Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Peter Lemon Moodring
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Peter Lemon Moodring…..Chevy Chase

[ open on cocktail lounge singer Peter Lemon Moodring sitting on a stool, drinking a Scotch out of the same hand that holds a lit cigarette ]

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. The ultimate love-rock experience.

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “When Sunny gets blue-ue-ue..”

[ Peter’s face and hands turn a dark shade of blue as he sings ]

Announcer: Yes, when “Sunny Gets Blue”, Peter gets blue, too. A haunting, ultra-marine blue that reflects Peter’s intense inner thoughts on life. A life that is gay, exciting, and yet, sometimes, a little lonely.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of yellow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Tie a yellow ribbon ’round that ole oak tree-ee-ee
It’s the same oak tree-ee-ee –“

Announcer: But the mood brightens, and Peter turns a rich canary-yellow. He’s just happy to be working, and you’ll be happy watching him work.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of tangerine as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Tang-er-iiiiiiine!”

Announcer: Turning the color of his favorite leisure suit, Peter imagines himself out on the town, a Broadway show, an intimate dinner for two, and all the sangria he can drink. Here’s looking at you, Peter.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of ruby as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Rubyyyyyyy
Ruby, you’re such a dreeeeeeeam –“

Announcer: Curl up, get cozy as the mood mellows, and Peter glows like the embers of a dying fire. Warm, relaxed, sensual – he’s in touch with his emotions, and his emotions are sure to touch you.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to black as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Black is black!
I want my baby back.
Black! Black!”

Announcer: It’s no use trying to hide your real feelings – not when you’re Peter Lemon Moodring, and you’ve lsot your baby. He’s one man who you can judge by the color of his skin.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to the full colors of the rainbow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“Some-wherrrrrre, over the rainboooooow
Way up hiiiiiigh –“

Announcer: But the storm passes, as storms always do, and Peter bursts into a kaleidoscope of color, spanning the full spectrum of human emotions. Don’t leave yourcamera home, because he’s a sight you’ll want to share with your granchildren.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to lines of red, white and blue as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Three cheers for the red, white and blue –“

Announcer: And three cheers for Peter Lemon Moodring, for a bicentennial salute that puts Old Glory herself to shame.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to combined shades of red and gold as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]
“The falling leeeeeaves
Drift past my window –“

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. Coming soon to a cocktail lounge near you.

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “– leeeeeaves.. of red.. and gooooooooold.”

Announcer: Color him.. unforgettable.

[ Peter’s face and hands return to normal, as he places his cigarette in his mouth and smiles smugly at the camera ]

[ dissolve to an audience member clapping. The camera zooms down, as the joke card appears late on the screen. ]

[ SUPER: “Beautiful When Angry” ]

[ too late – the camera is already halfway down to the Samurai Tailor sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: [stands before a red curtain] A couple ofmonths ago when I was on the show, it was my pleasureto introduce to America one of the most remarkablytalented performers it’s been my pleasure to see insome time. I discovered him in a little club downtownin New York and, you know, impressionists come and go.We – we all know who they are, and we know thecharacters that they portray and – and – But – butthis guy, this fella does impressions that are unlikeany other. They’re imaginative, they’re original, uh,and I think you are going to enjoy, as much as I’vealways enjoyed, the immense, fascinating talents ofMr. Michael O’Donoghue!

[Applause. Music. Buck Henry applauds and exits to theleft as Michael O’Donoghue, perhaps better known as”Mr. Mike,” enters from the right in a garish paisleytuxedo with a large bow-tie. He is a thin,bespectacled, bearded gentleman in his mid-thirtiesaccompanied by two attractive young African-Americanwomen.]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you, thank you. And thankyou, Buck. I’m gonna just name a few groups or teamsof people: Burns and Allen, Ginger Rogers and FredAstaire, the Andrews Sisters, the Marx Brothers,Ferrante and Teicher, Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne.Now, what do all these people have in common? I mean,of course, they’re all exciting entertainers, I know,but – but something deeper than that. Each of them hasa special magic power, a power to reach out and touchnot just the minds of the people for whom they’reperforming … but their hearts as well. Today, in1976, nobody fits that description better than Mr.Tony Orlando and Dawn. [Applause.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![O’Donoghue applauds. Applause ends.] I happen tocatch their show last week and a funny thoughtoccurred to me. I thought, what if someone took steelneedles, say, um, fifteen, eighteen inches long –with real sharp points — and plunged them into TonyOrlando — and Dawn’s — eyes. What would theirreaction be? I think it might go something like this …

[O’Donoghue and the two women turn their backs tothe camera and, after a pause, they clutch their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage in front of the red curtain, kicking,trying to get up and then falling, dropping to theirknees in agony, etc.]

[Applause. Fade to black. The band plays some relatively sedate music over a photo of Jane Curtin and Buck Henry reviewing a script. After holding on this for a while, we dissolve back toO’Donoghue and friends writhing around on the stage athome base, hollering, hands clutched to their eyes.The red curtain is gone. Buck Henry jumps over one ofthe prostrate women and approaches the camera:]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, nextweek, Elliott Gould — watch him breeze right throughthe security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’dplay another song but he only owns one guitar. Thankall of you for coming. And we’ll see you sometime whenthis mess gets cleared up. [gestures to the threepeople on the floor behind him; the band plays theclosing theme as members of the cast join Henry onstage; the credits roll; Gilda Radner hugs and kissesHenry; Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris rush to help theimpressionists to their feet; Henry kisses Jane Curtinand gets a pat on the back from John Belushi; the castlifts Henry up onto Belushi’s shoulders; cast andaudience wave good night as Don Pardo earns hispaycheck:]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will beElliott Gould. This is the voice of Don Pardo comingfrom the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain ofDon Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo,and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen. Stay tuned asPaul Anka plays host to “Superstars” premieringtonight. Good night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Summertime Dream”

…..Buck Henry
…..Gordon Lightfoot

[ fade in on Buck Henry standing at the musical guest’s microphone ]

Buck Henry: [ burps, still eating the props from the Dell Strator sketch ] Mmm.. fresh roasted toad – fantastic. [ wipes his mouth ] And here’s something else that’s fantastic. all the way from Canada – here is Gordon Lightfoot.

[ Gordon Lightfoot steps up the microphone with hus guitar, as Buck Henry steps aside ]

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

In a lunch pail town in a one-horse way,
You can live like a king and queen.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

So, if you come round when the mill shuts down,
You can see what chivalry means.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

On a trip on down to wonderland
In love among the flowers
Where time gets lost with no straw boss
Tallying up the hours.

Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

The road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Spanish Moss”

…..Gordon Lightfoot
…..Buck Henry
Futaba…..John Belushi

Buck Henry: Once again, here’s Gordon Lightfoot.

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call.
Think I’d better go,
I like you more than half as much
As I love your Spanish moss.

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
sweeter than the southern love we’ve found.
Spanish moss, keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
kisses mixed with moonshine and red clay
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.
So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have been
if she and I could have changed it all somehow.

[ break ]

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
lofty as the sycamore you’ve found,
Spanish moss keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
memories of Savannah summertime.
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.

So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have beenif she and I could have changed it all somehow.

Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call
the devil take the cost.
I like the way your kisses flow
and I love your Spanish moss.”

[ the audience applauds, as Lightfoot bows to them ]

[ Lightfoot and his band then begin to strum the opening chords to “Sundown”, as buck Henry rushes onto the stage ]

Buck Henry: Excuse me. I’m sorry, Gordon. But I thought I explained to you that I wanted — uh, we’re only gonna do two songs.

Gordon Lightfoot: Well, we thought that things were going so well, that, maybe, we could, uh, do an extra song.

[ the audience cheers ]

Buck Henry: Hey, look, I’m sorry, folks. I hate ot be a pain, but we really have to go on with the show. I’m gonna have to say no.

Gordon Lightfoot: But, look, we get it on the air, we came all the way from Toronto —

Buck Henry: Hey, look, now you’re beginning to irritate me. [ snaps his fingers and nods off-camera ]

[ Futaba rushes onto the stage shouting in faux Japanese, as a close-up reveals him plucking the strings of Lightfoot’s guitar with a pair of plyers ]

Gordon Lightfoot: Oh, hey!

[ Lightfoot is stunned as Futaba bows and Buck Henry stands triumphantly to the side ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Samurai Tailor

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

[ open on interior, tailor shop, as the Samurai screams while sticking pins in a mannequin and measuring its clothes ]

[ finally, the Samurai whips out his sword and slices the expressionless head off of the mannequin ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Tailor”!

[ suddenly, Mr. Dantley enters ]

Mr. Dantley: Hi! How you doing? [ the Samurai grunts ] I’m here for the second fitting of the tuxedo. [ the Samurai looks at him suspiciously ] You know. I’m the guy who’s getting married? And, tonight’s… the big night! [ he nudges the Samurai’s shoulder ]

[ understanding, the Samurai “oohs” and slides his sword out of its sheath a couple of times ]

Mr. Dantley: We’re all set. I told you about my fiancee, didn’t I? She’s a GREAT girl, you’d LOVE her. But, between you and me, I’m a little nervous.

[ the Samurai looks up curiously, as he cuts a sheet by tearing it between his teeth ]

Mr. Dantley: It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? [ the Samuai nods ] I’m gonna go through with it. I don’t care. Hey! I’ve gotta have that tuxedo. Is it ready? ‘Cause you promised. The black one, uh, 36 short. [ the Samurai strains to recall ] Oh! I almost forgot. Here’s the ticket. [ he pulls the ticket out of his pocket and hands it to the Samurai ]

[ the Samurai reacts joyously and smacks himself in the forehead, then screams in pain. He looks at sme tuxedos on the wall, poiting to each wrong color as Mr. Dantley says “No”, then screams when he finds the correct tuxedo and chops the hangar off the wall with his sword. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah! That’s the one! Anyway… marital bliss. I guess I’ll really find out how blissful it is, huh?

[ the Samurai chuckles to himself as he helps put the tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: You know, it’s a shame — it’s a shame you didn’t have more material, because it would be GREAT to have a vest. sort of a French-cut fancy vest in this Ricardo Montalban style, you know?

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban.

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban. [ he exits into the dressing room ]

Samurai: [ to himself ] Mont-al-ban!

[ thinking, the Samurai pulls on a roll of fabric, then whips out his sword and slices a swatch of fabric off the roll. Hethen tosses the fabric into the air and swipes his sword at it as it falls to the floor. He picks it off the floor, and there is fancy Montalban vest. Mr. Dantley returns, and is impressed. ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey! That’s incredible! That’s gorgeous. You do some fast work. Now this is some service! Shall I give it a shot? [ the Samurai helps put the vest on Mr. Dantley ] I should have sent all the ushers to you! [ the Samurai laughs ] This is going to be some reception, I’m telling you.

[ the Samurai grunts as he helps put the outer tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… it looks terrific so far. [ he stands on a base for the final fitting ] Wow… this is going to cost some money. I mean, there’s 75 couples coming. But, her old man is paying — what do I care? [ the Samurai laughs ]

[ the Samurai kneels down and measures Mr. Dantley’s inseam, then grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: No, to the left.

[ the Samurai measures the left inseam ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey, uh — uh, there’s something wrong with these sleeves. [ the Samurai grunts ] Well, I asked for one button, and there’s six buttons on each sleeve. I mean, that’s five buttons too many. [ the Samurai looks shocked and disappointed ] I distinctly said ONE button. [ the Samurai steps away, hurt ] Yeah, one! [ the Samurai screams ] ONE!

[ the Samurai falls to his knees and pulls out his sword for hari-kari ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! Don’t take it seriously!

[ Mr. Dantley stops the Samurai, who appears to be relieved ]

Mr. Dantley: It’s not that important, uh… let me take a look. [ he looks into a full-length mirror ] It’s not bad — well, six. It seems a little much, still, though… [ the Samurai points ] Yeah.

[ the Samurai takes his position, then swings his sword upwards to slice off the extra buttons, which go flying through the air ]

Mr. Dantley: [ pleased ] Ah. Yeah.

[ the Samurai’s sword is locked into position, so Mr. Dantley helps to loosen his arm ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… uh… let’s see. I didn’t mean to talk harshly back there, but a guy wants to look his best at hids wedding, because you only want to get married once — at least, I hope so. [ the Samurai chuckles ] Now… the first time I was here, I think I asked for a center vent in the back. I don’t really see it.

[ the Samurai grunts, then whips his sword downward and splits a vent down the back of Mr. Dantley’s tuxedo ]

Mr. Dantley: Very nice! Ah, thanks. Well, I guess that’s okay. Anyway… enough partying, I’ve found the right girl, I’m all set, I couldn’t be happier. The suit is wonderful! There’s just one thing that would make me a little bit happier. Uh — about the pants. [ the Samurai looks ] There’s no fly. [ the Samurai grins ] I mean… this is my wedding night. [ the Samurai nods and points ] Yeah.

[ willing to please his customer, the Samurai steps back, throws up his sword and screams as he makes his ai mfor Mr. Dantley’s fly ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in NEXT week, for another episode of… “Samurai Tailor”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Talk Back

Frank Noland…..Buck Henry
Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Noland…..Gilda Radner

[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-intalk show, sits in front of a white brick wall andaddresses the camera.]

Frank Noland: Good evening. I’m Frank Noland. And thisis “Talk Back”!

[Cut to the “Talk Back” logo, then pull back to revealFrank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined withten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcerset the scene.]

Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, thepublic! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! Helistens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he’ll talk backto you!

Frank Noland: Tonight’s topic is “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” I’m Frank Noland and Iwant you to talk to me about federally supportedmunicipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-freenumbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: “FederallySupported Municipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Call me nowand let me know how you feel. Those numbers, onceagain, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine!

[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag onhis cigarette, the phones do not ring]

Yes, we’re talking about federally supported municipal bonds!Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem?Is it – is it a combination of federal and stateproblems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Whydon’t you give me a ring and talk back to me, FrankNoland? The operators ARE standing by! [another longpause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip,he looks at the silent row of phones, looksuncomfortable] This … is Frank Noland. And our firsttopic tonight is, and has been “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Hey! But that’s not theonly issue I’m prepared to talk about tonight. How’bout this one? “Forced Busing — Yes or No?” Huh? I’msure you have as many things to say about forcedbusing as I do. I’m Frank Noland and I’m prepared totalk back to you! And those numbers, once again, areeight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero– one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five,one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! Andthey’re TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!

[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]

Let’s run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, “Federally Supported Municipal Bonds” and, two,”Forced Busing”! Remember, toll-free! Totally free!You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call.[phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here’sour first on “Talk Back” right now!

[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing — another pause, Frank lets go ofthe phone and puts his hand to his head – he’s gettingdesperate]

Here’s another issue that may interest you: “Soviet Communism — Let’s Give It a Chance”! I’ll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That’s Soviet Communism here — here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there areplenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who’ll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I’m prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbersagain are eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine. And I’m ready to talk back on these sametopics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, ForcedBusing, and “Soviet Communism Here and Now”! I, FrankNoland, am ready to talk back to you in support ofspending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communistsinto your community now — to teach your children andto live in your house, whether you like it or not!Now, if anyone has another position, and it’s yourright as an American to disagree, give me a call onone of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I’llanswer and I’ll talk back to– I’ll talk. I–

[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks fora moment, then leans forward intently]

How ’bout this? “Killing Puppies — It Doesn’t Bother Me” … That’s me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly,I’m totally in favor of using federally supportedmunicipal bonds to pay for forced busing of SovietCommunists to come into your homes to kill yourpuppies! Give me a call, won’t you? The lines areopen. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights hiscigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies… I like ’em …

[starting to lose it]

Okay. While you’re thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally infavor of. “Adolf Hitler — Boy, Do We Need Him Now”!Huh? What about that? Hey, “Incest — I Practice It,Why Don’t You?” Give me a call. Talk to me about it.[A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] “NoToilets for the Blind”? Call me! Call me, if you’rewatching! And, and–

Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?

Frank Noland: “The Ozone Layer — Let’s Get Rid ofIt”!

Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let’s go home.

Frank Noland: How ’bout “Suicide — Fun for theElderly”? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frankout of his chair and offscreen] I– I– What happened?Nobody called. I don’t understand it. What about nuns?We could do something about nuns… [As they exit,funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the “TalkBack” logo.]

Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on “Talk Back”!Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public,talk to Frank Noland! He listens on “Talk Back”!

[Dissolve to the applauding audience. Asuperimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FORTHE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:





Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
May 29th, 1976

Elliot Gould

Leon Redbone

Harlan Collins

Joyce Everson

None

None

Neil Levy

Paul Shaffer

Doris Powell

Akira Yoshimura



Season 1: Order Now! Wax MuseumSummary: A pervert (Chevy Chase) gets his kicks touching and flashing the statues (Laraine Newman, Neil Levy, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) at a wax museum.

Montage

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: To set the mood for tonight’s show, Elliott Gould sings the old standard “Anything Goes”.

First Hosted: 75i.

Transcript

Academy of Better CareersSummary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Poker GameSummary: Because of his extreme southern hospitality and gullible graciousness, Mr. Russo (Dan Aykroyd) is honored to be taken advantage of by Mr. Diarga (Chevy Chase) and his interpretor (Elliott Gould) during a friendly high-stakes poker game.

Transcript

Babs’ UvulaSummary: Babs’ (Gilda Radner) doctor (Chevy Chase) tells her that she’s let her uvula go to the dogs.

Transcript

Leon Redbone performs “Shine On Harvest Moon”

The Last Voyage of the Starship EnterpriseSummary: The crew of the Starship Enterprise are wary of a mysterious car following them through space. Unable to escape the strange pursuit, the car’s occupants, NBC executive Herb Goodman (Elliot Gould) and his associates, soon enter the Starship Enterprise, whereupon they announce that the “Star Trek” series has been cancelled. The crew accepts this proclamation, but William Shatner (John Belushi) hangs on to his persona as Captain Kirk, determined to get his crew out of this unexpected twist, even as NBC executives dismantle the set around him.

Recurring Characters: Captain James T. Kirk, Scotty, Mr. Sulu, Dr. McCoy, Herb Goodman.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy makes faces during Audrey Peart-Dickman’s (Jane Curtin) patriotic Bicentennial commentary. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) helps Chevy Chase repeat the evening’s “flop” news story.

Note: Audrey Peart-Dickman is also the name of the show’s Associate Producer.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Vibramatic Personal MassagerSummary: The personal massager that slices and dices vegetables for a husband’s (Elliott Gould) midnight salad, while working as a comforting sleep aid and relaxer for his wife (Laraine Newman).

Shirley Temple BlackSummary: As the new anbassador to Ghana, Shirley Temple Black (Laraine Newman) breaks into a melody of “Hi Neighbor.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Elliott Gould sits in as kids learn old vaudeville acts at “Uncle Charlie’s School.”

The HoneymoonersSummary: The Bees portray “The Honeymooners”, with Ralph (John Belushi) and Alice (Gilda Radner) getting into a fight before she reveals her pregnancy.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Leon Redbone performs “Walking Stick”

Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson perform “Heaven Only Knows”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Honeymooners

Ralph…..John Belushi
Ed…..Dan Aykroyd
Alice…..Gilda Radner
Trixie…..Jane Curtin

[ open on black-and-white “Honeymooners” opening ]

Announcer: And now, The Bees present: John Belushi in “The Honeymooners”. With stars: Danny Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin.

[ dissolve to interior, Kramden apartment, Alice and Trixie seated at the kitchen table ]

Trixie: So Ed came home drunk the other night, Alice, and he started telling me about all his old girlfriends. Did you know that Ed’s first lover was a fly?

Alice: Gee, Trixie… I can’t, uh, I can’t see Ed with a fly. They’re usually so, uh, so cold and closed.

Trixie: Well, Ed’s fly was open. Did the tear help your stomach?

Alice: I don’t know, I still feel so nauseous. I think I’m gonna go lie down for a while.

Trixie: Well, that’s just as well — I have to go upstairs and finish making Ed’s dinner.

Alice: Oh, what are you making for dinner?

Trixie: Rose hips.

Alice: Oh. Okay, Trixie, I’ll talk to you later.

Trixie: Take care, honey.

Alice: Okay.

[ Trixie exits the apartment ]

[ Alice exits into the bedroom ]

[ Ralph enters the apartment, to huge applause from the audience ]

Ralph: ALICE!!

Alice: I’ll be right out!

Ralph: Alice, I’m home!!

Alice: I’ll be right out, Ralph!

[ Ralph sits down at the kitchen to read his newspaper, but freezes in crouch position and screams. He turns his body to reveal that knitting needles have punctured his bottom side ]

[ Alice enters from the bedroom ]

Alice: What’s the matter, Ralph? what’s gotten into you?

Ralph: Your knitting needles, that’s what’s gotten into me! Now, look — get ’em out, will ya’?! What am I gonna say to the guys down at the Raccoon Lodge, what are they gonna think?!

Alice: Why don’t you tell them you swallowed a porcupine?

Ralph: Hardy-har-har-har! Hardy-har-har-har, Alice! You’re really funny, Alice! You’re really a riot, Alice! You’re gonna GO PLACES, Alice!! You know where you’re gonna go, alice?!

Alice: Where, Ralph?

Ralph: TO THE MOON, ALICE!!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Alice: No, Ralph. I’m gonna go into the bedroom — I feel nauseous.

[ Alice exits into the bedroom, as Ralph scoffs ]

Ralph: Bang! Zoom! [ he leans his head out of the window ] Hey, Norton!

[ Ed casually enters from the hallway ]

Ed: Hey, Ralphie Bee!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Ralph: Norton! Norton, get these things out of me!

Ed: Ralph! Are those knitting needles sticking out of your yonkabit like a geisha schoolbus! [ he chuckles like an idiot ]

Ralph: COME ON!! GET ‘EM OUT OF ME!! GET ‘EM OUT!!

Ed: Okay, okay, okay, Ralphie — I’m just here to help!

[ Ed checks his wrists and adjusts them accordingly ]

Ralph: WILL YOU COME ON!! Get ’em out of me!!

Ed: Okay, okay, Ralphie! Take it easy, take it easy!

[ Ed yanks the needles loose, as Ralphs screams his relief ]

Ed: There they are, Ralph!

Ralph: Give me those! [ he grabs the needles ] You know, I don’t understand it, Norton! I don’t understand what’s going on around here! I find these knitting needles around here, and alice says she’s always nauseous all the time!

Ed: Knitting needles?

Ralph: Yes!

Ed: She’s nauseous?

Ralph: Yeah, she’s nauseous!

Ed: You know what that means, Ralphie Boy? A little drone! A worker, Ralphie! Maybe even a queen! Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie boy, congratulations! [ he hands a stunned Ralph a cigar and chuckles, then starts to cry ] My Ralphie! Gonna have a worker!

Ralph: Norton! Norton! Old pal of mine. Old buddy of mine, Norton. My Alice — pregnant, with a little Ralph.

Ed: I didn’t think you had it in you, Ralph!

Ralph: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Ed: Okay, Ralph, I’m leaving!

[ Ed exits the apartment ]

[ Ralph begins to stammer ]

Ralph: Alice! Alice! Sweetie?

[ Alice exits the bedroom ]

Ralph: Alice? Alice? Why didn’t you tell me we were having a baby?

Alice: Because, Ralph — it’s not yours. [ Ralph furrows his brow ] It’s Ed Norton’s!

Ralph: Baby… you’re the greatest!

[ Ralph pulls Alice down for a passionate kiss, as the theme music crescendoes ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Summer Vacations For The Dead.” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Goodnights

…..Elliot Gould

[ return from commercial to find Elliott Gould dressed as a cowgirl ]

Elliott Gould: Well, folks, that’s all for tonight. We’re going away for some vacation time, but don’t worry — they’re gonna rerun some of our old shows, and, later on in the season, we’re gonna be back with Louise Lasser. Until then, we just want to say:

[ pull back to reveal the entire cast is also dressed as cowgirls ]

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ]
“Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Elliott Gould: Again! Everybody!

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ]
“Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Announcer: Others in tonight’s cast were Teri Garr, Doris Powell, Ronald Reagan, and Akira Yoshimura. Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbins.” Two weeks from tonight, Robert Klewin hosts “Saturday Night”. This is Don Pardo, and I would rather be an announcer than anything else in the whole wide world — except, maybe, a fireman… a cowboy or an Indian… an astronaut, or a forest ranger, a reindeer, a driving instructor, or a horsie… orrrrrr ?? Nahhhh, I’ll think of something!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elliot Gould!

[ Elliott Gould runs down the stairs while peeling a banana, then hands the banana to an audience member as he reaches the apron of Home Base ]

Elliott Gould: [ holding his arms out ] Times have changed.

[ in the background, Paul Shaffer tinkles the keys of his piano ]

Elliott Gould: [ singing ]
“And we’ve often rewound the clock
Since the puritans got a shock
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
Iiiiif today, any shock they should try to stem
instead of landing on Plymouth Rock
Plymouth rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now, heaven knows
Anything goes.

Good authors, too, who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Writing prose
Anything goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
When most guys today that women prize today
Are just silly gigolos.

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that you’re bound to answer
When I propose
Anything goes!”

[ he dances around ]

“The world has gone mad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
And what’s right today
And all the guys today that women prize today
Are just… [ he waves his arms ]

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that I’m bound to answer
When you propo-o-o-o-o-ose
And, tonight… everything goes”

Right after this message, from the message giver, who’s gonna deliver a mesage… in a minute!

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