Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

The Mellow Show

Jack Johnson…..Andy Samberg
Dave Matthews…..Bill Hader
Boyd Tinsley…..Kenan Thompson
Jason Mraz…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Ozzy Osbourne…..Dave Mattews

[Open to title card “The Mellow Show with Jack Johnson]

VO: And now The Mellow Show, with your host, Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson: (singing) Super mellow show. Tune in if you like. No pressure, whatever. It’s like walking on the beach, yeah. (speaking) Hi, I’m Jack Johnson and welcome to The Mellow Show. Cargo shorts. Joining me on the couch today is my partner in barefooted crime, the very mellow, Dave Matthews. Hi Dave.

Dave Matthews: Hi Jack.

Jack Johnson: Hi.

Dave Matthews: Hi.

Jack Johnson: Ultimate Frisbee. Before we get started, a quick announcement, be on the lookout for Ziggy, my escaped pet gecko in a fleece jester hat. Ziggy’s unique in that he can both roll and smoke doobies, and he is very much at large. So Dave, I understand you have a new song for us.

Dave Matthews: I do, Jack. It’s called Chicken Panini. (singing) I got a chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, [Enter electric violinist] Chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh. A toasted, melted sandwich with grilled marks for twooo. Chicken Panini!

Jack Johnson: Beautiful. Thank you for that, and thanks, of course, to your freaky fiddle player, who looks like he’s from The Matrix.

[Electric violinist bows and exits]

Our next guest loves shoes, almost as much as he loves hats. Please welcome, Jason Mraz.

Jason Mraz: Hi Jack.

Jack Johnson: Hi.

Jason Mraz: Hi.

Jack Johnson: Hi. Vegan cookies. So, Jason, what’ve you be up to?

Jason Mraz: Well, the usual. Maintaining my avocado farm and making music for girls. Oh and I’m doing a lot of scatting. [scats]

Jack Johnson: Wow that is some smooth scatting.

Jason Mraz: Scatting is good when you’re too mellow to actually write lyrics.

Dave Matthews: Oh yeah. Foot five to that.

[Jack and Dave foot five]

Jack Johnson: So, Jason, any new songs?

Jason Mraz: Yes, I recently composed a song called “Looking Good”.

Jack Johnson: Please style us a sample.

Jason Mraz: (singing to the tune of I’m Yours) “I wanna look good so I went to the hat store. I looks at a bunch of really cool fedoras. I put one on my head. It looks great.”

Jack Johnson: That went down easier than a frosty hochata. Now another quick announcement, please keep a look out for my pet ferret, Mr. Coconut. You’ll know him by his Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and of course, he can roll and smoke doobies. Our next guest used to be very unmellow, but now he mainly just shuffles around in warm up pants. Please welcome, Mr. Ozzy Osbourne. [Ozzy enters] So Ozzy, tell us about your transformation into mellowness.

Ozzy Osbourne: Ehhh, you can’t fly a bicycle and I’m not an octopus having a crap in the back of a van, I’m crying my bloody brains out, so mellow.

Jack Johnson: Okay. Do you have a mellow song you’d like to share with us?

Ozzy Osbourne: Oh sure. This one is about taking it easy and having fun. It’s called, I am tired, man. (screaming/singing) I’m like 35, I wear sweatpants all the time, hang out on my own and watch a Fraizer marathon. I’m taking it easy! Snacking on kettle corn. AHHHHHH.

Jack Johnson: That was not so mellow. In fact, I’m pretty sure you scared Dave Matthews.

Ozzy Osbourne: Well, what doesn’t scare Dave Matthews? Look at him, heeeeeeeee his stupid face and his stupid feet, and his voice makes me want to throw up in my hands.

Jack Johnson: Well, this has been fun. One last announcement. Keep your eyes peeled for my pet Komodo Dragon, Professor Munchie. Note his trademark fedora and Tiva sport sandals. If you do encounter Munchie, do not buy weed from him, as it is laced with PCP.

Ozzy Osbourne: All right!

Jack Johnson: No, no. Well that’s our show. Until next time, I’m Jack Johnson saying, hemp necklace. Goodbye.

Submitted by: Caper Gooden

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much.

It feels SO good to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I’ll tell you why: I started out on television. Look, this is me, fifteen years ago on the show “Third Rock From the Sun”. [ reveal old photo ] I was such a CUTE little girl!

This last year, I got to be in a film called “(500 Days) of Summer”. [ the audience cheers ] So, one of my favorite parts in that movie was, I got to do this big dance number. Shooting that was the greatest day of my life. If you haven’t seen it, don’t worry — your girlfriend has.

But I had such a good time doing it, that, when I heard two months ago that I’m hosting this show, I thought… why not open with a big number? [ a woman whoos ] Now, my favorite — thank you! My favorite musical of all time is “Singing in the Rain”. So, when I was looking for a song to do, I immediately thought of one of the BEST songs in that film: Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh”. Now, if you haven’t seen that movie, don’t worry — your grandma has. It’s a GREAT performance, and, uh, with your permission, I’d like to do it tonight. [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Thank you! But, see, here’s the thing — when you get to host, the first thing you have to do is…

[ singing ]

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My mom said “Be an actor, my son
But be a comic one
They’ll be standing in line
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines”

[ crew members pass by carrying a wide board, so Gordon-Levitt hops on for the ride ]

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
Or you can charm the critics and have nothin’ to eat
But slip on a banana peel
The world’s at your feet
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ the crew members dump Gordon-Levitt off the board and let him fall to the floor ]

[ Gordon-Levitt looks up to see Bobby Moynihan standing on the set at Stage Left ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey! Welcome, Joe!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Can you believe it, man? They’re letting me do “Make ‘Em Laugh” on SNL!

Bobby Moynihan: No, I… can’t believe it.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Man, you gotta PINCH me or something, so I know I’m not dreaming!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay!

[ Bobby gives him a hard slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: That wasn’t quite a pinch.

[ Bobby gives him a harder slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Okay, that kinda hurt, actually.

[ Bobby coldcocks Gordon-Levitt across the face and knocks him to the floor ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [ jumping to his feet ] Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

[ he continues to sing ]

Make ’em…
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said, “Go out and tell ’em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke.”

Make ’em roar
Make ’em scream
Take a fall
Butt a wall
Split a seam

You start off by pretending
You’re a dancer with grace
You wiggle ’till they’re
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a… PIE in the face!
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ he opens a door to a brick wall and walks face first into it ]

Bobby Moynihan: [ rushing in ] Oh, my God! Joe! Are you okay?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

[ satisfied, Bobby coldcocks him across the face again ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?

[ he jumps in the air, falls to the floor, then spins his body in a circle on the floor ]

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[ he jumps to his feet, then collects his breath ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to a side wall, runs up the side and backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to the back wall, runs up the side and again backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laaaaaaugh, ha ha!

[ he runs into a corner wall to do the flip once more, but crashes through the breakaway wall instead ]

Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laaaaaaaaugh!

[ he falls onto his back at Home Base, then flips up onto his feet ]

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thanks for letting me do that! We’ve got a great show! The Dave Matthews Band is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

China Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hu Jintao…..Will Forte
Interpreter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on C-SPAN card ]

Announcer: We will now take you live to Beijing for the joint press conference already under way between U.S. President Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao.

[ dissolve to the press conference setting ]

President Barack Obama: As I already said privately, uhhh — I would like to thank President Jintao for his kind welcome and generous hospitality, and I hope that during this visit we can have a productive dialogue about the serious issues of concern that remain between our two countries — issues ranging from the unfair valuation of your currency to the trade imbalance, and, most importantly, human rights. Uhhh — I believe there can be a great partnership between us, but it will require compromise and understanding.

[ in each instance, as Hu Jintao responds in Chinese, his interpreter translates into English for Obama’s benefit ]

Interpreter: Thank you, Mr. President. I would like to add that I completely understand why you feel entitled to come here and lecture China on our shortcomings. After all, my country does owe the United States a great deal of money. Oh, wait! Hold on a moment! I believe I had that backwards. In fact, now that I think about it, it is your country that owes us a large sum of money. Is this correct?

President Barack Obama: Uh… yes.

Interpreter: Now, it’s coming back to me. I believe it’s $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: That is correct.

Interpreter: Such a large sum.

President Barack Obama: Yes, it is.

Interpreter: And, yet, you haven’t even mentioned it. That’s so odd.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, look — you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Are we? Are we going to get our money? Because, from what I read, your country is in the middle of a serious recession.

President Barack Obama: Uh, well, while this is true, there are signs that our bailout has steadied the financial markets, and our stimulus package has been effective in fixing the job crisis.

Interpreter: I’m curious: How many jobs has it created?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — so far… none.

Interpreter: I see.

President Barack Obama: But our health care reform plan — we’re confident — is going to lead to enormous savings.

Interpreter: How exactly is extending health care coverage to 30 million people going to save you money?

President Barack Obama: I… don’t know.

Interpreter: And this “Cash for Clunkers” program? I have read that you purchased many clunkers with our money.

President Barack Obama: Yes, we have.

Interpreter: What does this word “clunkers” mean?

President Barack Obama: Well, a, uh, clunker is a car —

Interpreter: I know what a “clunker” is. And, just so there is no misunderstanding, you are not allowed to pay us back in clunkers.

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: You know, as I listen to you, I am noticing that each of your plans to save money involves spending even more money. This does not inspire confidence.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] Sorry?

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: I don’t understand.

Interpreter: I like to be kissed… [ they raise their voices ] when someone is doing sex to me!!

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] There’s no need for that.

Interpreter: No? You know how many uninsured we have in China? One and a quarter billion. Billion! But I’ll tell you this: We don’t owe anyone $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: Well, obviously, we take our debt to you very seriously.

Interpreter: I suppose if I really wanted to get my money, I could call and say I was a Wall Street banker who needs his bonus. But, really, why should I have to stoop to that level?

President Barack Obama: You don’t have to stoop to any level.

Interpreter: Please understand, if it were my $800 billion I wouldn’t care. But it belongs to my country. I feel like I should bring it up.

President Barack Obama: You’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Say, while you’re here, are you at least going to treat me to dinner and a movie?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Interpreter: I think it’s the polite thing to do… [ they raise their voices ] before doing sex to me!

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Mr. President, please!

Interpreter: Very well.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, that as soon we solve this economic crisis —

Interpreter: Which one? The one that your country’s reckless real estate speculation caused? That one? I just want to make sure I know which one we’re talking about.

President Barack Obama: We are taking steps to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

Interpreter: What steps?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — reform of banking regulations.

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: What?

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: Then why are you trying to… [ they raise their voices ] do sex to me like I was Mrs. Obama?

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Now, now!

Interpreter: Just do it! Get it over with!

President Barack Obama: Mr. President!

Interpreter: Don’t be a tease!

President Barack Obama: I just —

Interpreter: I can take it!

President Barack Obama: This is not the time or place!

Interpreter: Very well. In that case, I call this press conference to a close. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Say Anything

Lloyd Dobler…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Male Neighbor…..Jason Sudeikis
Female Neighbor…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on TBS logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the TBS Sunday Night Movie: “Say Anything”.

[ dissolve to film clip: Ione Skye’s Diane Court lying on bed ]

[ cut to exterior of house, John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, holding the boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” below her bedroom window ]

[ suddenly, a neighbor man carrying a bag of garbage steps into the frame, looks Lloyd up and down, then glances up at the window ]

Male Neighbor: Alright.

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame ]

Male Neighbor: Hey, man… why are you pointing that boombox at my neighbor’s house?

Lloyd Dobler: Hey.

Male Neighbor: Wow! You’re dialed in, huh? What the hell are you doing?

Lloyd Dobler: Trying to win back Diane Court —

Male Neighbor: Oh, yeah?

Lloyd Dobler: The girl I love. She dumped me.

Male Neighbor: Nice. Alright. [ he shrugs ] Okay.

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame again ]

Male Neighbor: Did you try giving her flowers or something, first?

Lloyd Dobler: I gave her my heart; she gave me a… pen.

Male Neighbor: [ laughing ] Yeesh! Yikes! Aw, man! Okay, I get it now — you’re trying to scare the HELL out of her! Alright! Yeah, but I don’t know about this whole boombox and trenchcoat thing, but, uh — hey, good luck.

Lloyd Dobler: Thank you.

Male Neighbor: Yeah!

[ he continues on his way, then re-enters the frame yet again ]

Male Neighbor: Alright, so hold on. Now,is that you singing?

Lloyd Dobler: No, it’s Peter Gabriel.

Male Neighbor: Ohhhh! From Genesis, huh?

Lloyd Dobler: You’re thinking of Phil Collins.

Male Neighbor: No, no! I know Phil Collins was in there! But there’s three guys in that band, alright? You got Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, and, uhhh — well, there’s the third guy that prays every day that his mailbox will have some Genesis residuals! Right? [ he laughs heartily ] Ohhh… [ he snaps his fingers ] Mike Rutherford! Mike Rutherford, that’s who it was. So, why this tune?

Lloyd Dobler: It’s the song that was playing the first time we made love.

Male Neighbor: Ohhh, come on, brother! You don’t want to remember the first time! That’s the WORST! The first time’s weird! Unless she was slutty. You know, if she was slutty, you don’t have to worry about that. You don’t have to do all this romantic mumbo-jumbo if she’s slutty — you just gotta be MEAN to her, and she’ll come back to you. [ he shrugs ] I don’t know why that is. So, what are you, like, 19 or something?

Lloyd Dobler: 19.

Male Neighbor: 19? Yeah! Man, you got balls something the size of I-don’t-know-what! [ he laughs ] Hey, I’m gonna go grab my wife! She’d love this!

[ he exits the frame, then returns a moment later with his wife ]

Male Neighbor: Told ya’!

Female Neighbor: What’s he doing?

Male Neighbor: He’s trying to win back Diane Court.

Female Neighbor: So, what, did he write this song for her?

Male Neighbor: Mmm-mmm, no! It’s Peter Gabriel. He just hit “PLAY”!

Female Neighbor: He’s so weird.

Male Neighbor: Aw, come on, Lisa. The guy’s standing right here! [ to Lloyd ] Sorry about that, man. She’s joking around. You want a frozen grape?

Lloyd Dobler: No.

Male Neighbor: Hmm.

[ Lloyd lowers the boombox ]

Lloyd Dobler: Listen, can you hold this a second?

Male Neighbor: Yeah, sure. Your arms getting tired?

Lloyd Dobler: No!

Male Neighbor: Alright. [ he turns to his wife ] Hoo!

[ Lloyd pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket, then begins to speak into it ]

Male Neighbor: Oh, man…

Lloyd Dobler: Maybe I didn’t really know you —

Male Neighbor: [ to his wife ] This kid loves cassettes, huh?

Lloyd Dobler: Maybe you’re just a mirage. Maybe the whole world is full of —

Male Neighbor: You’ve got a lot of electronics, brother! You’re like a walking Radio Shack! [ he laughs ]

Female Neighbor: What’s he gonna do with this?

Male Neighbor: I don’t know. [ to Lloyd ] Are you just riffing this thing right now? I love it!

Female Neighbor: I’m gonna go back inside. This is kind of a bummer.

Male Neighbor: Alright, sweetie, I’ll see you in a sec.

[ she exits the frame ]

[ Lloyd grabs his boombox ]

Male Neighbor: There you go. Yeah, I’m gonna split, too, man. You take it easy, alright?

[ Lloyd raises the boombox above his head again ]

[ the neighbor man jokingly tickles under Lloyd’s arm, until Lloyd gives him a dirty look ]

Male Neighbor: Alright…

[ he exits once more ]

[ suddenly, the sounds of Phil Collins’ “Sussedio” are heard, as the neighbor man rushes back into frame with a boombox of his own ]

Male Neighbor: Nice! Genesis is back together! [ he laughs and raises his boombox over his head ] I’m just having fun, man! Take care, dude! Good luck!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
“Reba McEntire”…..Kenan Thompson

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Oh! It’s been a long time coming.
Two of the world’s greatest.
America’s sweetheart, Ms. Reba McEntire.”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Yeah, yeah.
How ya doin’ Andy?”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“We’re about to take it to the top.
Hit ’em, Reba!”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Haters in my face trying to keep me down
But you know we keep on shinin’.”

Andy Samberg: Here we go!

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“Two crazy big stars from opposite worlds
’bout to set this track on fire.”

Andy Samberg: Yeah!

“She’s the queen of country”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“He’s the comedy prince
Making something out of nothing.”

Andy Samberg: Ha ha!

“We hooked up in the studio to make this song.”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
But as usual, we ended up f–king.

Andy Samberg: No doubt!

“Flash back to when I first met Reba
Sitcom dressing room, puffing on Cheeba.
Said I was a fan, she said, “Prove it.”
Dropped her denim skirt and said, “hop to it!”

Made love all night!

“Reba McEntire: More like we f–kin’!

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Kids banging on the door, trying to interrupt
But them autographs can wait, ‘cuz this is way too strong
I can’t leave it alone, because her pussy’s the bomb!”

“Reba McEntire: [ singing ]
“‘Well my pussy is the bomb and that’s a fact
But these N-words keep on trippin’.”

Andy Samberg: Okay!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“So I stay on my prime and drop these hits
‘Cuz I can’t go back to strippin’.
I’m Reba!”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“You’re my undercover freak!”

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“And you’re my best friend, but our families don’t approve.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
That’s right, ‘cuz I’m a city boy.

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“And I’m a country girlAnd I’ll never leave your sweet balls blue.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
‘That’s because a girl like Reba’s got just what I need
With big broad shoulders and a red-ass weave.”

“Reba McEntire”: And a penis.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Hot damn, she fly.
All she wanna do is bump me
I’m a lucky guy.”

“Reba McEntire”: I’m a guy, too.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“My friends think I should dump her
They say she’s a man who found a wig in a dumpster.”

“Reba McEntire”: Your friends are smart.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Nah, Rebes, they’re just jealous
‘Cuz I’m dating a star instead of hanging with the fellas.”

“Reba McEntire”: Hanging like my nuts.

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“Word up, they’re just liars.
They can’t believe I can pull Reba McEntire.”

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“Ever since I came out of my mama’s butt
I knew I was destined for greatness.
I looked in a dumpster and saw a wig
And thought, “Hey brother, I’m gonna take this.”

Andy Samberg: Tell ’em, Reba!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“So I put it right on and took a stroll
Right over to 30 Rock.”

Andy Samberg: SNL!

“Reba McEntire”: [ singing ]
“I saw Andy Samberg and he thought I was Reba
And I made him suck my dirty c-ck.”

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“So there you have it
Two worlds collide
We’re the new Bonnie and Clyde.”

“Reba McEntire”: Reba!

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
“From haystacks to maybacks, our love will survive
For Reba I’ll ride ’til the day that we die.”

“Reba McEntire”: I’m Reba!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Al Gore

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than one-thousand people waited to meet her. Or, as FOX News reported it: half-a-million people.

To help pay for the health care reform bill, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh sure, I guess it’s easy to tax plastic surgery when you’ve already got movie-star good looks!

In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. “Hey, that’s great!” said Joe Biden. “I didn’t even know I did anything wrong!”

It was reported Monday that, while in Rome for a UN food summit, Libyan leader Moammer Kadaffi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women, and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short: He’s a Catholic now.

Experts are saying that number of light smokers, or people who don’t smoke regularly or only in social situations, is on the rise. You may know these people as Liars.

Seth Meyers: It’s “Green Week” here at NBC, and joining us now to discuss the issues facing the environment, former Vice President of the United States and Nobel Peace Prize Winner — Al Gore!

Al Gore: Thaank you, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Thank you for coming. So, to start, how do you feel President Obama has done so far in regards to the environment?

Al Gore: Well, Seth, there is a lot on the President’s plate right now: Health care, Afghanistan, the economy, and I understand that it’s hard to deal with everything at once. But, at the same time, he was elected with an overwhelming mandate. I mean, he won the popular vote, Seth, and we all know that’s the one that counts.

[ the audience cheers ]

Seth Meyers: He won the other vote, too.

Al Gore: If you say so. I don’t really pay attention to that. I’m a popular vote guy.

Seth Meyers: Alright, I get it. So, the environment?

Al Gore: Seth, we are at a critical moment when it comes to the climate crisis. In my new book, “Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis”, I detail the ways that we can address the problem. But I also want to have a back-up plan, in case this approach does not work. And I think I brainstormed some pretty good ideas on the way over tonight.

Seth Meyers: Okay, and so what is your back-up plan?

Al Gore: I’m going to start acting crazy.

Seth Meyers: Acting crazy?

Al Gore: Seth, I think it’s crazy that our politicians aren’t more worried about the climate crisis. So it’s time for us to out-crazy the crazy.

Seth Meyers: What do you mean?

Al Gore: Well, for example, instead of just writing a letter to a congressman, I’m going to fill up a trash can with ice water and prop it up against his office door so that when he opens it, cold water splashes all over him. Then he’ll find the note I left on his desk that says: “We’re melting. Love, The Glaciers.”

Seth Meyers: Alright, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…

Al Gore: Maybe I should show “before” and “after” pictures of Mt. Kilimanjaro, Seth. Ohhhh, that’s right! I did that, and it didn’t work! So, instead of science, I’m going with crazy. I’m going to start planting trees in politician’s front yards.

Seth Meyers: That actually kind of sounds nice.

Al Gore: In the middle of the night. And tape toy guns to the branches, pointed at the door, so that when they wake up and walk out of their houses in the morning, they’ll think it’s the forests coming to get their revenge.

Seth Meyers: Wow. This is a new Al Gore!

Al Gore: Well look, I need to make this count, Seth. I know the score. Once a year, during “Green Week”, NBC calls up Al Gore to come on TV to talk about the environment. Thanks, by the way. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to have a bully pulpit on a fourth place network.

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, we’re happy to have you.

Al Gore: And I come out every year. I’m like Punxsutawney Phil. But you know what it means when I see my shadow? It means the Earth is dying. Have you been outside today? It’s 60 degrees in late November. I mean, there’s a Christmas tree in front of this building, and guys are wearing flip flops. You can’t say this isn’t real!

Seth Meyers: I never said this isn’t real — I said you may be taking it too far.

Al Gore: Well, maybe you’re right Seth. Now that I say them out loud, my crazy ideas do sound a little too crazy. The real solution is simpler than that: We need to cut back on the burning of coal and oil, and start using renewable energy. We need to stop deforestation, and plant billions of trees. We need to start being more efficient, and stop wasting energy. We need to stop factory farming, and start using sustainable agriculture.

Seth Meyers: And if that doesn’t work?

Al Gore: I’m taping toy guns to trees.

Seth Meyers: Al Gore, everyone!

In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”

The design for George W. Bush’s Presidential Library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas. It features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don’t want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway: Don’t build a library where the lights are on when no one is home!

According to a new report, the peak time in which women on the New York subway system report being sexually harrassed is between 8 and 10 a.m. and 4 and 6 p.m., during what subway perverts call “Brush” Hour.

TLC has announced plans to air a new reality series called “Mall Cops: Mall of America”, which will follow security guards around as they follow Black people around.

It was announced this week that three kosher soup kitchens are opening in Brooklyn and Queens. Said one homeless Jew: [ mimes lifting a soup soon into his mouth, then waves his hand ] “Ehh.”

Zookeepers in Cleveland were surprised to discover this week that Mary, a touroise that had been in the zoo for more than fifty years, was really a male. Though no one was more surprised than Mary’s husband Todd. [ image: photoshopped tortoise with shocked expression ]

[ Seth glances off-camera and nods for one more ]

Snoop Dogg was invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchnge Monday morning, which explains why the opening bell wasn’t rung until 4:30 on Tuesday.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Woman to Woman

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Todd…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Laura O’Shoney…..Jenny Slate
Barbara Way…..Abby Elliott

[ opening show graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Woman to Woman”… with host, Dr. Danilla Reese. Dr. Danilla is a psychologist specializing in women’s issues, no matter how personal. Now, please welcome Dr. Danilla Reese.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Uh — Dr. Danilla is not here today. She’s sick, she’s got a 104 degree fever, she’s puking all over the place! I’m Roger Brush, I produce the show. I told her, “Don’t worry about it, honey, I’m gonna cover the show. You feel better, okay?” Now, right about now, uh, Danilla starts the show by taking questions from the audience. Uh, so who’s our first girl? Did I get that right, Todd?

Todd: [ in a soft-spoken voice ] That’s exactly right. Our first guest has a question about relationships.

[ Woman steps up and takes the microphone ]

Woman: [ nervously ] Hi. I-I feel like ever since I had my first child, my husband isn’t as attracted to me, and… I worry that it might be my stretch marks —

Roger Brush: Honey? I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!

Woman: Um — my-my stretch marks. What is the best way to get rid of them?

Roger Brush: WHAT?!

Woman: My… my stretch marks!

Roger Brush: You know, you’re gonna have to get RIGHT UP on that mike, Sweetie! Todd, what did she say?

Todd: Her stretch marks!

Roger Brush: Yeah, what ABOUT ‘EM?!

Todd: They’re long and dark, and she wants to get rid of them!

Woman: No, no, I never said that —

Todd: Oh, sorry! [ he holds up his clipboard ] That’s just what it says here on —

Roger Brush: Okay, okay! So what’s the problem?!!

Woman: [ screaming ] I have very LOOOONG STRETCH MARKS!!

Roger Brush: Okay, I understand! Okay, I see it all now, honey! Let me tell you what to do. Go to the FLOWER STORE, get a bunch of FLOWERS, and you take ’em to your HUSBAND, and you say… “I’m sorry.” [ he leans back confidently ]

Woman: That d-doesn’t sound right…

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL YA’, Honey! THAT’S my answer, you know?! I’m up here TRYING to help! If YOU’VE got a BETTER IDEA, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!! Todd, who’s next? Let’s help these ladies out!

[ Woman steps down, as Laura O’Shoney steps up ]

Todd: This is, uh, Laura O’Shoney She wants to ask you about a particular problem she’s having with her boyfriend.

Laura O’Shoney: Uh, hi. This is really embarrassing… it’s, uh, kind of, uh, personal —

Roger Brush: Sweetie?! You GOTTA speak up!!

Laura O’Shoney: Oh. Uh, uh, uh — I’m dating a guy and, uh, we conect on every level and I love him, but, uh, I can’t, uh, achieve an orgasm with him, and I’m just wondering what should I… do?

Roger Brush: Agh!! Honey, I can’t hear a WORD you’re sayin’!! You have to E-NUN-CI-ATE!!

Laura O’Shoney: I can’t, um — I can’t achieve an orgasm with my boyfriend…

Roger Brush: You can’t WHAT?!!

Laura O’Shoney: I can’t achieve an orgasm!

Roger Brush: Who can’t achieve WHAT?!!

Laura O’Shoney: [ now frightened ] I can’t… I can’t achieve an orgasm…

Roger Brush: WHAT?!! Turn your — turn your mouth toward me!

Laura O’Shoney: You know, that’s okay… I-I’ll figure it out, if that’s… you know…

Roger Brush: No, no, sweetie!! What’s your problem?!

Todd: She can’t achieve an orgasm with her boyfriend.

[ Laura O’Shoney is extremely embarrassed now ]

Roger Brush: Todd! Why aren’t you talking for her?!

Todd: Well, she needs good sound advice. Mr. Brush, I think we should ocntinue this another time, when Dr. Danilla gets better.

Roger Brush: Todd, SHUT UP!! Let me help her out! Okay. Young lady, here’s my advice, okay? You go home… then you put on som lipstick… and you put on some eyeshadow… and you get your hair done… and you come home to your boyfriend and you say, “I’m sorry, baby.”

Laura O’Shoney: Um… sorry for wha-at?

Roger Brush: Honey… I don’t know what else to tell ya’! [ he leans back confidently ] I gave you a WHOLE list of things to do… y-you’re gonna have to make SOME kind of effort!!

Todd: You know, Danilla probably would have told her that she needs to express her needs in bed, to HELP her partner, DISCOVER her own needs, and ACHIEVE the orgasms she has been dreaming of!

Roger Brush: First of all, Todd: I can’t hear a WORD you’re sayin’! Second of all: I know what I’m doing, okay, buddy?! Who’s the next girl?!

[ Laura O’Shoney steps down ]

Todd: Her name is, uh… [ he looks at his clipboard ] Barbara Way.

[ Barbara Way steps up ]

Barbara Way: No. I’ve changed my mind. I’dd rather not.

[ she steps down ]

Roger Brush: That’s fine. Okay. I think, right about now, is when Danilla does her Words of Inspiration. ADVICE! Okay, what would Danilla say right here, uh: If you got something wrong with you, like, you know, like STRETCH MARKS, or you can’t figure out how to do an ORGASM, or, you know, maybe you don’t have a lot going on up here! [ he indicates his chest ] The BEST thing to do is: Just ‘fess is, admit it, and say you’re sorry!

Todd: No! No! I think Danilla would have said: “Stay strong, and stay true to yourself, and don’t be afraid to accept the woman that is you… and you will be that acceptable woman.”

Roger Brush: Todd! Nobody can hear you at all! When we come back, Dr. Laura Baum from Sloan-Kendring is gonna show us how to do a self-breast exam! [ he grimaces ] Uhh — See you next time on “Woman to Woman”!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 5th, 2009

Blake Lively

Rihanna

None

None

None

White House CrashersSummary: While President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) delivers a speech in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Tareq (Bobby Moynihan) and Michaele Salahi (Kristen Wiig) pose for pictures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Blake Lively’s MonologueSummary: Blake Lively sings Christmas carols with Muppets Animal (Bill Hader), Gonzo (Bobby Moynihan), Beaker (Kristen Wiig), Fozzie Bear (Jason Sudeikis), Swedish Chef (Andy Samber), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Janice (Jenny Slate).

Recurring Characters: Swedish Chef, Animal, Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Zoot.

Transcript

Carter N’ Sons BBQSummary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.

Note: Repeat from 09e.

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the veginal cream sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on bowling match between Donna Saint Louis (Kristen Wiig) and Michelle Rayburn-Gene (Blake Lively).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

Transcript

The Situation RoomSummary: Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson) apologizes for his transgressions, while his wife (Blake Lively) repeatedly beats him up off-camera.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Tiger Woods.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Rihanna performs a duet with “Shy Ronnie” (Andy Samberg).

Transcript

Gossip Girl: Staten IslandSummary: It’s a whole other world for Chandelier Martini (Blake Lively) and the gang on the other side of the ferry.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.

Note: This sketch finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of a couple of earlier episodes from this season.

Transcript

Rihanna performs “Russian Roulette”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) mumbledly-jumbledly explains his new hip-hop album. Brittany Murphy (Abby Elliott) wanders behind the desk with the mistaken belief that she’s hosting tonight’s show.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Note: The Brittany Murphy commentary is cut from repeats following her unexpected death two weeks after this episode aired.

Skirt ShoppingSummary: Virginiaca Hastings (Kenan Thompson) takes her stepdaughter (Blake Lively) skirt shopping.

Recurring Characters: Virginiaca Hastings.

Transcript

UPS ISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.

Transcript

Late Night with Chris HansenSummary: Having captured his share of online predators, Chris Hansen (Bill Hader) now surprises unsuspecting celebrity guests on the set of his own late night talk show.

Recurring Characters: Cher, Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Transcript

UPS IISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) plans on making more commercials for UPS, and having sex with stick figure ladies.

Transcript

Rihanna with Young Jeezy performs “Hard”

Potato Chip ThiefSummary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt’s (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Taylor Swift earlier in the season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

UPS IIISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) again declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.

News Team PromoSummary: News anchor (Fred Armisen) frustrates a director (Bill Hader) by not cooperating during a promo shoot.

International MasterworksSummary: Norwegian actors perform an American restaurant scene without losing their thick accents.

Paparazzi BrothersSummary: Tasked with taking photos at their family’s Christmas party, two brothers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) tackle the assignment like they were members of the paparazzi.

SNL Transcripts

`

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Donna Saint Louis…..Kristen Wiig
Michelle Rayburn-Gene…..Blake Lively

[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic. Come on, man… go talk to your wife and kids!

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you’re looking for hard rolling, lady bowling action — you’re in the right place! It’s the Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament! And today’s match-up is one for the ages! Featuring Donna Saint Louis! And rookie sensation “The Jackhammer”: Michelle Rayburn-Gene!

[ dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Good evening! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, boy oh boy, can this guy make one HELL of a pulled pork sandwich — Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: [ nasally ] Ah, thanks, Pete! It’s our fifth anniversary in the booth, and I got a present for ya’ — it’s a bracelet! — I’ll give it to ya’ later, it’s in my duffle!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, that’s real sweet of ya’! Why don’t we meet tonight’s players?

[ reveal Donna Saint Louis squeezing her fingers together ]

Pete Twinkle: Up first, we’ve got Donna Saint Louis! Now, Greg, correct me if I’m wrong, but, uh, hasn’t Donna been undefeated since mid-April?

Greg Stink: [ smiling like a jackass ] Haw haw, I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, well, she has.

Greg Stink: Oh, good!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] But “The Jackhammer”, Michelle Rayburn-Gene, has taken the lead by storm!

[ reveal Michelle Rayburn-Gene spraying her hair and squatting ]

Pete Twinkle: Look at this! Movie star looks with an arm that cooks! And there’s a clever use of the hair dryer right there. Now, Greg, she got the nickname “The Jackhammer” because she throws the ball so gosh-darn hard! Have you ever seen someone so young throw so hard?

Greg Stink: Oh, I suuuure have!

Pete Twinkle: Well, do you remember any names, or specifics as to where?

Greg Stink: Come to think about it, I’m not sure! I’m gonna retract that statement! I’m NOT sure if I’ve seen someone throw that hard!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, alright! Well, don’t beat yourself up about it!

Greg Stink: Well, if I remember it, Il’l let ya’ know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, you just keep us posted, buddy! [ he laughs ] A little SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor! Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs — Vagisil! Now, Greg, let me ask you something: How does a lady bowler get to this point?

Greg Stink: Well, if they don’t bathe enough… if they wear the same bowling pants over and over again, genetics —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, Greg, I’m sorry, that’s my fault! That’s my fault. I, uh — I wasn’t about why someone would need to use a great product like Vagisil! I meant, how does someone become a professional bowler?

Greg Stink: Aw, NO IDEA!! [ he laughs ] Probably a long process…

Pete Twinkle: Hmm, yeah, I bet that’s true! [ he laughs ] Alright! Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil! Okay, it looks like Donna Saint Louis is up first!

[ cut to Donna throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Here she rolls — oh, look at that form! Great form! There’s the ball… [ she rolls a strike ] OH! And it’s a STRIKE!! Look at that! How about that, Greg! What a start, huh!

Greg Stink: Pete, she’s gotta be careful here —

Pete Twinkle: Oh, Greg, now why is that?

Greg Stink: Well, two more strikes and she is OUT of there!

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no… Now, hold on, Greg. I — you know, I think you’re thinking about baseball.

[ he laughs loudly ] Yeah, you’re probably right! I DO NOT know this game! It is an ABSOLUTE mystery to me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, one thing that’s not a mystery is the quality of Vagisil! VAGISIL!! I scream, you scream… we ALL scream for vagina cream! [ extended beat ] VAG-I-SIL!! Let’s get back to the game! “The Jackhammer” is up!

[ cut to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Alright, here she comes… tiny steps. Look at that big throw. There it is! Anything can happen…

[ gutter ball ]

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhh, no! Oh, not the outcome she was looking for…

[ furious, Michelle grabs a bowling ball and throws it across the air ]

Pete Twinkle: And this is where the TEMPER comes out!!

[ the bowling bowl bounces across the guys’ booth ]

Pete Twinkle: OKAY!! HOLEY MOLEY!! [ laughing ] Ho-ho-ho! EVERYBODY’S getting involved tonight!

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] What was that!

Pete Twinkle: Wha–? That was a — that was a BALL, Greg!

Greg Stink: Oh, I thought it was a bird!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] What! What are you watching, buddy?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Now, Greg, how does she get out of this mess?

Greg Stink: Well, I think the instructions are on the back of the tube —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, no, no! No, Greg! Greg, I’m sorry about that! I was talking about the, uh, SPARE! You know — how should a rookie deal with this on her second roll?

Greg Stink: OH! She gets a second roll!

Pete Twinkle: Ho, man! Greg Stink — best color man in the biz! Alright, let’s go back down on the floor and see if she can’t pick up that spare!

[ return to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: “The Jackhammer” has a very unique toss in this type of situation. There it is, the windmill! And giving baby to what looks like a… A SPARE!! She got it!! Celebrating with her signature Jackhammer Shuffle! Look at that! Ho-ho-ho, man! The crowd loves it! Absolutely wonderful! You ever seen that before?

Greg Stink: Now, how much longer is this gonna take?

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Why, Greg? You gotta be somewhere?

Greg Stink: Yeah! Saturday morning, like every cartoon in the book is on!

Pete Twinkle: Ha! Greg, I’ve always wanted to ask you something: What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I’ll never tell! My lips are sealed!

Pete Twinkle: Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips — VAGISIL!! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Blake Lively

Blake Lively: Thanks to Rihanna! Young Jeezy! The wonderful cast! Lorne Michaels! Steve and ??, for getting out of work this week to be here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts