Author: Don Roy King

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Heroin in Harlem

Woman…..Gail Matthius
Man…..Charles Rocket
Peter…..Joe Piscopo
Bitsy…..Ann Risley
Pusher…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on heroin den, as two pairs of white couples enter the room ]

Woman: Isn’t this place the most!

Bitsy: Well, it does have a certain charm!

Man: Well, I figure if we’re gonna do heroin, we might as well do it up right. I mean, after all, everyobdy’s doing it at all the chic parties.

Woman: Yeah, but we’re doing it in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]

Bitsy: I wonder if this is the same place where the Kennedy kids get theirs?

Peter: Ohhh… I don’t know about this heroin business. Aren’t you afraid it will lead to harder stuff?

Man: Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t poop on the party! Geez! I mean, you’re probably the kind of guy who worries about dirty needles. Losen up, huh?

Peter: Why don’t we — why don’t we just do cocaine?

Woman: Oh, cocaine is so last year! Cocaine is like quiche! Heroin is like…

Man & Woman: Sushi!

[ suddenly, a Junkie emerges from a back room ]

Pusher: Yo, man! What y’all doin’ in here?!

Woman: Uh — we’re here to SCORE! You a pusher?

Pusher: [ he pops out his switchblade ] I’m gonna CUT your white skin! [ he presses the blade to her neck ]

Bitsy: Oh… my… God…

Woman: Bitsy, this is all the — all the thrills are part of the heroin experience! They’ll DIE downtown when they find out we were threatened by a BLACK junkie in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]

Man: Oh, hey — you wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of you threatening my wife, would you? [ he takes out his camera and takes a photograph ] Hold it right there! Gotcha! Alright!

Peter: Alright, we are here for a reason — let’s talk heroin. How much? [ he takes out a roll of bills ]

Pusher: Say what?!

Peter: Pal, I don’t like to haggle on a deal! I’m a bottom-line guy. so, what is it?

Pusher: Well… [ he takes the roll of bills ] that’d be fine, what you got there. Here you go. [ he drops a stash on the table ]

Peter: Hmm… [ he picks up the stash ]

Man: Hey, wait a minute — I mean, you’re gonna show us how to use it, aren’t you?

Pusher: You just COOK IT and SHOOT IT!

Woman: Euuggghhh… can’t you bake it in a brownie, or something?

Pusher: Do I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy to you?

Bitsy: Now, is this 100% pure heroin? ‘Cause I don’t want to put anything unnatural into my body.

Man: That’s a good point. Hey, uh, let’s just snort it here. [ he distributes the heroin ] Here’s some for you… soem for you… some for you… Okay, we’re gonna snort it, alright? Everybody together, at the same time? Alright, ready? 1… 2…

Pusher: Okay, FREEZE! [ he steps forward ] Lt. Sam Cleveland, Narcotics Squad!

Man: Oh, WOW! It’s a BUST!

[ the other pretend junkies step forward with handcuffs ]

Woman: Officer, you must be kidding! You’re not really gonna arrest us!

Pusher: BOOK ’em!

Woman: What?! Come on, this is SILLY! My husband’s a stockbroker, I sell antiques — do we look like criminals?

Pusher: Look — I am SICK AND TIRED of you junkies coming up and giving Harlem a bad name! You should have STAYED on Park Avenue where you belong! Now, let’s get out of here!

Woman: Oh, come on…

Man: At least let us get some pictures…

[ the officers lead the men and women away, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Kung Fu Fashions

Owner…..Eddie Murphy
Customer…..??
Caine…..David Carradine
Master…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open up on black menswear shop, as a customer checks himself in a mirror ]

Owner: You like that, don’t you?

Customer: LOVE it, man!

Owner: You look GOOD, man!

Customer: Thank you, Brother! Thank you!

Owner: I’m tellin’ you, man — you looking’ respectable now, I tell you!

Customer: You got it!

Owner: Now, don’t you be tellin’ nobody about them discounts I give you now!

Customer: That’s cool, baby.

Owner: That’s cool!

Customer: I’ll be back next Friday, just so you know.

Owner: Okay!

Customer: I appreciate what you doing for me.

Owner: Believe me, I’ll check you — hey, man, don’t forget your skilly now!

[ the customer grabs his hat and heads for the door, as Caine appears in the doorway ]

Customer: Watch where you GOING, man!

Caine: Uh, excuse me. The path is often narrow.

Customer: Sorry, man.

Caine: I seek water.

Customer: Well… when you FIND it, I hope you take a BATH in it!

[ he exits the shop ]

Owner: Say-hey, my man! What can I do you!

Caine: Uh — I have wandered far. My thirst is great. I seek water.

Owner: Water? Water? Man, you would have NO trouble finding something to drink if you were DRESSED right!

Caine: [ looking at his clothes ] A man’s soul is clothed in the remnants of his deeds.

Owner: Hey, man, look — there ain’t NO soul in looking thread-bare and funky! [ he removes Caine’s hat ] Now, take this stuff off. But you DO look funky, let me tell you. I don’t know what this is you got on. You must have been walking a long ways! Take this off, now. [ he reaches over to a rack ] Check this here out — Mohair! It’s got elastic armpits… a place for the stash over here. Check it out, man! When’s payday?

Caine: What’s “payday”?

Owner: You know — Payday! From work! Ohhh, I gets it — you a PLAYER!

Caine: Yes! I am the archer and the target… the pitcher and the catcher… the spectator in the stands. Sometimes, I sell the hot dogs.

Owner: Well, look, my man — you gonna play, you got to play for KEEPS! Now, you got to play in STYLE! [ he holds the jacet open for the timid Caine ] Go on, put it on!

Caine: Huh?

Owner: Put it on! It ain’t gonna hurt you! You looking — put that bag DOWN! You a tacky-looking white dude, let me tell you that!

[ Caine puts the jacket on, then wraps his satchel over it ]

Owner: Now, check this out — [ he places a hat on Caine’s head ] Simulated cheetah! You be turning heads and breaking necks with THAT hat, my man! Come on, take a look at yourself in the glass! You looking good!

Caine: I seek water.

Owner: Yeah, water, right. Just look at yourself in the mirror! You looking VICIOUS! Ha ha! Yeah.

[ Caine poses in front of the mirror, until the image of his Master appears ]

Master: Be not seduced by the allure of fine menswear, Grasshopper. For, with each season, fashions change. Trust not your fate to gay Italians, Grasshopper.

Caine: But, Master — where the peacocks gather, is not a gray sparrow made to eat at the small card table?

Owner: Say, I don’t even KNOW the dude, man!

Master: Is it clothes you seek, Grasshopper, or the approval of other men? Roll that around in your peabrain for a while!

Caine: Master! I wish to ask you one more thing!

Owner: Go ahead, Brother — I’m all ears!

Caine: Why do you call me “Grasshopper”?

Owner: Who called you “Grasshopper”?

Master: I call you “Grasshopper”, because you are ugly like insect.

[ Caine’s Master fades away ]

Caine: But, Master! I thought you were blind?

Owner: I’m not blind! I’m BLACK! And I ain’t called you no Grasshopper, neither! Now, look here, my — [ Caine twists around and karate chops at the Owner ] Say, be chilling, now! Don’t be hopping ’round the store! Come over here! I want you to check out this righteous walking stick! [ he holds up a walking stick ]

Caine: I cannot wear your jacket or walk your stick.

Owner: What’s wrong, man? That jacket fits PERFECT!

Caine: It fits the body, but not the… heart.

Owner: Oh, it’s tight around the chest? Well, let me customize it for you. I’ll put a little seam up under it. [ he holds a pair of scissors to the back of the jacket, as Caine jumps ] Hold still, now! I ain’t gonna cut you now. Y’all come over here, y’all get all scared — we ain’t gonna hurt you! [ he cuts a seam into the back of the jacket ] Here we go. You looking good! Go on, try it out now.

Caine: Soul and priest fears nothing.

[ Caine stands before the mirror once again and poses ]

Owner: Lord have mercy!

[ the image of Caine’s Master reappears in the mirror ]

Master: The man of the spirit wears not the clothes of the pimp!

[ Caine’s Master fades away ]

Caine: [ removing the jacket ] I cannot wear your jacket!

Owner: Say, but, hey — I CUSTOMIZED it! When I customize something, it’s SOLD! A SALE! Ffity dollars!

Caine: [ he shrugs ] I have no money.

Owner: You ain’t got no — well, then, you in TROUBLE, my man! You got some RINGS or something? What you got in the BAG over there?!

Caine: Only what a disciple needs.

Owner: [ confused ] I thought you was a player?

[ music stings ]

Caine: I am a wanderer. My name is Caine. [ he pauses ] They used to call me “Grasshopper”.

Owner: Oh, yeah?

Caine: Well… now, I must destroy your store.

Owner: Say what?!

[ Caine strikes martial arts poses ]

Caine: It’s what I do best.

Owner: Say, man — you been smoking DUST or something?!

Caine: Don’t worry, don’t worry… I do it in slow-motion.

Owner: Man, what’s wrong with you? You out your mind or —

[ Caine throws up his leg and karate kicks a display to the ground ]

[ the Owner quickly dials the phone, as Caine proceeds to destroy the store with his hands and feet ]

Owner: Say, POLICE?! I got a guy here tearing up the place! Yeah, he a BUM! A WHITE dude! I think he been smoking DUST! Used to be the GRASSHOPPER!

[ the band plays “Pick Up The Pieces”, as the camera pans out, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Babes In Thailand” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special

(A Christmas wreath is displayed with a message inside.)

Mr. Hands V/O: Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot would like to cordially invite all you kiddies to spend Christmas Eve with us.

(Cut to Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot standing out in the middle of a snowstorm with a fire barrel to keep them warm.)

Mr. Bill: Oh hey kids. Gee, I’m sorry we don’t have a better place to do our Christmas show from. We’ve had some hard times lately and.

