Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
Jake…..Paul Rudd
Carolyn…..Vanessa Bayer
Norman…..Kenan Thompson
Mary…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to “What’s That Name?” The rules are simple: We show you a person, and you tell us their name! Our contestants today are: Jake, a CFO at Smith & Price; and Carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman Real Estate. And the first question goes to Jake: [ image: Jared Fogel holding large pants ] He’s Subway’s #1 spokesman. What’s That Name!

Jake: [ confidently ] Jared Fogel!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Carolyn, you’re up: [ image: Steve Zahn ] He’s the second lead in the film “Saving Silverman”. What’s That Name!

Carolyn: [ thinking ] Oh… uh… I know this. Um… Steve Zahn!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Now it’s time to up the ante. The next one is for $10,000. And here to read the clue… is the man himself!

[ a building doorman steps out ]

Norman: I’ve been your doorman for FOUR years! I open the door for you every day! I’ve always got a joke… and a smile! What’s MY name!

Jake: [ smiling with embarrassment ] Heyyyy! Hey, man! How’s it — how’s it hanging?

Norman: Low and lazy. What’s my name! I know your whole family! Your son, Ozzie, loves outer space! What’s my name!

Jake: …Carl?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!

Norman: [ fuming ] Norman the Doorman.

Jake: I’m — I’m so sorry! [ with awkward desperation ] Say… hi to the wife for me.

Norman: I’m sorry, what’s that?! Say hi to my wife? Yeah, okay — I’ll take the BUS… out to Forest Hills CEMETERY… and tell her that you said HELLO!!

[ Norman storms off the set ]

Jake: [ annoyed ] God… what the hell kind of show IS this?!

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?”! [ he smiles ] Carolyn, you’re up! And we’ve got another walk-on clue!

[ a cleaning lady steps out with her garbage can ]

Mary: For ten years, I clean your office every day. What’s my name?

Carolyn: [ stunned ] Ohhhhh, it’s… you! Uhhhh… Do you have any fun plans for the holidays?

Mary: Yes. CLEANING YOUR OFFICE!! What’s my name?

Vince Blight: [ mocking ] You don’t seem to know her naaaame!

Carolyn: [ struggling to save face ] I think it’s something, like… Eeee-yore?

Mary: That is cartoon donkey.

Carolyn: Of course, it is! Uh… Eeee-dore!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: What’s That Name!

Audience: MARY!!

Mary: [ pissed ] But Steve Zahn you know.

[ Mary strolls off the set ]

Carolyn: I just wish… those people wore name tags.

Vince Blight: [ incredulous ] Those people?!

Jake: I do want to say: I think what you’re doing is pretty lousy!

Vince Blight: Well, I think you’re lousy!

Jake: Do you know your cameramen’s names?

Vince Blight: The middle one’s Charlie!

Jake: What about the other two?

Vince Blight: IIIII’m not a contestant!

Jake: What are their names?!

Vince Blight: I’d tell you if I were a contestant… but I’m not! YOU are! And here’s your next clue:

[ a group of students enters ]

Jake: Who the hell are they?

Vince Blight: Eight of your summer interns. They worked for you for free for four months. If you can tell me any of their names… I’ll give you a MILLION DOLLARS!

Jake: I, uhhh… [ panicking ] Oh, geez… I don’t know. I don’t know, I’m just gonna say a name. Josh.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: There are THREE Joshes! That means you win THREE million dollars!

Jake: [ excited ] Oh, WOW!!

Vince Blight: Plus, you’ve got the opportunity to go double or nothing in our BONUS ROUND!! What do you say?

Jake: Alright, well, you know, I-I guess I’m on a HOT streak! Let’s go double or nothing!

Vince Blight: Fantastic! Here to read the bonus clue… is the man himself!

[ Norman runs out once again ]

Norman: WHAT’S MY NAME!!

Jake: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhh!! God, no! I-I wasn’t paying attention before! Josh?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Wwwwhat’s that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!!

Vince Blight: Norman the Doorman! It RHYMES, even!

Jake: Yeah. Right, it does. So easy.

Vince Blight: Well, Jake, that puts you back to ZERO. That’s our show. But stayed tuned for a NEW game show called: “What’s ni Your Internet History?” Yikes! Whew!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh, good evening. Uh, in the next few days… the U.S. House of Representatives… and the Senate… will be voting on a vital piece of legislation. Uh, it is a tax package worked out by this White House and Republican Congressional leaders. And it is absolutely essential that it pass, both to extend unemployment benefits to those out of work… and to prevent a massive tax increase… on the American middle class… at a time when the economy can least afford it.

Now, I know that many of you are unhappy with parts of this proposal, especially that it includes tax cuts for those making over $250,000 a year. But, the simple fact is… this White House had no choice. Republican leaders insisted on tax cuts for the wealthy… and, as I said in my press conference Monday, they had decided to hold us hostage. Literally. They held us hostage in all for about… three days. Bound… gagged… blindfolded… in a dark room somewhere outside Washington. It was a terrifying experience. Uh, hard to put into words. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, really.

And here’s something else: The Stockholm Syndrome — where hostages come to identify and agree with their captors — that’s a real phenomenon. It really is. I learned that for myself when, on the fourth day, I suddenly decided that I kind of agreed with the Republican philosophy of trickle-down economics. That’s why, to me, the tax cuts for the wealthy… aren’t a big problem. They’re the best part of the bill. [ enthuiastically ] You watch. I predict the rich will use that extra money to go out and create jobs. Millions and millions of jobs. It’s like Rush said on his show the other day: “I never got hired by a poor person.” [ he giggles coquettishly ]

So, if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi — or as I now like to call her: “San Francisco Nancy” — would just stop her obstructionist tactics and let this bill come to a vote, we can get our economy moving again. Now, “San Francisco Nancy” and her Democrat pals need to understand that, six weeks ago, the American people went to the polls and overwhelmingly rejected their San Francisco values… and their class warfare politics.

Now, one more thing: I would be remiss were I to appear before you tonight and not express my extreme disappointment — perhaps “outrage” is a better word — at the unjust treatment accorded Bristol Palin recently on “Dancing with the Stars”. The judges’ decision was a travesty. And I join the First Lady, as well as her fellow Mama Grizzlies, in condemning it.

Well, that’s all for tonight. I will see you next week in Tampa, Florida, when I join Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly as part of our Bold Fresh Tour. Now, in closing, let me reassure you that however long it takes, this nation’s current troubles will pass… because you Americans never have, and never will, give up. I say “You Americans” because, even though I always thought I was born here, uhhhh… lately I’ve begun to have my doubts.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Sexually Speaking

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Assistant…..Bill Hader
Pamela Shimpley…..Vanessa Bayer
Pamela’s Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Tyler Baines…..Paul Rudd
Jenna Lynn Hofstren…..Abby Elliott
Stacey Englands…..Nasim Pedrad

Narrator: [voiceover w/several still images of Dr. Linda Marie Choice helping various people] You’re watching Sexually Speaking with Dr. Linda Marie Choice. Dr. Linda has been married seven times and specializes in sexual and reproductive health. And now with her personal approach to sexual issues, please welcome Dr. Linda Marie Choice.

[Fade in to studio. Instead of Dr. Linda Marie Choice, we see a fat, bald man sitting in the host’s chair]

Roger Brush: Uh, Dr. Linda is sick. I’m her producer Roger Brush. Dr. Linda’s daughter called and said she’s got a stomach thing. Now I don’t want to get too graphic, but she’s got clear water coming out of her butt. So, uh, I said please don’t come in, I’ll just take it from here. Alright – let’s, uh, let’s go to the audience.

[Cut to audience. The assistant, wearing a headset and holding a microphone, has his arm around an audience member]

Assistant: This is Pamela Shimpley, she has a question about her and her husband’s lovemaking.

Pamela Shimpley: Hi, I have an issue with my husband. I love him so much, but he’s…well…small.

Roger Brush: You know what, I…I can’t hear you, honey, be loud.

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small…penis?

Roger Brush: S…say it again?

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small penis.

Roger Brush: Small v-necks? Y…can anybody hear her? Y’know, you gotta eat that microphone.

Pamela Shimpley: His penis – it’s thin like a chicken bone.

Roger Brush: Oh, that…alri…I see what you’re saying. Look, how ‘bout this? Y’know, when he does it, just say “Ooo ooo baby, that’s the best I ever had!”

Pamela Shimpley: No, that’s not the problem.

Roger Brush: Aw ye… I dunno what to tell you, sweetheart. Y’know, I’m up here sweatin’ trying to help you out, and you’re badmouthing your husband behind his back, so…

Pamela Shimpley: No, I…I’m not. He’s right there. [cut to Pamela’s husband, looking humiliated]

Roger Brush: You’re the one with the skinny dingaling? I dunno what to tell you. Y’know, soak it in salt water and see if it plumps up. Y’know, I…I’m not the expert. Alright, who’s next?

Assistant: This is, uh, Tyler Baines. He has a really interesting question.

Tyler Baines: Uh, my partner and I have been together for four years. How do we keep our sex life exciting?

Roger Brush: Okay. Uh, have you tried tickling her?

Tyler Baines: Uh, it’s a he.

Roger Brush: It’s a what?

Tyler Baines: It’s a he.

Roger Brush: What? I, y’know, I can’t hear you. It sounds like you said it’s a he.

Tyler Baines: Y…I did.

Roger Brush: Your girlfriend is a he?

Tyler Baines: I have a boyfriend.

Roger Brush: Well, how did that happen?

Tyler Baines: What should we do?

Roger Brush: Uh, I dunno. Y’know, just look at your boyfriend and say, “You and I both know this is weird.” And, uh…y’know…just, y’know, close your eyes and do it and get it over with and hope for the best.

Tyler Baines: What? W…where’s Dr. Linda? She really helps people. She tells them to touch each other’s faces and be honest with one another. Y’know, helpful stuff like that.

Assistant: Very sorry sir, Dr. Linda is sick today.

Roger Brush: Yeah, you want Dr. Linda up here peein’ out of her ass? I, I don’t. Let’s get to the next person, who we got?

Assistant: This is Jenna Lynn Hofstren. She has a great question and she needs your help.

Roger Brush: Okay. You gotta eat that mic, sweetie.

Jenna Lynn Hofstren: My boyfriend seems more concerned with his own needs in bed than mine.

Roger Brush: And? What are you looking at? I said “and”. I don’t see the problem. Who’s next?

Assistant: This is Stacey Englands.

Stacey Englands: Hi. I wanna have sex with my boyfriend, but he wants to wait.

Roger Brush: Why’s he wanna wait? Y…for you to lose some weight or something? Y’know…uh, y’know, make him a meal and, uh, a card and say “Hey, I’m sorry about my thighs, but this is as good as it gets.”

Stacey Englands: What? I’m not overweight! Dr. Linda would never say that.

Assistant: Oh, I know I know I know.

Roger Brush: Hey, why are you taking her side? Look ma’am, I’m trying to help you out – you’re being a real diva! Yep. Hey, listen, I got problems of my own, y’know. My sister just asked me if she could borrow fifteen grand. I don’t know that I have it! Y’know…I mean, I have it, but I want it. Okay so, uh, who’s next?

Assistant: No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Alright, well, good. When we come back, Nurse Kellers is gonna show us how to find the G-Spot. Oh great.

Submitted by Nick F.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Meryl Streep On Ice

Meryl Streep…..Abby Elliott
Woman #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Man #1…..Paul Brittain
Man #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Man #3…..Taran Killam

[ open on intercut close-up footage of an ice skater preparing for a performance ]

Announcer: This holiday season, at Madison Square Garden. There’s only one show… one skater… that families everywhere are flocking to see.

[ pan upward on skates to reveal: ]

Announcer: Meryl Streep… On Ice.

Meryl Streep: [ with mock humility ] Oh — STOP it! [ she shakes her head ]

[ reveal wide angle footage of Meryl Streep ice skating ]

Announcer: She mastered the stage… the screen… and now Meryl Streep takes to the rink.

[ cut to close-up of Meryl Streep as she holds a wine glass ]

Meryl Streep: Like it’s anything! I’m just… having fun!

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Meryl Streep: I’ve skated twice.. in my life! [ she chuckles ]

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

[ cut to audience testimonials ]

Woman #1: It was… UNBELIEVABLE!

Man #1: BETTER than “Sophie’s Choice”!

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: [ emotional ] All of a sudden, she was out there — a-a-and I didn’t even know she could skate! And, uh — [ gasping as he fights a tear ] I don’t know why I’m getting emotional! [ he laughs ]

[ cut to kids ]

Kids: MERYL!! MERYL!! MERYL!! MERYL!!

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: [ tearing up ] I’m sorry!

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: Uhh — th bitch can SKATE!

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Announcer: It’s Meryl Streep like you’ve NEVER seen her before.

[ cut to close-up of Meryl Streep as she holds a wine glass at a dinner table ]

Meryl Streep: I just… GET on the ice and GO! [ she chuckles and shakes her head at the idea ]

[ wide angle footage of Meryl Streep performing a complicated move ]

Announcer: Meryl Streep On Ice. Choreography by Nancy Meyers.

[ cut to kids ]

Kids: WE LOVE MERYL!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


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10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis
Anthony Crispino…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:

Many Democrats were upset this week with President Obama, saying that he failed to negotiate with the Republicans in extending the Bush-era tax cuts, and that he caved in on raising taxes with on the rich. Man, if other Democrats think you caved, you really caved! That’s like the Chess Club President calling you a nerd.

When Democrats this week rejected Obama’s compromise plan, the White House took a page from the music industry: If you’re not selling like you used to, break out the greatest hits.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested on Monday, and now all Americans can sleep easy knowing they have nothing more to fear from the bad man who wanted them to read.

In an interview this week with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denied that she is a lesbian, saying, “I’m not even kind of a lesbian.” Said Walters, “I haven’t asked you a question yet.”

New Jersey’s first bear hunt in five years started Monday. So be on your guard, mob wives.

It was reported that a number of professional athletes are now seeking to copyright their personal slogans, including the New York Jets Darrelle Revis’ “Revis Island,” Michael Strahan’s “Stomp You Out,” Terrell Owens’ “I Love Me Some,” and, of course, Brett Farve’s “Say Hello To My Little Friend.”

A man in Kentucky has been sentenced to 33 months in prison for threatening President Obama in a poem called “The Sniper”. And I would guess that “Poetry” is the absolute worst answer you can give to the question: “what are you in for?”

Seth Meyers: A car carrying Prince Charles and his wife Camilla was attacked Thursday in London by angry student protesters who were upset over a hike in university tuition fees. And to find out what Charles and Camilla were saying, it’s time for a “Weekend Update Audio Caption.” [ show graphic ] And here to help me perform it — Paul McCartney. [ McCartney appears to thunderous applause ] Alright! Welcome to Weekend Update, Paul. Are you ready?”

Paul McCartney: I am.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So I will be the voice of Prince Charles, and you’ll be Camilla.

Paul McCartney: Great.

Seth Meyers: Okay. And… can you do an English accent?

Paul McCartney: I can try.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Annnnnd… action! [ as Prince Charles, over graphic ] “Ohhhhhhh, no!”

Paul McCartney: [ as Camilla ] “Oh, goodness me!”

Seth Meyers: “Ner-do-wells!”

Paul McCartney: “Ruffians!”

Seth Meyers: “Ohhhhh, Camilla!”

Paul McCartney: “Oh, Charles, do something!”

Seth Meyers: “Ohhhhhh, no matter what happens, I love you, Camilla!”

Paul McCartney: “And I love you!”

Seth Meyers & Paul McCartney: “I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!”

Seth Meyers: Annnnnd… scene! [ the audience applauds wildly ] So, uh — how do you think that went?

Paul McCartney: It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever worked on.

Seth Meyers: Paul McCartney, everyone!

It was announced that, after 70 years, the syndicated newspaper comic strip Brenda Starr will end. So now the comics page will have room for the edgy, new strip “Ziggy: Nights.”

A new report suggests that men who grow up in the country have larger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don’t know if that’s true… [ in a hick accent ] but I reckon it could be!

A&E, this week, cancelled David Hasselhoff’s new reality series “The Hasselhoffs”, after just two episodes. It’s hard to say how Hasselhoff will take the news, but I’m going to guess… lying down?

Seth Meyers: It’s Christmastime in New York, which means millions will be heading to the city to celebrate. Here with some tips on what New York can offer, is our City correspondent… Stefon.

Stefon: [ low-key ] Hey!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, how have you been?

Stefon: The same.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon — lots of people are heading here for a great New York Christmas. Do you have any tips on what they can see and do?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re here from Ohio — or whatever — look no further: New York’s hottest club is Ounce! Located in the middle of the East River, this place has EVERYTHING! Chullos… cute people… a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch… an entire room of puppets doing karate!

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry? An, um… and why are puppets doing karate?

Stefon: Because it’s that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy “fat”, and she goes: “Hiiiii-ya!” [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Um… Now, Stefon, when I said, you know, “Fun things for the holiday” —

Stefon: Yes.

Seth Meyers: I meant, uh, things that were a little more… normal.

Stefon: Mmm-hmmmmmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: Um… can you think of anything that might be, a little more, sort of, like classic New York holiday.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you want your Christmas in New York to be classic, look no further: New York’s hottest club is Ooooomph! This lower lower East Side dump is the creation of club owner Tranderson Cooper. And it finally answers the question: “Do I have to?” [ he makes a panicked face ] This place has everything! Schitzos… kite enthusiasts… and that’s not all! Look who just came in — it’s BLINGO!

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry? Blingo?

Stefon: Black Ringo!

Seth Meyers: Oh.

[ Stefon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… buddy. Um… I don’t know how to say this, but, look — I was brought up to respect people from all walks of life.

Stefon: Tolerance?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I glad that you have a world you feel comfortable in.

Stefon: Dungeon culture, yes. Yes.

Seth Meyers: But… but, look, buddy — you know, I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy. You know? Born and raised in New Hampshire —

Stefon: [ excited ] A glimpse into Seth Meyers! [ he covers his face with his hands and stifles his laughter ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. And, uh — I just wanted — I wanted… yeah! But I just wanted to help folks. You know?

Stefon: Folks. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: You know? And I want them to find some good old-fashioned Christmas cheer.

Stefon: Mmmmmmmmm… yes! [ he makes an o-face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon, can you help us with that?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you’re old… or into fashion… I’ve got the place for you: New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen! And, right now, they’re having a “12 Days of Christmas” dance party!

Seth Meyers: [ touched ] Oh! “12 Days of Christmas”. Now, see? That sounds nice!

Stefon: And it has EVERYTHING! [ singing ] “12 jacked albinos… 11 Little Richards… 10 piercer babies… 9 Asian Balkis… 8 gay Aladdins… 7 psychos swearing… 6 PuertaScreeches…” — Puerto Rican Screeches! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Of course! Of course. Yeah. We all knew that. We all knew that.

Stefon: “– 5 homeless Elmos… 4 coked-up frogs… 3 French hens… Tay-lor Ne-gron… and a hu-man park-ing co-o-o-o-one!”

Seth Meyers: So…

Stefon: Lay it on me, my man! What’s your question?

Seth Meyers: My question is: What’s a human parking cone?

Stefon: Yes! It’s that thing of when two jacked midgets… paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them! [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs uncontrollably ]

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, that thing! It’s that thing.

Stefon: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Stefon —

Stefon: I’ve done it!

Seth Meyers: I’m gonna ask you a serious question: Stefon, don’t you ever just want to have a normal Christmas?

Stefon: Well, I would… but no one ever invites Stefon to a normal Christmas. Awwwwww… [ he eggs the audience on to extend their sympathy ]

Seth Meyers: Well, look… Stefon. Would you like to come to New Hampshire with me?

Stefon: [ excited ] He asked me!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody!

Stefon: I’m on top! I’m on top!

Seth Meyers: My good friend Stefon!

A New York City marketing group is trying to re-brand the area of Manhattan below Canal Street as “CanDo.” Which would be an improvement from its current nickname “Fish Stink Murder Town.”

A woman in England called police this week to report that her snowman had been stolen from her front yard. Oh, sure — the police are happy to get involved when a white person goes missing.

A two-year old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued by firefighters after she crawled inside a toy crane vending machine in a mall and became stuck. They were able to get her out safely, but it took, like, nine dollars in quarters.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Julian Assange in Prison

Diane Foster…..Nasim Pedrad
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader

[ open on MasterCard logo ]

Announcer: And now, a message from MasterCard.

[ dissolve to Diane Foster in a MasterCard office ]

Diane Foster: Hello. I’m Diane Foster, Vice-President of Customer Relations at MasterCard. This week, supporters of the WikiLeaks organization attacked our web site. I want to assure our customers that we are —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in prison ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’ve taken over your airwaves, inside a British prison. How did I get a camera into a British prison? Maybe you weren’t listening: I’m Julian Assange. This Monday, I was arrested, proving that, for those who terrorize the United States, there’s nowhere to hide. America will find you, and they will punish you — unless, of course, your name is Osama bin Laden.

[ he coyly sips from a china cup of tea ]

No, I was not arrested for terrorism, but, rather, to be questioned on two rape charges. It has long been Interpol’s job to hunt down those accused of sexual misdeeds. Who can forget their months-long pursuit of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? Double standard, anyone?

[ he chuckles and sips from a china cup of tea ]

Now, on to business. If I’m not released immediately, supporters of the WikiLeaks are prepared to take the following web sites:

Amazon. If I am forcibly imprisoned for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain’s new autobiography on Amazon as a Christmas present for their father, will instead send him the book “Everyone Poops”. Ho ho ho — awk-waaaaard!

Orbitz. If I’m held for two more days, any holiday flight booked through Orbitz will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also: All special requests will be logged as Middle Seat Kosher Meal. Lachaim!

[ he giggles maniacally and sips from a china cup of tea ]

Day Three: Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look thin? It’s gone. Boo hoo!

On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game FarmVille, AND… leave it alone. So people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests to water their stupid crops. Hoo-ray!

Day Five: Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of “Hanging With Mr. Cooper”? [ threateningly ] You’re about to! It’s first on your queue!

Angry Birds. If I’m held for six days, the birds in the popular app Angry Birds will no longer be angry. “What are you playing? Good-Natured Birds? How is it?” IT STINKS!!

And if I’m incarcerated for one whole week, we start messing with porn sites — the FREE ones. Ooooohhh! Got your attention NOW, do I? [ he smiles deviously ]

There you have it. Hope to see you on the outside. In conclusion, I want to remind you that no matter how I die, even if there’s a suicide note, it was murder. Cheers!

[ he laughs maniacally snd sips his tea ]

[ the picture turns snowy again and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:


December 18th, 2010

Jeff Bridges

Eminem

Lil Wayne

None

Cookie Monster

Akon

Jessica Alba

Blake Lively

John McEnroe

Jorma Taccone

Akiva Schaffer

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Christmas Eve in Washington, D.C.Summary: Frosty the Snowman (Kenan Thompson) envisions Democrats dreaming about better headlines in 2011.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rahm Emanuel, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Jeff Bridges’ MonologueSummary: Jeff Bridges explains how he’s different than The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”, then sings “Silver Bells” with Cookie Monster.

Transcript

Julian AssangeSummary: Now released from prison, Julian Assange (Bill Hader) interrupts a message from Mark Zuckerberg (Andy Samberg) to state that he should have been chosen as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

Recurring Characters: Mark Zuckerberg, Julian Assange.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing fellow drug user Nick Nolte (Jeff Bridges).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island rap “I Just Had Sex” with Akon.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King’s (Fred Armisen) final broadcast features guests Jermaine Jackson (Kenan Thompson), The Judds (Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott), and Dog the Bounty Hunter (Jeff Bridges).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Wynonna Judd.

Crunkmas KarnivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Christmas rock festival that features Joanna Kern.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan.

Transcript

Eminem and Lil’ Wayne perform “No Love”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) is hip to running for a second term. Brad Pitt (Taram Killem) delivers the weather forecast as Angelina Jolie (Abby Elliott) delivers another adopted baby. Seth Meyers’ favorite trio of commentators, former governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen), Stefon (Bill Hader) and Snooki (Bobby Moynihan), perform a Christmas classic.

Recurring Characters: Michael Steele, Angelina Jolie, David Paterson, Stefon, Snooki.

TCM: This, You Call a Wonderful Life?!Summary: Ben Mankiewicz (Bill Hader) presents clips of the earlier, Jew-heavy version of “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

Recurring Characters: Ben Mankiewicz, Jimmy Stewart.

Jeff’dSummary: Jeff Bridges presents clips of lame practical jokes he’s played on other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Sam Elliott, Billy Bob Thornton.

Eminem and Lil’ Wayne perform “Won’t Back Down” & “6’7”

Tunstall General StoreSummary: At an Old West general store, the shopkeeper (Bill Hader) relunctantly allows his cousin (Kristen Wiig) and her “special” friend (Jeff Bridges) to wrap customers gifts in ostentatious packaging for the Christmas holidays.

Transcript

A Holiday Message from The KardashiansSummary: Kim (Nasim Pedrad), Kourtney (Vanessa Bayer) and Khloe Kardashian (Abby Elliott) wish all their viewers a happy holiday.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mall Santa InterviewsSummary: Recruiters (Andy Samberg, Abby Elliott) interview inappropriate candidates for a mall Santa position.

Christmas PartySummary: Teenager (Paul Brittain) acts obnoxious during a family Christmas party.

Bedelia’s Drama ClassSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) would rather hang around her drama teacher (Jeff Bridges) than socialize with her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Crunkmas Karnival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
MC George Costanza…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: CRUNK-MAS!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And we here, at Under-Underground Records, say it’s time to ho-ho celebrate!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever… CRUNKMAS KARNIVAL!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: There’s gonna be TONS of LIVE underground rap and rock music, YO!

Announcer: You want Christmas music? These bands will MAKE! SANTA! PUKE! [ explosion ] With performances by Dump! Homeless Wedding! Frog Blast! Mary Poopins! Third Eye Blind! Butt Snack! Boyz II Dickz! And Scrotum Fire!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

Lil’ Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! Scrotum Fire! They my ninjas!

DJ Supersoak: AH HAAAAA!! And you BEST not need medical attention, yo! ‘Cause the First Aid Kit is:

Announcer: FULL! OF! SNAKES!

Lil’ Blaster: And once you’re in, you can’t leave! ‘Cause:

Announcer: ALL! EXITS! ARE! PADLOCKED!

DJ Supersoak: Luckily! You locked in with some DOPE special guests! Like wrestler Koko B Ware!

Lil’ Blaster: Comedian Phil Spector!

DJ Supersoak: The STAR of “Spaceballs” — Pizza the Hut!

Lil’ Blaster: And former Surgeon General — C. Everett Koop! Challenging YOU to a Mayonnaisse Fight!

Announcer: MAY-O-NNAISE FIGHT!!

Lil’ Blaster: And we’re FINALLY gonna give our deceased friend, Ass Dan, the Wiggedy Wake he DESERVES!

[ cut to Ass Dan lying in a coffin ]

Ass Dan: [ suddenly rising ] YEEEEEEAAHH!! You KNOW I’m still alive, BITCH!! I’m gonna live forev–

[ screen freezes and turns gray, with somber music and SUPER: “ASS DAN, 1981-2010” ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: But Crunkmas Karnival isn’t ALL about fun, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: No! We’re gonna bust soem CHARITY on you bitches!

DJ Supersoak: And here to tell you MORE! Is MC George Costanza!

[ cut to MC George Costanza ]

MC George Costanza: Yo! Instead of Toys For Tots! We got our OWN program! Yeah! It’s called: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

Announcer: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

MC George Costanza: YEEEEEEAAHH!! We’re givin’ them the stuff kids DON’T want! Yeah! So bring us your LEAKY BATTERIES! Yeah! Your BROKE-ASS FISH TANKS! Yeah, Yeah! EXPIRED TYLENOL! And we’ll give you a free:

Announcer: PUNCH IN THE STOMACH!

Lil’ Blaster: We got MAD special events! Like a DONG TUG-OF-WAR!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah! AND! A 2-D screening of “The Owls of Ga’Hoole”

Lil’ Blaster: Plus! Don’t miss a VERY special panel, y’all! “How Asian-Americans Can Break Into Entertainment”!

DJ Supersoak: And check it! We reunited the entire cast of “Growing Pains”, yo! Except for Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Tracey Gold, Jeremy Miller!

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out cast photo ] WE GOT THE MOM!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got LOOSE HAWKS flying ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

[ hawk flies past screen ]

DJ Supersoak: The Crunkmas Karnival takes place February 13th through the 15th! At, where else? THE METRODOME!

Announcer: [ over footage of snow collapsing through the Metrodome’s inflatable roof ] THE METRODOME!!

[ return to fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ explosion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Christmas Eve in Washington, D.C.

Frosty the Snowman…..Kenan Thompson
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: It’s Christmas Eve, in Washington, D.C.

[ dissolve to Frosty the Snowman ]

Frosty the Snowman: Hi! I’m Frosty the Snowman! It’s that time of year again — Christmas in Washington, D.C. It’s been a tough year for the Democrats. But, with the new year, comes new hope. And I bet if you went around this nation tonight, you’d find a lot of those Democrats dreaming about better headlines in 2011. Oh, indeed! I bet you would!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as President Barack Obama stares out the window ]

[ a Christmas ditty plays in the background ]

[ Obama smiles as a headline appears in his head: “UNEMPLOYMENT DROPS TO FIVE PERCENT” ]

[ Obama smiles wider as another headline appears: “WIKILEAKS: JOHN McCAIN A MUSLIM” ]

[ Obama smiles even wider as another headline appears: “SARAH PALIN ANNOUNCES 2012 PRESIDENTIAL BID” ]

[ cut to Hillary Clinton staring out of her window ]

[ Hillary smiles as a headline appears in her head: “CLINTON BROKERS MIDEAST PEACE” ]

[ Hillary smiles wider as another headline appears: “OBAMA TO HILLARY: LET’S SWITCH JOBS” ]

[ Hillary smiles even wider and fogs the glass as another headline appears: “2011’s HOTTEST LOOK: PANTSUITS!!!” ]

[ cut to Rahm Emanuel staring out of his window ]

[ Rahm smiles as a headline appears in his head: “CHICAGO MAYORAL RACE TO BE DECIDED IN FIST FIGHT” ]

[ Rahm smiles wider as another headline appears: “‘ENTOURAGE’ PICKED UP INDEFINITELY” ]

[ Rahm smiles even wider and pounds his fists as another headline appears: “RAHM CATCHES, KILLS BIN LADEN” ]

[ cut to Nancy Pelosi staring out of her window ]

[ Pelosi smiles as a headline appears in her head: “MILITARY TO GO EXCLUSIVELY GAY” ]

[ Pelosi smiles wider as another headline appears: “EARTHQUAKE SPLITS OFF CALIFORNIA, PELOSI ELECTED QUEEN” ]

[ Pelosi smiles even wider as another headline appears: “SCOTT BROWN FORGETS TO WEAR PANTS TO WORK” ]

[ cut to Joe Biden staring out of his window with a big open-mouthed smile on his face ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “LIVE GORILLA RUNS ON BASKETBALL COURT, DUNKS” ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “BATMAN TO BIDEN: LET’S SWITCH JOBS” ]

[ Biden is excited by the headline: “DENZEL WASHINGTON AND JOE BIDEN STOP RUNAWAY AMTRAK” ]

[ dissolve back to Frosty the Snowman ]

Frosty the Snowman: Indeed! Well, I guess my only wish is for Congress to pass some comprehensive climate change legislation. Before my ass MELTS!! Have a holly jolly Christmas, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Goodnights

…..Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges: Thanks to Eminem, Lil Wayne, Cookie Monster! Rest in Peace, Captain Beefheart! Happy Birthday, Brandon! Here comes a great day! Lorne and the “Saturday Night Live” crew and cast, thanks for making — [ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts