Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

A Public Service Announcement: Highway Education

[ SUPER: “A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” ]

[ shows Father getting into his car, with his family inside ]

Father: Okay now, what does everybody want to read today?

Daughter: Peter Pan!

Son: Huckleberry Finn!

Mother: How about the Swiss Family Robinson?

Father: Yeah, I think the kids will get a kick out of that. [ drives off ]

Announcer: The Andersons are about to take a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive. And read a classic novel at the same time. [ The family drives off, passing a sign that says “Swiss Family Robinson Ave.” ]

Thanks to a combined effort of the Department of Education and the Department of Highways,  The American public will be better educated and more entertained each and every time the travel on one of our fine roads.

[ They pass by signs that read, “SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON by Johnathan Swift”, “CHAPTER ONE”, “Shipwrecked…”, “And alone”, “For many days…”, etc. ]

[ cut to Housewife driving; super: Housewife ]

Housewife: Oh I just love these mystery novels. You know, once I started Agatha Christie, I just can’t put her down!

Announcer: Highway education will even make bussing more acceptable, enabling students to study, even while in transit.

[ a school bus passes by signs that read, “Q: Who was the 14th American president?”,”A: Grover Cleveland” ]

[ cut to Truck Driver by truck; super: Truck Driver ]

Truck Driver: Yeah, when I finish Sartre’s Being and Nothingness on my next drive, I’ll get my Master’s degree in Western philosophy.

[ cut to Book Critic in limo; super: Book Critic ]

Book Critic: Even though I find his storylines often intriguing, Kurt Vonnegut’s pacing is much too erotic.

[ cut to elderly couple driving around; super: Elderly Couple ]

Elderly Husband: You know, me and Evelyn decided that when we retired, we’d spend the rest of our days just driving around the country and catching up on our reading. Yeah, America sure is quite a library.

[ they drive by sign that reads, “…and so they lived happily ever after. The end.” ]

Announcer: This message has been brought to you by The Petroleum council. We’re trying to educate America.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould
…..Denny Dillon

Announcer V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Elliot Gould!

[ dissolve to the new Home Base set – supposedly meant to capture “The Look of the eighties”, but really a replica of Grand Central Station. A single elevator car is centered between a winding staircase. The elevator descends its shaft, sans Gould, who appears running frantically down the staircase. Gould beats the elevator to the stage, waits a moment for it to finish its descent, then opens the doors and pretends as if he were stepping out of the elevator car, then waves tothe audience and takes his place at Home Base. ]

Elliot Gould: Uh – I really am happy to be here. You know, uh, I’ve always had a very special feeling about doing “Saturday Night Live.” This is kind of like home to me. Over the years, I have done a lot of crazy things on this show. I’ve dressed up like a girl, I’ve told jokes.. I’ve ung, I’ve danced.. I was a Bee. But, tonight – tonight, I would really like to take a serious moment and share something personal with you, because I really am moved to be he host of this, the first show of thenew season. So, I wanted to “open up” with something a little bit more meaningful.

[ runs back toward the elevator, where a large trunk stands on its side ]

You see – my mother has been, uh, collecting things — [ drags to trunk back to the front of the stage ] I’ve been in, uh — for all my life, for me. And, uh – I really wanted to share it.. with you.

[ opens the trunk, reaches in and pulls out an old cloth diaper – the audience awwwws ]

This – this was my very first diaper. [ turns it around ] And these are the original safety pins. They’re rusty now. [ looks toward an audience member ] I’d like to share this.. with you. [ hands the diaper to an audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ]

[ pulls out a tiny pair of boy’s underwear ] Oh! And this was my very first pair of real underwear! I remember when my folks gave them to me! I was so excited, I could hardly wait to put them on! [ looks toward another audience member ] I want to share this.. with you. [ hands the pair of boy’s underwear to this audience member, then returns to digging in the trunk ]

[ pulls out a pair of extremely soiled boy’s underwear ] Now – this was a — [ audience cracks up ] a very important pair of shorts. Very — this was the pair I wore for a whole summer, before I learned that you have to change your underwear! [ takes a deep sniff of the underwear, rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] I’m not gonna share this with you!

[ pulls out a pair of boxer shorts ] And these are my first pair of boxer shorts. Now, I began wearing it when I learned just how dangerous jockey shorts can be. You see — it’s true. The male, uh.. appendange.. was meant – truly – to be cooler than the rest of you. jockey shorts hold you too close and – and keep you too warm. That can make you sterile. So, if you worry about sterility, the answer just might be.. your underwear. Let me show you what I mean! [ begins to unbuckle his pants and pull them down his legs, as Denny Dillon steps forward carrying a garment bag ]

Denny Dillon: Uh.. Elliot?

Elliot Gould: Denny!

Denny Dillon: Excuse me —

Elliot Gould: Denny! What are you doing here? This is my monologue.

Denny Dillon: Well, I-I know that, but I-I didn’t know there was somebody else who understood about underwear.

Elliot Gould: Oh? You do?

Denny Dillon: Yeaaah!

Elliot Gould: Well, tell me – what kind of underwear do you have?

Denny Dillon: Well — [ pulls out two pairs of silky panties ] I’ll give you these two —

Elliot Gould: Okay.

Denny Dillon: — for, uh – those boxer shorts — [ grabs for Gould’s boxer shorts ]

Elliot Gould: Well, no, no, no! You don’t know how valuable these boxer shorts are.

Denny Dillon: Yeah?

Elliot Gould: Yeah.

Denny Dillon: [ reaches into her garment bag ] More valuable than these? [ pulls out an older pair of women’s undergarments ]

Elliot Gould: Oh?

Denny Dillon: These are my grandmother’s bloomers!

Elliot Gould: Well, I’ll tell you what, Denny, I-I-I — [ begins digging in his trunk ]

Denny Dillon: I’ll give you two —

Elliot Gould: I can trade you — [ pulls out a second pair of boxer shorts ] a pair of Donald sutherland’s boxers.. [ digs smoe more, pulls out a bra ] Nick Nolte’s brassiere —

Denny Dillon: [ pulls out a leopard-print leotard ] I’ll — I have this —

Elliot Gould: And, if you hand me that – that leotard would be very nice —

Denny Dillon: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: We’ll be right back.

[ Gould begins to excitedly dig through Denny’s garment bag, as the camera pulls back and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Speed Listening

Spokeswoman…..Denny Dillon

[ open on snobbish woman sitting back in a leather chair as she speed-reads a book. After a few moments, she finally notices the camera upon her. ]

Spokeswoman: [ speaking in airs ] Hello! One of life’s greatest pleasure is relaxing with a good obok and some good music. [ glances at her watch ] But I’m a busy woman – I like to relax fast. I read my favorite books fast, and now, I listen to my favortie music, fast. I’ve learned to.. speed-listen! [ glances at a record player on the endtable next to her chair ] As a matter of fact, I’m going to relax with the haunting strings of Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony, in its entirety, right now – while you listen more about this revolutionary idea.

[ she turns on the record player and returns to quickly reading her book. The music flows from the record player at an equally fast rate. ]

Announcer: With speed-listening, you’ll soon be enjoying the great music of the ages, that you could never pay attention to before.

[ titles scroll up the screen:

Verdi’s “Rigoletto” (20 seconds)

Wagner’s “Ring of the Nibelungen” (35 seconds) ]

Announcer: And you can listen to popular tunes, too.

[ more titles scroll up the screen:

“You Light Up My Life” (1 second)

“Just the Way You Are” (1 second)

“Stairway to Heaven” (2 seconds) ]

Announcer: Call now, and you’ll also receive: this speed-listening album:

[ dissolve to close-up of album: “The World’s Great Music” ]

Announcer: “The World’s Great Music.” Which contains the complete works of: Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Handel, Manilow, and Stravinsky.

[ image pulls out to reveal a 45 wrapped in an open sleeve ]

Announcer: And this bonus: “American Top 40 Singles from 1950 to the present.”

[ dissolve back to Spokeswoman, as she finishes both her book and Beetoven’s Fifth at the same time ]

Spokeswoman: [ exhales joyously ] Isn’t that moving! Don’t put off listening to these classic masterpieces, because you think they’re too long! Hear them in half the time, with this half-assed way of listening to music! Speed-listening! Because — [ turns record player back on ] your relaxation time is precious.

[ another classical tune plays, as she begins sleed-reading her book once more ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!

[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”

[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ]

[ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ]

[ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ]

[ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Buck Henry’s Monologue

… Buck Henry
Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout
Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill
Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore
Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer
Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer
Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant
Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]

Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.

Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.

Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.

Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.

Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]

Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.

Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.

Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?

Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.

Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?

Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.

Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”

Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.

Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.

Buck Henry: Mm hmm.

Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.

Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?

Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.

Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?

Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.

Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]

Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.

Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.

Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”

Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!

[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Trader Nick’s

Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry
Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman
Joe Daddy…..Al Franken
…..Yvonne Hudson
Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris
Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner
Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun
Famous Steve McGarrett!
And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”

Come on, Paul!

“If you need his number
It’s Hawaii Five-0!”

Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?

[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]

He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?

Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.

[ singing ]
Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France
You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style.
You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world
Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls!
But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”

Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”

Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?

Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs
But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”

Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?

Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?

Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]

Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!

Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?

Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.

Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.

Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?

Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.

[ Nick stands and sings ]

“Kiss today goodbye
And forget about tomorrow.
You did what you had to doooooo
Won’t regret!
Can’t forget!
What you did for love.
What you did for love.
What you did for love.”

Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?

Teens: [ chanting ]
“We’re poison ivy!
It’s our thing!
We do what we want to do!
Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”

Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?

Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.

Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?

Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!

Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?

Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.

Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!

Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?

Kathy Gorley: [ standing ] I’m, uh, Kathy Gorley, Senior Prom Queen.

Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?

Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?

Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?

Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.

Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.

[ singing ]
“And as we wind on down the road!
Our shadows taller than our soul!
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show!
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!

And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”

[ the crowd bursts into applause ]

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Week in Review

Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray
Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer
Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin
Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris
Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry

[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]

[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]

Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.

[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]

…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.

[ SUPER: “Countess Luciana Palermo (Pen Name) Midnight Globe” ]

…from the National Enquirer, Leon Satin.

[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]

…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.

[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]

Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?

Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.

Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?

Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.

Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?

Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.

Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?

Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —

Leon Satin: Yeah.

Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.

ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?

Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.

Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]

Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.

Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.

Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.

Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?

Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?

Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!

[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]

Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?

Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.

[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]

Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.

Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.

ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!

Hugh Gaffney: Yes!

ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!

Hugh Gaffney: No! No!

Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?

Hugh Gaffney: NO!

Dick Drake: No, I recall that.

Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!

Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.

Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.

Hugh Gaffney: I — I —

Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.

[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to:
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Suite 200 G
Palm Court Motor Hotel
Hollywood, Florida ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ]

[ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!

Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!

Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.

Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?

Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.

Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?

Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!

Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.

Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?

Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]

Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?

Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!

[ Terri and Tracy come down the stairs ]

Terri & Tracy: UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!!

[ they rush over to hug him ]

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little cupcakes! [ he begins to pat each of them on the butt ]

Betty: Okay, control yourselves, girls! Now, Roy, don’t let these little MONSTERS walk all over you!

Uncle Roy: Don’t you worry! You’d better be running along, Betty!

Betty: Oh, you’re right. Now, behave yourselves, girls!

Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!

[ Betty exits ]

Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!

Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?

Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!

Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?

Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.

Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?

Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!

Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.

Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!

Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!

Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?

Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!

Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!

Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?

Tracy: Yeahhhh!

Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!

Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!

Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!

Tracy: We got all the panties!

[ the girls jump onto the couch ]

Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.

Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!

[ the girls put panties on their heads ]

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!

Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!

[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ]

[ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]

Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!

Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…

Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!

Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…

Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!

Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!

Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!

[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]

Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]

Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?

Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.

Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?

Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.

Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!

Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!

Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…

Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.

Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!

Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?

Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!

Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ]

[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Strother Martin’s Monologue

…..Strother Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Strother Martin!

Strother Martin: Thank you, thank you. (bows, waits for applause to die down) You know, I’ve been watching this show for years and I’ve always wondered how they pick the hosts. Well, this week I found out. I was in a restaurant here in New York and I noticed a group of strangers at another table. They seemed kind of rowdy, and they kept staring at me. Well, this happens to me all the time because I’m a character actor. I’m the kind of person you know you’ve seen before but you can’t always remember where. Finally, one of the strangers came over to my table and said that they were all from Saturday Night Live and that he was the producer. And then he told me how much they all admired my work. And then he asked me if I could the show some time, and I said “sure”. And he took my number. Well, I didn’t think much about it until the next morning when I got a call from the producer and he asked me if I could do the show this week! I said, “sure”. And he said, “That’s great, Tennessee”. Tennessee? It was then that I realized that they had mistaken me for the playwright Tennessee Williams. You know, in this business I’ve learned that when opprotunity knocks you grab it by the throat. So all through reherasals I was glad to talk about The Glass Menagerie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, wonderful plays, even if I didn’t write them. But, it has been a great week anyway. And as Blanche DuBois said, “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”. We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 10th, 1980

Bob Newhart

The Amazing Rhythm Aces

Bruce Cockburn

None

None

Sarah Paley

Max Pross

Alan Zweibel

Pink Lady and CarlSummary:

Recurring Characters: Carl Sagan, Marvin Hamlisch.

Transcript

Montage

Bob Newhart’s MonologueSummary: Bob Newhart performsstand-up about an early televised expedition to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.

Transcript

The Dating ZoneSummary:

Recurring Characters: Iris de Flaminio, Colleen Fernman, Rod Serling.

Transcript

The Amazing Rhythm Aces perform “Who Will the Next Fool Be” & “Third-Rate Romance”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Transcript

The LetterSummary: After soldier Jeremy Travers (Peter Aykroyd) dies in battle, Col. Jessup (Bob Newhart) promises to write his mother, but the time keeps getting away from him.

Bruce Cockburn performs “Wondering Where the Lions Are”

Dave’s Variety StoreSummary: Dave (Bob Newhart) and his wife Betty (Gilda Radner) run a store in which they have every ridiculous item in stock that customers happen to ask for.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: After “Mr. Bill Goes To Jail” for a framed bank robbery, he becomes Mr. Hands’ unwitting escape partner from Sing Sing Prison.

Transcript

RestaurantSummary: Stan (Bob Newhart) is eager to marry Nadine (Jane Curtin) after a brief courtship, until she reveals that she’s only been slender since just before they started dating.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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