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yeah and we haven’t had much to eat and it’s been real cold. But don’t worry kids because we’re still going to have a really merry Christmas. Yay! You know, Christmas hasn’t always been this bad. Why in fact Miss Sally, I can still remember my first Christmas when Santa came and he brought some Christmas presents and toys. Oh boy. Oh.

(Cut to the Bill’s house set up for Christmas with Mr. Bill as a baby in his crib with his mother watching him.)

Mr. Hands: (Deep voice) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Baby Billy: Santa. Oh.

Mr. Hands: That’s right Billy. It’s Santa Sluggo and he says to hand our Christmas stockings high so we he can build them with plenty of Christmas treats (Places Spot’s stocking high on the wall)

Mom: Oh why don’t you leave Billy alone? We were having a nice Christmas. (Mr. Hands takes a huge bag and starts dumping the contents into the stocking) Oh wait, Spot’s under the stocking! Don’t fill it! Be careful Spot!(The stocking collapses on top of Spot. Mr. Hands dumps the rest of the bag on top of Spot) Oh no! Spot!

Mr. Hands: And say! Santa’s giving Billy a new train set. (Places a train track under Baby Billy’s crib.)

Mom: Leave Billy alone! (The toy train comes and knocks over Baby Billy and his mom.)

Mr. Bill V/O: Gee that was a terrible Christmas. But you know, I can remember the first Christmas I was able to help trim the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that was good.)

(Billy is a toddler now in his playpen)

Mr. Hands: (Places a Sluggo in a Box with Spot on top of it) Say Billy. First we’ll need a star for our Christmas tree. Let’s see if Mr. Sluggo knows where we can get one.

Billy: Okay. (Mr. Hands turns the crank of the box. Sluggo pops up and sends Spot into the ceiling in the shape of a star.)

Mr. Hands: Oh Spot would make a great star. (Places Spot on top of the tree.)

Billy: Oh poor Spot. Oh why don’t you leave the poor little dog alone huh Mr. Hands?

Mr. Hands: Say Billy, could you help me string this popcorn?

Billy: Well okay but… (Mr. Hands uses the pin to stick the popcorn through Billy’s hand) Oh no! Don’t stick that! No wait stop no, Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Okay, now we’ll hang it on the tree (Wraps the popcorn and Billy on the tree.)

Billy: Oh I don’t like trimming the Christmas tree. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: But Billy, you make such a great looking ornament.

Billy: Oh Mr. Hands. Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: There, isn’t that nice?

Billy: I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Okay, now I’ll light the tree. (Uses a lighter to set the Christmas tree on fire.)

Billy: No don’t do that! Oh no! (Falls off the tree)

Mr. Bill V/O: Oh gee and the next Christmas, I got my first sled.

(Cut to Billy sitting on his sled on top of a rocky mountain.)

Mr. Hands: Say Billy. How about a sleigh ride down the mountain?

Billy: No, but it didn’t snow this Christmas! No, leave me alone Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Race you downhill! (pushes the sled down the jagged rocky mountain.)

Billy: Oh noooo! Oh noooooooo!

(Cut to an ice skating rink with Spot in it)

Mr. Bill V/O: Gee and the next Christmas, Spot got a pair of ice skates.

(An ice skate falls and slices Spot.)

Mr. Bill V/O: And soon I was old enough to get my first bike.

(Cut to a bicycle)

Mr. Hands: (placing Billy on the handle bars) Say Billy, why don’t you hop up on the handle bars? And I’ll give you a ride on your new bike (Starts pushing the bike)Billy: No, but I can’t hold on. I’m too young to ride (Falls off and gets chopped up inside the wheel) No wait, Ohhhhhhhh!

(Cut back to present day)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!

Miss Sally: But, Mr. Bill, this isn’t such a bad Christmas after all.

Mr. Bill: You know, that’s right Miss Sally. At least we all have each other. Yay! Merry Christmas everybody! Miss Sally: Merry Christmas!

(Spot barks)

Mr. Bill: Yay! and a Happy New Year! Everybody! See you next year! Yay! Bye Bye! Yay!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Rocket Report

…..Charles Rocket

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: Here now, “The Rocket Report”.

[ dissolve to outdoor Christmas setting, as Charles Rocket steps forward ]

Charles Rocket: Christmastime. Such a WONDERFUL time. Hi! Charles Rocket, in New York City! And I can’t think of a better place to be at Christmastime. Just take a look — the decorations, the excitement, the shopping, the shoppers, the stores! It’s just Christmas spirit… MAGNUM!

Well, I can’t think of anybody I’d much rather share the Christmas spirit with than… Old Saint Nick himself — Santa Claus! Too bad he can’t be here in New York to share all this Christmas spirit. But he’s too busy. What do you think he’s doing right now?

[ dissolve to Santa Claud drinking from a bottle on a corner of Times Square ]

Charles Rocket V/O: I’ll bet he’s up at the North Pole reading all the children’s letters, furiously trying to decide how many toys he can build and how much time it’s gonna take him.

[ cut to Santa Claus staggering in the middle of traffic to cross the street, as vehicles honk at him ]

Charles Rocket V/O: The elves are all pitching in, Mrs. Claus is baking cookies in the Claus home, and all the elves are running in out of the cold to get some cookies and some warm soup. How does he do it?

[ cut to Santa Claus digging through garbage on the sidewalk ]

Charles Rocket V/O: You know, he’s never asked anybody for any donatinos of any kind. Instead, he’s managed to come through every year, though he has nothing more than his dedication to children as his only means of support.

[ cut to Santa Claus looking in a shop window ]

Charles Rocket V/O: I think it’s wonderful that a guy would work so hard against ALL odds to take on a task so… SO enormous. And he always seems to come up with JUST the right kind of ideas for gifts for girls and boys, all over the world.

[ return to Charles Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: And… how does he know which girls are naughty and which girls are nice?

[ cut to Santa Claus propositioning women as they walk along the sidewalk ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Well, apparently, he has some secret system, whereby he simply reaches out and, as it were, comes up with the right answer each and every time, never missing a trick.

[ cut to Santa Claus lighting up on the sidewalk with help from a fellow passerby, then choking on the smoke ]

Charles Rocket V/O: And what does he do when he runs out of ideas? where does he get his inspiration? Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if, like a lot of us, he just gets CAUGHT UP in the spirit of things and just wants to, well, do anything he can just to make Christmas the special time of year that it is.

[ cut to Santa Claus stumbling down the stairs of a strip club and walking down the sidewalk ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Can you imagine what it mustb e like when Santa comes down the stairs after a warm and wonderful night with Mrs. Claus, and steps outside knowing he’s about to fulfill everyone’s msot important dreams and fantasies.

[ cut to Santa Claus urinating on the side of a building ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Always right there, where and when we want him.

[ return to Charles Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: Santa Claus! Truly a HECK of a guy with a HECK of a job, who really comes through in a HECK of a way each year after year. He sees the whole world in just one night. A guy who’s definitely as special as that needs… a kind of special love and affection that only we can seem to conjure up at Christmastime. But at least we’re capable of it. We do come through each time, every time, this time of year. I’m Chales Rocket! Christmastime in New York City! We’ll see you again some other time.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Valley Girls At The Mall

Vickie…..Gail Matthius
Debbie…..Denny Dillon
Steve…..Joe Piscopo
Randy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on exterior, Cedar Mall during Christmas shopping ]

[ Valley girls Vickie and Debbie carry their bags and popcorn to a planter at the center of the scene, and sit ]

Vickie: [ she sighs ] I am Miss BORED City of 1980! What time is it?

Debbie: Well, it’s two, now. I mean, we’ve already been here four hours, but my mother’s not picking us up ’til 5:30.

Vickie: MY GOD!! We’ve done everything there is to DO at this STUPID MALL! God, I’m BORED to the MAX!

Debbie: We could go back to Hutton’s and try on the make-up at the counter?

Vickie: No WAY! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] RUDE CITY! I told her to bite the bag, and left.

So, uh… are the guys gonna meet us here or what?

Vickie: My God! Ask me, I’m sure, I don’t know. Well, Steve says… that Randy and he are coming here… and I go that we were coming here, too, and so that maybe they could see us. And then, Steve goes, “Okay.” And then, Randy goes, “Okay.” And then, I go, “Yeah.” And then, he goes, “Bye.” And then, I go, “Bye.” And he goes, “See ya’!” [ she laughs ] God! I almost DIED! I love it.

Debbie: [ excited ] Is this like a date, or what?

Vickie: I don’t know! But DON’T leave me alone with Steve, because he is SUCH a pervert. It’s Rape City. [ changing the subject ] What’d you buy?

Debbie: Oh… well, I got, like, you know, like, a candle for my sister? And then, like, I got some incense for my cousin in Cleveland…

Vickie: [ looking behind them ] Oh, don’t — don’t move! ‘Cause I think I see them. [ she looks again ] I DO! Oh, GOD, I’m so nervous!

Debbie: Are they coming over?

Vickie: [ whispering ] Yeah, they’re right here, shut up!

[ Steve and Randy approach ]

Steve: [ sitting on the edge of the planter ] Hi.

Vickie: [ in a more grown-up voice ] Hi, Steve.

Randy: WAIT! [ he runs across the floor, performs a jump-shot and slams his beer can into a garbage can ] TWOOO!! [ he swaps a cool handshake with Steve ]

Steve: [ to the girls ] So, uhhh… what’s happening?

[ Debbie giggles uncontrollably ]

Vickie: Well, we’ve just been all around, you know, shopping and some junk! And watching all the WEIRDOS come to the mall! [ she laughs ]

Debbie: Like this guy we saw at McDonlad’s! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: He was SO gross! [ she laughs ] And then Debbie starting laughing so hard that — [ she cracks up laughing ] root beer starting coming out her nose! God! I couldn’t believe you did it! That was so FAKE! God! Debbie! Stop being so quirky! God! [ she controls her laughter ] So, anyway — um, um, um —

Debbie: Then we practically got thrown out of Woolworth’s! They thought we were mental cases! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: Shut UP, Debbie! I’m sure! In the bag! So, um — skank! So, um — what do you guys wanna do?

