Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/24/80

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 20

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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

May 24th, 1980

Buck Henry

Andrew Gold

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

None

Liz Welch

Lee Mayman

Robin Shlien

Don Pardo

Matt Neuman

Walter Williams

Yvonne Hudson

Anne Beatts

Sarah Paley

Alan Zweibel

Richard Belzer

Andy Murphy

Akira Yoshimura
ABC NewsSummary: An eager Frank Reynolds (Harry Shearer) makes an advance announcement that Ronald Reagan and President Jimmy Carter will secure their parties’ nominations for this year’s presidential election.

Recurring Characters: Frank Reynolds, George Bush, Ted Kennedy.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry introduces the soon-to-be-famous members of “SNL”‘s sixth season.

Transcript

Lord & Lady DouchebagSummary: Lord (Buck Henry) and Lady Douchebag (Gilda Radner) are among the distinguished guests at a noble gathering at Salisbury Manor.

Transcript

Cow Minder’s DaughterSummary: Cow minder’s (Buck Henry) daughter Govinda Lynn (Laraine Newman) leaves the family cow pasture to become a famous country-Indian singer in the Far East.

Andrew Gold performs “Kiss This One Goodbye”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jack Perkins (Harry Shearer) reports on the wide-eyed Walter Keane art exhibit that’s sweeping the nation. Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris). Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Uncle RoySummary: While babysitting, Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) plays Glass-Bottom Boat with Terri (Laraine Newman) andTracy (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Terri, Tracy.

Transcript

Trader Nick’sSummary: Nick “Lava” (Bill Murray) runs a Hawaiian-themed bar outside of Niagara Falls and sings to a displaced couple (Buck Henry, Laraine Newman) from Love Canal and a rowdy group of teenagers celebrating their prom.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Iris de Flaminio.

Transcript

Week in ReviewSummary: Hugh Gaffney (Buck Henry) of the New York Times is annoyed when he finds himself participating alongside a panel of tabloid journalists.

Transcript

Mommy BeerSummary:

Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity perform “Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Burt Reynolds: 05/24/80: ABC News

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

ABC News

Frank Reynolds…..Harry Shearer
George Bush…..Jim Downey
Ted Kennedy…..Bill Murray
Oliver Selenko…..Paul Shaffer

FADE IN:

INT. ABC NEWS HEADQUARTERS NEWSROOM NIGHT

ABC News Anchor FRANK REYNOLDS is seated, facing the camera.

SUPER: FRANK REYNOLDS

Frank Reynolds: Good Evening. Last September, when the 1980 Presidential Election was only a year and a half away, we began covering the campaign. Tonight, two months before the conventions start, are projections have given the Republican nomination to Ronald Reagan and the Democratic nomination to Jimmy Carter. Hopefully, by Labor Day, we shall be able to project the actual election winner And we can all spend September and October concentrating on football.

INSERT: A STILL OF AN HOURGLASS

SUPER: THE 80 VOTE ALMOST HALFWAY OVER

Frank Reynolds: So now this long primary campaign, this string of Tuesday nights, this raid of bar graphs and exit polls, the sleazy morning after in hotel bars it all comes to an end. And like everything else in this election season, we at ABC News are bringing it to you two months early. Surely, the clearest sign that Carter and Reagan have clear sailing ahead came this week with the holding of a unique political forum.

INSERT: CONSOLATION DEBATE CHROMA KEY

Frank Reynolds: A consolation debate between Teddy Kennedy and George Bush, which will help to decide who comes in third place when Campaign 80 closes the record books. This first ever confrontation between non-frontrunners, sponsored by The League of Voters Who Dress Like Women, was held earlier today. Here are some highlights of that consolation debate. First, George Bush

INT. DEBATE HALL DAY

GEORGE BUSH stands at a podium.

George Bush: I see America moving ahead in this decade.

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

George Bush: I see problems sure. But if we didnt have problems, there would be no need for solutions. I welcome the opportunity to debate Senator Kennedy. Sure, nobody will really win. Sure, it wont count at the convention. Sure, its meaningless in November but thats the excitement of it. The sense that youre doing something, just because you want to do it. And because, you want, you have nothing else to do.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Frank Reynolds: The candidates disagreed on Iran; Bush saying the President was too indecisive while Mr. Kennedy felt he wasnt decisive enough. And then Mr. Kennedy made a final statement.

INT. DEBATE HALL

TED KENNEDY stands at a podium.

Ted Kennedy: I want to speak! To all the people out there who never won anything — except perhaps, the New York primary? All the people who enter sweepstakes

SUPER: EARLIER THIS WEEK

Ted Kennedy: Who send in coupons from their Sunday paper? The little people of this country, who dont even feel they have a chance to win. Even though their being told by the President and the media and others that they may have already won. I want those people to feel for once in their lives that someone is achieving something on their behalf. I want to win this debate and use this victory as a platform to try to give new meaning to the word third place finish. To make that a position of power, a position of importance, to do things for people like me — the people tonight who are not being notified by mail that they are winners.

INT. ABC NEWSROOM

Reynolds shakes his head.

Frank Reynolds: Quite moving when you stop to think about it. With us in our Washington studios tonight to help evaluate the campaign is our Director of Polling — Oliver Selenko.

Reynolds turns his chair to a monitor displaying OLIVER SELENKO, whos standing beside a chalkboard labeled VOTING SUB-GROUPS 1976 and a circle below it.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, based on what we know now, and what we dont yet know — how does a Reagan-Carter race stack up in November?

Oliver Selenko: Well Frank, to understand an election, you have to understand the groups who are voting. Different groups of people vote in different ways and some dont vote at all.

The SCREEN fills up with Olivers story.

Oliver Selenko: Statistically, this concept is often illustrated with the pie chart.

SUPER: OLIVER SELENKO

Oliver Selenko: In which, the different influence of sub-groups can be shown. Lets take, for example, the blacks, who voted for Carter in 1976. But now, not as likely to vote, they may account for only six percent of the voting margin — a very small slice of the overall pie.

Oliver smears a piece of pie into the circle.

Oliver Selenko: Now, on the other hand, take the middle-class Protestants. Not only are they numerically a large group-

Frank Reynolds (V/O): Now, youre talking about raw numbers now? Right, Ollie?

Oliver Selenko: Naturally. But they also turn out in larger percentages. And that makes them more significant in the election pie.

Oliver smears a larger piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Ollie, with the ERA and all, women will be a significant factor in this Presidential race. Could you break them out as a separate group?

Oliver Selenko: No problem there, Frank. Women are the most significantly statistic group in the entire voting population, and I think our chart makes that abundantly clear.

Oliver smears a massive piece of pie into the circle.

Frank Reynolds: Well, Ollie, I know pollsters are a careful breed. Have you seen anything in your crystal ball on how these groups will actually vote in November?

Oliver Selenko: No, not much crystal ball work yet, Frank.

Oliver has pieces of pie which have ruined his suit and he tries to flick them off.

Frank Reynolds: Well, plenty of time of it for the months ahead. And so, in midpoint of the 80 vote, to all those faces and voices we shall see no more, to Lyndon LaRouche, and Bob Dole, and Jerry Brown, and Phil Gramm, we

Reynolds is handed a piece of paper.

Frank Reynolds: This just handed to me. Live from New York, its Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Lord Douchebag

Lord Douchebag

Noblewoman…..Laraine Newman
Nobleman…..Peter Aykroyd
Butler…..Garrett Morris
Lord Worchestershire…..Jim Downey
Lord Salisbury…..Harry Shearer
Lord Wilkinson…..Tom Davis
Lady Wilkinson…..Jane Curtin
Earl of Sandwich…..Bill Murray
Servant…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Lord Douchebag…..Buck Henry
Lady Douchebag…..Gilda Radner

[ SUPER: SALISBURY MANOR – 1730 ]

Noblewoman: What a splendid party! I do believe everyone of anyimportance in England is here tonight.

Nobleman: Who would miss a party given by Lord Salisbury?

Butler: [ waiting at the door for guests to arrive ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson!

Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce.

Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. [ turns to his guests ] Lord and Lady Wilkinson, welcome!

Lord Worcestershire: Tell me, Wilkinson, what the deuce is the purpose of two swords?

Lord Wilkinson: It’s simple, really. Let’s say you’re an anattacker. My first blade straightens you upright, while the second clips you neatly at the ankles.

Lady Wilkinson: And there’s Lady Wilkinson, for attacking youropponent’s underarms and legs!

Butler: The Earl of Sandwich!

Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan?

Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door..

Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven’s name?

Noblewoman: He wasn’t properly attired. Evidently, he came in asweater.

Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in..

Butler: The Duke and Duchess of Argyll!

Lord Worcestershire: You know, Sandwich.. were the Sandwich Islands named after you?

Earl of Sandwich: Oh, no. Everyone asks me that, but I’m afraidnothing has ever been named after a member of my family.

Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury’s steaks?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please?

Servant: Yes. [ steps away ]

Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag!

Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well.. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, “Where the devil are those Douchebags?”

Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night.

Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn’t aware youdabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven’s name are you working on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you.. but perhapsafter you have finished eating.

Lord Salisbury: Well, here is Chambers right now. Would you like something to eat?

Lord Doucebag: We’re not too hungry right now – just a plate ofraw vegetables.

Lord Salisbury: Would you like some dresing with that?

Lady Doucebag: Just some vinegar and water, thank you.

Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: “Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do.”

Earl of Sandwich: Hear, hear!

Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours?

Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on?

Lord Doucebag: Well, it’s a long story. Why don’t we go out to the garden, and I’ll explain it to you.

Earl of Sandwich: Tell me – did Lady Douchebag help you in theproject?

Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration!

[ they exit to the garden to discuss the wondrous invention ]

Butler: Lord Compost Heap and Lady Disinfectant Cake!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue

Rodney Dangerfield’s Monologue

…..Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield: I’ll tell ta, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know? I mean, last week I looked up my family tree – I found out I’m the sap! I’ll tell ya, I can’t relax, you know?

Like the other night, I was in a place and I felt like having a few drinks.. I went over to the bartender, I said, “Surprise me!” He showed me a naked picture of my wife!

Yesterday was a beauty, too – yesterday. I asked a cabdriver: “Where could I get some action?” He took me to my house!

Yeah, I’ll ya, nothin’ goes right, you know? My sex life is nothin’ – my wife put me down for once a month.. put me down for once a month! Oh, I’m lucky – two guys I know, she cut out completely!

I’ll tell ya’, my wife never went for me, I’m not a sexy guy – I know I’m not sexy! What, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling! Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly – I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning! I was an ugly kid, too – I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library, I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!

I’ll tell ya’, I went through plenty! Why, the first time I hitchhiked, I got beat up – I used the wrong finger! Well, that’s the story of my life – no respect! I don’t get no respect at all!

We’ll be right, back, okay!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rodney Dangerfield: 03/08/80: Niggerrand

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 13

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Niggerrand

Spokesman…..Harry Shearer

[ open on cartoon financial figure drawings ]

Spokesman V/O: The stock market rises and falls. Savings account interest doesn’t even keep up with inflation. And stamps take YEARS to collect.

[ dissolve to Spokesman seated in leather chair in his office ]

Spokesman: Now… for the person who is wise enough to recognize the world’s finest investment — and secure enough not to have to apologize for it — the South African Gold Board introduces a distinguished new gold coin: the Niggerrand. This 1-ounce, 99.9% fine gold coin commemorates the labor of those who made it possible…

[ dissolve to close-up illustration of the coin ]

Spokesman V/O: With this beautifully-etched portrait of an actual African minesman. On the reverse: a beautifully-etched map of the areas where, by law, these workers are allowed to live.

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: You’ll want to treasure your Niggerrands for years to come. Or you’ll want to buy and sell them, just like the people they honor… do! For that perfect person on your gift list, the Niggerand is an especially perfect way of expressing your feelings of caring. Because it’s the gift that keeps on grinning! Tomorrow is the perfect time to begin YOUR investment program.

[ dissolve to the coin ]

Spokesman V/O: Why not visit your selected bank or brokerage house, and put your future in Niggerrands! Because even the colorblind can see gold!

[ fade ]

Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm

Husband…..Paul Shaffer
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Clerk…..Bill Murray
…..Rodney Dangerfield
Nurse…..Laraine Newman
Black Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Black Female Customer…..Yvonne Hudson
Nazi…..Tom Davis
Man…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Rodney’s Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on couple entering sperm bank ]

Husband: I’m telling you – this is a waste of time and money. I am not sterile! You’re barren!

Wife: Now, don’t be defensive, honey. I mean, Dr. Rayburn did report that you had a zero sperm count.

Husband: I don’t understand.. how can it be zero?

Wife: God, I hate to go shopping with you!

[ phone rings; Clerk answers ]

Clerk: Dr. Shockley’s House of Sperm. No, we’re open 24 hours. Just bring in an a recent IQ test, or an SAT test.. something like that. Well, thnak you. Bye bye. [ hangs up ]

Wife: Hello, um.. my husband and I would like to have a child, but, unfortunately, my husband is sterile.

Husband: Honey, I’m not sterile!

Wife: Well, in any case.. we have a problem, and we’re unable to have children, and we thought we’d try the House of Sperm.

Clerk: Well, you’ve come to the right place. By far, we have the widest selection. I mean, much more than Gizz World, or Jelly Barn.. any of those places. What did you have in mind?

Husband: Well, uh.. assuming for the moment that I were, uh.. sterile.. what, uh.. and we did, you know.. need your product.. what, uh, what donor would you recommend?

Clerk: [ thinking ] Consider a.. a Nobel Prize winner, for example. We’ve got some Linus Pauling here. [ points to a sample below the case ]

Wife: Oh. Maybe, maybe, yeah..

Clerk: Yeah, an athletic kind of thing in mind, we’ve got Eric Hyden right here.. Here’s a very popular number, it’s very popular.. [ pulls out a full rack of vials ] This is the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team.

Wife: Hmm.. hmm.. uh, you know.. we were talking on the way over here, and we thought maybe it’d be nice to have a child with a really great sense of humor. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield?

Clerk: Oh, yes! Very popular item. Let me see here.. [ looks around for some samples, but can’t seem to find any ] Oh.. oh.. well, I’m afraid that we’re all out of Rodney Dangerfield right now. But, actually, if you could ocme back tomorrow, I could re-order..

Wife: Oh.. I don’t know, we’ll think about it..

Clerk: Well, wait, just a second.. perhaps, if you’ll juat wait around for one or two minutes.. I’ll go in the back and check the stockroom, maybe there’s some Rodney Dangerfield back there, okay?

Wife: [ chipper ] Okay! Thank you!

[ Clerk slips into the back room ]

[ cut to back room, where Rodney Dangerfield exits a small room and approaches the Nurse on duty ]

Nurse: Okay, Mr. Dangerfield, thanks for filling those orders, there’s your check.

Rodney Dangerfield: Okay, no problem, you know?

Clerk: [ now entering room ] Hi, Rodney! How’s it going?

Rodney Dangerfield: [ tired ] Okay, you know..

Clerk: Sorry to bother you, but, uh.. you don’t suppose you could, uh..

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, no, no.. not another one.. are you kidding? I can’t make it, forget about it, will ya? Not again!

Clerk: Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.. they’re selling like hotcakes! I mean, people just want funny kids nowadays.

Rodney Dangerfield: But I can’t! I’m not a kid any more, I’m getting old! Are you kidding me? I’m at the age now, when I squeeze into a parking space, I’m sexually satisfied! Are you kidding? I’m old! Why, in my back yard, I got a kidney-shaped pool with a stone in it, are you kidding? It’s rough!

Clerk: [ laughing ] That’s very funny, Rodney! But I’ll tell ya – there would be so much appreciation, and.. and.. and.. and.. affection, and.. hey.. respect, too! Wouldn’t that be great for you – respect, from the unborn generations of the future, if you would, how about it?

Rodney Dangerfield: Well, alright, I’ll do it..

Clerk: Ah, thanks a lot, Rodney! We really appreciate it!

Nurse: [ hands Rodney a large measuring cup ] Here you go, Mr. Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, you’re an optimist, aren’t you? [ Nurse hands him the latest issue of Playboy magazine ] Oh, yeah.. thanks. Thanks a lot.

[ cut back to the main area of the shop, in the front ]

Clerk: On the other hand, if you’d like to reconsider, uh.. we’re having a sale on the David Susskind. Uh.. if you change your mind.

Wife: No, no.. we don’t think so..

Clerk: Well, it’s a great bargain. You really oughtta consider it – David Susskind.

Husband: No, we really don’t much care for David Susskind.

Clerk: Yeah, well.. if you don’t want it, then, heck, give it a try.. if the child doesn’t work, bring it back and, uh.. we’ll put it to sleep for ya.

Wife: No. We.. want.. Rodney Dangerfield!

Clerk: Okay, alright.. we’ll have the Rodney Dangerfield for you in just a second, how’s that? [ the couple perks up ] Huh?

[ cut to the back room, where Nurse peeks in to check up on Rodney ]

Nurse: How are you doing in there, Mr. Dangerfield, are you alright?

Rodney Dangerfield: Look, if you keep on interrupting me, we’ll never get anywhere!

[ cut back to from area of shop, as a black couple enters ]

Clerk: Oh, hi! good afternoon. Can I help you?

Black Male Customer: Yeah, uhh.. you got any Paul Robeson?

Clerk: Uh.. no, I’m afraid we don’t.

Black Female Customer: Well, how about some Andrew Young.

Clerk: Uhh.. no, sorry.

Black Male Customer: Uh, yeah.. Willie Mays? You got Willy Mays in there?

Clerk: Uh.. well, I’m afraid that Dr. Shockley doesn’t stock exactly what you had in mind.. but, uh.. the closest we can get for you is, uh.. Tony Orlando. [ Black Male Customer isn’t interested ] Alright.. well, then.. the best thing for you, then – the best bet – would be, uh.. the Mystery Bin.

Black Male Customer: The Mystery Bin? What is that?

Clerk: Uh.. it’s just what it says. It’s a Mystery Bin. I mean, it could be anybody in there, from a bum to a president of the United States – and there is one in there..

Black Male Customer: [ thinking it over ] Uhhh..

Clerk: It’s the best bargain in the house!

Black Male Customer: Uh.. I don’t know, man.. it sounds a little risky to me, man..

Clerk: Well, uh..

Black Male Customer: I’ll tell you what. Since you don’t have no brothers.. who’s that, uh.. white dude, you know the one that “don’t get no respect”?

Black Female Customer: Oh, Rodney.. Rodney Dangerfield.

Black Male Customer: Yeah! You got him?

Clerk: Uhh..

Wife: [ interrupting ] Now, wait a minute! That’s what we’ve been waiting for – the Rodney Dangerfield.

Husband: We were here first!

Clerk: Now, now.. please, please.. let’s not get excited.. there’ll be plenty of Rodney Dangerfield to go around.. [ ambles toward the back door ] Let me, uh.. I’ll check on that right now.. I’ll be..

[ cut to back room, as Rodney pokes his head out from the room to speak to the Nurse ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, is there any way to turn the lights on in here?

Nurse: Uh.. no. I’m sorry, Mr. Dangerfield. Building regulations.

Clerk: How you doing in there, Rodney?

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, give me a break, will ya? A few more minutes, okay? I’m doing the best I can!

Clerk: Rodney, I hate to re-order again.. [ laughs ] ..but.. could ya?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, it’s impossible! Are you kidding? I can’t! No way! No way! You kidding? It can’t be done!

Clerk: But, Rodney, this is very important. These are our first black customers.

Rodney Dangerfield: I’m telling ya, you’re gonna kill the goose that laid the golden egg! I’m telling you that right now!

Clerk: Okay, okay. Thanks, Rodney, for trying. [ exits room ]

Music: [ helpful ] Mr. Dangerfield? Would it help if I played a little music?

Rodney Dangerfield: How about a Bolero?

[ cut back to the front room, where a large crowd of people have now gathered, including a group of Nazis and more suburban couples, all shouting at once ]

Wife: We’ve been waiting here for at least twenty minutes!

Clerk: I’m really sorry.. I’m sorry! Please don’t leave.. no.. it’s coming! Please.. it won’t be long.. [ a Man enters the shop ] Can I help you, sir?

Nazi: Yes, uh.. we were wondering if you might, by any chance, have some Rodney Dangerfield.

Clerk: Uh..

Man: Now, we called yesterday! If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield, we should get it!

Clerk: Wait! Wait! I’m gonna try to get the Dangerfield for you! i’m gonna see what I can do! You’ll have to understand! [ re-enters back room ] Uh.. Rodney! Rodney, I hate to ask you this, but.. could you? Ha ha ha!

[ scene fizzles out to reveal Rodney bouncing about it bed with his wife, having a horrible, horrible dream ]

Rodney Dangerfield: [ in his sleep ] I can’t! I can’t! forget about it, I can’t! I can’t!

Rodney’s Wife: Honey! Honey, wake up!

Rodney Dangerfield: Forget about it, I can’t! I can’t! [ opens his eyes, realizing he’s in his own bedroom ] Jeannie! Oh, thank God! Thank God!

Rodney’s Wife: Awwww.. now, let’s turn off the lights, and give me a kiss!

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I can’t! I can’t! I telling you, I can’t!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rodney Dangerfield: 03/08/80: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 13

79m: Rodney Dangerfield / The J. Geils Band

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Tony Dow
…..Jerry Mathers
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: In the wake of a controversy over our UN boat on the West Bank, an embarrassed President Carter tried to placate the Jewish community today. Carter issued still another apology, and announced that the will allow the building of Israeli settlements on the White House lawn.

Interviewed in Paris, former President Richard Nixon commented on Secretary of State Cyrus Vance’s taking responsibility for the UN fiasco. He said, “If I had made Henry Kissinger do that, he would have resigned.” Reached for reaction, Kissinger reportedly answered, “President Nixon tried to make me do something like that once, and guess who resigned?”

Bill?

Bill Murray: CBS News revealed this week that the White House tried to stop “60 Minutes” from airing last week’s segment on Iran and the abuses by Savak and the Shah. According to “60 Minutes”, the White House also tried to stop a feature by Andy Rooney about how you can never get the little tab that you push in on laundry detergent boxes to come back up and plug up the hole so the detergent spills out, and how he thinks the detergent companies do that on purpose to make you buy more detergent. CBS agreed to delay the Rooney piece until after the hostages are released.

Mohammed Ali, last night, won the Heavyweight title for an unprecedented fourth tie. He achieved this by swallowing his opponent, WBC champ John Tate. Ali said he will now rest up and build up an appetite for Larry Holmes in September.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: The Federal Food & Drug Administration announced this week that saccharine and artificial sweeteners are acceptable for human consumption. However, as a result of the tests done by that organization, many American cities have begun to use saccharine as rat poison. Experts agree that a good case of bladder cancer is about the only thing that can bring some of those big ones down.

Former President Gerald R. Ford, fielding expectations that he may make another run at the White House, said yesterday that the very first thing he would do as president is pardon Richard Nixon once again. Ford said, “I think people would accept it more this time around. Help me up, would you, please? Where am I? Ouch!”

Yugloslav President Tito has now been on his deathbed for 66 days, and his condition is reported as stable. Tito still has a long way to go to beat the deathbed record of 45 1/2 months set in the 70’s by Generalisimo Francisco Franco.. but he’s off to a good start.

Bill Murray: Hey, you trivia nuts, remember these two guys?

Jane Curtin: No..

Bill Murray: Never mind.

Jane Curtin: While “Get Well” cards would be in poor taste, you might send him a simple “Beat Franco” card. The address is Death Bed, State Hospital, Belgrade, Yugoslavia. Bill!

Bill Murray: [ starting over ] Hey, you trivia nuts! Remember these two guys? We grew up with them. You want a hint? They’re June and Ward’s kids.. Lumpy Rutherford’s neighbor.. Eddie Haskill and Larry Mandellos’s best friends..? Now you know? Sure you do! They’re Wally and Beaver Cleaver.. which brings us to tonight’s Celebrity Corner. A rarity. It took a little doing.. but here they, all grown up, from their dressing room at the Westchester County Dinner Theater where they’re appearing at. Let’s meet Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers – nice to have you here, guys!

Jerry Mathers: Hi, Bill!

Tony Dow: Hey, Bill!

Bill Murray: Now, hey, Beav.. now, we all heard that you got killed in Vietnam. Is that true?

Jerry Mathers: Well, I…

Tony Dow: Hey, you little squirt! What’dja go and tell everybody that for?

Jerry Mathers: Aw, gee, Tony! It was on account of the show was off the air, and I figured that nobody knew who we were or cared about us.. and I thought maybe I’d just get us some attention!

Tony Dow: Wow-w-w.. when Dad hears about this, he’s gonna go ape! I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.. slug ya’, or something.

Bill Murray: Well, Jerry.. what you’ve done is a real serious thing, and I think you should apologize.

Jerry Mathers: Gee, Bill! Do I really have to do that? If I apologize in front of everybody, I’ll look like a creep!

Tony Dow: Yeah, Bill, don’t make Jerry apologize! I mean, I know he’s a squirt, but he.. still doesn’t want to look like a little goof!

Bill Murray: Well, young man.. maybe next time, you’ll think about what you’re doing, and the consequences that follow.

Jerry Mathers: Hey, Bill, I was thinking. When you were a kid.. did you get, well.. in trouble, and mess things up, and stuff?

Bill Murray: Well, Jerry, I guess all of us, at one time or another, or.. messed up. But, the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes.

Tony Dow: Hey, you’re, uh.. you’re not gonna make him go up to his room, are ya’? I mean, uh.. he won’t go around spreading rumors again. Honest!

Bill Murray: Well, we’ll discuss this when you get home. I’ll speak to you later.

Jerry Mathers: Thanks, Bill!

Bill Murray: Alright, break a leg. Very nice to have them.. on Celebrity Corner, huh, Jane?

Jane Curtin: Bill.. you don’t think you were too hard on the boys, do you?

Bill Murray: No, Jane, I.. the boys have got to learn something, and I-I don’t think we’ll ever hear that rumor about Beaver getting killed in Vietnam again, either, huh!

[ Bill shuffles his papers, not looking at the camera – it’s still his turn to do the next joke ]

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah! [ laughing ] Alright!

Ian Smith offered to serve this week in the cabinet of Robert Mugabe, newly-elected Prime Minister of Rhodesia. Mugabe, a black Marxist, is anxious to calm Rhodesia’s African-White minority, reportedly has asked former Prime Minister Smith to serve as a lawn jockey in front of Mugabe’s home.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Combined highway and transportation agencies reported this week that in 1979 traffic deaths exceeded 50,000 for the second year in a row. This grimming figure is offset, however, by data showing that 30,000 people were born in traffic, and 20,000 were conceived in automobiles stalled in traffic during the same period.

New York City police arrested a man this week for impersonating the late Ed Sullivan. It was the first arrest of an Ed Sullivan impersonator in over three years.

Jane Curtin: The U.S. Immigration Service has estimated that close to one million Mexicans illegally enter the U.S. each year. Here with the latest developments on that story, is Father Guido Sarducci. Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I have a really hot scoop for you. It’s true that almost one million Mexicans enter the United States illegally every year. But not all of them run across the border through the bushes. I found out that in Tijuana, Mexico, they’re giving what they call nationality-change operations. You can change from-a any nationality to another one, and rich Mexicans, they’re going down there and they’re getting changed to Japanese. It cost $5,000, and for $5,000 they get the surgery, clothes, camera, everything! And then, what do they do? They put them out on-a tourist buses, and then-a they just drive-a across the border, and they just think they=a just Japanese tourists going down to Tijuana for-a the day. But I understand that American Customs officials, theyre-a getting wise to it, and what they started doing now is, to the Japanese tourists, they always give a Rice Test at the border. And-a what they do is they bring-a out the rice and give-a them chopsticks, and if they don’t know how to properly eat with-a chopsticks, that mwans they’re probably Mexicans AND they make-a them go back. And I understand any Japanese person, south of-a Disneyland, is suspect of being a Mexican, so it’s a really tough time there for them.

We’re very, very fortunate tonight to the first Italian who had a sex — I mean, sex — I keep-a saying a sex change, that’s past — this is the first Italian who had his nationality-change operation. His-a name is-a Marcello Paterna. And he had it changed from Italian to Japanese. He doesn’t-a speak-a DEnglish, unfortunately, so I’m-a gonna have to-a translate for you. And the first one I’m gonna ask him is: Why did he have this operation? What’s the story behind it?

[ Sarducci repeats the question to Marcello in Italian, then translates ]

He said ever since he was a little kid, he always-a liked-a Japanese things.