Author: Don Roy King

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SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 05/08/76: Final Days

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 19

Final Days

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Pat Nixon…..Madeline Kahn
President Richard Nixon……Dan Aykroyd
David Eisenhower…..Chevy Chase
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi

[ open on Pat Nixon at her desk at San Clemente – half-empty bottle of gin on the desk ]

Voice: Mrs. Nixon, maybe you should go upstairs to bed now.

Pat Nixon: [ drunk, maintaining control ] No thank you, Ron, I’ll be alright.

Voice: Alright. Good night, Mrs. Nixon.

Pat Nixon: Good night.. [ starts writing in her diary ] “Dear Diary.. it’s twelve o’clock, and once again I find myself alone. Dick’s leg swelled up today, and he was in intense pain. Good! The ocean is calm here at San Clemente.. quite a contrast to the stormy final days in the White House. I’ll never forget the night of August 7th.. I had just gone down to the pantry to get some refreshments, when I heard Dick’s voice. As usual, he wasn’t speaking to me, he was talking to Abe Lincoln..”

[ flashback to White House hallway – President Richard Nixon talking to Abe Lincoln’s portrait ]

[ SUPER: “The White House – August 7, 1974” ]

President Richard Nixon: [ despairing ] Well, Abe, you were lucky. They shot you. Come on clot! Move up to my heart! Kill me! Kill me!

[ Julie and David Eisenhower enter the room ]

David Eisenhower: Ah, Mr. President? Julie and I were thinking maybe you should go upstairs and get some rest. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.

President Richard Nixon: [ wincing at the sight of David ] Ugh! He does look like Howdy Doody!

Julie Eisenhower: Daddy, you’re not going to resign, are you?

President Richard Nixon: No, no.. a pessimist would resign. I’m an optimist.

Julie Eisenhower: It’s the pessimists who want you to resign, isn’t it, Daddy?

President Richard Nixon: THat’s right, Princess. Remember that army hospital I visited in Vietnam? There was a young enlisted man from Des Moines, Iowa. He had been hit in the eye with a surface-to-air missile. And he only had four pints of blood left in his body, and as youknow, a man normally has eight pints of blood in his body. Now, the pessimists in this country would say that that boy was half-empty, while I like to think he was half-full!

David Eisenhower: That’s right, Mr. President. You know, I was talking to two reporters from the Washington Post this morning, and they said they thought you were half crazy, but I told them I like to think of you as half-sane!

President Richard Nixon: Thank you. Now, if you’ll leave me alone, I’m in the middle of a meeting.

David Eisenhower: [ looking around for others ] Meeting?

Julie Eisenhower: Okay, Daddy, if it’ll make you feel better. [ she and David leave ]

President Richard Nixon: [ walks over to portrait of JFK ] You! Kennedy. You looked so good all the time. They’re gonna find out about you, too. The president! Having sex with women within these very walls. That never happened when Dick Nixon was in the White House! Never! Never! Never!..

[ flashback to Pat writing in her diary ]

Pat Nixon: “Never.. never.. never.. never.. never.. never.” [ sips drink, gains control of herself ] “I think Henry Kissinger was the first one to suggest that resignation was inevitable. He told Dick not to think of it as a resignation, but as “humiliation with honor”. I think the last time they spoke to each other was on that same night..”

[ flashback to White House hallway ]

President Richard Nixon: Never! Never! Never!

Henry Kissinger: [ enters ] Mr. President, Mr. President.. I just spoke mit your lovely daughter und charming son-in-law, und zey expressed a deep concern for your vell-being, which I, of course, share, und zey suggested zat I come down und cheer you up.

President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.

Henry Kissinger: [ long pause.. coughs ]

President Richard Nixon: I am! I’m telling you, Henry: I had nothing to do with the bugging of Watergate! I had nothing to do with the cover-up! with the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office! Or with the man who was killed in Florida!

Henry Kissinger: Vhat man was killed in Florida, Mr. President?

President Richard Nixon: You don’t know about the little Cuban who.. ah.. never mind. [ gets on his knees ] Henry, get down on your knees and pray with me.

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, you’ve got a big day tomorrow, why don’t ve get in our pajamas und go sleepy?

President Richard Nixon: Don’t you want to pray, you Christ-killer?

Henry Kissinger: I don’t vant to get into zat again, Mr. President. Excuse me, I’ve got to go warn the Strategic Air Command to ignore all presidential orders.

President Richard Nixon: Alright, thanks, Henry. [ Kissinger exits the room ] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!

[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

Pat Nixon: “Dick wasn’t anti-Semitic.. he hated all minorities. I remember once an aide referred to the Vietnamese as Gooks and Chinks. Dick said that that was wrong. He said a Chink is someone who’s from China, and is Gook is anyone of the Oriental persuasion. A Chink is always a Gook, but a Gook isn’t always a Chink.. it was that way on that same night in Auguest..”

[ flashback to President Richard Nixon talking to a portrait of FDR ]

President Richard Nixon: And you! Franklin Delano Roosenfelt. you were a Jew, too, weren’t you? Jewboy! Jewboy! [ turns to portrait of Lincoln ] What is happening to me, Abe? Everything’s falling apart, Why me, Abe? Why me?!

[ the lips on Lincoln’s portrait move ]

Voice of Lincoln: Because you’re such a dip!

[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

Pat Nixon: [ slurring ] “..because.. you’re.. such.. a dip!”

Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat! Pat! Where are you? I’m cold.

Pat Nixon: Well, dear Diary, I must close now.

Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat, it’s chilly in here.

Pat Nixon: Throw another tape on the fire!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 05/08/76: Reagan’s Hipness

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 19

Reagan’s Hipness

Ronald Reagan…Chevy Chase
Saxophonist…..Garrett Morris

[Open on Reagan playing improvised blues on an organ, accompanied by a band. The black saxophonist sits on a stool behind Reagan, smiling]

Ronald Reagan: [Stops playing and addresses camera] Oh, hi. I’m Ronald Reagan. [Super: “THIS IS NOT RONALD REAGAN”] Oh, sure, I play the organ, too. [chuckles] Did you think I was just a politician or an actor? Nahhh! [to Saxophonist] Take it, boy! [Resumes organ playing]

[Saxophonist’s smile vanishes as he gets up from his stool and walks over to Reagan, obviously offended by Reagan’s “boy” remark. Saxophonist looks at the band and points to Reagan in disbelief]

Ronald Reagan: You know, I’m doing this to kinda prove a point. I wanna show the people of this great nation of ours that a conservative like me can, well, also get with the hep, pop, young music generation. Take it, boy!

[Reagan resumes playing. Saxophonist starts to put the saxophone reed in his mouth. He takes it out and leans on the organ, again shocked by Reagan’s remark.]

Ronald Reagan: And that’s not all. I like to get down with the colored people. People with the real soul. That natural rhythmic sense that, well, that brought them out to the polls in North Carolina and Texas to vote for me. Take it, boy!

[Reagan resumes playing again. Saxophonist removes the saxophone’s strap from his shoulder and glares at Reagan.]

Ronald Reagan: That’s right. See, I’m an ex-governor, an ex-actor, and a keyboard player. And there’s nothing I like better than to get with the underprivileged. Take it, boy!

[Saxophonist sets his instrument down, grabs Reagan as he utters another “Take it, boy” and punches him in the face. Reagan flies off the organ bench and into a pair of folding chairs as the music stops. Slowly getting up, he looks into the camera]

Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 05/08/76: Slumber Party

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 19

Slumber Party

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Madeline … Madeline Kahn
Gilda … Gilda Radner
Jane … Jane Curtin
Laraine … Laraine Newman

[In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescentgirls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, aflashlight, etc., around a sofa.]

Madeline: … so then the man gets bare naked in bedwith you and you both go to sleep, which is why theycall it “sleeping together.” Then you both wake up andthe man says, “Why don’t you slip into something morecomfortable?” No, wait a second, um, no, I think thatcomes, uh, before. Anyways, it’s not important, it’snot important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says–

[A light comes on and the voice of Gilda’s mothercalls from upstairs:]

Voice of Mother: Gilda, it’s five A.M.! When does the noise stop?

Gilda: We’re – we’re goin’ to sleep now, Mom!

Voice of Mother: What are you talking about at this hour?

Gilda: School!

Voice of Mother: Well, save it for the morning!

[The light goes out and Gilda puts a finger to herlips to quiet the other girls.]

Jane: [to Madeline] And then the man …?

Madeline: Anyway, then the man– [she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, they make loud retching noises,totally disgusted: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]

Laraine: That’s disgusting!

Madeline: And then you scream and then he screams andthen it’s over.

Laraine: Ohhhhgggghh! That’s DISGUSTING!

Gilda: You lie, Madeline!

Madeline: Cross my heart and hope to die. My brothertold me ’bout it in my driveway.

Gilda: Yeah, but your brother lies, Madeline!

Madeline: No, si-ir!

Jane: Isn’t – isn’t he the one that said if you chewyour nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow inyour stomach?

Madeline: Well, it is also true because I happen tohave read it in this book.

Jane: [skeptical] What did it sa-ay?

Madeline: It sa-id … the first step in humanreproduction is: the man– [again, she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, again they retch loudly indisgust: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]

Laraine: Eww! That’s DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!

Madeline: It’s tru-ue!

Jane: Well, I just know it can’t be true becausenothing that sickening is true.

Madeline: Boogers are true.

Gilda: Well, I mainly don’t believe it because mysister told me she heard that there’s this girl thatthis guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her tohave a baby.

Madeline: How?

Gilda: I don’t know. He – he just said, “Have a baby,right now!”

Madeline: Sure, sure. Sure, Gilda. And you think thatthat would work if I – if I did it to you, then?

Gilda: [suddenly tense] Don’t, okay?

Madeline: Don’t worry about it ’cause I won’t. Anyway,it doesn’t – it wouldn’t even work because that is notthe way it is done. How it is done is, the man–

Laraine: Oh, don’t say it again, okay? I just ate halfa pizza, okay?

Gilda: So that’s why people are born naked?

Jane: Yeah!

Laraine: God, but how could you face the guyafterwards? I mean, wouldn’t you be so embarrassed?

Jane: I’d have to kill myself right after. I mean, Iget embarrassed when I know with someone sitting nextto me they could see inside my ear.

Madeline: That is why you should only do it after youare married because then you won’t be so embarrassedin front of your husband because – you will be in thesame family.

Laraine: Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married — not!

Madeline: But! But – the worst thing is — our parents do it.

Gilda: Come on!

Madeline: Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. Imean, none of us would be here unless our parents didit at least once.

Jane: My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.

Gilda: My parents did it at least three times. I havea sister and a brother. But I – I know they didn’t doit because they wanted to. They did it because theyhad to, to have children.

Madeline: They could have adopted.

Gilda: Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. Youhave to teach ’em to look like you.

Laraine: Well, my father would never do anything sodisgusting like that to my mom — he’s too polite.

Madeline: My father is polite. And we have six kids.

Laraine: Maybe he’s not as polite as you think he is.

Jane: I wonder whose idea this was.

Madeline: God’s.

Jane: Oh, come on! God doesn’t go around thinking upsickening things for people to do.

Gilda: Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciatehow good the rest of our life is.

Jane: Yeah, maybe!

Laraine: So – so, like, how long does it take?

Madeline: [rolls her eyes in disbelief] Stupid!Depends on how big the girl’s stomach is and how fastshe can digest.

Gilda: Oh.

Jane: Can you talk during it?

Madeline: [can’t believe anyone would ask such astupid question] God… You have to hold your breathor else it doesn’t work.

[Laraine, who has been chewing gum and playing withher hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breathand, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middleof Gilda’s next line.]

Jane: Well, I’m just telling my husband I’m not gonnado it. Tough beansies, God!

Madeline: What if he says he will get divorced fromyou if you don’t do it?

Jane: I’d never marry anybody like that.

Madeline: Well, what if you did by accident? I mean,what if you met him in a war and you married him realfast because you felt sorry for him because he wouldprobably get killed, only he didn’t get killed, andthen you would be stuck with him?

Gilda: Wait a minute, let’s make this pact, right now,that if we ever get married, and our husbands make usdo it, we’ll call each other up on the phone every dayand talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just likeour mothers do.

Jane: Right!

Madeline: Right.

Laraine: Right, because it’s DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!

Jane: Well, don’t worry. We’ll never have to keep thispact because I know I’ll never do it.

Gilda: Me, neither.

Madeline: Me, neither.

Laraine: [thinks about it, after a pause] I might.

[Jane’s eyes open wide; Madeline and Gilda exchangesurprised glances. Audience applauds. Dissolve to awide shot of the set and pull back to reveal theapplauding audience as the actors rise and hurry off.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT … RON NESSENREMEMBERS.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 05/08/76: Wilderness Comedian

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 19

Wilderness Comedian

Announcer…Dan Aykroyd
Comedian….John Belushi

[Fade in to wilderness backdrop. A few fake animals are perched on a log.]

Announcer: An entertainer turns his back on civilization to find nature’s audience. He made the animals laugh. Wilderness Comedian.

[“Wilderness Comedian” title appears. Comedian wearing yellow suit and holding microphone steps in front of the animals. He delivers a rapid-fire, Vegas-style comedy act]

Comedian: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, thank you. One mountain goat goes up to another mountain goat and says, “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?” The goat says, “That was no lady. That was my kid!” [Animals laugh at punchline] Thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wait-wait a minute, wait a minute. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, how do you like this coat, huh? How do you like this coat, huh? I got it real cheap. I bought it off a deer for a buck. It’s a buckskin! Thank you [Animals laugh]

Announcer: Yes, Wilderness Comedian starring Shecky Adams, in the story of a successful nightclub comic who gave up the wildlife of Las Vegas for the wildlife of the North American wilderness.

Comedian: Thank you very much. But seriously, birds and bees, it’s so wonderful to be here tonight. The wilderness is a crazy place. It’s really a nutty place. It just goes on here all the time, it’s absolutely insane. The other day, there’s this bear standing next to a creek trying to catch a salmon, right? And this moose walks by and says, “How ya doin’?” And the bear says, “Not so good. Haven’t caught a salmon all day.” The moose says, “No wonder.” He says, “No wonder. You’re facing the wrong way. Salmon swim upstream. [silence] Salmon swim UPSTREAM!” Hey, what is this, an Audubon painting? [Animals laugh] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Announcer: Your whole family will thrill to scenes of high adventure. [Bearskin rug suddenly “jumps” on comedian, who begins wrestling with it] Imagine grappling with a 400-pound wilderness heckler. Opening for Jerry Vale was never like this.

Comedian: Okay bear, you can sit down. We’ve all seen the coat before. [Tosses rug aside] Fine. Real good. Okay! All right, hey, look, I kid bears, I know. [Becomes serious] But I kid all species, you know? Why? Because we’re all animals, right, you know? And I love ’em. I don’t care whether they’re hooved, they’re furried or they’re feathered. I don’t care. After all, we’re all animals and [resumes comedic tone] Except the young ones today, the young animals today. I don’t know. They’re crazy. They all let their hair grow long, you know. I know a teenage, I know a teenage water buffalo. He’s six-two. He got a haircut, he’s five-four. Thank you [Animals laugh] Thank you very much.

Announcer: Yes, Wilderness Comedian. Opening soon in a Jerry Lewis theater near you on a double bill with Wilderness Golf Pro.

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 20

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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
May 15th, 1976

Dyan Cannon

Leon & Mary Russell

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel

Season 1: Order Now! Chevy’s Fall, Take TwoSummary: Chevy Chase has performed the weekly opening fall, but learns that the show wasn’t yet on the air and that he’ll have to do it all over again.

Transcript

Montage

Dyan Cannon’s MonologueSummary: Dyan Cannon shyly introduces herself to the audience, then tels them about an unfilled dream to be whisked away by a man on a white horse. Pianist Paul Shaffer picks Dyan up and carries her off the stage, but this isn’t what she had in mind.

Bio: Dyan Cannon (1937-) was Oscar-nominated for her performance in the 1969 film, “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.” Mother of actress Jennifer Grant, a result of Cannon’s short-lived marriage to film legend Cary Grant.

Transcript

ZingSummary: Ms. Elaine Szigeti (Laraine Newman) participates in a diet soda taste test, and chooses sugar-free Zing over a glass of phlegm.

Hearing TestSummary: Participants (Garrett Morris, Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin) in a hearing test fail to realize that thugs (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd) have entered the room and taken the teacher (Dyan Cannon) hostage during a wild police shootout.

The AffairSummary: When a husband (Dan Aykroyd) comes home early and discovers a strange man (Chevy Chase) lying on top of his wife (Dyan Cannon) on the couch, he demands an explanation. They feed him a series of lies ranging from a broken lamp and the swine flu, and he falls for it.

Transcript

Vacationland AdventureSummary: Head of Bulgarian Tourist Bureau (John Belushi) shows Jane Curtin the film “Bulgaria Dis Vintor” to promote American tourism in Bulgaria.

Dyan’s Dream ISummary: A hoarse-sounding Dan Aykroyd has interpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream to involve a man with a sore throat.

Transcript

Leon & Mary Russell perform “Satisfy You”Bio: Leon Russell (1942-) collaborated with practically every big name in the music business before opening his own recording studio in 1967. He married singer Mary McCreary in 1975, and they recorded an album together the following year.

Lyrics

Next WeekSummary: Laraine Newman thinks next week’s host, Buck Henry, is disgusting.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Correspondent Laraine Newman interviews a Nevada gas station attendant (Garrett Morris) who claims to have an alternate copy of Howard Hughes’ will. Chevy Chase’s weather report is documented through a crude series of artist’s renderings. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Transcript

Florida Orange JuiceSummary: Anita Bryant (Jane Curtin) promotes natural Florida orange juice while being held hostage in war-torn Beirut.

Recurring Characters: Anita Bryant.

Transcript

The FuneralSummary: While giving the eulogy at a funeral, a priest (Chevy Chase) suffers through a disruptive bout of the hiccups.

Dyan’s Dream IISummary: Acting as a pimp, Garrett Morris has interpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream to involve a pair of white prostitutes (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman).

Gary Weis FilmSummary: Gary Weis’ film crosscuts interviews of newlyweds and marital infidelity investigators.

Bathwater Of The StarsSummary: Pitchman Roy Waddmaker (Dan Aykroyd) promotes the bottled bathwater of giggly Cindy Cleavage (Dyan Cannon) and other celebrities.

Transcript

Marine CorpsSummary: Private Rick Duncan (Chevy Chase) is abused by his sergeant (Dan Aykroyd) when his verbal gaffes demand multiple takes for a Marine Corps commercial.

Leon & Mary Russell perform “Daylight”Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.

Lyrics

Johnny AngelSummary: Teenaged Dyan (Dyan Cannon) is dying to make an impression on “Johnny Angel”, whom her parents (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) are horrified to learn are three members of the Hells Angels (Garrett Morris, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase). As Dyan bursts into song, the Hells Angels tear the house apart and tie her parents up with rope.

Transcript

Cresk ToothpasteSummary: Pharmacist (John Belushi) recommends Cresk toothpaste for housewife’s (Gilda Radner) dead son.

Transcript

Dyan’s Dream IIISummary: John Belushi rides onto the stage on his friend Horace’s (Alan Zweibel) back, having misinterpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream.

“The Hub-Cap Thief”Summary: This week’s home movie is a Nugent Rasero Fitzgerald Production, in which a hapless hubcap thief doesn’t complete his task in time and is rolled around town by an unsuspecting driver.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: The Affair

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 20

The Affair

Wife…..Dyan Cannon
Lover…..Chevy Chase
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on a wife and her lover making out on the couch, lover top on top. A car can be heard pulling up outside, but they don’t seem to notice. ]

Wife: Mmm. Mmm. Nice. Mmm.

Lover: You sure this is okay? I mean, what if your husband comes home early? Is everything okay about this?

Wife: Sure! I’ll just make up something.

Lover: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ they continue to kiss and fondle, as her husband enters the house ]

Husband: Angela? [ she and her over freeze in position ] Angela! How could you do this? I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him. I’ll take him apart.

Wife: It’s okay, he’s dead. [ a beat ] Oh, uh.. I-I-I-I’ve been lying here screaming for help, but I guess my voice must have been muffled by his face.

Husband: Who is this guy? How did he die, anyway?

[ Husband tugs the lover’s body, knocking him onto the floor ]

Wife: Darling, I’m so glad you’re home! I was so frightened, I thought I was suffocating! I’m so glad you’re home early.

Husband: Alright, just wait a minute, now. Who is this guy? Let’s start from the beginning. How is he here, how did he die?

Wife: Well, he’s, uh.. he’s a delivery boy. He, uh.. I guess – I don’t know. I guess he just had a heart attack or something, I don’t know. What happened, he just fell on top of me gasping, and the next thing I knoew, I couldn’t move.

Husband: Well, what was he delivering?

Wife: [ looking about the room ] That lamp.

Husband: That lamp?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: We’ve had that lamp for twelve years.

Wife: Yes, I know, honey, and I know how much you love that lamp. and this afternoon, when I was in the kitchen, ironing your socks, uh.. the lamp – I was ironing it, and the board fell over, and the thing fell on top of it, and, uh.. well, I went to have it fixed, you see, and he came to deliver it. He delivered it.

Husband: That lamp looks the same as it’s always looked. It doesn’t look any different.

Wife: That’s because they fixed it.

Husband: They fixed it? This poor guy, I mean — [ notices the body moving ] He’s breathing! He’s breathing! There’s still life in this man!

Wife: I’ll give him a little mouth-to-mouth.

[ the wife and her lover slowly build to a passionate kiss in front of her husband ]

Husband: I think he’s coming around, uh.. okay, uh.. [ pulls the lover to his feet ] You had a narrow brush there, my friend.

Wife: You’re okay.

Husband: You’re okay.

Wife: You’re alright now, are you okay?

Husband: Where am I?

Wife: Delivery man, are you okay?

Lover: Well, thank you so much, I don’t know.. I must have – close to death. I don’t know how I can repay you.. I know! I won’t charge you for the lamp! See ya’! [ tries to make a quick exit ]

Husband: Excuse me just a minute there, pal. I’d just like one question answered: how come a guy who delivers a lamp has a car wash sign on his back?

Lover: Well, there’s really not much money in lamp delivery.

Husband: Well, uh.. alright.

Lover: Sorry.

Husband: Hey, wait, wait, wait, please! I just want a simple explanation here, okay?

Lover: Sure thing, yes.

Husband: Uh, now, let’s just all relax here, because this is —

Wife: Darling, he’s a medical student!

Lover: — entirely an innocent mistake, I am a medical student. And medical school being expensive, as it is, I had to, uh.. as it were, I got to go wash cars, deliver lamps, anything to pay for it.

Husband: Uh-huh, uh-huh..

Lover: And, of course, you know he president has called for a massive, uh.. innoculation, because of the swine flu, uh, all over the country, and I had to volunteer and I’m supposed to innoculate the entire neighborhood. In fact, I don’t have much time, I’d better get out there and innoculate.

Husband: Uh, yeah, yeah. Swine flu, but, uh —

Wife: Yes, darling, and there’s a lot of it going around.

Lover: Oh, boy..

Husband: Well, uh, I don’t understand how you ended up top of my wife, that’s all. I mean, uh..

Lover: Well, I have been working so hard at this, I must have passed out, I’m really sorry —

Wife: That’s right, honey! We were innoculating when you came in!

Lover: That is true. That is the truth, that is the honest truth.

Husband: Okay, I see. I’m sorry I got a little upset. I mean, the swine flu thing is important, I guess. It’s just got us all a little crazy!

[ they all laugh together at the silliness of their situation ]

Lover: Well, yeah, you’re a very understanding man, and I thank you, and I guess I’d better be on my way. [ shakes husband’s hand ] Thank you very much. Goodbye, Angie. [ kisses her on the lips, then turns to leave ]

Husband: [ catching on ] Wait a minute! What’s this business with Angie! How do you know her name!

Lover: Let me see those eyes.. [ grabs Husband’s eyes ]

Husband: [ alarmed ] What’s wrong with my eyes?

Lover: Let me see those eyes.

Wife: [ also grabs her husband’s eyes ] Oh, my God, darling!

Lover: You’re a little dilated here.

Wife: Oh, darling!

Lover: I think you’d better sit down here.

[ Husband is seated on the couch ]

Wife: The eyes underneath, they don’t look so good. Maybe I should get some hot water?

Husband: [ frantic ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Lover: You’re perspiring a little bit, and I think your pulse is just a ltitle bit high. You might just have a touch of the swine flu.

Husband: The swine flu?! I’ve got it?!

Lover: You might have it.

Husband: Swine flu? I’ve got it?

Lover: He could use an innoculation.

Wife: An innoculation!

Lover: Now, look, I’ve got plenty of vaccine in my truck. You wait here, and I’ll get it. We’ll take care of this right away.

Husband: [ excited ] The swine flu! I’ve got it!

Lover: You’ll be alright, you just wait here, I’ll get that vaccine [ exits house ]

Husband: I’m one of the first waves to get it!

Wife: I think it’s gonna be alright.

Husband: I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’ve been so worried it all day, you know, thinking about it. But I guess I was lucky to walk in here, with the presidential innoculator in my own home! That’s luck!That’s real luck!

Wife: Yes.. yes.

[ sound of a car driving away ]

Husband: So, uh.. he’ll just give me a shot, and, uh.. [ a beat ] I don’t think he’s coming back.. somehow.

Wife: Who?

Husband: The innoculator!

Wife: The what?

Husband: The medical student, with the car wash, who-who-who delivers lamps! Who-who, uh..

Wife: What lamp? We’ve had that lamp for twelve years. Come on, darling – supper is ready. [ exits into kitchen ]

Husband: [ momentarily confused ] Supper! Yeah. I should eat something. I’ve got an appetite, that’s a good sign! Maybe, maybe I don’t have it! Maybe I don’t got that old swine! [ happy; relieved ] Yeah! [ stands triumphantly ]

[ camera zooms out to reveal wide shot of set, audience in foreground. Dan Aykroyd runs off the set. ]

[ SUPER: “Is Golf As Dull As It Looks?” ]

SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Bathwater of the Stars

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 20

Bathwater of the Stars

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Cindy Cleavage…..Dyan Cannon
Roy Waddmaker…..Dan Aykroyd

[Bubbly blonde Cindy Cleavage sits in bathtub filledwith bubbles — in front of a Chroma-Key backdrop ofgiant soap bubbles — smiling and addressing thecamera:]

Cindy Cleavage: Ohhh! Hi! I’m Cindy Cleavage and rightnow I’m taking time out from my busy stage, screen andtelevision schedule to luxurate– luxuriate in a nice,hot bath! Oh, it’s so soothing and my cares just meltaway! And, best of all, this bath won’t go down thedrain, oh no! This bathwater will be sold by RoyWaddmaker’s Bathtub of the Stars!

[Bespectacled Roy Waddmaker pops up from behind thetub, jumping his cue.]

Roy Waddmaker: That’s right, Cindy!

Cindy Cleavage: Isn’t that right, Roy?

Roy Waddmaker: And it will be joined by a pantheon ofcelebrity bathwater, all on sale, six days a week, inmy air-conditioned store at the corner of OlympicBoulevard and Swall Drive in the heart of BeverlyHills. [Roy holds up various containers of bathwaterthroughout the rest of the sketch: jars, flagons,jugs, mugs, glasses, bottles, etc. The Chroma-Key soapbubbles are relplaced by a scrolling list ofcelebrities’ names.]

Cindy Cleavage: Just look at that selection! Thousandsto choose from! Enough bathwater to sink a battleshipin and every drop of it personally approved by anotary public!

Roy Waddmaker: For pennies a day, you could be makingherb tea with this bonded quart of Doug McClure!Filling your steam iron with this jar of Cicely Tyson!Or raising tropical fish in this gallon of Dan Duryea!

Cindy Cleavage: Or watering your lawn with RomySchneider! Making ice cubes from Jay North! Fillingyour radiator with Howard Keel! Soaking your delicateunderthings in Richard Crenna! Or gargling with TatumO’Neal! And, gals, how’d you like to wash that manright into your hair with this generous jug of WarrenOates?!

Roy Waddmaker: And can you imagine — CAN YOUIMAGINE?! — chugging a chilled stein of ShelleyWinters’ bathwater? What a thrill! We havetwo-for-the-price-of-one combinations! We have Cherwith Sonny! Cher with Chastity! Cher with Greg! Cherwith David! And Cher with God knows who! We even haveCher with Willard! [holds up a dead rat] Ah, justkidding, folks! [tries to toss rat away butaccidentally drops it into the tub, startling poorCindy] Whoops! That went in the bath!

Cindy Cleavage: [screams, breaks up laughing, losesher place, finally recovers] Oh, but do you haveanything for the man on my gift list, Roy?

Roy Waddmaker: No guy could resist this importedflagon of Fernando Lamas — perfect for any occasion![Chroma-Key soap bubbles return and Roy holds up abe-ribboned gift box] And what woman wouldn’t bedelighted to receive this seven star gift set withconvenient purse-sized bottles of Dale Robertson,Kitty Carlisle, Jim Backus, Max von Sydow, NipseyRussell, Nancy Kwan and Celeste Holm?! Mix and match– it’s your life — nobody’s the wiser!

Cindy Cleavage: And for you collectors looking forsomething a bit out of the ordinary, why not thesematched pints of Paul Robeson’s bathwater?! Incrediblebut true! [lowers her voice conspiratorially] And whenthese are gone, they’ll be the last, folks, so a wordto the wise.

Roy Waddmaker: A tip worth taking, Cindy! And if it’sbargains you’re after, quite frankly, we’reOVERSTOCKED on Ida Lupino! Over fifty thousandgallons! Enough to fight an octopus in! And best offertakes it! So, whether it’s a glass of Jeff Chandler tosoak your dentures in …

Cindy Cleavage: … or just a bottle of Glenda Jacksonto pour in a paper bag and drop out the window …

Roy Waddmaker: Come to me! Come to me at RoyWaddmaker’s Bathwater of the Stars in the heart ofBeverly Hills! Serving your bathwater needs since1974. [dissolve to and from a sign reading: RoyWaddmaker’s BATHWATER OF THE STARS]

Cindy Cleavage: So, this is Cindy Cleavage saying,”Don’t throw out the baby OR the bathwater!” [winks]

[Dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman whosmiles as she sees herself on the monitor with thewords LOOKING FOR TRUTH superimposed on her image…]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Cresk

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 20

Cresk

Clair…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Goodman…..John Belushi

[ Clair enters drugstore, picks out a few items, then approaches the counter ]

Clair: Morning, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ahhhh, Clair! Well, well! How are you, Clair?

Clair: Oh, alright, I guess.

Mr. Johnson: Well, that’s just good! That’s just fine! [ he opens a paper bag ] Let’s just see what you have here: one memorial candle… and a box of Kleenex… [ he bags these items ] Say, Clair? Whatever happened to little Johnny — your little boy? I never see him around here any more.

Clair: [ holding back her tears ] Johnny’s dead! Uh — his school bus went out of control. It was terrible.

Mr. Johnson: Ah! Oh, yes. I remember that now, Clair. That’s right! That’s a shame. Such a young age. It’s a real tragedy, Clair. There’s just no justice in this world, Clair. But, Clair! [ a beat ] What about his teeth?

Clair: [ confused ] Johnny’s dead, Mr. Goodman.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, Clair, I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I?

Clair: Well… no.

Mr. Johnson: Ah, that’s right! Now, I’ve known Johnny ever since he was a little boy. And, you know, Johnny’s gonna be gonig through a lot of changes. Now, his body will decay — but his TEETH won’t! Not if he uses Cresk! [ he holds up product for the camera ] What do you say, Clair? Why don’t you get some Cresk for little Johnny?

Clair: [ smiling ] Alright, put it on my bill!

Mr. Johnson: Okay! [ he drops a tube of Cresk into her bag ] Good enough! Good enough, Clair!

Clair: Thanks, Mr. Goodman. [ she steps away ]

Mr. Johnson: Okay. Hey! Clair! Remember: Tell them it’s up-and-down, not across!

[ Clair lets out a wail, then exits the drugstore crying ]

Mr. Johnson: That’s right! You can’t beat Cresk for fighting cavities! Now with formaldehyde!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Dyan Cannon: 05/15/76: Dyan’s Dream I

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 1: Episode 20

Dyan’s Dream I

…..Dyan Cannon
…..Dan Aykroyd

Dyan Cannon: One of my favorite parts of being in the studio this week has been listening to the music of Leon and Mary Russell.

[ Dan Aykroyd walks up, wearing a dark trenchcoat and clutching the area by his neck ]

Dan Aykroyd: [ speaking hoarsely ] You know.. dreams really do come true, you know. [ Dyan laughs ] Drams really do come true —

Dyan Cannon: Dan —

Dan Aykroyd: And I’m a part of your dream now.

Dyan Cannon: Danny. It is not “a man comes up to me, and he is hoarse.”

Dan Aykroyd: Oh. It’s not?

Dyan Cannon: No, it’s not. It’s “a man rides up to me on a big, white horse.”

Dan Aykroyd: Well, I couldn’t hear that monologue backstage. You know what I mean? Uh.. Lorne was on the phone with Brian Epstein – I was listening in, you know? I’m just a guy looking for a little ray of California sunshine, if you know what I mean.

Dyan Cannon: Listen, that was really nice of you, though. I appreciate you trying.

Dan Aykroyd: Okay. [ exits stage ]

Dyan Cannon: Thank you. No, that was sweet. Okay! Now, Leon and Mary Russell.