Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 16

81p: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

Reagan Brand Economics

President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Harry…..Tony Rosato
Wife…..Christine Ebersole

FADE IN:

[ INT. KITCHEN – MORNING ]

[ A WIFE serves three children gumbo from a pot. She turns to her husbandHARRY whose sitting at the table. ]

Wife: More rat-tail gumbo, darling?

Harry: Oh come on!! This slop again!?!? When can we have some real food!?

[ Wife sits down. ]

Wife: Harry, you haven’t had a job in six months!

Harry: I can’t take this anymore! Everything we worked for has been wiped out!!

[ PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN turns around from kitchen counter. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hey Harry! Why so tense?

[ President Reagan takes a seat. ]

Harry: Oh… Hi President Reagan.

President Ronald Reagan: Relax.

Harry: I don’t know. I guess it’s this economy. My banker tells me the highinterest rates and tight money are killing me.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, why not try Reagan Brand Economics?

Harry: I only try real economic programs.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, Reagan Brand Economics is real economics. 100%supply-side economics, but with no human compassion whatsoever.

[ President Reagan pulls out an information packet from his jacket and hands it to Harry. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Here. Try some.

Harry: Hey! Wow! This trickle-down theory is really something! Cuts out alot the waste. Doesn’t it?

President Ronald Reagan: Sure! Give it time.

[ TITLE CARD: THREE MONTHS LATER ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – MORNING ]

[ Harry’s wife is serving President Reagan some gumbo. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Enough rat-tail gumbo for me?

Harry & Wife: I’ll say!

Harry: Thanks to Reagan Brand Economics, two of our children are dead andwe sold the other one.

[ President Reagan laughs it up. ]

President Ronald Reagan: Reagan Brand Economics from Washington — where the D.C.stands for “Don’t Care”!

[ TITLE CARD: REAGAN BRAND ECONOMICS ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameo:

Bit Players:


April 17th, 1982

Johnny Cash

Elton John

None

None

Akira Yoshimura

Clint Smith
The Train of Life

Montage

The HoneyrooneysSummary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) points out the idiosyncrasies of “The Honeymooners” while starring in an episode.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Elton John performs “Empty Garden”Transcript

Frankie’s Last RequestSummary: Death row inmate Frankie (Eddie Murphy) makes a last request to hear Johnny Cash sing “99,999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Christine EbersoleRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Johnny Cash performs “I Walk The Line”, “Folsom Prison Blues” & “Ring of Fire”

Hail to the ChiefSummary: Bored after returning from his vacation in Barbados, President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) amuses himself by directing Margaret Thatcher (Mary Gross) and Leopoldo Galtieri (Brian Doyle-Murray) to kiss and make out.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese, Margaret Thatcher.

Transcript

Jay Clay Gets DepressedSummary: A clay figurine contemplates suicide in a Timothy Hittle claymation film.

Tegrim ShampooSummary: Kathy’s (Robin Duke) roommate (Christine Ebersole) shows her how to use Johnny Cash’s dark clothing to detect her problem dandruff.

Transcript

Elton John performs “Ball & Chain”Transcript

The Train PoetSummary: While riding a train, a Poet (Johnny Cash) recides an ode to the romance of the rails.

Transcript

Black TalkSummary: Two black men (Eddie Murphy, Clint Smith) ramble to one another.

Transcript

Johnny Cash performs “Sunday Morning Coming Down”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Black Talk

Host…..Eddie Murphy
Guest…..Clint Smith

(Title card)

Announcer: Time once again for “Black Talk”.

(cut to two black people having a conversation)

Host: I went down to Con Edison and I said “Hey, what’s goin’ on? I paid my bill.” Right? And she said to me “What you talking about? If you paid your bill, you wouldn’t have a problem.” Right? So I said “Hey yo bitch! I paid my bill and my lights is out. Right? What’s happening? My lights are my problem and I paid the damn bill.” You know? Then she said “Look I understand.” I said “Listen here, I’m going to come back tommorrow right and if my lights ain’t on tommorrow, I’m going to have to kick some butt down at Con Edison!”

Guest: Maybe that’s what they need.

Host: Yeah you know. You know what happened yesterday? C.J. came by my house, right? You know what happened when C.J. came by my house yesterday? I’m going to tell you…

(Title appears)

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next week for more of “Black Talk”.

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

The Honeyrooneys

Andy Rooney as Ralph Kramden…..Joe Piscopo
Alice Kramden…..Christine Ebersole
Ed Norton…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the familiar city skyline and fireworks drawing of “The Honeymooners” as big band music plays. PAN to a moon with “Art Carney” printed in the center.]

Announcer: Art Carney!

[PAN to another moon labeled “Audrey Meadows.”]

Announcer: Audrey Meadows!

[PAN up to a third moon.]

Announcer: Andy Rooney!

[PAN right to a final moon with “The Honeyrooneys” printed inside.]

Announcer: In “The Honeyrooneys”!!!

[FADE to a set of the Kramden kitchen in black-and-white. Ralph walks in wearing his bus driver uniform and sets his hat and lunchpail on the bureau. With his belly bulging, he swaggers toward the little table and nods.]

Ralph: [in Andy Rooney’s whine] Honey? I’m hoo-oome!!

[ENTER Alice over applause.]

Alice: [with her hands on her hips] Hi, Ralph, you’d bettah wash up, my mothah’s coming over for dinnah.

Ralph: I’ve got news for ya, Alice! I’m going out tonight! I am NOT eating with that old BAG!

Alice: Ralph, she’s my mothah, and you’re staying home tonight.

Ralph: Har, har, HA-AAARRRDY har, har!!

Alice: Ralph.

Ralph: Alice, did ya ever notice that your mother is a blabbermouth?! Have you ever noticed that, Alice? I have noticed that!! SHE is a BLAAAA-BER-MOUTH!

Alice: Blabber is better than blubber.

[CUT to a closeup of Ralph.]

Ralph: Did ya ever wanna send your wife to the moon? [laughter] BANG, zoom!

Alice: Ralph, give me one good reason why you can’t stay home tonight.

Ralph: Me and my pal Norton are going bowling! [walks to window and sticks his head out] Hey, NORTON?! Norton, come on down here!

[Ralph sticks his hand in the window and shakes a curtain with apartment windows printed on it.]

Ralph: [to camera] Y’ever notice how phony these buildings look? [laughter and applause]

[Knocking is heard at the door.]

Ralph: And how quickly Norton comes downstairs?!

[ENTER Norton in his usual vest and hat.]

Norton: Hey, there, Ralphie-boy, whaddya say, ol’ pal o’ mine, eh?

[cheers and applause]

Norton: How ya doin’, Alice? Uh, Ralph, I’m a bit on the hungry side, ya mind if I take a bite out o’ the refrigerator?

Ralph: Help yourself, old bowling pal of mine!

Norton: Thank you, pal o’ mine!

[He opens up the icebox and rummages around.]

Ralph: Uh, Norton, you might wanna hurry up, ’cause we don’t wanna be late.

[Norton takes out a big plate of chicken and eagerly sets it on the table.]

Norton: [sitting down] Oh, boy.

[For several seconds, he deliberately flicks his wrists and shakes his arms getting ready to eat.]

Ralph: Didja ever notice how LONG it takes Norton to do one simple THING?! [knocks him off the chair] WILL you cut it OUT?!!

Norton: Sheesh! What a grouch. Ey, ey, ey, Ralph, I can’t, I can’t go bowlin’ tonight, Trixie’s mother’s comin over, we gotta have dinner with us.

Ralph: Y’mean you LIKE your mother-in-law, Norton?

Norton: Like? [stands up] Well, let me tell ya somethin’. When I first got my job in the sewer, Trixie’s mother gave me my first pair o’ hip boots. My first pair. They were her only pair and she gave ’em to me, Ralph. [chokes up] I tell ya, ya gotta be a real creep not to like your mother-in-law.

[Norton sadly takes a bite out of a chicken leg, sobs once, then whirls around and runs out of the apartment.]

Alice: What do you have to say for yourself, Ralph?

Ralph: Humina-humina-humina-humina-humina…

Alice: Look, Ralph, if it’s that important for you to go bowling, go. I understand.

[CUT to a closeup of Ralph bouncing in place.]

Ralph: Did’ya ever notice how foolish I look at the end of these shows? Course, I guess I deserve it, the way I constantly abuse my wife and best friend. Now, I can end this whole thing by saying, “I got a BIG MOUTH…” Or I can make a pathetic face, but this time, I think I’ll just say: “Baby, didja ever notice you’re the greatest?”

[Ralph dips Alice in their classic “stage kiss” as the theme music rises. They hold for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Frankie’s Last Wish

Guard…..Joe Piscopo
Other Inmate…..Andy Murphy
Frankie…..Eddie Murphy
Priest…..Tim Kazurinsky
Warden…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Johnny Cash

[FADE IN on a gray steel door labeled, “DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE.” Shrill, sad harmonica music is playing. PAN across a small jail block and a blue-shirted guard sitting at a desk and reading the paper. PAN farther to another inmate playing the harmonica out through his cell bars. PAN finally to an inmate wearing a striped uniform in the next cell. A priest sits next to him on his cot.]

Priest: [in an Irish brogue] I believe it’s almost time, Frankie.

Frankie: But I don’t wanna die, Father.

Priest: I know, my son. [pause] Is there anything I can… I can read that can be of comfort to ye?

Frankie: Yeah, how ’bout the entire Old Testament?

[Audience laughs as the priest opens his Bible to the first page of Genesis and the sad harmonica song keeps playing.]

Priest: “In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. The Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.”

[The guard stands up from his desk and walks over to unlock Frankie’s cell.]

Priest: “And the Spirit of God–”

Guard: All right! Time to go!

Frankie: [getting up] Hey, wait a second, man, your watch must be wrong, I got a whole hour and a half left to go.

Guard: All right, Frankie, c’mon, let’s go, let’s do it.

Frankie: No, serious, it’s Daylight Savings Time, man, you didn’t turn your watch back?

Guard: C’mon–

Frankie: What did I say–

Guard: Just come on, okay?

Priest: [off camera] Be brave, my son. I am with you.

Frankie: No, but–

[When the guard pulls Frankie out of his cell, Frankie suddenly looks down at the floor.]

Frankie: Wait! My contact lens! My contact lens fall out! My lens!

Guard: Well, where were you when you put it in?

Frankie: [bends over and eyeballs the floor] I don’t know! It’s around here somewhere!

Guard: WAIT a minute! [yanks him up] Why, you, you don’t even WEAR contact lenses. [nudges him over] C’mon, quit stallin’.

Frankie: Wait a second. I get a last meal. I get a last–

[ENTER the warden at Frankie’s right.]

Warden: You HAD your last meal.

Frankie: [thinks] Well, the last request! I get a last request! I have a last request. I know my rights.

Warden: All right, the law’s the law, you get a last request. This better not be one of your tricks.

Frankie: [stalling] My last request is to have… Johnny Cash come sing for me before I die… Sir!

Guard: Johnny Cash.

Frankie: Yeah.

Priest: Be reasonable, son. He’s a busy man. He must be thousands of miles away.

Frankie: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my last request.

Warden: Well, as it happens, this is your lucky day, because I happen to have Johnny Cash in my office.

[laughter]

Frankie: [looks at the warden dubiously] Yeah, and I got Elvis in my livin’ room. Listen, man, I want THE Johnny Cash to come sing to me in person, all right?

[The warden nods and walks over to the opposite door while the guard hustles Frankie to the side.]

Warden: [calling into hallway] Mr. Cash?

Johnny Cash: [off camera] Yes.

[Johnny Cash saunters in, with a white shirt underneath his black suit, his guitar slung over his back.]

Johnny Cash: Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. I feel very privileged to be here at this special farewell concert.

[laughter and applause]

Johnny Cash: [to Frankie] What did you do?

Frankie: I took a stroll on the governor’s front lawn.

Guard: And the signs are clearly marked, “Keep off the grass.”

Johnny Cash: You’re condemnin’ this man to death for trespassing?

Guard: Oh, it is a beautiful lawn.

Johnny Cash: Well, what can I sing for ya?

Frankie: How ’bout “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall”? [laughter] The original, uncut version.

Warden: Wait a second, wait a second. What’s he talking about?

Johnny Cash: Warden, y’know, it does seem to me that a condemned man… is–should be allowed to hear a song that he loves in its entirety, before going to eternity. And the original, uncut version of “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall” is “Ninety-Nine Thousand, Nine Hundred and Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

[Johnny Cash pulls out his guitar and starts strumming. The warden groans and covers his eyes with his hand, while the guard makes a disgusted face.]

Johnny Cash: Ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
Ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
One of those bottles should happen to fall,
There’s ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

[ZOOM in on the wall clock above the far door. The hands start spinning around in fast-motion from a quarter to six on past twelve-thirty, and go out of focus. FADE to the guard dozing on his own shoulder. Frankie is grinning and dancing in place.]

Johnny Cash: Seventy-seven thousand, six hundred and twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
There’s seventy-seven thousand, six hundred and twenty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall–

[PAN over to Frankie’s old cell, where the warden leans wearily on the bars and the priest is closely studying his Bible.]

Other Inmate: [in neighboring cell] This is cruel and unusual punishment! Take me first!!

[FADE back to a fuzzy shot of the wall clock as the hands spin around. They finally stop at ten to eight. ZOOM out to show Johnny Cash still playing, while Frankie continues to boogie in place. The guard is sound asleep on his desk.]

Johnny Cash: Two bottles of beer left on the wall,
There’s just two more bottles of beer on the wall,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
There’s just one more bottle of beer on the wall.

[PAN over to show the priest leaning against the cell bars and having a burger and a milkshake. The warden and the other inmate are playing cards through the bars inside.]

Johnny Cash: There’s one bottle of beer on the wall,
There’s just one bottle of beer on the wall,
If that one bottle should happen to fall…
There’s no more bottles of beer… on the wallllllll.

Frankie: [clapping] You were GREAT, man! That stuff was GREAT!

[Frankie and Johnny give each other five as the guard snaps awake. Rubbing his eyes, the guard slowly moves to take Frankie’s arm.]

Frankie: That was GREAT, man! Y’know, you’re some man! That was somethin’… ONE MORE TIME!!!

[laughter and applause]

Priest: YOU’VE HAD YOUR LAST REQUEST! Get MOVING!!!

[The guard starts pulling Frankie into the execution room.]

Frankie: Wait a second! I seem to remember there be some more verses to that! There’s some more to it!

[phone rings]

Frankie: [to guard] That’s the warden! I mean, that’s the governor!

Guard: You’re dreamin’, pal.

Frankie: That’s the GOVERNOR, man!!

Guard: You’re dreamin’.

Frankie: Yes, it is!

[The warden steps over to answer the phone.]

Warden: Hello? [pause] It IS the governor.

Frankie: [gasps in hope] Huh!

Warden: Hello. [pause] Yes, he’s here.

[Frankie grins confidently and reaches for the receiver.]

Warden: It’s for you, Mr. Cash.

[Frankie keeps his hand outstretched, but the guard drags him into the execution room. The priest follows them inside while the warden hands the phone over to Cash.]

Johnny Cash: Hello? Oh, hello, yes, hello, Governor.

[A door slams loudly shut.]

Johnny Cash: Well, thank you, Governor. Oh, yes, we’d love to come next week to… to dinner. Uh, sure, I’ll bring June and the kids, yes.

[Frying sounds are suddenly heard, and the lights flicker.]

Johnny Cash: [shouts into phone] What?! Pardon me, you’ll have to speak a little louder, Governor, there’s a little interference on the line! [pause] What? A barbeque? On your front lawn, you’re settin’ up tents?

[More frying sounds are heard as the lights flicker again and Johnny strains to hear the Governor. FADE to a slide of an album cover with a vinyl record poking out as harmonica music rises.]

Announcer: Look for “Johnny Cash Live on Death Row,” coming soon to record shops near you.

[Johnny’s grim face fills the cover. A caption in the lower right corner reads, “FEATURING THE HIT: 9,999 BOTTLES OF BEER.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

Reagan’s Illigitimate Son

…..Eddie Murphy

[Eddie is sitting at his desk in his office]

Eddie Murphy: I think it’s time to set the record straight once and for all and I think it’s time that the truth is known. You see, I’ve been keeping this quiet for quite some time man but no more. There’s a lot that you people don’t know about me and there’s alot I don’t know myself you see, because my papa left home when I was very young. He left me and my mama when I was ten years old. Papa, I know you’re watching and I know what you’re feeling.I know what I’m feeling. Hey man, I love you. Why don’t you just come on home because we need you. You all know myfather. (Pulls out a photo of Ronald Reagan) I’m Ronald Reagan’s illegitimate son.

I remember when you first left home, papa. It was a Saturday morning. We was watching Gumby together. It was your favorite show, papa. I got up and went into the kitchen to get me a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and I looked inside the refrigerator and there wasn’t no milk and he patted me on the head and he said “Don’t worry son, I’ll go to the store and get you some milk.” Papa, I ain’t seen you since man! Next thing I know, you’re the govenor of California. Now you’re in the White House and I’ve got a half brother prancing around the country in a pair of danskins man! It’s embarrassing man!

Papa, please. Papa, look, I want to tell the people of the world. I have proof that he’s my father. Here’s a pictureof papa and me and my mama when I was about three years old. (shows a doctored photo of three year old Eddie (his adult face), his mama and Ronald Reagan) (Gets teary eyed) Papa, I love you please come home. Papa please. The address is Harlem, 413 125th Street, The Kennedy Projects papa. Apartment 3C. Papa please! Papa please, I love you! Papa!

(breaks down)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 8

Air Date: December 12th, 1981

Bit Players: Yale Wiffenpoofs

None

Andy Murphy
The Phone Company

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: Bill Murray introduces the audience to his close, personal friend, Santa Claus (Andy Murphy).

Transcript

Tales of the UnlikelySummary: A trio of Libyan terrorists (Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Robin Duke) pose as students in an attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan on behalf of Colonel Kaddafy.

Transcript

Hotel RoomSummary: Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) mourns the loss of “Tomorrow” by pretending to continue hosting the show in a singy hotel room.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

The Spinners perform a medley of their hitsNote: The Spinners’ medley includes the hits “Then Came You”, “I’ll Be Around”, and “Working My Way Back to You.”

MX-5 TamponsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) promotes the tampons that are stronger than Brenda Vaccarro’s preferred brand.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray outlines the numerous misspellings of Kaddafy. Sportscaster Joe Piscopo airs an early interview with Muhammed Ali (Eddie Murphy) prior to going to him for an update on his boxing career. In a filmed report, Mary Gross gets childrens’ reaction to the overcommercialization of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali.

Transcript

Designer Fairy TalesSummary: Brooke Shields (Mary Gross) reads the tale of how elves helped Ralph Lauren (Bill Murray) create a new fashion line.

Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Michael DavisSummary: Prompted by a fan letter, comic-juggler Michael Davis attempts to juggle three bowling balls.

Father Guido Sarducci’s PredictionsSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) unveils his psychic predictions for the coming year.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

At Home With The PsychosSummary: Suburban family (Bill Murray, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Eddie Murphy) living next to a cracked nuclear reactor prepare for World War 3 and the opportunity to get rich selling blowhole cosmetic accessories to the radiation-affected survivors.

Transcript

The Economics of ChristmasSummary: Rich couple (Joe Piscopo, Christine Ebersole) turns down Honker’s (Bill Murray) request for a handout in favor of him earning it through trickle-down economics.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

The Yale Wiffenpoofs

GoodnightsTranscript

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Goodnights

…..Bill Murray

[ Center stage: a somewhat somber Bill Murray gathers with the cast, the Spinners, and the Yale Whiffenpoofs. ]

Bill Murray: Well, we’ve had a very good time, uh, here tonight. Here in the studio, what all of us don’t know and what we just found out is that the uh, members of the Solidarity in Poland were all arrested, and the country’s been taken over by the Soviets. So, we’ve had a lot of laughs here and The Spinners, y’know — it’s no joke, Jim. It’s real sad. And the Spinners were here and great, and these poor stiffs from Yale think this is the biggest night of their lives and now they gotta go in the army. [ everyone laughs except Bill ] But uh, it’s Christmas, and uh, there’s still a bargain to be had in Fort Lee, New Jersey. There’s still uh, things you can pick up, when people are not watching in, in various department stores, here in Manhattan anyway. But our hearts should be with — and they are, with the good people of Poland. God bless them, every one. Good night, everyone.

[ Applause. They all wave goodbye as the credits roll. ]

Announcer: Be sure to be with us two weeks from tonight, for Saturday Night Live, with guests Rod Stewart, Tina Turner and Yoko Ono. This is Bill Hanrahan saying good night.

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Bill Murray’s Monologue

…..Bill Murray
Santa Claus…..Andy Murphy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Murray!

Bill Murray: Welcome. It’s going to be a great show tonight! We have some increible, incredible guests – starting with this man. Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus! [ Santa walks out and is hugged by Bill ] I love this guy! I want to tell you something about this man. Santa’s schedule this time of year is almost as hectic as mine. I mean.. I call him up, though, and I said, “Chris, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Can you be here?” He said, “Billy, two things: What time, and What do I wear?” The guy is a saint! A legitimate Christian holy man. You know what I’m saying? I mean, everyone knows, around Christmas, the guy is working. What they don’t know is the Kringle does this 365 a year. True story: Glen Campbell Invitiational Golf Tournament. The nut – Claus – shows up, gives Rolex watches to everybody. [ holds up his arm ] I haven’t taken it off! It’s incredibly expensive! [ turns to Santa ] I love you, man! [ hugs Santa ] Is he gorgeous? Can we hear a round? He’s gonna be back later! We’ll be right back! I am very excited!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Joe Piscopo
Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali…..Eddie Murphy
…..Mary Gross
Boy #1…..Seth Green

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchor Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray.

Our top story tonight: The White House announced today that job vacancies caused by the 1500 Americans who have to leave Libya will be filled by striking PAT-CO air traffic controllers. President Reagan has promised that as he calls endangered Americans home from hostile countries, they will be replaced by air traffic controllers until all 12,000 of them are unemployed again.

Well, this man, Libyan leader, Col. Moammar Kadaffi, has been the study of intense news coverage this week by every major news origanization in America. However, every time his name appears in print, it has a different spelling. “The Chicago Tribune” spells it K-H-A-D-A-F-Y; “The Los Angeles Times” spells it K-A-D-A-F-I; “Newsweek” Magazine, K-A-D-D-A-F-I; “Time” Magazine, G-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The Wall Street Journal”, Q-A-D-H-A-F-I; “The Washington Post”, Q-A-D-D-A-F-I; “The New York Times”, el-Qaddafi. My personal favorite is from the comic book publishers — Kadaffy Duck.

Brian Doyle-Murray: How do you spell Kadaffi? Let us know. [ news screen scroll many weird spellings of Kadaffi ] Our news research department has determined that no two people spell it alike. Send us your spelling of Kadaffi, and remember, it can’t be the same as any of these spellings you’re seeing on the screen right now. The most original spelling of the Libyan leader’s name will be awarded a one-way ticket to Tripoli — that is, if your passport allows you to go there. So, send that in — let us know how YOU spell Kadaffi!

In Little Rock, Arkansas, the state is trying to prove that the theory of Creation is just as scientific as Darwinian evolution, and it should be taught in the public school. Well, State Attorney General, Steve Clark, has been attacked by Creationists as possibly being too sympathetic to the theory of evoluton, and therefore unfit to represent the state. Attorney General Clark, shown here in a courtroom artist’s sketch, says he’s an elected official and cannot be forced to withdraw from the trial.

The government of France announced today that, in addition to selling advanced weapons to ANY country that wants them, it is willing to buy licquor for underaged students while they wait in the car.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, once again, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it, is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe!

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Brian! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story: Mohammed Ali. Last night. Fight. Drama. Bahama! LOST! It’s been a long road for Ali! I remember when I was a young sportcaster at a small television station, when I interviewed a then-young fighter named Cassius Clay! Let’s take a look!

[ cut to Joe’s early black-and-white footage of the interview ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Sportstime! The big story: Clay! Cassius! Mouth! Big! Fight! Liston! What’s the story, Cassius?

Cassius Clay: I can’t believe Sonny Litoen’s getting inside the ring with me! Getting in with me, Cassius Clay! The man’s a disgrace to boxing! He’s too old to be fighting me! The man’s 32-years-old! 32! The man’s ready for a rocking chair! I guarantee the world — I’m gonna shock the world, prove the world, I’m the greatest fighter of all time! Destroy this man, and I’m gonna keep the Heavyweight Championship of the world for five years straight, then I’m gonna retire from the boxing game, healthy, happy, rich and pretty! I’m the greatet fighter of all time!

[ cut back to Joe in the studio, modern day ]

Joe Piscopo: Well, 2o years later, here! Now! Mohammed Ali! [ Mohammed Ali appears via satellite, aged ] What’s the story, Mohammed?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… But with a face so cheap, I won’t be back for a while.

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, how do you feel after last night’s fight?

Mohammed Ali: [ mumbles unintelligbly ]

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed! Fact! Have you taken one punch too many?

Mohammed Ali: I’m sick and tired of people saying the same old things everytime people walk off from the street. Do I sound like I took too many punches? Everybody’s saying I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m old, I got brain damage. I’m the greatest fighter of all time! People are saying I’m washed up, I’m old, I’m senile — How can you say that after all I’ve done for you? After all I’ve done for you. I MADE you, Cosell!

Joe Piscopo: Mohammed, are you gonna fight again?

Mohammed Ali: I like your show, I admire your style… [ singing ] “Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oh. And on this farm, he had some…”

Joe Piscopo: Well, there you have it! Ali, confused. Career? Over! Brain cells? Few! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Joe.

Well, the holiday season brings out the little child in all of us. Correspondent Mary Gross has prepared this special report.

[ cut to footage of Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: Christmas. A time for joy, a time for love, a time for sharing. It’s a special season with a special meaning for us all — especially the young. I’m here at Rockefeller Center to find out what Christmas means to children.

[ cut to responses from various children ]

Boy #1: It’s a major headache! The stores are crowded, and there’s traffic!

Boy #2: It’s so commercialized. I was at Macy’s a few months ago, and they already had the Christmas decorations up!

Girl #1: It has NO religious significance! THe people are just out to make a BUCK!

Boy #3: It just isn’t what it used to be. I remember in, uh… ’77, ’78… THAT was Christmas!

Boy #4: No Christmas specials! Give me a break!

Boy #5: You know who I hate the most? Perry Como!

Girl #1: The WORST thing about Christmas… is having to get together with your family! [ she rolls her eyes ]

Girl #2: It doesn’t matter what they give me; I’m just gonna return it anyway!

Boy #1: I wish they’d just me cash!

[ return to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: The spirit of Christmas, mirrored in the smiling faces of children! This is Mary Gross, saying Merry Christmas one and all.

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: A fine report, Mary! Thank you! Well, that’s the news. Good night, and Merry Christmas.

SNL Transcripts