Steve: Uh… we were just thinking of doing some, uh, Space Invaders.

[ Randy imitates the Space Invaders sound effects, cracking the girls up ]

Vickie: God, shut up!

Steve: [ standing ] Take it easy.

[ Steve and Randy exit and head for the arcade ]

Vickie: See? I told you he liked you!

Debbie: Well, he didn’t even say anything.

Vickie: He never DOES!

Debbie: You think he’ll call me?

Vickie: Oh, for sure! But you GOTTA write down a whole bunch of junk on a piece of paper and stuff, ’cause he doesn’t talk on the phone, either, and, like, you’ll probably have to do it ALL yourself. It’s really sad.

Debbie: Why were they acting so weird?

Vickie: They ACT that way around GIRLS, ’cause at our age, girls are TEN TIMES more mature than they are! They act so STUPID! But they can’t — they can’t help it!

Debbie: Yeah, that’s why I think we ought to go to Votech and meet some of those college guys.

Vickie: [ aghast ] THEY act like that, TOO! I swear — ALL guys, except for dads, act that way! I’m serious.

[ they exit the mall ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Virgin Search

Head NBC Executive…..??
NBC Executive #1…..Matthew Laurance
NBC Executive #2…..Mitchell Kriegman
NBC Executive #3…..Neil Levy
Deborah Lynn Faulkner / French girl / Nun / herself…..Gail Matthius

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

[ dissolve to NBC executives entering the head executive’s office ]

Head NBC Executive: You know what I have here, team? A software printout from our in-depth hardware research.

NBC Executive #2: Fabulous!

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Great! Terrific!

Head NBC Executive: Now, cool it. Now, cool it. Here she is: Sophisticated, yet naive.

NBC Executive #1: Naive! Naive!

Head NBC Executive: Typical, yet unique in a girl-next-door kind of way.

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

Head NBC Executive: Your job, team —

NBC Executive #1: Uh-huh?

Head NBC Executive: Go out and FIND her.

NBC Executive #1: No problem!

[ the executives stand so start their mission ]

Head NBC Executive: One other thing!

[ they sit ]

Head NBC Executive: She’s gotta be a virgin.

NBC Executive #2: A virgin?

[ dissolve to Anytown, U.S.A., during high school footgame ]

[ the executives spot a cheerleader jumping on the field ]

NBC Executive #1: That’s her! Hold on to these [ he hands his fellow executive a pair of binoculars and begins to climb through the crowd ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

[ the executive jumps the stands onto the field and approaches the cheerleader ]

NBC Executive #1: Miss Deborah Lynn Faulkner?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: I’m with the NBC Company, and I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: Great! There’s just one thing. Uh, you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

[ dissolve to Paris, France ]

[ the executives sit at an outdoor cafe as a group of schoolchildren pass by ]

NBC Executive #1: [ he approaches a young French girl ] Uh — Mademoiselle? Uh — excuse moi, uh — uh — parlez-vous English? Anglais?

French Girl: Oui, Monsieur.

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Êtes-vous une… une… a virgin?

French Girl: Qu’est-ce que virgin?

NBC Executive #1: [ to his fellow executives ] How do you say “virgin”?

NBC Executive #2: [ looking it up ] Vierge. Vierge.

NBC Executive #1: [ to the French girl ] Un vierge?

French Girl: [ giggling ] Uh, no, Monsieur! Monsieur Roman Polanski et moi! [ she laughs and runs off ]

[ dissolve to Rome, Italy ]

[ a group of nuns walk through a conservatory ]

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Sister? May I speak with you for just a minute? Uh — how would you like to be a big, American TV star? Uh — big bucks! Pictures for People magazine! [ she nods ] Hmm? Yeah? Terrific! Terrifico! Bueno! Uh… you are a virgin, right?

[ Executive #2 translates ]

[ the nun throws the contract down and walks away ]

Nun: DAMN YOU, Father Sarducci!

[ dissolve to Los Angeles, California ]

[ the executives sit in a bar, feeling sorry for themselves ]

NBC Executive #1: What’s the use? We failed. It’s not our fault! There are no virgins anywhere! Except my mother.

[ Gail Matthius crashes up to the bar ]

Gail Matthius: [ to the bartender ] Hey, excuse me! Excuse me, Mac! Hey! Hey! You — you, like, got special people that come in here, like, say, movie stars or celebrities or, like, TV physicists? You got those in here? You got, like — okay! Okay! So, Carl Sagan. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not on drugs or something! I don’t do drugs! I don’t do no booze! I don’t even do no SEX, man! I don’t even do S-E-X! [ Executive #1 taps her shoulder ] What?! Hey! What?! You probably thinknig why I dont’ even do sex, right?

NBC Executive #1: Uh — did you say you’re a virgin?

Gail Matthius: That’s right! I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: A virgin?

Gail Matthius: I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan! That’s right!

NBC Executive #1: We’ve found a virgin!

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] What?

NBC Executives: [ toasting their glasses ] A VIRGIN!!!

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: Come with me…

Gail Matthius: You know Carl Sagan?

NBC Executive #1: Right this way.

Gail Matthius: Hey, what’s the deal?!

[ they help drag her out of the bar ]

[ dissolve back to 30 Rockefeller ]

Head NBC Executive: Miss Matthius — may I call you Gail?

Gail Matthius: Yeah, sure! You can call me anything you like! But, listen — these guys hauled me in here! I think they know who Carl Sagan is! You know him?

Head NBC Executive: A lot of potential…

Gail Matthius: Do you know Carl Sagan?!

Head NBC Executive: Definitely a lot of potential.

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan! You know him?!

Head NBC Executive: Yes… you’re absolutely perfect.

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] Huh?

[ dissolve back to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

Gail Matthius V/O: It just goes to show you! Even in America, things like this can still happen! Huh!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
January 10th, 1981

Ray Sharkey

Jack Bruce & Friends

None

None
To Tell The TruthSummary: After revealing himself in a game show line-up, the real Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno (Matthew Laurance) is shot by a fellow gangster (Charles Rocket).

Transcript

Montage

Ray Sharkey’s MonologueSummary: Ray Sharkey jokes about his flight across the country and how much he loves New York.

Transcript

Work TimeSummary: Manual laborers drink beer before going to work, because it makes a lot more sense than being sober.

WASP TranslatorSummary: Marcello Bellini (Ray Sharkey) helps translates the repressed feelings bottled up by uptight WASPs Charles Huntington (Charles Rocket) and Ann Huntington (Ann Risley).

Tommy TortureSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) meet punk rocker Tommy Torture (Ray Sharkey) at a new wave club.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Citizens For A Better AmericaSummary: Dr. Swen Gazzara (Gilbert Gottfried) requests that President Reagan give him a “hum” job.

Transcript

Jimmy Carter at the BarSummary: A depressed Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) drowns his sorrows at a Washington bar in the days before Reagan’s inauguration, while Charles Rocket delivers a report on New York’s January 11th celebration outside.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Gail Matthius is thrilled to be Charles Rocket’s new co-anchor. Crime forecaster Marv Peters (Gilbert Gottfried) consults the Murder Map for the latest national figures. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo comments on Joe Frazier’s retirement and the growing excitement of professional bowling. Eddie Murphy requests that the draft board pass him over in favor of now out-of-work Garrett Morris.

Jack Bruce & Friends perform “Dancing On Air”

Cinematic ConfessionSummary: With a little help from his interrogator (Ray Sharkey), Vic Lazlo (Gilbert Gottfried) delivers a cinematic confession.

Transcript

“Have A Nice Day”Summary: Trailer spoofs slasher films by using smiley face symbols as the antagonists of a new horror flick.

White Baby SalesmanSummary: Shifty salesman (Eddie Murphy) moves black market white babies on unsuspecting childless couples in the park.

Transcript

Surrogate MothersSummary: A pair of surrogate mothers (Yvonne Hudson, Denny Dillon) act unruly to show their defiance for a pair of lackadaisical moms-to-be (Gail Matthius, Ann Risley).

“The Man With The Black Hat”Summary: In a film by Michael Nesmith and William Dear, a man walks around the street with his pants draped around his ankles.

Stop-A-NutSummary: The personal protection unit provides armored defense against attackers and other personal offenders.

The Waiter-MakerSummary: After star waiter Joey Dee (Charles Rocket) heads off for bigger dreams, restaurant owner Vinnie Vacarri (Ray Sharkey) tries to mold Velveeto the busboy (Gilbert Gottfried) into the perfect server.

Commercial For NothingSummary: A spokesman (Joe Piscopo) pitches a non-existent product for the low cost of $9.99.

Transcript

Eddie Murphy Stand-UpSummary: Eddie Murphy performs stand-up about an inner-city insult contest.

Note: Producer Jean Doumanian was forced, at the suggestion of Neil Levy, to allow Eddie Murphy to perform the stand-up routine he auditioned with when it was discovered that the show was running short and had no other material to use as filler. Murphy would finally be upgraded to full cast member on the next episode thanks to his performance.

Transcript

Jack Bruce & Friends perform “Livin’ Without Ja”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

White Baby Salesman

Drug Dealer…..Ray Sharkey
Baby Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
Man…..Joe Piscopo
Woman…..Ann Risley
Mother…..Denny Dillon

[ open on park sidewalk, night, as two dealers hustle people as they walk by ]

Drug Dealer: — I got hash. I got everything!

Baby Dealer: I got white babies! WHITE babies, people!

[ a passing couple stop, curious ]

Baby Dealer: Very white! Just came in today. Like a PEARL white!

Woman: Alan, this could be the answer to our prayers!

Man: Oh, I don’t know. The Margulins got burned at this park, buying a white baby. It turned out to be a bowling pin.

Woman: Well, the Margulins are idiots! Let’s at least take a look.

Man: Ah… you really want this baby, don’t you?

Woman: Well — either that, or a sofa bed.

[ the two salesmen overhear this ]

Drug Dealer: [ frustrated ] Sofa bed? Where’d you get babies?!

