool belt is loaded and ready for use. [ shows off his tool belt to the camera, then points out the individual contents ] Now.. we’ve got our hammer, our pliers, our tape measure, our awl, clamp, extension cord, screwdriver, and marker. That’s H-P-T-A-C-E-S-M. I can remember it by repeating to myself: “Howard Plants Tulips And Chrysanthemums Every Sunday Morning.” [ holds up the awl, then returns it to its rightful pocket ] Actually, I never use my awl, but I need it there to keep the syntax correct.

Now! Let’s take a look at our lumber! [ picks up a large plank ] We have a sturdy plank here. [ picks up second strip ] And we have a matching 1×2. You know, choosing lumber is very important, so don’t let them rush you at the lumber yard. I picked this piece out in about.. oh.. an hour and forty-five minutes. And.. it’s a pretty good board, don’t you think? It’s not perfect by any means. [ points out a flaw or two ] It has this knot here.. and the grain isn’t exactly as uniform as I’d like, and.. [ does a double-take ] oh, there’s a little blemish that I didn’t see when I bought this. Hmm. Well, I guess we’re just going to have to put this little fellow into the kindling box. But. I want to cut that knot off first. Because I don’t want that staring back at me from the fireplace. [ places the board into the vise and clamp ]

So, let’s clamp our defective timber into our vise, and get it ready to cut. And! How do we cut our board? Well. We remove our saw from our saw sheath. [ pulls his saw out of a decorative sheath ] No corrosion on this little darling. And let’s uncover our ltitle mini-vac. [ retrieves his mini-vac from another decorative cover ] And, lining up our saw with our thumbnail, we.. [ vacuums saw dust as he saws the board ] cut and clean.. cut and clean.. and cut.. and clean. [ the stray piece separates and falls to the floor ] There. now, this piece is all ready for the fireplace. [ picks up the stray piece ] And this ltitle devil is ready for the trash. Now, how od we discard our wooden refuse? [ picks up scrapbasket from underneath table ] Well, we get our little scrapbasket here, and we remove a scrapbag. [ opens scrapbag ] Place our scrap inside the bag, fold it over – keeping the corners square – [ grabs stapler ] and we staple – once – and twice. Now, of course, there is the problem of the staples punching through our plastic trash bag, but watch this. [ removes a second scrapbag ] We get another bag. And.. we slide the first scrapbag in – staples first – like this. [ struggles to get the first bag into the second ] Come on! Get in there, you little demon! [ finally gets the first bag into the second ] There! There he goes! Now! We staple again – but – we do not fold over this time. [ grabs the stapler again ] Staple once – and staple twice. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Gene, those staples could burst through that plastic trash bag as well.” Well. They can’t, and here’s why. Because we make a little cuff. [ folds the top of the bag into a cuff, smiles proudly ] That covers the staples. There! Ready for the trash. And this is some wooden refuse we can live with! [ grabs his scrapbasket ] And this goes back under our workbench.

Al-right. Put my cover back on — [ replaces the decorative cover on his mini-vac, then stops ] Oh. I’m replacing our mini-vac cozy – and I notice some of you are probably admiring this. [ cut to close-up of the cozy ] I call this my Dust Buster Duster. I made it out of courdoroy, some cotton ribbon, and little macaroni shells. [ return to full shot ] I think – well – it just cheers up the whole appliance!

Alright. Back to our project. [ slides the saw across the workbench ] Now – we’ve pre-marked our 1×12 there. [ holds up the thick board with an equally thick cutting line drawn vertically on it ] And – oh! My, what a bold little mark we are. I think we should take that down with an art gum eraser – [ places the board down and reaches across the table for his art gum eraser ] which I keep handy – [ starts to use the art gum eraser, then, hitting a revelation, stops and stares at the camera with a sly grin ] Art gum eraser. There’s an “A” I use all the time! [ pulls the awl out of his toolbelt ] So we can get rid of this awful awl. I’ll just put my art gum eraser in there, but now we have to put this away. So let’s get our toolbox. [ reaches under the workbench for his toolbox, which is decoratively inscribed “Gene” ] Put that on our table here — [ places the toolbox down, then spreads it open ] and open it up – now! We have everything arranged in alphabetical order, so – we’re gonna have to bump things, because “awl” starts with an “A.” [ closing theme music pots up ] And that means our chalk is gonna have to go where “chuck” is. so, I’ll just – oh!

[ show logo dissolves up, as Gene mini-vacs some dust he spies inside the toolbox ]

Announcer: This has been Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts