Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Second Presidential Debate

Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Jeremy Blaustein…..Fred Armisen
Eugene Picanzi…..Bill Hader
Tagg Romney…..Taran Killam
Teresa Cucinelly…..Kate McKinnon
Dominic Fonte…..Bobby Moynihan
Lisa Goldstein…..Cecily Strong
Kerry Lapkis…..Tom Hanks

[ open on Hofstra University, Hempstead, New York ]

[ dissolve to Candy Crowley ]

Candy Crowley: Good evening, from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. I’m Candy Crowlety, from “CNN: State of the Union”. Welcome to the Second Presidential Debate. Tonight’s debate is a Town Hall, and our audience’s 82 undecided voters are from the Long Island area, with questions based on the severity of their accents. Their questions are known to me and my team only. Neither the commission nor the candidates have seen them, and, in some cases, it will seem as though the person asking the question is also seeing it for the first time. With that out of the way, please welcome President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney.

[ the two candidates enter the stage and shake hands ]

Candy Crowley: Gentlemen, welcome. Governor Romney, you own the coin toss, so the first question goes to you, and it comes to us from a shaky extra from the film “A Bronx Tale”.

Jeremy Blaustein: Uh… hi! Hi! Hello, hi. Uh — I’m a 38-year old college student, and all I ever hear is, uh, how I’m never gonna get a job. You know? I hear it from everybody! Professors, and neighbors, and friends, and, uh, bus drivers, you know? Uh, I hear it from passersby, you know? My parents tell me, “Jeremy, you lousy so-and-so!” — You know? — “You’re NEVER gonna amount to NOTHIN’!” — You know? — “Why’d you have to be BORN?!” [ he chuckles nervously ] I don’t have a good answer, so-so-so my question is: “Could one of you please promise to give me a job… so my parents get off my back?”

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Well… that’s a, uh, terrific question, Jeremy. And it’s a question that’s being asked ALL over America today. Now, the President claims that unemployment is dropping!

President Barack Obama: It is.

Mitt Romney: Well, uh — hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! you’l get your turn, pal, okay? I go first, because I won the coin toss! So…

President Barack Obama: That was LUCK!

Mitt Romney: Luck? No, no, no, no, no! No, winning a coin toss has NOTHING to do with luck, my friend!

President Barack Obama: [ jumping to his feet ] Let’s get something straight RIGHT NOW! I’m NOT your friend!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, and I’m not yours, wither, Sparky! Okay? By the way, uh — what’s your salary as President?

President Barack Obama: $400,000! $400,000, yeah! I mean, what’s it to you?!

Mitt Romney: $400,000? Huh! $400,000. Yeah, that’s what I pay my cats! Okay. Now, uh, why don’t you go sit down before I beat you to death with my paycheck, alright?

Candy Crowley: Okay. Gentlemen, please, let’s try and keep this thing civil.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, well — HE started it!

Candy Crowley: Okay. Our next question is —

Mitt Romney: No, no, wait a minute! Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! Candy, I think I get to say four more things.

Candy Crowley: I’m sorry, Governor Romney…

Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, Candy! Come on, now — FOUR more things, real quick. The rules say!

Candy Crowley: No, the rules do not…

Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, please! Candy, what are you doing? Alright? THREE more things, and one more additional thing. That’s it, four things.

Candy Crowley: Mr. Romney — No! Now please step back away from my desk!

President Barack Obama: Candy is he bothering you?

Candy Crowley: I’m fine, Mr. President. Our next question is from Eugene Picanzi, and it’s for the President.

Eugene Picanzi: Yeah, hi. How you doin’? How you doin’? Okay! Here we go! Gas prices are a little high, if you ask me. So, uh… how come you don’t do nothin’ about that? Alright, thank you!

President Barack Obama: Well, uh, obviously, Eugene, we, uh, need to do everything we can to become energy-independent.

Mitt Romney: Oh, really? Well, then, why have you cut drilling permits on federal land by HALF?

President Barack Obama: That’s not true!

Mitt Romney: Well, so how much did you cut?

President Barack Obama: Not true!

Mitt Romney: You didn’t cut anything? You’re not going to cut anything?

President Barack Obama: I’m about to cut you!

Mitt Romney: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, I’d like to see that! I’d like to see that! Huh?

President Barack Obama: Look — this isn’t Colorado any more, Governor. Okay? This is sea level!

Mitt Romney: Alright, okay. Mr. President, if you don’t mind, I’d like to answer Eugene’s very thoughtful question about gas prices. Then, after that, it’s you and me outside!

President Barack Obama: Oh, really, old man?

Mitt Romney: Yeah, that’s right! That’s right! Just the two of us, no Secret Service, okay?

President Barack Obama: In that case, you’d better bring, uh, your Mormon magic underpants — AND your wife’s dancing horse! Because, Blondie, when I play, I play for KEEPS!

[ Tagg Romney rises from the audience, his fist clenched ]

Tagg Romney: Let me at him, Dad!

Mitt Romney: No, no, no! Come on, sit down, Tag, alright? Not now!

Candy Crowley: Gentlemen, really — this is SO inapropriate.

Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, he started it, you know?

Candy Crowley: Okay, okay… Governor Romney, what would you do about the price of gas?

Mitt Romney: Well, HERE’S where we have to look at what this president’s already done. Right? This is a president who’s made it harder… for U.S. oil companies to drill. Okay? He brought criminal action against an oil company in North Dakota because 25 BIRDS were killed. 25! Well, let me promise you that, as your president, I will NEVER care how many birds are killed! You can kill 250 birds! You can kill 2500 birds! If it brings gas prices down ONE cent… I would personally stalk, capture and strangle EVERY bird in this great land — except eagles!

President Barack Obama: What Governor Romney just said is simply not true!

Mitt Romney: [ growling ] Ohhhh, I want to FIGHT you!!

President Barack Obama: Any time, Casper! Any time!

Mitt Romney: So bad!

Candy Crowley: Governor Romney, I want to remind you that threatening the life of the president is a federal crime, punishable by ten years of imprisonment. Okay?

Mitt Romney: I got it.

Candy Crowley: And for your part, Mr. President, threatening a former governor of Massachusetts is a Class B misdemeanor, and it’s involving a fine of no less than $50 and no more than $150.

President Barack Obama: Understood.

Candy Crowley: Okay. However, if you do wish to threaten the life of a former Massachusetts governor, the license fee is $8 a year.

President Barack Obama: Cool!

Candy Crowley: Our next queston is from Theresa Cucinelly, and it is for Governor Romney.

Theresa Cucinelly: Governor Romney. You promised to eliminate some tax deductions. The mortgage deduction. The charitable deduction. The child tax credit. And the, um… oh, my God! What’s the other? This is so embarrassing!

President Barack Obama: Uh — you’re doing great.

Theresa Cucinelly: Okay… okay… [ she pulls out a note card ] and “Pizza Bagels.” That’s a grocery list.

President Barack Obama: Still doing great.

Theresa Cucinelly: [ grabbing another note card ] Uh — “Iceland Avenue to Souhern Park West.” No. Those are directions.

President Barack Obama: You’re doing a little less great.

Theresa Cucinelly: [ grabbing another note card ] Here it is. It’s, uh… it’s Education. So please answer that!

Mitt Romney: Uh, well, Denise… uh… Denise, my economic plan is a simple one. It’s a 5-point plan that we can ALL get behind.

President Barack Obama: You know, uh, Governor Romney keeps mentioning this 5-point plan, but where is it? Uhhhh, I mean what are these five points?

Mitt Romney: Oh! Oh, you want to see them? Okay, here you go. [ he holds up his hand and forms a fist ] Here’s one, two, three, four, five. Right here — BAM! That’s my plan!

President Barack Obama: Well… I got a one-point plan for you. Want to see it? Uh, here it is! [ he holds up his hand and slowly raises his middle finger ]

Candy Crowley: President Obama! President Obama! Put your finger down.

President Barack Obama: And the best thing about my plan is you can sit on it AND spin!

Candy Crowley: Mr. President, please! Governor Romney, you, too. You’re setting a terrible example for this audience, and these people are VERY impressionable! [ whispering ] They’re from LONG ISLAND!

President Barack Obama: Okay!

Mitt Romney: He started it!

Candy Crowley: Very well. Uh — now, uh — let’s see. The next question comes from Dominic Fonte, and it’s also for Governor Romney.

Dominic Fonte: [ opening wadded up piece of paper ] Governor Romney. A few minutes ago, you said you would like to kick President Obama’s ass.

Candy Crowley: Okay. Oh, boy. Here we go.

Dominic Fonte: Okay? Well, how about if I kicked your asses instead? How would THAT be? Huh?!

Mitt Romney: Oh, you’re welcome to TRY, Tubby!

Candy Crowley: This is exactly…

Mitt Romney: How about if I put you on a schedule for a BEATDOWN?! How about that, huh?

Dominic Fonte: Oh, ho ho! You got NOTHING! You’re a PUNK! I’ll kick YOUR ass… and then I’ll kick the PRESIDENT’s ass!

Candy Crowley: Okay. Wait, wait, wait… Now, why do you want to kick the ass of both Governor Romney and the President?

Dominic Fonte: Uh — I don’t know. I’m undecided?

Candy Crowley: Okay. Our next question comes from Lisa Goldstein. Lisa?

Lisa Goldstein: I was wondering what either one of you would do to keep dangerous assault weapons, like AK-47s, off the streets?

Mitt Romney: Uhhh… nothing.

President Barack Obama: I would also do nothing.

Candy Crowley: Good. Very well. Okay. Moving on — we’ve reached our final question for the night, and this is from Kerry Lapkis.

[ in the audience, Kerry is waving to the camera while speaking into his cellphone ]

Kerry Lapkis: I’m waving. Can you see me? Can you see me, I’m waving. I’m waving. Can you see me? You can?! Hey!

Candy Crowley: Mr. Lapkis. Mr. Lapkis, please.

Kerry Lapkis: Okay… okay. Okay, this question actually comes from a brain trust of my friends at Global Telecm Supply, and it’s, uh… [ he rabs a microphone and holds it right up to his mouth ] This isreally a terrific question! [ he unfolds a tiny sheet of paper ] Can I just say, by way of a warning… you’d better buckle your seat belts! ‘Cause this question is about to blow your mind! [ he opens the sheet, removes and replaces his glasses, and flips the sheet all around ] “Libya.”

President Barack Obama: You know, uh, I’m glad you brought Libya up. You know? Because Governor Romney wants to politicize Libya… [ Romney shoves Obama ] In the same way he wants to politicize my handling of the economy! [ Romney reaches over and tries to grab Obama’s microphone ] Governor Romney wants to politicize things so much, that sometimes it makes me feel like he and I are both politicians. [ Romney smacks Obama on the forehead ] You got a problem?!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, yeah, I got a problem! I want to know why it took you so long to call the attack in Benghazi a TERRORIST attack!

President Barack Obama: I said that THE DAY AFTER!

Mitt Romney: No, you didn’t!

President Barack Obama: Yes, I did!

Mitt Romney: No, you didn’t!

President Barack Obama: Yes, I did!

Mitt Romney: No, no! In fact, I would be willing to bet, here and now, that you have NEVER in your life, even ONCE, used the phrase “Terrorist Act”!

President Barack Obama: Uh, get the transcript! Get it!

Candy Crowley: Governor, he has, in fact, used the phrase “Terrorist Act”.

Mitt Romney: Candy, no. No, no, no, Candy. Come on! [ he steps closer ]

Candy Crowley: Yeah. I’m afraid he did.

Mitt Romney: Candy, please. Candy.

[ Obama steps forward, stares at Romney and drops his microphone to the floor. He then wipes the dust from his shoulders. ]

Mitt Romney: Ohhh, Candy. Oh, Candy, come on!

Candy Crowley: And that concludes tonight’s debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Donkey Punch The Ballot

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad
MC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Butt Dave…..Bobby Moynihan
Ruth Bader Ginsburg…..Kate McKinnon
Troy Kamanawana…..Bruno Mars

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BAAAAAACK!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And, believe it or not, it’s already time to elect a NEW-ASS president, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And we’re comin’ art you with a special POLITICAL Underground Festival! It’s called…

Announcer: Donkey Punch The Ballot!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: With performances from ALL the hottest political rappin’ rock bands!

Announcer: There’s gonna be… GEORGE W’S BUSH! VEIN CRAPITAL! TODD AKIN AND THE LEGITIMATE RAPES! RAGE GAINST THE MACHINE COVER BAND: IRRITATED AT THE PRINTER! And SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER!

[ explosion ]

DJ Supersoak: But donkey Punch is ALSO about helping people! Here to tell you more is my son — MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! Nowadays, old people got trouble votin’, yo! [ he makes a squeaky sound ] So we got a NEW charity! It’s called…

Announcer: MAKE OLD PEOPLE THINK THEY VOTED!!

MC George Castanza: Yeah! So give us all the old people you know… [ he makes a squeaky sound, then a dinosaur roar ] or we’ll give you:

Announcer: A FIST TO THE TAINT!!

Lil’ Blaster: I like that!

DJ Supersoak: And you know we got some FRESH-ASS special guests for y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: See if you can pick Jon Huntsman out of a line-up of Sears catalog models! [ show line-up ] And you KNOW we got the WHOLE Fox News Team in the house — except for O’Reilly, Hannity, van Susteren, Huckabee and ?? [Smears?]

Announcer: [ over blacked-out group photo ] WE GOT CAVUTO!!

[ DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster fist-bump ]

Lil Blaster: Ha ha!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah!

[ wipe to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! You can watch the emotional display as our good friend, Ass Dan, is finally reunited with his twin — Butt Dave.

[ cut to Ass Dan and Butt Dave sitting in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Yo, Butt! [ he starts weping ] There is something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to ask you! Why…?

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2012” ]

Ass! Yo! There’s something wrong with my broth…!

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Butt Dave, 1981-slightly later in 2012” ]

[ cut to Lil’ Blaster ]

Lil’ Blaster: Plus: We got TONS of activities that’ll leave you feeling SORE and HUMILIATED!

DJ Supersoak: The re-enactment of the Lincoln-Douglas Debates — by Linkin Park and Buster Douglas!

Lil’ Blaster: And you can challenge Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to a Borat Impression-Off!

[ cut to Ruth Bader Ginsurg ]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: My wife. She is… prostitute.

[ Ginsburg looks around helpessly, then explodes ]

Lil’ Blaster V/O: Then, hire a girl for your company — from our BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN! And here’s the best part about THESE ladies:

Announcer: THEY’RE DUDES!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: Sample our HOMEMADE salami, and see if you can guess the secret ingredient! Here’s a hint:

Announcer: It’s ANN ROMNEY’S HORSE!

DJ Supersoak: I told you to say RAFALCA, Bitch!

Lil’ Blaster: do a job interview with Herman Cain!

Announcer: BRING A CONDOM!!

DJ Supersoak: And the entire festival’s laid out by Apple Maps — so you don’t know the FUCK where anything is!

Lil’ Blaster: All this, plus get a Fake I.D. made by our Hawaiian buddy — Troy Kamanawana!

[ cut to Troy standing in front of American flag ]

Troy Kamanawana: Hey! How’s it? Are you from Africa? Would you like to be the President of the United States? Shoots! I’ll hook you up with one MEAN Hawaiian birth certificate! All you gotta do is SMOKE ME OUT… or TOUCH MY NUTS! [ he yells something unintelligible ]

[ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got CRACKED OUT ELEPHANTS AND DONKEYS FUCKING ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!!

Lil’ Blaster V/O: Donkey Punch The Ballot takes place ONLY — where else?

Announcer: a KFC IN SYRIA!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Goodnights

…..Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars: I want to thank Tom Hanks — give it up for Tom Hanks, y’all! I want to thank my fans! The cast! The crew! This has been an AMAZING experience! Lorne Michaels, thank you so much! Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Bruno Mars — until we meet again, good night!

[ Tom Hanks repeatedly mouthes “Bruno Mars!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Sad Mouse

Mark…..Bruno Mars
Supervisor…..Jason Sudeikis

[ title card: “Sad Mouse” ]

[ cut to Mark crying ]

Mark: …And she said she loved me… but she couldn’t picture me as her husband…! And that was it, man! Six years of my life, gone! and it all went down the same weekend my Dad says he had another family! He had them the whole time! He likes them even more because they’re smarter…! [ he sniffles ]

Supervisor: [ uncomfortable ] Well, uh… well, Matt…

Mark: Mark.

Supervisor: This is gonna be the easiest hundred bucks you ever made. Basically, you just pop on this patriotic mouse costume right here, and then you go out to Times Square tonight, shake hands with people, take a few photos, wave to the tourists — you know, that kind of thing. And then we’ll split your tips, fifty-fifty.

Mark: What if they don’t wave back?

Supervisor: What do you mean? Who doesn’t wave back? What are you talking about?

Mark: In the emotional state that I’m in, if I wave and… and they didn’t wave back, that’s… that’s just gonna be really, really hard. [ he starts crying again ]

Supervisor: You know… you’re overthinking it, buddy! [ he laughs ] I mean, this is just gonna be a fun thing you do where you make a little bread.

Mark: Alright. Alright. I think I can do it…

[ sad piano music plays, as the scene dissolves to Mark dressed as the patriotic mouse walking around Times Square ]

[ he waves to various people, but nobody waves back. They just keep walking down the street. ]

[ a couple has him take a picture of them, though they’re not interested in having their picture taken with him ]

[ a small boy watches as Mark sits dejectedly on the curb ]

[ Mark lifts his mouse head to take a smoke ]

[ he stares desultorily at his girlfriend’s break-up letter, then turns to his Dad’s goodbye letter ]

[ he kicks over a garbage can, then lays on the ground and punches himself in the mouse head as people ignore him ]

[ suddenly, he sees a costumed frog waving to peopel with no response, so he walks over and waves to her ]

[ she waves back, they hug and walk off hand-in-hand ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Chanel No. 5

Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam

[ card: “Brad Pitt. Pour. Chanel.” ]

[ cut to Brad Pitt, in black-and-white ]

Brad Pitt: It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear, and dreams take over. And then dreams wake up and smile at realty… [ he shakes his head ] I’m sorry, is there really no script? ‘Cause I’ve been talking to myself for, like, two hours straight and I’m starting to sound insane. [ he glances off-screen ] What? You want me to sound less coherent? Really? [ he slaps his side ] Okay, uh… I can just start making up words. You like that? Alright. [ he sighs ] “Splindiferous.” Yeah? [ he thinks ] “Magnificous.” “Pintalicious.” Okay, okay, I’m sorry — is it just me, or do I look SUPER homeless? That’s what you want? Rock and roll!

[ dissolve to product, in color ]

Brad Pitt V/O: Chanel No. 5.

[ return to Brad Pitt, in black-and-white ]

Brad Pitt: You’d understand it, buh!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Merryville Haunted Castle

Kelly…..Vanessa Bayer
Peter…..Jay Pharoah
Robots…..Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn’t going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.

Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid’s ride. Nothing’s gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]

Kelly: Peter, DON’T do that!

Peter: I’m sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It’s the Merryville Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with horns and a tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!

Kelly: Well, they creep me out.

Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Kelly: What was that?

Peter: I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. We’re just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don’t worry — [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We’ll… take… good CARRRRE… of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight!

[ he exits ]

Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?

Peter: Baby, it’s fine, okay?

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Kelly: Oh, no…

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?

Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They’re not even — they’re robots! Come on!

Kelly: Okay, that one’s smoking.

[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]

Peter: [ scoffing ] He’s probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!

Kelly: Don’t do that! You’re gonna make them mad! You’re gonna — you’re gonna make them MAD right now, okay?

[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride’s probably fixed.

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God! They’re trying to KILL US!!

Peter: I — I — I don’t see it!

Kelly: They have WEAPONS!!

[ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That’s ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!

Peter: Baby, you’re getting paranoid.

Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!

Peter: Peter is a common name.

Kelly: Okay — well, it’s also got your picture!

[ reveal tombstone with Peter’s face on it ]

Repairman: Okay, folks, we’re getting real close on fixing the ride.

Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They’re trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!

Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa… boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.

Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma’am, I assure you — there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and —

[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]

Kelly: Oh, my God!

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God, there’s ANOTHER one!

[ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]

Kelly: Oh, no! I – just — what do we do?

[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don’t let them take you!

Peter: I’ll meet you outside!

Kelly: Don’t let them take you!

[ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared… but you have a very lovable face.

Fourth Merryville Brother: I… get that… a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]

Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay!

[ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody “THE END” superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5


]]>

12e: Bruno Mars

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

This Tuesday was the second Presidential debate. Said President Obama, “Second?? Oh, crap!”

A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That’s right — Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number. Those people!

Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states: Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or, as the candidates are now calling them: [ in Spanish accent ] Colorado, Florida y Nevada. Bueno! Bueno!

A new poll shows that mitt Romney has a massive 22 point lead over President Obama among rural voters in battleground states. Rural voters say they can’t really put their finger on it… but there’s something about Romney that just seems right… probably just a feeling. [ split-screen photos of Romney and Obama slowly jump to close-ups of their skin ] Just a feeling!

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo, this week, endorsed President Obama during an appearance on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show”. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn’t know birth control was pro-Obama.

During a debate Wednesday between New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand and her opponent Wendy Long, moderators asked both women if they had read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Even worse, the follow up question was, [ slyly ] “…to each other?”

Seth Meyers: The third and final Presidential Debate is Monday ight in Boca Raton, Florida. With the race dead-even, both candidates are looking for a performance that will shift the momentum in their favor. We thought we’d help out with a few “Debate Dos and Don’ts”.

[ title card appears ]

Alright, here we go! Do: Speak loudly and clearly. You’re in Boca Raton, Florida. Their city motto is: “Say It In My Good Ear.”

Don’t keep telling us stories about people you mt at your rally who happen to agree with your positions. That’s like Bret Michaels saying, “At my last concert, someone yelled “Poison Rules!””

Mr. President, this one’s just for you: Don’t mention killing Osama bin Laden any more. It was great and all, but Americans have a short attention span. At this point, saying you killed bin Laden is like saying you won the second season of “American Idol”.

And, Obama: Do talk down to the American people. Stop assuming we know the issues as well as you. Most of us are dummies. Haldf the country thinks ObamaCare is who we call when our iPad stops working.

Mitt Romney: Do mention that you saved the Olympics, but Don’t mention that it was the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics are a grand spectacle of sport; the Winter Olympics is just 48 different kinds of sliding.

Don’t smile so much. Your normal facial expression already looks like you’re shaming a waiter. When you smile, it looks like you’re about to tell your dad it’s time to move into a home — and remember, you’re in Boca.

Also, TV networks: Don’t televise the post-debate stage hugs and milling about. It looks like the lights just came on at America’s most boring nightclub.

Announcer: This has been “Dos and Don’ts”.

Seth Meyers: Residents of Brooklyn who live near the new Barclays Center are complaining that large numbers of people have been urinating on the streets and behind buildings after Brooklyn Nets games — and also for the last 200 years.

New research shows that giving teenage girls HPV vaccinations does not encourage them to have sex. “Then what does?” said teenage boys. “What does?”

A plan has been proposed for a new bridge across the Seine River in Paris that would be made out of trampolines. And the only way that could go wrong is immediately.

A professor at the University of New Mexico has developed a dissolvable mouth strip that can relieve the pain caused when a person burns the top of their mouth eating pizza. Finally, a scientific alternative to waiting a minute. Just wait a minute! One minute!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s almost Halloween in New York City, which means millions of tourists will be heading here to see what fun the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hi! I’m Stefon. [ he holds out his hand to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know! Okay, Stefon — Halloween. Always a big deal in New York. So, why don’t you tell us about some of the best spots for people to check out?

Stefon: Yes. If you need to get a spot checked out, I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is… [ deep-voiced ] Jelly Bones! Located on the Lower Upper Side… this random home invasion is the creation of legally-drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you’ll be handed a glass of champagne — or is it piss? [ he covers his mouth ] Needless to say, this place has EVERYTHING: Slurpies, Mushmouthes, Litterbugs… Don’t worry about security, because it’s guarded by an army of hobo-cops.

Seth Meyers: Hobo-cops?

Stefon: Homeless Robocops! [ he covers his mouth ]

Seth Meyers: Look, Stefon, that sounds like a kind of heavy-duty scene. I was, you know, just looking for something a little more traditional.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm…!

Seth Meyers: You know, uh… you know what? Maybe this will help keep it on track. Why don’t you walk us through whart you will do on Halloween?

Stefon: Uh — what I do on Halloween? Uh, starting when?

Seth Meyers: Well, let’s say… seven at night.

Stefon: 7 p.m. Okay. Sooo… I wake up… I go home… I take a shower… [ he mimes this act ] Now, my dog — Bark Ruffalo — probably hasn’t eaten yet, so I feed him…

Seth Meyers: Yeah, but where do you go when you go out?

Stefon: Ohhh, right. I’ll tell you what… New York’s hottest Halloween party is: [ he cowers down and growls twice ] Located in an abandoned white fish factory in Little Israel… this place is gonna have EVERYTHING: Ghosts, ghouls, goblins… my son! [ he covers his mouth ] On the dance floor, you’ll find both guys from Wham! wearing a two-man horse costume. Spoiler alert: They’re both in the back. And there’s a special guest. Have you heard of Blacula, the Black Dracula?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: Well, they have a Jewish Dracula.

Seth Meyers: Oh. What’s his name?

Stefon: Sidney Appelbaum! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Sidney Appelbaum?

Stefon: [ cracking up ] Yes! [ he continues to crack up, then finally composes himself ] For a healthy snack, hit the bar and have some Fraisins — raisins that look like Frasier! Or try your luck with the Human Pinata.

Seth Meyers: And what is the Human Pinata?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a Mexican midget eats a lot of candy, and then he dances until he throws up! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, Stefon… I think “midget” is actually an outdated term.

Stefon: Sorry. Not “midget” — [ making finger quotes” “Fun-sized”! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I was looking for something more WHOLESOME for Halloween. You know, a haunted house or a place to hear ghost stories.

Stefon: Oh, I know a story with a ghost in it!

Seth Meyers: Is it a Halloween-related story?

Stefon: Yes’m!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Can I have the lights down, please? [ the lights dim ] Oooooohhhhhh! “A long, long, long time ago — like, say… six minutes ago — there was once an old house. And in that house, there lived an old gay man that people called Slimerrrrr!”

Seth Meyers: Why did they call him “Slimer”?

Stefon: [ as the lights pot up ] Well, if you recall in the film “Ghostbusters”, Slimer was able to hold — shall we say? — multiple hot dogs in his mouth at one time!

Seth Meyers: Oh, I understand it! Stop! I understand it — stop!

Stefon: If you understood, you wouldn’t want it to stop!

Seth Meyers: I do understand, and I DO want it to stop! I DO understand… and I DO want it to stop!

Stefon: Alright!

Seth Meyers: I understand; YOU don’t understand!

Stefon: Good — no, I FULLY understand!

Seth Meyers: Now, I know thart you have tried your best, Stefon, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween tips, buddy.

Stefon: Don’t you want to hang out on Halloween?

Seth Meyers: You know what? I do. I’ll pick you up at 7:00. Where do you live?

Stefon: You know the Radio Shack at 23rd and 7th?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: I live in a garbage can.

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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November 3rd, 2012

Louis C.K.

Fun.

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Press ConferenceSummary: Following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan) give a status report as their sign-language interpretors (Cecily Strong, Nasim Pedrad) provide wild, overexaggerated hand gestures.

Recurring Characters: Mike Bloomberg, Chris Christie.

Transcript

Montage

Louis C.K.’s MonologueSummary: Louis C.K. performs stand-up about an old lady he helped out at the airport.

Transcript

Fox and FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) offer clumsy hurricane safety tips and chat with a FEMA worker (Louis C.K.).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Donald Trump.

Transcript

LincolnSummary: In a parody of Louis C.K.’s sitcom, Abraham Lincoln (Louis C.K.) performs stand-up routines based on his daily observations as the President of the United States.

Transcript

Australian Screen LegendsSummary: A series of film clips documents the career of Tedd DAvies (Kate McKinnon) and Graham Dixon (Bill Hader), until Dixon breaks out to co-star exclusively with John Chisolm (Louis C.K.).

Fun. performs “Some Nights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) makes his final argument to voters. Social Media expert Kourtney Barnes (Aidy Bryant) discusses online reaction to the Presidential election. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) attempts to discuss the Presidential election and Hurricane Sandy.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

Mountain PassSummary: Tylor (Louis C.K.) disturbs mountain dwellers while blowing a horn as a signal for Zord (Fred Armisen).

Hotel FeesSummary: Businessman (Bobby Moynihan) is anxious to check out of his hotel as the Clerk (Louis C.K.) itemizes every last detail of his bill.

Transcript

Fun. performs “Carry On”

Last CallSummary: Drunken Dan Pants (Louis C.K.) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) attempts to politicize Hurricane Sandy in order to win votes in Ohio.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

The VoiceSummary: The celebrity judges are overenthusiastic for a contestant (Louis C.K.) who barely wants to be there.

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly, Shakira, Cee Lo Green.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Melissa McCarthy.

Roundball RockSummary: At a 1990 meeting with NBC Sports, John Tesh (Jason Sudeikis) and his brother Dave (Tim Robinson) perform “Roundball Rock” with unnecessarily loud lyrics.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Vince Vaughn.

The Drawing ShowSummary: Children’s host (Louis C.K.) lashes out at the kids in his audience who don’t appreciate his inept drawing skills.

Cologne KillerSummary: Cologne pitchman (Louis C.K.) is actually a serial killer and a master of disguises.

SNL Transcripts