Baby Dealer: No, dude… just be cool.

[ the couple step forward ]

Man: Uh — [ he clears his throat ] We’re, uh, interested in the, um, white, um, baby.

Baby Dealer: Yeah, well, uh, how many you want?

Woman: Just one, I think.

Baby Dealer: Well… I can give you a price break if you buy two, plus I’ll throw in some talcum powder!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Hey — you gotta have cocaine! I got downers! I got —

Man: Uh, just — may we ask, uh, who the actual parents are?

Baby Dealer: [ nervous ] Yeah… they, uh, was a young couple…

Woman: We just want one special baby. Can we see it?

Baby Dealer: Yeah, sure. Right in here. [ he lifts a garbage can lid and points inside ] Check him out.

Woman: [ looking in ] Ohhhh, he’s beautiful!

Baby Dealer: Yeah, you ain’t gonna find another one like him! He got all his SHOTS and everything!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] How about a briefcase, man?! I got BRIEFCASES here!

Man: I’d still like to know who the actual parents are.

Baby Dealer: I TOLD you — it was a young career couple, they got married into an adults-only co-op, and they had to get rid of the baby!

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Honey, he’s smiling at me! He likes us! Let’s get him!

Man: Oh, I don’t know… what are all those red splotches? He seems to have a rash.

Baby Dealer: ALL white babies got that!

Woman: [ pleadingly ] I like red splotches.

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Say, wait a minute! How about some canned goods?! I got some chicken gumbo right there! Condensed, and everything! How about it, sir? Come on!

Baby Dealer: Hey, look, man — can’t you see I’m conducting business here?

Drug Dealer: Hey, don’t give me no —

Man: Well, let’s see… hold on…

Baby Dealer: How about I put your behind in this garbage can?!

Man: Uh… uh… let’s see, you said, uh…

Baby Dealer: $500.

Man: Yes. Well, here you go. Right there. [ he hands over money ] $500.

Baby Dealer: Well… when I see the green, you can have the baby. There you go, take it!

[ the Woman picks up the baby and squeals with delight ]

[ a young woman walks into the park, and is quickly approached by the drug dealer ]

Drug Dealer: Smoke! Got some hash, got some downs, some produce!

[ she steps closer to the baby dealer and the couple ]

Mother: Excuse me? Has anyone here seen a, a baby boy? He-he has a red, splotchy face…?

[ the drug dealer tries to back off ]

Baby Dealer: Uh — no. But if we see the baby, we’ll tell you about it!

Mother: He was right next to me in the stroller! You know, I went to catch a stray frisbee, and then —

[ she spots the baby being held by the couple ]

Mother: That’s my baby! Splotchy!

[ the woman pulls her new baby away ]

Woman: Not any more, it isn’t! We just paid FIVE BIG ONES for it!

Mother: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?! SOLD for $500?! I paid $750 for him LAST WEEK! I have the receipt right here! Look at that!!

Man: Let me see that… [ he inspects the receipt ]

[ meanwhile, the dealers have casually exited the scene as the commotion escalates ]

[ camera pans upward into audience, zooms toward man with SUPER: “This Man Has A Lot Of Cole Slaw In His Underwear” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Commercial For Nothing

Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Hi, everybody! Here’s great news! It’s here! The greatest little discovery EVER! There’s absolutely NOTHING to mix or measure! No moving parts! No messy creams!

[ the sales pitch expressions randomly begin to fill the screen ]

Here’s how to order: Trace your face on a piece of paper, and send $9.99 to Box 0, New York, New York 99999! Be sure to include ring size! Don’t delay, because when they’re gone… they’re gone!

Do it today! Send no money! Just rush $9.99 to Box 0, New York, New York 99999!

Specify one or two-car garage! And remember: No guarantee! No money back! No product! Please check Red, Blue, Green, or Natural Oak!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Cinematic Confession

Interrogator…..Ray Sharkey
Vic Lazlo…..Gilbert Gottfried
Technician…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, Interrogation Room ]

Interrogator: Alright, Lazlo! Where were you on the night of December 14th?!

Lazlo: I — I was at a movie!

Interrogator: WHAT movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — one of those science-fiction movies!

Interrogator: What theater?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — the Paramount!

Interrogator: What was the name of the movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — it’s “Star Wars”!

Interrogator: Don’t give me that “Star Wars” crap! It’s gone! “Raging Bull”‘s there now!

Lazlo: Uhhh — you got me MIXED UP!

Interrogator: Look! Why don’t you admit it, Lazslo? You robbed the grocery store at gunpoint on the night of December 13th!

Lazlo: Okay, I did it!!

Interrogator: [ surprised ] What?!

Lazlo: I did it!!

Interrogator: Are you ready to make a FULL confession?!

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: [ he holds up a gun and points it at Lazlo ] You sure?

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: Great. [ he returns the gun to his holster ] Now, we gotta put this all on tape now. It shouldn’t take us long. Police regulations, you know what I mean? [ he opens the door and peeks into the hall ] Alright, come on in, guys, set it up! Bring everything right here. How are you, Al?

Technician: [ entering with equipment ] I’m all set.

Interrogator: How’s the wife and kids?

Technician: Not bad.

Interrogator: Alright. Bring it right in here.

[ the equipment is set up ]

Interrogator: Alright. Now, you just tell the whole story, Lazlo, right into the camera right there!

Lazlo: Videotape?

Interrogator: Yeah, it’s police regulations! Don’t worry about it!

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: How’s the mike, good?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: Alright.

Lazlo: [ nervously ] My — my name is Vic Lazlo. I was behind in my rent. I got laid off from my job, so I went out and got a gun from some guy off the street.

Interrogator: Cut! Cut. I don’t know. I don’t know, Laz. I, uh, I don’t BUY it! You know what I mean? You gotta, like — you gotta, like, BEEF UP the confession. You gotta — I GOT IT!! A girl! We’ll use a girl! Put a girl in it!

Lazlo: There wasn’t any girl there.

Interrogator: Come on! Whare are you talking about? Here! Let me show you! Get outta here! I’ll show you what to do!

Lazlo: But there wasn’t any girl…

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: Look — you gotta be an actor, you gotta be an actor. Here we go. [ sobbing ] “On the night of December 14th, I was flat broke! I was behind in my rent! That night, I made passionate love with my girl. Later, we fought, she kicked me out, then I went out into the street to buy a gun!” You got it?

Lazlo: Well, I’ll — I’ll give it a try.

Interrogator: Good! Let’s do it again, okay, guys?

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: How’s everybody feeling, good? Look RIGHT into the camera! Okay, and… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ in a 1930’s gangster tone ] “It was December 14th. I was lying on my couch with my girl. She started arguing with me. She said she wanted pearls and furs and lots of pretty stuff. But I just didn’t have the dough! Well, I was getting pretty sore, so I went out and I bought a heater, and I was ready to use it!”

Interrogator: Cut! Cut.

Lazlo: What is it now?

Interrogator: I don’t know, Vic. Uh — you’re unhappy, you know what I mean? You gotta lot of ANGER inside! Let’s see that anger against society!

Lazlo: [ sighing ] This is my confession. I think the anger should come later on.

Interrogator: Vic, darling, don’t worry about it, okay? Come on, let’s pick it up again at, uh… [ snapping his fingers ] “I was ready to use it” and, uh — you know what I’m talking about, right?

Lazlo: Yeah, yeah.

Interrogator: You feel good?

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: Okay — ready? And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with anger seething ] “And I was ready to use it, even if meant a stretch in the pen! NOTHING could stand in my way!”

Interrogator: CUT! Cut!

Lazlo: Look, look — I can’t work this way! You’re screwing up my whole story! I mean, I don’t understand this. Alright, there’s a girl — what does she look like? What is our relationship like?

Interrogator: Vic, Vic… come to Poppa! Come here! [ they hug ] Don’t worry about it, hey? Come on, everything’s gonna be okay, alright?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: The girl’s, uh, the girl’s a sexy redhead, you’ve been having an intense relationship with her… you know what I mean. Now, come on! Let’s take it from the top, alright? Time is money, executives are breathing down my neck. [ to the technicians ] Hey, how you guys doing? You feeling good? You got time for one more? Alright, alright, let’s go. Okay, roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with intesne anger ] “After my girl left… I bough a gun! From a man named Scummy Frank! His name was written ALL over his face! I LOATHED him, but I had no choice!”

Interrogator: CUT!

Lazlo: Cut? Cut? What do you mean, cut?

Interrogator: I-I’m sorry, Vic. We’re out of tape. I mean —

Lazlo: [ incredulous ] The machine’s out of tape?

Interrogator: I’m really sorry, Vic.

Lazlo: Look — [ he stands ] First, you cheapen my story… you throw a girl into it for the sake of, I don’t know, cheesecake! I REFUSE to work under these conditions! I don’t work for YOU any more! You get yourself a CHEAP PICKPOCKET to finish this film for you!

Interrogator: Vic, baby! Sweetheart! Baby, come on, you’re great! You know you’re great! Come on, do this for me, just one more time! Please! Justdo it for me ONE more time! I’ll give you anything you want! Lunch at the Polo Lounge for a year! Please!

Lazlo: Alright, alright! Okay, okay! For you.

Interrogator: Okay!

Lazlo: But we get rid of the girl, we shoot this story and the confession my way, the original way.

Interrogator: Sure, Vic! Anything you want!

Lazlo: Much better.

Interrogator: Anything you want, sure! Alright, guys, we’re shooting it his way. Okay… roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ assertively ] “My name is Vic Lazlo, I’m a cheap hood! I was behind my rent, so on December 14th, I got myself a gun and held up the Chelsea grocery store! [ dramatically ] I CONFESS!! I DID IT!!! I’M GUILTYYYYY!!!!”

Interrogator: CUT!!! PRINT!!! IT’S A WRAP!!! Go back to the gas chamber, we got it! [ hugging Lazlo ] Okay, baby, we got it! Beautiful! Beautiful!

[ dissolve to overhead studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Tupperware Diaphragms” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts