Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Hollywood Bingo

Gern Blanston……Steve Martin
Charo…..Gilda Radner
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Garrett Morris
Sandy Duncan…..Laraine Newman
Vincent Price…..Dan Aykroyd
Rose Marie…..Jane Curtin
George Jessel…..Al Franken
Hal Linden…..Bill Murray
Robert Blake…..John Belushi
Farrah Fawcett-Majors…..Lily Tomlin
Steffy Hellers…..Mitchell Laurance
Trink Mexico…..Tom Schiller
Sonja Bordva…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Sister Mary Margaret Mary…..Rosie Schuster
Cy Blickman…..Tom Davis
Star #2…..Cheryl Hardwick
Star #3…..Jim Downey
Star #4…..Howard Shore
Woody Allen’s sister…..Anne Beatts
Garth Lunthro…..Michael O’Donoghue
Harold Giblan…..Alan Zweibel

[Open on a red “Hollywood Bingo” sign, bordered with flashing lights,two of them burnt out. Very fast-paced, jolly theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: And now it’s time to play Hollywood Bingo! Solet’s bring out your host, Gern Blanston!

[applause; Gern walks out and stands in front of a small bingomachine, an empty blue backdrop behind him. He bows and points to thecamera]

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and goodevening. I’m Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo,where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money.You know how the game is played: [channeling Peter Marshall] Sixacrossupordownandtheresafreespaceandgoforthebigmoney –[pauses] OK now, let’s meet the stars. Hello, stars!

[Cut to a very oversized bingo card. In place of the numbers aretwenty-four stars and a Free Space. The stars wave]

Stars: Hello, Gern!

Gern Blanston: OK! Right away, under the B, why it’s thatLatina hot tamale Charo!

Charo: Oh holy tamale I can’t tell you, I’m so hootchie-hootchie-hootchie — [shakes her chest at Gern]

Gern Blanston: Charo will be appearing at the Imperial BoomBoom Room in Lake Tahoe throughout March. Say, if anyone can, theCandyman can, ’cause the Candyman is none other than I-19, SammyDavis, Jr!

[Sammy’s head barely pops out from the bottom of his square. Noglasses, his eyes are shut]

Sammy Davis, Jr: Oh you’re embarrassing me, man, like you’remuch too kind, man—

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Sammy! Sammy will be opening withDean in Vegas. Say, here’s a crazy kooky nut who sees things Sammy’sway, Sandy Duncan!

Sandy Duncan: Hi, everybody. I’ll be starring in Stratford,Connecticut, where I’ll be playing Kate in “Taming of the Shrew.”[laughs as her glass eye wanders]

Gern Blanston: Next star, author, actor gourmet chef,all-around great guy G-50, Vincent Price!

Vincent Price: You know I adore doing the show, Gern, and Ijust want to say I have a cookbook coming out from Viking Press.It’s called Through His Stomach. [leers at the camera]

Gern Blanston: Hey, our next gal is a great old gal, thelovely, or talented , Rose Marie!

Rose Marie: [laughs in her gravelly voice] Ha ha ha! What’reya doin’ after the show?

Gern Blanston: Ro will be appearing on old reruns of “The DickVan Dyke Show.” Hey, I love to kid our next star, Mr. Show Bizhimself, B-8, Georgie Jessel!

George Jessel: It’s- it’s a real pleasure to be here, Gern.And believe me, at my age, it’s a pleasure to be anywhere .

Gern Blanston: Ha ha ha! Georgie just cut an album on the MCAlabel, “Jessel Does It to Jolson.” Hey, I’m real proud to be able tocall our next star my close personal friend, Mr. Television himself,Hal Linden!

Hal Linden: You know, uh, I love “Barney Miller,” but my realroots are in the legitimate theatre. And I’d love to sing a song for—

Gern Blanston: [interrupting Hal] Great, great, Hal. Nowlisten, Hal’s hoping to do a guest shot on “The McLean Stevenson Show”next year. Good luck on that one , Hal! Hey, here’s a star whomade the successful transition from movies to television, the actorand star of “Baretta,” Robert Blake!

Robert Blake: [with a cigarette hanging from his mouth] Fiveyears ago, I woulda done this show on a dare! I’m doing it nowbecause I got a big hit. You can bank on that—dese, dem, dose, dem—

Gern Blanston: Ladies and gentlemen I have to say, you know, ifGod had angels as pretty as this next guest, he wouldn’t have died.Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett-Majors!

[Farrah says nothing, but giggles and shakes her head back and forth]

You know, Farrah and her hair will be appearing in separate cities.And now, a Fonzie lookalike, Steffy Hellers, O-67.

[Steffy gives a thumbs-up to the camera]

OK, I don’t know who he is. OK, let’s see, under the B, let’s welcomeTrink Mexico.

[Trink smiles and waves his wire bow tie]

Trink is in the national touring company of “Love on a Pin.” OK, now,the sensational Sonja Bordva.

[camera pans to Sonja; Gern is moving through the stars more quickly now]

Sonja is currently appearing on “Hollywood Bingo.” OK, that brings usup to the Charley Weaver Memorial Free Square. [Gern suddenly takes ona solemn tone of voice. The face of Charley Weaver appears in thecenter square] And Charley will be appearing… nowhere. You know,Charley would’ve loved that joke.

Next, G-56, a real nun and a real cad to boot. It’s Sister MaryMargaret Mary, the Nutty Nun!

[Sister Mary waves, wearing a Groucho disguise]

Hey, isn’t she funny? How about O-72, Cy Blickman!

[Cy shows off his wine glass]

Cy will understudy Rip Taylor in the L.A. production of “Dial N for Nurder.”

[The camera pans past the next four stars quickly as Gern tries torecognize them]

And under the B…never saw him before, don’t know who he is…never seenhim before…not sure about him…and we’re not sure about this personeither, ladies and gentlemen–

[The camera reaches the last person in the row]

But we do believe this next person right along here is Woody Allen’s sister!

[She wears Woody Allen’s glasses, and gives a nervous wave to the camera]

Alright now, under the B, it’s Garth Lunthro, road manager for Micky Dolenz!

[Garth smiles and points to his right]

Now I-28, Fern Ligman.

[Fern appears frightened]

Fern just finished King Kong, in which she played “A FrightenedPerson.” OK, say hi to Harold Giblan, butcher.

[Harold nods]

Harold will be appearing behind the meat counter weekdays ’til 6.Now G-49, that’s my old cousin Peter Libra.

[Peter is picking his nose until he notices the camera’s on him]

And finally, O-73, Joanie from next door. Joanie eats food.

[Jodie crams a slice of cake in her mouth]

And those are our stars tonight on Hollywood Bingo! [buzzer rings;the theme music starts up again] Hey, we’re all out of time. Don’thave time to play the game, but tune in next week when 25 differentstars will plug 25 different things. Goodbye, stars!

[Gern waves at the stars, and they all wave back. Applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick-Loss Diet Book

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Dr. Ruth Breadloaf standing on a scale ]

Announcer: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf, America’s Foremost Weight-Loss Expert.

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: [ steps off scale ] Yes! Even a woman doctor like me can have a weight problem! That’s why, for many years, I’ve tried exhausting exercises, harmful pills, and, worst of all, complex and annoying diets. So, finally, I wrote my own book! [ holds up her book ] A step-by-step, easy-to-understand, easy-to-follow book that’s absolutely 100% fullproof! I call it “Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick Loss Diet Book”. Let’s turn to Page One and read the instruction:

[ she turns to the first page ]

“Breakfast: eat Page One!” That’s right — you simply tear the page out of the book — [ she tears the page ] and EAT it! What could be easier or more slimming? [ she takes a bite out of the page ] Mmm-mmm!

[ she continues reading ]

“And for lunch, eat Page Two!”

[ she tears the page out and eats it ]

“Followed by a hearty dinner of Pages Three and Four!”

[ she tears the pages out and eats them ]

Mmm-mmm! That’s good! And, of course, these books come with extra pages for holiday dinners, color illustrations for midnight snacks, and imported cardboard binding for gourmet dining at its best! And, for Jews, two books! Paperbacks, for poor people! I don’t care who you are, I don’t care how much you weigh, I don’t even care if you can READ!! [ she spits out the excess paper in her mouth ] All I care is that you use my book for ONE week, and if you are not completely satisfied, return the uneaten portion to me, and I’ll return your money! Order now and receive, free of charge, this combination bookmark/birthday cake. [ she pulls out the bookmark and chews on it ]

Announcer: You’ll lose weight fast and feel wonderful — yes, here’s a book with a happy ending. For your copy, send $8.95 in cash or money order to:

[ address card appears on screen ]

“Dr. Breadloaf’s
Quick-Loss Diet Book
P.O. Box 22-K
Garden City, Long Island
New York, 10009″

[ dissolve back to Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: And this is Dr. Ruth Breadloaf saying: Tonight, why not relax, curl up with a good book, and eat it?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

The Coneheads At Home

Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
IRS Agent…..Steve Martin

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]

[ Beldar comes down the stairs to Prymaat in the living area ]

Prymaat Conehead: Good morning, dear. How was your sleep phase?

Beldar Conehead: Sufficient! And yours?

Prymaat Conehead: I dreamt of the Gelatin Bowl on our home planet Remulak.

[ they touch cones, emitting high erotic pitch ]

Beldar Conehead: Mmmmm.. you have stimulated me! Let us return to the sleep chamber immediately!

[ Connie enters front door; her cone is painted in psychadelic colors ]

Connie Conehead: Good morning, parental units. I must inform you now that I will not be home from school tonight.

Beldar Conehead: [ alarmed ] Your cone! Unacceptable! Undesirable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: Oh, come on, Dad! I have altered my cone for tonight! I’m attending a concert of a popular music group, called Peter Frampton. For some reason, I am the only girl who could get backstage.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! I cannot comprehend those irregular sound patterns that you enjoy. Now, the Vigra Orbs of Remulak – that was music.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy.. I hate school so much. I have absorbed all the knowledge there is to know. When will the star cruisers come to take us off this planet?

Beldar Conehead: Hear me, young one: you are privileged. When I was a small cone, my family lived in an isolated quadron. I had to walk ten dextrons, knee-deep in farlite-crystals each day, to a little red one-room data center! I’ll never forget my first programmer, Miss Morlax. I wonder if her life functions are still active.

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: I have to split. I will respond to the door signal.

Beldar Conehead: Allow the human to enter. Return at the pre-determined time coordinates.

Connie Conehead: I will try. [ opens door to IRS Agent ] Greetings. Enter. My name is Connie, I think you’re cute. [ exits ]

IRS Agent: Uh.. is this the, uh.. [ reading form ] ..Con-Ed residence?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! The name is Conehead! Please identify yourself!

IRS Agent: Uh.. I’m Eli Turnbull, of the Internal Revenue Service.. and I have some questions I have to ask you here.

Beldar Conehead: Very well. Sit!

IRS Agent: Uh.. you see, Mr. Conehead, according to our records, you’ve only, uh.. [ Beldar begins to chugging a whole six-pack of beer ] ..you’ve only been filing since 1968. Uh..

[ Prymaat wheels out a breakfast cart ]

Beldar Conehead: Ahhh! The morning meal! Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos! Here. Dry citrus.

Prymaat Conehead: Bacon and eggs.

Beldar Conehead: [ eating slovenly ] Mmm..

IRS Agent: I guess you folks are really into breakfast!

Prymaat Conehead: Visitor, we advise you to.. to consume mass quantities.. of food.

IRS Agent: Hey, hey, that’s okay. Um.. Mr. & Mrs. Conehead,, I’m just trying to sort out your tax situation before ’68. Now, for the last nine years, you’ve only been filing under the name “Mr. & Mrs. Conehead.” Do you have a first name?

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar!

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!

IRS Agent: O-kayy.. [ writing information down ] “Beldar Conehead.” That’s great. Now, it says here, you’re currently employed as a driving school instructor?

Beldar Conehead: Correct.

IRS Agent: [ picks up bottle of Tang, chuckles ] Hey.. isn’t this the drink the astronauts took to the Moon?

Beldar & Prymaat: Astronauts to the Moon!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

IRS Agent: Yeah.. Okay, now, uh.. from ’68 to ’70, you were living at the Burdette Falls Season Trailer Park in Moleen, Ohio?

Beldar Conehead: Iowa. Correct.

IRS Agent: Okay, now about these deductons for last year – you claimed $2,000 for stocking caps.. $7,000 for beer.. and $2,000 for titanium; what is titanium, anyway?

Beldar Conehead: [ quick ] The most durable metal known to mankimd!

Prymaat Conehead: We need it to survive.

IRS Agent: Okay, fine.. now.. now, my main question is: where were you before 1968?

Beldar Conehead: We had not yet landed on this- in this country.

IRS Agent: Oh, I see.. then, you’re, you’re, you’re not from this country, you’re illegal aliens.

Prymaat Conehead: Yes! We come from France!

Beldar Conehead: France! We came from France!

IRS Agent: So.. you are aliens! That’s what I thought!

Beldar Conehead: Yes, our records were lost, when the craft which brought us from France plunged into Lake Michigan. We crawled from the bottom of the lake, and lived by night for years off our remaining proto-caps.

IRS Agent: Ye-eah.. listen.. I think I’ve got al the information I need right here. Um.. I’m just going to trn this over to Missing Records, and, uh.. there’s no problem! You know, I mean, I know where you’re coming from, hey! Stocking caps, titanium and beer – what the heck, it happens all the time! So, I’ll be going. [ heads for the door ]

Beldar Conehead: All things are woven of the same molecular fiber!

IRS Agent: [ humoring Beldar ] That’s so true.. I’m gonna write that down. Hey, taxes are no big deal, so, uh.. you call us! No problem!

Prymaat Conehead: Have a safe journey.

Beldar Conehead: Someday, you can take me to your supervisor.

IRS Agent: [ hurriedly ] Great.. great.. [ exits ]

Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Do we have time for a quick one before I must prepare for work?

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. Let’s do it right here in the living room.

Beldar Conehead: Yes. Let’s.

[ they toss sensor rings upon one another’s cones ]

Beldar Conehead: You have stimulated me..! You have stimulated me..!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin
…..Lily Tomlin

Steve Martin: I want to thank my special guest — Lily Tomlin! [ he claps for her ]

Lily Tomlin: Thank you!

[ the cast joins them onstage ]

Steve Martin: And The Kinks! City of Minneapolis, tomorrow night! [ he shakes Bill Murray’s hand ] The Not Ready For Prime Time Players! Laraine? [ he kisses Laraine Newman, as John Belushi holds his hand in wait for a handshake ] John Belushi. [ by now, Belushi has given up and pulled his hand back ] Hey, John! [ Belushi finally gets that handshake ]

[ the end credits roll ]

Announcer: Next week, watch “NBC’s Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. “Saturday Night” will return in two weeks, on March 12th, when our host will be sissy Spacek, with musical guest Richard Baskin. your announcer has been Donald Pardo! [ singing ] “D-O-N-A-L-D, P-A-R-D-O!” Good night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Steve’s Head Trip

…..Steve Martin
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Bill Murray

[ Steve Martin exits dressing room, leaving girl within ]

Steve Martin: I’ll see you later – after the show, huh?

Gilda Radner: [ approaches ] Hello, Steve.

Steve Martin: Gilda! How you doing?

Gilda Radner: I’m just great. You know, Steve, I feel kind of bad – I haven’t seen as much of you as I did the last time you were on the show.

Steve Martin: Well, I’ve been pretty busy with the show; you know that.

Gilda Radner: Right.

Steve Martin: [ attempts to kiss Gilda, but she backs off ] Hey, come on – what’s the matter with you? Hey, if something’s wrong, you might as well tell me. I don’t like playing games.

Gilda Radner: I don’t know, I think you’ve changed a little bit since you’ve been on “The Tonight Show”.

Steve Martin: What? Me, change? Just because I’ve.. guest hosted “The Tonight Show”.

Gilda Radner: Guest-hosted. I know you’re on the road and everything..

Steve Martin: Well, you know, show business is my life.

Gilda Radner: What about my life?

Steve Martin: Well, uh.. I guess your life is ruined. I mean, you know I was a ramblin’ guy when you got involved.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, you could have called me, or something.

Steve Martin: But I did call you! I left the name of the lotion on your answering service!

Gilda Radner: Was that you?!

Steve Martin: Yeah! did the lotion work okay?

Gilda Radner: Oh, yes! Thank you!

Steve Martin: Okay, then. No problem, then.

Gilda Radner: Right.. right..

Steve Martin: Hey, uh, listen.. [ looks back at his dressing room, indicating girl ] This girl likes to crash early.. so, maybe I could over to your place about, uh, three? Something like that?

Gilda Radner: Three? Uh.. well, okay.. okay.

Steve Martin: Great! Ciao, baby! [ retreats down the hall ]

Gilda Radner: “Ciao, baby?”

Steve Martin: [ enters locker room ] Hey, compadres muchachos! How’s it going, buddies?

[ cool reception ]

John Belushi: [ sarcastic ] Well, look who’s here – Mr. Big-Time Show Business himself!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Mr. Host of “The Tonight Show”.

Steve Martin: Guest host. I was a guest host once – big deal!

Bill Murray: Steve, uh.. I wasn’t here the last time you did the show, but from what I hear, I don’t think I like you too much.

Steve Martin: Hey, uh.. what’s bugging you guys? You know what I mean? I mean, I come out here to do the show, and you act like I’m some kind of aJack The Ripper. What’s the deal? Why don’t you tell me the truth here?

John Belushi: Alright, I’ll tell you: we all know what happened to Gilda.

Bill Murray: We think you got off pretty easy.

Steve Martin: Hey, is that all? Come on, you guys are guys! You’re a little bit jealous!

Garrett Morris: Hey, man, that has nothing to do with it, man! You’ve ruined the reputation of a Not Ready For Prime Time player!

Steve Martin: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me!

John Belushi: [ angry ] I’ll rip his face off!! I swear to God!!

Bill Murray: [ pulls John back ] Hey, he’s got a show to do, man! You get him bloody, we’ll ruin his pretty coat..

Steve Martin: Hey, let me tell you guys something: I come down here, I’m going on the air and everything, and you come out here and act like I’m some kind of bad guy or something! I just had a long, long, personal talk with Gilda, to kind of smooth things over, okay? So, look – I don’t need you, and you don’t need me! I’m gonna take a hike! How do you like that? I’m a ramblin’ guy, I think I’ll ramble! [ turns to exit ] Hey, good luck with the opening, Belushi! I’ll be seeing you!

John Belushi: [ grabs Steve ] You’re not going anywhere, until you do that opening.

Steve Martin: Heeeyy.. nobody tells me what to do!

John Belushi: [ grabs Steve’s fingers, pinches ] Yeah?! Now, say it, pal!

Steve Martin: I’m not gonna say it!

John Belushi: Say it!

Steve Martin: [ in pain ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hey, we’re having some fun now, eh kids? [ sips water, spits ] Excuse me! Sorry, I didn’t mean to.. get some on you there. We’re having some fun – hey! [ picks up camera, snaps his own picture ] Excuse me! Alright! Hey, you get to see a show; all I have are.. memories. I paid $900 for this – is that too much? I don’t know. Okay. We’re moving! I tell you what – let’s rip the place apart! Sorry, folks. Okay, we’ll be starting in a few moments – just waiting.. for the drugs.. to take effect.. and then.. Ah! Okay, here we go!

[ Steve’s feet begin to dance out of control ]

Uh-oh! I’m getting.. Happy Feet! [ Steve’s feet dance out of control again ] See, every once in a while that happens, I have no control over it. Sorry. Okay. We’re moving along now.

I’d like to get serious with the opening of the show. But, uh.. you probably heard I was into the comedy thing, but, uh.. I’m kinda getting out of that now, and getting more into the music. I’d like to open the show with one of my favorite kinds of tunes – this is a traditional American Indian folk song. Now, I realize we’re on TV, I can’t just come out here and sing one of the great tunes – one of my favorites – and have people get into the same way I have. So, what I’ve done, I’ve.. jazzed it up a little bit, for TV. Basically, I kept it very traditional, but I think you’re gonna dig this, so.. here we go. [ makes Indian moaning sounds ] Wo-oh wo-oh-ohhhhhh!! [ continues Indian moaning sounds ] LIttle girrrrl! Okay, thank you very much!

Excuse me! I feel good tonight, because, uh.. well, I’ve finally got a goal in life, and that’s.. that’s what pleases me, is to be able to have a goal, and this is why I’m so happy, becaus.. it’s important – the thing you have to learn, in having a goal, is not to set an impossible goal, something too high you can never reach. You gotta have a series of smaller goals, that you can accomplish, and slowly work your way up. And this is what I have done. That’s why I’m so happy. My goal: right now, I want to be the all-being master of time, space and dimension. Then, I want ot go to Europe – I think.

I mentioned that, earlier in the show, a drug joke – and I hate to do that, because it creates a mess, and I’m not into drugs any more. I quit completely, and I hate people who are still into it. Well.. I do take one drug now – for fun – and, maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s a new thing, I don’t know if you have or not. It’s a new thing, it makes you small. [ indicates size with fingers ] About this big. And, you know, I’ll be home, sitting with my friends, and, uh.. we’ll be sitting around, and somebody will say, “Heeeyyy.. let’s get small!” So, you know, we get small, and uh.. the only bad thing is if some tall people come over. You’re walking around going, “Ah hahaha..!” Now, I know I shouldn’t get small when I’m driving.. but I was driving around the other day, and I said, “What the heck?” You know? So I’m driving like.. [ extends arms high in the air like he’s reaching up to a giant steering wheel ] And, uh.. a cop pulls me over. And he makes me get out, he looks at me and he says, “Heyyy.. are you small”? I said, “No-o-o! I’m not!” He said, “Well, I’m gonna have to measure you.” They have this little test they give you – they give you a balloon.. and if you can get inside of it, they know you’re small. Now, I’ve already talked it over with the cast – they’ve been working all week, it’s a tough thing to do, come out here live. Immediately after the show, we’re all gonna go out.. and get really small!

Okay, we have a great show tonight – Lily Tomlin, special guest; The Kinks; and, uh, the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – [ speedily ] JohnbelushiDanaykroydGarrett… So, we’ll be back in just a moment – thanks a lot! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Pull The Plug

Doctor…..Steve Martin
Mrs. Dionosopolis…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Dionosopolis…..Bill Murray
Buddy…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, hospital room; Doctor stands with Parents in front of Buddy’s bed, as Buddy lies in a coma ]

Doctor: I’m sorry, Mr. & Mrs. Dionosopolis, but your son can’t get any closer to death than he is right now.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Tomorrow’s his birthday.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Doctor, isn’t there a chance that Buddy could come out of this coma?

Doctor: Well, let me put it this way – if you want to get Buddy something for his birthday, I would suggest moss for his north side.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ cries in agony ]

Doctor: Hey! I’m just trying to lighten things up a little bit!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ comforting his wife ] Thank you, Doctor! It’s a good joke! It is. I’m sure that Buddy would have laughed.

Doctor: Well, I think you should know that the machine that keeps Buddy alive is costing you $500 a day.

[ awkward pase]

Mr. Dionosopolis: I think you’d better pull the plug, Doctor.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ outraged ] Buddy!!!

Mr. Dionosopolis: Now, you heard what the man said. Buddy has no motor reflexes, his mind is gone.. do you think he’s having fun? Look at that!

Doctor: Now, listen, uh.. according to law, I cannot deliberately pull the plug.

Mr. Dionosopolis: I see.

Doctor: Buuuut.. if the plug were to, uh.. “accidentally”.. be pulled from the wall, I don’t think anyone’s gonna make a federal case out of it. I think you know what I’m talking about, huh?

Mr. Dionosopolis: Mmm-hmm. Well, I think we should probably just put him out of his misery..

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ outraged ] Honey!!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ calmly ] Cathy.. I never told you this.. but, about a year ago, Buddy came to me, and he said, “Dad.. if i’m ever in a bad accident at work, and I’m hit in the head with a sledgehammer and lapse into a coma, and have to kept alive by a machine.. I want to die with dignity. So, please pull the plug.”

Mrs. Dionosopolis: We-ell.. if that’s the way that Buddy wants it, then.. pull the plug.

Doctor: Accidentally.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Accidentally.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Accidentally.

Doctor: Okay! Well, hey, I’ve got to, uh.. run up to surgery. I’m, uh.. kinda late right now, so I’ll probably be taking off! See you later – they’re calling me! [ pretends to trip over the plug as he makes his exit, getting tangled ] Oh, no! My leg is tangled in the cord! It.. it could cut off the circulation! Help me!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ playing along ] Okay.. here, here.. let me get your foot out..

Doctor: Yeah! Maybe you could just pull on it!

[ the two of them struggle with the plug, but it will not loosen itself from the wall no matter how hard they pull at it ]

[ suddenly, Buddy opens his eyes to survey the situation ]

Buddy: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’m not in a coma any more!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Thank God!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ embarrassed ] Buddy..? Buddy..?

Buddy: [ raising finger ] Ohhhhh.. what are you doing? Were you pulling the plug on me!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ trying to explain ] Buddy, the doctor told us you were a vegetable.

Doctor: I, for one, am baffled!

Buddy: But pulling the plug!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Buddy, we were just doing what you told your father about “dying with dignity”, you know? If you ever got hit in the head with a sledgehammer and had to be kept alive by machines? You remember!

Buddy: I never said anything like that, Mom.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Oh, yeahh.. you remember, don’t you? It was that one day, remember? You weren’t asking yourself, you were real strange.. I thought, “Gee, that’s not like Buddy, wants to die like that..” But I figured, what the heck, okay! You said it, though! You said, it, you just forgot!

Buddy: [ laughing ] I probably forgot about it!

Mr. Dionosopolis: Well, buddy, do you fell good enough to go home?

Buddy: [ excited ] Yeah, that would be just great!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Alright. I’ll fix you a nice big lunch!

Mr. Dionosopolis: And we’ll go hunting first thing next week, okay? [ turns to Doctor ] Thanks a lot, Doctor! Thanks for almost killing little Buddy!

[ family exits hospital room ]

Doctor: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Roots II

Alex Haley…..Garrett Morris
Slave…..Bill Murray
Jerry…..John Belushi
Slave Owner…..Steve Martin
Third Slave…..Al Franken
Lenny Gutman…..Dan Aykroyd
Lady…..Laraine Newman

[ open on slave setpiece ]

Alex Haley: Hello. I am Alex Haley. [ clutching chains that hang down ] Slavery. Practiced in this country from 1609 to 1865 or ’70 — a time in this country’s history that most people would just as soon forget, and almost everybody did until ABC produced a TV-ersion of my book, “Roots”. 80 million people viewed the final episode, and, uh, in one week, ABC sold $61 million in advertising. And, the next morning, this, uh, white dude from NBC called me — I mean, this really, really white dude, man. He says, [ sing-song ] “We want ‘Roots’, too!” So I say, “Like, man, I already did it. I’m fresh out of relatives.” So he says, “We’ll pay you #3 million!” [ chuckles] So I say, “Damn! If I ain’t got a great-great grandpa, I forgot all about him! ‘Cause, man, this is a sad, sad story, man — when they came here, they didn’t have no money at all.” It took me twelve years to write the first one, but I had to do a RUSH job on this one, I did it in FOUR days. Now, it’s a little but rushed, but there it be. I proudly present… “Roots II”.

[ camera pans over to a group of white slaves standing behind bars ]

[ SUPER: “Roots II” ]

Slave: — I mean, you got to learn the language if you’re going to get by, man. [ points ] Now, what’s this over here?

Jerry: Oh, that be a window filler.

Slave: Right! Now, uh, uh — [ points ] what’s that, right over there?

Jerry: Oh, that’s a horse!

Slave: Right!

Jerry: Oh, fiddle! I’m tired of this fiddlin’! No crazy cracker’s gonna sell the son of a Mandingo warrior! I am Bop Shoo Wop! Son of Sha Na Na! Grandson of the great holy man, Shboom Shboom!

Slave: Yeah, well, these cats don’t go for none of that jungle jabber, Jerry, so, uh, you’d better quit talking like that, they cut out your tongue, you know what I think? [ points ] Now, what’s that over there?

Jerry: Oh, that be a spoon.

Slave: No…

Jerry: Oh, that be a barrel!

Slave: No! That be a LIGHTNING STICK, they blow your head off with if you try to run away! Now, what’s this right here? [ touches Jerry’s shirt ]

Jerry: That?

[ the slave motions his finger upward to flick Jerry across the nose ]

Together: That be the old one!!

[ they begin to give one another a series of high-fives ]

Slave: Gimme that long soul, boy!

[ the Slave Owner steps forward and whips Slave through the bars. He begins to unlock the cell, but Slave has his head wedged between two bars. ]

Slave: Oh, no, man, you got to unlock my FACE, first!

[ Slave Owner pushes Slave out of the way and unlocks the cell ]

Slave Owner: Alright, everybody come on out for name changes! Come on out here! [ three slaves step outside ] You! Come on out here! [ grabs Jerry ] What’s your name, boy?!

Jerry: My name… Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: Well, from now on, your name is… Peggy Fleming! [ Jerry eyes him suspiciously ] What’s your name!

Jerry: Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: Ouch! [ a beat ] Bop Shoo Wop?

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: How about if everybody calls me “The Doctor”? [ Slave Owner whips him repeatedly ] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!! Okay, okay, okay!! Okay! [ a beat ] Peggy Fleming. That do have a nice ring to it.

Slave Owner: Okay, everybody, come up here! [ he motions his slaves in a line ]

[ camera pans to reveal Alex Haley autographing a copy of his book for a young black woman ]

Alex Haley: Say, uh — lookie here, Momma, whatchoo doin’ after the show? [ she retreats from him, as he looks into the camera ] Oh, uh — I’ve done a lot of kidding, but, seriously, my family tree is now the pride of my life. My great-great grandmother was Leslie Uggams, who almost married the guy from “Welcome Back, Kotter”. And her father was John Amos, who married Florida, who used to work for Maude. And then they got their series, and they gave birth to J.J. Walker. And my great-great uncle was Thalmus Rasalala, who knew O.J. Simpson in the old country, who was a great uncle to Ben Vereen, who ran away from Lloyd Bridges. It’s a checkered past. Imagine me, being releated to J.J. Walker — dy-no-mite!

[ theme music pots up, as the actors assemble on the stage behind Haley ]

Alex Haley: Uh — they’re selling great-great grandpa right now. I want to see this.

[ Haley steps out of the way, as the scene continues ]

Lenny Gutman: Hello again, everybody! It’s trading time again! I’m your friend, Lenny GUtman, and I hope I’m going to help you out today! You say you need some heavy yard work done? Well, TALK to me! That’s what I’m here for. [ pulls nutcracker out of his back pocket ] If I can’t help you, I’ll STILL give you this free nutcracker… just for seeing me first!

[ he stands in front of Third Slave ]

Look at this handsome model right here — a twenty-five year old Boluzu! Great teeth, great spirit — [ yanks price sticker off his chest ] was $800, NOW only $599!

[ steps over to second slave ]

A twenty-two year old Fiani [?] warrior — now only $499!

[ steps over to Jerry ]

And our prize model today — an eighteen-year old fully equipped Mandingo warrior — ONLY $599! [ rips off sticker from his chest ] Throw away the sticker price — MAKE me an offer!

[ a Lady steps up ]

Lady: Well, just how equipped is this well-equipped one? You see, I’m looking for something for my summer home; I entertain a lot. [ she taps on Jerry ] Hey, Brown Sugar, you wanna see where the horse bit me?

Lenny Gutman: Oh, careful there, Ma’am! [ he chuckles ] Nice to handle — nice to handle, nice to hold; but if you scratch him, mark him SOLD!!

Lady: I just love him! In fact, they’re ALL wonderful — I’ll take them all!

Lenny Gutman: [ pleased ] Well, alright! You’ve got yourself a deal there, little lady! [ he chuckles ]

[ the Lady walks her new slaves away from the market, as the lights dim and Alex Haley returns to center stage ]

Alex Haley: That’s as much as I wrote — [ he shrugs ] It was a rush job, remember I told you. But, if you want to see more: tune in to “Roots III”. I’m tracing my mother’s side of the family. It starts Tuesday, on CBS.

[ pull out on studio set, with caption: “Coming Up Next… There Is No Birth Control In Heaven” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Singles Bar

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Man and Woman sitting at table in singles bar ]

Man: [ laughing ] So, anyway, the first time I ever came to one of these singles bars, I.. fell down the stairs and crashed into the cigarette machine!

Woman: [ charmed ] That’s what happened to me, too!

Man: You’re kidding me!

Woman: No!

Man: Well.. I’ll be honest with you: when I first saw you, I kinda figured that that happened to you, too.

Woman: [ excited ] Really?!

Man: Yeah. Just by looking at you. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll bet you play on “Old MacDonald” on push-button phones, too, right?

Woman: [ laughs ] Right! [ laughs ]

Man: You know, it’s funny.. we’ve only been together here, like, ten minutes, and already we have a lot in common!

Woman: I know.

Man: It’s really amazing. I mean, like, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Oh, I-I.. calibrate the pressure ratios for hydraulic valve systems.

Man: [ guffaws ] So do I! Oh! What did you do before that?

Woman: Well, I folded the little plastic index tabs that separate the sections in notebooks.

Man: [ amazed ] I did, TOO!!!

Woman: [ laughing ] Oh, no!

Man: I can’t believe this!

Woman: This is incredible!

Man: Hey, look – what does your tongue taste like to you?

Woman: [ thinking ] Um.. nothing. It has no flavor.

Man: Really?! Neither does mine! Oh! Wha-what’s your favorite loud noise?

Woman: Oh.. I-I don’t know.. I like all of them..

Man: Ah, you must have a special favorite..

Woman: No, I don’t have a favorite, I like them all equally well.

Man: What about when you turn on the bathroom water, and it doesn’t come out right away, and then suddenly it just all comes out!

Woman: I love that! Oh.. what about when it’s summer, and you’re sitting on a leather sofa, and you’re wearing shorts and you’re sweating, and you have to stand up real quickly?

Man: [ excited ] That’s my favorite pain! You said my exact favorite! That’s my favorite!

Woman: Listen.. don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting in your room, and you hear screams and shouts outside, becuase someone got hit by a truck?

Man: Yeah! Yeah! What’s your favorite land mass?

Woman: [ thinking ] Dalmation Islands, just off the coast of Yugoslavia.

Man: The southern one? A little further inland.

Together: Just above the 30th Parallel!!

Woman: I like your nose.

Man: Ah. And you’re so healthy looking, real natural.

Woman: Well, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh.. open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Man: That’s good.

Woman: Look, uh.. don’t you just hate it when somebody dies in the apartment next door to yours, and they don’t find them for a couple of weeks.. and. when they do, their pet parrot ate half of them.

Man: Yeah. [ they kiss ] Hey.. you know what I’d like to do right now?

Woman: What?

Man: Have you seen “A Star Is Born”?

Woman: Yes!

Man: Well, let’s go stand in line.. and when it gets to be our turn, we’ll go back and get into the end of the line again!

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, I’d love that!

Man: Let’s go!

[ they both stand, hold one leg behind their back and begin to hop ]

Man: You like to hop!

Woman: Oh, everywhere!

[ they hop into the darkened set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
General Lazette…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Hi! I’m Jane Curtin. Remember the last time I did “Weekend Update” from this desk? [ a beat ] Not tonight, I have a headache.

Our top story tonight: A report from Florida states that Anita Bryant plans to undergo a sex-change operation this Spring. The exact date will not be set until the popular TV personality decides which sex to change to. More on this story as it develops.

Well, beginning March 15th, “The Tonight Show”, starring Johnny Carson, will be broadcast live on the NBC-TV network. Carson, who has been doing this show dead for the past fifteen years, could not explain how he was going to make that transition.

The Greenwich Village Community Court, today, convincted the City of Cincinnati for obscenity, for their conviction of Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt. The Greenwich Village Court sentenced the people of cincinnati to live in Cincinnati.

Although President Carter has forbidden the drinking of hard liquor in the White House, he revealed this week that he doesn’t object to taking it intravenously. The President is shown here having a shot of bourbon to celebrate the birth of his new grandson.

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly plant — pran — planning —

[ Jane starts over ]

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s Spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly planning a prison break, and repeatedly saying to himself, “Pass it on.”

[ Jane shoves the news sheet across the desk ]

Pass it on.

Still to come: Bob Hope and Geral Ford announce wedding plans, after this word… from whoever!

[ dissolve to ad parody: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

[ return to “Weekend Update” ]

Jane Curtin: The United States Defense Department has recently been test-flying the President’s new flying command post: a regular 747 airplane, which was converted for his use in case of a nuclear attack. “Update” has made arrangements to take its cameras onboard the aircraft. Let’s go now for a special report with Laraine Newman, somewhere above Washington.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing beside a Defense General inside the cockpit of a 747 ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing inside the electric core of the Defense Department’s Executive Command Flying Post. With me is Major General Robert Lazette, who’s responsible for the maintenance of this complex aircraft. [ acknowledging the control panel behind her ] Uh, Mr. Lazette, what is this control panel that we’re looking at here.

General Lazette: Okay, this is a Warning Signal Transmitting Army Console — W-S-T-A-C. We call it STACY.

Laraine Newman: And, what is STACY’s function?

General Lazette: Uh, okay: in the instance of a nuclear confrontation, President Carter can be inside the plane and airborne within ten minutes. Now, through this console, he’s hooked into the Command Data Buffer System in Colorado. He can then program, cancel, and reset enemy targets… [ he flips a switch ] from onboard the aircraft.

Laraine Newman: I see. Well, General, with all of the flying weaponry, which would be airborne during a nuclear attack, isn’t a big airplane like this particularly vulnerable to, say, a small heat-seeking or laser-guided device?

General Lazette: [ stung ] Uh… y-yeah, I-I guess so… [ worriesome ] Now that you mention it, I…

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman aboard the expensive and dangerous Flying Command Post. We’re taking it back —

General Lazette: [ defensively ] But you — you can see where it’s going to hit, on this little screen here! you can see it before it hits!

Laraine Newman: Mmm-hmm. Taking it back to you, Jane.

[ return to newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: An “Update” Correction. Last week, we inadvertently reported that Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger won the 1958 Kentucky Derby. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Tom Snyder is actually one of a pair of Siamese twins, and his much smaller sister spends most of her time inside Tom’s shirt doing research for the “Tomorrow” show.

Hugh Bennet of St. Louis, Missouri is suing the Food & Drug Administration for one million dollars. The 78-year old Bennett has an electronic pacemaker in his heart, which he says works great every time, except, when he sneezes, his garage door opens up. His case will be heard later this month.

This just released: according to a United Nations report on international poverty, in certain Third World countries, Prince Spaghetti Day only comes once a year.

Our final story tonight: Foods & Computronics, a firm which orders meals for in-flight service for many airlines, was fined $3,000 by the Civil Aeronautics Board, because of a mix-up on an El El flight to Tel Aviv. Where there was supposed to be 250 meals, consisting of 185 koasher, 50 normal, and 15 vegetarian, due to a computer mix-up only 180 kosher, 42 normal, and 3 vegetarian meals were ordered. As a result, the remaining 25 passengers without meals were forced to beg scraps of the appropriate leftovers from other passengers, clogging the aisles and making the meal service an unpleasant and messy affair. Said passenger Isaac Singer: [ in thick Jewish accent ] “At least, Thank God, there was enough to go around! That’s right, we should all starve in the sky!”

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts